Loaf Bread Jokes
105 loaf bread jokes and hilarious loaf bread puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about loaf bread that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Loaf Bread Short Jokes
Short loaf bread jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The loaf bread humour may include short loaf of bread jokes also.
- I've lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head. It's a new loaf hat diet I'm trying.
- A programmer's wife A programmer's wife says: "go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with 12 loaves of bread. - What do you call a gay loaf of bread? A faguette
^^^^I ^^^^just ^^^^made ^^^^this ^^^^up ^^^^and ^^^^I'm ^^^^so ^^^^proud - A programmer heads to the shops His wife says "grab a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get a dozen"
He comes home with twelve loaves of bread. - A programmers wife tells him... A programmers wife tells him: Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.
The programmer comes back with 12 loaves of bread... - A German is in the supermarket when he passes by a loaf of bread and greets it It had a gluten tag.
- What did bob marley say when he put his hand in the bread bin? Is this loaf that I'm feeling?
- Guy walks into a bakery and sees a green loaf of bread and asks the baker how he made it Baker says "Avocadough"
- What's the Indian way of saying 'Bread of Heaven'? Is it:
A) Holy Loaf
B) Sacred baguette
Or C) Naan of the above - Subway A restaurant that managed to convince everyone that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.
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Loaf Bread One Liners
Which loaf bread one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with loaf bread? I can suggest the ones about loaf and baking bread.
- Why did the man get sick after eating a loaf of bread? He overdoughsed.
- Where is the most conflict in a loaf of bread? The middle yeast
- I just bought a knife that can cut 8 pieces of bread at once. It's a four loaf cleaver.
- Zoo... I went to the zoo and saw a loaf in a cage.
A sign read: "Bread in captivity." - I recently lost lots of weight by placing bread on my head. The loaf hat diet
- I don't hate bread I loaf it 🍞
- What do you call an extremely flamboyant loaf of bread? A faggette
- You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head. It's a loaf-hat-diet.
- When bread gets depressed what is the most common symptom? Self-loafing.
- New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered... They're bread.
- Why did the loaf of bread lack manners? It wasn't raised right!
- I found a French guy stuck in a giant loaf of bread. He told me he was in a lot of pain.
- Why did the bread talk down about itself? It was self-loafing
- What do you call a loaf of grumpy bread? Sourdough!
- A loaf of bread made an enemy of me. Now it's toast
The Funniest Loaf Bread Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about loaf bread you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bread dough jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make loaf bread pranks.
I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'
He replied: 'It's pure bread.'
I said to the wife, I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today...
...but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' ".
I thought they'd named a loaf of bread after one of
my exes
then I realised it said Thick Cut
A programmer
goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:
-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.
He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.
-- But why?, she asks.
-- They had eggs.
A programmer's wife...
...says to her husband that she wants him to go to the grocery store. She says "I need you to get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer later returns with twelve loaves of bread.
Raisin Bread
A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "Is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man: "but it's quivering a bit!"
Why did the bread machine go to see a therapist?
It was too self-loafing.
A programmer...
A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store with the instructions, get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen. He comes home with a dozen loaf of bread and tells her, they had eggs.
A Software Programmer is going to the store.....
His wife says "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The guy comes back with 12 loaves of bread.
His wife says "why did you get so much bread?"
He says, "they had eggs.
I heard there's a new Bread simulator game on Steam..
It's a great game if you're just loafing around.
A wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread...
On his way out she says "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread....
A programmers wife tells him...
"Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He returns with 12 loaves of bread.
@SciencePorn tweeted this, I saw it there, don't know the original source.
A Woman sends her husband - a software developer - out for groceries.
She says to him: "We don't need a lot. Please get us a loaf of bread; and if they have free-range eggs please bring six."
The husband returns with nothing but six loaves of bread: "They had free-range eggs."
Miracle?
They say Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
A wife asks her newfie husband to stop by the grocery store on the way home...
She tells him, "pick up a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen"
He comes home later with 12 loaves of bread
What do you call it when a German hits you with a loaf of bread?
Gluten Tag
And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread?
Flour power
And when a lot of people do it at the same time?
a rye-ot
When I was your age, my mom sent me to the store with a quarter and I came back with a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, and a newspaper.
But you can't do that anymore because there's too many surveillance cameras.
What did one loaf of bread say to the other?
w**....
Why did the man with celiac disease eat a loaf of bread?...
He was a gluten for punishment
I went to the Zoo the other day
and there was a loaf of Hovis in the Lion enclosure - so I went up to the zookeeper and said "What's that doing in there?"
and he said "That? That's bread in captivity"
A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.
She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,
"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,
"Because they had eggs."
When I was a kid -
My mum used to send me to the corner shop of our street with a ten-bob note, and for that I'd bring back 6 eggs, 2 bottles of milk, a loaf of bread, 5lb of potatoes and a packet of sweets for me. Trouble is, you can't do that today.....
Too many cameras.
A programmer and his wife...
A programmers wife asks him to go to the shop and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.
The programmer returns with one loaf of bread and twelve eggs because programmers don't act like computers unlike some others on this sub.
Got fired from the bread factory last week
Now I am out of dough and I just spend my time loafing around. Tough times, no matter how you slice it.
Buying bread.
There's this guy who goes and buys a loaf of bread right? And at the shop the employee asks the guy if he wants a bag or not.
The guy thinks a little while...and then says yes please, baguette.
