Literally Jokes

Following is our collection of hannah humor and suddenly one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Literally puns for adults, dirty drastically jokes or clean deny gags for kids.

There is an abundance of priceless jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 58 funniest jokes on literally. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any essentially witze you can hear about literally.

The Best jokes about Literally

A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example:

*Ben is in a hurry.*

*Ben is in a coma.*

Why do you always see teen girls in groups of three?

Because they literally can't even.

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.

Why are there no transvestites in space?

Because there is zero drag.

 

 

^^I ^^literally ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^one ^^2 ^^hours ^^ago.

 

 

 

Leather armor is the best for sneaking because it's literally made of hide.


Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?

They just, like, literally can't even

What does idk stand for?

Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.

Why do white girls only travel in groups of 3, 5, and 7?

Because they literally can't even.

What do you call someone who take things literally

A kleptomaniac!

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

Because they always take things literally.

The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"


What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink?

I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW

Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?

Because they literally can't even.

Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in 3s and 5s?

Because they literally can't even.

When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady...

Literally. He can't catch.

Did you hear of the guy who could literally master any craft, provided he masturbated before learning it?

He was jack off all trades.

Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist.

I regretted it literally one minute later.

My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"

I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans.

Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe


Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?

Because they take things literally.

What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

Leather armor is perfect for sneaking

Its literally made of hide.

Why did the high school girl only answer questions 1, 3, 5 and 7 on her exam?

Because she literally can't even.

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

My wife told me to grow up and stop believing everything I see on the internet

But I don't need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.

A man and his wife go to a therapist.

Therapist: What brought you two here today?


Her: I hate how he takes things so literally.


Therapist: And you?


Him: A car.

An American boasts to a Soviet about the freedom of speech he has.

He says, "I can literally walk up to the oval office and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country' and I won't get into any problem at all!"

The Soviet replies, "I can do the exact same, too. I too can literally walk up to the Red Square and say, 'Comrade Brezhnev, I don't like the way President Reagan is running this country' and not get into any problem!"

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors?

Because they take everything, literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs like puns?

Because there are always taking things... literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs have a sense of humor?

Because they take everything, literally....

It's not fair that procrastination gets such a bad rap.

It has literally kept me alive for years.

So my dentist says to me...

So my dentist says to me, "you're the cleanest patient I've had all week!"

Then I respond, "Wow I deserve a plaque!"

This literally just happened. She lost it.

Why do teenagers travel in groups of 1,3,5 or 7?

Because they literally can't even.

My friend told me shes sexually attracted to horses and its tearing her up inside

Literally

Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding sarcasm?

They take things literally

Why is it difficult to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

Because they take everything literally.

I have a superiority complex

It's literally my ONLY flaw.

Adam felt sad and lonely in the Garden of Eden

"What is wrong, my child?" asked God.

"Lord, I am lonely," relplied Adam, "I wish I had a companion."

"Well, I've got just the one for you," said God. "She's perfect! She is lithe and youthful, and shall always remain so. She utters beauty when she speaks, and she listens with attention and compassion. She will desire you as much as you desire her. Adam, she's literally made for you."

"Wow, God, she sounds amazing! But what will this cost me?" Adam asked.

"An arm and a leg, Adam," replied God, "an arm and a leg."

Adam though for a moment and said, "Well, what can I get for just a rib?"

It's almost impossible to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.

Since they always take things literally.

A man was arrested for having sex inside a West Virginian Olive Garden with an employee.

Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.

So much for privacy...

Google: We really value your privacy

Twitter: We'd never collect anything

Apple: We securely encrypt everything on-device

Facebook: Literally gives you an ad for something you dreamt about

What do prime numbers and white girls have in common?

They literally can't even.

You know why you can't tell puns to a kleptomaniac?

Because they take everything literally.

Do you know why kleptomaniacs have such a hard time understanding puns?

Because they take things literally.

A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...

He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.

The dog spat out water and stood upβ€” the lifesaver saved it.

"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"

"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "I'M LITERALLY SOAKING!"

Never explain puns to thieves.

They take things literally.

California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.

Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep cracks in the Earth's crust. Of course, skeptics accused the cult of being merely generous to a fault.

World's most masculine name:

Guy Chapman
(It literally means "Man Manman")

Why don't kleptomaniacs get jokes?

They take everything literally

Why cant you tell a Kleptomaniac a joke?

Because they take things, Literally

Louis C.K. is the hardest working comedian in the business

He literally built and ended his own career with his bare hands.

Careful what you wish for!

I don't think I ever got over
my grandmother's death when I was a kid.
My grandmother died from a heart attack
during my ninth birthday party.
Literally while she was eating cake.
And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit.
I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But now I'm just careful what I wish for.

β€”Anthony Jeselnik

What do you need to have to do the dishes when you don't want to?

Dishcipline

This is literally a joke I told in a dream and I remembered it when waking up.

A man finds a genie who claims to be all-knowing...

The genie says the man may ask him one question, about anything he could possibly imagine, and he will answer truthfully.
The man, amazed, replies, "wow, and you'll know the correct answer to literally any question I ask?"
The genie answers, "yes." And disappears.

I literally just wrote a song about the Coronavirus, but I will never let anyone hear it.

It's too catchy. It'll be with you for weeks.

What did the blonde say when the classroom bully stole her pencil?

I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW

You heard about the guys breaking into stores and having sex with all the fruit?

They always come in Pears...

(Was literally just watching a live stream as I thought of this hopefully it hasn't been done before lol)

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes