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Lives Jokes

148 lives jokes and hilarious lives puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lives that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article reveals a folklore about the nine lives of cats, and explains why people in different countries believe cats have a much longer lifetime or lifespan than other animals. Learn why the concept of cats having nine lives is so popular, and how it's been shared among different cultures through the ages.

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Funniest Lives Short Jokes

Short lives jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lives humour may include short lived jokes also.

  1. North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media. When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
  2. Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Thank god I live in Canada
  3. My housemates are convinced our house is haunted I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.
  4. I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
  5. The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
  6. When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat Is a warm toilet seat
  7. A man crosses the mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family. Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.
  8. How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They're happy living in the dark
  9. Alligators can live up to 100 years... Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.
  10. A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

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Lives One Liners

Which lives one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lives? I can suggest the ones about living and loves.

  1. I put a black hole in my living room. It's great. Really pulls the room together.
  2. I threw a boomerang a few years ago I now live in constant fear
  3. Racism is like nickelback... I like to joke about it, but I never want to see it live.
  4. It turns out vaccines cause cancer. You'll actually live long enough to get it.
  5. From my 7-year-old: What room are zombie not allowed in? The living room.
  6. If I don't perfect Human Cloning... ...I won't be able to live with myself
  7. What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.
  8. What's the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag's a big plus.
  9. I saw a homeless man living in a tire today, so I popped it Now he lives in a flat
  10. I just found out that i have two weeks to live My wife just went on vacation
  11. Why did Bilbo Baggins live for so long? Because old Hobbits die hard...
  12. Male bees die after mating. That's basically their entire lives. Honey. Nut. Cheerio.
  13. Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.
  14. Why don't fairies live under toadstools? Because there's not mushroom!
  15. I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.

Cat 9 Lives Jokes

Here is a list of funny cat 9 lives jokes and even better cat 9 lives puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's the difference between a polygamist and a cat? A cat has 9 lives while a polygamist has 9 wives
  • How did the cat with 9 lives die instantly? It got ran over by a 3x3 truck.
  • The price of real estate in my neighbourhood has become so expensive only cats can afford it. You need 9 lives to pay it off.
    Ps - should this be in /showerthoughts?
  • Today I decided to play Mario as a cat. Because I would get 9 lives instead of 3.
  • What do you call a cat rights activist organisation? 9 lives matter!
  • If a cat has 9 lives, dogs have k9 lives.
  • Cats have 9 lives... But why not 10? I mean 9 is such an odd number.
  • Why is the Charleston church shooter a crazy cat person? Because he took 9 lives. (Too soon?)
  • Cats are great for testing because they have 9 lives.

Cat Nine Lives Jokes

Here is a list of funny cat nine lives jokes and even better cat nine lives puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • From my 7 year old nephew: What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.
  • In what way are cats and SEO the same? They both have nine lives (cause non-SEO people have always said it is dead)
  • What's the difference between a normal cat and a man from West Africa? One has nine lives and the other has nine wives
  • Where do cats go when all nine lives are up? Purrgatory!
    Ps: this joke works in French, Spanish, and Italian, as far as I'm aware.
  • Where do cats go once they have used up all nine of their lives? Purrgatory.
  • Cats Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
Lives joke, Cats

Risked Lives Jokes

Here is a list of funny risked lives jokes and even better risked lives puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • PSA: Remember to take risks this upcoming year and live with passion. Because hindsight is 2020, or so I've heard.
  • Wrestling is so s**... I can't believe people pay to watch people without pants risk their lives for a belt
Lives joke, Wrestling is so s**...

Cheerful Fun Lives Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy

What funny jokes about lives you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lifestyle jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lives pranks.

I had a terrible dream of a dystopian future where robots controlled every aspect of our lives.

Luckily, I was awakened by my Tesla.

So my friend lives in North Korea

And I asked him how it is there.
He replied "Well, I can't complain."

Three nuns at the pearly gates with St. Peter.

St. Peter tells the nuns, "since you've all dedicated your lives to God, we will let you go back and live as anyone you'd like to."
The first nun says, "I'd like to be Mother Theresa", and Peter says, "No problem."
The second nun says, "I'd like to return as Princess Diana", and Peter says, "Sure thing."
The third nun says, "I'd like to be Sarah Pippilini." St. Peter says, "I'm sorry sister but I don't know who that is." The nun holds up a newspaper and points to the headline.
St. Peter laughs and says, "No, no sister that doesn't say 'Sarah Pippilini'; it says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'."

Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Whats yellow and lives off dead beatles?

