lived Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious lived puns

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

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I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

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I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked…

I'm not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."

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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."

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I lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that I heard that made sense in English.

Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China.

The governor: Fine people...I don't know.

Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?

Farmer: I'm a farmer.

Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government?

Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced.

Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government?
Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course.

Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government.

Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask.

Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?

Farmer: I actually have two cows.

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A priest, a rabbi & a 13 year old boy are all on a plane

The plane is going down and there are only two parachutes left.

The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "rabbi, we have both lived long and fulfilling lives, let's give the boy a parachute and we can flip a coin to decide who will get the last one."

The rabbi says, "fuck that 13 year old!"

The priest, asks, "do you think we have enough time?"

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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"

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An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail.

About 6 weeks later God reviews the lists and realizes that the engineer has been sent to the wrong place. So he rings up Lucifer and demands that the engineer be sent up. Lucifer says "NO WAY. This guy was the best thing to ever happen here. He's got the AC working, we have running water and cable now too, and next week he thinks we will get internet access and an ice cream machine." God is pissed and yelling says "I'll sue". Lucifer says "ya okay, but where are you going to get a lawyer?"

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Chocolate is bad

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Guy: No, minding his own business.

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I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

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The Quickie

Bob and Jen decided to have a little Sunday afternoon quickie but had to figure out what to do with their 10-year-old son since they lived in a small apartment. They cleverly thought to send him out on the balcony and have him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

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A couple are in bed...

Laying in bed, a husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"

"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"

"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"

"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would have to."

"What about playing golf, would you play golf with him?"

"I love golf, so sure, I would play golf with him."

"Would he use my golf clubs?"

"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"

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Confession...

An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Rimini Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... she started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."

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Had a house party last night

...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"

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My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.

He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.

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My Wife won't like it

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"

"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.

"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive... I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"

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Typical Men

There onced lived a rich man who wanted desperately to get married. So in order to determine a suitable wife he selected 3 women who he found attractive and gave them each $10000 to do as they please. The first woman spent her $10000 on a makeover and went to the man. She said "i spent the money on me so that you might love me more".
The second woman went out and spent her money on expensive gifts for the man. She came back and said "I bought these gifts for you to show how selfless i am and that you might love me more".
The man was impressed.
The third woman took the money to the stock market and doubled the money she had. She then put the money in a joint account between her and the man. She returned to the man and said, "I have increased the money you have given me and placed it in a joint account so that you might love me more" The man was very impressed.
The man then married the woman with the biggest boobs.

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My friend told me this joke

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

"Under the wagon."

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A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...

Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.

Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.

Man : By eating chocolate?

Boy : No. By minding his own business.

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Dying of Lung Cancer

A man takes his father to the doctor.

At the office, the doctor tells the old man, "I'm sorry, sir, but you have lung cancer. You'll be dead in a year."

On the way home, the old man turns to his grief-stricken son and says, "Quit all that cryin'! I'm not depressed. I've lived 75 great years. How 'bout you and me go to my favorite bar and have a couple beers with my friends?"

So while the guys are having their beers, the old man breaks the news to his friends. "Fellas," he says, "I'll be dead in a year 'cause I got AIDS."

On the way home, his son asks, "Dad, why did you lie to your friends?"

His dad replies, "'Cause when I die, I don't want them trying to fuck your mother!"

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A child is sitting on a park bench, stuffing his face with candy. A middle-aged man walks by, and says to the boy with disgust...

..."Boy, you'll rot your teeth and your mind eating sweets like that."



The boy replies "well, my grandfather lived to 109."


"By eating candy like that?" asks the man.


"No," says the boy. "By minding his own fucking business."

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My grandpa told me this one!

One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."

An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam, raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Adam. Come up here, and I'll give you your $2."

As the teacher was giving Adam his money, she said, "You know, Adam, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." "I know, Miss," Adam replied, "in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.

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There once was a boy named Nate.

There once was a boy named Nate. He lived across the street from a lever, that if it were to be pulled, the world would end.

One day, Nate was bored, so he decided to cross the street and check out this world-ending lever. However, on his way across the street, a truck came speeding down.

This truck driver had two options. Either hit Nate and kill him, or swerve, and hit the lever, ending the world. Not wanting to end the world, the truck driver hit Nate, killing him instantly.

Moral of the story: Better Nate than lever.

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LAWYERS DON'T LIE

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.

He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent. He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, "How many children do you have?

He answered : "12 children.

The agent asked "Where are the others?'

The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the cemetery with their mother.

And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

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A guys dies and goes to heaven...

St. Peter is giving the guy a tour. They walk down a huge hallway filled with clocks.
"What are all these clocks for" the guy asked.
"Every person who has ever lived has a clock and every time they lie it ticks 1 second" St peter says
"So where is george washingtons clocks at the guy asked." St. peter points behind them and says
"It has only ever ticked 3 seconds." The guys then asked "where is Abraham Lincolns clock at." St peters points in front of them and says "it has never ticked a single second." The guy then asked "where Donald Trumps clock at" st peters say "oh, it is in jesus's office he is using it as a ceiling fan."

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5 people are in a plane that is about to crash.

The five people are:
-Trump
-Morgan Freeman
-Larry Page
-The Pope
-A schoolboy

There are only 4 parachutes.

Morgan freeman says that he is an entertainer of millions, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute.

Larry Page says that he founded Google, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute.

Trump says that he is the smartest man in America, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute.

There are only two people left, and one parachute. The Pope says "I have lived a long and happy life, you can take the parachute" to the schoolboy.

