Little Person Jokes
123 little person jokes and hilarious little person puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about little person that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Little Person Short Jokes
Short little person jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The little person humour may include short little man jokes also.
- A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens. They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.
- I was going to make a game where you play a death-defying, cross-dressing little person. But I see you guys hate micro trans action.
- I rear-ended a car the other day and out comes a little person. He says to me, "I'm not happy", so I reply, "Then which one are you?"
- When I was younger, I thought I was clever by coming up with a joke: What is a British person's favourite cereal? Cheerios!
I told this to joke to a British person.
They were a little tea'd off. - My butcher's assistant is a little person. I tried to bet him he couldn't sell me one of his top-shelf filets. "No bet," he said. "The steaks are too high."
- My uncle Elijah was part of a little person comic duo that worked the Catskills. His partner was 4'11, while he stood only 4'2. Uncle Elijah got the short end of the schtick.
- I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person... ...and that person drinks a lot.
- What do you call a little person who talks to dead people and runs from the law? A small medium at large
- So this new little person turned up at my company today with his medical form explaining his condition. He'd joined with a short notice
- I really want my own reality show on TLC. Did I mention that I am a morbidly obese little person with 18 children and I just escaped from Scientology!
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Little Person One Liners
Which little person one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with little person? I can suggest the ones about little guy and small man.
- What piece of furniture does every person own? A little stool up their butts.
- I went to a little person convention yesterday It was boring, just all small talk.
- What does a transgender person call their sibling? little cis
- What's the most ironic thing about being a little person? It's hard to fit in.
- A color blind person is feeling down He's feeling a little purple
- What do you call a short person who comes from the Shetland Islands? A little Shet
- What do you call a merry-go-round with a little person on it? A midget spinner
- What did the little person order to drink while at a bar in Minneapolis? a Minnesota
- My wine drinking is merely functional... My personality is better with a little marinade.
- A Little Person came out as gay to his family He said, "I'm coming out of the cabinet".
- What do you call a person who likes little kids on bikes? A Pedalfile.
- So, a little person wanted some alcohol from me... but booze was in short supple
- I don't see the issue with microcephaly. Personally, I love a little head.
- What is the smallest part of a little person? Their wee-knees!
- Did you hear about the little person who got stuck in a blender? He was a midget spinner
Witty Little Person Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about little person you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean small people jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make little person pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man goes into Victoria's Secret and tells the sales-person behind the counter he needs a present for his wife. "See," explains the man, "It is my fiftieth wedding anniversary and I would like to get something pretty to surprise the little lady, if you know what I mean." When he gets home, his wife asks with a scowl on her face, "Where have you been?" "Surprise," says the old man and hands her a s**... tiny teddy. The wife rips it from his hand and takes it to the bathroom to try it on. She struggles to make it fit, but it is two sizes too small. She take a long time in the bathroom and hopes her husband will lose interest and fall asleep because it is getting late into the evening. Finally she emerges from the bathroom with all the lights out. She is completely n**... and pretends to model it in front of him. Her husband, still sitting up, squinting to try and see finally says, "For as much money I spent on it, they could of at least ironed out the wrinkles."
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No.
".
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employees home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he is busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now startled.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The searching team just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They are looking for me."
A school bus driver stopped the vehicle to take little George out.
The kid opened the door and saw his grandmother reaching her hands to grab him.
The driver though, to make sure that that person is really a family member, asks the kid.
"Is this really your grandmother?"
"Yes. She visits every Christmas!"
"Very good! And when she stays at he rest of the year?" the driver insists.
"At the airport!," says the kid and continues, "Whenever we feel like, we go there and we take her home..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why Trick-or-Treating Is Better Than s**.
..:
- You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
- If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
- The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
- You don't have to keep in touch with the person who gives you some.
- 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
- If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
- It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning with pleasure.
- You can do the whole neighborhood.
A kindergarten teacher spent a few minutes each morning teaching a new word to her class.
She would tell the class the word and its meaning, then ask them to come up with a few sentences that included the word for the day.
One day, the teacher said that the word for the day was "frugal."
She explained that frugal had to do with saving, and a frugal person is one who saves.
She then asked the class to come up with a sentence for the word.
