Comedy Local Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a p**... in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber p**... here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo
When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.
I was touched.
Apparently as a 4-year old, h**... was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
I read in the local paper someone was going around pickpocketing midgets.
I never thought someone could stoop so low.
The toilet at my local Police Station has been stolen.
Cops have nothing to go on
A cowboy takes a break from the range and heads out to LA for a cowboy convention . . .
When he gets to LA, he decides to stop at a local watering hole and grab a beer. He's sitting there in his hat, jeans, and boots, when a woman walks up and sits down beside him.
Woman: Are you a cowboy?
Cowboy: Well yes ma'am, I am.
Woman: Like a real deal cowboy?
Cowboy: I don't know any other kind.
Woman: I've never met a real cowboy before.
Cowboy: Well now you have.
Woman: Well?
Cowboy: Well what?
Woman: Aren't you going to ask what I am?
Cowboy: Well, uh, what are you?
Woman: I'm a lesbian.
Cowboy: A lesb- . . . I don't believe I know what that is.
Woman: It means that I like women. I like to kiss them and touch them and make love to them.
Cowboy: . . . .
The woman gets up and leaves and another woman comes into the bar. She spots the cowboy sitting there with his beer and takes a seat beside him.
Woman: Are you a cowboy?
Cowboy: Well ma'am, I thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
harharhar.
What happened?
A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.
I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day...
...The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.
You can explore local residents reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean local council dad jokes. There are also local puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The Irishman's parking space
An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.
He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."
Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."
A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.
He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.
"What are you up to here, son?"
"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's playing a game on her phone."
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
"No, sir. I'm only twenty."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."
My telescope broke the other day and I was hoping the local observatory could repair it
They said they'd look into it.
My Local Pizza Place Just Folded
Now they serve Calzones.
A horse walks into a bar
A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"
The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"
"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse
"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"
A hole appeared in the wall around the local nudist colony.
Police are looking into it.
How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?
If she's only wearing one sock.
(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)
A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise
The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.
An old woman wants to commit s**......
...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.
She goes to the local doctor and asks;
"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"
"Oh, it's just below your left breast."
So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.
Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?
...because its not a Target.
A man applies for a job with the local police.
The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"
Two men are golfing at a local golf course
The first man is about to putt when he sees a long f**... procession right near the course. He stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
The second man is in awe. "Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.
The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.
A group of teenagers robbed our local supermarket and stole 180 cans of red bull.
I don't know how these people can sleep at night.
Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.
I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.
A Muslim is about to commit s**... when a Catholic priest stops him
"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest
"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit s**... to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head
"Foolish Muslim, s**... is not the way!" He says
"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."
Exchange rate
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.
My local s**... bank now has a guestbook..
To see who came before you.
I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day
I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..
Barack and Trump found themselves at a local barbershop. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump reached for the aftershave. Donald was quick to stop him, saying, "No thanks. My wife, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.
A man needs WiFi at the local pub.
A man goes into a local pub and has poor cell signal.
He asks for the WiFi password.
The bartender replies: You need to buy a drink first.
The man says fine and orders a Coke, which costs him $3. He then asks again, what's the WiFi password?
The bartender answers: You need to buy a drink first, all lowercase no spaces.
Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were:
"I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"
I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.
Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.
My local barber got arrested for selling c**.... This surprised me, since I have been a customer of him for years now, and i'd never known...
...that he was a barber.
A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...
He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about s**....
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
The owner of the local s**... club has a lisp.
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.
My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!
Never knew he was a barber
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.
Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.
All involved were rushed to the ICU
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest
The man enters the bank.
Man: I'm here to find out about the mortgage
Employee: I don't really care.
I had no freaking idea!
I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 years, and I had no idea that he was a mechanic!
My local gas station started charging money just to put air in your tires
When I commented that this had been free for decades, the attendant just looked at me and said "that's inflation for you".
After failing maths, Jared's parents decide to move him from the local public school to a nearby Catholic school
Within a few months, he is passing with flying colours. His parents ask him the reason behind his sudden improvement. "Was it the strict nuns, the rigour of class, the example of other students? Jared shook his head. "Well what was it then"? Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business".
A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.
"What'll ya have?" he asks.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.
So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.
His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.
"Yuck! It tastes awful, worse than awful!" she splutters. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go!" cries the husband. "And you think I am out enjoying myself every night!"
How I lost my Teeth
I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this b**... ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said how about giving me your number handsome
I looked at her and asked Do you have a pen sure! She said.
So I said, Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing!
My dental surgery is this Friday!.
A new law
Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week," one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well it's not a law really," the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate."
Our local auctioneer has passed away.
He was somewhere around 30? 35? 35? 40.
Fire broke out at a local m**... farm, and the smoke began to drift to a nearby cattle ranch.
The steaks were high
All of the local atheists decided to organize
They became a non-prophet organization
Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs
I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas
How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum
A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"
"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
"I see," says the politician, "and if he's got any sense he'll choose the bucket."
"No," says the director, "If he's got any sense he'll pull the plug out. Would you like a room with a view?"
I think my local garage is ripping me off...
does anyone else think £500 for a Tesla exhaust is a lot?
I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction : A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage.
I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."
I asked what happens when they do.
"We get another sheep."
I walked past a boy sitting on the steps of the local YMCA s**... a large, white feather.
I said "Young man, there's no need to feel down"
I just bought my local MP a get better soon card.
He's not sick. I just think he can do better.
TIL that Charles Dickens first published A Tale of Two Cities in two English local newspapers:
.
.
.
.
.
It was the Bicester Times. It was the Worcester Times.
I was really looking forward to interviewing a local child psychologist, until I did.
Turns out they were a full grown adult!
Breaking News: Local man hit his wife with a power cell which had its top and bottom coated in electrolytes
He has been arrested for a salt-end battery.
An expectant father wants to call the local hospital to ask about his wife, who's in labour...
But in his haste, he accidentally calls the local cricket ground instead.
He asks about the situation, and the shock almost kills him.
"All is well, we've already got 3 out, there's another 7 to go, and we're hoping to be finished by lunchtime. Last one out was a duck."
(This one will make more sense to English readers, but enjoy it anyway!)
Our local fish market ranks their catches on how rare they are
I noticed today that they had rare salmon. It definitely isn't common plaice!
What happens when you find a bomb at your local bazaar?
It becomes a flee market.
Two lawn workers were taking a break in the yard
From down the block they heard a familiar mournful tune coming from the local church.
"Guess there's a f**... in town today," one man said. "Wonder who died?"
The second man said "I'm not sure but usually it's the one in the coffin."
Cop joke.
So I'm an ER RN and we love to joke around. Had two cops in with a patient. I deadpanned I heard there's been ppl stealing tires off (local) cop cars…. The one cop says I haven't heard anything about this .
So… I said I've heard the police are tirelessly investigating it.
First cop high fives me. I say dad joke! Second cop pouts.
Lol.
