Living Together Jokes

A cat died and went to Heaven.
God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, "You have been a good cat for these 40 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more."
Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together.
God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again."
God said, "It is done!"
All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat.
He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.
God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over here are delicious!"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;

it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely."
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;

it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting.
I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued,
"And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man,
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No.
I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know.
I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies,“I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee
listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks
on wood for good luck. He then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."

Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're on the team for this Saturday's match!"

Best knock knock joke ever.

Three brothers age 92,94 and 96 live in a
house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath,puts his
foot in and pauses.He yells down the stairs,
"Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back,"I don't know,I'll come
up and see."He starts up the stairs and pauses,
then he yells,"Was l going up the stairs or
coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table
having coffee listening to his brothers.He shakes
his head and says,"I sure hope I never get that
forgetful."He knocks on wood for good luck.He
then yells,"I'lI come up and help both of you as
soon as l see who's at the door."

Two brothers lived together

with their grandmother and her cat. The first brother went on a business trip, and when he arrived at his destination, he checked into his hotel, and called his brother at home. "I made it safe and sound" he said. "How is everything?"
"Bad" said the second brother. "The cat is dead."
"WHAT?!? How could you be so insensitive to tell me like that?" The first brother exclaimed. "You could have broken it to me slowly by saying the cat is on the roof, but you've called the fire department and they were trying to get her down. Later you could have called me and told me that the fire department got the cat down but she has a broken leg, so you are taking her to the veterinarian. Tomorrow you could have called me and told me despite the veterinarian's best efforts, the cat died."
"Sorry", said the second brother. "I'll remember that next time."
"Good", said the first brother. "By the way, how is Grandma?"
The second brother replied, "Oh, Grandma is on the roof."

Bob and Jim.

Bob and Jim have always been bestfriends and grew up together playing baseball. They both loved baseball their whole lives and had always had a passion for the game. In the end of their life Jim is with bob on his death bed. Jim says to Bob, "After you go, can you send me a sign to tell me if there is baseball in heaven or not?" Bob agrees and passes soon after. A week goes by and Jim wakes up in the middle of the night with Bobs ghost standing in front of him. Bob says, "Jim, I have some good news and some bad news." Jim replies, "What's the good news? Is there baseball in heaven?" "Yes." says Bob. "So then what could be the bad news?!" asks Jim. Bob answers, "You're pitching Tuesday."

p**... Quits Drinking

An irishman walks in to a pub in Dublin and orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The barman says: 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. Wouldn't it be better to buy one at a time?'
And the Irishman replies: 'Well you see, I have 2 brothers. One lives in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we left home we promised that we'd drink this way, to remember the good old days when we could drink together.'
The barman is quite touched.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the pub, always drinking the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. But one day, he comes in looking a bit sad and orders just two pints. The regulars notice and fall silent, When he comes back to the bar for another round, the barman says:
'Look, I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I know we all want to offer condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks puzzled for a moment then he laughs. 'Oh no,'he says, éveryone's fine. I've decided to quit drinking."

3 men at a f**.....

3 men are at a mutual friend's f**... and witness a really beautiful eulogy. At the reception afterwards, the three of them are sitting together and talking about the f**... when one of them says "Wow, that was really beautiful. What would you guys like to be said about you when you die?" The first says "I devoted a lot of my life to my medical practice. I really hope they talk about what a great doctor I was and how many lives I saved". The second says "I spent a lot of time with my family and really raised my kids well. I hope they talk about how great of a father and husband I was." The third says "I hope they say 'LOOK he's moving!' "

Bear and Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit both live in the woods. The two have been friends for as long as they can remember; they go everywhere with each other and do everything together.
One day, as they wander the woods, they find a magic genie lamp. They eagerly rub the lamp and out comes a genie. He says in a deep voice, "I am the all-powerful genie, and I can grant anything you desire. Unfortunately, I am only allowed to grant three wishes."
The bear immediately decides that he gets two of the wishes, and the rabbit, being the smaller and weaker of the two, is left with only one.
The bear first says, "I wish all of the female bears in the world loved me," to which the genie says, "It is done." He then states, "I wish I was the only male bear in all the forest," to which the genie once again replies, "It is done."
The rabbit who has been sitting on the side the whole time has been getting angry with his old friend the bear. When the genie asks him his wish, he refuses to be outdone.
He says, "For my wish, I wish the bear was gay."

