Living Room Jokes
111 living room jokes and hilarious living room puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about living room that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Living Room Short Jokes
Short living room jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The living room humour may include short dining room jokes also.
- My ex is like the Mona Lisa It's not that she is pretty or anything, but I would be ecstatic if I came home to find her hanging in the living room
- I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room. For Jesus.
- I bought a christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"
- I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot? Myself.
- There's a father and a son sitting in their living room. The son asked, "What's it like to have the greatest son in the world?"
The father replied, "I don't know, you'll have to ask your grandpa" - When I told my mother I wanted to put the Christmas tree up myself... she suggested that I should put it up in the living room instead.
- I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy said, "Are you gonna put it up yourself?"
I said, "No, I was thinking the living room." - If there is a Serial killer inside your house, What is the safest place to hide? In the living room.
- I just bought a Christmas tree and my buddy asked, "Are you going to put that up yourself?" I replied, "No, I was thinking the living room."
- My drunk uncle is Santa Claus He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.
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Living Room One Liners
Which living room one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with living room? I can suggest the ones about bedroom and lounge.
- I put a black hole in my living room. It's great. Really pulls the room together.
- From my 7-year-old: What room are zombie not allowed in? The living room.
- What room doesn't have ghost? Living room.
- What's that one room zombies can never enter? the LIVING room
- What room can't a skeleton enter? The living room.
- What's the only room in a house that doesn't have ghosts? The living room
- How ironic is it... to die in the living room?
- Where do you go during a zombie apocalypse? The living room.
- Judging by the mess in the living room. Babies don't bounce.
- What room does a ghost not need? A living room
- what room zombies and vampires can't enter? the living room.
- What's the best place in the house to hide from ghost? The living room!
- My brother asked me where I'm going to graduate. At the living room or the kitchen?
- What room is a ghost scared of? The living room( haha get it?)
- What is similar about Christmas and tornado season? You have a tree in your living room.
Living Room Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about living room you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean parlor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make living room pranks.
My wife was just in a minor accident. She's told the police that the man she hit was on his phone and drinking a Coke at the time
But they keep going on about how he can do what he wants in his own living room.
Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad m**... in the living room...
As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."
m**... is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea.
But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
Where the h**... do you think you're going? he says.
I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a b**... there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
Where do you think you going? the wife asks.
I'm coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree.
The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
My daughter just walked into the living room and said
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother. Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he supports the Lakers"
My dog, Grandpa
The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, well I'd name him Grandpa.
That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today.
I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night.
Grandpa pooped in the living room again.
I had to put grandpa down today.
Grandpa ran away again.
I caught Grandpa h**... my friend's leg again.
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.
Ellen jail joke
Ellen DeGeneres coronavirus jail joke - Today, I am filming this in my living room because all the other rooms in my house are filled with toilet paper !
One thing that I've learned from being in quarantine is that people this is like being in jail, is what it is !
It's mostly because I've been wearing the same clothes for 10 days and everyone in here is gay.
I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror
I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror to see a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcyclist.
So I quickly put on my coat and shoes and rushed outside.
Pushed through the crowds shouting let me through, let me through! .
I finally managed to get to the front of the crowd.
A woman turned to me and said oh thank goodness, are you a doctor? .
I replied no but that's my pizza!
My wife crashed our car this morning.
When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.
The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.
I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...
"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"
"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."
I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."
A woman searches for something in the living room.
After an hour, worried, she asks her husband:
- Have you seen my book?
- Which one?
- How to live to become 100 years old.
- Ah yes. Yesterday, i threw it away.
- But why?
- Your mother started reading it...
A boy was having suspicions that he was adopted...
He decided to sit down with his dad in the living room to express his worries.
Clearly anxious, he hesitantly asked "Dad, am I adopted?"
His dad looked quite surprised but promptly replied: "Not yet, we haven't found anyone who'll take you"
My neighbor visited my house the other day
He said: Isn't your house the same as mine? How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your living room when you moved in?
12 I said.
A few days later he came back, pretty p**.... "I just finished, and I have 7 rolls of wallpaper left!"
Yeah, so did I.
\*Heard in Dutch and translated.
A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room
He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud b**... and rumbling
Dad: Son what happened?
Son: it's nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs
Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt
Son: yeah it's because i was wearing it
Jehova
This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."
I went to a brothel and met a p**...
I asked her what are the prices?
She said:
£20 for a h**...
£50 for a b**...
£80 for s**...
And for £120, i'll do anything!
Anything hmmm....
She's now fitting my downstairs bathroom and repainting my living room.
You can ge some real bargains if you shop around!
A kid walks into the living room
And tells his dad, "Dad, I'm freezing!"
The dad says, not looking away from the TV, "Go stand in the corner."
The kid is surprised, what did he do wrong? "But why?"
The dad looks at his son and grins evilly. "The corner is 90 degrees!"
"DAD!"
I had a Jehovah witness
Knock on my door one day and asked to come in and speak with me about Jesus.
