Liverpool Jokes

What are some Liverpool jokes?

TIL England doesn't have a kidney bank

But it does have a Liverpool

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies

1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies

1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool is in the Champions League's final

I just found out that UK doesn't have a kidney bank

but at least it has a Liverpool

What's the best thing about owning a car in Liverpool?

You'll eventually end up with enough bricks to build a free garage.

4 football fans were in a plane crash

They all survive, until one day. The barcelona fan dies. So the 3 remaining fans decide they should eat the part of him depending on what team they like.

The first guy likes Liverpool, so he got to eat the liver.

The second guy likes Manchester, so he got to eat the chest.

The third guy starts to cry.

Whats wrong? Asks the other 2.

I like Arsenal..


black man starts work on a construction site. The other workers nickname him "Wog".

Feeling upset by this, the black man goes to speak with the foreman. The foreman laughs and tells him, "But we all have nicknames. We've got Mick and Paddy, they're Irish. Wac from Liverpool. And Mack from Scotland".

The black man was still not happy, so the foreman shouted at his men, "Mick, Mack, Paddy, Wac leave the Wog alone!"

1978: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2005: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2018: UK's prince marries, Liverpool is in the Champions League final, and the Pope is cheering for Real Madrid like a madman.

Three tourists are having a drink in an expensive bar in Times Square

They're all astounded by the prices of the drinks.

One of the tourists says, "back in my favorite bar in Liverpool, every time you ordered a beer, you'd get another one on the house!"

The tourist from Ireland says, "that's impressive but back in my favorite pub in Dublin, every time you ordered a beer, you'd get a beer and a shot of whiskey on the house!"

Not to be outdone, the tourist from Poland says, "that's nothing. Back in Warsaw, not only were the drinks free but they took you to a room in the back where you had sex!"

The other two tourists are amazed, they say, "that's incredible! That really happened to you?"

The Polish tourist says, "well, not to me but to my sister."

Three cats live at the football stadium

It was lean pickings one winter but eventually they managed to catch a mouse and are discussing how they will divide it up.

The first cat says "as we live at the football stadium let's divide it by team. I support Liverpool so I will eat it's Liver

"Great idea" says the second cat "I support Hartlepool. I will eat the heart

The third cat says "I support Arsenal, I'm not that hungry thanks"

Four football players are stranded on a deserted island

One of them succumbs to dehydration and the others begin to panic about their own fates. The eldest of them nods grimly and proposes a solution.

"Lads," he says, "it's not nice, but we're going to have to cannibalise him if we want to survive. I play for Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."

The second footballer nods in agreement, "I'm from Manchester, so I'll eat his chest."

The third footballer frowns. "Well lads," he sighs, "I play for Arsenal... but I'm not hungry."

Why are wheelchair users fans of Liverpool FC?

Because they'll never walk alone.

A man from Egypt, a man from Paris and a man from Liverpool are all on a hot air balloon ride

The man from Egypt says "we're in Egypt! I can see the beautiful pyramids". A while later the man from Paris says "we're in Paris! I can see the Eiffel Tower from here". Next, the man from Liverpool spoke. He said "we're in Liverpool! I can see someone stealing my car!".

Four men are stuck on a desert island...

Four men are stuck on a desert island, but one of the men suddenly drops dead.

The remaining three men decides the best way to survive is that they eat his dead body, and that they should decide who gets what by which football team they support.

The 1st guy says: "I support Liverpool, so I should get the liver"

The 2nd dude says; "I support Manchester United, so I'll eat his chest"

The 3rd male human says: "I support Arsenal, and I think I've lost my appetite..."

Old but gold ;)

So Danny Ings is about to play his first game for Liverpool...

...Brendan Rodgers says: "We'll give you 45 minutes, then pull you off at half time."
Danny exclaims: "That's brilliant, we only used to get an orange at Burnley"

Some football fans are stranded in the woods

There are 3 of them.
One liverpool fan, one hartlepool fan and an arsenal fan.
They decide that they are going to need some food if they are to survive.
They set a trap and manage to capture a bear.
"We can't eat bear meat!" the arsenal fan shouts, "we're going to die if we don't" the liverpool fan replies, the hartlepool fan agrees with the liverpool fan.
They then decide how they are going to split the bear.
"I'll have the liver since I'm from liverpool" says the liverpool fan,
"I'll have the heart since I'm from hartlepool" says the hartlepool fan, and the arsenal fans shrieks "I'm not hungry".

I was driving through Liverpool when I got a flat tire...

I was driving through Liverpool when I got a flat tire, so I pulled up on the side of the road and got out to change it. While I was changing it, a stranger came over and opened my bonnet.

I asked "What are you doing?!"

"Well, if you're having the tires, I'm having the engine"

3 soccer players -

3 soccer players are lost in the desert. Ones plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenal. They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what? So the guy from Manchester says, well since I'm from ManCHESTer, i'll get the chest. The player from Liverpool goes, well in that case I'll eat the LIVER. Then guy from ARSEnal says...i'm not hungry....

1978: Wales win Grand Slam, Liverpool win European Cup, pope dies.

1981: Prince Charles marries, Liverpool win European Cup, pope shot.

2005: Prince Charles marries, Liverpool reaches Champions League semis, pope dies.

2018: Prince Harry marries, Liverpool reaches Champions League final, it's probably time to warn the pope.

I recently proposed to my girlfriend, who is from Liverpool. How did I know she was "the one"?

Because she stole my heart.

New routine

Recently my mate started doing his morning workout on the 5:30 service from Norwich to London Liverpool Street.

I asked him why.

He said, "no train, no gain".

A horse bolted and ran into Liverpool FC's training ground.

The horse charged wildly at the team as they were in the middle of training. None of the players were hurt, but it clipped Klopp.

What it would be like having one of his rivals not show up?

Was he a rival then?

Organ donators favorite football club....?

Liver-pool F.C ....!!!

I watched Liverpool in the Champions League Final on YouTube on Friday night, I thought YouTube only done funnies, Boy did they they come up with the goods that night.

Funniest thing I have ever seen.

Liverpool - Arsenal: Wenger brings on Arteta for Ozil...

Whoops. Wrong sub.

Liverpool FC

So my friend tells me that when he masturbates, he shouts, "Come on, Liverpool!" I told him that most wankers do.

Liverpool football club

Two managers negotiated to swap their players for a trade.

Cleveland Cavaliers agreed to trade JR Smith for keeping the ball to Liverpool FC for Loris Karius for passing the ball.

TIL Steven Gerrard is releasing a biography on his time at Liverpool

As of yet, the book has no title.

The Memory Man

A man from Liverpool, England was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.

"Who's he?" asked the Liverpudlian.

"That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he's ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out."

So the Liverpudlian goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?".

"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.

"Who did they beat?"

"Leeds" was the instant reply.

"And the score?"


"Who scored the winning goal?"

"Ian St. John" said the old man, without a hint of hesitation.

The Liverpudlian was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Native American, only this time he was older and even more wrinkled.

The Liverpudlian approached him with the greeting "How".

The Memory man looked up and said, "Diving header in the six yard box".

How to make Liverpool jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Liverpool to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Liverpool? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Liverpool pick up lines to share with friends.

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