The schoolboy replies "no, it's OK, we can both go, the smartest man in America took my backpack!"

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My 2nd Parrot joke!

A woman goes to a pet store and buys a parrot. Before she leaves the owner warns her that the Parrot had previously lived in a brothel and might have picked up some salty language. When she gets the bird home he looks around and says "New house."
She puts the bird down in the house and the parrot observes her for a moment before saying "New Madam."
The woman shrugs and thinks that it's not so bad.
Shortly after the woman's two daughters return from school and see the new pet. The Parrot looks at them and says "New girls."
Then her husband comes home from work and the parrot looks over at him and says: "Hi Bill."

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A lady sees a beautiful parrot at a petstore for $1

She asks, "Why is this parrot so cheap?"

The petstore clerk explains, "This parrot lived in a whorehouse until three months ago. He has a filthy mouth."

The lady takes pity on the parrot and buys him. She takes him home and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, a new whorehouse!"

Her two daughters walk in and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, two new whores!"

Her husband walks in and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, Bob, I haven't seen you in three months!"

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Father Joseph, a missionary, was touring the African village in which he lived, when suddenly a man came up to him.

"Father Joseph!" the man demanded. "Everyone is black in this village, but my son was recently born white! You are the only white man within 200 miles! Explain yourself!"

Father Joseph sheepishly answered, "Now, uh, don't judge too harshly," and pointed towards the goats. "You see, goats are normally white and that one was born black! It's just one of nature's mysteries that you have to accept."

"Oh, I understand, Father Joseph," the black man said. "I stop talking about the white child, and you stop talking about the black goat, OK?"

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Mother Teresa lived to 87. Do you know how much sex she had in all those years?

Nun.

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A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar....

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Kid: No, minding his own business.

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The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB.

A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.

The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.

The Mossad goes next. They study the mummy for a month, and conclude: it was a pharaoh who ruled 1000 years BC, give or take 100 years.

The KGB team goes next. They hold the mummy for a week, and then come up with this: it was Pharaoh Ramenhotep the Second, born 1022 BC, became king after murdering his uncle, ruled for five years, on the third year of his reign the Nile flooded Luxor, on the fourth year the hittites attacked.

Everyone is perplexed: "How did you find all this out?"

"He confessed"

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A little boy and an old man are sitting on a park bench...

...The little boy unwraps a candy bar and eats it. Then he eats a second one. And a third, fourth and fifth.

The old man, watching this, says "You shouldn't be eating so many candy bars. You will ruin your teeth and get fat."

The little boy responded, "My Grandfather lived to be 102 years old."

The old man replied "Did your Grandfather eat 5 candy bars every day?"

The little boy said, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

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Little Tony

Little Tony was sitting at a park bench eating candy bars. Sitting across from him on anither bench is a man. He walks over to Little Tony and says

"Don't you know you're gonna get fat eating that many candy bars?"

Little Tony says "Well my grandpa lived to be one hundred and four."

The man said "really, by eating six candy bars at a time?

Little Tony shakes his head and says

"No, he minded his own fucking business!"

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I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

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Elderly Woman and Her Cat

An elderly woman sitting on her porch, petting her beloved cat. A genie walks up her sidewalk. "Ma'am, you have lived a happy and simple life, I wish to grant you three wishes."

The woman smiles, "Oh, I have to think, well, I would like to be 18 again." The genie nods his head and she transforms into her 18 years old self. "I would like lots of money!" she wishes. He nods again and piles of gold and coins pile all beside her. The woman stops, "My cat here has been loyal and sweet, could you turn him into a young, handsome man?" The genie nods his head a third time and disappears. Turning around she sees a young man, fit, gorgeous and perfect.

"Why hello" she says coyly. He looks at her, "Don't look at me, you had me neutered."

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A man sits down on a park bench...

and sitting next to him is a small boy eating chocolate bar after chocolate bar. The man turns to him and says, "It's probably not that healthy to eat so much chocolate." The boy stares at the man and eats another piece of chocolate. After swallowing, the boy says, "My grandfather lived to be 110 years old." The man asks, "How did he do that? Did he eat a lot of chocolate too?" The boy replies with, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

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An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country...

He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me....Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the Yams and Potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

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I greeted the mailman at the door naked

He freaked out. Not so much because of my appearance, more because I knew where he lived.

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A Jewish joke my Jewish grandfather sent me.

One day at kindergarten the teacher said she would give anyone 10 dollars if they could tell her who the most famous man who ever lived.

A little Irish boy said, "It was St. Patrick!"
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry Sean, but no."

A young Scottish boy said, "It was St. Andrew!"
The teacher replied, "Sorry Hamish, but that is not correct."

Finally, a young Jewish boy named Marvin raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher replied, "Yes Marvin, that is correct! Come up here and I will give you your 10 dollars!"

As Marvin was being paid, the teacher said, 'You know, you being Jewish and all, I never thought you would say 'Jesus Christ.'"

Marvin replied, "Well, I know in my heart i knew it was Moses, but business is business."

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Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

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Brad Pitt, Donald Trump, an old man, and a young boy are flying on a plane that's about crash but there are only 3 parachutes.

Brad Pitt, grabbing a parachute, says: "I'm sorry, guys. My kids need me, my fans need me, I'm outta here." He jumps.

Donald Trump says: "I'm sorry, too, but I'm going to be the smartest president to ever govern the United States." He jumps.