A man gets into a fight with his wife. (Put together terribly)

They live right on the coast of California, the man gets kicked out of his house by his wife so he goes for a walk along the beach. The man suddenly stops when he hears this loud booming voice.
Terry(Thats his name from now on) I see you have gotten into quite the fight with your wife, its troubling to see you so distraught because you are a very loyal husband, because you have a great relationship with me i am willing to help you. Name one thing you want and i will give it to you.
Terry looks around and is dumbfounded, "God?!" he asks. "Yes it is i, please what could you ever desire?" Terry thinks about it for a little bit and says, "I want a private highway to.... Japan, Italy, and Sweden." God asks Terry if he is sure about that, because that would use a lot of the worlds resources and could cause some serious problems. Terry realizes that wish would be very selfish, so he thinks for a minute and looks up to god and says "God? I know what i want". What is it Terry? Terry asks god to understand everything there is about women, so he can repair his problems with his wife.. God pauses for a minute and says to Terry "So was that highway 2 or 4 lanes?"

Joke I came up with (needs work)

So there are this brother and sister who live together, Cee and Sofie. Sofie says she has a date tonight, the guy will be over at 8 and that Cee will have to let him in while she gets all pampered up.
So later that evening, there is a knock at the door and Sofie shouts out from upstairs "Cee, can you get that?"
Cee opens the door and sees an enormous orange standing in front of him. Cee begins to speak.....
"You are?.......", Cee asks
"Hi!", says the Orange
"Invite him in Cee!", Sofie shouts from upstairs.
The Orange replies, "Not to mention calcium and potassium!"

Starting Early

There was a little girl named Suzy and she liked to play with one of the little boys in her neighborhood named Jack after school. One day, Suzy comes home ecstatic and her mother asks, "Suzy, why are you so excited?". Suzy replies "I was playing with Jack and he said he'd give me a dollar if I climbed the tree in our yard and I did. So now I have a dollar!" The mother realizes her little Suzy is wearing a dress and puts two and two together. "Suzy," the mom starts to say, "Jack didn't pay you that dollar to climb the tree, he tricked you so he could look at your p**.... Don't let him trick you like that again." Embarrassed, the little girl agrees to not fall for any more of Jack's clever tricks. The next day, the mom is sitting in the living room when Suzy bursts through the door ten times more excited than yesterday. "Mommy! I just got 10 dollars from Jack to climb that tree!" The mother, in a scolding tone says, "Suzy! I thought I told you that Jack is just tricking you to look at your p**...!" But the little girl smiles and says, "Don't worry mom! I tricked Jack because I didn't wear any!"

Blond in debt

There was this blond woman heavily in debt. She got a letter in the mail saying that if she didn't pay her bills soon the bank would repossess her business. Not knowing what to do, she prayed.
"Please God" she said "Let me win the lottery so I'll have the money to keep my business."
She didn't win the lottery though and the bank ended up taking her business. The next week she got another letter in the mail saying that if she didn't pay her bills the bank would take her house. Again, the woman prayed.
"Please God. Let me win the lottery so I can keep my house."
Again, she didn't win the lottery and the bank kicked her out of her house. Now she is living in her car. Without mercy, a bank representative told her that if she didn't pay her bills they would take her car as well. She decides to pray one more time.
"Please God. Let me win the lottery so I can put my life back together again."
All of a sudden the clouds parted and God spoke to her.
"Work with me, girl. Buy a friggin' lottery ticket!"

21 years ago a man was born without a body...

He was only a head. Miraculously he survived his birth and lived 21 years of his life as just a head without a body.
On his 21st birthday his father decided he would take his son out for his first alcoholic beverage. They went to a bar together and the father asked the bartender for 2 cold beers.
He helped his son drink the first sip of the beer and suddenly his son grew a torso. He became very excited and took another sip from his beverage. This time he grew an arm. He kept on drinking his beer until he had gained every single part of his body.
The son became so excited that he started to jump up and down and dance in the middle of the bar. He ran out the door with his arms lifted towards the sky and danced in the streets. He then got hit by oncoming traffic and died.
Moral of the story: You should always stop while you're still a head.

Einstein dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates...

Einstein dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where he is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter tells him, "Oh, Einstein, we've not quite finished preparing your living quarters, so we'll have to ask you to temporarily room with a few other men for the time being." Einstein obliges, and St. Peter takes him to his temporary room, where he meets his 3 roommates. St. Peter, introducing Einstein to the first man, says "Einstein, this is Mark. He has an IQ of 130." Einstein says "Oh, wonderful, we'll be able to discuss physics together." St. Peter introduces him to the second man, "Einstein, this is James. He has an IQ of 150." Einstein says, "Marvelous, we'll be able to discuss mathematics and literature together." St. Peter introduces him to the third man, "Einstein, this is Will. he has an IQ of 80." Einstein turns to Will and says, "Oh, nice to meet you Will! So where do you think interest rates are headed?"