The class seemed kind of stumped, and sat there in silence for a few seconds until one little girl raised her hand.
Instead of just a sentence, she came up with a little story:
"There once was a princess who was stuck in a tall tower.
There was a spell on all of the doors, so she couldn’t get out.
One day, she heard a young prince who was walking by and singing.
The princess called out of the tower, 'Frugal me! Frugal me!'
So, the prince frugaled her and they lived happily ever after."
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls.
She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Man Walks Into A Bar.....(Read this one aloud)
A man is working his job as a bartender one night. A man comes into the bar and sits down near him. He pulls a tiny piano and a 12 inch man out of his shirt, and begins to listen as the little man plays piano. The bartender says, "That's amazing! Where did you meet this guy?" The man responds, "Oh, a genie gave him to me. He's down the street right now, giving out free wishes".So the bartender took his break, and went down the street to meet the genie. The man found a person sitting on the street and asked if he was the genie. "Yeah" said the genie. The bartender immediately said "I wish for a million bucks!" Suddenly, a huge flock of ducks flew out of the sky and began attacking him. He ran back to the bar, where the other man was drinking his beer. "That genie s**...! I wished for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks!" The man looked at the bartender and said "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A koala bear walks into a brothel picks out the best looking girl and heads upstairs with her.
While up there he eats her out like a madman doing things she's never even heard of.
After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.
The girl stops him and demands payment.
The bear doesn't understand. She has him look up p**... in the dictionary, a person who trades s**... for money. Still a little confused he asks what does it say about me.
Koala bear, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves.
Eventually, after living a full life, Tom Brady dies and goes to heaven...
At the Pearly Gates, God tells Brady, "As a reward for such a fine football career I am giving you a house. Now, not everyone gets a house up here, in fact it's quite rare. Tom, consider this is a personal gift from the Lord your God." The Almighty shows him to his new home and Brady is somewhat taken aback. The tiny home is more a shack with a faded Patriots flag flying over it. Still, Tom Brady tells God how thankful he is for such a special blessing.
After the Father gives Brady a short tour of his new home, Tom notices a three story mansion just around the block. The enormous home is painted in orange and blue, even down to the driveway and sidewalks. A huge Denver Broncos flag flies off a 50 ft flagpole above the house and a Tim Tebow jersey hangs over the front door.
Brady, a little perplexed, turns to God and asks, "I don't mean to be ungrateful Lord, but I was an all-pro quarterback, I won three Super Bowls, and I was inducted into the Hall of Fame last year." "What are you trying to say, my son?" Brady responds, "Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?" God chortles and replies, "That's not Tim's house. That's my house!"
2 old ladies are having a smoke outside when it starts to rain.
One lady says to the other, Do you wanna know how to keep your cigarette dry when it rains? The second lady responds, Sure . So the first lady proceeds to tell her to buy a pack of condoms and each time she's having a smoke out in the rain, get out one of the condoms, place it over the cigarette and it will stay dry. Well the second old lady thinks it's a great idea so she strolls down to her local pharmacy to buy a pack of condoms. When she gets to the pharmacy, she asks the person behind the counter for a pack of condoms. The sales person behind the counter responds What size? The little old lady pauses and thinks for a second and then replies The size that fits a Camel!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The ice cream cone
Little Johnny was having trouble with math, so his teacher decided to give him some personal attention. The teacher asked, "if there were five birds on a fence, and you knocked one off with a stone, how many birds are there left?
"well," little Johnny answered; "there would be none left because the rest would fly away."
The teacher replied, "actually, the answer is four, but I like the way you're thinking!"
"Okay," little Johnny replied. " I have a question for you now."
This could be interesting, the teacher thought. She said, "well let's hear it then"
"there are three ladies sitting on a bench eating ice cream. One is biting her cone, one is l**... her cone, and one is s**... her cone. Which one is married?"
The teacher is thoroughly puzzled by this. After a couple minutes' worth of thought, she answers, " well I suppose that it would be the one s**... her cone."