Finally, the old man says to the boy: "You know what? I lived my life to the fullest, now it's your turn. Go ahead and take the last parachute." The boy looks at the man and responds: "There's no need for that. The smartest president ever just took my school bag."

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Sitting on a park bench

One day a kid was sitting on a park bench eating one candy bar after another.

An older man walks up and notices the young boy and says, "you shouldn't be eating all those candy bars, they aren't good for you."

The young boy looks at the man and replies, "did you know my grandad lived to be a 108 years old?"

The man replies, "well did he eat candy bars every day?"

And the kid replied, "no, he minded his own fucking business."

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A boy was eating chocolate...

A boy was sitting in a park eating a bar of chocolate. After finishing it, he opened another one and started eating that too. Then the man sitting next to him said

"Do you know that you're damaging your teeth there son?"

"My grandfather lived for a 132 years" the boy replied.

"Was it because of eating chocolate?" the man asked curiously

"No. He knew how to mind his own business."

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An angel and a man

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth."
Reflecting on his life, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom."
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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My fav Aussie joke: An Aussie Virgin

A 40-year-old woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm going to need all the room 1 can get."

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scared the postman

i scared the postman today by showing up to the door completely naked.
im not sure what scared him more, the fact that i was naked, or that i knew where he lived

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The lion and the fox

A lion and his wife lived in a cave, and everyday there was this fox who would come sit in front of the cave and start making fun of the lion and teasing him: "You call yourself a king? You're nothing but a pussy who's afraid of his own shadow. If you're a real lion come out here and fight me! Oh, you think you're so fierce, you sissy!". The lion's wife would get so annoyed "Why are you letting him get away with this? If you're not gonna do something about this, I WILL!", and the lion would say "Just ignore him, he's a freaking fox, he's not worth it, just let it go".

One day, she felt that she couldn't take it anymore, and decided to handle the situation by herself. She came out of the cave and started running after the fox. The fox ran and ran, but the lioness was close on his heel. He entered a pipe and got out on the other end. When she tried to get in, she got stuck, so the fox came from behind and fucked her in the ass.

The lioness went back to the cave, angry and frustrated. The lion looked at her and said: "So... He took you to the pipe didn't he.."

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If you haven't had a vagina around your neck...

You haven't lived.

Happy Mother's Day!

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A little boy was sitting on a park bench eating candy bars...

A little boy was sitting on a park bench eating candy bar after candy bar. A man sat down beside him and said, "You know you really shouldn't eat all those candy bars. They're bad for you." The little boy said, "My great grandpa lived to be 103". The man said, "Did he eat loads of candy bars?". The little boy said "No, he just minded his own fucking business".

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A smoker is having a smoke outside a bar when he is approached by an older non-smoker...

"that's a horrible habit" says the non smoker.

"My grandmother lived to 94" he replies.

"And did she smoke?"

"No, she minded her own fucking business."

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Little Timmy lived in Flint

But little Timmy is no more

For what he thought was H2O

Was PbSO4

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A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

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"your happiest memory..."

TV crew is shooting a reality series in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview this older man, John, who had lived there all his life. They ask him all sorts of questions, when finally the reporter says: "John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life..."

- John: well, this one time Ed's donkey got lost in the woods, a group of us went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all had sex with the donkey.

- reporter, turning red: what? cut! cut! cut! John, we cannot air something like that! Do you not have another happy memory?


- John: well, this one time Waldo's wife got lost in the woods, a group of us went up and searched for her. When we found her, we were so happy that we all had sex with her.


- reporter, stupefied: cut! cut! cut! For Christ's sake John... you will get me fired. Never mind your happy memories... Why do you not tell us your saddest memory instead?

- John: well, this one time, I got lost in the woods...

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A Norwegian Love Story

Max and Arlene lived by a lake in Norway. It was early winter and the lake had frozen over.

Max asked Arlene if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to get him some beer. She asked him for some money but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab."

So Arlene walked across, got the beer at the general store, and walked back home across the lake. When she got home and gave Max his beer, she asked him, "Max, you always tell me not to run up the tab at the store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Max replied, "I wasn't sure how thick the ice was yet."

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The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived

One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"

The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."

Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.

As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."

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There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.....

There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.

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A man sees a boy smoking and drinking

A man walks home late at night, and suddenly saw an 8-year old boy with a smoking cigarette, drinking from a half-empty bottle of scotch. Outraged, he screams at the kid:

"What the hell are you doing? Those things are very bad for you health, and you're far too young to even consider this!"

"My grandfather lived to 100 years", - replies the kid nonchalantly.

"Err, and did he smoke and drink all the time?" - asks the confused man.

"No, he always minded his own business".

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A kid is sitting on the sidewalk eating candy

and next to him is a big bag full of nothing but candy, and hes just eating, and eating. A man passing by sees him and tells him, "Son, you shouldn't eat all that candy. It's not good for your teeth." The kid looks up at the man and says, "My grandfather lived to be 100." Surprised, the man asks, "Oh, he ate a lot of candy?" The kid replies, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

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(NSFW) Blind guy Jeffery

A woman was having a bath. Soon enough there was a knock on the door. She was still naked. She then shouts out, "Who is it?". "It's just me, Jeffery".

Jeffery was the blind guy who lived next door. "No harm if I actually go up naked he can't see anything anyways" she thought to herself.

She opens the door, to see Jeffery smiling. "I'm having a party at my house this evening" he says . She asks "What's the occasion?" " I had a successful surgery" Jeffrey said. Curiously she asked what was the surgery for?




He replies with a grin, "Eye transplant"

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Holy Moly! - What's that smell!?

