Lock Jokes
187 lock jokes and hilarious lock puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lock that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
One of the funniest things about locks is the puns that can be made with them. Check out this selection of hilarious lock jokes to make you laugh, from knock locks and caps lock puns to door locks and canal locks. With clever key and shut jokes, you won't know what to expect next!
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Funniest Lock Short Jokes
Short lock jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lock humour may include short sealed jokes also.
- Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes? Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.
- I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.
- EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that... [This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]
- I accidentally locked my key in my car in front of an abortion clinic... They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.
- I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic They get really angry if you go in and ask for a coat hanger
- What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.
- What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of a Planned Parenthood? Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.
- Your dog loves you more than your wife does. Want proof? Lock them both in the trunk of your car. Let them out an hour later and see which one is happy to see you.
- The thing I learned from beauty and the beast: Any girl can fall in love with you given you lock her in the basement long enough.
- I went to the zoo today and saw a bagel locked up in a cage. Apparently it was bread in captivity.
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Lock One Liners
Which lock one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lock? I can suggest the ones about slot and dock.
- If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up... He should have just hired her!
- I like my women like I like my wine 12 years old and locked in the basement
- What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common? They both turn o into an O .
- I like my women like I like my bikes. Chained up and locked down in my garage.
- I just learned how to lock pick Its opened so many doors for me
- What is the similarity between Caps Lock and prison? They both turn "o" into "O".
- Why couldnt the laptop take off his hat? He had caps lock on.
- I went to a store that sells door locks for little people. Low key, it was pretty nice.
- What do you call a crippled kid locked in a hot car? Steamed Vegetable.
- Why don't jamaican people secure their homes? Because they dread locks
- Why did the black man walk into a bar? Because the cell door was still locked.
- What do you call a lock with low self-confidence? Insecure.
- Learning to pick locks really opened a lot of doors for me
- What do you call Elsa when she locked herself in her room for years? Iceolated
- The local wig shop got broken into last night They've had to replace all the locks
Door Lock Jokes
Here is a list of funny door lock jokes and even better door lock puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Today I was walking past a car filled with black people and they locked the door when I got close. I felt like a badass until I realized that it was my car.
- I'm really looking to re-capture my lost youth... ...my basement door doesn't lock properly
- My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment. But it's actually opened a lot of doors for me.
- Your wife is locked out at the front door yelling at you and your dog is barking at the back door to be let in. Which do you let in first? Your dog, because it'll stop barking once you let it in.
- I'm writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There's a lovely key change at the end.
- Just learned how to pick locks the other day! A lot of doors have opened up for me since then.
- Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? Every time somebody goes in a bathroom and locks the door, you take four shots.
- What two keys are the worst at opening locked doors? A monkey and a donkey
- Why couldn't Elon Musk enter his house? Because his door was locked and he left the keys in his car.
- (A joke my 3 y/o nephew came up with) Kiddo: knock knock
Mom: who's there?
Kid: Daddy. Because I locked the door. *laughs hysterically*
Lock And Key Jokes
Here is a list of funny lock and key jokes and even better lock and key puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly. Because communication is key.
- What's worse than locking your keys in your car at the abortion clinic? When you have to go back in and ask for a coat hanger.
- If you ever get locked out Sit down and talk to the lock calmly,
Because communication is key. - A man was locked out of his apartment He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock...
Because end of the day, communication is key. - What do locking your keys in the car and getting your girlfriend pregnant have in common? Both are easily fixed with a coat hanger.
- What's the worst thing about accidentally locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.
- I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.
- A group of apes had locked everyone inside of a Himalayan monastery Escape was delayed because of the missing monk key.
- If I locked my keys in my car outside of a abortion clinic... Would it be awkward to go inside and ask for a wire hanger?
- I've just written a song about replacing my front door lock It's got a great key change at the end
Caps Lock Jokes
Here is a list of funny caps lock jokes and even better caps lock puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- IF I SCAM SOMEONE WITH CAPS LOCK ON.. IS IT A CAPITAL CRIME?
- What does caps lock and prison have in common? They both turn "o" into "O".
- Why couldn't the computer take it's hat off? Because caps lock was on.
- HEY, HOW ARE YOU? - Dude, press the Caps Lock key on your keyboard!
- WOW, THIS IS MUCH BETTER, I DON'T HAVE TO HOLD DOWN SHIFT ANYMORE - What do Caps Lock and prison have in common? A minor touch and you get capital punishment.
- Why couldn't the computer take it's hat off? It forgot to take Caps Lock off.
- WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT. IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER!
