Literally Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo momma.

A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example:

*Ben is in a hurry.*

*Ben is in a coma.*

Why do you always see teen girls in groups of three?

Because they literally can't even.

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.

Why are there no transvestites in space?

Because there is zero drag.

 

 

^^I ^^literally ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^one ^^2 ^^hours ^^ago.

 

 

 

Leather armor is the best for sneaking because it's literally made of hide.

Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?

They just, like, literally can't even

What does idk stand for?

Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.

Why do white girls only travel in groups of 3, 5, and 7?

Because they literally can't even.

What do you call someone who take things literally

A kleptomaniac!

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

Because they always take things literally.

The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink?

I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW

What did the two tampons say to each other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.

I literally traded a homeless guy a cigarette for that joke. Worth it.

Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in 3s and 5s?

Because they literally can't even.

When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady...

Literally. He can't catch.

Did you hear of the guy who could literally master any craft, provided he masturbated before learning it?

He was jack off all trades.

Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist.

I regretted it literally one minute later.

My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"

I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans.

Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe

Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?

Because they take things literally.

What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one cares..

But use chemicals to remove Polish and you're literally Hitler.

Hitler's proofreader for Mein Kampf was literally a Grammar Nazi.

Leather armor is perfect for sneaking

Its literally made of hide.

Why did the high school girl only answer questions 1, 3, 5 and 7 on her exam?

Because she literally can't even.

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

My wife told me to grow up and stop believing everything I see on the internet

But I don't need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.

A man and his wife go to a therapist.

Therapist: What brought you two here today?


Her: I hate how he takes things so literally.


Therapist: And you?


Him: A car.

Why is leather armour the best for sneaking?

Because it's literally made of hide.
*Ba Dum Tsss

I recently learned that the Chinese word for "anus" is 屁眼 which literally means "the butt's eye"

It really makes sense in hind-sight

An American boasts to a Soviet about the freedom of speech he has.

He says, "I can literally walk up to the oval office and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country' and I won't get into any problem at all!"

The Soviet replies, "I can do the exact same, too. I too can literally walk up to the Red Square and say, 'Comrade Brezhnev, I don't like the way President Reagan is running this country' and not get into any problem!"

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors?

Because they take everything, literally.

Sexism in today's society.

It's disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in today's society.

One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! "A fucking sandwich!" Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot; she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Fucking Subway!

Its disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in todays society...

One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Fucking Subway...

Why don't kleptomaniacs have a sense of humor?

Because they take everything, literally....

It's not fair that procrastination gets such a bad rap.

It has literally kept me alive for years.

My wife and I had a row and it finished with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees!

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man."

So my dentist says to me...

So my dentist says to me, "you're the cleanest patient I've had all week!"

Then I respond, "Wow I deserve a plaque!"

This literally just happened. She lost it.

Why do teenagers travel in groups of 1,3,5 or 7?

Because they literally can't even.

My friend told me shes sexually attracted to horses and its tearing her up inside

Literally

Last week, I went to a convention of Women without legs.

The place was literally crawling with pussies.

(Heard Willie Nelson tell it).

Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding sarcasm?

They take things literally

Why is it difficult to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

Because they take everything literally.

I have a superiority complex

It's literally my ONLY flaw.

Adam felt sad and lonely in the Garden of Eden

"What is wrong, my child?" asked God.

"Lord, I am lonely," relplied Adam, "I wish I had a companion."

"Well, I've got just the one for you," said God. "She's perfect! She is lithe and youthful, and shall always remain so. She utters beauty when she speaks, and she listens with attention and compassion. She will desire you as much as you desire her. Adam, she's literally made for you."

"Wow, God, she sounds amazing! But what will this cost me?" Adam asked.

"An arm and a leg, Adam," replied God, "an arm and a leg."

Adam though for a moment and said, "Well, what can I get for just a rib?"

It's almost impossible to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.

Since they always take things literally.

A man was arrested for having sex inside a West Virginian Olive Garden with an employee.

Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.

So much for privacy...

Google: We really value your privacy

Twitter: We'd never collect anything

Apple: We securely encrypt everything on-device

Facebook: Literally gives you an ad for something you dreamt about

What do prime numbers and white girls have in common?

They literally can't even.

I went to an amputee party last night.

That place was literally crawling with pussy.

People say I should be ashamed that I'm still a virgin...

I literally don't give a fuck...

Do you know why kleptomaniacs have such a hard time understanding puns?

Because they take things literally.

A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...

He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.

The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.

"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"

"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "I'M LITERALLY SOAKING!"

Never explain puns to thieves.

They take things literally.

California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.

Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep cracks in the Earth's crust. Of course, skeptics accused the cult of being merely generous to a fault.

I went to the super market today

I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

What are the funniest literally jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Literally? Well, here are the best Literally puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Literally pick up lines to share with friends.

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