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all lived in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole stuck his head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said: "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole stuck her head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tried to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but couldn't because of the bigger moles were in the way so he said: "Geez, all I can smell is..."

Are you sure you're ready?

You may never forgive me for this one...

*MOLASSES*

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My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.

Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.

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A woman adopted a foul-mouthed bird because he was so beautiful and she thought he could be retrained.

The shelter told her the bird lived in a whorehouse for the last decade. When her husband's car pulled in the drive, she dreaded what the bird would say to him. The bird looked at the husband and said, "Hi Phil, welcome back."ο»Ώ

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A blonde, a priest, a pilot and a student on a crashing plane

A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high schooler are all on a crashing plane.

There are only enough parachutes to save three of them, and the pilot is the first to jump out. He grabs a parachute and says, "I'm a pilot! People need me to fly planes!" and then jumps out.

The blonde is next to jump out. She grabs a parachute and says, "My hair won't look pretty if I'm dead!" and then jumps out.

The priest then says to the high schooler, "Son, I've lived my life to its fullest and I am surely ready to join God in heaven."

The high schooler then hands a parachute to the priest and puts another parachute on himself. The priest is shocked and asks the high schooler, "Oh Lord! Where did you find this extra parachute?"

The high schooler replies, "The blonde lady took my backpack!"

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An old mans walks into the church

he approaches the secretary and says "excuse me but I'd like join the fuckin' church"
the flabbergasted secretary says "excuse me sir, but we do not use that kind of language here"
The old man replies "look lady I don't wanna hear no shit, I just wanna join the fuckin' church"
The pastor hears the commotion and comes outside to investigate, he sees the man and says "what seems to be the trouble?" The old man looks at him and says "look, I've lived my whole life being terrible to others, I've made billions of dollars but now I want to get some fucking religion before I die"
Pastor says, "Is this cunt giving you a hard time?"

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Little Tony was sitting on a park bench

munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.

Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

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The lonely woman

A woman lived alone for 30 years without a single date and had become very lonely. Out of desperation she put an ad in the newspaper asking for a man. The ad read as follows:

"I need a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is great in bed."

She submitted the ad and waited. A few days later her doorbell rang. She answered it and at her door was a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

She asked, "Can I help you?" The man replied, "I've come to answer your ad! As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't leave you!"

"Okay," said the woman, "Well how are you in bed?"

The man replied, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

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Steve Irwin died the way he lived.

With animals in his heart.

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So a fisherman and his wife...

...have lived together in a modest home for years now. Every morning the man wakes up before sunrise to go fishing without fail. One morning he sees a storm has rolled in and the sea is violent, he decides for the first time in in years not to fish.

He makes his way back to home through the rain and lightning. He slowly slides back into bed with his wife. When he finally gets all tucked in, his wife whispers "I glad you're back" to which the fisherman replies "Me too". The peaceful silence that followed was interrupted by a loud crack of thunder. The wife whispers "Can you believe my husband is fishing in this shit?"

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I freaked out my mailman today

I freaked out my mailman today when I came to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what shocked him more, my naked body, or the fact that I knew where he lived.

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I scared my mailman by showing up to the door completely naked.

Not sure what scared him more; my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

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My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, "What would the world be like without theater?"

One of her students replied, "Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer."

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How to Live a Long Life

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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Nuns At The Pearly Gates

Three nuns die in a tragic station wagon accident. They find themselves in line at the pearly gates, where St. Peter looks in his book and then down to the first nun.

"Sister, I see you've lived a good life. But, you once touched a penis with your right hand. Before you can enter heaven, you must wash that hand in the purifying fountain there."

Up hearing this, the third nun cuts in line, jumping ahead of nun #2.

St. Peter inquires, "Sister, why have you cut ahead of your fellow nun in line?"

The demure old woman snappily replied, "Well, Peter, you're crazy if you think I'm gonna gargle from that fountain after she puts her ass in it!"

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Ole and Sven

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"why sure," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "where ya from?"

"Norway," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norway too! Let's have another round to Norway."

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Norway are ya from?"

"Bergen," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have another drink to old Bergen."

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "So, where did you live?"

"On a boat, at the fishin' docks," replies the second man.

"Dis is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at the fishin' docks, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's up?," he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are getting drunk again."

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My great-grandmother lived to be 106 and never needed glasses.

She always just drank straight from the bottle.

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moles

Mama mole, papa mole, and baby mole all lived in a hole. One day, mama mole stuck her head out and sniffed the air.

"That's weird, I smell grape jelly."

Papa mole squeezes up beside her, sniffs around, and says, "That's funny, because i smell strawberry jam."

Baby mole wanted to sniff the air too, but was stuck behind mama and papa mole, so he said "That's strange, all I smell is molasses!"

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Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family

So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

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USSR jokes about America

My dad told me this one was a classic when he lived in the former Soviet Union:

So as you know, Russia and America would send spies against each other frequently. All American spies were mandated to learn Russian and all Russians English.

Well so, the American spy gets dropped off in the middle of Siberia. Freezing, he goes to the nearest house and knocks.

When the owner gets to the door, the spy says, "May I please have some shelter and food?"

The owner of the house replies, "..........YOU MUST BE SPY!"

The spy immediately is baffled and attempts to cover up, "What are you talking about?!"

"No black man speaks Russian!"

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A boy is sitting on a park bench eating candy bar after candy bar after candy bar...

