lived Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious lived stories

What are the best Lived puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Lived? Well here is a complete list of Lived dad jokes:

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

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I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

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I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked…

I'm not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."

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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"

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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"

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An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail.

About 6 weeks later God reviews the lists and realizes that the engineer has been sent to the wrong place. So he rings up Lucifer and demands that the engineer be sent up. Lucifer says "NO WAY. This guy was the best thing to ever happen here. He's got the AC working, we have running water and cable now too, and next week he thinks we will get internet access and an ice cream machine." God is pissed and yelling says "I'll sue". Lucifer says "ya okay, but where are you going to get a lawyer?"

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The Quickie

Bob and Jen decided to have a little Sunday afternoon quickie but had to figure out what to do with their 10-year-old son since they lived in a small apartment. They cleverly thought to send him out on the balcony and have him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

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Confession...

An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Rimini Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... she started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."

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My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.

He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.

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The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB.

A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.

The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.

The Mossad goes next. They study the mummy for a month, and conclude: it was a pharaoh who ruled 1000 years BC, give or take 100 years.

The KGB team goes next. They hold the mummy for a week, and then come up with this: it was Pharaoh Ramenhotep the Second, born 1022 BC, became king after murdering his uncle, ruled for five years, on the third year of his reign the Nile flooded Luxor, on the fourth year the hittites attacked.

Everyone is perplexed: "How did you find all this out?"

"He confessed"

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Little Tony

Little Tony was sitting at a park bench eating candy bars. Sitting across from him on anither bench is a man. He walks over to Little Tony and says

"Don't you know you're gonna get fat eating that many candy bars?"

Little Tony says "Well my grandpa lived to be one hundred and four."

The man said "really, by eating six candy bars at a time?

Little Tony shakes his head and says

"No, he minded his own fucking business!"

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Sitting on a park bench

One day a kid was sitting on a park bench eating one candy bar after another.

An older man walks up and notices the young boy and says, "you shouldn't be eating all those candy bars, they aren't good for you."

The young boy looks at the man and replies, "did you know my grandad lived to be a 108 years old?"

The man replies, "well did he eat candy bars every day?"

And the kid replied, "no, he minded his own fucking business."

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My fav Aussie joke: An Aussie Virgin

A 40-year-old woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm going to need all the room 1 can get."

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scared the postman

i scared the postman today by showing up to the door completely naked.
im not sure what scared him more, the fact that i was naked, or that i knew where he lived

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A little boy was sitting on a park bench eating candy bars...

A little boy was sitting on a park bench eating candy bar after candy bar. A man sat down beside him and said, "You know you really shouldn't eat all those candy bars. They're bad for you." The little boy said, "My great grandpa lived to be 103". The man said, "Did he eat loads of candy bars?". The little boy said "No, he just minded his own fucking business".

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The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived

One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"

The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."

Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.

As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."

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A kid is sitting on the sidewalk eating candy

and next to him is a big bag full of nothing but candy, and hes just eating, and eating. A man passing by sees him and tells him, "Son, you shouldn't eat all that candy. It's not good for your teeth." The kid looks up at the man and says, "My grandfather lived to be 100." Surprised, the man asks, "Oh, he ate a lot of candy?" The kid replies, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

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Holy Moly! - What's that smell!?

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all lived in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole stuck his head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said: "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole stuck her head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tried to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but couldn't because of the bigger moles were in the way so he said: "Geez, all I can smell is..."

Are you sure you're ready?

You may never forgive me for this one...

*MOLASSES*

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(NSFW) Blind guy Jeffery

A woman was having a bath. Soon enough there was a knock on the door. She was still naked. She then shouts out, "Who is it?". "It's just me, Jeffery".

Jeffery was the blind guy who lived next door. "No harm if I actually go up naked he can't see anything anyways" she thought to herself.

She opens the door, to see Jeffery smiling. "I'm having a party at my house this evening" he says . She asks "What's the occasion?" " I had a successful surgery" Jeffrey said. Curiously she asked what was the surgery for?




He replies with a grin, "Eye transplant"

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My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.

Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.

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A blonde, a priest, a pilot and a student on a crashing plane

A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high schooler are all on a crashing plane.

There are only enough parachutes to save three of them, and the pilot is the first to jump out. He grabs a parachute and says, "I'm a pilot! People need me to fly planes!" and then jumps out.

The blonde is next to jump out. She grabs a parachute and says, "My hair won't look pretty if I'm dead!" and then jumps out.

The priest then says to the high schooler, "Son, I've lived my life to its fullest and I am surely ready to join God in heaven."

