She tells him:
I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.
The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.
The wife asks:
Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?
To which the husband replies:
They had eggs.
goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:
-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.
He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.
-- But why?, she asks.
-- They had eggs.
On his way out she says "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread....
"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."
She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,
"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,
"Because they had eggs."
A programmer's wife says: "go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with 12 loaves of bread.
She says 'buy a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, buy a dozen."
He comes home with 12 loaves of bread
The middle yeast
A faguette
^^^^I ^^^^just ^^^^made ^^^^this ^^^^up ^^^^and ^^^^I'm ^^^^so ^^^^proud
His wife says "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The guy comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
His wife says "why did you get so much bread?"
He says, "they had eggs.
On his way out she adds, "and if they have eggs, get a dozen".
He returns home with 12 loaves of bread.
I went to the zoo and saw a loaf in a cage.
A sign read: "Bread in captivity."
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"
His wife says "grab a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get a dozen"
He comes home with twelve loaves of bread.
ittle Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.
Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.
Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."
"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"
In a concentration camp Hitler catches 5 Jews and asks the first one :
~ How many meters high can you jump?
~ 1 meter, he answered as he was trembling.
Hitler gives him one loaf of bread and asks the same question to the second Jew.
~ 2 meters...replies the second Jew.
Hitler gives two loaves of bread and asks the same question to the third Jew.
~ 3 meters! responds quickly the third Jew.
Hitler draws his gun and blows his minds in air. Now the Jews concerned ask him:
~ Well, why you killed him?
And Hitler replies:
~ He can jump over the fence!
Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a goodopportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."
A programmers wife tells him: Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.
The programmer comes back with 12 loaves of bread...
It had a gluten tag.
My mum used to send me to the corner shop of our street with a ten-bob note, and for that I'd bring back 6 eggs, 2 bottles of milk, a loaf of bread, 5lb of potatoes and a packet of sweets for me. Trouble is, you can't do that today.....
Too many cameras.
THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY
I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.
I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.
When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of me put down some condoms
I then proceeded to put the ketchup directly behind the condoms
The man then looked at the condoms and ketchup and turned to look me in the eye
Then (I think it was just instinct) i said 'I see we both have something to put on our sausages
I laughed, he laughed, the cash lady laughed and the three women behind me laughed it was one of the greatest moments of my life!
I loaf it 🍞
A faggette
Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Weirdo.
Baker says "Avocadough"
Jesus took a loaf of bread and said, "Take this, and eat it, for this is my body."
Next, Jesus took a cup of wine. He said, "Take this and drink it. For this is my blood."
Finally, Jesus graciously lifted a jug of milk and said, "This is my--"
"You can go fuck yourself." said Peter.
But you can't do that anymore because there's too many surveillance cameras.
A restaurant that managed to convince everyone that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.
Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.
Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.
Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."
"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"
Is it:
A) Holy Loaf
B) Sacred Baguette
Or C) Naan of the above
She said "go to the store and get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs get a dozen"
He came back with a loaf of bread and a dozen eggs because he's not a retard and can recognize what she means.
Everyone touches you but nobody wants you.
She tells him, "pick up a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen"
He comes home later with 12 loaves of bread
A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store with the instructions, get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen. He comes home with a dozen loaf of bread and tells her, they had eggs.
A man goes to the supermarket and puts a miniature milk bottle into his cart. Next he grabs a miniature loaf of bread and one miniature apple. At check out the cute cashier takes his miniature groceries and scans them one by one. Between the *beeps* she takes a good look at him and finally asks.
Cashier: Are you single?
Man: Yes I am, how did you know? Was it because of the miniature groceries?
Cashier: No, it's because you are ugly.
Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.
The girl behind the counter is wearing a very short skirt. A customer orders raisin bread, which means she has to grab a little step ladder and grab the loaf off the highest shelf. As she's going up the ladder, all the guys in the store realize they can now see up her skirt. So they all line up and start ordering raisin bread. This poor girl is running up and down the ladder over and over, and finally she gets to serve the old man. "Is yours a raisin too?" she asks, exasperated. "No," he says, with a wink"but its a wigglin'"
The programmer returns home with 12 loaves of bread.
He replied: 'It's pure bread.'
They say Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
She walks down the first aisle and buys a single pint of milk.
She walks down the next aisle and picks up a little half loaf of bread.
She goes to the next aisle and chooses a ready-made shepherds pie for one and takes her shopping to the checkout.
The cashier starts to scan her items and says, 'Let me guess, you're single?'
The lady chuckles, slightly embarrassed. 'Why yes, however could you tell?' she asks.
'Because you're fucking ugly.'
The company that managed to convince people that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.
My girlfriend recently told me it makes her super horny when someone makes references to Meat Loaf songs. I told her I loved her, and that I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.
She picks up
1 loaf of bread,
1 carton of eggs,
1/2 gallon of milk,
and a copy of Us Weekly
she proceeds the cashier.
He says "Oh, you must be single".
"Yes" She said shyly "How could you tell?"
" Because you're fucking ugly" he says
"Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with 12 loaves of bread.
@SciencePorn tweeted this, I saw it there, don't know the original source.
...says to her husband that she wants him to go to the grocery store. She says "I need you to get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer later returns with twelve loaves of bread.
They're bread.
A man decides to go and settle down in Russia. Once there, however, he realizes that the country is in terrible shape: Disease everywhere, people going hungry, no electricity, everything is in shambles. He goes to buy a loaf of bread, but sees the a huge line in front of the store. After waiting in line for nearly 5 hours, he can't take it anymore.
"THAT'S IT!" He screams. "I am going to kill Putin, he is responsible for this, enough is enough" and he runs out of the line to find Putin.
After a few minutes, he quietly returns back to the line. The guy behind him asks "Hey, I thought you went to kill Putin, what happened?"
The man replies "That line was even longer"
Meatball with marinara, provolone, and parmesan on an Italian loaf.
then I realised it said Thick Cut
It wasn't raised right!
Gluten Tag
And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread?
Flour power
And when a lot of people do it at the same time?
a rye-ot
"Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Please don't ask me to go lower on the price, they are *pure bread*
She says to him: "We don't need a lot. Please get us a loaf of bread; and if they have free-range eggs please bring six."
The husband returns with nothing but six loaves of bread: "They had free-range eggs."
I eat the butt first.
I ate a whole loaf and I'm not drunk yet.
Did I do it wrong?
...but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' ".
He told me he was in a lot of pain.
Two young boys went to a bread store. One boy asks the pretty clerk if he could get some raisin bread, she climbs up a ladder to grab the boy a loaf of raisin bread. While she's up on the ladder, the boy notices that the clerk wasn't wearing underwear. The boy whispers and points this out to the other boy. While up on the ladder the clerk asks the other boy if his is raisin too. To which he says, No Ma'am, mine's just quivering.
A pain in the ass.
Sourdough!
Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
The programmer's wife sent him to the grocery store.
"Hun, I need you to buy a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, buy a dozen.." she says.
Programmer comes home with 12 loafs of bread.
and places down on the conveyor belt half a loaf of bread, half a dozen eggs, a small bottle of milk & a box of condoms. The cashier looks at his groceries, then looks back up at the man. "You must be single" she says. He replies back "How can you tell?" To which she replies "Cos you're fucking ugly"
A programmers wife asks him to go to the shop and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.
The programmer returns with one loaf of bread and twelve eggs because programmers don't act like computers unlike some others on this sub.
He's inbread.
Yeah he Pinched a Loaf!
They're both holding on to the loaf when one of them says:
It's stale mate.
Hitler walked up to one boy, he asked the boy,"how high can you jump?" The boy replied one meter. Hitler gave the boy one loaf of bread. Hitler walked up to the second boy and asked,"how high can you jump?" The boy replied 2 meters. Hitler then gave him two loaves of bread, Hitler finally walked up to the third boy, who saw what happened before and realized the pattern, Hitler asked him the golden question,"how high can you jump?" The boy excitedly replies with 10 meters. Hitler then pulled out a gun and shot him dead.
Hitler's eyes then looked at his soldiers and said," Dear god, he could've jumped the fence!"
and there was a loaf of Hovis in the Lion enclosure - so I went up to the zookeeper and said "What's that doing in there?"
and he said "That? That's bread in captivity"
He was a gluten for punishment
Sorry if this offends anyone with gluten issues. Our son can't have gluten right now, so this joke came to me while I was toasting him some gluten-free bread.
It crumbs
Loafers
..."Why is my husband in jail?" she asked.
"Because he stole a loaf of bread." replied the judge.
"Will he get out of jail soon?"
"Why, do you miss him?"
"No, he drinks, he screams at me, he hits the children, he gambles. He is a terrible husband."
"Then why do you want him back?" questioned the judge.
"We need more bread."
There's this guy who goes and buys a loaf of bread right? And at the shop the employee asks the guy if he wants a bag or not.
The guy thinks a little while...and then says yes please, baguette.
If you leave a loaf of bread alone for 241 years, it can actually develop a culture.
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Loaf? Well, here are the best Loaf puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Loaf pick up lines to share with friends.