And a jogger stops and says to the boy "Hey kid, you know it's bad for you to sit there eating candy bar after candy bar after candy bar right?" The kid replies "Hey Mister, my grandpa lived to be 97 years old!" The man says "Really? Did he sit there eating candy bar after candy bar after candy bar just like you?" The boy replies "No, but he minded his own fucking business! "

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The City-Slicker and the Farmer

One year, a man who lived in the city decided to try his hand at deer hunting. He bought all the the necessary equipment, a license, and a rifle and headed out to the gamelands a good distance away from the city.

After a full day's hunting, the man spots a gorgeous buck and manages to make a clean shot. The deer runs for awhile and drops dead right in a farmer's yard. When the man goes to retrieve the deer the farmer meets him and claims that the deer is now his because it's on his land. "What are you talking about?! It took me all day to take this buck!"

The farmer looks at the man, who is obviously from the city. "Tell you what. We'll compete for it. We'll take turns kicking each other in the nuts until one of us gives up. The winner gets the deer." The man, not wanting to go home empty handed, timidly agrees.

The farmer immediately hauls back and lands a kick right in the man's groin, collapsing him. The man writhes in pain on the ground for about a minute and slowly stands up. "Okay, my turn."

The farmer says, "Nah that's ok. You can have the deer." He turns around and walks back into his house.

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I asked a beautiful homeless girl if I could taker her home with me.

She said, "Yes!" With a big smile... But that quickly changed when I walked away with the cardboard box that she lived in.

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Steve Irwin died how he lived

With animals in his heart

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The Fish Princess and the Commoner Crab

Once upon a time, in the undersea kingdom, there lived a fish princess. This fish princess had fallen in love with a peasant crab.

When her father, the fish king, found out about their affair he forbade her to ever see him again. When she asked him why he replied "No daughter of mine will consort with a lowly sideways-walking crab!"

Devastated, but with no other choice, the fish princess goes to her crab and delivers the news. "My father says we can't be together," she tells him, "he says you're a lowly side-walker, and that I'm forbidden to see you." The crab, crushed by the news, turns and sadly walks away - sidewise, of course.

That night there was a gala ball at the fish palace. All the nobility of the undersea kingdom was there in attendance including, of course, the fish king and princess. Then, at the very height of festivities, the doors to the ballroom suddenly burst open... and there was the crab.

The entire room burst into excited whispers, all the attendees having heard the rumor of the princess' affair with a side-walking commoner. To their surprise, however, before their very eyes, the crab took one step forward... then another step forward... and another... walking forward down the red carpet toward the king on his throne.

As the crab approached the king the room went silent in anticipation. The crab looked the king square in the eye... opened his mouth... and slurred "I am soooooo super drunk right now."

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Monastery of Silence

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said,
"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you
like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5
years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the
Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that
the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
Mary Katherine into his office. "Again, you may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch
since you got here."

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Cold Cold Canada.

There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right smack dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says "Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.

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New supermodel in the apartment complex.

So a man who has lived in this particular apartment complex for a few years goes to get his mail and he notices an absolutely breathtaking woman getting her mail. He realizes she must have recently moved in because he has never seen her before. He makes small talk with her and they start flirting, and they are both immediately sexually attracted to each other. She begins to tell him all the things she wants to do to him, and they feel the need to leave the mail room, so she says "I hear somebody coming. Let's go to my room, and hang out." Well they go to her apartment, and she says that she needs to slip into something a little more comfortable. A few minutes go by, anticipation keeps building up. Well she comes out in some lingerie and he is speechless. She asks him "What part of my body impresses you the most?" And he starts stuttering and finally says "Well there is a lot about you that impresses me, but the part of your body that impresses me the most is your ears." She has no clue how to react. She says "Are you kidding me? I have been on the cover of Vogue magazine, and my body is insured for millions of dollars. Why in gods name would my ears impress you the most?" and he says "Well back in the mail room, you said you heard somebody cumming, and that was me."

Note: My calculus professor would tell a pretty crude joke everyday when I took his class last quarter and this was one of the jokes. Gave me a good laugh.

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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because if they lived in pepper water they would sneeze

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My British fathers signature Dadjoke

There once were two neighbouring farms, and the two farmers who lived there like many farmers would always adhere to their daily routine.

Every morning at 9 am after feeding all the livestock, they would arrive at their mailboxes at exactly the same time to collect their newspaper and have some smalltalk before heading back up the long road to their farms.

Farmer Brown :"Morning farmer Joe"

Farmer Joe : "Morning farmer Brown"

Farmer Brown : "I heard you had a sick cow last week"

Farmer Joe : "Oh I did all right, a very sick cow"

Farmer Brown : "Well what did you give it?"

Farmer Joe : "Turpentine"


and so they went on their way


A month or so goes by and they meet once again

Farmer Brown :"Morning farmer Joe"


Farmer Joe : "Morning farmer Brown"

Farmer Brown : "I had a sick cow yesterday and I tried turpentine like you said. It died."

Farmer Joe : "yeah mine too"

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Steve Irwin died as he lived

With animals in his heart.

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Three Irishmen

Three Irishmen are walking home after a night at the pub. They're all a bit pissed, and decided to take the shortcut through the churchyard. As they pass the gravestones, one Irishman says to the others, "Look at this, boys. Ol' Patrick Flannigan lived 'til 85". Another of the men says, "Ah, that's nothing. Davie O'Toole is buried here. He lived to be 97." The third Irishman says, "Ah, they were kiddies compared to this old bastard. He lived to be 134." The others are shocked and one asks, "What was his name?" The third Irishman replies, "Miles, from Dublin."