The high schooler then hands a parachute to the priest and puts another parachute on himself. The priest is shocked and asks the high schooler, "Oh Lord! Where did you find this extra parachute?"

The high schooler replies, "The blonde lady took my backpack!"

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The lonely woman

A woman lived alone for 30 years without a single date and had become very lonely. Out of desperation she put an ad in the newspaper asking for a man. The ad read as follows:

"I need a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is great in bed."

She submitted the ad and waited. A few days later her doorbell rang. She answered it and at her door was a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

She asked, "Can I help you?" The man replied, "I've come to answer your ad! As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't leave you!"

"Okay," said the woman, "Well how are you in bed?"

The man replied, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

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moles

Mama mole, papa mole, and baby mole all lived in a hole. One day, mama mole stuck her head out and sniffed the air.

"That's weird, I smell grape jelly."

Papa mole squeezes up beside her, sniffs around, and says, "That's funny, because i smell strawberry jam."

Baby mole wanted to sniff the air too, but was stuck behind mama and papa mole, so he said "That's strange, all I smell is molasses!"

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Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family

So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

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USSR jokes about America

My dad told me this one was a classic when he lived in the former Soviet Union:

So as you know, Russia and America would send spies against each other frequently. All American spies were mandated to learn Russian and all Russians English.

Well so, the American spy gets dropped off in the middle of Siberia. Freezing, he goes to the nearest house and knocks.

When the owner gets to the door, the spy says, "May I please have some shelter and food?"

The owner of the house replies, "..........YOU MUST BE SPY!"

The spy immediately is baffled and attempts to cover up, "What are you talking about?!"

"No black man speaks Russian!"

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A boy is sitting on a park bench eating candy bar after candy bar after candy bar...

And a jogger stops and says to the boy "Hey kid, you know it's bad for you to sit there eating candy bar after candy bar after candy bar right?" The kid replies "Hey Mister, my grandpa lived to be 97 years old!" The man says "Really? Did he sit there eating candy bar after candy bar after candy bar just like you?" The boy replies "No, but he minded his own fucking business! "

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Steve Irwin died how he lived

With animals in his heart

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Cold Cold Canada.

There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right smack dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says "Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.

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My British fathers signature Dadjoke

There once were two neighbouring farms, and the two farmers who lived there like many farmers would always adhere to their daily routine.

Every morning at 9 am after feeding all the livestock, they would arrive at their mailboxes at exactly the same time to collect their newspaper and have some smalltalk before heading back up the long road to their farms.

Farmer Brown :"Morning farmer Joe"

Farmer Joe : "Morning farmer Brown"

Farmer Brown : "I heard you had a sick cow last week"

Farmer Joe : "Oh I did all right, a very sick cow"

Farmer Brown : "Well what did you give it?"

Farmer Joe : "Turpentine"


and so they went on their way


A month or so goes by and they meet once again

Farmer Brown :"Morning farmer Joe"


Farmer Joe : "Morning farmer Brown"

Farmer Brown : "I had a sick cow yesterday and I tried turpentine like you said. It died."

Farmer Joe : "yeah mine too"

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Steve Irwin died as he lived

With animals in his heart.

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There was this guy living in Ireland who wanted to have the operation to become Irish

He had lived in Ireland for about 10 years and loved the place and its people so he went to the doctor and said he wanted to have the operation to become Irish.

The doctor warned him saying This is very dangerous, I have to remove half your brain .

The guy was very adamant and said he wanted to do it.

Next week he goes for surgery. After 5 hours he wakes up. He can see the doctor standing over him looking very worried.

The doctor says I am really sorry, the surgery went terribly wrong, I ended up having to remove your entire brain

The guy looks at him and replies Crickey mate, no worries!


-- as an Ozzy I love telling this to my Irish mates as they get really offended halfway through

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Three Elderly Sisters

There were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together.

One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.

The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"

The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister's shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.

Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

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A caring son

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!! " the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up. "

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to. "

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it. "

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset. "

"Don't be foolish! " the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he? "

"Under the wagon. "

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A priest, a lawyer, and a little kid are on a crashing plane...

There's only one parachute onboard. The priest says to the lawyer, "we've have lived our lives. This young boy has his whole life ahead of him. It only makes sense to give him the parachute." The lawyer responds, "Fuck the kid!" To which the priest replies, "You think we have time?"

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Baked Beans.

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

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A news reporter arrives at the house of the world's oldest man.

