Share Hilarious Lizard Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
A little lizard
A little lizard is walking through the jungle one day and spots a koala bear up in a tree.
"Hey, what are you doing?" asks the little lizard. Koala bear replies, "I'm getting high, come up and join me."
So the little lizard climbs the tree and shares a joint with the koala bear. Pretty soon the little lizard gets thirsty, he spots the river and says he's going to go get a drink. So the little lizard climbs down the tree, walks over to the river and as he is drinking he ends up falling in. An alligator saw this and rushes over to help the little lizard out of the water.
"What the heck are you doing?" asks the alligator.
"Well, I was getting high with the koala bear in the tree and then I got thirsty and then...."
"Whoa, wait a minute. You were getting high with a koala bear? I've got to see this." Says the alligator as he goes walking off into the jungle.
The alligator spots the koala bear in the tree and shouts up "Hey, what are you doing up there?"
The koala bear looks down and says "Shiiiiiiiiiiit, Dude, how much water did you drink?"
This guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder...
and the bartender says, that's a pretty cool lizard, what's his name?
The guy says, "Tiny, because he's minute"
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint...
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?
What do you call an impotent lizard?
A reptile dysfunction
What do you call it when a lizard has problems in the bedroom?
A reptile dysfunction
Man to Lizard: "So I hear you are in flooring sales"
Lizard: I am more in promotion
Man: What do you do?
Lizard: I rep-tile.
My lizards won't mate...
Must be a reptile dysfunction.
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
What do you say to a man with a broken lizard?
Sorry about your reptile dysfunction.
Why couldn't the lizard be a**...?
He had a reptile dysfunction
(I just made that up but I'm sure it's been thought of)
You can explore lizard newt reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean lizard reptile dad jokes. There are also lizard puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why was the lizard upset with her husband?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction. ...
Okay bye now
HEADLINE: MAN EATING LIZARD FOUND IN FOREST
"It was delicious," says man.
What do you call a lazy lizard?
A procrastigator.
What do you call it when a lizard can't get it up?
A reptile dysfunction
Why couldn't the lizard have any children?
It had a reptile dysfunction!
What's the perfect line of work for a lizard?
Re-tail.
What do you call a lizard who can't easily have s**...?
A reptile dysfunction
Is your lizard not working?
You may have a reptile dysfunction.
What do you call a lizard that doesn't work?
A reptile dysfunction.
A QA tester walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Then he orders 0 beers.
Then he orders 999999999999 beers.
Then he orders a lizard.
Then he orders -1 beers.
Then he orders NULL beers
Then he orders asnwikfjsdf.
What is the funniest two legged lizard?
The stand-up chameleon.
What do you call a lizard on drugs?
A mariguana.
I saw a lizard
and it became a spotted lizard
I met a lizard who couldn't get it up in bed.
Turned out he had a reptile dysfunction.
What do you call a lizard that has trouble having s**...?
A reptile dysfunction.
Where do lizards get their new tails?
At the re-tail store
What do you call a lizard that smokes p**...?
A mariguana
Man walks into a bar with a salamander.
The bartender says, "Nice lizard. What's its name?"
"I call him Tiny because he's my newt."
What do you call a s**... lizard?
Mariguana
Boy George has been attacked by his pet lizard
He's going to get a calmer chameleon.
Our young son has been crying a lot at night, so my wife asked me to go out and get a baby monitor for him…
But he seems even more freaked out now with the big lizard crawling all over him…
I saw a lizard with two tails
It was a case of reptile dysfunction
A software testing engineer walks into a bar.
and he orders a beer, Orders 0 beer, orders 32769 beers, orders 99999999 beers, orders a lizard, orders -1 beers, orders gksbfkagfiau.
A lizard walks into the bar...
A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. What's your kid's name? asks the bartender. Tiny, says the lizard. Because he's my newt.
A QA Engineer walks into a bar...
Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 9999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sjfkalrtbwc.
A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...
The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"
"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."
*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job.*
What do you call a high lizard?
A mariguana!
There was a lizard that lived in my back yard who lost his tail. After weeks of observation, the tail just wouldn't grow back.
I'm not sure what the science is behind this, but I'm sure it was just a reptile dysfunction.
I once met a lizard who was a door-to-door pottery salesman
He could really rep tile
What is the lizards greatest natural enemy?
An independently informed people.
In a recent interview, Mark Zuckerburg's wife stated she wasn't bothered at all about being married to a lizard person.
But rather, she only took issue when Mark would drink heavily and behave erratically, calling it a reptile dysfunction.
What happened to the pet owner who lost his lizard?
He had a reptile dysfunction
A beta tester walks into a bar
A beta tester runs into a bar
A beta tester crawls into a bar
A beta tester moonwalks into a bar
A beta tester jumps into a bar
A beta tester sneaks into a bar
A beta tester orders 1 beer
A beta tester orders 2 beers
A beta tester orders 0 beers
A beta tester orders 999999999 beers
A beta tester orders -1 beers
A beta tester orders qwertyuip beers
A beta tester orders a lizard in a cup
A regular user walks into the bar and asks if he can use their toilet
The bar erupts into flames and burns to the ground.
Why did the lizards breakup?
Because he had ereptile dysfunction.
Where does a lizard go when it loses its tail ?
A re-tail store
My friend told me he bought a 4 foot snake
I told him that's a weird way to describe a lizard.
I walked into a bar with lizard on my shoulder.
I said "One pint for me and one for my mate Tiny"
The bartender said, "Why do you call him tiny"
I said, "He's my newt."
What do you call a lizard that tells damaging lies about you?
A slandermander
What do you call a rich lizard?
A chameleonaire!
Where does a lizard go after it drops its tail?
To the retail store
What's it called when a lizard can't have s**...?
A reptile dysfunction
The experts recommend putting a baby monitor in the nursery with your baby.
Turns out they don't mean the lizard.
Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.
These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.
What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."
Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.
Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Hawaii.
Chuck can light ants on fire with a magnifying glass..................at night.
When Chuck is in Rome, they do what HE does.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one questions why.
Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path!
Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.
What do you call it when a lizard loses its tail and it doesn't grow back?
A-reptile dysfunction
I was walking in the jungle…
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes
I turn to the local tribesman and said That lizard is really funny.
The tribesman replied That's not a lizard…
He's a stand up chameleon…
Why did the lizard never have any offspring ?
Because it had an ereptile dysfunction.
A monkey and a Lizard are sitting on a tree smoking some w**....
After some time the lizard becomes thirsty and decides to go to the river to drink some water.
When he gets there, he falls in and is saved by a crocodile. After Explaining how he got high, The Crocodile decides to investigate.
When the crocodile reaches the tree, he calls out to the monkey. Still high, the monkey looks down and almost falls in shock: "Yo Man, How much water did you drink?"
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
What do you call a lizard that's an assassin?
A cold-blooded killer
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
Why do lizards like long stories?
Because they dragon.
A guy walks into a bar with a small lizard...
A guy walks into a bar with a small lizard on his shoulder. He says to the barman, "One for me and one for Tiny." The barman says, "Why do you call him Tiny?" And the guy says, "Cuz, he's my newt."
What reptile can be found on computers
Monitor lizard
My friends digital lizard passed awat
He had e-reptile dysfunction
Some lizards are unable to reproduce
It's called a reptile dysfunction
A software tester walks into a bar
Backs into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
987654321 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A regular customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar bursts into flames.
My online lizard has stopped working...
I've got e-reptile dysfunction.
What do you call a lizard that can punctuate five times in a row?
A comma comma comma comma comma chameleon!