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There was this guy living in Ireland who wanted to have the operation to become Irish

He had lived in Ireland for about 10 years and loved the place and its people so he went to the doctor and said he wanted to have the operation to become Irish.

The doctor warned him saying This is very dangerous, I have to remove half your brain .

The guy was very adamant and said he wanted to do it.

Next week he goes for surgery. After 5 hours he wakes up. He can see the doctor standing over him looking very worried.

The doctor says I am really sorry, the surgery went terribly wrong, I ended up having to remove your entire brain

The guy looks at him and replies Crickey mate, no worries!


-- as an Ozzy I love telling this to my Irish mates as they get really offended halfway through

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A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

There lived a Jedi known as Luke Skywalker. Luke was a mighty warrior, and quite the ladies man. His use of his 'lightsaber' attracted the eye of the beautiful Princess Leah. Luke wooed the Princess, and they fell in love. All was great in the world, until Han Solo, the ex lover of Princess Leah, filled Luke in on a little secret. Princess Leah is Luke's sister! Luke was obviously distraught! Freaking out, he went to find his master, Obi Wan Kenobi. Luke said to him, "Master Obi Wan! My beautiful wife is my sister! What do I do?!"
Master Kenobi, keeping his cool, looked his apprentice in the eye and said, "Luke, use divorce."

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Three Elderly Sisters

There were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together.

One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.

The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"

The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister's shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.

Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

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Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...

St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed suicide so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."

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A caring son

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!! " the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up. "

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to. "

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it. "

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset. "

"Don't be foolish! " the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he? "

"Under the wagon. "

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So I was walking through rural Georgia when...

...I passed a little lady with white hair and deep wrinkles sitting on her front porch who waved to me. I decided to amble up, say hello, and see if I could determine the secret to her longevity.

She told me her name was Ida and that she'd lived in this house her whole life, just as her parents and grandparents had. I asked her what she ate on an average day, and she told me:

"Every morning when I wake up, I eat a breakfast of half a pound of bacon, four eggs fried in the bacon lard, hash browned potatoes, and cheese grits. Lunch, I mostly have chicken-fried steak smothered in sausage gravy, and for dinner I like to have BBQ rack of ribs with some apple cobbler for dessert."

"Wow, that's quite an appetite. Do you drink alcohol?"

"Hell yeah. I have a six pack when I wake up, a fifth of whiskey in the afternoon, and a few bottles of moonshine after the sun goes down, then a shot of blackberry brandy before bed to settle my nerves."

"How about smoking?"

"Well, I'm down to two packs a day now. I smoke reefer on the weekends, and like a cigar with my brandy before bed."

I was bowled over. "Amazing, Ida, I've never met anyone like you where I'm from. Can I ask exactly how old you are?"

"Sure, I'm twenty-nine."

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The Princess and the Knights

In a kingdom long ago, there lived a beautiful princess. Many suspected that she was involved sexually with the knights of the castle. The king dismissed these rumors but as time wore on, they seemed more and more frequent. One day, the king grew suspicious enough of his knights and so he devised a plan. He placed a knife inside the princess' vagina and waited until the next morning. At dawn, the king called in his three most loyal knights- Lancelot, Gawain, and Percivale- and commanded them to drop their pants one by one. Sir Percivale did so, and revealed his sliced member. He was executed on the spot. Sir Gawain did the same, and revealed his cuts and was executed as well. However, when Lancelot dropped his pants, his member was completely intact with no marks at all. "Incredible", said the King. "You truly are the most loyal of all my knights. Whatever you desire will be yours". Alas, Sir Lancelot was speechless.Β 

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Atheist paradox

An Atheist and a Christian both die and much to the atheists surprise they both find themselves at the pearly gates. They had both lived equally immoral lives; eating animals, judging people and living selfishly. St peter says "right Atheist come on in. Christian you're off to hell."
"But why?" begs the Christian. "We lived equally yet I believed there was a God" he cries indignantly. St Peter replies...

"Well then you should have known fucking better".

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A priest, a lawyer, and a little kid are on a crashing plane...

There's only one parachute onboard. The priest says to the lawyer, "we've have lived our lives. This young boy has his whole life ahead of him. It only makes sense to give him the parachute." The lawyer responds, "Fuck the kid!" To which the priest replies, "You think we have time?"

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My wife and I lived happily for 20 years.

Then we met.

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An old man lives in a retirement home

Unfortunately, he often would feel lonely, so he decided to enter into a casual relationship with a lady friend who lived a few rooms over. Seeing as how they were both super old, neither had much of a sex drive, nor the physical prowess required to engage in the act of love-making. Instead, some nights his lady friend would come to his room and simply hold his cock in her hand while they watched TV. One night she decided to surprise him by going over on a night she normally did not, but upon arrival she was horrified to see him laying in bed with another woman who was holding his cock while they watched TV. "Oh my god I cannot believe you! You are such an asshole and the absolute worst human being in the world! What do you have to say for yourself? What could that bitch possibly have that I don't?" The old man calmly turned to look at her and replied, "Parkinson's."

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Potato Patch

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Fred

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Fred

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Two twins were separated at birth

One of them lived in Cuba, and was named Juan. The other lived in Egypt, and was named Jamal.
10 years after their birth, their birth mother was sent a picture of one of the twins. "I wish I could see the other one," she said. The adoption mother then said,
" If you've seen juan, you've seen jamal."

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Bang !

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103, leaving behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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Baked Beans.

