live Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious live stories

What are the best live puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Live? Well here is a complete list of the top live jokes:

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

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North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media

But every American knows that America is the best country in the world

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I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

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The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

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A woman is packing up and leaving her husband...

and tells him she's moving to Las Vegas. The husband asks, "Why Las Vegas?"

She says from what she understands, she can get $100 for every blowjob she gives. Upon telling her husband this he starts packing as well. The wife asks, "Where are you going?"

The husband says, "I'm going to Las Vegas too! I want to see how you can live off $200 a year!"

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I just found out that i have two weeks to live

My wife just went on vacation

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Why don't fairies live under toadstools?

Because there's not mushroom!

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Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...

and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

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Little boy in custody battle.

Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the judge asks,"Well who do you want to live with?". Little boy looks at the judge and says, "The Dallas Cowboys they don't beat anybody."

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I received a rolex for Christmas from the lesbian couple who live next door.

Now, while I am happy with the gift, I guess they didn`t quite understand what I meant when I told them, "I wanna watch".

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A guy gets a call from his Doctor...

The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."

The guy says "What's the bad news?"

The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."

The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."

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Viagra side effect.

I'm reaching out on behalf of a golf buddy of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help.

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Why is Santa so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

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If I die...

If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"

"Would she live in my house?"

"It's all paid up, so yes."

"Would she drive my car?"

"It's new, so yes."

"Would she use my golf clubs?"





"No. She's left-handed."

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What's the difference between Yogurt and L.A.?

Yogurt has a live and thriving culture.

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Got a call that my Grandma only has 1 day left to live...

But I'm still not paying the ransom.

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If you like to have sex while listening to music, always pick a live album

... that way you'll get applauded every 3-4 minutes

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A doctor and his patient.

A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news .

Oh dear, what's the bad news? asks the patient.

The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live.

That's terrible , said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?

The doctor replies, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.  

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The Toronto Maple Leaves

So a man is walking along and he finds a lamp. He runs the lamp, a genie pops out an says, "I will grant you one wish."

Man: "I wish I can live forever."

Genie: "I'm sorry but I can't grant that to you. Wish for anything else and it'll be my pleasure to grant it to you."

Man: "Fine. I wish I can live until the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup."

Genie: "You son of a bitch."

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An Elderly Man Goes to the Doctor's.

Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman.
She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long.

So what's the problem?

Breaking down in tears....

I can't remember where I live.

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It's a funny old world we live in.

Once we had empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings. Now we have countries...

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Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they live by the bay, they would be bagels!

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Why is santa always so happy?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

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Two gay guys live together

The first guy says, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll hide, and if you find me I'll blow you."

The second guys says, "What if I can't find you?"

He says, "I'll be behind the piano."

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So a man goes to the doctor...

and is told that he has a terminal illness with only 24 hours left to live.

He went home and told his wife who was completely shocked. So later, as they're laying in bed, he asks if they can make love one last time. They do. Later, the man wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and asks if they can go at it again. His wife tired and irritable says, "Well that's easy for you to ask, you don't have to get up in the morning..."

Sorry for the lousy wording

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It's my birthday, so here's a related joke.

Why are birthdays good for you?

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Statistics show: those who have the most, live the longest.

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An 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup...

... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news.

"Whats the worse news?"

"You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."

Mr. Jones hangs his head for a couple moments and looks up to ask, "And the bad news?"

"you have Alzheimers."

Mr. Jones frowns and says, "well, at least I don't have cancer."

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Why did God invent yeast infections?

So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

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Young man goes off to university

A young man goes off to university in a town several hours drive from where his parents live. Two months later, he write to his folks. The letter reads, "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time! I've enclosed a picture, as you can see I've grown a nice goatee! Don't I look like a Count?"

The father says to his wife, "Well that's upsetting. We spend all this money sending him to school, and he can't even spell."

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Penalty for Lying


Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman is up to 20 years in jail,


...but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is two more years in office.

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Patient asks his doctor...

A patient asks his doctor, "If I gave up women, wine, and song, would I live longer?" The doctor replies, "No, but it will feel longer."

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A Father's Living Will

Last night, my kids and I were in the living room and I said to them, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

They got up, unplugged the television, and threw out my wine.

They're such assholes....

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What did one desperate necrophiliac tell the other?

"Fuck it, we'll do it live."

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Happy Father's Day

or, mass confusion, if you live in Harlem.

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Guy goes to the doctor because he always feels terrible

The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news." The guy asks for the bad news first. The doctor tells him he has advanced liver cancer, and about 6 months to live.

The guy asks the doctor, "What's the good news?". The doctor points to a very attractive young lady in her mid 20's, wearing nurse's clothing. The doctor says, "See that nursing student? I'm fucking her."

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Six months

A woman is told by her doctor that she has six months to live.

"Is there anything I can do?" she asks.


"Yes, there is," the doctor replies. "You could marry a tax accountant."


"How will that help my illness?" the woman asks.


"Oh, it won't help your illness," says the doctor, "but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!"

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How could I ever live without you?

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says.

"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"

Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" ... She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."

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Because yolo

My girlfriend said; "take the condom off."
"Why?"
"Because yolo"
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"You only live once"
"Well" I said, "if you get pregnant then yoyo."
"What's that mean?"
"You're on your own."

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My father strongly believes that you should live every day like it's your last.

That's why, for the past 17 years, he's been stuck in an intensive care unit with a tube up his ass.

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Where does Crazy Horse live?

In an unstable.

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I attended a very touching live demonstration on bukkake.

There wasn't a dry eye in the audience.

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Good news, bad news

A man gets a telephone call from a doctor. The doctor says: "About this medical test I did on you, I have some good news and some bad news."

The man asks for the good news first:

"The good news is that you have 24 hours to live," says the doctor.

The man, incredulously: "If that is the good news, then what is the bad news??"

"I couldn't reach you on the phone yesterday."

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Why does Santa always have a smile on his face?

'Cause He knows where all the naughty girls live

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A man walks into doctor's office

A man walks into doctor's office to get his test results.
Doctor says: "I've got good news and bad news".
Man responds: "Let me here the bad news first".
"You have only week left to live".
Man cries and weeps, but asks: "What's the good news then?"
Doctor: "Have You seen my secretary? The blonde with giant rack?"
- "Yeah."
- "I'm fucking her."

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A good rule to live by

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

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A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins...

...that
could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his
supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way
back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting
gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

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I'm still having sex at 82!

I live at 86. so it's only a couple of houses down.

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Where do poor meatballs live?

In the spaghetto.

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A man walks into the doctor

A man walks into the doctor for his yearly check up. The doctor runs some tests on the man and after reads him the results.

"Well sir, I've got some bad news. It looks like you've only got a few hours to live."

The man replies: "Well I'd like a second opinion."

The doctor retorts: "You're ugly too."

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best live jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about live. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty live gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these live jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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