Little Johnny Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.



And three years later, that priest went to prison.

At age 13, Little Johnny was blessed with an eight inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?

She grounded him.

A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.

"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex.....

his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"

Curious Little Johnny

asks his Grandpa, "Do you still have sex with Grandma?"

"Yes son, but only oral sex."

"What is that?"

"I say fuck you, she says fuck you too."

Three kids are discussing who has the taller dad...

Tim: My dad is so tall that he can reach the top of a tree!

Bob: Well, my dad is so tall that he can reach the clouds!

Little Johnny: When your father reaches the clouds, does it feel soft?

Bob: I think so...

Little Johnny: Yeah, that's my father's balls.

Little Johnny

A door to door sales woman knocks on a door. Little Johnny opens the door holding a tumbler of scotch and a lit cigar. The woman, visibly shaken, asks "Little boy is your mother home?". Little Johnny takes a sip of his scotch and a draw from his cigar before he looks her dead in her eyes and says "What the fuck do you think?".

A teacher said to her class, "Suppose you were all millionaires, write what you would do"...

Everyone immediately began to write furiously, except little Johnny, who kicked back and put his feet on the table. The teacher walked over to him. "Why aren't you writing Johnny?" she asked. Johnny looked up. "I'm waiting for my secretary."

Little Johnny goes to his grandfather and asks him to croak like a frog.

"Why, sure Johnny. *Croak*", says grandfather.
"Yaaaaay", exclaimed Johnny. Confused, grandfather asks what's so exciting.
"Papa says we're going to be rich when you croak!", replies johnny.

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's good cos he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!'

NSFW Mommy takes little johnny to the zoo..

As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.
"What's that, Mommy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.
A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"
"That, son, is the elephant's penis."
"Mommy said it was nothing."
"Son, I've spoiled that woman."

Little Johnny

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mom in the tub...

He points at her crotch and exclaims, "What's that!?"

She quickly says, "Oh that's where daddy hit me with the axe."

Johnny replies, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt."

Little Johnny asked god a question.

Johnny: Is it true that a billion years for us is just a second for you?

God: Why, yes it's absolutely true!

Johnny: Is it also true that a billion dollars for us is just a penny for you?

God: You're absolutely right!

Johnny: Well in that case, may I have a penny?

God: Absolutely! Just give me a second.

Little doctor Johnny

A woman brings 10 year old Johnny home and tells his mother that she caught him playing Doctors and Nurses with her 10 year old daughter, Mary.

Johnny's mother says, 'Lets not be too harsh on them, they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.'

'Curious about sex? He's taken her fucking appendix out!'

[NSFW] Johnny is in sex-ed class...

...and the teacher draws a diagram of a penis on the board. She turns and asks the class,
"Does anyone know what this is?"
Johnny's hand shoots up and he says, "Yeah, I know! My dad has two of them!"
The teacher gives Johnny a quizzical look and asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yep," Johnny says with confidence. "He uses the little one to pee, and he uses the big one to brush the babysitter's teeth!"

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Little Johnny's mother was cleaning his room...

and while putting his clothes away notices some BDSM magazines tucked under his socks.

Unsure of what to do, Little Johhny's mother waits till her husband gets home and shows him the magazines.

Mother: I don't want this smut in my house, how are we going to punish him?
Father: I have no idea, but I'm sure as hell not spanking him.

Little Johnny

The teacher came up to Johnny's desk and asked can you tell me what separates you from a monkey.

Johnny said with confidence "the desk".

Little Johnny is walking through a park...

When a man in a van pulls up to him and says "Hey kid, I'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van"

Little Johnny looks at him and says "Shit man, give me the whole bag of candy, and I'll come in your mouth"

An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.

She asks her class: Whoever feels stupid at times stand up!
After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly.
The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel stupid from time to time?
Little Johnny replies: No ma'am, it's just painful to see you standing all alone.

A kindergarten teacher asks her students what animals provide us...

She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".

Joke provided by my ten year old son.

Little Johny

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Johnny says " Mas-ter-bate."

Ms Hall smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Billy says, "No, Miss Hall, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Little Johnny is back

In the class the teacher said: "the first person to answer my question will go home early".

Little Johnny threw his bag outside.

Teacher asked: "Whose bag is that???"

Johnny answered: "It's mine....
bye bye!"

Teacher:"Anyone who thinks they're stupid stand up!"

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

Little Johnny and the grave

Little Johnny is in his back yard patting down dirt on a grave. His neighbor sees this and comes over to investigate.

Johnny what are you doing?

Johnny replies Burying my goldfish.

The neighbor asks Well that's an awful big hole for a goldfish isn't it?

Little Johnny answers That's because it's inside your fucking cat.

One, day little Johnny asks his father,

"Daddy where do i come from?"
The mother and father, had been preparing for this, for a very long time.

"Well son, when a Man and a Woman love each-other very much..."

After explaining the details and science to his Son, who had a puzzled look on his face the Father turned to his child,

"Well son, does that answer your question?"

"Not really Susan from school told me she came from Italy."

Little Johnny

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to." the little boy replied.