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

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Little Johnny gets on a bus eating a chocolate bar *NSFW*

Bus driver: you know you shouldn't eat chocolate all the time

Johnny : my grandfather lived to be 94

Bus driver : and he did that by eating chocolate every day?

Johnny : no, by minding his own fucking business

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A man's dog dies

A fine elderly Catholic gentleman lived alone in Southwest Florida in an upscale gated community except for his beloved dog that he had for a long time.


The dog finally died and the gent went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dear dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"


Father Patrick told the grief stricken man "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a Baptist church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."


The old fellow said "I'll go right now. Thank you Father...By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"


Father Patrick replied
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

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A new southerner in town.

So a man who lived in the north moved to the south to become a farmer so he packed up and moved to the south to start a farm. To start out he had to find a rooster for his farm, so he went the town and went into the store that sold rooster. He went up the clerk and asked for a rooster, but the cashier told him that they call them cocks there, so he took the cock and remembers that he will need a chicken for his farm so he went to the same store and asked for a chicken, but the cashier told him that they call them pullets so he took the pullet and left. Last he remembered he would need a donkey for his farm so he went to the same store and asked the store clerk for a donkey, but like the other times the cashier told him that they call them asses there, but to make the ass move you had to slap them. So he took the ass and started to walk up the street but his hands were too full so he looked at the nearest person to him and asked "Can you hold my cock and pullet while I slap my ass?"

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A news reporter arrives at the house of the world's oldest man.

The man has just turned 115 years old. The reporter asks him "So, what would you say is the secret to your long life?" The man replies, "Well, I'd say that it has to do with my nature. I never argue with others, which I think has prevented a lot of stress." The reporter is baffled by this answer, and says, "Well, surely that can't be the only reason you've lived this long! Don't you think it has more to do with your diet or exercise regime?" The old man thinks about about it for a moment, and answers back, "You know, maybe you're right."

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[Dirty] A woman was jogging down the beach.

A woman was jogging down the beach as she spots this man alone heavily crying.

She stops and asks the man "What's wrong?"

The man sobs "Well to start off, I've lived my whole life without arms or legs and my doctor told me I only have a few months left to live."

She replies "I'm very sorry to hear that" as she notices he really doesn't have any arms or legs, "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"

The man states "Well there is one thing, I've never had a real kiss from a woman."

So the woman leans over to kiss the man and he stops crying. They chat for a few minutes until the man starts crying again.

The woman then asks him "What's wrong now?"

"Well I also haven't been fucked in my life," the man replies.

So the woman jogs to the dock while carrying the man on her back.

The woman then throws him off the edge of the dock screaming "WELL YOU'RE FUCKED NOW!"

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The secret to long life.

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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Kids will be kids

So a kid is eating this bag of candy his dad gave him. Just going to town on it. This stranger walks up to him and says: hey kid - eating that much candy is bad for you...it can lead to obesity and tooth decay to name a few things.

The kid unimpressed looks at him and says: it's funny you say that because my grandfather lived until 107 years old

The stranger perplexed asks how did he manage that

To which the kid answers back: By minding his own fucking business

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Two brothers lived together

with their grandmother and her cat. The first brother went on a business trip, and when he arrived at his destination, he checked into his hotel, and called his brother at home. "I made it safe and sound" he said. "How is everything?"

"Bad" said the second brother. "The cat is dead."

"WHAT?!? How could you be so insensitive to tell me like that?" The first brother exclaimed. "You could have broken it to me slowly by saying the cat is on the roof, but you've called the fire department and they were trying to get her down. Later you could have called me and told me that the fire department got the cat down but she has a broken leg, so you are taking her to the veterinarian. Tomorrow you could have called me and told me despite the veterinarian's best efforts, the cat died."

"Sorry", said the second brother. "I'll remember that next time."

"Good", said the first brother. "By the way, how is Grandma?"

The second brother replied, "Oh, Grandma is on the roof."


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GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.

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Little johnny

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little Johnny replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little Johnny answered, 'No, he minded his own fucking business!'

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Steve Irwin died as he lived.

With animals in his heart.

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Why do seagulls live by the sea?

If they lived by the bay they'd be bagels.

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Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.

Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.
He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave.
As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, it's just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.
That I married you only for your money.

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The cruise ship survivors

There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.

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A Family of Moles

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

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Two women died at the same time.

Both women had lived good christian lives. They both found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter said that they were shoe-ins to heaven, but they each had to answer one question in order to get in.

He asks the first woman "What was the name of the first woman?"

"That's easy, she says. Her name was Eve."

Trumpets sound and angels sing as the gates open and she enters the kingdom of heaven.

To the second woman St. Peter asks "What was the first thing Eve said when she first met Adam?"

She thought for a while... "Boy, that's a hard one..."

Trumpets sound and angels sing as the gates open and she enters the kingdom of heaven.

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A young child is sitting on a park bench eating a huge bag of candy.

An old man walks up to him and says "You shouldn't eat so much candy, it's terrible for your health!"

The kid replies, "Well, my grandpa lived to be 103 years old!"

"What was his secret? Did he eat a lot of candy?"

"No," the kid says. "He minded his own goddamn business!"

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A kid is sitting on a bench, eating candy bars

When a man walks over and sits down on the bench next to the kid. He looks over with a disgusted look and says,

You know kid, you're gonna die really young if you eat that many chocolate bars.

To which the kid replies, Oh, well my grandpa lived to be 105.

Surprised, the man asks, Eating that many chocolate bars?

No, minding his own fucking business.

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Steve Irwin lived the same way he died...

With animals in his heart.

