The Best 25 Local Supermarket Jokes

A group of teenagers robbed our local supermarket and stole 180 cans of red bull.

I don't know how these people can sleep at night.

You must be single.

A young woman was shopping at her local supermarket. She puts her items on the conveyer: A toothbrush, toothpaste, a half-gallon of 2% milk and a frozen pizza. The cashier calmly states, "You must be single." The woman looks at her items and back to the cashier, "Wow! How did you know that?" The cashier responds, "Because you you're ugly AF."

So I was walking past my local supermarket the other day and a man started to throw cheese, butter and milk at me.

How dairy.

Thieves stole 30 crates of red bull from our local supermarket

I don't know how they sleep at night

A woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at the local supermarket,

But she was having trouble finding one that was large enough for her family.

She decided to ask the shop assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The shop assistant replied, "No ma'am, they're dead.."

Me and my best friend went to the local supermarket...

He started to throw the milk and cheese all over the aisle. I thought, how dairy?

I fell over a toilet roll display at my local supermarket

I cut my leg badly and was rushed to hospital. I said to the doctor, "what's the damage" He replied, "just some torn tissue".

I'm 3'6 , which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf.

Then suddenly the penne dropped.

Warning about pick pockets

At the local supermarket, two young women are standing at the parking lot exit, asking for a lift.

Shortly after leaving the parking lot, they will start undressing each other and making out, before one of them offers to give you a blow job, while the other steals your wallet.

It happened to me monday, two times tuesday and again yesterday

If you think you've hit rock bottom, just remember that my bank...

once froze my accounts because I bought a healthy ready meal at my local supermarket, and they classed it as an "uncharacteristic purchase"

Prices are going up

Two housewives met in the local supermarket. One had filled her shopping cart with Vaseline. She explained, They are going to raise the price so, I'm stocking up.

The other woman replied, I'd never go to such extremes to save money. I'm not that tight.

Have you guys heard the joke about the koala?

So this Koala had applied for a job at his local supermarket but was very disappointed when he found out he didn't have the correct Koalifications.

I'm so sorry.

I went to my local supermarket

I went to my local supermarket and they offered me a 'bag for life'. I said, "No thanks, I'm already married."

Two Jews emigrate from Russia.

One goes to Israel and the other goes to Germany. One year passes and they get together at a restaurant to catch up.

"Moshe, I'm very lucky" says his friend, "I live in Haifa now where I own a supermarket. The weather is wonderful, and everyone is so kind. I truly have it made."

"Izya, I am lucky as well. I live in Munich and work at a local crematorium, and you won't believe it, BUT I'M BURNING GERMANS!"

Because of covid-19 I'm doing things I've never done before. Tonight, for the first time, I started looking for dates online.

My local supermarket has set up an online service where you can search for your groceries and things online. I've put in an order for a cup of cooking dates. I'm excited to pick them up. I'm sure they'll be very sweet.

I recently started working for a charity that convinces local supermarkets to give us their expiring baked goods to donate to refugees and the local homeless. We're working in conjunction with local churches to help distribute donations. All of us are there voluntarily, after all..

It's a naan-prophet organization.

Where did zimbabweans get their food before they started hunting and foraging?

At a local supermarket

I just learned that my local supermarket stopped selling my favorite cheese

They cut the cheese and it stinks.

My local supermarket is selling Star Wars-themed cereal...

They really are trying to milk the franchise for all its worth.

My girlfriend just told me the local supermarkets might run out of meat due to Covid-19.

I told her, I'm not worried. There's more than one way to skin a cat.

Man caught pinching loaf at local supermarket.

Preparations for parenthood.

Not sure you are prepared to be a parent, here are some tips to get you started.



Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a bathrobe and stick a giant beanbag chair down the front and leave it for 9 months. After the 9 months, empty out approximately 10-20% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to your local drug store, dump the contents of your wallet on the counter and give it the pharmacist. Then, go to the supermarket and arrange to have your salary direct-deposit to their headquarters. Go home, pick up the paper and read it for the very last time.

I said hello to a woman in the produce section of my local supermarket.

My sexual harassment trial starts next month

What does Guillermo del Toro's latest film have in common with your local supermarket?

Fishsticks.