"Of course you do." His mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house"

"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"

Grandad what's a cunt?

One day little Johnny goes up to his grandad and asks, "Grandad, what's a cunt?"
The grandad looks at him for a while then goes and gets one of his old porno mags. He flips it open, pages through and leaves it open on a picture of a naked woman posing.
"You see those two stars up there on top and that little black bar down below Johnny?"
"Yes."
"Well the person who put them there is a cunt."

Little Johnny...

runs to his older sister.
Johnny: "I know why girls don't have a penis, it drops away when they get older."
Sister: "Wait, how did you come up with this, Johnny?"
Johnny: "Well I went into your room and found yours under the bed!"

Johnny, give me a sentence with the word 'urinate'

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with the word 'urinate'.

-Little Johnny thinks for a minute-

Johnny: urinate, but if your tits were bigger, you're a 10.

Little Johnny was in class one afternoon

And the teacher asked him to come to the front and tell the class what he had done that weekend, hoping that it would be a nice clean story (ok...)

"Well miss, me and my mate grabbed a frog from the stream and shoved a firecracker up his arse th-"

Feeling a bit flustered and trying to inject bit of proffesionalism into the situation she inturupts him and stammers "R-rectum Johnny!"

"Wrecked 'im miss? We blew his fucking balls off!"

Little Johnny is in English class.

The teacher is teaching and then asks Emily to stand up and state a verb and use it in a sentence.

"Walk!" The teacher says very good, use it in a sentence now.

"I always walk to school in the morning!"

She then asks Adam to stand up and use a word in a sentence.

"Teaching!" The teacher says "great example, now use it in a sentence."

"The teacher is always teaching!" She tells him to sit down and asks Johnny to stand up.

"Urinate!" The teacher uncomfortably asks him to use it in a sentence.

"Urinate, but if you had a bigger butt you'd be a 10."

Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses

He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''

Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you cunt''

Little Johnny skipped school one day...

and since his house was next to his school, the teacher decided to visit Little Johnny's parents the next day after school, but his granddad was the only adult home. When he saw the teacher coming he said "Johnny! Your teacher is coming, hide and I will say you aren't here. "No," Little Johnny replied "you go hide. I told the teacher that I went to your funeral."

A teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence.

"The sky is definitely blue," said one girl.
"Nice try but the sky can be black or purple or even orange," replied the teacher.
"The grass is definitely green," said a little boy.
"Well... The grass can be brown too."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
"Yes Johnny?"
"Are farts solid?" asked little Johnny.
Finding this an odd question she was slightly shocked, but answered anyway, "No Johnny."
"Well I definitely pooped my pants."

My dad has 2 dicks

Little Johnny is sitting in Sex Ed class. The teacher draws a penis on the chalkboard. She turns around and asks the children what this is. Little Johnny stands right up and says "That's a dick! And I know cuz my dad has Two of them!"
"Two of them?!" The teacher exclaimed.
"Yeah, he uses the little one to pee and the big one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says...

"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Ms Hall smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's quite a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Hall, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Little Johnny went to the zoo with his parents.

He saw an elephant and asked his mom:

"Mom, what does this elephant has between its legs?"

Mom blushes and says:

" Oh, that's nothing."

Then Johnny turns to his father and asks:

"Dad, what does this elephant has between its legs?"

"That's elephant's penis"

"But mom said that it was nothing"

"Well, daddy spoiled mommy a little bit"

Translated Chinese joke

Good news: Today is the little Johnny's first time flying!

Bad news: The engine caught fire as soon as he took off

Good news: He took a parachute with him so he could bail out

Bad news: The parachute failed midair

Good news: He saw a huge stack of hay right beneath him

Bad news: The top of the haystack is smeared with sh!t

Good news: He didn't land on the sh!t

Bad news: He didn't land on the haystack either

A teacher asks Little Johnny what he wants to be when he grows up.

"I want to be a detective and follow in my father's footsteps," says Johnny.

"That's very admirable of you," says the teacher. "I didn't even know your father was a detective."

"He's not," says Johnny. "He's a jewel thief."

A Halloween joke for you.

Little Johnny is out trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He walked up to a house and said "trick or treat". The little old lady just gushed over his costume. She says to Johnny, "What a cute costume, but let me ask you....Where are your buccaneers?" Little Johnny says back, "They're under my buckin hat lady."

Little Johnny sees Mom in the shower

Little Johnny sees Mom in the shower... he asks, "Mom, what's that slit between your legs?".

Feeling a little flustered, she replies "Oh, oh..uh, that's where your father accidentally hit me with an axe!"

"Good shot", says Johnny. "Right in the cunt".

Little Johnny says "I'm sorry I'm late, teacher, my dad got burned this morning."

The teacher says, "Very badly?" and Little Johnny says "Well, they don't fuck about at the crematorium!"

How about some Little Johnny...

Little Johnny asks his Dad "What's between mom's legs?"
The father answers: "Paradise, my son."
Little Johnny asks again: "What's between your legs?"
The father replies: "The key to paradise."


Little Johnny says: "Piece of advice Dad, change the lock the neighbor has a duplicate key."

