The Best 74 Live Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Live jokes. There are some live vive jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these live lived puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Live Jokes and Puns

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

Live joke, The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...

and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

I just found out that i have two weeks to live

My wife just went on vacation


Little boy in custody battle.

Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the judge asks,"Well who do you want to live with?". Little boy looks at the judge and says, "The Dallas Cowboys they don't beat anybody."

Why don't fairies live under toadstools?

Because there's not mushroom!

Live joke, Why don't fairies live under toadstools?

Why did Bilbo Baggins live for so long?

Because old Hobbits die hard...

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

You can explore live exist reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean live reside dad jokes. There are also live puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Hitler dies and God calls him

After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".

God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".

"See, not even you care about Jews!"

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

My 8 y/o daughter told me this joke.

Birthdays are good for your health

Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.

A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.

The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."

The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."

The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."

Racism is like Nickelback...

I like to joke about it, but I never want to see it live.

Live joke, Racism is like Nickelback...

Where do poor meatballs live?

In the spaghetto.

Kudos to my friend who came up with this.

Money or Sex

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."

"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

They say that every 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile

Not me, I live next to 2 smoking hot 10 year olds


A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

I smell maple syrup!

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is . . . . .

molasses."

An Apple store near where I live got robbed

$25k worth of merchandise was stolen. The police said that they will get both computers back.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.

So I mean who's the real winner here?

I threw a boomerang a few years ago

I now live in constant fear

Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

What's the difference between watts and ohms?

Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.

Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

A woman searches for something in the living room.

After an hour, worried, she asks her husband:

- Have you seen my book?

- Which one?

- How to live to become 100 years old.

- Ah yes. Yesterday, i threw it away.

- But why?

- Your mother started reading it...

It turns out vaccines cause cancer.

You'll actually live long enough to get it.

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

Video games let you live out your wildest fantasies.

For example sims gives you the chance to have a stable job and own your own home

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO LIVE HAPPY LIFE!

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be in it with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other

Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance?

Neither because they live in America.

I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."

"Okay, that's fine." they replied.

I added, "Your luggage is outside."

My doctor said I only have 2 months to live...

So I shot him.

The judge gave me 30years.

Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore

I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild

They found a cat on mars...

A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

The doctor gave me 5 month to live.

So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.

And the judge gave me 25 years.

Problem solved.

A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".

A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live. He says: 'What's the bad news?

The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

Why does everyone assume that just because I'm a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent's basement?

My parents don't have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he's going deaf

What are the symptoms? The doctor asks

They're that yellow family that live in Springfield

People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.

We now live in a one bedroom unit.

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?

Alligators can live up to 100 years...

Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"

Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies

2005:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies

2018:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool is in the Champions League's final
3.

If I don't perfect Human Cloning...

...I won't be able to live with myself

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"Is that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really, but the desire will disappear."

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don't bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

My wife asked me, If I die, will you re-marry?

I replied, I don't know love, I don't think about those sorts of things.

Well If you did, would she live in our house? she asked

I said, I don't know, I haven't thought about it!

Then she asked Would you let her wear my clothes?

I replied Nah she's not your size

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name λͺ¨ (pronounced 'mo').

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

"This is our child λͺ¨ Lester"

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn't come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."

"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

**

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal.

Me: My truck.

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

I went to a reincarnation seminar last night...

...I figured what the heck, you only live once.

I used to live paycheck to paycheck

But now I can happily say that after years of hard work and perseverance; I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

Why would Mark Zuckerberg be a very good taxi driver?

You get in the car and he already knows your name and where you live

[Library] Me: I want to learn more about corals.

Librarian: You'll find them under C.

Me: I already know where they live, sir. I wanna learn more.

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news for you

Patient: What is the bad news?

Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What can possibly be worse news than that?

Doctor: I should have told you this yesterday...

Sensei, I need your advice.

I wish to live to be 100 years old.

- Then get married.

Will that make me live 100 years?

- No! But the wish will fade away.

Thank you great master for your immense wisdom.

An English Class

Sentence: I live in Czechia.

"What is the verb in this sentence?"

"Umm... live?"

"Great, now how do we say this sentence in past tense?"

"Umm... I live in Czechoslovakia?"

I lived with stoners in college and suffered terrible side effects...

For years afterward, I thought I was funny.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the live birthdays jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working live prognosis piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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