I said sure come on in, so we went to living room and sat down. And I asked, so what do you want to talk about?
And they said we're really not sure we have never made it this far before.
My dad just called a family meeting.
Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.
"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.
"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".
Working holiday
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a b**... there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where are you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."
A married couple is lying in bed.
The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".
So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.
I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?
A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and r**..., she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."
The Tea Party
Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).
He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him more. After several cups of 'tea,' and much praise, Mom came home.
"Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.
"Isn't she just the cutest?"
Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"
Wife and husband are in the living room.
She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone.
At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message.
Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.
At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and see's a text message from her husband.
"Well, since you're in the kitchen, might as well make me a sandwich."
Dating in 1962
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,
maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse
and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.
"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The d**... dance is called the Twist!
Woman buys parrot
A woman walks into a pet store, and is perusing through the various animals when she comes across one of the most beautiful parrots she has ever seen. She's taken aback by the tropical beauty of this bird, and when she looks on the price tag on the cage it says 50$. The woman turns to the man at the front counter and asks "Why is a bird this beautiful being sold for this little?" The man looks up and says "Oh, that bird was originally kept in a house of prostitution, and boy does he have a mouth". The woman takes the words to heart but buys the bird anyway. She buys it, and takes it home with her. She puts the bird in the living room. Suddenly the bird squawks "NEW HOUSE NEW MADAME!" The woman is put off by this but she figures that in a few days the bird will get over it. Her daughters come home from school and the bird speaks again "NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAME, NEW GIRLS!" Again the woman is off put but she assures her kids that the bird will grow out of its old habits. The woman's husband gets back in from a day at work. The parrot takes one look at him and squawks:
"HI GARY!!"
Jimmy's First Cow
One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.
He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.
His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"
So this guy's in bed with a married woman when her husband's car gets home
She brings the guy, completely n**..., into the living room and tells him to stand completely still as she covers him in white powder.
Honey, what's that? , said her husband.
Well, it's a statue. I saw the Robinsons down the street got one and I wanted one! , said the woman.
The husband bought it, and the day went on and eventually the couple went to bed.
At about 2 a.m., the husband gets up, goes down to the kitchen, makes a sandwich and grabs a beer. He goes into the living room, and tells the statue : Here you go; I spent two whole days like that at the Robinsons and nobody even offered me a d**... glass of water!
LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls
So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to the store to buy cleaning supplies. I tried at least five different types, and scrubbed for at least half an hour but the stain was still there. Does anybody have any good methods for getting blood out of the carpet?
A little 3-year-old girl
was playing with her miniature tea set. Her father was in the living room and her mother was out shopping. The little girl came out to the living room and offered her father a cup of tea, which was in fact just water. He thought this was really cute, so she did it several more times. When the mother came home, the father had the mother stop and watch the little tea ritual, as her daughter brought the father another cup of tea (water) and he drank it. The mother said, Very nice. But has it occurred to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
Jimmy don't j**..., you'll go blind.
Little Jimmy's dad walks into his son's room and says, "Jimmy don't j**..., you'll go blind."
Little Jimmy: "Dad I'm over here, in the living room..."
A man is sobbing into his beer...
It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.
The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."
"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit drinking."
"No man, I blew chunks in the kitchen, I blew chunks on the stairs, I blew chunks in the bathroom, I blew chunks EVERYWHERE."
"I'd hate to agree with your roommate, seeing as how that means less business for me, but maybe he's got a point. That's an awful lot of v**... to have to mop up..."
"No, no, you don't understand," The man sobbed, "Chunks is my Dog."
A mexican boy with the desire to be white
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.
He says, "Mom, look, I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father."
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother."
The boy goes into his grandmother's room and say, "Mira la Abuela, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!"
A little girl asks her father where people came from.
He explained about Adam and Eve and they were our original ancestors and they had babies and that's where we came from.
Later that day the girl asked her Mom who explained that their ancestors were monkeys and apes and humans evolved from the monkeys. "So, our relatives are monkeys?" "That's right, dear"
Now the little girl was angry and stomped into the living room to see her Dad and told him what her Mom said. "You lied to me!" the little girl shouted at him.
No I didn't honey. Your Mom was talking about her side of the family
Any great and funny jokes like this one for my 8 year old granddaughter?
She loves this one:
A guy is sitting in his living room, hears a knock at the door. Gets up and opens the door, no one there. Looks down and sees a snail on the doormat. Being a guy, of course he picks it up and throws it across the street.
Six months later, the guy is in his living room, hears a knock at the door. Gets up, opens the door, no one there. He looks down and it's that snail. Snail looks up and yells "what the heck was that about?!!!".
Someone brings their new friend over to their house for the first time.
The friend is walking through the living room when they stop at the fireplace and pick up an odd-looking jar that caught their eye. "What's this?" they ask.
The host replies, "Oh, that's my Father's ashes."
Startled, the friend turns and accidentally drops the container onto the floor where it shatters and spills the ashes everywhere. "Oh no! OH NO!! I'm SO sorry!" they exclaim.