"Actually, it's the one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a cop pulls over a guy for wearing his seatbelt..
tells the citizen that his captain gave him a 100 dollar bill to give to the 100th person he sees wearing their seat belt. The citizen looks a little confused, but of course, accepts the note, and proceeds to leave. The officer asks, " So, if you don't mind my asking, what are you going to spend the money on?" To a reply of, " yes, i do mind your asking, and frankly, i don't think its any of your business." The officer of course is stunned, but , as he goes to leave, the drivers objects. "If you must know, i'll probably spend it on getting my drivers license." The cop is taken aback, as the passenger says, " Oh don't listen to him, he's drunk." Shortly thereafter, a knocking comes from the trunk, and a muffled voice says, " are we over the border yet?"
edited for grammar n**....
The man who ran over himself.
Person 1: Have you ever heard about the man who ran over himself?
Person 2: No, tell me about it.
Person 1: There's a man waiting at a bus-stop and he realizes that he needs to pick up some candy for his nephew, which he usually does when he goes to see him. Meanwhile, theres a little boy riding a tricycle by him, so he offers him $20 saying "Could you run over to the candy store and get some candy for me?" The boy refuses, so he ran over himself.
Inside the paper bag
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
9" high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting
it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
Piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke
and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only
allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want
A million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed
by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your
genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"No kidding!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch Pianist?"
A little joke my 9 year old brother told me
Timmy(brother): Hey Shane, how do you sell a chicken to a deaf person?
Me(Shane): How timmy?
He then proceeds to shout in my face, taking me off-guard
Timmy: WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Parish priest
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken i**... drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the FIRST ONE to go to him in Confession."
Welcome to the physchiatric hotline
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what number to press.
If you are maniac depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
If you are a depressive, don't press anything. Just sit there and cry.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A farmer and a hunter
A man is out hunting in the woods when he shoots a massive duck. The duck falls into a field owned by a local farmer. The farmer retrieves the duck but refuses to hand over the duck saying "Around here we have a little game to solve problems like this. Each person gets to kick the other is the c**... as hard as possible; the person who makes the least noise wins. Since the duck fell on my land I get to go first." The hunter eager to get his prize duck, accepts. The farmer proceeds to kick him with all of his might. The hunter collapses on the ground in agony but manages not to utter the tiniest whimper. After recovering he approaches the farmer and says "Now it's my turn, let's see if you can beat that!" To which the farmer replies "Nah it's okay you can have the duck."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was driving one day and I rear ended a car.
We pulled into a nearby parking lot and out of the car I had hit stepped a little person, a dwarf if you will. He said "I'm not happy",so I asked "Then which one are you?"
For my cake day, my favorite joke of all time: 87
There was a well-to-do businessman walking down a city sidewalk to get to his office, when he came across a construction site; he saw piles of tools and stacks of wood and concrete slabs, but no workers. The only person he saw was a lone worker, jumping up and down on top of a manhole. As the businessman walked closer, he could hear the worker shouting "87! 87! 87!" at the top of his lungs.
The businessman was intrigued. He went up to the worker and asked "why are you doing that?" The worker replied "oh man, it's so much fun, you gotta try it!" The businessman was skeptical, but he decided to humor the strange worker.
He stepped onto the manhole, and did a small hop, and mumbled "87." He jumped a little higher, saying "87. Hey, this is kinda fun!" He started jumping as high as he could, shouting "87! 87! 87! at the top of his lungs, when, at the top of his highest jump, the worker pulled the manhole cover out from under him, and he plummeted all the way down to the sewer.
The construction worker looked down the sewer, looked around, put the manhole cover back on, stood on top of it again, and began to jump.
"88! 88! 88!"
My Personal Favorite Little Johnny Joke
One day in class the teacher brought a bag. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy."Is it a peach?"Billy asks."No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking,"the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
Scientists decide they don't need God.
Some time in the future, not to terribly long from now there is a big scientist convention. At this convention they decide that there is no need for God anymore, scientists can do everything that God can do. So they choose a delegate to find God and inform Him of their decision and kindly ask Him to go do something else.
The delegate sets out in search for God. For forty years he wanders the world exclaiming out loud, "God!! Where are you, we need to talk." Eventually God gets tired of this guy's haranguing, takes pity on him. He forms a body and goes before the scientist.