The programmers shopping list
The programmer's wife sent him to the grocery store.
"Hun, I need you to buy a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, buy a dozen.." she says.
Programmer comes home with 12 loafs of bread.
I've heard one beer = 7 slices of bread
I ate a whole loaf and I'm not drunk yet.
Did I do it wrong?
Jesus fed 6 people with 4 loafs of bread and 2 fish.
However adolf h**... made 6 Million jews toast
Two young boys went to a bread store...
Two young boys went to a bread store. One boy asks the pretty clerk if he could get some raisin bread, she climbs up a ladder to grab the boy a loaf of raisin bread. While she's up on the ladder, the boy notices that the clerk wasn't wearing underwear. The boy whispers and points this out to the other boy. While up on the ladder the clerk asks the other boy if his is raisin too. To which he says, No Ma'am, mine's just quivering.
Subway
The company that managed to convince people that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.
"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,
"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."
What happens when you bang a loaf of bread
It crumbs
After her husband went to jail, a woman called the judge.
..."Why is my husband in jail?" she asked.
"Because he stole a loaf of bread." replied the judge.
"Will he get out of jail soon?"
"Why, do you miss him?"
"No, he drinks, he screams at me, he hits the children, he gambles. He is a terrible husband."
"Then why do you want him back?" questioned the judge.
"We need more bread."
Little Johnny coming home from the store
Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a goodopportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."
Courtesy of an 8 year old: A man goes to the supermarket
A man goes to the supermarket and puts a miniature milk bottle into his cart. Next he grabs a miniature loaf of bread and one miniature apple. At check out the cute cashier takes his miniature groceries and scans them one by one. Between the *beeps* she takes a good look at him and finally asks.
Cashier: Are you single?
Man: Yes I am, how did you know? Was it because of the miniature groceries?
Cashier: No, it's because you are ugly.
When I was a kid, my dad would give me $5 and tell me to get groceries. I would come back with 2 j**... of milk, 2 dozen eggs, 1lb cheeze, 1lb Hamburger, 2 loafs of bread, and a half pound of butter.
But now a-days security has gotten better you just can't steal that much anymore.
Did you hear about the man who stole some bread
Yeah he Pinched a Loaf!
Two Australians are fighting over the last loaf of bread at the supermarket
They're both holding on to the loaf when one of them says:
It's stale mate.
I have a litter of Pomeranian puppies specifically nurtured to look like a French loaf, 500$ per pupper
Please don't ask me to go lower on the price, they are *pure bread*
Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"
A programmer's wife tells him to buy a loaf of bread, she also said that if there are eggs, get a dozen
The programmer returns home with 12 loaves of bread.
What do you call it when you put you foot in a loaf of bread
Loafers
You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread
Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.
I made bread last night,
and I have been loafing around ever since.
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.
Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
A Tragic Story...
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a bushel of grains that could have become whiskey, but didn't.
At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."
Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.
a caring mother makes her son loafs of bread shaped like batman, to make his sandwiches fun every time. guess what happens when it's in the oven?
the dark knight rises.
A french man and his wife go shopping in America
As they are walking down the aisles, she is placing items in bags for them to buy. He is mindlessly walking behind her while she does so, he is missing the simple pleasures of France.
She stops and looks at her husband and holds up a loaf of bread. "Honey, do we need bread? Should I put it in a bag?"
The man looks at his wife and squints his eyes at her.
"Bag-uette." ("Bag it")
(Made this joke one day while in the shower, friends don't find it as absolutely hilarious as I do, let me know if this joke is the best or if I am just s**....)
Apparently I execute commands badly....
Wife sent me to the supermarket with a simple request:
#
Go to the supermarket and buy a loaf of bread
#
If they have eggs get a dozen.
#
Came home with 12 loafs of bread,
#
Still don't get why she's mad?
An old man is talking to his grandson about how things were cheaper when he was a boy
He said that when he was a boy he could walk into a shop with £5 and walk out with a loaf of bread and milk coffee a tub of butter some bacon a pack of cigarettes and a news paper. The boy said that's amazing can I do that. The old man said no. You can't do that nowadays there are too many security cameras.
A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia
When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:
"d**... this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"
A policeman hears that and approaches the man.
"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form a gun, points it toward the man and says "Bang!"
The man is stunned and walks home.
The wife sees that the man is shocked and asks:
"What happened? Did we run out of flour again?"
The man weakly replies:
"Not only that, it appears that we also ran out of bullets!"
A man moves to a new house
For the first three days on the way to work he sees a woman hitting her son with a loaf of bread
On the fourth day, she's hitting him with a cake
He asks what is going on
The woman replies, well, it is his birthday!
A Girl walks into a Supermarket...
...she picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.
The cashier looks at her, and the items she has and says,
"I can tell you're single."
She smiles and responds,
"How do you know that?"
He says,
"Because you're ugly."
A man with Celiac disease willingly ate an entire loaf of bread.
He was a gluten for punishment.
In my day, I could walk into the grocery with a dime and walk out with a loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, and a pound of hamburger.
Nowadays they've got these newfangled cameras everywhere.
A woman asks her Aspie husband to go to the grocery store.
She says buy a loaf of bread, and if they have avocados get six.
An hour later, her husband returns with six loaves of bread. They had avocados. he explains.
Programming logic
The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store
The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."
The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store
The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."
at work yesterday
My boss told me to work the bread, then yelled at me.............. for loafing around.