Loaf Jokes

Following is our collection of panera humor and bakeries one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Loaf puns for adults, dirty loaves jokes or clean bagels gags for kids.

There is an abundance of bready jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 79 funniest jokes on loaf. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any meatloaf witze you can hear about loaf.

The Best jokes about Loaf

A programmer

goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:

-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.

He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.

-- But why?, she asks.

-- They had eggs.

A wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread...

On his way out she says "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread....

"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,

"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."

"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."

A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,

"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,

"Because they had eggs."

A programmer's wife

A programmer's wife says: "go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with 12 loaves of bread.


Where is the most conflict in a loaf of bread?

The middle yeast

What do you call a gay loaf of bread?

A faguette

^^^^I ^^^^just ^^^^made ^^^^this ^^^^up ^^^^and ^^^^I'm ^^^^so ^^^^proud

A Software Programmer is going to the store.....

His wife says "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The guy comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
His wife says "why did you get so much bread?"
He says, "they had eggs.

Zoo...

I went to the zoo and saw a loaf in a cage.

A sign read: "Bread in captivity."

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She asked

I said "£18.97"

A programmer heads to the shops

His wife says "grab a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get a dozen"

He comes home with twelve loaves of bread.


Little Johnny and father Joseph

ittle Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.

Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."

"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"

Hitler captures 5 Jews

In a concentration camp Hitler catches 5 Jews and asks the first one :


~ How many meters high can you jump?


~ 1 meter, he answered as he was trembling.
Hitler gives him one loaf of bread and asks the same question to the second Jew.


~ 2 meters...replies the second Jew.
Hitler gives two loaves of bread and asks the same question to the third Jew.


~ 3 meters! responds quickly the third Jew.
Hitler draws his gun and blows his minds in air. Now the Jews concerned ask him:


~ Well, why you killed him?
And Hitler replies:


~ He can jump over the fence!

Little Johnny coming home from the store

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a goodopportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

A programmers wife tells him...

A programmers wife tells him: Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.


The programmer comes back with 12 loaves of bread...

A German is in the supermarket when he passes by a loaf of bread and greets it

It had a gluten tag.

When I was a kid -

My mum used to send me to the corner shop of our street with a ten-bob note, and for that I'd bring back 6 eggs, 2 bottles of milk, a loaf of bread, 5lb of potatoes and a packet of sweets for me. Trouble is, you can't do that today.....

Too many cameras.

Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY

I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.

I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.

When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of me put down some condoms

I then proceeded to put the ketchup directly behind the condoms

The man then looked at the condoms and ketchup and turned to look me in the eye

Then (I think it was just instinct) i said 'I see we both have something to put on our sausages

I laughed, he laughed, the cash lady laughed and the three women behind me laughed it was one of the greatest moments of my life!

I don't hate bread

I loaf it 🍞


What do you call an extremely flamboyant loaf of bread?

A faggette

What did one loaf of bread say to the other?

Weirdo.

Guy walks into a bakery and sees a green loaf of bread and asks the baker how he made it

Baker says "Avocadough"

When I was your age, my mom sent me to the store with a quarter and I came back with a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, and a newspaper.

But you can't do that anymore because there's too many surveillance cameras.

Subway

A restaurant that managed to convince everyone that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.

What's the Indian way of saying 'Bread of Heaven'?

Is it:

A) Holy Loaf

B) Sacred Baguette

Or C) Naan of the above

A wife asks her newfie husband to stop by the grocery store on the way home...

She tells him, "pick up a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen"

He comes home later with 12 loaves of bread

A programmer...

A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store with the instructions, get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen. He comes home with a dozen loaf of bread and tells her, they had eggs.

Courtesy of an 8 year old: A man goes to the supermarket

A man goes to the supermarket and puts a miniature milk bottle into his cart. Next he grabs a miniature loaf of bread and one miniature apple. At check out the cute cashier takes his miniature groceries and scans them one by one. Between the *beeps* she takes a good look at him and finally asks.

Cashier: Are you single?

Man: Yes I am, how did you know? Was it because of the miniature groceries?

Cashier: No, it's because you are ugly.

You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread

Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.

An old man Goes Into a Bakery...

The girl behind the counter is wearing a very short skirt. A customer orders raisin bread, which means she has to grab a little step ladder and grab the loaf off the highest shelf. As she's going up the ladder, all the guys in the store realize they can now see up her skirt. So they all line up and start ordering raisin bread. This poor girl is running up and down the ladder over and over, and finally she gets to serve the old man. "Is yours a raisin too?" she asks, exasperated. "No," he says, with a wink"but its a wigglin'"

A programmer's wife tells him to buy a loaf of bread, she also said that if there are eggs, get a dozen

The programmer returns home with 12 loaves of bread.

I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'

He replied: 'It's pure bread.'

Miracle?

They say Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.

Subway

The company that managed to convince people that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.

A programmers wife tells him...

"Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

He returns with 12 loaves of bread.



@SciencePorn tweeted this, I saw it there, don't know the original source.

New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered...

They're bread.

Gotta love Russia

A man decides to go and settle down in Russia. Once there, however, he realizes that the country is in terrible shape: Disease everywhere, people going hungry, no electricity, everything is in shambles. He goes to buy a loaf of bread, but sees the a huge line in front of the store. After waiting in line for nearly 5 hours, he can't take it anymore.

"THAT'S IT!" He screams. "I am going to kill Putin, he is responsible for this, enough is enough" and he runs out of the line to find Putin.