"God, " trembles the scientist, "I've been chosen to tell you that since people can do everything you can do, we don't need you anymore."
"Really," says God.
"Yes. We can make new animals from base materials, change matter to energy, control the weather, heal illnesses and injuries. I could even make a person."
"Okay," says God, "let's have a little test, Show me that you can make a man." God and the scientist are suddenly surrounded by all the apparatus of a modern laboratory.
The scientist agrees, and reaches down to pick up a handful of dirt.
"STOP." shouts the Lord. "You get your own dirt!"
A gay man goes to church.
So a wealthy gay man living up life in the big city decides it's time for some quiet living. He moves to a small rural community where he hopes to make some friends and enjoy the clean country air. Figuring the best way to meet the neighbors was at the local church, he decides to attend services and get to know his neighbors. The church was a quaint little white building made entirely of wood. He felt out of place in a brand new Armani suit while everyone else was wearing suits that were at least a decade old from the look of them, and most likely handed down. During the service, he was moved by the preachers retelling of the prodigal son returned, and realized that the community he was now living in was more than just rural but poor as well. When the collection plate started to come around, he was amazed that only a few bills and some change were in it by the time it got to him. He silently took out his bill fold which had over a thousand dollars and put it all in the basket. When the basket was returned, up front, the pastor saw the huge bill fold and then cried out, "Will the person who made such a great donation please rise and select three hymns?" The gay man jumped up, pointed at three strapping young men and said, "I'll take him, him, and him."
2 Poles are watching a Football game...
There is an attack by one team and the first Polish dude says:
-I bet you 20 bucks he will not score
-You are on - Replies the second one.
The attack goes through and the person scores. So the the first
pole reaches for his wallet, but the second one stops him saying:
-I cheated a little, this is a rerun I knew he'd score, keep your money.
-I also watched the game before, though I am still surprised the goalie let the same goal happen twice.
An old Irishman walks into a bar.
Upon seating the bartender walks down to the old fellow and asks him what he'd like to drink. "I'll have 3 Guinness, one for me and two for me sons back home in Ireland." The bartender considers his request and pours and sets 3 pints in front of the old guy. The old man slowly drinks all three Guinness and leaves. This goes on for several months. One day the Irishman orders two Guinness. The bartender has learned a little about the old man and his sons and feels he has come to respect the old man and is concerned. "I don't mean to intrude or get personal," says the bartender, "but I couldn't help but notice you only ordered two Guinness today. Are both your sons okay?"
The old man looks to the bartender with a smile and says,"That's mighty kind of ya lad. My sons are fine. I just quit drinking."
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman...
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney, Australia.
"The view is fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional," said the Scotsman, "but I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you'd like. Then, when you've had enough drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid - ALL on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Now that you put it that way...
A christian m**... spends a year in a remote African village spreading the gospel. In that time the tribal chiefs daughter gets pregnant, and eventually has a baby that turns out to be white.
Outraged the chief confronts the m**.... Being the only white person his daughter had ever met, he accuses him of being the father and betraying his trust.
Calmly the m**... walks with the chief to the edge of the village where some sheep are grazing.
"Chief, there is always an explanation for everything. For example, you have over one hundred white sheep out there, but in the midst of them all is a single black lamb, and nobody even questions why. Now look at your situation and try to find understanding in your heart for this strange set of circumstances we now find ourselves in."
After silently watching the flock of sheep for a few moments the chief replies to the m**....
"Tell you what. You keep quiet about that little black lamb out there and I won't say anything about the baby."
If World War One were a bar fight.
Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.
Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.
Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.
Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a bar stool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
What "being a man" is about
A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".
"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".