Yoko Ono

Be careful of your aim

A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" So she goes, "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

Don't b**... Your Mother

Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Elaine came to Bernie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:
*Dear Mom
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son
Bernie*
Several days later, Bernie received a response email from his Mom which read:
*Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Elaine, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mother*

Kill the Dragon

An evil and powerful dragon lives near a village.
It eats a v**... from the village every week.
No one can defeat it.
One day a hero comes and attempts to kill the dragon.
He finds that the dragon is too power to be defeated.
He decides to kill the dragon with intelligence.
Several months later, the dragon is starved to death.

A f**... rerun . . .

A f**... service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

A North Irish girl lives with her grandmother...

and they find that they are running very low on money. The girl tells her grandma,
"I'm going to head off south to find work, I'll come back with money. I promise."
The girl is gone for many months, and when she returns home she has tons of money! The grandmother is overjoyed and says,
"How did you make all this money, child?"
The girl says in a hushed voice, "Well, I was a p**... grandma."
The grandmother looked enraged, "What did you say?!"
"I was a p**..., grandma! I'm sorry."
The grandmother calms down, "Oh thank God! I thought you said you were a protestant!"

The Elusive Midget Nun

Two Eskimos, a big one and a little one, walk up to the convent door. The big one nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door.
The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big Eskimo nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question.
The little Eskimo timidly says, May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?
The Mother Superior answers, There are no midget nuns living here.
The big Eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question.
The little Eskimo asks in a quavering voice, Well, are there any midget nuns in Alaska?
The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, I know most of the nuns in Alaska and I don't believe so.
With this the big Eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. See, he says to the little Eskimo, I told you that you s**... a penguin!

Why are women so bad at parking?

Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...

... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.
The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."
The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.
The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle."
They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."
The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"

5 year old cousin with this one: Who lives in the green house?

Me: I don't know
Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house?
Me: The red guy
Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house?
Me: The blue guy
Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house?
Me: The yellow guy
Her: Who lives in the white house?
[Now since I've heard this "riddle" before, I knew the trick answer. I was ready to answer The President! when my uncle blurted out:]
The black guy!!

A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin

One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it's actually a part of Belarus.
"Oh thank God!" the man exclaims. "I don't think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here."

Three men compare how they control their wives...

Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."
The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."
The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."
The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.
"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you p**...!' "

A man enters a golfing tournament...

... but he is terrible at golf. However, an evil leprechaun lives at the golf course. He says to the man,
"I see you are terrible at golf, but I can help you win the tournament, if you agree to never marry."
The man agrees.
After he wins the tournament, the leprechaun asks for his name.
The man says:
"Father Smith" as he adjusts his priest's collar.
(A priest joke with 100% less p**...!)

During a f**......

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

A man lives on the 15th floor of an apartment.

One rainy Saturday afternoon he walks out onto his balcony and sticks his hand out over the edge to see if it's raining or not, and a glass eye falls into his hand. He looks up, and there is a gorgeous woman standing on the balcony above him, who apologises and says she was just leaning out to check the rain and her glass eye fell out. She asks him to bring it up the stairs to her, which he does immediately. To say thanks, she kisses him on the mouth. Mildly surprised, he asks, "Do you do that to every guy you meet?"
And she replies, "Only the ones that catch my eye."

My neighbour has had a record 44 concussions.

He lives very close to me.
A stone's throw away in fact
-StewartFrancis

Obedient husband

Little boy was curious why did his father do everything his mother asked, so one day he asked his dad: "Dad, why are you so obedient. None of other dads listen to their wife's like you."
Dad said: "Well, you see son, when you were born, your mother and I made a deal. If she would allow me to give you your name I would do anything she asks for the rest of our lives"
"Was it worth it, dad."
"It sure was, Goku."

Not proof-reading ruins lives

A husband wrote the following to his wife: "I'm having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

Three women sat discussing their husbands and their s**... lives.

"My husband's a wrestler," said the first. "He's really strong and aggressive in bed."
"My husband's an artist," said the second. "He's really gentle and sensitive."
"My husband's an IBM salesman," said the third. "He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I finally get it."

A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol

So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.
He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.
He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"
His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"
-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-

Nobody would show up to a "White Lives Matter" demonstration.

They all have to work.

There are four states of matter.

Solid, liquid, gas, and black lives.

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda

that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

A man passes away...

A man passes away and his f**... is set to be held in his hometown where one of his sons lives. The other, a wealthy businessman, unfortunately can't make it to the ceremony so instead he offers to pay for the entire thing. A few months later, the businessman is looking over his finances and notices a recurring bill of $120 a month. Confused, he called up his brother and asks him if he knows anything about it.
"Oh yeah" the brother replies. "Dad always wanted to go out in style so we rented him a tuxedo"

I hope college lives up to the hype

All my notebooks say "college ruled" so it must've been somewhat fun

What does Hillary Clinton use to drown the noise of Black Lives Matter protesters?

White noise

Cat with mental disorder

The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.
She now have 45 lives.

How many Black Lives Matters protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't be silly, Black Lives Matters protesters can't change anything.