After a few minutes, he quietly returns back to the line. The guy behind him asks "Hey, I thought you went to kill Putin, what happened?"

The man replies "That line was even longer"

A programmer's wife...

...says to her husband that she wants him to go to the grocery store. She says "I need you to get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer later returns with twelve loaves of bread.

This is my favorite sub.

Meatball with marinara, provolone, and parmesan on an Italian loaf.

I thought they'd named a loaf of bread after one of
my exes

then I realised it said Thick Cut

What do you call it when a German hits you with a loaf of bread?

Gluten Tag

And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread?

Flour power

And when a lot of people do it at the same time?

a rye-ot

Why did the loaf of bread lack manners?

It wasn't raised right!

I have a litter of Pomeranian puppies specifically nurtured to look like a French loaf, 500$ per pupper

Please don't ask me to go lower on the price, they are *pure bread*

A Woman sends her husband - a software developer - out for groceries.

She says to him: "We don't need a lot. Please get us a loaf of bread; and if they have free-range eggs please bring six."

The husband returns with nothing but six loaves of bread: "They had free-range eggs."

I've heard one beer = 7 slices of bread

I ate a whole loaf and I'm not drunk yet.
Did I do it wrong?

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.

Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

I found a French guy stuck in a giant loaf of bread.

He told me he was in a lot of pain.

Two young boys went to a bread store...

Two young boys went to a bread store. One boy asks the pretty clerk if he could get some raisin bread, she climbs up a ladder to grab the boy a loaf of raisin bread. While she's up on the ladder, the boy notices that the clerk wasn't wearing underwear. The boy whispers and points this out to the other boy. While up on the ladder the clerk asks the other boy if his is raisin too. To which he says, No Ma'am, mine's just quivering.

I said to the wife, I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today...

...but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' ".

What do you call a loaf of grumpy bread?

Sourdough!

The programmers shopping list

The programmer's wife sent him to the grocery store.

"Hun, I need you to buy a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, buy a dozen.." she says.

Programmer comes home with 12 loafs of bread.

my girlfriend told my to throw my Meat loaf CDs out

I would do anything for love but I won't do that

What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf?

He's inbread.

A programmer and his wife...

A programmers wife asks him to go to the shop and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.

The programmer returns with one loaf of bread and twelve eggs because programmers don't act like computers unlike some others on this sub.

Did you hear about the man who stole some bread

Yeah he Pinched a Loaf!

Two Australians are fighting over the last loaf of bread at the supermarket

They're both holding on to the loaf when one of them says:



It's stale mate.

hitlers loaves

Hitler walked up to one boy, he asked the boy,"how high can you jump?" The boy replied one meter. Hitler gave the boy one loaf of bread. Hitler walked up to the second boy and asked,"how high can you jump?" The boy replied 2 meters. Hitler then gave him two loaves of bread, Hitler finally walked up to the third boy, who saw what happened before and realized the pattern, Hitler asked him the golden question,"how high can you jump?" The boy excitedly replies with 10 meters. Hitler then pulled out a gun and shot him dead.

Hitler's eyes then looked at his soldiers and said," Dear god, he could've jumped the fence!"

I went to the Zoo the other day

and there was a loaf of Hovis in the Lion enclosure - so I went up to the zookeeper and said "What's that doing in there?"

and he said "That? That's bread in captivity"

After her husband went to jail, a woman called the judge.

..."Why is my husband in jail?" she asked.

"Because he stole a loaf of bread." replied the judge.

"Will he get out of jail soon?"

"Why, do you miss him?"

"No, he drinks, he screams at me, he hits the children, he gambles. He is a terrible husband."

"Then why do you want him back?" questioned the judge.

"We need more bread."

Buying bread.

There's this guy who goes and buys a loaf of bread right? And at the shop the employee asks the guy if he wants a bag or not.
The guy thinks a little while...and then says yes please, baguette.

What do you call it when you put you foot in a loaf of bread

Loafers

Why did the man with celiac disease eat a loaf of bread?...

He was a gluten for punishment

Sorry if this offends anyone with gluten issues. Our son can't have gluten right now, so this joke came to me while I was toasting him some gluten-free bread.

What happens when you bang a loaf of bread

It crumbs

What is the most violent part of a loaf of bread?

The middle yeast

What's another name for a loaf of pickle bread?

Dilldough!

What did the depressed loaf say to his psychiatrist?

"I don't know if I can keep on living, doc...I'm bread inside"

A Frenchman is buying a bread stick and the cashier asks..

"are you okay carrying this loaf?

to which he replies

baguette .

My wife told me,"run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

I came home with 12 loaves of bread.

What's the difference between a loaf of bread and the United States of America?

If you leave a loaf of bread alone for 241 years, it can actually develop a culture.

What's the laziest food?

Bread. It likes to "loaf" around.

Why did the plane crash?

Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

(my wife tells this joke to everyone and no one but me has ever laughed)

My goodness, said the grain of wheat as she awoke and found herself in a loaf of bread...

I've been reaped.

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

Got hit by a loaf of bread today.

The cops arrested the guy for assault with a breadly weapon

Where does Mr. Loaf sleep?

In his Bread! XD

What do you call a witty loaf of bread?

Pun

Someone just stole my lemon loaf....

Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake

Why did the plane crash?

The pilot was a loaf of bread... But how did the plane take off?
Yeast Rises

Everyone was telling me to stop making bread jokes

But i could tell they were having a loaf

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes