little pigs Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious little pigs puns

A kindergarten teacher asks her students what animals provide us...

She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".

Joke provided by my ten year old son.

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Life without farms.

The teacher asked "What sound do pigs make?"

Little Tyrone stood up and said
"FREEZE MOTHA FUCKER!"

I guess there's not many farms in Detroit.

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A teacher in a Chicago kindergarten class asked...

her class what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!"

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A class of 3rd graders return from their field trip to the farm and the teacher asks them, "what kind of noises did you hear at the farm?"

The first kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the cow go moo!"

The second kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the pig go oink!"

The third kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the farmer yell 'get off my tractor you little fucker!'"

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What does the fat cow give you?

Teacher: "Kids,what does the little chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the squealy pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

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For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Here's an update for you:

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...

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Life lesson

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."

A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

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Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, We need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.
Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.
You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!
I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

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Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

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A man, a dog and a pig are in a boat...

Lost at sea, they wreck the boat and swim to a deserted island. Stranded there for months with little to do, the man begins to get urges and becomes oddly attracted to the pig. The man tries to mount the pig one day and out of no where the dog runs up and bites the man. Two days later, the man tries again. Again, the dog bites the man. The dog is not letting this happen. This continues to happen and suddenly, the man hears a cry from the water and sees a woman struggling as her boat is also wrecked and sinking. He quickly swims out to save the woman and brings her ashore. As she collects herself, she says to the man, "Thank you so much for saving my life! If there is anything I can do for you, and I mean anything, it will be done!" The man replies, "Can you take that dog for a walk?"

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Help! Performing in front of a deaf audience, and need an appropriate opening joke or two

Tomorrow I'm conducting a charity benefit for a large state wide deaf education foundation. I'll be in front of ~500 people talking. I Want at least one slightly edgy jokes that would cater to this sort of rich (and largely deaf) audience.

"Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a bar. The first pig orders 10 beers, downs them, and then asks for the bathroom. The second pig orders 15 beers, downs them, and asks for the bathroom. The third pig orders 20 beers, downs them, and then sits there eating peanuts.
"Aren't you going to ask for the bathroom?" asks the bartender.
"Nope. I'm the pig who goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.""

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Little Johnny had a bad day.

He stomped home from school to the family farm. Being an annoying little kid, he saw the farm animals and decided to take out a little frustration on them, so he yelled at the pig, chased the chickens around, and kicked in a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch. Finally, he made it to the house. His mom was waiting and furious.

"Johnny, I saw you just did and you're in big trouble! For abusing the poor pig and chickens, you don't get sausage or wings tonight. And no pumpkin pie, either!"

Just then, the two of them saw Johnny's dad came back from a day in the fields. He walked to the porch, where the cat is sleeping peacefully in the sun. He irritably kicked the cat out of the way to make it to the door. Johnny turns to his mom with a big grin and says,

"Shall you tell him, or shall I?"

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A cop was walking through the park...

...on a beautiful summer day. He comes upon a tiny blond girl in a white dress playing with a puppy under an apple tree.

"Hello, little one! What's your name?"

"Blossom", she chirps.

"And where did that come from?"

"When I was in my mommy's belly, an apple blossom fell from this very tree and landed on her tummy."

"Adorable! And what's your little puppy's name?"

"Porky"

"And why is that?"

"He fucks pigs"

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Three Little Pigs...

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' And he did!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, 'Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house.' So the stick Pig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' And he did!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, 'Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!' So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet and threw his sorry ass into the creek. Then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! 'Who the hell were those guys?' they asked. 'Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs.'

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An inner city kindergarten is teaching about animal sounds.

The teacher says "ok does anyone know what sound a cow makes?
A little girl raises her hand and says "mooooo"
The teacher says "ok who knows what noise the chicken makes?"
Someone else raises there hand and says "bachbachbachbach"
The teacher says ok finally, what noise does a pig make?
A little boy in the back raises his hand and shouts "Freeze mother fucker!"