My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing w**... on his cow farm. I told him it wasn't a good idea.

The steaks would be too high.

I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot?

Myself.

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport

He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport
"Good morning, First time in Germany?"
"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"
"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"
"T-34, I was the gunner"

TIL that 9/10 Doctors agree , drinking water is good for children

The tenth doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

Nine out of ten doctors suggest you drink water instead of soda.

The one that doesn't lives in Flint, Michigan.

I'm sitting in a bar having a drink ...

... and I see man fall down. I go over and pick him up. "Bartender, do you know where this man lives? I'll give him a lift home." He tells me where he lives. I grab the guy, pull him down to the car, put him in the car, he falls into the backseat. I get to the address, pull the man out, he falls down three more times, I pick him up each time. I knock on the door, his wife answers. I say "I brought your husband home." She says "Where's his wheelchair?"

Blue Guy lives in the blue house, red guy lives in the red house, purple guy lives in the purple house, orange guy...

Lives in the White House.

At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'

The poor bartender was crushed to death.

What's the difference between dark matter and Black Lives Matter?

Dark matter has the capacity to leave an impact on a system

Whats the difference between a seatbelt and a c**...?

One of them prevents lives being **lost** in an accident and the other prevents lives being **made** in an accident.

What's the similarity between a dead h**... and a cat?

They both have nein lives.

If the blue man lives in the blue house, the green man lives in the green house, and the red man lives in the red house, then who lives in the white house?

The orange man

In America, it's called Alt Right

In Germany, it's called "This is Why Grandpa Lives in Argentina"

Two women are discussing their love lives

Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."
Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."
"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."

What's white and ruins lives around the world?

Sugar.
You racist b**....

My neighbor's in the guinness book of records.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me, in fact it's just a stone's throw away.

Why are Japanese people so obsessed with healthy diets?

It's because they never want to see another Fat Man in their lives.

What do you call a wheelchair-bound nun who lives high up on a mountain?

A) High roller
B) v**... mobile
C) Nun of the above

My electricity bill was running suspiciously high

Had the power company send someone over. He found a wire tapped into my house running to a neighbor's. Watt do you know, a Joule thief lives next to my Ohm.

I scared my mailman by showing up at the door completely n**...

I'm not sure what scared him more; me being n**... or me knowing where he lives.

I don't get why people say that North Korea is bad

My friend lives there, and he can't complain about anything.

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"

"Rhino!"
"We know you know the answer, s**..., but it's not your turn."

"We're going to be together for the rest of our lives!" smiled my wife as we flew on our dream vacation to Hawaii...

"You seem pretty sure of yourself." I replied.
"I am!" she said, gazing out the window. "The left wing's fallen off and the engine's on fire."

m**... in the jungle

A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.

Life expectancy of AIDS patients can be 30-40 years.

No wonder all the africans want to get it, it could triple the length of their lives.

An artist lives next to a Marsh.

Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."

People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.

We now live in a one bedroom unit.

The teacher announces the total for an exam.

Teacher: Okay class, only John got 99/100
John:(to his classmates) Ha! See that?! You people are oozing with stupidity. You people should've followed my example. You guys should just shine shoes for a living or just live the rest of your lives as a mountain hermit. You can all drool at my excellence and you-
Teacher: The rest got 100.

We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills, it's 90210. But do you remember the one for Dawson's Creek?

It's 90108 (for our lives to be over)

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."

I think t**... is a bad name for a c**... brand...

...because of course, the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls...

Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?

What do you call a person who lives in a toilet?

A lieutenant.
I'll show myself out.

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Joey moves to a nudist colony

Joey moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of him in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He is extremely worried but then remembers that his grandmother's eyesight is poor and hopes that she doesn't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads
Dear Joey
Thank you for the picture. May I suggest that you get a haircut, your hair makes your nose look small.
Love Grandma

Black lives matter.

Unless you accelerate them to the velocity of light, then black lives energy.

What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn't native?

An artificial swedener
Badum tss.

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6

People often use fiction to escape into the lives of people who don't have to deal with the same problems as them.

For instance, whenever my parents are fighting, I like to read Batman comics.

There once was a cat that had 16 lives...

one day he got run over by a 4x4...and he died.

Both my grandparents were midgets

They struggled to put food on the table their whole lives

They had a Ginger Lives Matter protest today

There was not a soul.

Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we're made of atoms, we've never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.

I have a friend that lives just outside Chernobyl

After watching the TV Show he told me that he managed to count 14 historical inacuracies within the first 20 minutes... ...then he ran out of fingers.

What is brown, hairy, lives in the desert, has four legs, two humps, and is full of cement?

A camel - I put in the cement just to make it harder.

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!
So the Pope slapped him.

Lives joke, The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

jokes about lives