Loaf Bread Jokes
105 loaf bread jokes and hilarious loaf bread puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about loaf bread that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Loaf Bread Short Jokes
Short loaf bread jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The loaf bread humour may include short loaf of bread jokes also.
- I've lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head. It's a new loaf hat diet I'm trying.
- What do you call a gay loaf of bread? A faguette
^^^^I ^^^^just ^^^^made ^^^^this ^^^^up ^^^^and ^^^^I'm ^^^^so ^^^^proud - What did bob marley say when he put his hand in the bread bin? Is this loaf that I'm feeling?
- Guy walks into a bakery and sees a green loaf of bread and asks the baker how he made it Baker says "Avocadough"
- What's the Indian way of saying 'Bread of Heaven'? Is it:
A) Holy Loaf
B) Sacred baguette
Or C) Naan of the above - Subway A restaurant that managed to convince everyone that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.
- You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.
- a caring mother makes her son loafs of bread shaped like batman, to make his sandwiches fun every time. guess what happens when it's in the oven? the dark knight rises.
- Miracle? They say Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
- I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?' He replied: 'It's pure bread.'
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Loaf Bread One Liners
Which loaf bread one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with loaf bread? I can suggest the ones about loaf and baking bread.
- Why did the man get sick after eating a loaf of bread? He overdoughsed.
- Where is the most conflict in a loaf of bread? The middle yeast
- I just bought a knife that can cut 8 pieces of bread at once. It's a four loaf cleaver.
- I don't hate bread I loaf it 🍞
- When bread gets depressed what is the most common symptom? Self-loafing.
- New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread.
- Why did the loaf of bread lack manners? It wasn't raised right!
- I found a French guy stuck in a giant loaf of bread. He told me he was in a lot of pain.
- Why did the bread talk down about itself? It was self-loafing
- What do you call a loaf of grumpy bread? Sourdough!
- A loaf of bread made an enemy of me. Now it's toast
- Did you hear about the man who stole some bread Yeah he Pinched a Loaf!
- Why did the bread machine go to see a therapist? It was too self-loafing.
- I made bread last night, and I have been loafing around ever since.
- What do you call it when you put you foot in a loaf of bread Loafers
The Funniest Loaf Bread Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about loaf bread you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bread dough jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make loaf bread pranks.
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, “Because you’re ugly.”
I said to the wife, I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today...
...but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' ".
I thought they'd named a loaf of bread after one of
my exes
then I realised it said Thick Cut
ITT: Your best (or worst) puns.
See all those crows flying over that woman with that loaf of bread?
She's going to get murdered.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the plane c**...?
The pilot was a loaf of bread... But how did the plane take off?
Yeast Rises
Raisin Bread
A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "Is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man: "but it's quivering a bit!"
I heard there's a new Bread simulator game on Steam..
It's a great game if you're just loafing around.
A programmers wife tells him...
"Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with 12 loaves of bread.
@SciencePorn tweeted this, I saw it there, don't know the original source.
A Woman sends her husband - a software developer - out for groceries.
She says to him: "We don't need a lot. Please get us a loaf of bread; and if they have free-range eggs please bring six."
The husband returns with nothing but six loaves of bread: "They had free-range eggs."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the plane c**...?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.
(my wife tells this joke to everyone and no one but me has ever laughed)
A wife asks her newfie husband to stop by the grocery store on the way home...
She tells him, "pick up a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen"
He comes home later with 12 loaves of bread
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Being a p**... is like being the heel piece of a loaf of bread.
Everyone touches you, but no one really wants you.
What do you call it when a German hits you with a loaf of bread?
Gluten Tag
And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread?
Flour power
And when a lot of people do it at the same time?
a rye-ot
When I was your age, my mom sent me to the store with a quarter and I came back with a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, and a newspaper.
But you can't do that anymore because there's too many surveillance cameras.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did one loaf of bread say to the other?
w**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw Dolly Parton at the grocery store.
She had a loaf of bread and two j**... of milk.
A Frenchman is buying a bread stick and the cashier asks..
"are you okay carrying this loaf?
to which he replies
baguette .
What's the laziest food?
Bread. It likes to "loaf" around.
I went to the Zoo the other day
and there was a loaf of Hovis in the Lion enclosure - so I went up to the zookeeper and said "What's that doing in there?"
and he said "That? That's bread in captivity"
How Jesus managed to give out enough fish and bread to so many people.
Take the fish and the loaf of bread. Cut the ends off. It becomes endless.
My wife told me,"run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
I came home with 12 loaves of bread.
Got hit by a loaf of bread today.
The cops arrested the guy for assault with a breadly weapon
What did the depressed loaf say to his psychiatrist?
"I don't know if I can keep on living, doc...I'm bread inside"
Got fired from the bread factory last week
Now I am out of dough and I just spend my time loafing around. Tough times, no matter how you slice it.
My goodness, said the grain of wheat as she awoke and found herself in a loaf of bread...
I've been reaped.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you get a bunch n**... people to chase your car?
Tape a loaf of bread to the back of your car and drive in Ethiopia.
I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day
It wasn't until I looked closer and realised it said Thick cut
Why didn't the loaf of bread help on the group project?