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The three travelers.

Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night. He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters." The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig." The second man said ,"I slept like a cow." The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."

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Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:



Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.

You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!

I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.

You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!

I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

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Bunny Wabbits

A little girl steps into a pet shop, walks up to a sales associate, and says, "I would wike to buy a wabbit, pwease.."

The woman takes one look at the little girl, and her heart melts. The child had big, bright eyes, a little button nose, pig tails - she's cuter than Shirley Temple. She scrunches down to the girl's eye level, and gushes:

"Weww, what kind of bunny wabbit would you wike? Do you want a white bunny, or a bwack bunny, or a bwown bunny, or maybe a cawwico bunny?"

"Gee, I don't know," the girl replies, looking down and shuffling her feet ... "I weawwy don't fink my pyfon gives a cwap".

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What doctors really thinking?

- This should be taken care of right away.

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.


- Welllllll, what have we here…?

He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.


- Let me check your medical history.

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.


- We have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.


- Let me schedule you for some tests.

I have a forty percent interest in the lab.


- I'd like to have my associate look at you.

He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.


- I'd like to prescribe a new drug.

I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.


- This may hurt a little.

Last week two patients bit off their tongues.


- This should fix you up.

The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.


- I'd like to run some more tests.

I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.


- There is a lot of that going around.

My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

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Why is a pig M. Night Shyamalan's favorite animal?

Cause it has a little twist at the end.

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So a guy walks into a bar...

... and he notices a pig playing a piano in the corner. He goes up to the bartender and says "Hey, man. What's with the pig?". The bartender replies "There's a guy down the street granting wishes, but watch what you say. He's kind of sketchy."

The man takes off and comes back a little while later with an endless line of ducklings following him through the door. He goes up to the bartender and shouts "Man, that guy was terrible! I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks!"

The bartender replied "What do you think I asked for, a pig pianist?"

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Valentines Jokes for Kids

What did one light bulb say to the other light bulb on Valentine’s Day? I wuv you watts and watts!

What do you say to an octopus on Valentine’s Day? I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

What do you call a ghost’s true love? His ghoul-friend.

What do you call the world's smallest Valentine’s Day card? A valen-teeny.

What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day? I’m stuck on you!

Knock Knock. Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you!

Why do skunks love Valentine’s Day? They are very scent-imental creatures.

What’s the best part about Valentine’s Day? The day after when all the candy is on sale.

What did one bee say to the other? I love bee-ing with you, honey!

What did one cat say to the other cat on Valentine's Day? Don't ever change, you're purrrfect.



Why would you want to marry a goalie? Because he (or she) is a real keeper!

What type of shape is most popular on Valentine's Day? Acute triangle.

Have you got a date for Valentine's Day? Yeah, it's February 14th.

What did the painter say to her sweetheart? I love you with all my art.

What did Robin Hood say to his girlfriend? Sherwood like to be your valentine.

Why did the sheriff lock up her boyfriend? He stole her heart.

What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!

What kind of candy is never on time? Choco-LATE.

What do you write in a slug’s Valentine’s Day card? Be my Valen-slime!

Knock Knock. Who's there? Luke. Luke who? Luke who got a Valentine!

What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you!

What did the cucumber say to the pickle? You mean a great dill to me.

How did the phone propose to his GF? He gave her a ring.

What did the one sheep say to the other? I love ewe!

And how did the other sheep respond? You’re not so baaaaaa-d yourself

What did the farmer give his wife for Valentine’s Day? Hogs and kisses.

And what did the tweenager give his mom? Ughs and kisses!

Why is Valentine’s Day a good day for a party? Because you can really party hearty!

What kind of flowers should you NOT give on Valentine’s Day? Cauliflowers!

What do owls say to declare their love? Owl be yours!

What did Frankenstien's monster say to his bride on Valentine's Day? Be my Valenstein!

Who’s there? Frank. Frank who? Frank you for being my friend!




  • Knock, knock! Who’s there? Jimmy. Jimmy who? Jimmy a little kiss?
  • Knock, knock! Who’s there? Atlas. Atlas who? Atlas Valentine’s Day is here!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Luke. Luke who? Luke, I got a Valentine!
  • Knock Knock. Who’s there? Al. Al who? Al be your Valentine if you’ll be mine.
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Alec. Alec who? Alec to kiss your cheek.
  • Knock Knock Who’s there? Bea. Bea who? Bea my Valentine.
  • Knock Knock Who’s there? Emma. Emma who? Emma hoping I get lots of cards on Valentine’s Day.
  • Knock Knock Who’s there? Frank. Frank who? Frank you for being my friend.
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Howard. Howard who? Howard you like to be my Valentine?


  1. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  2. Q: What do you call a very small Valentine? A: A valentiny.
  3. Q: What did the calculator say to the pencil on Valentine’s Day? A: You can always count on me.
  4. Q: What did the pickle say to the other pickle on Vale nine’s Day? A: You mean a great dill to me.
  5. Q: Why did the man send his wife’s Valentine through twitter? A: Because she is his tweetheart.
  6. Q: What Valentine’s Day candy is only for girls? A: HER-SHE’s Kisses.
  7. Q: What kind of Valentine’s Day candy is never on time? A: ChocoLATE
  8. Q: What did Pilgrims give each other on Valentine’s Day? A: Mayflowers
  9. Q: What did one snake say to the other snake? A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
  10. Q: What did cavemen give their wives on Valentine’s Day? A: Lots of ughs and kisses.
  11. Q: What’s the best part of Valentine’s Day? A: The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
  12. Q: What did one font say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re just my type.
  13. Q: What food is crazy about Valentine’s Day chocolates? A: A cocoa-nut.
  14. Q: What was the French cat’s favorite Valentine’s Day dessert? A: Chocolate mousse
  15. Q: What did the light bulb say to the other light bulb on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you a watt.
  16. Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  17. Q: What do you call two birds in love? A: Tweethearts.
  18. Q: Why did the boy put clothes on the valentines card he was sending? A: He thought they needed to be ad-dressed.
  19. Q: What did the girl bumble bee say to the boy bumble bee on Valentine’s Day? A: I love bee-ing with you, Honey.
  20. Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? A: He gave her a ring.
  21. Q: What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m nuts about you.
  22. Q: Which animal shares the most love? A: A heartvaark
  23. Q: What did the sheep say to the other on February 14th? A: Wool you be my valentine.
  24. Q: Who did the man send a Valentine to through twitter? A: His tweetheart.
  25. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  26. Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  27. Q: Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine’s Day to dance? A: To the meatball.
  28. Q: What did the seamstress say to express her love? A: You’re sew special to me.
  29. Q: What did the blueberry say to his wife on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you berry much.
  30. Q: What did the Valentine’s Day card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and you’ll go places.
  31. Q: Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? A: Because they’re scent-imental.
  32. Q: Why did the Valentine get arrested? A: For stealing someone’s heart.
  33. Q: Why didn’t the scarecrow want to go to the Valentine’s Day dance? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  34. Q: Who wrote the best love songs in the 60’s? A: Heart Garfunkel
  35. Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
  36. Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.
  37. Q: What did the girl cat say to the boy cat on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re purrr-fect for me.
  38. Q: What did the rabbit say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Somebunny loves you.
  39. Q: Why didn’t the scarecrow want to go to the Valentine’s Day dance? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  40. Q: What did the circle say to the triangle on Valentine’s Day? A: I think you’re acute.
  41. Q: Why did they put the boy’s girlfriend in jail? A: Because she stole his heart.
  42. Q: What did the whale say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Whale you be mine?
  43. Q. What did one volcano say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A. I lava you.
  44. Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A: A hug and a quiche.
  45. Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with a valentine card? A: A card that says “I love you drool-ly”
  46. Q: What did the boy bear say to the girl bear on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you beary much.
  47. Q: What did the painter say to his girlfriend? A: “I love you with all my art.”
  48. Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: I love ewe.
  49. Q: What does someone who loves their car do on February 14? A: They give it a valenshine.
  50. Q: What did the boy bee say to the girl bee on Valentine’s Day? A: You are bee-utiful.
  51. Q: Why do Valentines have hearts on them? A: Because gall bladders would look pretty yucky.
  52. Q: What did the pencil say to the paper? A: I dot my i’s on you.
  53. Q: What did the girl sheep say to the boy sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you baaaaaaack.