The man has just turned 115 years old. The reporter asks him "So, what would you say is the secret to your long life?" The man replies, "Well, I'd say that it has to do with my nature. I never argue with others, which I think has prevented a lot of stress." The reporter is baffled by this answer, and says, "Well, surely that can't be the only reason you've lived this long! Don't you think it has more to do with your diet or exercise regime?" The old man thinks about about it for a moment, and answers back, "You know, maybe you're right."

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GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.

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A kid is sitting on a bench, eating candy bars

When a man walks over and sits down on the bench next to the kid. He looks over with a disgusted look and says,

You know kid, you're gonna die really young if you eat that many chocolate bars.

To which the kid replies, Oh, well my grandpa lived to be 105.

Surprised, the man asks, Eating that many chocolate bars?

No, minding his own fucking business.

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Alabama VS. Mississippi

A man lived in Alabama. He moved to Mississippi. He raised the IQ in both states.

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A man wants to buy a dog...

A man wants to buy a dog. He sees an ad on Craigslist,
"Talking dog. Selling for $50"
The man, obviously not believing the ad, calls the owner and says he wants to see the dog. He goes to the house and the owner lets him in and tells him the dog is in the living room.
He goes into the living room, sees the dog and says, "So can you talk?"
The Dog says, "Not only can I talk, but I've lived an extraordinary life. I was an extra in many hollywood films, I was a bomb-sniffing dog in Iraq and I even went to Space as part of project for NASA."
The guy is stunned! He goes back into the kitchen where the owner is waiting and he says, "This dog is incredible, why are you selling him for 50 bucks!?!"
and the owner says, "Because he's a fucking liar!"

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Praying For Nothing?

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above:
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

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Frustration...

There was once a man who lived way out in the Sahara Desert, thousands of miles away from civilization, with only his faithfull camel and his tiny Oasis. One day the man got so frustrated that he decided that the time had come that he should fuck his camel. The camel, being a very tall creature, was out of the reach of the mans dick. So he decided to climb onto a dune and then do the camel. But every time his dick was ready, the camel would move and the man would fall. Discouraged, the man went back to his tent, only to hear the scream of a woman. He ran into the desert and saw a band of people readying themselves to rape the woman, he quickly pulled out his gun and fired a few shots into the air. This caused the band to get back into thier car and drive off. The man then went to the woman and asked if all was well.
She replied,"Oh, my hero, you saved me, I will do anything for you."
"GGGGREAT, the man replied,"will you please hold my camel a second"

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My Grandfather developed Cancer when he was younger

Some say he's the most evil scientist to ever have lived.

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The ultimate bargain.

The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."

"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?" The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."

"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"

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Made this joke up when my son was 3. Still his favorite

Once there were three fish who lived in a market. Their names were Red Fish, Blue Fish, and Green Fish.

One day the Red Fish said to the Blue Fish: "Hey, I think that Green Fish is stinky."

The Blue Fish said: "You're right, that Green Fish is stinky."

And the Green Fish said: "Sorry guys, I farted."

************


It's dumb, I know, but it still makes both of us laugh.

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Boy visits grandpa

...in the small town where grandpa has lived his whole life. Grandpa is taking him across the lake in a row boat, and points out a tall tower in the distance. Grandpa says, "see that tower? I built that tower! I laid every brick, and today it remains the tallest tower in the town and it's recognized as a historical landmark. But do they call me John the tower builder? No."
He keeps rowing, and points out a bridge near the mouth of a stream flowing into the lake. "See that bride? I built that bridge! For 5 years, I gathered every stone from a 3 miles radius, and people depend on it everyday. But do they call me John the bridge builder? No."
He keeps rowing, and gestures to the lake. "See this lake? I dug this lake! I labored with one shovel for 10 years, channelled the stream, and filled it with the trout that feed everyone. You think they call me John the lake digger? They don't. But, you fuck ONE GOAT...!"

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God enjoys a good laugh!!

(found on my FB newsfeed)

**There were three good arguments that Jesus was Black:**

* He called everyone brother;
* He liked Gospel;
* He didn't get a fair trial.

**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:**

* He went into His Father's business;
* He lived at home until he was 33;
* He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:**

* He talked with His hands;
* He had wine with His meals;
* He used olive oil.

**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:**

* He never cut His hair;
* He walked around barefoot all the time;
* He started a new religion.

**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:**

* He was at peace with nature;
* He ate a lot of fish;
* He talked about the Great Spirit.

**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:**

* He never got married;
* He was always telling stories;
* He loved green pastures.

**But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a woman:**

* He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food;
* He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it;
* And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

Can I get an AMEN!!

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CONCLUSION

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