Local Jokes
155 local jokes and hilarious local puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about local that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Enjoy a good laugh with local jokes from across the globe. From Hawaiian to Nigerian and Singaporean, laugh out loud with national and regional jokes that will delight local residents.
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Funniest Local Short Jokes
Short local jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The local humour may include short town jokes also.
- As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time" I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
- My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
- When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen. I was touched.
- Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"
- Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves. Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.
- My grandpa warned people the titanic would sink and no one listened. He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
- Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.
- Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas
- A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest The man enters the bank.
Man: I'm here to find out about the mortgage
Employee: I don't really care. - A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day... ...The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.
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Local One Liners
Which local one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with local? I can suggest the ones about located and urban.
- Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart? ...because its not a Target.
- A hole appeared in the wall around the local nudist colony. Police are looking into it.
- The toilet at my local police station has been stolen. Cops have nothing to go on
- Our local auctioneer has passed away. He was somewhere around 30? 35? 35? 40.
- All of the local atheists decided to organize They became a non-prophet organization
- My Local Pizza Place Just Folded Now they serve Calzones.
- A large hole appeared outside the local police station. They're looking into it.
- Why did the hipster refuse to undergo surgery? The anesthesia wasn't local.
- A local cartoonists studio has burnt down. Police say that details are sketchy.
- I couldn't get a place at the local library ...........they were completely booked
- Muslim artists threw some paint bombs at a local building... They blue it up.
- I finally got hired at the local adult store First day on the job I got a raise!
- A local pizza chain just folded The new restaurants serve only calzones now.
- My local newspaper is running an innuendo competition. I might enter my sister.
- Temel owes a lot of money to the local shops
Local Supermarket Jokes
Here is a list of funny local supermarket jokes and even better local supermarket puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A group of teenagers robbed our local supermarket and stole 180 cans of red bull. I don't know how these people can sleep at night.
- I'm not saying the staff in my local supermarket are thick, but when I asked if they could open Till 2, the manager replied.. "We're already open till 10 most nights. "
- I forgot to wear a mask in the local supermarket. The manager told me to never show my face there again.
- So I was walking past my local supermarket the other day and a man started to throw cheese, butter and milk at me. How dairy.
- Thieves stole 30 crates of red bull from our local supermarket I don't know how they sleep at night
- Me and my best friend went to the local supermarket... He started to throw the milk and cheese all over the aisle. I thought, how dairy?
- I fell over a toilet roll display at my local supermarket I cut my leg badly and was rushed to hospital. I said to the doctor, "what's the damage" He replied, "just some torn tissue".
- I went on a couple of dates last week at the local supermarket. The grocer was outraged, and said I destroyed his fruits.
- I went to my local supermarket I went to my local supermarket and they offered me a 'bag for life'. I said, "No thanks, I'm already married."
- Where did zimbabweans get their food before they started hunting and foraging? At a local supermarket
Local Government Jokes
Here is a list of funny local government jokes and even better local government puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why don't local government prioritize the concerns of laborers who collect minerals in caves? They're only miner issues.
- Which branch of local government do pigs work at? Porks and Recreation.
- TIL of Shakira's initiative to introduce computers to Brazil to counter deceit by local government bodies. Asked to comment, she said "chips don't lie".
- I was talking to a convicted p**... the other day about how the government funding for the local community has dropped He said the biggest issue now a days is that parks are hard to come by.
Local Authorities Jokes
Here is a list of funny local authorities jokes and even better local authorities puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A dwarf who is a mystic escapes from jail. The local authorities warned the people of a small medium at large
- Today the authorities busted the local T-Rex shop, causing a huge uproar amongst the dinosaur community Apparently he was a small-arms dealer
- Captain Morgan now facing s**... assault accusations. Local authorities asking victims one question. Have you had a little Captain in you?
- What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy Gang r**...
testing the water to see if I get referred to the local authorities also, inspired by someone else with a r**... joke
Comedy Local Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about local you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean region jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make local pranks.
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a p**... in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber p**... here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo
Apparently as a 4-year old, h**... was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
I read in the local paper someone was going around pickpocketing midgets.
I never thought someone could stoop so low.
A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.
"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."
An American businessman was in Japan...