Two men sitting at a bar...

Two men are sitting next to each other at the bar well into their drinking. The first man says to the bartender, in a thick Irish accent, Sir, another shot of your finest whiskey! The second man looks at the first and says, with an equally thick accent, Well I'll be, by chance do you come from Ireland?
I do sir! A round for me and my fellow countryman! The bartender pours the pair a shot each. The second man looks at the first and says, By chance, did you happen to live near Dublin?
Aye Sir, born and raised there! Another round Bartender! exclaimed the first. Downing the whiskey together, the first looks at the second and says, As unlikely as it seems, by chance you didn't go to St. John's College in Dublin did you?
Jesus Mary and Joseph I did sir! Another two for my friend and me! A regular walks into the bar and sits down next to the pair. The bartender pours him his usual beer and the man asks, How's the bar doing tonight, anything new going on? The bartender replies, Nothing new pal, just the O'Malley brothers drunk again.

The Cask of Amor-illado.

A man and woman are involved in a severe car accident. Although the cars are totaled, they both crawl out of the wreckage, each without a scratch. The man immediately starts swearing. Women are the worst drivers on earth! They shouldn't be given driver's licenses!
The woman sighs and points to the wreckage. Look at our cars. Completely destroyed, yet we are unhurt...it must be a sign from God. He's telling us the sexes should be compatible, and live in peace together.
Swayed by this profound sentiment, the man pauses and replies, "Maybe you're right...it could be a sign from God. Then he shakes his head. You're still at fault in this accident! Women shouldn't be allowed to drive!
The woman smiles evenly and says, But look here--another miracle. Although my car was completely destroyed, this bottle of red wine escaped, uninjured. Surely God wants us to drink this wine together, to celebrate our good fortune.
With a generous nod, she hands the bottle to the man. The man shrugs, accepts the wine and drains half of it immediately--in one long, glorious draught. With a dramatic flourish, he passes the bottle back to his new spiritual companion. The woman puts the cap back on and drops it in her handbag, zipping it tightly.
The man glances at her. Aren't you having any?
No…think I'll just wait for the police...

The Fish Princess and the Commoner Crab

Once upon a time, in the undersea kingdom, there lived a fish princess. This fish princess had fallen in love with a peasant crab.
When her father, the fish king, found out about their affair he forbade her to ever see him again. When she asked him why he replied "No daughter of mine will consort with a lowly sideways-walking crab!"
Devastated, but with no other choice, the fish princess goes to her crab and delivers the news. "My father says we can't be together," she tells him, "he says you're a lowly side-walker, and that I'm forbidden to see you." The crab, crushed by the news, turns and sadly walks away - sidewise, of course.
That night there was a gala ball at the fish palace. All the nobility of the undersea kingdom was there in attendance including, of course, the fish king and princess. Then, at the very height of festivities, the doors to the ballroom suddenly burst open... and there was the crab.
The entire room burst into excited whispers, all the attendees having heard the rumor of the princess' affair with a side-walking commoner. To their surprise, however, before their very eyes, the crab took one step forward... then another step forward... and another... walking forward down the red carpet toward the king on his throne.
As the crab approached the king the room went silent in anticipation. The crab looked the king square in the eye... opened his mouth... and slurred "I am soooooo super drunk right now."

There were two elderly people living in a nursing home...

Let's call them Fred and Ethel. Now both Fred and Ethel were widowers and got quite lonely. They would just go about their day, seemingly down all the time because their companion was no longer with them. Both of them would just stare vacantly at the tv watching reruns of older shows. One day, Fred walks up to Ethel and says, "Would you like to watch tv together?" Ethel looks up with a smile and says, "Yes."
While they are watching tv, Fred asks Ethel if she would put her hand on his lap. He says that by doing this they can both feel that long lost connection of another human being. Ethel obliges but states that in no way would it lead to s**... or anything of that sort. Fred seems fine with the arrangement. A week goes by and they watch tv together that way when one day Ethel succumbs to pneumonia. She is taken to the hospital and given antibiotics. She returns a week later to find Fred watching tv with another woman, Ruth.
Devastated, she walks up to Fred and exclaims, "I can't believe this is happening. I thought we had something special Fred." Fred stammers out an apology. Ethel asks, "What is it that she has that I don't, Fred?" to which he replies, "Parkinson's."

