The Best 69 Lizard Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Lizard jokes. There are some lizard reptilian jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these lizard areptile puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Lizard Jokes and Puns

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?

A little lizard

A little lizard is walking through the jungle one day and spots a koala bear up in a tree.
"Hey, what are you doing?" asks the little lizard. Koala bear replies, "I'm getting high, come up and join me."
So the little lizard climbs the tree and shares a joint with the koala bear. Pretty soon the little lizard gets thirsty, he spots the river and says he's going to go get a drink. So the little lizard climbs down the tree, walks over to the river and as he is drinking he ends up falling in. An alligator saw this and rushes over to help the little lizard out of the water.
"What the heck are you doing?" asks the alligator.
"Well, I was getting high with the koala bear in the tree and then I got thirsty and then...."
"Whoa, wait a minute. You were getting high with a koala bear? I've got to see this." Says the alligator as he goes walking off into the jungle.
The alligator spots the koala bear in the tree and shouts up "Hey, what are you doing up there?"
The koala bear looks down and says "Shiiiiiiiiiiit, Dude, how much water did you drink?"

This guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder...

and the bartender says, that's a pretty cool lizard, what's his name?

The guy says, "Tiny, because he's minute"

Lizard joke, This guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?

What do you call an impotent lizard?

A reptile dysfunction


What do you call it when a lizard has problems in the bedroom?

A reptile dysfunction

Man to Lizard: "So I hear you are in flooring sales"

Lizard: I am more in promotion

Man: What do you do?

Lizard: I rep-tile.

Lizard joke, Man to Lizard: "So I hear you are in flooring sales"

My lizards won't mate...

Must be a reptile dysfunction.

Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction!

What do you say to a man with a broken lizard?

Sorry about your reptile dysfunction.

Why couldn't the lizard be aroused?

He had a reptile dysfunction

(I just made that up but I'm sure it's been thought of)

You can explore lizard newt reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean lizard reptile dad jokes. There are also lizard puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why was the lizard upset with her husband?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction. ...

Okay bye now

HEADLINE: MAN EATING LIZARD FOUND IN FOREST

"It was delicious," says man.

What do you call a lazy lizard?

A procrastigator.

What do you call it when a lizard can't get it up?

A reptile dysfunction

Why couldn't the lizard have any children?

It had a reptile dysfunction!

Lizard joke, Why couldn't the lizard have any children?

What's the perfect line of work for a lizard?

Re-tail.

What do you call a lizard who can't easily have sex?

A reptile dysfunction

Is your lizard not working?

You may have a reptile dysfunction.


What do you call a robotic lizard that can't stand up?

Ereptile dysfunction.

What do you call a Hindu lizard?

A karma chameleon

What do you call a lizard that doesn't work?

A reptile dysfunction.

Why couldn't the lizard get it up?

He had ereptile dysfunction.

A QA tester walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Then he orders 0 beers.

Then he orders 999999999999 beers.

Then he orders a lizard.

Then he orders -1 beers.

Then he orders NULL beers

Then he orders asnwikfjsdf.

What is the funniest two legged lizard?

The stand-up chameleon.

What do you call a lizard on drugs?

A mariguana.

I saw a lizard

and it became a spotted lizard

My mum asked me if I had taken my lizard for a walk...

... I told her I was goanna do it later.

The little lizard was shocked when he found out how he was conceived.

Anole sex

I met a lizard who couldn't get it up in bed.

Turned out he had a reptile dysfunction.

Why did the lizards get a divorce?

A reptile dysfunction

What do you call a lizard that has trouble having sex?

A reptile dysfunction.

My dog hunted down and killed a lizard today...

You could say it was his hunting inskinkt.

What do you call a lizard with sex problems?

Ereptile Dysfunction

What do you call a giant firebreathing lizard with a procrastination problem

Dragon his feet

Where do lizards get their new tails?

At the re-tail store

What do you call a lizard that smokes pot?

