Living Alone Jokes

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.
He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.
His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.
He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

An old man lived alone in Tasmania.
He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, Jase, who used to help him, was in prison. 
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
 
Dear Jase,
 
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year; I’m just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad.
 
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
 
Dear Dad,
 
For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the BODIES. Love Jase.
 
At 4A.M. the next morning, the Federal Police and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
 
Dear Dad.
 
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Jase.

The Tomato Garden

The Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country...

He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me....Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the Yams and Potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids...

The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.
The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.
The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

A man stands at the edge on top of a 20 story building after deciding that he's going to kill himself.

He's about to jump when he here's the voice of a coworker behind him.
"Wait!" the coworker says. "Don't jump!"
"Why not?" says the man. "I got laid off again. Life is nothing but a series of endless struggles and I'm tired of fighting it and putting this off."
"But look at all the people down there going about their lives...they're all more like you than you know. Everyone deep down is going through some unseen battle. You are not alone!"
The man pauses for a moment, shrugs, and moves away from the edge. The coworker is immediately relieved and asks him, "Do you understand now? Do you understand that you don't have to go through it all alone?"
And the man says, "I don't really care about all that. I just couldn't live with myself if I landed on someone."

Nursing Home troubles.

An old man is living alone, but his son checks him into a home so he can be taken care of. So the old man is sitting in the common area, when he starts tilting to his left. A nurse comes over and straightens him out. He continues to sit, when he starts tilting to his left. The nurse comes over and straightens him out. A few minutes later, he tilts to his left *again,* and the nurse comes and straightens him out. Later that day the man's son comes to visit. "Hey Dad! How's this new home treating you?" The old man says: "It's good, but the problem is they won't let you f**...!"

To clear your conscience

In the midst of the second world war, there was a young Jewish g**... the run from the n**.... She happened to come across a house where a 30 year-old man lived alone. She begged him to help her by providing a hiding place from the n**... until the war was over. The man said that he would allow her to stay in his attic and he would provide food, as long as they could make love at his whim. The girl gladly agreed.
Twenty years later, the war long over, the man decides he wants to clear his conscience from doing what he did. He visits his church and says to the priest, "Father, I once sheltered a Jewish girl from the n**...."
The priest replies, "That is a wonderful thing to do."
The man says, "You don't understand. I forced her to have s**... with me as long as I sheltered her."
The priest replies, "That is ok. She had to pay you back somehow for saving her from the n**...."
The man nods and then says guiltily, "Do I have to tell her the war is over?"

The Trids and the Giant

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for a giant that lived on the mountain. The giant would often terrorize the Trids.
The Trids, tired of the giant, sent a group led by the community's minister to reason with the giant. But before they could even say one word the giant kicked them down the mountain. The Trids thought maybe this was because the giant was Catholic, so they sent another group, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached, the giant once again kicked them all down the mountain.
The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the giant was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they asked a rabbi of a different community for help. The Rabbi led a group of Trids up the mountain. The giant saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, knowing the giant's past, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the giant. The giant laughed and replied
"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

A guy is in a shipwreck…

The only survivors are him and (insert you favorite celebrity/supermodel here). The two are there for years and in spite of her celebrity and his relative ordinariness the two fall in love and live very happily together for many years. One day she tells him, "Ive been so happy with you these past years. I never would have thought I could be so happy alone with just one person in a situation like this. Is there anything that you truly miss that I might be able to do for you?" He said that his best friend back in the world was named Ed and he asked her if she would let him pretend that she was Ed for just a few minutes. She was very happy to be able to do something so simple for him and of course said yes. He said, "Great! Lets go for a walk on the beach." After a few minutes walking on the beach he turns to her and says,"Hey Ed, you'll never believe who I've been f**...'!"

A man lay on his deathbed...

He had maybe a day left to live when he suddenly smelled his wife's prizewinning chili! He dearly loved her chili more than anything else in the world, especially the way his wife cooked them which was known throughout the state of Texas.
With every last bit of energy left in his mind and body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, crawled across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of chili from the stovetop. As he reached with a spoon for a taste from the p**..., his wife smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon.
"Leave it alone, Charlie!" she yelled. It's for the f**...!"

The lonely woman

A woman lived alone for 30 years without a single date and had become very lonely. Out of desperation she put an ad in the newspaper asking for a man. The ad read as follows:
"I need a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is great in bed."
She submitted the ad and waited. A few days later her doorbell rang. She answered it and at her door was a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.
She asked, "Can I help you?" The man replied, "I've come to answer your ad! As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't leave you!"
"Okay," said the woman, "Well how are you in bed?"
The man replied, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

An old man and an old woman...

An old man and an old woman are living alone. They make a pact that the one that dies first will come back and tell the other one about the afterlife.
Wouldn't you know it, one day the old man dies.
One night the old woman is laying in bed and she sees the old man floating above her. "So?" she says, "what's it like?"
"It's great!" says the old man. "I get up in the morning and have s**.... Then I eat breakfast. Then I have more s**... until lunch. After lunch I have more s**...; that gets me to dinner. After dinner I have s**... until I pass out. I wake up the next morning and do it all again."
The old woman can't believe it. "Heaven is nothing but eating and s**... all day?"
"Heaven?" says the old man. "I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

Potato Patch

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Fred
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Fred

The Irishman and the three beers

An Irishman moves to the us, on his first day he goes looking for a bar and finds one he likes once he enters he orders three beers, he drinks the beer, pays and leaves. He keeps doing this for a week then the bartender asks him:
* Sir why do you always drink three beers at once instead of ordering one beer at a time?
To what the Irish answers:
* Well my brothers and I used to have a daily beer back in Ireland and now that live here I drink mine and one for each of my brothers
The bartender leaves the man alone and he becomes a regular going daily for years, everyone who visited the bar knew about the Irishman and his three beers but one day he enters the bar and orders 2 beers, everyone gets quiet and the bartender says:
* I'm sorry for your loss, your brother is in a better place now
To what the Irishman responded:
* My brothers are fine I just quit drinking

A man's dog dies

A fine elderly Catholic gentleman lived alone in Southwest Florida in an upscale gated community except for his beloved dog that he had for a long time.
The dog finally died and the gent went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dear dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the grief stricken man "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a Baptist church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
The old fellow said "I'll go right now. Thank you Father...By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

Planting potatoes in Chicago

So there's this old Pakistani man who lives alone in Chicago. One day he sends an e-mail to his son Ahmad :
"Dear son, I would love to plant some potatoes in the backyard but I'm old and lonely, I can't plow the land without your help. With love, your father."
Later that night, Ahmad responds :
"Dear dad, for the love of God PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THE LAND ! I have buried "the thing" there. Your loving son, Ahmad."
That same night at 3 in the morning, 4 FBI agents broke into the father's house and investigated the backyard, inch by inch, without finding anything. They went away without being noticed.
Ahmad sent another email to his father : "Dear father, I am 100% positive that the land is now plowed. I couldn't have done it better myself. Ahmad."

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside

with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Baseball in Heaven

Two kids, Adam and John, absolutely love playing baseball. They play every day of their lives until years down the road Adam and John are now two old men who sit in the park feeding the birds and watching kids play baseball. One week later John passes away. Adam is sitting at the park alone when he hears Johns voice.
John -- Psst, Adam, its John.
Adam -- John buddy I miss ya! Hows heaven?
John -- Its great! But there is good news and bad news. What do you want to hear first?
Adam -- The good news.
John -- There's baseball in heaven!
Adam -- That's great! What's the bad news?
John -- You're pitching next Monday.

A funny true encounter

I was spending some time alone in an isolated cabin in the Ozarks. Not a neighbor for hundreds of meters. One day at around 9 p.m. I get a knock on the door, so I go to answer it. I see a large, p**... bellied man with a huge bushy beard.
"The name's Hank. I live just a mile down the road. I see you're new around here. I'm throwing a party tonight and I thought you might like to come."
"Sure, sounds great!" I said.
"There's gonna be drinking!"
"I can drink with the best of them!"
"There's gonna be fighting!"
"Sounds like fun!"
"There's gonna be some wild s**...!"
"Sweet! What should I wear?"
"It don't matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

A Mexican lying on his death bed

The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.
"Leave them alone, c**..., they're for the f**...."

Father's ashes!

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he's standing there alone, he lights a cigarette. After a while, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Oh God no... Oh!!! I just....."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

A woman, tired of living alone, decides to put an ad in the local paper.

She asks for three things:
1. A man who will treat her nicely,
2. A man who won't leave her, and
3. A man who is good in bed.
Several weeks go buy without a result, and the woman is resigned to life without a man who can embody those qualities. Then, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find an armless, legless man in a wheelchair. He says, "I'm here about the ad in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms, so I can't beat you, and I have no legs, so I can't run away from you." The woman is skeptical, and asks, "Yeah, but are you good in bed?" The man answers, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Jimmy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Jimmy went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' say a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied,
"I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Protestants down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Jimmy said,
"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed,
"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"