Little Kid Jokes

2 kids arguing.

2 little kids were arguing over who's dad has a better job. First kid says,"My dads a doctor." Second kis say,"Yeah well my dad's lawyer." Astonished the first kid says," Honest?" The second kid replied "No, the usual kind."

A little kid walks into his parents' bedroom while they're having s**...

The little boy asked, "What are you doing?"

His mother explains, "Your dad was full of air, so I was jumping on him to get it out."
The boy says, "That's really funny. Whenever you go out for work, your sister comes and blows him right back up."

Soviet Joke

Moscow, 1985, 3rd grade class
Teacher: Life in Soviet Union is great, all families have a nice apartment, a car, all children have nice toys!
Little Kid starts crying
Teacher: Vladimir, why are you crying??
Little Kid: I wanna go to Soviet Union!!

A plane just landed...

Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."
His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."
I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.

I was bullied...

When I was a little kid this other kid in a wheelchair used to bully me but I couldn't do anything about it because I felt bad making fun of him. So for the rest of my life people knew me as the guy who "couldn't stand up for himself" and I think that's ironic considering it all.

I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it

The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.
"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.
"But not while standing on the diving board!"

Two little kids.....

aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, Okay, you say a**...' and I'll say h**....'
All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. Aw, h**..., says the eight-year-old, gimme some Cheerios. His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. What'll you have?
I dunno, quavers the six-year-old, but you can bet your a**... it ain't gonna be Cheerios.

When I was just a little kid, I used to pray for a bicycle. Then as I grew older I learned in Sunday school, that's not how prayer works.

So I stole a bike...and prayed for forgiveness.

Today I saw two little kids fighting. As the only adult nearby, I had to step in.

Those kids didn't stand a chance.

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

IN HIS SLEEVIES!
Best used with little kids, or followed by maniacal laughter.

A prisoner spends years digging a tunnel out of jail ...

He comes up inside a preschool yard. He starts jumping up and down and screaming "I'm free!! I'm free!!"
A little kid tugs on his pants. The prisoner looks down and the kid says nonchalantly: "So what? I'm four."

What's the difference between Harambe and Michael Jackson?

Harambe got punished for touching little kids.

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics.

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics. She says: "Does anybody of you already know how to count? For example you, what's your name?"
"My name is George Lucas. Yes, I know how to count."
"Please show me."
"Four, five, six, one two, three."

Little kid in sunday school

the teacher is asking the 5 year olds questions, and asks one specific question to little Suzie; "And why is it important for us to be quiet when we're listening to the sermon, Suzie?" To which she replied, "because the old people are sleeping."

Little kid walks in on his daddy m**......

* Daddy, what are you doing?
* I am jerking off, soon you will be doing it.
* But why, daddy?
* Because my hand is getting tired.

A FedEx guy knocks on the door....

A FedEx guy knocks on the door. A little kid answers, n**... except underpants, smoking a joint & holding half a bottle of Scotch.
FedEx guy says "Kid, is your mother home?"
The kid says "What do *you* think?"

I bought a CD of ice cream van music.

Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces..

I saw a man beating the s**... out of a little kid, so I stopped to help

The kid didn't stand a chance

This morning my daughter asked if she could watch t**... videos.

Did you know that sometimes little kids make a t sound when they mean to make a k sound?
Anyway I gotta go I'm in a bunch of trouble.

A kid comes to his father and asks him what's the difference between hypothetical and practical?

The father says go to your mother and sister, and ask them if they'd have s**... with a complete stranger for one million dollars
The little kid does so and comes back to his dad... they both said yes he told him
Well then says the father *hypothetically* we have two million dollars in the bank... but *practically* we live with two w**...

A man was walking down the street...

...when suddenly he stopped and looked up at the sky. Curious, another man stopped next to him and also looked up at the sky. Soon more people came along and all of them looked up at the sky. Finally, a little kid approached and said, What are you all looking at?
The first man replied, I don't know about all of them. I just have a nosebleed.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car.
It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

Yesterday I saw a little kid who kept refusing to go home for a nap.

He was resisting a rest.

Old joke (1930s) - Little kid comes in late to school. Teacher says, "Why ya late?"...

Kid says, "Had a take a heifer down—get 'er bred."
Teacher says, "Couldn't your father do it?"
Kid says, "Sure he could, but not as good as the bull."

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Xbox?

They're both made of plastic, and little kids turn them on.

I saw 4 gang members beating up a little kid

So I decided to step in, there's no chance he can take all 5 of us.

A clown and a little kid were walking hand in hand down a dark deserted forest path and the little kid says "Gosh, it's spooky in here!"

And the clown says "What are you scared about? I gotta walk back all alone!"

When I was a little kid, I would wait up all night waiting for santa to come.

Then there was an awkward silence when he got up, put his pants on, and left.

Little kid ask His dad: daddy what is MACHO?

Dad:
its a person who is in charge, makes desicions, gives orders and everyone around obeys those orders.
Kid:
When I grow up I want to be a real macho just like Mom.

I saw a little kid crying. He told me he lost the $200 he had saved for his mom's birthday gift. So I opened my wallet and gave him $40

Why not? Just five minutes earlier, I found ten $20 bills!

So a little kid and a child m**... start walking into a forest.
They keep walking for what seems like hours, and it gets darker and darker and darker, and the forest gets deeper and deeper and deeper.
The kid turns to the child m**... and he says "Gee mister, it sure is scary out here!"
The child m**... says "How do you think I feel, kid? I'm gonna have to walk out of this forest by myself!"