// THE POLICE - Why couldn't the IT guy take his hat off? Caps lock
- Ironically Caps 'Lock' is a 'Key'.
- How do you get rid of capitalism? Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.
Lock Picking Jokes
Here is a list of funny lock picking jokes and even better lock picking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just picked up the Germanwings iPhone app... When I switched on airplane mode, it locked me out of the phone and then crashed.
- Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me. now if i were a diamond ring, where would i hide ...
- I recently learned how to pick a lock… It's opened many doors for me.
- Knowing how to pick locks Really opened a lot of doors for me.
- This actually happened My brother has a lockbox and lost the key, so he said to me "Zaent, can you pick a lock?", I replied "Give me two and I'll pick one."
- If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.
- Kids, don't drop out of school. Instead try lock picking It's opened so many doors for me
- I just gave up reading a bad book on lock picking couldn't get into it at all.
- I have 6 locks on my door... When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
- Picking locks Learning how to pick locks has opened many doors for me.
Knock Lock Jokes
Here is a list of funny knock lock jokes and even better knock lock puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Doris!
Doris who?
Doris locked that’s why I am knocking!
Cheerful Lock Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about lock you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean password jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lock pranks.
How about some Little Johnny...
Little Johnny asks his Dad "What's between mom's legs?"
The father answers: "Paradise, my son."
Little Johnny asks again: "What's between your legs?"
The father replies: "The key to paradise."
Little Johnny says: "Piece of advice Dad, change the lock the neighbor has a duplicate key."
2 blondes in the rain...
2 blondes are leaving a bar when it starts pooring down rain. The first blonde realizes that she left the keys in the car and tries picking the lock. After a couple minutes of trying to open the door, the second blonde freaks out and says, "Hurry up! It's raining cats and dogs and the convertable top is down!"
Was surprised when my son came out the closet yesterday...
I didn't think he could break through that lock.
How do you starve a feminist?
Lock her in a room with a jar of pickles and a male body builder.
Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?
Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour. Guess who is happy to see you when you open the trunk?
First post: unconditional love test
Lock your wife/husband in the trunk of your car for an hour, then your dog. Guess who's still happy to see you...
How do you drive a girl insane?
Give her new clothes and lock her inside a room without a mirror
When I was a teenager, I'd lock myself in my bedroom for hours every night...
One night, my dad kicked the door open to find out what I was doing. He walked in to discover me sitting on my hand.
"Ah, that old trick," he laughed. I gave an awkward smile back.
"I have to say, son," he continued, "I'm relieved to be honest. I thought you might've been doing something weird. I'll leave you to it."
When he closed the door behind him, I just shrugged my shoulders and carried on f**... myself
How do you process a queue of table delete requests for an asynchronous database?
Pop, Lock & Drop It
Your dog is better than your wife.
Don't believe me? Lock them both in your trunk for an hour and then see who's happy when you open it.
The man's best friend
You know the phrase "the dog is the man's best friend"?
Well, I can prove it's true!
Just lock up your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car and one hour later... guess who is gonna be happy to see you!!
The locked car...
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply: "I know. I already got that side."
3 days ago I got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone enters the wrong code in my phone.
So far I have 26 pictures of drunk me.
How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife?
Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.
Who are you and how did you get in here?
I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith.
A boy works up the courage to ask the girl he likes on a date
The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.
The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."
The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.
They go out to dinner and the girl orders a steak while the boy eats an arrangement of insects he brought from home.
In the parking lot after dinner the two lock eyes, lean in, and slowly kiss each other. After the kiss the girls eyes are lit up with magic and she asks the boy how their first kiss felt.
The boy replies "I've got butterflies in my stomach."
I've been locked in a room to cure my acne.
I haven't broken out yet.
Want to know if your wife loves you as much as your dog?
Lock them both in a trunk of a car and see who's happy to see you
when you open it to let them out
If you want to understand who loves you more, your wife or your dog, lock them both on the balcony
After three hours unlock them and see who's happier to see you
If Dr. Seuss were a convict (poem)
What's this in my hand?
Behind your back?
It's soap on a a rope!
Whack whack whack!
What's this in my sock?
Tick tock, knock knock.
A large steel lock!
Chock chock chock!
What's this in my breeches?
I heard that you blab..
Snitches get stitches!
Stab stab stab!!
Last night I witnessed my dad having a s**...
I really wish he would lock the door when he does that.
Locking your keys in the car is a lot like getting your girlfriend pregnant.
A coat hanger should take care of the problem.
How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife?
Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.
Why did the chicken lock itself in the freezer?
to get to the other side.
I don't have "safe s**..." ...
