Little Mary Jokes

A little boy wants a bike for Christmas really badly, but the kid is a real bad seed, and he knows it. He writes a letter to Jesus. "Dear Jesus, if I get a bike for Christmas, I'll be good for a whole week." He thinks about it, crosses out what he wrote, and says, "I can't be good for a whole week, I'll be good for five days." He crosses that out and writes, "I'll be good for four days." Then he thinks again and says, "Can't do that." He gets down to one day and says, "I can't even be good for a day." Then in frustration, goes in his mother's room and get the statue of the v**... Mary, wraps it up in a blanket, puts it in a paper bag, throws it in the closet and says, "Dear Jesus, if I don't get a bike for Christmas, you'll never see your mother again!"

At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of s**... education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to s**... education on TV.
Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies.
"Great," said the teacher, "that's very important."
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married.
"Well, that has to do with it too," said the teacher.
Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all.
The teacher said, "Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with s**... education."
"Yes it does," said Johnny, " it taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne."

there were two kids in a sunday school...

there were two kids in a sunday school named adam and mary, adam was sitting directly behind mary and everytime mary raised her hand to answer a question, adam found it amusing to poke her in the back with his pencil.
"todays lesson we will be answering three questions and then you may leave" said the teacher. "first, heres an easy one. who did the v**... mary give birth to?" adam poked mary in the back with the pencil and she replied a little agrivated
"ahh! jesus!" the teacher was pleased with mary and asked the second question
"who is the ruler of everything?" again adam poked mary with his pencil and again she replied agrivatedly
"ahh! god!" the teacher obviously pleased with mary decided to ask a very hard question
"what did eve say to adam after they gave birth to their 100th child?" again adam pokes mary in the back with his pencil and she angrily turns around and snaps
"adam, if you stick that in me one more time, im gunna break it in half!!"

There is a little boy who wants a bike..

So he goes and asks his mom for a bike to which she replies that maybe if he prays, god will bring him a bike.
So he sits down and writes Jesus a letter .." Dear jesus, if you give me a bike I wont sin for 1 year.."
He walks down to the mailbox but before leaving the house sees his mother's statue of v**... Mary and suddenly feels guilty because he wont be able to avoid sin for that long. Defeated he heads back upstairs.
So he sits down and writes Jesus another letter .." Dear Jesus, if you give me a bike I wont sin for 6 months.."
He walks down to the mailbox but before leaving the house sees the statue of v**... Mary and feels guilty again. So, he picks her up and takes her to his room. He stuffs the statue in his toy box and begins drafting another letter.
"Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again, give me a bike.."

An old one my late grandmother used to tell

In a Catholic school English classroom, a nun was giving the lesson.
"Today, children, we'll be talking about rhyme. Does anyone have a rhyme they'd like to share?"
Several little hands shot up. The nun pointed to the smallest girl, Sally, in the front.
"Hey, d**..., d**...,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed
To see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon."
"Very good, Sally." said the nun. "Who else?" She called on a little boy, Jack.
"It has my name in it!
Jack, be nimble,
Jack, be quick,
Jack, jump over
The candlestick.
Jack jumped high
Jack jumped low
Jack jumped over
and burned his toe."
"Wonderful rhyme, Jack!" replied the nun. Now, in the back of the class sat Michael. Michael came from a loud Irish family and was known as a troublemaker. The nun had tried to pick the other students before him, but he was beginning to make a commotion so she sighed and called out "yes, Michael."
"I've got a rhyme for you, Sister" he said.
"Mary came from Boston, Mass. and went into the water up to her knees."
"Michael," began the nun, "that doesn't rhyme."
"Oh, I know Sister. But wait until the tide comes in."

The new boyfriend.

Mary and Nancy were having coffee at Mary's house when Mary said "Nancy, I don't know what I am going to do about my new boyfriend."
"What seems to be the trouble, Mary?" Nancy replied. "Well, it's a s**... problem, I'm a little embarrassed."
"What, is he too small, does he not last long enough?"
"No, no, nothing like that. It's just that all he wants to do is go down on me." "That's your problem?" Nancy said, "Most women would kill for that problem!"
"I know, but that's ALL he wants to do! A women needs some variety now and then, I need the D once in a while, you know what I mean?"
"Ok," Nancy replied, "Here's what you do, the next time you two are together, before you get intimate, take some raw garlic and rub it down there."
"Are you sure, Nancy?" "Yes, it will sting a little at first, but he won't put his face near there again." "Ok, Nancy, I'll try it."
A week later, the two friends are chatting again.
"So, Mary." Nancy said. "How goes it with your new boyfriend, did you do what I told you?"
"Yeah, Nancy, I did."
"Well, did it work?"
"No, it didn't, in fact, it's worse than before!"
"How can it be worse? did you use enough?"
"Yeah, I used plenty. that's not the problem."
"Then, what is?"
Well.......My boyfriends Italian,..........
and now he brings bread!"