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The last twenty five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.

For instance, i've lived through more 'Spiderman' re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.

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Steve Irwin died how he lived.

With animals in his heart.

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Alabama VS. Mississippi

A man lived in Alabama. He moved to Mississippi. He raised the IQ in both states.

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Same as downtown

Two monks were walking through town when they heard a prostitute tell a guy he could get a blowjob for five dollars. Since they lived a very sheltered life they had no idea what a blowjob was. After talking about it for a while and not wanting to look stupid by asking any of the brothers at the monastery, they decided to ask the mother superior. So they went to her room and knocked on the door. She was busy so she asked them what they wanted. Nervously the monk just blurted out. "We were wondering "What's a blowjob?" To which she quickly answered "Five dollars, same as downtown."

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Happy Blasphemy Day!

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk are all flying on a plane carrying starving children from africa. Suddenly, the pilot loses control, and announces that the plane is going down and there are only 4 parachutes. The pilot grabs one of them and jumps off the plane.

The monk looks to the other two and says "we have lived long, good lives. We should give 3 of these children a chance to live."

The rabbi quickly responds "fuck the children, I want to live!"

To which the priest replies "do we have time?"

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So an illiterate man signs a deal with the devil.

The devil appeared to the man one day and said "If you are willing to give me a soul, I will grant you all of your heart's desires, but you will have to deliver your soul to me on your final day, I will tell you when it comes"
The man, without a second thought, agreed to this.
20 years later, the man had lived a life of wealth, women and booze.
He was out walking home from a bar when the devil reappeared in front of him.
"Time's up, your soul, now, as per our deal"
The man looked at him blankly and said "alright"
He pulls out a sharp blade, bends over and reaches toward his shoes.

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Have you heard about the one about suicidal procrastinator

He lived a long healthy life.

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Lost in the jungle NSFW

A man recently celebrated his 120th birthday. He lived in a jungle. One day some news reporters came to his hut to interview him. She said " tell us an interesting story that happened to you." So he told her " one time my friend lost a cow in the jungle, so we found it and fucked it." and the reporter said " that is horrible, we cant use this, and he replied " I guess that isn't interesting, one time, my friends wife got lost in the jungle, and we found her and fucked her." and once again, the reporter said " this is horrible, we can't use this. Tell us the scariest thing that happened to you." and a tear came to his eye and he croaked " one time, I got lost in the jungle...

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NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...













What were you
Thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

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Ghandi

Mahatma Gandhi lived a strange life

Because of his odd diet, he was plagued by a constant case of bad breath. This diet also left him rather thin and frail.

Because he didn't wear shoes, and he walked everywhere, he developed an impressively thick set of calluses on the soles of his feet.

All-in-all, he was a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

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A man wants to buy a dog...

A man wants to buy a dog. He sees an ad on Craigslist,
"Talking dog. Selling for $50"
The man, obviously not believing the ad, calls the owner and says he wants to see the dog. He goes to the house and the owner lets him in and tells him the dog is in the living room.
He goes into the living room, sees the dog and says, "So can you talk?"
The Dog says, "Not only can I talk, but I've lived an extraordinary life. I was an extra in many hollywood films, I was a bomb-sniffing dog in Iraq and I even went to Space as part of project for NASA."
The guy is stunned! He goes back into the kitchen where the owner is waiting and he says, "This dog is incredible, why are you selling him for 50 bucks!?!"
and the owner says, "Because he's a fucking liar!"

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Praying For Nothing?

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above:
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

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Frustration...

There was once a man who lived way out in the Sahara Desert, thousands of miles away from civilization, with only his faithfull camel and his tiny Oasis. One day the man got so frustrated that he decided that the time had come that he should fuck his camel. The camel, being a very tall creature, was out of the reach of the mans dick. So he decided to climb onto a dune and then do the camel. But every time his dick was ready, the camel would move and the man would fall. Discouraged, the man went back to his tent, only to hear the scream of a woman. He ran into the desert and saw a band of people readying themselves to rape the woman, he quickly pulled out his gun and fired a few shots into the air. This caused the band to get back into thier car and drive off. The man then went to the woman and asked if all was well.
She replied,"Oh, my hero, you saved me, I will do anything for you."
"GGGGREAT, the man replied,"will you please hold my camel a second"

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My Grandfather developed Cancer when he was younger

Some say he's the most evil scientist to ever have lived.

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When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears...

You can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches...

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An old man gets asked Have you lived here all your life?

The old man replies: I can't answer that yet.

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An Australian man living by the cliff has prevent over 150 suicides, during the 50 years he has lived there...

... by shooting them himself.

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An elderly lady was well-known for her faith

and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."

The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "HA...HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn't!"

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!"

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Tarzan lived alone in the jungle his entire life, with no female company...

and his only sexual outlet was sticking his dick in a hole in a tree and having sex that way.

Along comes Jane one day and sees him getting it on with a jungle oak. She's overcome with pity for the poor frustrated fellow and immediately throws herself to the ground, spreading her legs wide for him.

"No, Tarzan! Take me instead!"

Tarzan walks up and boots her in the crotch with all his strength.

"OW! What the fuck did you do that for!?" she says, writhing in agony.

Tarzan grunts, "Always check for squirrels..."

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The ultimate bargain.

The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."

"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?" The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."

"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"

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I never realised Dwayne Johnson lived in the apartment above us.

All this time we had been living under a rock.

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What are the best Lived puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Lived? Well, here are the best jokes about Lived to have fun with.

Joko Jokes