Long Distance Jokes
101 long distance jokes and hilarious long distance puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about long distance that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Long Distance Short Jokes
Short long distance jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The long distance humour may include short long drive jokes also.
- If Elon Musk's space company establishes a mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your.... Space x.
- I just can't take this long distance relationship anymore... I'm moving the fridge to my room.
- I feel like my girlfriend and I don't speak the same language sometimes I say we have a long distance relationship.
She says I have a restraining order. - My girlfriend and I just transitioned to a long distance relationship Or as the judge insists on calling it, a restraining order
- Why do stormtroopers never have long distance relationships? Because they'd miss each other.
- I was on a date other day when the girl said she wanted to start a long distance relationship using semaphore. Raised a couple of red flags...
- My long distance girlfriend wanted to see the guacamole I made So I sent her a solicited dip pic
- What does your long-distance girlfriend who you met on vacation have in common with the square root of -1? They both are imaginary.
- My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. I live in Seoul, Korea.
And she lives in the future. - I got fired for naming my invention the Direct Interface for Long-Distance Observation. The boss accused my team of pulling it out of an unauthorised Acronym Synthesis Service.
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Long Distance One Liners
Which long distance one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with long distance? I can suggest the ones about distance relationship and long length.
- Almost all of my relationships are long distance relationships. I'm a midget.
- How do you break up with a farmer long-distance? A John Deere letter.
- Why were B and D long distance lovers? Because there was a C between them.
- What are the advanteges of a long distance relationship? All four people are happy.
- What was the crow doing up on the telephone pole? He was making a long-distance caw.
- How do pirates agree with each other over long distances? With their aye-phones.
- How do spirits travel long distances? The ethereal plane.
- How do wheelchair users communicate at long distances? Not with walkie talkies
- What do you call someone who comes second in a long-distance boat race? An immigrant
- "How is your long distance relationship going?" "So far, so good."
- I'm in a long distance relationship, her restraining order ends tomorrow.
- What kind of underwear do long distance runners wear? Marathongs
- How do amoebas make long distance calls? They use a cell phone.
- Q: What's the best way to talk to a velociraptor?
A: Long distance! - Every relationship is a long-distance relationship if you're a snail.
Long Distance Relationship Jokes
Here is a list of funny long distance relationship jokes and even better long distance relationship puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Has anyone tried long distance relationships? I have and I hated it, i couldn't take it anymore, So... I moved..... My fridge to my room.
- I had a 1 year long-distance relationship with a woman I'd never met, but when I finally met her supposedly length mattered
- I can't stand this long distance relationship anymore... Especially since the stay away order.
- My friend tried dating a woman who was 7'11'' but had to break up with her. He should have seen it coming, long distance relationships never work out.
- My girlfriend is 6'2 and I'm 5'9.. She has to bend down to kiss me.
I guess I'm in a long distance relationship. - What do you call a marriage between a midget and a 6 foot human? A long distance relationship.
- It's so hard holding a long distance relationship Especially since my girlfriend lives in the future.
- My girlfriend and I are trying LONG distance relationship I live in California she lives in future.
- Why don't the mile and the kilometer ever get along? Because long distance relationships never work.
- I'm in a long distance relationship with White Castle. Please come to Los Angeles. I miss you..
Rib-Tickling Long Distance Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about long distance you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean distant jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make long distance pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Moody was awakened by the telephone at four A.M.
It was his Ku Klux k**... buddy, Crumm, calling long distance from Montgomery.
"What's the matter?" asked Moody.
"Are you in trouble?"
"No!" said Crumm.
"What do you want, then?"
"Nothing!"
"Then how come you are calling me in the middle of the night?" asked Moody.
"Cause!" said the other r**..., "the rates are cheaper!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Bats' Competition
Three Bats were talking about who was the best at s**... blood. The first bat though he was the best, while the other two though they were the best, so they decided to have a competition to see who really was the best.
The bats had 30 minutes each to see who could get the most blood.
The first bat goes, and 30 minutes later he returns with blood dripping from his teeth. The others ask what happened, and he says, "See that stone house across the hill," The other two nod, "Well, I went inside and there was a very heafty women asleep in her chambers, ripe for the picking."
Impressed, the second bat goes off, and 30 minutes later, he returns with blood splatered across his face. The other ask what happened, and he says, "See that moated mansion over there," They nod, "Well there was a banquet inside, and by the time they realized what was happening to the guests, I was long gone."
Not wanting to lose the competition, the third bat goes off, and 30 minutes later he returns, his body dripping, wing to wing, with blood. The others, shocked, asked him what happened, and he says, "See that spiked wall castle across the hill," the others had to look quite far into the distance, but eventually nodded and said they saw it. "Well," the bat replies, "I didn't."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Oasis
3 men are lost in the desert and dieing of dehydration. In the distance they see a small house with trees and gardens. As they near a morbidly obese woman approaches. They beg her for help. She looks at them and says,
"I will give you each something to eat or drink but first you must have s**... with me." The men look at her and are all disgusted by the rolls of fat, hair all over her body and skin lesions. They then look at each other and know what they have to do. One of them says,
"I'll go first." As he follows her into the hut he sees an ear of corn on the table. He grabs it and uses it to p**... her. After a few minutes he walks out with a glass of icy water and a large smile on his face. The other men look at each other and shrug their shoulders and the second volunteers. He follows the woman into the hut and sees a rolling pin. He uses that to p**... her. A few minutes later he walks out with a smile on his face and a large glass of milk.
Confused the third man walks into the hut and to his delight sees a cucumber to p**... her with.
Over an hour passes and the 2 men outside the hut are confused about what is taking so long. Finally the other man walks outside with nothing in his hands but a huge smile on his face. The first man asks,
"What are you smiling about?" which he replies,
"She made me a p**... of cream of corn soup."
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
An Olympic swimmer...
...is on a cruise ship, when it hits a reef and sinks. Bobbing in the waves, he spies an island in the distance, makes for it, and barely gets ashore. All he finds on the isle are fruit trees, a female sheep and a big dog. The fruit trees provide sustenance, but he starts to feel lonely. The sheep has luxurious fur, beautiful eyes and long lashes that she shyly bats at him. When he approaches her, the dog viciously attacks and repels him. This goes on for months, until he can hardly bear it.
One day he sees another ship sinking at sea. Swimming out, he sees a woman thrashing in the waves. He saves her as she's about to perish, and hauls her ashore. As luck would have it, she's absolutely gorgeous.
"I'm so grateful to you for saving my life...I'll do anything you ask, as a way to repay you."
The swimmer can't believe his luck. "Anything?"
The young woman smiles coyly. "Anything your heart desires."
"Can you take that big dog over there for a walk?"
What's the difference between the Olympic long distance race and the Paralympic long distance race?
A lap
For China!
An American, a British, a Chinese and a Japanese were sitting on a long distance flight travelling to India. Halfway there, the flight developed serious engine problems.
"Gentlemen, i am afraid three of you will need to leap off this plane." The pilot said sombrely.
After much deliberation, a man stood up from his seat.
"For freedom!" shouted the American as he threw himself out of the plane.
"For the Queen!" the British gentleman followed and flew towards the ground.
"FOR CHINA!" screamed the Chinese man as he kicked the Japanese out of the flight.
Did you hear about the man who proposed to his long-distance girlfriend?
It was a ranged marriage.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On long plane trip, a woman is sitting next to a lawyer. She wants to sleep, but the lawyer does not stop talking...
*"Let's play a game"* - he suggests.
The woman ignores him.
*"To make it interesting"* - he continues - *"if I answer incorrectly to your question, I'll pay you $50. If you answer incorrectly to my question, you pay me $5."*
The woman agrees, and the lawyer asks the first question.
*"What is the distance between Earth and the Moon?"*
The woman hands him $5. Now it's her turn.
*"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"*
The lawyer is astonished. He frantically surfs the Internet, searches his pocket encyclopedia and asks his scientist friends. He finds nothing. Hours later, when finally giving up looking for the answer, he wakes the woman, hands her $50 and asks:
*"So, what is the answer?"*
Without saying a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.
**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My long distance gf asked me to send her a s**... pic
I sent her a pic of my hand. She said, "that is not s**...!" I said "yes it is, it gets me off every night!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Safety in Snowplows
A blond gets into her car while an incredibly powerful winter storm surrounds her. She starts the car and puts it in drive when suddenly her anxiety sets in. The horrible weather begins to worry her; she fears that she won't ever get home in it.
It's at this time (and through a s**... of luck) she notices a snowplow in the distance up ahead. After a huge sigh of relief she keeps pace with the plow feeling it's safety as it clears the snow in front of her.
Multiple hours pass by when eventually the plow truck pulls over. The driver gets out and approaches her car window. When she rolls it down, he asks: "Why have you been following me for so long? Are you okay?" She replies: "My dad had always told me to follow a snowplow in a blizzard when the roads feel unsafe."
The snowplow driver shrugs his shoulders and replies: "Okay... well I'm finished with this parking lot, I'm heading over to do the one across the street next."
What do you call it when you kill someone with your bad breath from a long distance away?
No scope
Talk is cheap
unless it's a long distance call
My long-distance girlfriend explaining why she cheated
"Absence makes the heart go wander"
A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...
It read as follows:
---
*Michael*,
*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*
*Love, Elizabeth*
*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*
---
The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:
---
*Elizabeth,*
*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*
*Take care, Michael*
What is a long distance love?
It's when you're in the office, bed is at home and whiskey is in the bar.
My long distance plan costs me nothing
The plan is I don't call anyone
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the s**... say when asked if he ever had to shoot someone he knew?
"Yea it was a long distance relationship."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between an American and a Briton?
Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.
Pheidippides just doesn't have the same ring to it.
When Pheidippides, the soldier who ran 26.2 miles to the city of Marathon to announce the defeat of the Persians to the Athenians, found out the long-distance races were going to be called Marathons, he was a little upset...
But he ran with it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is in bed with a man she shouldn't be with
Her husband is away on a business trip. Suddenly she hears the sound of the front door opening, her husband is back earlier than she expected.
"Quick! Hide in the bathroom!", she says to the man in her bed, he scampers off quickly.
The husband walks into the bedroom and sees his wife n**.... Thinking on her feet she says "You must have had a long journey, come to bed and make love to me."
"That sounds great, I'll just have a quick shower, let me pop to the bathroom."
He opens the door and is confronted with a man, barefoot to the neck, looking into the distance, clapping with his arms outstretched.
The husband asks "Who are you?"
"From the council", the man replied, "your wife phoned us up and said you had a moth problem"
"But you're not wearing any clothes?!"
The man suddenly looked down at his n**... body and looking shocked he exclaimed: "The b**...!"
How can you tell the black British Olympic long distance runner from the Kenyans?
The British one is Mo' Farah.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was never into long-distance m**......
But now look how far I've come!
What is the same betweem long distance track and school
Your going nowhere and your doing it slowly
(long) All the knights in the Kingdom we're leaving for the Crusade.
One knight told his trusty servant,
"My bride is the most beautiful woman in the country. If I die, I do not want such beauty to be wasted. So I'm leaving you the key to her chastity belt to be used if I do not return from my journey."
The knights had only gone a short distance when they heard a horse charging up behind them.
Thinking it might be an important message, the men halted.
The horseman who approached was the Knight's servant.
"hey" he said.
"You gave me the wrong key!"
Two Russians, Vlad and Ivan, decided to have a race.
Both long distance runners, they decided the end would be a large rock a few miles past the Russia-Finland border.
Vlad was ahead for most of the race, but he faltered soon after the border and was passed by Ivan, who won.
"I told you I would win!" said Ivan.
"You may have won," replied Vlad, "but I beat you to the Finnish line."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why shouldn't you marry a s**... from your own country?
They are only good for long-distance engagements.
Why do you miss someone so much more when it's long distance?
Range penalties.
A novice is working in the scriptorium and he gets to wondering . . .
. . . if he is copying copies of copies of copies of copies, might errors have crept in somewhere. So he asks the abbot, who concedes the point, and descends to the manuscript repository to find the earliest copy of the MS in question.
The novice waits patiently, but the abbot is gone an awfully long time. Finally he ventures in to see what is amiss. There, in the distance, is the abbot. He is moaning to himself, beating his head against a pillar and repeating to himself,
"I cant believe it....the word was celebrate, the word was celebrate...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... Joke (Long)
A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a h**... and I charge $20 for s**....
The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.
After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.
Why aren't we going anywhere? asked the girl.
Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.
The perfect shot.
A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 nuns were sitting on a bench in the local park
The nuns usually came out here to get away from their convent and get a chance to talk about the attractive men that walked by. This day, however, there was a man who kept watching them from an uncomfortable distance. One of them points him out as he begins to walk towards them. The man is tall, sporting a large trench coat, with long black greasy hair. He walks up right in front of them and undoes his trench coat to reveal a massive e**.... Immediately the first nun looks and has a s**... as well as the second. The third nun tries, but her arms are too short.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tall people and Short people should never date.
Long distance relationships never work out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a black man, and a long distance relationship have in common?
They both don't work
My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
A medieval worker in England was fixing the fence on the top of the castle
He decided to take a break because he was hungry.
Two knights practicing combat nearby. One of them accidentally made a mistake and got shoved into the unfixed fence.
When the fence broke, he forcefully fell down the long distance. When he got down, in his dying breath, he screamed "THIS ISN'T EVEN REPOSTED!"
My long-distance Chinese girlfriend ghosted me.
The last thing I said to her was that I was going to watch Winnie The Pooh with my 4 year old niece...
A king fighting along side his army...
'How many of them are there?' asked the king from his captains
'About twenty thousand of them, my lord' said the captain.
'Fine, hand my my red cape then'.
The captain confused asked 'Why the red cape my lord?'
'So If I get wounded in battle the men will not see me bleed and thus they wont lose hope'.
'Good idea, sire'
The battle was long but in the end the king came out victorious.
Suddenly enemy reiforcements are seen in the distance.
The king asked again, how many enemy soldiers were advancing to their position.
'Over tenthousand strong, my lord' said the captain.
'Ah.. Well hand me then my brown pants' said the king
My long distance girlfriend called me saying she finally wants to meet me in person. I left her this message right before my phone died: This is very important: I am not a man that normally makes huge commitments, but I think the time is right for us to see each other.
Unfortunately, my phone died right after man.
The long distance relationship
A guy walks into his usual local bar and orders a beer. "All alone tonight? Where's your girlfriend?" the bartender asks. "My girlfriend and I are trying this whole 'long-distance relationship thing'," he tells the bartender. "Well, that can be hard," the bartender says. "You're telling me. I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times," the guy says. "And the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend, too."
A joke my girlfriend told me
Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance
"See that over there? What is that?" Says the first crow
The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it"
"How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?" Replies the first crow
"Look at it's hand. No cellphone" says the second crow