Three old women live in a house together...

The first one —a 96 year old, has drawn herself a bath and is about to get in. She suddenly stops and calls to her sisters
"Was I getting into the tub or out of the tub?".
The second sister —a 94 year old, replies

"Hold on, I'll come help you".
She begins walking up the stairs but suddenly stops and asks her sister— a 92 year old,
"Was I going up the stairs or down the stairs?".
The old woman just sits at the kitchen table and muttersto herself
"My sisters are so forgetful. What would they do without me?"
as she knocks on the wooden table.
Her sister calls for help once more and she replies,
"Hold on, I need to answer the door first".

So an engaged couple die in a car c**......

A very tragic occasion merely a week before their wedding, they were sorely missed by their family. Shortly after their deaths, they meed St. Peter, guarding the pearly entrance to heaven. They were both good people, led fulfilling lives, and so he has no problem letting them in to heaven, and even states that they are free to live together in heaven, encouraging them to get married. After a few days of life there, free of their earthly problems, they decide they want to take up the offer and seal the bond. They have several days of happiness, have great s**..., and love each-others company. However after a few days, they get kinda bored, and decide to ask St. Peter for a new TV. Peter grants them their wish, telling them:
"This is Heaven, you can have whatever you want!"
So they watch their new TV happily together for several days, until they find that they, once again are bored. They decide on sports, and return to St. Peter. They tell him they want to get basketball lessons. He agrees, and after searching for several days, finds a basketball player to teach them to play. They have tons of fun playing basketball together for a while, until they get bored and realize that they just arent for each other. They return to St. Peter with the request to get divorced. He says
"Gee, thats kinda tough. It was hard enough finding a basketball player, I doubt theres 1 lawyer up here!"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident...

It's a bad one, caused by the woman's reckless driving. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."

So I was watching an interview of Ronald Regan...

...and apparently he heard this joke from Gorbachev.
A Russian man living in the Soviet Union wants to buy a car. He goes through the application process and scrapes together enough cash, and after a few weeks goes to the town hall to pay. He gives the money the clerk tells him to come back and pick up his new car in ten years.
The man replies, "Morning or evening?"
The clerk says, "What difference does it make, it's in ten years!"
The man frowns and says, "Well, the plumber is coming in the morning."
Apologies if this has already been posted.

A German, a Mexican, and a c**...

A German, a Mexican, and a c**... all come to the U.S. together eager to live the American dream. Ready to work, they go around knocking on doors asking if anyone needs help. An old man answers the door and informs them that he needs a new barn built. The three agree to do it and follow the old man behind the house.
The old man explains what he wants and leaves them to it telling them that they'll find tools in the old barn.
The German takes charge and says, "I'll design it and supervise the job." Points to the Mexican and says, "You'll do the labor and dig the foundation," and points to the c**... and says, "You'll be in charge of the supplies."
Immediately the c**... takes off. After a little while the German completes the design and the Mexican gets right to work. A little while later the foundation has been excavated and the German and the Mexican look at each other wondering where the c**... is with the supplies. About half an hour later, the Mexican climbs out of the hole and joins the German in the search for the c**....
They are look around the old barn and as they're about to round the corner, the c**... jumps out with a smile on his face and his hands flailing in the air and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

Two men died and were in line at the pearly gates

Two men appeared at the pearly gates together. Seeing that there was a line to get in, they struck up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" Said the first man to the second.
"I suffocated and froze to death in a deep freeze. I wouldn't recommend it as a good way to go. You?"
"Oh it was horrible," said the first. "I came home early from work and heard my wife having s**... upstairs. I crept up the back staircase to catch them in the act, but they heard me and he took off down the main stairs. I ran the rest of the way up the stairs, then back down the front stairs, only to hear the basement door slam shut. Between running up and down the stairs and all the stress from the ordeal, I dropped dead of a heart attack in the living room."
"That's horrible," says the second. "If you'd have made it to the basement and looked in the freezer I'd probably still be alive."

The Monks and the Merchant. A joke penned by Leonardo Da Vinci

Franciscan begging Friars are wont, at certain times, to keep fasts, when they do not eat meat in their convents. But on journeys, as they live on charity, they have license to eat whatever is set before them. Now a couple of these friars on their travels, stopped at an inn, in company with a certain merchant, and sat down with him at the same table, where, from the poverty of the inn, nothing was served to them but a small roast chicken. The merchant, seeing this to be but little even for himself, turned to the friars and said: "If my memory serves me, you do not eat any kind of flesh in your convents at this season." At these words the friars were compelled by their rule to admit, without cavil, that this was the truth; so the merchant had his wish, and eat the chicken and the friars did the best they could. After dinner the messmates departed, all three together, and after travelling some distance they came to a river of some width and depth. All three being on foot--the friars by reason of their poverty, and the other from avarice--it was necessary by the custom of company that one of the friars, being barefoot, should carry the merchant on his shoulders: so having given his wooden shoes into his keeping, he took up his man. But it so happened that when the friar had got to the middle of the river, he again remembered a rule of his order, and stopping short, he looked up, like Saint Christopher, to the burden on his back and said: "Tell me, have you any money about you?"--"You know I have", answered the other, "How do you suppose that a Merchant like me should go about otherwise?" "Alack!" cried the friar, "our rules forbid as to carry any money on our persons," and forthwith he dropped him into the water

So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

A guy is in a shipwreck…

The only survivors are him and (insert you favorite celebrity/supermodel here). The two are there for years and in spite of her celebrity and his relative ordinariness the two fall in love and live very happily together for many years. One day she tells him, "Ive been so happy with you these past years. I never would have thought I could be so happy alone with just one person in a situation like this. Is there anything that you truly miss that I might be able to do for you?" He said that his best friend back in the world was named Ed and he asked her if she would let him pretend that she was Ed for just a few minutes. She was very happy to be able to do something so simple for him and of course said yes. He said, "Great! Lets go for a walk on the beach." After a few minutes walking on the beach he turns to her and says,"Hey Ed, you'll never believe who I've been f**...'!"

A husband and wife, both 86 years old, get interviewed by the local paper

for the occasion of their 60th wedding anniversary. The journalist asks the woman what she hopes their future might hold, and she says
"Oh, I'd like for us to live to 100 together."
The journalist asks the man, who says
"I hope to live to 101."
"Why's that?" asks the journalist.
"All I want is to have one year of peace and quiet."

Three Elderly Sisters

There were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together.
One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.
The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"
The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister's shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.
Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Pedro was riding his donkey back into town one day...

When out from behind a rock jumps Black Pete, the meanest bandito in all of Mexico.
Black Pete pulls out his gun and says 'Hey Pedro, if you want to live to see another day, then you better eat your sombrero'.
Poor Pedro has no choice but to eat his hat, and Black Pete just stands there laughing and laughing. Suddenly, Pedro grabs the gun off Black Pete and says 'Now my friend it is you who must eat his sombrero if he wants to live to see another day!'.
Well Black Pete has no choice and reluctantly eats his hat. Pedro laughs and laughs, then hops back on his donkey and finishes his ride back into town.
When he arrives he sees Black Pete's wife, who asks him if he's seen Black Pete recently. He says to her 'Si, si señorita, I have, we just had lunch together.'

Three Sisters...

Three sisters of age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks
on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."

A Drink for Each of My Brothers

Patrick walked into a pub and sat down at the bar. He asked for three individual shots of whiskey, and the bartender said "you know, I can put that all in one glass for you." Patrick said, "no no, see, I have two brothers who live far away. This drink is for Finnigan, this one is for Fergus, and this one is for me. And when I drink them, it's like we're all together again." So a few months go by, Patrick having his three drinks in the bar on a regular basis, and one night he came in and said "I think we'll only be needing two glasses today." The bartender stopped, cold, and said "What happened? Did something happen?" Patrick said, "oh no, my brothers are fine, it's just that I've decided to quit drinking."

Rabbi and priest are sitting together on a plane

They immediately hit it off and are having a lively discussion when their meals are served. The priest notices the rabbi's kosher meal and asks,
" I know that Jewish people do not eat any pork, but I was wondering if you have ever tasted bacon?"
The rabbi answers, " when we were little, my parents were not religious, and I have to admit, we ate bacon! Along the same lines, have you ever had s**... relations?"
The priest pauses and lowers his head. " When I was a teenager, I was quite the wild one, and I have to admit, it's better than bacon."

[text] The mechanic and the heart surgeon

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.
"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves, and put it all back together so it works good as new.. We basically do the same job don't we? And yet you are paid ten times what I am - how do you explain that?"
The surgeon thought for a moment, and smiling gently, replied,"Try it with the engine running.."

An Irishman walks into a bar...

...and says to the bartender, "Give me three pints of Guinness, lad". The bartender obliges, and the Irishman lifts two of the three glasses to the air, as if toasting some invisible person. He then set them down, and finished all three glasses by sipping from one, then the next, and the next until it was empty. Bartender, naturally curious, asks what's up.
"Oh, me two brothers all live about. Since we can't meet and have a pint together, we do it from afar like this."
This continues for a few more months, until finally, one day, the Irishman only orders two pints of Guinness. Bartender notices this and says solemnly, "Only two today? I'm sorry. Did one of your brothers pass away?"
"No, no, nothing of the sort. I've quit drinking!"

You say "two plus two equals four"

But they show you the edict: as of yesterday, it's five. You insist: four. But now it's six. And those who said it was five are in prison. You yell: four. But they admitted past missteps and made it clear that if we all pull together, we can make it seven. And if we leverage, we can even get up to eight. You yell: four. But they look at you like you're mentally challenged - we considered him intelligent, but he's like a broken record: four, four, four. No imagination, no vision. Not like overseas!
Source: comedian Viktor Koklyushkin talking about living in Russia

Rabbi and A King

A rabbi and a king are traveling the countryside together, talking to people in the area and generally getting to know them better. Before crossing a bridge to the other part of the country, night falls, and they decide to stay at a nearby hotel. They wake up the next morning and head to the bridge a short time later.
Before crossing, a man walks up to them and asks if they are planning to cross the bridge. They reply yes, and the man warns them that a troll lives under the bridge, and kills people by tripping them, resulting in people falling off the bridge and dying. The king and rabbi thank the man and continue on.
They reach the bridge and look across. They do not see any sign of a troll and begin to cross. Halfway across, they see a flash before their eyes, and the king suddenly yells as the troll has begun to trip him.
The rabbi yells, "Wait spare him, trip me instead!" The troll looks back at him, and smiles saying "Silly rabbi, trips are for kings!"

A Story of Two Bees

So once upon a time, there were two bees, and they were out collecting pollen for their hive. It was going well at first, but soon the clouds started to gather together. One bee said to Two bee, "We better hurry up and meet our quota, it looks like it's going to rain." Two bee said to One bee, "Yes, I agree. Our colony is in grave danger of starvation, and we need to bring them this pollen."
But soon, the rain began. The bees headed for shelter, but before long, One Bee was hit by a drop of water. Two Bee rushed to his side, and dragged him under a leaf, but it was too late. As One Bee lay dying, he said "Two Bee, you must live. Take the pollen I have gathered, the hive needs it. And when you return, tell my wife and children, I love them. Go on without me," then died.
As the rain cleared up, Two Bee knew he still had a long journey ahead of him, so he set his emotions aside.
What happened next?
Two Bee Continued.

She actually said that?

A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, 'Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.' "
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"
"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!'

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.

s**... joke

Police: Where do you live?
Me: With My Parents.
Police: Where Do Your Parents Live?
Me: With Me.
Police: Where Do You All Live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where Is Your House?
Me: Next To My Neighbours House.
Police: Where's Your Neighbours House?
Me: If I Told You, You Wouldn't Believe Me...
Police: Tell…
Me: Next To My House. Lol.

Police as me a question:

....Police: Where do u live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With Me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: You won't believe me if I tell you.
Police: Tell Me!
Me: Next to my house.

Police asks boy: where do you live

Boy: With my parents
Police: Where do your parents live?
Boy: With me
Police: Where do you all live
Boy: Together
Police: Where is your house?
Boy: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: I'm not playing games, Where's your neighbors house then?
Boy: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.
Police: Tell me.
Boy: Next to my house

Trust Issues

A rich polish man leaves his homeland to start over in America and find love.
After a year in the states and building a successful business, he meets a woman who he falls in love with and they get married.
After 2 months of being married and living together the polish man goes to see a divorce attorney.
He tells the attorney he needs to file for divorce out of fear that his wife is trying to steal his money.
The attorney says "Okay, why do you think she is trying to steal your money?"
"She's trying to kill me!"
"Sir, that's a serious accusation! Do you have any proof of this?"
"Well when I was in the bathroom, I opened her drawer and I saw a bottle that said 'Polish Remover'!"

Three friends: Nobody,Somebody and Mad used to live happily together

Once, Nobody and Somebody had a huge argument and in a fit of rage Somebody killed Nobody .
Horrified, Mad decided to call the cops.
Mad: Hello cops? Somebody just murdered Nobody! You need to come over quick!
Cop: What?
Mad: Somebody killed Nobody!
Cop: Sir, are you mad?
Mad: Yes sir! How did you know that?