The Monks and the Merchant. A joke penned by Leonardo Da Vinci
Franciscan begging Friars are wont, at certain times, to keep fasts, when they do not eat meat in their convents. But on journeys, as they live on charity, they have license to eat whatever is set before them. Now a couple of these friars on their travels, stopped at an inn, in company with a certain merchant, and sat down with him at the same table, where, from the poverty of the inn, nothing was served to them but a small roast chicken. The merchant, seeing this to be but little even for himself, turned to the friars and said: "If my memory serves me, you do not eat any kind of flesh in your convents at this season." At these words the friars were compelled by their rule to admit, without cavil, that this was the truth; so the merchant had his wish, and eat the chicken and the friars did the best they could. After dinner the messmates departed, all three together, and after travelling some distance they came to a river of some width and depth. All three being on foot--the friars by reason of their poverty, and the other from avarice--it was necessary by the custom of company that one of the friars, being barefoot, should carry the merchant on his shoulders: so having given his wooden shoes into his keeping, he took up his man. But it so happened that when the friar had got to the middle of the river, he again remembered a rule of his order, and stopping short, he looked up, like Saint Christopher, to the burden on his back and said: "Tell me, have you any money about you?"--"You know I have", answered the other, "How do you suppose that a Merchant like me should go about otherwise?" "Alack!" cried the friar, "our rules forbid as to carry any money on our persons," and forthwith he dropped him into the water
A bus full of ugly people get in an accident
They all died and went to heaven. God felt bad for all of these people and decided to give them all one wish. They all stood in line and the first person thought for a moment. Then the first person decided, I've spent my whole life ugly I wish to be beautiful. So god snaps his fingers and made him beautiful. The second person thought that was a great idea decided she too wanted to be beautiful. God snaps his fingers and made her beautiful. The next 3 people all wished to be beautiful as well. The guy at the back of the line stood there snickering a little as the next 4 people wish just the same. The last guy starts gigglinga little louder. The next ten people as made the same wish and now the last guys is laughing historically. Finally after everyone has made the same wish and now the last guy is up. God says let me guess you want to be beautiful too. The guy replies "nah make them all ugly again!"
Daddy, what's it like being drunk?
A little girl goes up to her dad and asks "Daddy, what does it feel like being drunk?" "Well," the father replies "You see those 2 telephone poles over there in the distance?" he says, pointing in the direction of the poles. "A drunk person would see 4 telephone poles there." The little girl, confused, replies "But daddy, there is only one telephone pole over there"
Two friends, Java and C, are sitting in a bar late one night having a chat.
Two friends, Java and C, are sitting in a bar late one night having a chat. Intrigued by their exotic languages, a steady stream of guys have been walking over to hit on them. However, they're all paying a lot more attention to Java, leaving poor C stuck in a loop back and forth to the bar.
After a few more iterations, C's feeling a little tipsy. Eventually, she plucks up some courage and asks the next guy why he's so keen on Java and not her.
He replies: "It's nothing personal C, really. I just prefer girls with a little more class."
A rich man and a poor man
There once was a rich man and a poor man. Each longed for love and a life to share with another special person. One day they both found just that. Come to find out however, they were each dating the other's sister.
So the rich man, being very protective of his little sister, organized a double date for the couples. While on the date, the rich man couldn't wait any longer and shouted to the poor man, "Anything you do to my sister, I do to your sister!" So the poor man thought for a minute. "Okay," he said and reached down in his pocket, pulled out a dollar and said, "Here sweetie, have my life savings."
What word starts with F, ends with UCK, and people look for it when it gets a little too hot...
A firetruck...
.. You dirty person you... :-)
This could happen to you.
This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know
what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doing' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who
keeps answering all my questions."
Answering machine message
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
The Pope and Hillary Clinton
The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display , but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that is possible; show me."
His Holiness then backhanded Hillary and knocked her off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land.
funny
A silly person went to a pharmacy to buy a milk for his little child,
the seller said :"what is the name"
the silly person reply him James
Who is the richest person in the Bible?
The Pharao's daughter.
She went to the bank of the Nile to pick up a little prophet.
So these two ladies die
and are waiting in purgatory to hear the results of their life audit. A door opens and two men walk in. An angel walks in with an ugly, hunch backed gremlin of a man. The angel says "Nancy, in 1982 you killed a duck, your punishment will be to spend your eternal life with this man". He slaps the the shackles on each of their arms and are sent off for eternity. A little while later another angel walks in with a gorgeous hunky stud. He slaps the shackle on her and the handsome man and are sent on their way. During their walk shes thinking she must have be a good person during her life on earth, when she's interrupted by the man's muttering "I shouldn't have killed that duck".
"Look, I know I'm just a deep dish filled with dough, tomato sauce, and mozzarella cheese... But you should really reconnect with your father."
