lock Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious lock puns

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

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I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

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I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They get really angry if you go in and ask for a coat hanger

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What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common?

They both turn o into an O .

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I've been watching so much porn lately…

I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in…

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Your dog loves you more than your wife does.

Want proof? Lock them both in the trunk of your car. Let them out an hour later and see which one is happy to see you.

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My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

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My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married…

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…

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I'm really looking to re-capture my lost youth...

...my basement door doesn't lock properly

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Your dog is better than your wife.

Don't believe me? Lock them both in your trunk for an hour and then see who's happy when you open it.

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How do you know that your dog loves you more than your wife?

Lock them both in the trunk of your car for a few hours and your real bestfriend will be the one happy to see you.

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How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife?

Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.

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What is between moms legs?

One day a boy asked his father, Dad, what is between moms legs?

The father reply, The door to heaven!



Then what is between yours? – the boy asked. The father said, The key to the door!

Then the boy said, I think you should change the lock because our neighbor has the spare key.

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What is the similarity between Caps Lock and prison?

They both turn "o" into "O".

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Why couldnt the laptop take off his hat?

He had caps lock on.

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Last night I witnessed my dad having a stroke

I really wish he would lock the door when he does that.

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My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment.

But it's actually opened a lot of doors for me.

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How about some Little Johnny...

Little Johnny asks his Dad "What's between mom's legs?"
The father answers: "Paradise, my son."
Little Johnny asks again: "What's between your legs?"
The father replies: "The key to paradise."


Little Johnny says: "Piece of advice Dad, change the lock the neighbor has a duplicate key."

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What do you call a lock with low self-confidence?

Insecure.

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Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour. Guess who is happy to see you when you open the trunk?

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What's the best way of determining who loves you more - your wife or your dog?

Lock them both in your car, unlock it after 4 hours and see which one is happy to see you

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How do you find a needle in a hay stack?

Lock a junkie in the barn

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A Pickle, Cucumber, and Penis are talking...

The Pickle says, "I hate my life, once I get big and juicy, they throw me into brine and lock me away for 6 months.

The Cucumber says, "That's nothing when I get big and juicy, they slice me up, throw me on a salad and eat me."

The Penis says, "Well when I get big and juicy, they throw a tarp over me, shove me into a dark cave, and bash my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out."

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In between her legs

A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says "It's paradise my boy." "Ok whats in between your legs" and he says "Its the key to paradise." And the boy goes "Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key."

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A woman approaches a monk and asks "how come if a man has sex with a lot of women he is a player, but if a woman has sex with a lot of men she is a slut?"

The monk looks the woman and says "a key that opens many locks is a master key, but a lock that gets opened by many of keys is a shitty lock"

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Two new nuns remodel their bedroom.

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, Who is it?

Blind man!

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt. They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?

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A boy works up the courage to ask the girl he likes on a date

The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.

The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."

The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.

They go out to dinner and the girl orders a steak while the boy eats an arrangement of insects he brought from home.

In the parking lot after dinner the two lock eyes, lean in, and slowly kiss each other. After the kiss the girls eyes are lit up with magic and she asks the boy how their first kiss felt.

The boy replies "I've got butterflies in my stomach."

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A little boy asks his dad

Boy: whats between moms legs?

father: paradise

Boy: whats between your legs?

Father: the key to the paradise

Boy: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbor has a copy.

Dad: ( Ν Β° ΝŸΚ– Ν‘Β°)

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In the locker room after the game...

The guys have finished playing, have showered, and are getting dressed. Dennis pulls out a black lace bra and panties and starts to put them on.

His team mates begin laughing, and making fun of him. The coach asks, "Hey, Dennis! Since when did you start wearing women's underwear?"

Dennis replies, "Since my wife found them under the passenger seat of my car."

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What do locking your keys in the car and getting your girlfriend pregnant have in common?

Both are easily fixed with a coat hanger.

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An american tourist walks up to an Irish pub counter.

Sir, she says, I'd like to make a complaint. There is no lock on the toilet door.
Well ma'am, says the barman. My grandfather opened this pub in 1910, and ran it for almost 40 years. My father took over and he ran it for another 4 decades. Now ma'am, I've been running this place for 25 years myself. And you know what missus in all that time nobody has stolen a shit yet



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Credit to the publican who told this store on rte last night

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I'm writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced.

There's a lovely key change at the end.

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When I was a teenager, I'd lock myself in my bedroom for hours every night...

One night, my dad kicked the door open to find out what I was doing. He walked in to discover me sitting on my hand.

"Ah, that old trick," he laughed. I gave an awkward smile back.

"I have to say, son," he continued, "I'm relieved to be honest. I thought you might've been doing something weird. I'll leave you to it."

When he closed the door behind him, I just shrugged my shoulders and carried on fisting myself

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I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night.

It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

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The most trustworthy knight

A king is about to set out on a journey far away from his home, and must leave his wife behind, but is worried about her faithfulness. He asks the local blacksmith to create a chastity belt that will keep his wife faithful, and so the blacksmith gets to work right away. The blacksmith brings the king a set of metal undergarments with a lock in the back, and a large hole in the front. The king asks why the blacksmith would leave a hole in such a spot. The blacksmith proceeds to get a short stick, and place it in the hole. Immediately, the end of the stick is chopped off by a blade within the hole. The king is impressed, so he leaves on his way after giving the undergarments to his wife. On the day the king returned, he assembled all of his knights in a line, and told them to drop their pants, in order to see who had tried to have their way with his wife. To his displeasure, the king saw that all down the line, every knight had lost his member to the blade, with the exception of one. The king congratulated the knight on his trustworthiness, and asked that he be made the new general in his army. The knight simply shook his head. The king asked again, and again the knight simply shook his head. Confused, the king asked the knight why he refused to accept such an honor, only to have the next knight in line turned to the king and say, "Forgive him, your majesty, he has had trouble speaking since his tongue was chopped off."

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What are the most funny Lock jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Lock? Well, here are the best Lock dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Lock pick up lines to share with friends.

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