Heard this joke from a little kid. Why was the broken phonograph in the Hall of Fame?

Because it broke all the records.

Pregnant Woman

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of s**... his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop s**... his thumb, he'd get fat.
Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

I been going to the same office since a little kid, so I feel obligated to keep goin, but lately the prostate exams are getting longer and more painful. Last time he even rubbed my shoulders during the exam...

I think I should look for a new dentist....

I was walking down the street the other day and I saw 4 guys ganging up on a little kid

I walked right on past because I figured reposting would be a bigger crime than helping beat the kid up.

A guy and a little kid are walking into the woods...

Kid say to the guy "but I'm scared of the dark"
Guy says "you think your scared I'm the one that has to walk out of here alone"

I know what you did

A little kid is often picking his nose. His mother tells him: "Honey, don't do this". The little kid asks "why?". The mother wants to think of some excuse so she says: "because... when you do it, then when you grow up, you will be fat like our neighbour next door."

After some time the little kid is in a subway train and spots a pregnant woman there. He starts to wink and point to her belly.

"Why do you do that?" asks the woman.

The little kid winks again: "I know what you did."

Little kids are like fidget spinners

They're overhyped.
Oh yeah and they spin easier when you stick something metal through them.

All of us had a good time with those Harambe memes

Now the joke is dead because all of you little kids jumped into it.

So little jimmy was peeing in the pool.

And the lifeguard yells at him, hey little jimmy, your not allowed to pee in the pool.
And little jimmy says to the lifeguard, but, but all the little kids pee in the pool.
And the lifeguard replies, Yeah, but not from the diving board...

When I grow up!

One day a child and his mother were walking down the sidewalk when they came upon a burning building. The fire department had just showed up and all the people inside were saved by the strong firemen. The little kid looks to his mother and says "mom, when I grow up I'm gonna be a fireman!". The mother replies "you're not going to grow up!, you've got luekimia!"

2 little kids, Billy and Tom, are goofing around in a cannibal village. Billys mum sticks her head out and yells...

"Billy, stop playing with your food!"

How do you make a s**... joke go to the top of the front page?

Just say you heard the joke from a little kid first.

As a little kid, I was unusually confident. I even used to call my first grade teacher "Sweetheart!"

He hated it.

It is an unspoken rule that if a little kid is hiding under a blanket or couch cushions, you are required to comment on how lumpy the blanket is and pretend to sit on it to try and "smooth it out.".....

Screw that, enjoy the peace, leave them there as long as possible. Just get a staple gun and staple the blanket down.

I could win an Olympic gold medal

If the women's gymnastic balance beam was a male competition too, I could win the gold medal. I've been mastering a 4 inch wood beam since I was a little kid

The first day of school...

The first day of school was always great. I remember mucking around in the classroom and wreaking havoc. Picking on the little kids and taking their lunch money. Asserting myself on the playground by tripping and pushing everyone.
I just hope the students were having fun.

What did the joints say to the arthritis pain?

Uh-Leave!
I made this up when I was a little kid and naturally thought I was a comedic genius for many unfortunate years to come.

I'm free! I'm free!

A prisoner is finally released, after many years in jail. He stands at the pavement, yelling, "I'm free! I'm free!" - A little kid walks up to him happily and joins, I'm four! I'm four!"

A Girl Named Texas

A girl named Texas lived with her brother Austin. The two had a father whose favorite knife of his was always left on the counter of his room. One day, Austin, being the little kid he is, grabs the knife and accidentally stabs Texas. The dad comes home from work a few hours later and sees his favorite knife missing. He then asks Austin who was alone with Texas,
"Austin, have you seen my knife"
Austin Replies
"It's Deep In The Heart of Texas"

I saw four guys beat beat up a little kid today, so I decided to help.

He had no chance against all five of us.

What's the difference difference between h**... and a little kid?

h**... didn't get a medal for trying to finish a race.

A little kid on a plane asks a flight attendant, "How come people can have babies, but planes can't have baby planes?"

The flight attendant tells the kid that is a question for the pilot.
She takes the kid to the cockpit and introduces the child to pilot and tells him to ask his question.
The kid asks the pilot "Why do people have babies but planes don't have baby planes?"
The pilot responds, "I can't speak for the other airlines, but this one always pulls out on time."

Heard a little kid telling this joke to his friend but failed to catch the punch line.

What do you call a stripper that lives under water?

Nobody believes me when I tell them I had a splinter when touring Spain and a playful little kid helped get rid of it.

Nobody expects the Spanish imp incision.

A little kid came up to me and said...

"I have two mommies."
"Really?", I said. "Your parents are l**...?"
"No, my mom's just a schizophrenic."

Where all the little kids go during the b**...?

Everywhere.

Little kids at the airport act like they're going to the dentist

I don't get what they're so afraid of. No ones going to dig at your cavities at the airport, unless you look like a threat.

Male employee at a kindergarten gets yelled at by little kids

"You're not my father!" Says a little boy.
"And that I'm thankful for..." Anwsers the employee
"...Especially after I saw your mother."

I heard there was a p**... roaming my neighbourhood.

I don't know who it could be, nearly all of my neighbours are s**... little kids...

I miss being a little kid on Halloween

Unfortunately I got in a little trouble for that last year

As a little kid, my teacher once said "If you can't say something nice, then say nothing at all."

So I said, "Okay. Your voice sounds really pretty when you say that steaming b**...."

How do you circumcise a priest?

Kick a little kid in the jaw.

I knew it would be rough raising little kids in Chicago when I already was 50 years old

But they beat me up every morning.