  54. Q: What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine’s Day? A: Owl be yours.
  55. Q: What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re purr-fect for me.
  56. Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Lets hang out.
  57. Q: Did you hear about the man who promised his girlfriend a diamond for Valentine’s Day? A: He took her to a baseball park.
  58. Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you a ton.
  59. Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re not so baaaa-d.
  60. Q: What is the most romantic city in England? A: Loverpool.
  61. Q: Why is Valentine’s Day a great day for a party? A: Because you can party hearty.
  62. Q: What did the pickle say to his Valentine? A: You mean a great dill to me.
  63. Q: What happened when the two angels got married? A: They lived harpily ever after.
  64. Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m stuck on you.
  65. Q: What’s the best part about Valentines Day? A: The next day when all the chocolate goes on sale.
  66. Q: What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A: Rugs and kisses.
  67. Q: What is a ram’s favorite song on February 14th? A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear.
  68. Q: What do you get when you kiss a dragon on Valentine’s Day? A: Third degree burns on your lips.
  69. Q: What did the vampire call his sweetheart? A: His ghoul-friend.
  70. Q: What happened when the two tennis players met? A: It was lob at first sight.
  71. Q: What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Be my Valenstein.
  72. Q: What did one piece of string say to the other on February 14th? A: “Be my valentwine.”
  73. Q: What did the ghost say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: By my valenslime
  74. Q: What did one calculator say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A: “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”
  75. Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day? A: Lots of hogs and kisses.
  76. Q: What did one door bell say to the other on February 14th? A: “Be my valenchime.”
  77. Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend? A: “You’re fun to hang around with.”
  78. Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? A: Because it’s got heart.
  79. Q: Why did the boy put candy under his pillow? A: Because he wanted sweet dreams.
  80. Q: What did the whipped cream say to the ice cream on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m sweet on you.
  81. Q: What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine’s Day? A: Cauliflowers.
  82. Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.
  83. Q: Did you hear about the blind porcupine? A: He fell in love with a pin cushion.
  84. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  85. Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune? A: Because it couldn’t get a date.
  86. Q: What did the valentines day card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and you’ll go places
  87. Q: Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? A: It was Valenswine’s Day.
  88. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  89. Q: What do you call a very small Valentine? A: A valentiny.
  90. Q: What did the calculator say to the pencil on Valentine’s Day? A: You can always count on me.
  91. Q: What did the pickle say to the other pickle on Vale nine’s Day? A: You mean a great dill to me.
  92. Q: Why did the man send his wife’s Valentine through twitter? A: Because she is his tweetheart.
  93. Q: What Valentine’s Day candy is only for girls? A: HER-SHE’s Kisses.
  94. Q: What kind of Valentine’s Day candy is never on time? A: ChocoLATE
  95. Q: What did Pilgrims give each other on Valentine’s Day? A: Mayflowers
  96. Q: What did one snake say to the other snake? A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
  97. Q: What did cavemen give their wives on Valentine’s Day? A: Lots of ughs and kisses.
  98. Q: What’s the best part of Valentine’s Day? A: The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
  99. Q: What did one font say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re just my type.
  100. Q: What food is crazy about Valentine’s Day chocolates? A: A cocoa-nut.
  101. Q: What was the French cat’s favorite Valentine’s Day dessert? A: Chocolate mousse
  102. Q: What did the light bulb say to the other light bulb on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you a watt.
  103. Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  104. Q: What do you call two birds in love? A: Tweethearts.
  105. Q: Why did the boy put clothes on the valentines card he was sending? A: He thought they needed to be ad-dressed.
  106. Q: What did the girl bumble bee say to the boy bumble bee on Valentine’s Day? A: I love bee-ing with you, Honey.
  107. Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? A: He gave her a ring.
  108. Q: What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m nuts about you.
  109. Q: Which animal shares the most love? A: A heartvaark
  110. Q: What did the sheep say to the other on February 14th? A: Wool you be my valentine.
  111. Q: Who did the man send a Valentine to through twitter? A: His tweetheart.
  112. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  113. Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  114. Q: Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine’s Day to dance? A: To the meatball.
  115. Q: What did the seamstress say to express her love? A: You’re sew special to me.
  116. Q: What did the blueberry say to his wife on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you berry much.
  117. Q: What did the Valentine’s Day card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and you’ll go places.
  118. Q: Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? A: Because they’re scent-imental.
  119. Q: Why did the Valentine get arrested? A: For stealing someone’s heart.
  120. Q: Why didn’t the scarecrow want to go to the Valentine’s Day dance? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  121. Q: Who wrote the best love songs in the 60’s? A: Heart Garfunkel
  122. Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
  123. Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.
  124. Q: What did the girl cat say to the boy cat on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re purrr-fect for me.
  125. Q: What did the rabbit say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Somebunny loves you.
  126. Q: Why didn’t the scarecrow want to go to the Valentine’s Day dance? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  127. Q: What did the circle say to the triangle on Valentine’s Day? A: I think you’re acute.
  128. Q: Why did they put the boy’s girlfriend in jail? A: Because she stole his heart.
  129. Q: What did the whale say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Whale you be mine?
  130. Q. What did one volcano say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A. I lava you.
  131. Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A: A hug and a quiche.
  132. Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with a valentine card? A: A card that says “I love you drool-ly”
  133. Q: What did the boy bear say to the girl bear on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you beary much.
  134. Q: What did the painter say to his girlfriend? A: “I love you with all my art.”
  135. Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: I love ewe.
  136. Q: What does someone who loves their car do on February 14? A: They give it a valenshine.
  137. Q: What did the boy bee say to the girl bee on Valentine’s Day? A: You are bee-utiful.
  138. Q: Why do Valentines have hearts on them? A: Because gall bladders would look pretty yucky.
  139. Q: What did the pencil say to the paper? A: I dot my i’s on you.
  140. Q: What did the girl sheep say to the boy sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you baaaaaaack.
  141. Q: What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine’s Day? A: Owl be yours.
  142. Q: What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re purr-fect for me.
  143. Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Lets hang out.
  144. Q: Did you hear about the man who promised his girlfriend a diamond for Valentine’s Day? A: He took her to a baseball park.
  145. Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you a ton.
  146. Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re not so baaaa-d.
  147. Q: What is the most romantic city in England? A: Loverpool.
  148. Q: Why is Valentine’s Day a great day for a party? A: Because you can party hearty.
  149. Q: What did the pickle say to his Valentine? A: You mean a great dill to me.
  150. Q: What happened when the two angels got married? A: They lived harpily ever after.
  151. Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m stuck on you.
  152. Q: What’s the best part about Valentines Day? A: The next day when all the chocolate goes on sale.
  153. Q: What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A: Rugs and kisses.
  154. Q: What is a ram’s favorite song on February 14th? A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear.
  155. Q: What do you get when you kiss a dragon on Valentine’s Day? A: Third degree burns on your lips.
  156. Q: What did the vampire call his sweetheart? A: His ghoul-friend.
  157. Q: What happened when the two tennis players met? A: It was lob at first sight.
  158. Q: What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Be my Valenstein.
  159. Q: What did one piece of string say to the other on February 14th? A: “Be my valentwine.”
  160. Q: What did the ghost say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: By my valenslime
  161. Q: What did one calculator say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A: “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”
  162. Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day? A: Lots of hogs and kisses.
  163. Q: What did one door bell say to the other on February 14th? A: “Be my valenchime.”
  164. Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend? A: “You’re fun to hang around with.”
  165. Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? A: Because it’s got heart.
  166. Q: Why did the boy put candy under his pillow? A: Because he wanted sweet dreams.
  167. Q: What did the whipped cream say to the ice cream on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m sweet on you.
  168. Q: What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine’s Day? A: Cauliflowers.
  169. Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.
  170. Q: Did you hear about the blind porcupine? A: He fell in love with a pin cushion.
  171. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  172. Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune? A: Because it couldn’t get a date.
  173. Q: What did the valentines day card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and you’ll go places
  174. Q: Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? A: It was Valenswine’s Day.