... because I have never been turned on by anything with a combination lock.
Lock an astronomer in a basement...
and they'll go star craving mad.
A little boy asks his dad
Boy: whats between moms legs?
father: paradise
Boy: whats between your legs?
Father: the key to the paradise
Boy: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbor has a copy.
Dad: ( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)
What is between moms legs?
One day a boy asked his father, Dad, what is between moms legs?
The father reply, The door to heaven!
Then what is between yours? – the boy asked. The father said, The key to the door!
Then the boy said, I think you should change the lock because our neighbor has the spare key.
My wife says that she still hears her grandmother's voice sometimes before she goes to sleep at night.
But only when I forget to lock the basement.
In the locker room after the game...
The guys have finished playing, have showered, and are getting dressed. Dennis pulls out a black lace bra and p**... and starts to put them on.
His team mates begin laughing, and making fun of him. The coach asks, "Hey, Dennis! Since when did you start wearing women's underwear?"
Dennis replies, "Since my wife found them under the passenger seat of my car."
What does a suburban neighbourhood do if there's a b**...?
They lock their doors and windows.
How do you know a dog is better than a wife?
Lock them both in the trunk of your car and see who is happier to see you after an hour when you let them out.
Whenever I find the key to success,
someone changes the lock.
Did you hear about the guy who tried to lock himself in a shed for 1 hour?
In the end, he couldn't contain himself.
They say that happiness is the key to everything...
So when I got locked out of my house, I smiled at the lock
Got a password lock
that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong password to look into my phone.
Now I have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Why couldn't the computer feel anything?
Num. lock was on
How do you find a needle in a hay stack?
Lock a j**... in the barn
What's the best way of determining who loves you more - your wife or your dog?
Lock them both in your car, unlock it after 4 hours and see which one is happy to see you
My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.
They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.
You can tell a lot about the different branches of the armed services by their use of the word "secure":
Order Marines to secure a building and they'll attack it.
Order soldiers to secure a building and they'll post guards around it.
Order airmen to secure a building and they'll buy it.
Order sailors to secure a building and they'll turn off the lights, lock the doors, and go out drinking.
My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married…
She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…
How do you know that your dog loves you more than your wife?
Lock them both in the trunk of your car for a few hours and your real bestfriend will be the one happy to see you.
Why is a dog mans best friend?
Lock your dog and wife in a trunk for an hour and see who's happier to see you when you let them out.
The difference between the services
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase secure the building :
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
Why did the edgy teenager lock himself in the freezer ?
He taught it was cool.
Villian: I'm going to bury superman this evening, bwahahahha!
Henchman: yeah, lol, heard this one before.
Villian: No really! At sundown, I'm going to lure him into this mausoleum and lock the door, it's his weakness!
Henchman: What are you talking about, that'll never work!
Villian: Of course it will, it's his crypt tonight.
Why a man should always choose a dog over a wife
No man should ever choose a woman when we can get himself a dog.
Want proof?
Next time they misbehave put your dog and your woman in the garage for an hour and lock the door. Which one is happy to see you when you come back?
If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour...
which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?
Why did Donald Trump lock down the White House when the Easter Bunny was escaping?
because his hare is almost gone.
Wife or dog
Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk, go back an hour later and see who's happy to see you. That's how you find out who your real friend is.
If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be s**...! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...
...they'd even know my birth year!
I got locked in a mirror shop last night.
On the plus side, it gave me time to reflect.
A stranger gave me a really old metal box...
He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.
So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys later if it works or not.
n**... painting
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t**.... Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
IF YOU SEE A LINK TITLED JAMES CHARLES n**... , DON'T CLICK ON IT.
#IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON PERMANENT CAPS LOCK.
After lockdown I'm going to be less condescending.
(Condescending means to talk down to people)
Locked in her basement
A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her s**... s**....
One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.
During lockdown my next door neighbours 4 year old started learning Spanish.
He still can't say 'Please' though, which is poor for four.
My son came out of the closet today
I swear his body keeps falling out I knew I should have brought a better lock
Because of lockdown, I have not been driving at all. So I was quite excited when I got back in the car again.
As I stuck it in reverse, I said,
"This takes me back"
IF YOU SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK SAYING "CLICK HERE FOR TRUMP n**..." DON'T OPEN IT
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
Two blondes leave a restaurant and realize they've locked their keys in the car.
The husband fiddles with the door but isn't having any luck.
The wife says I know! I'll run inside and see if they have a coat hanger that we can use to Jimmy the lock!
The husband replies Great idea! But hurry, because it's about to rain and the top is down!