A mariguana

Man walks into a bar with a salamander.

The bartender says, "Nice lizard. What's its name?"

"I call him Tiny because he's my newt."

What do you call a stoner lizard?

Mariguana

Boy George has been attacked by his pet lizard

He's going to get a calmer chameleon.

What did the colour-changing lizard say to his significant other?

You're one in chameleon

Our young son has been crying a lot at night, so my wife asked me to go out and get a baby monitor for him…

But he seems even more freaked out now with the big lizard crawling all over him…

I saw a lizard with two tails

It was a case of reptile dysfunction

A software testing engineer walks into a bar.

and he orders a beer, Orders 0 beer, orders 32769 beers, orders 99999999 beers, orders a lizard, orders -1 beers, orders gksbfkagfiau.

A lizard walks into the bar...

A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. What's your kid's name? asks the bartender. Tiny, says the lizard. Because he's my newt.

A QA Engineer walks into a bar...

Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 9999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sjfkalrtbwc.

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job.*

What do you call a high lizard?

A mariguana!

There was a lizard that lived in my back yard who lost his tail. After weeks of observation, the tail just wouldn't grow back.

I'm not sure what the science is behind this, but I'm sure it was just a reptile dysfunction.

I once met a lizard who was a door-to-door pottery salesman

He could really rep tile

What is the lizards greatest natural enemy?

An independently informed people.

In a recent interview, Mark Zuckerburg's wife stated she wasn't bothered at all about being married to a lizard person.

But rather, she only took issue when Mark would drink heavily and behave erratically, calling it a reptile dysfunction.

Two lizards walk into a bar

and the bartender says, "We don't get many lizards in here." The first lizard replies, "At these prices, I'm not surprised!"

(My brother told this one when we were kids.. I don't know where he got it but think he and a friend made it up. Stupid but it still makes me laugh)

A guy walks into a bar with a little lizard on his shoulder.

The bartender says "What's with the little lizard?" And the guy says "It's my newt."

If there were a lizard school, which students would be the one keeping order?

The monitors.

My lizard shrunk

It was a reptile dysfunction

A lizard who just cant get it up walks into the doctors office

The lizard asks the doctor what the problem might be.

The doc answers back, seems to me like you might have Ereptile Dysfunction.

What happened to the pet owner who lost his lizard?

He had a reptile dysfunction

A beta tester walks into a bar

A beta tester runs into a bar

A beta tester crawls into a bar

A beta tester moonwalks into a bar

A beta tester jumps into a bar

A beta tester sneaks into a bar

A beta tester orders 1 beer

A beta tester orders 2 beers

A beta tester orders 0 beers

A beta tester orders 999999999 beers

A beta tester orders -1 beers

A beta tester orders qwertyuip beers

A beta tester orders a lizard in a cup

A regular user walks into the bar and asks if he can use their toilet

The bar erupts into flames and burns to the ground.

Why did the lizard cross the road?

To meet his flatmate

Why did the lizards breakup?

Because he had ereptile dysfunction.

Three moms were driving and nearly ran over a Lizard.

It was car ma car ma car ma chameleon.

Apparently Boy George has...

... a pet lizard that bites people up to 5 times a day.

He needs a calmer chameleon

A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant with a lizard on his shoulder. He sits down and when the waiter comes he asks for a lemonade and a water for Tiny here. The waiter goes back and evenly brings him the drinks, sets them on the table, then asks why do you call him 'Tiny'. The guy says 'Because he's my newt'.

Where does a lizard go when it loses its tail ?

A re-tail store

My friend told me he bought a 4 foot snake

I told him that's a weird way to describe a lizard.

I walked into a bar with lizard on my shoulder.

I said "One pint for me and one for my mate Tiny"
The bartender said, "Why do you call him tiny"
I said, "He's my newt."

What do you call a lizard that tells damaging lies about you?

A slandermander

What do you call a rich lizard?

A chameleonaire!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the lizard cottonmouth jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working lizard iguana piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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