live Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious live puns

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

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I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

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The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

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The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. Judge gave me 20 years. Problem Solved.

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A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"Is that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really, but the desire will disappear."

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Alligators can live up to 100 years...

Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

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I met a genie today who said he would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"



"You crafty bastard," said the genie.

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Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

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Theory vs. Reality

A son asks his father what the difference between theory and reality is.

The father says go ask your mother if she would sleep with the neighbor for 1 million dollars, then go ask your sister the same question and tell me what they say.

The son returns and says, "they both said they would do it!"

The father replies, "ok son, in theory we are sitting on 2 million dollars, in reality we live with a couple of sluts."

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During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

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I threw a boomerang a few years ago

I now live in constant fear

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To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

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Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

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Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

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Racism is like Nickelback...

I like to joke about it, but I never want to see it live.

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They say that every 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile

Not me, I live next to 2 smoking hot 10 year olds

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Money or Sex

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."

"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

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Where do poor meatballs live?

In the spaghetto.

Kudos to my friend who came up with this.

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Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

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The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance?

Neither because they live in America.

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It turns out vaccines cause cancer.

You'll actually live long enough to get it.

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A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

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Three cowboys sitting around a campfire

Two are arguing who is tougher.

"Last week I rode a 2000lb bull it bucked me off so I punched it one time and it turned into steaks" said the first.
"That's nothing, last time I had sex I used a live rattler for a condom" boasted the second.

The third said nothing, and continued quietly stirring the embers in the fire with his penis.

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I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

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Why does everyone assume that just because I'm a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent's basement?

My parents don't have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

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If I don't perfect Human Cloning...

...I won't be able to live with myself

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A woman is packing up and leaving her husband...

and tells him she's moving to Las Vegas. The husband asks, "Why Las Vegas?"

She says from what she understands, she can get $100 for every blowjob she gives. Upon telling her husband this he starts packing as well. The wife asks, "Where are you going?"

The husband says, "I'm going to Las Vegas too! I want to see how you can live off $200 a year!"

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A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he's going deaf

What are the symptoms? The doctor asks

They're that yellow family that live in Springfield

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I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."

"Okay, that's fine." they replied.

I added, "Your luggage is outside."

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They found a cat on mars...

A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

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A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

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What are the most funny Live jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Live? Well, here are the best Live dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Live pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes