Lonely Jokes
123 lonely jokes and hilarious lonely puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lonely that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Lonely Jokes is a collection of jokes about being lonely, feeling isolated, and being single.
Funniest Lonely Short Jokes
Short lonely jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lonely humour may include short loneliness jokes also.
- When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
- If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.
- I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day.. Or you can just take the whole thing.
- Why was e^x so lonely at the party? Because every time he tried to integrate, he ended up with himself.
- How do you know archeologists are lonely? Theyre always coming up with new dating techniques.
- What does Happy Meal and a lonely girl have in common? They both come with a toy in the box.
- Whos the funniest disney princess? raPUNzel
*sits there laughing to self*
...so lonely.. - Library joke Why are librarians so lonely?
They're always by them shelves
Just wanted to see if that library joke checked out
Sorry for all the library jokes, I'll put them on hold - Therapist: [holding ink blot] what do you see? Me: A sad lonely man wasting his life.
Therapist: [crying a little] I meant on the picture. - My wife has left me for another man All that lies ahead is a miserable, pointless and lonely existence.
And while he's going through that I'll be down the pub every night getting drunk.
Share These Lonely Jokes With Friends
Lonely One Liners
Which lonely one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lonely? I can suggest the ones about solitary and being alone.
- I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares. It's nice to have some company.
- Why is Texas called the Lone Star state? Because of all the one-star reviews
- Texas is the Lone Star state. Of course, that's out of a possible 5 stars.
- I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car Now everyone waves at me
- There are 27 bones in the human hand... and 28 when I'm lonely.
- Who is the most lonely billionaire? Alone musk
- Why is the retired palaeontologist so lonely? He's always dating himself
- How do ginger people make friends? I'm being serious, it's getting kinda lonely here.
- I knew a bisexual girl who was very lonely I guess she was all bi herself.
- How lonely are you? I'm so lonely I go to the batting cages to play catch.
- Knock knock..who is there? No one is there I'm lonely
- If i could have dinner with anyone alive or dead... I would. Im very lonely
- What do you call asian man who is single Lone lee
- What's the worst rated US State on yelp? The Lone Star State.
- What do you call an italian assassin? A provo-lone gunman
Lonely Hearts Jokes
Here is a list of funny lonely hearts jokes and even better lonely hearts puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend sent her photo to the lonely hearts club They sent it back saying they weren't *that* lonely
Laughter Lonely Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about lonely you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean living alone jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lonely pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I didn't realise how lonely I was...
I didn't realise how lonely I was, until I decided my favourite s**... position was right-handed.
My mother told me this one...
One day a lonely woman decided to call the dating service. They asked her what she wanted in a man. She replied "I want a man who won't hit me, I want a man who won't leave me, and I want a great lover!" They said ok he will be there in one hour. So the woman gets ready for her date, and an hour later she hears the doorbell ring. She goes to the door but no one is there. When all of a sudden she hears "down here!". She looks down and sees a man with no arms and no legs lying on the doormat. She asks "can i help you?" He says "I am from the dating service." But she does not believe him. He sees this and says "just tell me what you want in a man. She says "I want a man who won't hit me". "Lady I ain't got any arms". "I want a man who wont leave me". "Lady I ain't got no legs". "And I want a great lover" she says. To which he replies "lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell?"
So Adam was lonely.
God asked Adam, "What's wrong?"
Adam replied, "I'm lonely."
So God said, "Adam, I will make you a partner. She will wash and cook and clean for you; she will listen to what you have to say and never interrupt you. She won't nag you about your actions and she will even bear your children. She will stay loyal to you and never be influenced by other men."
So Adam asked, "Well, what's his gonna cost me?"
"An arm and a leg," God replied.
Then Adam asked, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A business man goes to Japan for a business meeting...
This man gets there late at night. He was feeling a little lonely, so he got a Japanese h**.... He has his way with the h**... and feels like he did a pretty good job, considering she was screaming out one word the entire time in Japanese. The next day, this man went golfing with the Japanese business men he was going to meet with. During their golf outing, he gets a hole in one! The Japanese men start screaming and celebrating in Japanese words. The man got very excited too and yelled out the only Japanese word he could think of, and that was the one he learned from his h**.... He yelled out this word, and all the Japanese business men look at him strangely. One of them comes up to the business man and asks "what you mean wrong hole?"
