loch Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious loch puns

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"


What do you call the Loch Ness monster on drugs

You're high ness


Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.


An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, Oh, my God! Please help me!

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, I thought you didn't believe in Me!

Come on God, give me a break!! the man pleaded. Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the LochNess monster either!

(Credit. The Joke Cafe)


An atheist is fishing in a boat on Loch Ness

When all of a sudden, the Loch Ness Monster comes up and begins thrashing his boat around. The monster tosses him into the air. On his way down he shouts "God, help me!"

Everything stops. He is mere feet from the monster's mouth. Then a loud, booming voice comes from the heavens and asks:

"You have not followed me for your entire life and have discouraged those who did. Why should I help you now?"

The atheist thinks for a moment before saying:

"Look, five minutes ago, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."


The government has covered up the existence of monsters for centuries...

The truth is kept under Loch and key.


British Redneck Joke

Bubba Windsor and Earl Spencer had just finished a leisurely tour of The Fitzwilliam Museum at Grove Lane and a gourmet repast at Loch Fyne Restaurant Ltd. on Trumpington St. On this fine afternoon they were proceeding northwest toward King's Parade and their destination, St Catherine's College of Cambridge University in order to attend a lecture by Malcolm Longair, CBE FRS on astrophysical cosmology. As the two foppish gentlemen strolled they discussed Einstein's concern with the Lorentz transformation which left Maxwell's equations invariant. As they approached Little St Mary's Lane, they espied a British Bulldog, lolling about, giving his willy and bollocks a proper polishing. Bubba posited that he had a deep desire to do the same, saying "I dare say, I do wish I could perform such a maneuver" To which Earl Spencer responded "I'm quiet sure, if you asked nicely, he would let you"


What does the Loch Ness Monster eat?

Fish & ships


Did you know you have to swim to get into Scottish Houses?

It's because there's always a loch on the door! :D


Lochte: My record is the most credible, because...

IM the world record holder.


What's the best day to marry the Loch Ness Monster?



What car does the Loch Ness Monster drive?

A Ford F-tree-fiddy


What kind of car does the loch Ness monster drive?

A Nissan tree fiddy!


My penis is like the Loch Ness monster, they're both big and scary

But no one's actually seen either


Have you heard the Scottish National Party's proposal to reduce Loch Ness monster sightings?

Nick all the sturgeon


Lochte turns up late for his Brazil hearing...

"Very sorry Your Honour, I got held up"


What do you get when you cross a muppet with the Loch Ness monster?


Thank you and goodnight.


Checkmate, atheists.

An atheist was
rowing along in Loch Ness and WHOOSH! The Loch Ness monster rears up in front of him, hissing and ready to eat. The terrified man said, "Oh God, help me!"

An angry voice booms from the heavens, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

The atheist says, "Oh, come on! Ten seconds ago, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"


Where do the Scottish keep their fish?

Under loch and quay


Why didn't the Loch Ness monster tip the strippers?

He needs free tiddies


What did the Loch Ness monster call his baby?

The cute ness monster.


Some monsters have a medical condition in which it is actually imposible to take a cohesive picture of them

Such monsters include: Sasquatch, The Loch Ness Monster, and Mike Wazowski.


How much is the Loch Ness Monster mod on Steam?

about tree fiddy.


A very pixelated Loch Ness Monster showed up at my door...

He said "Imma need about 8-bitty."


How much money would it cost to find and capture the Loch Ness Monster?

About tree fiddy


What else did Lochte say after the truth came out?

This did not go swimmingly at all


If the Loch Ness Monster exists, does that also mean it has a favourite vegetable?

Loch Ness' celery.


How many times has the Loch Ness monster been sighted as of late?

About Tree Fiddy.


Someone told me that a Loch Ness sighting can happen at anytime.

I like the random Ness of it.


Did you know Al Capone had a cousin in Scotland?

They called him the Loch Ness Mobster.



Synchronized swimmers would have kept their story straight.


I decided to hide my fortune beneath a stone docking platform next to a Scottish lake...

I'm keeping it under loch and quay.


What are the most funny Loch jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Loch? Well, here are the best Loch dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Loch pick up lines to share with friends.

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