"Don't worry about it. We'll just clean it up, my Dad can tap his cigarettes into a mug until he buys another jar from Walmart."
I painted my living room white the other day and for a short while I could swear it looked slightly blue....
...then I realised it was just a pigment of my imagination.
A man goes to buy a Christmas Tree...
... After the salesman rings him up and helps him strap it to the car, he asks, "were you planning on putting this up yourself?" to which the man responds, "Actually, I was thinking of putting it in the living room."
Mice
We've had a few mice in the house recently so I set a few traps.
The next day I went down to check and was very surprised with what I found.
I jumped back into bed and said to the wife, "There are some clever mice in this area."
"Why?" she asked, "Did they get the cheese without springing the traps?"
"They didn't go near them," I replied. "They're sitting in the living room playing Scrabble."
(One for those in the UK today) I'm not saying it's hot in my living room...
But two Hobbits just walked in and threw a ring into it.
I went to buy a Christmas tree the other day, and the shop assistant said "Are you thinking if putting it up yourself?"
I said "no, i was thinking the living room".
I got my 6 year old so good and she actually understood it. I cracked myself up in the process
I was holding my daughter in the living room and she saw the jewelry making kit she got for Christmas. She asked me to make her a necklace.
So I immediately dropped her.
She held on to me and dangled with her arms around my neck.
"There, you're a necklace."
Please say dirty things
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
A man crashes his car
When the cops arrive on the scene , he is protesting loudly that it's this woman's fault. Officer, she was texting on her phone and drinking a beer!
The officer replied Sir, she can do whatever she wants in her living room .
A girl walks in on his parents doin' it...
The parents freak out and try to cover themselves.
The girl asks, Mommy, what are you guys doing?
The mom says, Your dad and I are making cakes.
The girl shrugs and goes back to her room.
*a week later
The girl asks her mom, Mommy, were you and daddy making cakes again in the living room?
The mother replies Yes we were.
The girl says. Oh cool because I just licked the frosting off the couch.
My time machine landed right in the middle of h**...'s living room
I thought to myself, now's my chance to make the world a better place
"Please sir," I pleaded, "Don't gas the Jews."
"Gas the Jews?" h**... replied, "Hmm, I hadn't thought of that."
A man buys a Christmas tree.
As he goes to pay for the tree, the attendant says, "Are you putting the tree up yourself?"
The man replies, "Quit being disgusting. I'm putting the tree in my living room."
I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book.
She laughed and called me an antique, then proceeded to give me her phone.
Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.
My wife crashed and smashed up the car today. She told the police that man was was on the phone and drinking beer.
The police said, "A man can do whatever he wants in his own living room. "
A man was picking out a Christmas tree
A man was picking out a Christmas tree.
When he goes to pay for it, the cashier asks him, "Will you be putting this up yourself?"
The man replies, "Quit being disgusting! I'm putting it in my living room."
My wife and I were doing the naughty and she says Say dirty things to me
Bath, kitchen, living room…
A couple moves into an apartment and decides to paper the living room.
They ask their neighbor, who has the same size living room, if he had ever papered his room and how many rolls he bought. The neighbor answers "Eleven".
So the couple buys 11 rolls of expensive wall paper and gets to work. To their surprise, after 8 rolls the living room is finished. Annoyed, they confront their neighbor about the 3 wasted rolls.
He replies "Huh. That happened to you too?"
My wife and I were sitting in our living room in silence looking at our phones...
We heard a cricket outside and she looked at me and said "I heard a cricket chirping, but you didn't tell a joke"
A father and his son go out to fell a tree for Christmas
When the tree is felled and being brought back, the son asks, "Dad are you going to put the tree up yourself?"
"No, son, I'm going to put it up in our living room"
Milkin' it.
I walked into the living room to see my wife breast feeding our son.
Being curious, I asked: "how long are you going to keep doing this, honey? I mean at what age is it too old for him?"
"Well, I think it's necessary to have quality bonding time between mother and child, and usually societal norms dictate this age aught to be ..."
I got impatient again: "Shut up son, i was talking to your mother. "
When I sold my house...
The new owner called me up and asked; "How much wallpaper did you buy when you did the living room?". "12 rolls" I answered.
Three days later I got another angry call. "You said you bought 12 rolls of wallpaper, but I only needed 7!". "Funny", I responded, "I had the same thing!"
I recently bought a Christmas tree at a shop...
The man at the cashier said to me "Are you going to put that up yourself?"
I replied to him in disgust saying "No, that is disgusting! I'm going to put it up in my living room."
A toddler, was giving her daddy a tea party
She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea , her Mom came home, Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!
A man is sitting in his easy chair watching the football game when his wife comes in and slaps him in the face.
He says, What was that for!
She says, I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket with the name Dorothy written on it!
The man says, oh that's just the name of the horse I was going to bet on
A week passes and the man is back in his easy chair watching another football game.
Wife walks into the living room and slaps him in the face again.
The man yells, what was that for!
She says, your horse just called...