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When I was little I used to think my daddy worked at a farm.

Because he would always tell us how he works with a bunch of cows, jackasses and pigs.

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What's the difference between a pig and a dwarf janitor?

One is messy, and the other is a little cleaner.

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A first grade teacher was giving a cookie to each student who spelt a word right

"Well little John" she said. "Can you spell Pig?"

"P-I-G" John said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then went to the next student.

"Hi little Susan" she said. "Can you spell Cow?"

"C-O-W" Susan said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then turned to the third student.

"Hello little Jim" she said. "How do you spell Crab?"

"C-R-A-B" John said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then turned to the next student.

"Good day Ahmed. Can you tell me how to spell Racial Discrimination?"

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Teacher: Kids, what do you get from the chicken?

Kids: Eggs!
Teacher: Very good! Now what do you get from the fat pig?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what do you get from the fat cow?
Little Johnny: Homework!

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Teacher: "What does a duck say?"
Jenny: "Quack Quack"
Teacher: "What does a cow say?"
Madison: "Moo"
Teacher: "What does a pig say?"
Little Johnny: "A pig says *holds up gun* get on the wall, you motherfucker!"

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a man walks in to a Chinese restaurant

He was asked to wait at the bar until a table was available. The bartender asked "what would you like?" The man answered, "I'd like a Stoli with a twist." The bartender paused for a moment then said " Once upon a time, there were three little pigs...."

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Little boy asks a farmer "how do you tell the girl pigs from the boy pigs?".....

Farmer says "By their pigtails"

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A wolf, a lion and a little pig are having a discussion

The wolf proudly says : I am the scariest animal of the woods. When I howl, you can hear me from miles away and it will send a shiver down your spine.

The lion smirks and says : do you think THAT is scary, little wolf? I am the true king of the jungle ánd the most scary. When I roar, all the animals flee into the jungle.

The little pig shivers a bit and says :

I don't want to say too much, but when I sneeze, every human around me gets himself vaccinated.

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I see your clean joke with this..

Little kid lives on a farm with his mom and dad. The kid gets bored and goes out to play with the animals. He

goes to the hen house and starts kicking at the chickens but that was boring, he then goes to the pig pen and

starts kicking the pigs, His mom looks out the window and see's him and says to herself I've got to stop this. By

the time she gets there he's in the barn kicking the cows. She grabs him by the ear and says you can't kick poor

defenseless animals. So for kicking the chickens no eggs for two weeks. For kicking the pigs no bacon for two

weeks, and for kicking the cows no milk for two weeks.Kid's pissed and says OK fine. About an hour later Dad

was walking down the stairs and kicks the cat, the little kid looks at his mom and says do you want to tell him

or should I.

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Why did the little pig go wee wee wee all the way home?

Because the wolf told him to piss off!

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We had our pot-bellied pig de-oinked

He was a little disgruntled.

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Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy crap! A talking pig!'"

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What are the most funny Little Pigs jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Little Pigs? Well, here are the best Little Pigs dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Little Pigs pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes