Live Performances Jokes
33 live performances jokes and hilarious live performances puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about live performances that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Live Performances Short Jokes
Short live performances jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The live performances humour may include short performance jokes also.
- I went to see a stage performer that does live sacrifices of celebrities during his act I gave him 5 stars.
- I'm part of a big band group called The Megabytes. Our thousandth member recently joined, finally readying us for our debut live performance.
It'll be our first gig. - I told my therapist about my compulsion to methodically disrupt live musical performances. She said, That's disconcerting.
- I've always wanted to see a live performance of "Our American Cousin" My buddy Abe wouldn't stop raving about it. He kept talking about how his mind was literally blown.
- I wanted to go see A Flock of Seagulls performing live in the middle-east But Iran so far away.
- Whenever my friend who does psychic shows for a living went to the toilet, I could always hear her giving a performance to her flowers, and she knew everything about them. Turns out they were plants.
- So Ariana Grande has announced her European tour dates... ...I hear her live performance is to die for
- Did you hear about the live performance about the dictionary? I heard it was a play on words.
- A hypnotist was performing in front of a live audience using a pendulum. All of a sudden the pendulum slipped out of his hand and he exclaimed, "s**...!"
It took two weeks to clean that whole place. - A pantomime actor was brutally r**... on stage last week during a live performance... To be fair, the audience did warn him.
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Live Performances One Liners
Which live performances one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with live performances? I can suggest the ones about work performance and live action.
- I used to perform circumcisions for a living. I got tons of tips.
- The final death of 2016.... Mariah Carey's live performance career
- So I saw Amy Schumer perform live... The kentucky derby really is magical!
- U2 performed at live aid for free It was completely pro bono
- I payed $20 to see Prince perform live.. But I partied so hard it felt like $19.99
- What's the best part of performing circumcisions for a living You get a lot of tips
- What do you call a c**... live performance of a James Dean movie? Rebel without applause.
Ridiculous Live Performances Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about live performances you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean performance management jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make live performances pranks.
Operation successful
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....
he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.
'Yes, Dad, what is it?'
'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........
........your mother in law will come and live with you.'
The surgery was a great success....
Muslim Band
I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.
They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.
They performed songs like:
"Losing my Head over You",
"Rocket Launcher Man",
"You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!
Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD.
I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started.
My dad's a magician
Bob: What does your father do for a living?
Joe: He's a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.
Bob: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Joe: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.
Fans around the globe are rockin' out to Mariah Carey's latest hit single ...
"*The Monitors Are Down ...*", performed live for the first time today in downtown New York City, has been praised for a unique nihilistic style and pertinent statements regarding the internet-induced apathy of today's youth.
I just got laid for the first time today.
They told me they'd never had anyone whose performance was so bad despite every position we tried. This was the last thing I could think of to try to earn a living and now I don't know what to do.
A threat
An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife. No pressure, seriously."
The p**... and the gorilla
A p**... is standing on a corner when a gorilla walks up to her. He grunts and gestures to an alley nearby. Business has been slow lately so she figures what the heck. As soon as they have some privacy the gorilla removes the p**...'s skirt and starts performing o**... s**... on her.
The gorilla finishes, stands up, and starts walking away. The p**... says: "Hey! Where are you going? You need to pay me!"
The gorilla just stands there looking confused.
She pulls out her phone and Googles "p**..." and shows him.
>a person, typically a woman, who engages in s**... activity for payment.
He takes the phone from her and Googles "gorilla" and hands it back to her.
>a powerfully built great ape with a large head and short neck, found in the forests of central Africa. It is the largest living primate. Eats bushes and leaves.
Grammer is important
On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, s**..., took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Why you should never end a sentence with a preposition.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'," he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, s**... and took a spoonful of the medicine. Then he invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. Then she asked, "What was the '1-2-3' for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.