I'm not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.
A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
It's where you ejaculate inside of an anus. i.e. create 6 million lives in a gas chamber.
He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
It's 90108 (for our lives to be over)
The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
The plane is going down and there are only two parachutes left.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "rabbi, we have both lived long and fulfilling lives, let's give the boy a parachute and we can flip a coin to decide who will get the last one."
The rabbi says, "fuck that 13 year old!"
The priest, asks, "do you think we have enough time?"
Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.
The poor bartender was crushed to death.
A USB.
"Rhino!"
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?
Now he's got 16 lives.
Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.
Don't be silly, Black Lives Matters protesters can't change anything.
Solid, liquid, gas, and black lives.
...because of course, the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls...
Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."
Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."
"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."
We now live in a one bedroom unit.
He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.
I'm not sure what scared him more; me being naked or me knowing where he lives.
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I know where he lives.
He said, "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?"
I stopped and said, "Do you?"
"Do I?" he hesitated, "Of course I do."
I said, "Get the fuck out my way then, I want to buy my lunch."
The steaks would be too high.
The tenth doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport
"Good morning, First time in Germany?"
"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"
"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"
"T-34, I was the gunner"
So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.
He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.
He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"
His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"
-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
A) High roller
B) Virgin mobile
C) Nun of the above
Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern tip of Connecticut. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the North wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
Lives in the White House.
One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it's actually a part of Belarus.
"Oh thank God!" the man exclaims. "I don't think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here."
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Lives? Well, here are the best Lives dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Lives pick up lines to share with friends.