lives Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious lives puns

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

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Missionary in the jungle

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:

"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"

The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:

"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."

The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.

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Have you heard of the sexual maneuver called the "Reverse Hitler"?

It's where you ejaculate inside of an anus. i.e. create 6 million lives in a gas chamber.

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Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

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Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

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9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda

that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

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We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills, it's 90210. But do you remember the one for Dawson's Creek?

It's 90108 (for our lives to be over)

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During a funeral...

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

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A priest, a rabbi & a 13 year old boy are all on a plane

The plane is going down and there are only two parachutes left.

The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "rabbi, we have both lived long and fulfilling lives, let's give the boy a parachute and we can flip a coin to decide who will get the last one."

The rabbi says, "fuck that 13 year old!"

The priest, asks, "do you think we have enough time?"

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Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

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At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'

The poor bartender was crushed to death.

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What do you call a bee that lives in America?

A USB.

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"

"Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

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Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)



The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.

- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.

- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.

- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.

- Will do.

- Thank you. *hangs up*

- Wait. What do you mean "if"?

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I just gave my cat some 7UP.

Now he's got 16 lives.

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It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much

Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.

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How many Black Lives Matters protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't be silly, Black Lives Matters protesters can't change anything.

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There are four states of matter.

Solid, liquid, gas, and black lives.

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I think Trojan is a bad name for a condom brand...

...because of course, the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls...

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Two women are discussing their love lives

Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."

Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."

"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."

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People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.

We now live in a one bedroom unit.

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My neighbor's in the guinness book of records.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.

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I scared my mailman by showing up at the door completely naked

I'm not sure what scared him more; me being naked or me knowing where he lives.

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A miracle at the funeral

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

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Scaring the postman

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I know where he lives.

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A man put his charity bucket in my face.

He said, "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?"

I stopped and said, "Do you?"

"Do I?" he hesitated, "Of course I do."

I said, "Get the fuck out my way then, I want to buy my lunch."

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My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn't a good idea.

The steaks would be too high.

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TIL that 9/10 Doctors agree , drinking water is good for children

The tenth doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

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A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport

He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport

"Good morning, First time in Germany?"

"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"

"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"

"T-34, I was the gunner"

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A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol

So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.

He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.

He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"

His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"

-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-

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Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

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What do you call a wheelchair-bound nun who lives high up on a mountain?

A) High roller
B) Virgin mobile
C) Nun of the above

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Anyone else experiencing bad weather?

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern tip of Connecticut. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the North wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

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Blue Guy lives in the blue house, red guy lives in the red house, purple guy lives in the purple house, orange guy...

Lives in the White House.

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A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin

One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it's actually a part of Belarus.

"Oh thank God!" the man exclaims. "I don't think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here."

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What are the most funny Lives jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Lives? Well, here are the best Lives dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Lives pick up lines to share with friends.

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