Little Johnny came home from school.

"I failed math today." He told his father.

"What?! How did you fail math?!" His father asked.

Johnny explained, "Well, she asked me what three times two is. I said six."

His father nodded, "Yeah, that's the right answer. And...?"

"Then she asked me what two times three is."

"What the fuck is the difference?"

Johnny exclaimed, "That's what I said!"

A teacher walks into the class, and says...

"Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

*Nobody stands up*

Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"

*Little Johnny stands up*

Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"

Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

Little Johnny's dad asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees...

Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have sex, I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"

Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.

Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!

Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.

"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".

"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.

"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".

Little johnny was asking his dad

J: Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential

D: Well, it's difficult to explain, so let me give you an example. You are my son - I'm confident about that.

J: How about confidential?

D: You see our neighbour little Timmy over there? He's my son - that's confidential

Little Johnny was learning about punctuation

The teacher was explaining all of the different punctuation marks.

She listed the comma, question mark and when she got to period; Little Johnny raised his hand.

He asked: Why are periods so important?

The teacher responded: Well, they are a fundamental part of the written language; why do you ask?

Little Johnny replied: Yesterday my sister said she missed a period and my Mom fainted, my Dad started yelling and the next door neighbor shot himself

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator.""Very good, that's a big word."The second boy says, "Predator." "Yes, that's another big word. Well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss." After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything." "Well my Mum has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

Mommy takes little johnny to the zoo..

As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.

"What's that, Mommy?" asks the child.

"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.

A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"

"That, son, is the elephant's penis."

"Mommy said it was nothing."

"Your mother's spoiled, Son!"

Teacher asks her class if anyone can tell her a three syllable word.

After several guesses from other classmates, little Johnny raises his hand.
The teacher reluctantly calls upon Johnny.
"Urinate" says Johnny.

"Correct" the teacher replies. "Can you now use it in a sentence?"

Johnny replies with, "Urinate, but if your tits were bigger you'd be a ten".

One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.

The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.

"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.

"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.

"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.

"That's because he's inside your cat!"

Little Johnny...

Little Johnny says to the teacher..

Miss, Miss I need to do a piss! The teacher says ' Johnny, the proper term is urinate. I want you to go to the toilet and when you come back i want you to use urinate in a sentence.'

Little Johnny goes to the toilet and rushes back. Teacher: ok Johnny, use urinate in a sentence. Johnny flashes back, "ok miss, urinate, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a 10!"

Little Johnny is in English class...

...and the teacher says "Okay class! Today we're going to learn about multisyllabic words! Now does anybody have an example?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and says "Ooh ooh ooh! I have one! Mast-ur-bate." he says.

The teacher, flabbergasted at Johnny's example, said "Well. That's a mouthful."

"No, miss, what you're thinking of is a blowjob," Johnny retorted, "I'm talking about jacking off."

Little Johnny

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johnny sees his mum in the bath...

He points between her legs and asks, "What is that, mummy?" His mum replies, "Johnny, that is where the crazy man hit me with an ax." Johnny replies, "Fucking good shot! He got you right in the cunt!"

Swearing Little Johnny

During class little Johnny kept swearing, everything was fuck this and fuck that.

Teacher, "Johnny, that is not a word a ten year old should be using."

Little Johnny, "There are worse words than that miss, like murder and death."

Teacher, "No Johnny, the word you keep saying is much, much worse than murder and death."

Little Johnny, "I disagree miss, I bet you would rather be fucked than killed."

A new teacher started her psychology class by saying,.......

A new teacher started her psychology class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."

Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.

Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."

The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:

"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."

Little Johnny lost his eye in a tragic accident

But being from a very poor family, he was unable to get a glass replacement. Instead, he was fitted with a wooden eye, which ruined what there was of his high school social life. No one would talk to him, and he had no friends. Finally senior year rolled around, and he found himself alone in the corner at senior prom. Scanning the room, he saw Susan, another loner, shunned by her peers because she had a rather unsightly hare lip. Gathering up his courage, he crossed the room and caught her attention.

"Susan, I was just wondering, since you're all alone, if maybe you would like to dance with me?" he asked.

"Would I!!" she replied.

"Fuck you, hare lip"

Little Johnny puts a dot on the blackboard (NSFW)

The teacher in her first grade class asks her students to come to the chalkboard and draw something that causes a lot of excitement and commotion. Little Johnny comes up and simply puts a dot on the chalkboard. The teacher asks "what is that?" Little Johnny replies, "it's a period." The teacher says "why does it cause excitement and commotion?" Little Johnny says "it doesn't, but my sister said she missed one this morning and my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the guy next door shot himself"

Little Johnny is in Catholic School

The nun teaching the class asks, "Where do you sense Jesus in your life?"

Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray."

Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass."

Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. Johnny says, "Jesus is in my bathroom every morning."

The nun, obviously confused, asks why Johnny thinks this.

Little Johnny answers saying, "Each morning that my Father is late to work, he pounds on the bathroom door saying, 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?"

What are the funniest little johnny jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Little Johnny? Well, here are the best Little Johnny puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Little Johnny pick up lines to share with friends.

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