3 Nuns die in a car c**......

...and as they have all dedicated their lives to God, their souls are immediately sent up to heaven, where they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Sisters, I know you are all devout followers of Christ, but unfortunately we have protocol to follow up in here in heaven, and I must first ask each of you a simple question before I can let you enter."
The sisters are somewhat surprised, a little nervous, but agree to answer St. Peter's questions.
"Sister Anne," he says, "who was the first man on earth?"
Sister Anne says "Oh that's an easy one, Adam!"
-GONG- The gates of heaven open up, and Sister Anne walks through.
"Sister Mary: who was the first woman on earth?"
Relieved, Sister Mary exclaims "Eve!"
-GONG- The gates open again, and Sister Mary enters, leaving only Sister Theresa behind.
"Sister Theresa...what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"
Sister Theresa pauses, the smile disappearing from her face. She realizes she can't think of the answer, despite her best efforts. Scratching her head in confusion and panic, she admits, "That's a really hard one."
-GONG-

Parents' Occupation!

The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
"Mary, what does your parents do?"
Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse.
"That's very nice," said the teacher. "Robert, what do your parents do?" Robert proudly exclaimed, "My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"
"That's very nice," said the teacher, "Johnny, what do your parents do?"
He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a h**...."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.
"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher.
Little Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my phone number."

Santa's Jokes

Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.
Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can h**...-h**...-h**....
Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.
Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.
Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.
Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.
Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!
Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.
Question: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track - all straight!
I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.
Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.
Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."
Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?
Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.
Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

"Now little ones, where do children go when they do bad things...?", Mrs Mary asked.

"I know! I know!", Little Johnny said with vigour, " they go behind the bushes in the playground!"
"Please little Johnny, mind what you say"
"Oh its true Mrs Mary!", voiced Susan enthusiastically, "T.J took me there and showed me his w**...."
The teacher gasped in horror as T.J smiled mischievously.
"Oh, it was like a peanut it was!"
"Hah, so it was tiny?", the teacher relieved, asked.
"No, salty!"

Little Johnny is at it again.

Little Johnny was sent home early from school one day. He had been very, very naughty with his classmate, Mary Jane. Little Johnny's mom was very upset with this news and she warned Johnny he was surely going to get it when his father got home.
Little Johnny's dad finally came home from work and right away mom told him Johnny was caught having s**... with Mary Jane at school. And she started to cry her eyes out.
Johnny's dad ran to the kitchen and made a huge ruckus looking through the cupboards. The mom stood nearby wondering what was happening. Finally, Little Johnny's dad found what he wanted and he picked up a large cast iron frying pan. He loudly told his wife to get out of the way but she started crying louder begging the dad to please not hurt Little Johnny. After all he was just a young boy. Johnny's dad said, "Hurt him be d**.... I'm not going to hit him. I'm going to fry him up a steak and some eggs. The poor kid can't screw on Corn Flakes!"

Little Mary earns fifteen dollars

One day, little Mary was coming home from school, and when she came home, she said, "Mom, I got five dollars!"
Her mother said, "Where'd you get the five dollars?"
Mary replied, "Well, little Tommy was up the tree and he asked me to do a cartwheel."
The mother said, "Mary, don't you know that he just wanted to see your p**...?.."
Little Mary got mad. She said, "Oooh..." and the next day, she came home with ten dollars.
"Mary, where did you get ten dollars?" said the mother.
"Well, I told you little Tommy was up there," said Mary, and her mother replied, "Mary, didn't I tell you he wanted to see your p**...?"
Mary said, "No, Mom, I fooled him! I wasn't wearing any!"

A new priest....

was extremely nervous about his first sermon in front of the Bishop. An older priest gave him this advice: "take a little of the communion wine. It will relax you."
The young priest, not sure how much he might need, drank until he started to feel relaxed. He got through the service and felt pretty good about his first sermon until he was called into the Bishop's office for a talk.
"First, young man, there are ten commandments, not ten suggestions....
Secondly, we don't refer to the v**... Mary as 'that prissy woman who married Joseph'...
And finally, it's The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit...
Not 'Big Daddy, JC and The Spook'!"

Little Johnny and classmates are asked to bring an edible item to the classroom...

"So, Mary, what did you bring today?", the teacher asks.
"An apple. We love apples at home."
"Great, what about you, Annie?"
"I brought a PB & Jelly sandwich. It's so yummy!"
"Everybody loves those... and you, what did you bring today?"
Little Johnny opens his backpack and grabs a light bulb.
"Johnny, why did you bring a light bulb? That's not an edible item..." says the teacher.
"Well, not in your home. But yesterday night I heard my dad tell my mom 'turn the light off. Now you're going to s**... it.'"