He felt like he wasn't *kneaded*!
I've heard one beer = 7 slices of bread
I ate a whole loaf and I'm not drunk yet.
Did I do it wrong?
What do you call a witty loaf of bread?
Pun
Two young boys went to a bread store...
Two young boys went to a bread store. One boy asks the pretty clerk if he could get some raisin bread, she climbs up a ladder to grab the boy a loaf of raisin bread. While she's up on the ladder, the boy notices that the clerk wasn't wearing underwear. The boy whispers and points this out to the other boy. While up on the ladder the clerk asks the other boy if his is raisin too. To which he says, No Ma'am, mine's just quivering.
"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,
"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."
Where does Mr. Loaf sleep?
In his Bread! XD
I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread...
Upon closer inspection I realised it said, "Thick cut"
Adult grain: what do you want to be when you grow up?
Young grain: BEER!
AG: Ok, but remember to keep your feet on the ground
*years later*
Loaf of bread: I had dreams you know...
Did you hear about the new movie in which a beautiful girl falls in love with a loaf of bread?
Its called "Beauty and the Yeast"
What happens when you bang a loaf of bread
It crumbs
After her husband went to jail, a woman called the judge.
..."Why is my husband in jail?" she asked.
"Because he stole a loaf of bread." replied the judge.
"Will he get out of jail soon?"
"Why, do you miss him?"
"No, he drinks, he screams at me, he hits the children, he gambles. He is a terrible husband."
"Then why do you want him back?" questioned the judge.
"We need more bread."
Little Johnny coming home from the store
Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a goodopportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."
What so you call a loaf that has fallen down a shaft full of water?
Well bread.
Everyone was telling me to stop making bread jokes
But i could tell they were having a loaf
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was a kid, my dad would give me $5 and tell me to get groceries. I would come back with 2 j**... of milk, 2 dozen eggs, 1lb cheeze, 1lb Hamburger, 2 loafs of bread, and a half pound of butter.
But now a-days security has gotten better you just can't steal that much anymore.
I have a litter of Pomeranian puppies specifically nurtured to look like a French loaf, 500$ per pupper
Please don't ask me to go lower on the price, they are *pure bread*
Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"
My dog ate a loaf and a half of bread off the counter.
She's pure bread.
I'm in despair
Sorry— I'm in The Spar. Forgot my reading glasses. Just popped in for a loaf of bread.
The scene kid cut open the undercooked loaf of bread.
It's rawr XD
Why did the loaf of bread ask the potato, "What is the meaning of life?"
Because they are complex carbohydrates.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Give a man a loaf of bread and he'll eat for a week
Give that same man a fishing pole and he'll die of internal bleeding.
A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."
The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman goes to the store
She buys a cucumber, Greek yogurt, a gallon of milk, 2L Fanta, a loaf of bread, 6 pack of miller lites, can of olives and raisins. She then walks up to the counter places the items in front of the cash register. The cashier looks at the items, looks at her and then back at the items and says "I know you're single". The woman is surprised and laughs "That's crazy! How can you tell just based on my items?!". The cashier replies, "its cause you're ugly"
While at the bakery, I couldn't figure out why this one loaf of bread was so much more expensive than the others...
...I asked the baker and he said, "Because that one is pure bread."
I went to a comedy bakery the other day...
The baker didn't loaf at his own jokes.
It was a bread pan delivery.
At my first job as an apprentice baker...
...my boss was constantly rushing me, and I thought it negatively affected the quality of the bread we were putting on the shelves. I always suspected that if we just had a little bit of time between shaping the dough and putting it into the oven, the resulting loaf would be so much better.
But I could never prove it.
A Tragic Story...
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a bushel of grains that could have become whiskey, but didn't.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A french man and his wife go shopping in America
As they are walking down the aisles, she is placing items in bags for them to buy. He is mindlessly walking behind her while she does so, he is missing the simple pleasures of France.
She stops and looks at her husband and holds up a loaf of bread. "Honey, do we need bread? Should I put it in a bag?"
The man looks at his wife and squints his eyes at her.
"Bag-uette." ("Bag it")
(Made this joke one day while in the shower, friends don't find it as absolutely hilarious as I do, let me know if this joke is the best or if I am just s**....)
Apparently I execute commands badly....
Wife sent me to the supermarket with a simple request:
#
Go to the supermarket and buy a loaf of bread
#
If they have eggs get a dozen.
#
Came home with 12 loafs of bread,
#
Still don't get why she's mad?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia
When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:
"d**... this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"
A policeman hears that and approaches the man.
"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form a gun, points it toward the man and says "Bang!"
The man is stunned and walks home.
The wife sees that the man is shocked and asks:
"What happened? Did we run out of flour again?"
The man weakly replies:
"Not only that, it appears that we also ran out of bullets!"
A man moves to a new house
For the first three days on the way to work he sees a woman hitting her son with a loaf of bread
On the fourth day, she's hitting him with a cake
He asks what is going on
The woman replies, well, it is his birthday!
A man with Celiac disease willingly ate an entire loaf of bread.
He was a gluten for punishment.