Lonely Jokes
125 lonely jokes and hilarious lonely puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lonely that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Lonely Jokes is a collection of jokes about being lonely, feeling isolated, and being single.
Funniest Lonely Short Jokes
Short lonely jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lonely humour may include short loneliness jokes also.
- When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
- If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.
- TIL Texas is called the lone star state because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system
- I was feeling very lonely the other day so I bought some stocks. It's nice to have a bit of company.
- I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day.. Or you can just take the whole thing.
- Why was e^x so lonely at the party? Because every time he tried to integrate, he ended up with himself.
- I saw a lonely little boy sitting all by himself on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push… He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.
- How do you know archeologists are lonely? Theyre always coming up with new dating techniques.
- What does Happy Meal and a lonely girl have in common? They both come with a toy in the box.
- A fool proof way to never feel lonely. If you're ever feeling lonely, watch a horror movie. You won't feel alone anymore.
Share These Lonely Jokes With Friends
Lonely One Liners
Which lonely one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lonely? I can suggest the ones about solitary and being alone.
- I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares. It's nice to have some company.
- Why is Texas called the Lone Star state? Because of all the one-star reviews
- Texas is the Lone Star state. Of course, that's out of a possible 5 stars.
- I was feeling a bit lonely so I bought some stock Now I have a bit of company.
- If you ever feel lonely, buy stocks. You will have company
- I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car Now everyone waves at me
- No one is as lonely as a Jewish Jedi. They have no force kin.
- There are 27 bones in the human hand... and 28 when I'm lonely.
- If you ever feel lonely, watch a scary movie Then you won't feel so lonely anymore.
- Why is Texas called the Lone Star State? Because that's the highest rating it could get
- I was feeling lonely, so I bought some stock shares. It's nice to have a bit of company.
- Why is Texas called The Lone Star State? To warn you about their Yelp rating….
- Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk
- Why is the retired palaeontologist so lonely? He's always dating himself
- How do ginger people make friends? I'm being serious, it's getting kinda lonely here.
Lonely Hearts Jokes
Here is a list of funny lonely hearts jokes and even better lonely hearts puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend sent her photo to the lonely hearts club They sent it back saying they weren't *that* lonely
Laughter Lonely Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about lonely you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean living alone jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lonely pranks.
I didn't realise how lonely I was...
I didn't realise how lonely I was, until I decided my favourite s**... position was right-handed.
My mother told me this one...
One day a lonely woman decided to call the dating service. They asked her what she wanted in a man. She replied "I want a man who won't hit me, I want a man who won't leave me, and I want a great lover!" They said ok he will be there in one hour. So the woman gets ready for her date, and an hour later she hears the doorbell ring. She goes to the door but no one is there. When all of a sudden she hears "down here!". She looks down and sees a man with no arms and no legs lying on the doormat. She asks "can i help you?" He says "I am from the dating service." But she does not believe him. He sees this and says "just tell me what you want in a man. She says "I want a man who won't hit me". "Lady I ain't got any arms". "I want a man who wont leave me". "Lady I ain't got no legs". "And I want a great lover" she says. To which he replies "lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell?"
I wish....
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
So Adam was lonely.
God asked Adam, "What's wrong?"
Adam replied, "I'm lonely."
So God said, "Adam, I will make you a partner. She will wash and cook and clean for you; she will listen to what you have to say and never interrupt you. She won't nag you about your actions and she will even bear your children. She will stay loyal to you and never be influenced by other men."
So Adam asked, "Well, what's his gonna cost me?"
"An arm and a leg," God replied.
Then Adam asked, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
Three men on a deserted island find a genie.
The genie will grant the men three wishes, so they decide to take a wish each. The first man wishes to be home with his family and his wish is granted. The second man wishes to be in Vegas with many beautiful women and his wish is granted. The third man says "I'm getting kind of lonely, I wish those guys were here with me again."
A business man goes to Japan for a business meeting...
This man gets there late at night. He was feeling a little lonely, so he got a Japanese h**.... He has his way with the h**... and feels like he did a pretty good job, considering she was screaming out one word the entire time in Japanese. The next day, this man went golfing with the Japanese business men he was going to meet with. During their golf outing, he gets a hole in one! The Japanese men start screaming and celebrating in Japanese words. The man got very excited too and yelled out the only Japanese word he could think of, and that was the one he learned from his h**.... He yelled out this word, and all the Japanese business men look at him strangely. One of them comes up to the business man and asks "what you mean wrong hole?"
Not what he was expecting....
A hot divorcee moved in next door to an elderly man who has been lonely for most of his life. A couple of weeks later, she stops at his house for a moment. "I'm ready", she says to him, and his package starts to rise-----he can't help himself! "I wanna blow off some steam, get drunk, and get laid! Can I ask you something before I do that?" The man replies, "Sure!" and is so hard, he can't think clearly. "Can you watch my kids?" the divorcee asks.
Library joke
Why are librarians so lonely?
They're always by them shelves
Just wanted to see if that library joke checked out
Sorry for all the library jokes, I'll put them on hold
Why couldn't the dwarves renew their lease on the Lonely Mountain?
It failed the Smaug test.
What do a lonely astronaut and your thumbs have in common?
They both hang out at the Space Bar.
What does a lonely Sean Connery building IKEA products say?
I guess its jusht me, myshelf, and I tonight.
Adam and Eve
When God made Adam he noticed that Adam was sad and asked what was wrong.
Adam - I'm lonely.
God - That's no good! How about I make you a companion? One that is gorgeous, give you mind blowing s**..., will cook and clean, and doesn't mind it when you spend time with the guys or watch football?
Adam - That sounds awesome! What will it cost me?
God - An arm and a leg!
Adam - What can I get for a rib?
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first koala.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
I didn't want it to get lonely so I shot it.
Husband Wanted
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is s**...
The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is s**...
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is s**...!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are s**...?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.
A cop sets up a speed trap on a lonely highway.
A cop sets up a speed trap on a lonely highway. After hours of waiting, he finally sees a car speeding down the highway towards him. He clocks the car at nearly double the speed limit, quickly pulls him over and walks up to the driver.
Cop: "I've been waiting for someone like you to come around all day, boy."
Driver: "Well I'm sorry officer, I got here as fast as I could!"
And on Good Friday, I'm once again reminded that I'm a lonely v**....
Even Jesus got nailed today.
Monkey Business
A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the r**... janitor of the zoo if he'll have s**... with the gorilla for $500.
The r**... says that he'll do it under 2 conditions.
Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they?
I don't want anyone to ever find out.
Ok, done! What's your second condition?
The r**... says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."
I work in a call center and a customer told me this one.
A lonely man puts in ad out in the paper looking for a wife.
the next day he gets 100 responses all from men saying "you can have mine"
So God creates Adam...
...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.
God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."
God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."
Adam hesitates..
"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.
God responds "An arm and a leg."
Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"
Three men are stuck on an island
when they stumble upon a magic lamp. A genie comes out, and he says that he will give them each one wish. The first man says "I wish to go home." The second man says "I wish to go home as well." The third man says "I wish those other guys were back here, I'm lonely!"
If you're feeling lonely, dim the lights and watch a good horror movie.
By the end of it, you won't feel like you're alone anymore.
Whos the funniest disney princess?
raPUNzel
*sits there laughing to self*
...so lonely..
My friend told me I was smart enough to be the next Isaac Newton...
Well Newton died a lonely v**... so clearly I'm doing something right
A woman is suicidally depressed
She's quite obese, unattractive, and lonely. Life having dealt her a bad hand, she buys a p**... and resolves to end her own life.
Wanting it to be quick, she calls her doctor to ask him where the heart is.
"It's right under the left breast", he replies.
So she hangs up, takes a deep breath, and shoots herself in the knee.
Adam's discussion with God
So Adam is walking around the Garden of Eden and he calls out to God that he's kinda bored and lonely. He asks God if he can create someone who is kind and admires and serves him(Adam) in every way. God responds He can, but it's going to cost an arm and a leg, so Adam asks what he can get for a rib.
I hate when women say they're lonely when I'm here...
It's like saying you're hungry when there's a pile of cold spaghetti on the floor outside.
Adam was getting lonely so he asked God, How much for a woman? God replied, Two arms and a leg.
Adam then asked him, What can I get for a rib?
What do really ugly people and really good-looking people have in common?
No one of the opposite s**... has the guts to talk to them...
I'm so lonely
I was feeling lonely, so I bought some stocks...
It's nice with a little bit of company.
Found this on a "toilet paper" at my college.
A lonely man sits at the bar...
He watches a goofy looking little man sitting and talking to a gorgeous lady, eventually walking out arm in arm.
He asks the bartender "How does he do that?"
Bartender replies "I dunno. He's here every night, and takes home the prettiest lady in the bar every time. And all he does is sit back there in that booth and lick his eyebrows."
Adam was lonely
He said "God, all the creatures have their mates but I am alone".
God thought for a minute and said "I will make you a perfect companion. She will be lovely, kind, attentive and will fulfill your every desire. I'll need from you two fingers, a kidney and one of your t**...".
Adam thought for a minute and said "What can I get for a rib?"
A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...
Police: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round...
Police: TURN AROUND!!
Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!
Why did the lonely clock call the lonely ruler?
Cause desperate times call for desperate measures.
Three guys in a desert
Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a s**... of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.
The genie grants each of them one wish.
The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.
The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.
The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me… Wish granted.
Everyone should go out right now and give ten random people a hug.
I did this earlier and it's lonely in this holding cell. I want someone nice to talk to.
How many lonely guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. But he wishes it took two. :(
Wanted: One Night Stand
I'm moving soon and my room is really empty and lonely. I have a bed in my room and I am looking for one night stand. I prefer black, but a darker brown will do. I would also like it to be unique, not some plain night stand you would pick up from Walmart.
3 Guys on an island
3 guys are stranded on an island and one day they find a bottle.
When they pick it up a genie appears and says he will grant them each one wish.
The first guys says "I wish I was home" p**..... He goes home.
The second guy says "I wish I was home" p**..... He goes home.
The third guy says "I'm lonely, I wish the other 2 guys were back here"
I knew a bisexual girl who was very lonely
I guess she was all bi herself.
Now that he's divorced, what does Amazon's CEO do when he's feeling lonely?
Jeff pays h**....
As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...
I wouldn't discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.
Sometimes when I feel really lonely, I put a blade to my neck.
The ladies like a clean shaven guy.
How lonely are you?
I'm so lonely I go to the batting cages to play catch.
Bought a pet rock. It looked lonely so I bought another. I dunno how, but they started breeding. Months later there was gravel and stones everywhere. I couldn't take it anymore and had enough.
Threw it all in a canvas sack, weighed it down with a couple of puppies, and tossed it in the river.
If i could have dinner with anyone alive or dead...
I would. Im very lonely
Garfield the cat, feeling lonely during the COVID-19 pandemic, wakes up, has a cup of coffee and thinks to himself...
"I just want to get back to Nermal."
I saw a lonely young man sitting at the bar
He was softly singing to himself *21 today, 21 today*.
Feeling sorry for the lad I bought him a beer.
With a smile and a nod of the head he sings *22 today, 22 today*!
This Corona app is like Tinder in reverse...
...first you meet, then you find out you have a match and suddenly you feel rather lonely.
There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.
They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.
The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."
The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.
The old country man then goes, "Tim and I off hunting went, found some girls in a pop up tent, they were three and we were two and I buck one and Tim buck two."
I gave a lonely guy a baby bear as a pet.
He said, "Thanks for making my life a little bearable."
Three friends are stranded in a desert.
By a s**... of luck, they stumble upon a magic genie lamp.
The genie grants each of them one wish.
The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.
The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.
The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me..."
Over the past year, I've been blocking every account that's reposted a joke.
It's so lonely in here now.
I once got stuck on a deserted island. It got very lonely very fast, and I wanted some company
I decided to state my opinion on the upcoming election
The island went from deserted to crowded very quickly
Does anyone want to hang out, chat, and basically just be buddies with a lonely guy?
I'm asking for a friend.
Cop: Turn around!
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely
And you're never coming 'round
Cop: Turn around!
Me: Every...
\*Gets tazed\*
Lonely superman
So one day superman is flying around lonely when he noticed wonder women n**... on the beach having what looks like a w**....
He figures if he can fly down at the speed of light and do his business she would never even notice. After a few minutes he finally builds the courage and boom he goes in for the kill.
Wonder women in shock screams at the top of her voice "What the h**... was that?!" The invisible man in agonizing pain tells her "I have no idea but my a**... is killing me"
One day Adam said to God...
... "God, you let me live in paradise with all your creatures, but I'm lonely that there isn't one like me".
God replies "In that case I will make you a Woman. She will be the most beautiful thing you have ever seen and will take care of all your needs. All I need from you is an arm and a leg"
Adam thinks for a moment and asks "what can I get for a rib?"
A social worker joke
A man was robbed, beaten badly, and left in the gutter along a lonely street. After being there for hours, two social workers walk by and notice the beaten man. They look him over, see his injuries, and one says to the other, the person who did this could really use our help
If Trump goes to prison
he'll be very lonely because he pardoned all his friends
-
Jimmy Falon's writer
Knock knock..who is there?
No one is there I'm lonely
Therapist: [holding ink blot] what do you see?
Me: A sad lonely man wasting his life.
Therapist: [crying a little] I meant on the picture.
After stopping me, the Policeman asked if I knew why he had pulled me over...
Apparently, "because you were lonely?" wasn't the right answer
A man is hitchhiking on a lonely road.
After a good while an old beat up truck stops and picks him up and after a couple of minutes of small talk the driver ask the man if he wants some booze. Sure he says and gets handed a bottle. When he tries to drink it the smell of bad moonshine overwhelms him and he declined the drink. The old man driving just steps on the breaks and pulls a shotgun and screams " now you drink or I blow your head of" the guy does what he's told and takes a sterdy sip. After the old man goes: "Good, now you aim at me so I can have drink too"
Why aren't pregnant women lonely in Japan?
Because they get to hang out with all the edemames.
You want OC? That's fresh off the dome
The newly appointed army captain, while inspecting the soldiers' barracks, saw a female horse.
**Captain**: What's that horse for?
**Soldier**: Our men use her if they can no longer control the urge, sir.
**Captain**: Ah, that's fine then.
One lonely night, the captain felt the urge, so he asked the soldier to bring the horse to his tent. When the captain was done with the horse, he said to the soldier waiting outside his tent.
**Captain**: It's so d**... hard! How the h**... do you guys do it?
**Soldier**: We ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are, sir.
A genie and an idiot
Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: 'I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here.'
Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence with.
God answers of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue .
Adam is excited and asks that sounds perfect, what will it cost me
An arm and a leg
….what can I get for a rib?