"Hey! That's a little personal, pan pizza!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
John goes to Josh's apartment...
... but he wasn't home, and the person who answered the door was Kate, Josh's wife. She just got out of the shower, so she had a towel around her s**..., s**... body when she answered the door. After a little bit of small and awkward talking, John couldn't resist and told her:
"I will give you a thousand dollars right now if you drop that towel"
She thought about it for a second and thought "hey, a thousand dollars is a thousand dollars". She did what he asked, and was given the cash and John went back home.
A few hours later, Josh came home.
"Hey sweetheart! John dropped by earlier today."
"Oh, good! Did he bring the thousand dollars he owed me?"
What do you call a Mexican little person?
A paragraph because he isn't a full ese (essay)...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There once was a Little Girl named Sue...
She likes a lot of celebrities. But, every person she idolises commits s**.... Because they're Sue's idols! Hahaha?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter and he replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish?"
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other. As he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants.
The man says "I want a million bucks,"
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
The guy says to the other "Your genie really s**... at hearing doesnt he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
Little Johnny is back
In the class the teacher said: "the first person to answer my question will go home early".
Little Johnny threw his bag outside.
Teacher asked: "Whose bag is that???"
Johnny answered: "It's mine....
bye bye!"
A good catholic joke
The pope and Donald Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd!
The pope leans towards Trump and says "do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy?. This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Trump replied "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand... show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage! AND THE CROWD ROARED AND CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Walrus l**... pepper.
(Just made this up a little inebriated so be kind.)
Person 1: Whoa! Is that a walrus l**... salt?
Person 2: Na,Cl
Little kid ask His dad: daddy what is MACHO?
Dad:
its a person who is in charge, makes desicions, gives orders and everyone around obeys those orders.
Kid:
When I grow up I want to be a real macho just like Mom.
I was walking in the garden today
When I came across a small plant with a face on it.
Personally, I wouldn't say it was weird, but it was a little Odd-ish.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a little person with a PhD?
Doc.
Little-known fact: a certain former president keeps a large store of personal firearms at a warehouse near Birmingham, AL
It's known as the Barracks o' Bama
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a little person who just escaped prison, and is running down a flight of stairs?
It's a little con-decending..
How long does a weeks worth of food last a little person?
Depends on whether you put it in the top shelf, or bottom.
A Chinese man boarded a flight to Chicago and promptly sat down on the first seat he encountered.
He was soon told that seat was reserved for flight attendants. With his limited English he did not fully understand what he was told but hand signals soon got him to move a little further back.
Soon there was another person persuading him to move out of first class. Again he moved further back.
There was yet another discussion and he took no further chances and went to the very last seat in the tourist section.
Some time later a flight attendant asked him if he was 'For Coffee!'
Furious he replied, "You foh coffee, I stayah hee."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Got into an accident today...
...with a little person. He got out of his car and said
"I am NOT happy!."
" well which one are you?"
I was telling my French friend about the massage I got from a little person last week...
She said, Ah, oui monsieur?
I said, Well, yes, I guess he was.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a little person with ADHD in a washing machine?
Midget fidget spinner
They fired my friend, doctor, for sleeping with his patient
After 7 years of studying, they fired my friend, doctor. He slept with his patient and can no longer carry out his profession for this. So much effort, time, money, and hop, it's just a one little mistake that makes you lose everything. Dave, I stand by you, you are still a wonderful person and an excellent veterinarian for me!
What is the difference between a vegan on a diet and a flower child?
One's a very thin person, and the other is a little hippy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a little person who lets you walk all over them?
Bridget
A catholic man dies and goes to Heaven, there he learns that "lie clocks" exist for all humans...
A man is greeted by St. Peter, he quickly notices there are many objects that look like clocks attached to the walls.
St. Peter explains that every time a person tells a lie, the hand on their clocks spins just a little faster.
As he walks through the hallway, he sees mother Teresa's clock, which isn't spinning at all. He then sees Abraham Lincolns clock, and notices it is just slightly spinning. He asks, "just out of curiosity, where is Donald Trump's clock?"
St Peter replies "Oh its not here, Jesus uses it as a fan in his office."