Not what he was expecting....
A hot divorcee moved in next door to an elderly man who has been lonely for most of his life. A couple of weeks later, she stops at his house for a moment. "I'm ready", she says to him, and his package starts to rise-----he can't help himself! "I wanna blow off some steam, get drunk, and get laid! Can I ask you something before I do that?" The man replies, "Sure!" and is so hard, he can't think clearly. "Can you watch my kids?" the divorcee asks.
Why couldn't the dwarves renew their lease on the Lonely Mountain?
It failed the Smaug test.
What do a lonely astronaut and your thumbs have in common?
They both hang out at the Space Bar.
A mob boss and a mountain climber are sitting in a bar.
The mob boss says "It's lonely at the top."
The mountain climber says "Of course it is; if you stay there too long you die."
What does a lonely Sean Connery building IKEA products say?
I guess its jusht me, myshelf, and I tonight.
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first koala.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
I didn't want it to get lonely so I shot it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Adam: God, I appreciate everything you've done for me, but this earth is kind of lonely.
God: Well Adam. I can create for you a beautiful woman who cooks and cleans and fulfills all your desires.
Adam: ooooh sounds expensive. What's it gonna cost me.
God: An arm, leg and your right nut.
Adam: What can I get for a rib?
Fin.
I am terribly optimistic. For instance, on top of being fat and lonely, I just burnt my hand on the stove. But....
Now I have a black girlfriend!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An anesthesiologist walks into a bar...
and goes to buy a drink. He sits next to a lonely, beautiful blonde and offers to buy her one too. After a couple hours they head back to her place and they have c**.... Next morning during coffee, she asks him: "Hey, are you an anesthesiologist?". He looks at her and says "Yea, why?" She goes: "I knew it! Last night I couldn't feel a thing!"
Husband Wanted
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a documentary on TV about animal a**....
I felt lonely watching it by myself, so I made my dog watch it with me.
Whether he wanted to or not.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
And on Good Friday, I'm once again reminded that I'm a lonely v**....
Even Jesus got nailed today.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Monkey Business
A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the r**... janitor of the zoo if he'll have s**... with the gorilla for $500.
The r**... says that he'll do it under 2 conditions.
Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they?
I don't want anyone to ever find out.
Ok, done! What's your second condition?
The r**... says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."
I work in a call center and a customer told me this one.
A lonely man puts in ad out in the paper looking for a wife.
the next day he gets 100 responses all from men saying "you can have mine"
So God creates Adam...
...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.
God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."
God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."
Adam hesitates..
"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.
God responds "An arm and a leg."
Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"
If you're sad & lonely
If you're sad, lonely & home alone always watch good horror movie & you will feel someone's presence with you.
Did you hear about the lonely cow that joined a dating website?
She was searching for her udder half.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TIL Tim Gibbons, a reclusive gastroenterologist, has the only f**... preserved in a jar on record since 1983...
*owner of a lonely f**...*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is a lonely guy with a hard-on like a kitten stuck in a tree?
Because it's easier to get it up than to *get down*
I saw a kid pretending to be a dinosaur by himself today...
He looks lonely so I decided to go and join him. After a while, his mother came by and told me off.
Turns out he had Cerebral palsy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There once was a lonely, ill-informed belt...
I guess you could say he was out of the loop.
I'll see myself out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend told me I was smart enough to be the next Isaac Newton...
Well Newton died a lonely v**... so clearly I'm doing something right
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
Adam's discussion with God
So Adam is walking around the Garden of Eden and he calls out to God that he's kinda bored and lonely. He asks God if he can create someone who is kind and admires and serves him(Adam) in every way. God responds He can, but it's going to cost an arm and a leg, so Adam asks what he can get for a rib.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate when women say they're lonely when I'm here...
It's like saying you're hungry when there's a pile of cold spaghetti on the floor outside.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a lonely little boy sitting all by himself on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push…
He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.
A coworker has a cold so he took out a pack of Fisherman's Friend. I told that that's what I need
He said "Why, do you have a cold too?"
I replied "No, just lonely."
Cemetry at midnight is the only place in the world where...
A couple of armed robbers will scare you less than a little lonely girl in a white dress.
Lonely Obama
What is the previous president, Mr. Barack's, go to song when he is lonely?
.
.
O-ba-ma-self..don't wanna be!
What did the pirate say when he turned 81?
Nothing. He stood alone and sobbed uncontrollably, wishing that he could exchange all of his loot to get back the family and friends who all died long before him.
Unable to bear his sorrows for another lonely year, the old pirate kicked the stool out from underneath himself and smiled for the first time in years. He would see them again soon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do really ugly people and really good-looking people have in common?
No one of the opposite s**... has the guts to talk to them...
I'm so lonely
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the lonely man with insomnia say?
Sleep and s**... are the same to me, but I can't get either of them.
Asking for a friend...
Please, I am very lonely and have nobody to talk to but my parakeet, Humphrey.
A lonely man sits at the bar...
He watches a goofy looking little man sitting and talking to a gorgeous lady, eventually walking out arm in arm.
He asks the bartender "How does he do that?"
Bartender replies "I dunno. He's here every night, and takes home the prettiest lady in the bar every time. And all he does is sit back there in that booth and lick his eyebrows."
When you have a bunch of white bugs in your hair, it's called lice. What's it called when you have just one?
Lonely.
A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...
Police: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round...
Police: TURN AROUND!!
Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!
Why did the lonely clock call the lonely ruler?
Cause desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm really lonely. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Although that's because I have no enemies to wish it on.
Phone calls between time zones are the worst.
One night I was lonely and tried to call the international date line. No luck.
Everyone should go out right now and give ten random people a hug.
I did this earlier and it's lonely in this holding cell. I want someone nice to talk to.
I saw your father!
He dropped by to give me a sibling so I won't be lonely when he leaves too
How many lonely guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. But he wishes it took two. :(
Wanted: One Night Stand
I'm moving soon and my room is really empty and lonely. I have a bed in my room and I am looking for one night stand. I prefer black, but a darker brown will do. I would also like it to be unique, not some plain night stand you would pick up from Walmart.
What did the lonely guy say when he bought some stock?
It's nice to finally have some company.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I really hope coronavirus can't spread through s**....
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why were the Dwarfs under the Lonely Mountain so good at s**...?
All they wanted to do was go deeper.
In the beginning, God created man.
Then, seeing man was lonely, God created woman, that man could feel his loneliness more keenly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Now that he's divorced, what does Amazon's CEO do when he's feeling lonely?
Jeff pays h**....
As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...
I wouldn't discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.
Bought a pet rock. It looked lonely so I bought another. I dunno how, but they started breeding. Months later there was gravel and stones everywhere. I couldn't take it anymore and had enough.
Threw it all in a canvas sack, weighed it down with a couple of puppies, and tossed it in the river.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The s**... found the lost lonely egg and the egg seemed worried
The s**... said "don't worry because zygote you now"
I always wanted to have a pet, especially in these lonely times
But I realized- I am already nursing vipers in my bosom.
Garfield the cat, feeling lonely during the COVID-19 pandemic, wakes up, has a cup of coffee and thinks to himself...
"I just want to get back to Nermal."
I saw a lonely young man sitting at the bar
He was softly singing to himself *21 today, 21 today*.
Feeling sorry for the lad I bought him a beer.
With a smile and a nod of the head he sings *22 today, 22 today*!
This will take awhile
Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.
"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede, but there's no answer from the box.
A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"
"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I'm putting on my shoes!"
This Corona app is like Tinder in reverse...
...first you meet, then you find out you have a match and suddenly you feel rather lonely.
There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.
They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.
The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."
The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.
The old country man then goes, "Tim and I off hunting went, found some girls in a pop up tent, they were three and we were two and I buck one and Tim buck two."
I gave a lonely guy a baby bear as a pet.
He said, "Thanks for making my life a little bearable."
Over the past year, I've been blocking every account that's reposted a joke.
It's so lonely in here now.
I once got stuck on a deserted island. It got very lonely very fast, and I wanted some company
I decided to state my opinion on the upcoming election
The island went from deserted to crowded very quickly
Does anyone want to hang out, chat, and basically just be buddies with a lonely guy?
I'm asking for a friend.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lonely superman
So one day superman is flying around lonely when he noticed wonder women n**... on the beach having what looks like a w**....
He figures if he can fly down at the speed of light and do his business she would never even notice. After a few minutes he finally builds the courage and boom he goes in for the kill.
Wonder women in shock screams at the top of her voice "What the h**... was that?!" The invisible man in agonizing pain tells her "I have no idea but my a**... is killing me"