He hired a local h**... and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...
...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".
A cowboy takes a break from the range and heads out to LA for a cowboy convention . . .
When he gets to LA, he decides to stop at a local watering hole and grab a beer. He's sitting there in his hat, jeans, and boots, when a woman walks up and sits down beside him.
Woman: Are you a cowboy?
Cowboy: Well yes ma'am, I am.
Woman: Like a real deal cowboy?
Cowboy: I don't know any other kind.
Woman: I've never met a real cowboy before.
Cowboy: Well now you have.
Woman: Well?
Cowboy: Well what?
Woman: Aren't you going to ask what I am?
Cowboy: Well, uh, what are you?
Woman: I'm a lesbian.
Cowboy: A lesb- . . . I don't believe I know what that is.
Woman: It means that I like women. I like to kiss them and touch them and make love to them.
Cowboy: . . . .
The woman gets up and leaves and another woman comes into the bar. She spots the cowboy sitting there with his beer and takes a seat beside him.
Woman: Are you a cowboy?
Cowboy: Well ma'am, I thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
harharhar.
I went into my local record store recently...
and asked the clerk "do you have anything by The Doors?", and he replied, "just the fire extinguisher".
What happened?
A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.
s**... harassment
The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary bursts into his office to file a complaint of s**... harassment against a man working in the same department. "What on earth did he do?", asks the boss. "It's not what he did but what he said!", the secretary shrieks. "He said my hair smelt nice!". "And what is so wrong with him telling you that?", asks the boss. "He's a midget" ,huffs the woman.
I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
Best read out loud
I was walking past my local athletics track when I saw a man carrying a very long, thin bag. I asked him "are you a pole vaulter?"
He said "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
The Irishman's parking space
An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.
He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."
Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."
ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland...
Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past.
"Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!"
"Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation."
"And how is you being in this state going to help the Mother Superior with her constipation exactly?!"
"Cos when she sees me like this", Sister Mary replied, "she'll be shittin a brick!"
A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.
He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.
"What are you up to here, son?"
"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's playing a game on her phone."
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
"No, sir. I'm only twenty."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."
My telescope broke the other day and I was hoping the local observatory could repair it
They said they'd look into it.
Someone broke into the local police station and stole the toilet.
Right now the cops have nothing to go on.
Overheard this one from some old guys getting changed at my local gym.
"So I go to the pharmacy and ask the guy if they have any Viagara. The guy there says yes, so I ask if they work and he replies 'you bet'. So next I ask "can I get it over the counter" to which he replies 'if you take two' "
I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.
They're giving away Marshawn l**... jerseys at my local sports shop.
But I think I'll pass
A horse walks into a bar
A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"
The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"
"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse
"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"
Blow-up dolls
I went to my local s**... shop last night to get a new blow-up doll. As I was looking at them the clerk came up to me and asked if I needed help?
I said yes and he asked if I wanted a male or female?
I said a female and he asked blonde or brunette?
I said blonde. Then he asked Muslim or Christian?
I asked what's the difference?
He said the Muslim blows itself up.
David Cameron
Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".
How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?
If she's only wearing one sock.
(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)
Stutter
An old man walks up to a kid waiting at a bus stop. He says to the boy h-how d-d-do I g-get t-to high st-street? The boy looks at him but doesn't answer. The old man asks the boy a second time, and no answer. By this time, another man came by the bus stop, and gave the directions. Knowing the boy as being a local kid, he says to him "why didn't you give that man directions? Your local you know where it is." The boy replied "d-did you t-think I-I w-wanted m-m-my a-a**... k-k-kicked?
A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise
The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.
I grew up in a rough part of town...
The local youths used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.
Today a man came to my door asking for donations for the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
Frustrated p**....
There was this hard working p**... who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart. The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".
An old woman wants to commit s**......
...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.
She goes to the local doctor and asks;
"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"
"Oh, it's just below your left breast."
So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.
A man applies for a job with the local police.
The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"
Two men are golfing at a local golf course
The first man is about to putt when he sees a long f**... procession right near the course. He stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
The second man is in awe. "Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
I organised a day of sponsored bungee jumping for the local disabled group...
Perhaps calling it s**... on elastic' wasn't one of my greatest ideas...
A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.
The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.
I think I want to take up acting...
Does anyone know of a local soccer league I could join?
Ever since I got Pornhub Premium local women in my area haven't been interested in me.
Help what do I do?
A Muslim is about to commit s**... when a Catholic priest stops him
"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest
"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit s**... to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head
"Foolish Muslim, s**... is not the way!" He says
"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."
My local cinema was robbed last night of £754.
The thieves took a bag of maltesers, a pick n mix and a large drink...
I rang a local e**... agency and asked for a BJ....
She put me through to their head office
Exchange rate
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.
My local s**... bank now has a guestbook..
To see who came before you.
I asked a fitness trainer at my local gym what would be the best machine to use in order to impress girls
Apparently it's the ATM machine at my local bank.
I got banned from donating clothes to the local orphanage
Apparently they don't appreciate Batman costumes......
I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day
I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..
A local barber was just arrested for selling drugs. As a long time customer, I was very surprised
I had no idea he was a barber
My wife told me to grow up and stop believing everything I see on the internet
But I don't need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.
Barack and Trump found themselves at a local barbershop. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump reached for the aftershave. Donald was quick to stop him, saying, "No thanks. My wife, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.
A man needs WiFi at the local pub.
A man goes into a local pub and has poor cell signal.
He asks for the WiFi password.
The bartender replies: You need to buy a drink first.
The man says fine and orders a Coke, which costs him $3. He then asks again, what's the WiFi password?
The bartender answers: You need to buy a drink first, all lowercase no spaces.
I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.
Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.
My local barber got arrested for selling c**.... This surprised me, since I have been a customer of him for years now, and i'd never known...
...that he was a barber.
Someone stole hundreds of cans of Red Bull from our local store.
I don't know how they can sleep at night.
A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...
when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?
The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the woman saying, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't throw that far."
A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...
He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about s**....
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
wrong answer
A guy shows up at his local pub with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asks the bartender.
"Oh, this morning my wife asked me where I would like to be buried," says the guy.
"So?" asks the bartender.
And the guy says, "Apparently, 'Balls deep in her sister' wasn't the answer she was expecting."
A priest has a w**... dog which he loves.
One day when he woke up to feed him, the priest didn't find him. So he asked the local residents to come so he can ask about his dog.
He asked them:
"Does anybody have a w**...?"
So all the men stood up,
"No no that's not what I meant, has anyone seen a w**...?"
So all the women stood up
"Oh my god that's not what I meant.... Has anyone seen someone else's w**..."
Half of the women stood up
"For god's sake has someone seen my w**...?"
All the children stood up.
The owner of the local s**... club has a lisp.
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.
My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!
Never knew he was a barber
100 year old on local TV
"So what's your secret, Sir?"
"I once s**... a guy for $ 20"
"No - to your longevity!"
"Oh, fruits and vegetables"
A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he's needs a drink so he goes to a local bar
He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks you ain't from around here are you?
No sir, He says, I'm from Minnesota
What the h**... do you do in Minnesota the bartender asks.
Im a taxidermist! The man replies.
What the h**... is that!? The bartender asks.
The guy says nervously I umm, mount dead animals
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar it's ok fellas, he's one of us!
Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.
All involved were rushed to the ICU
A woman calls her local dairy, telling them she wants to order enough milk to take a milk bath...
You want the milk pasteurized?
No, just up to my t**....
I just bought a dog from a local blacksmith.
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door
A nun is walking to church.
As she passes her local store, the shopkeeper says, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?"
She finds it odd, but keeps walking. On her walk, three more people pass her and say, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?"
Still baffled as she gets to the church, she walks to another nun at the pulpit and asks, "Why does everyone keep asking me if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today?!"
The other nun looks down and says, "You're wearing the priest's shoes"
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
3 farmers.
3 farmers were sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they would do if they won came up.
"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on a cruise." Said the first farmer.
"First thing I would do is buy a fancy sports car. I've always wanted a fast car." said the second farmer.
The third farmer was sitting quietly, fidgeting a little. "Come on, what would you do with your millions?" Asked the other two farmers.
Reluctantly the third farmer answered "I reckon I would just go on farming like I have been until the money runs out"
