Literally Jokes
128 literally jokes and hilarious literally puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about literally that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is about how taking things literally can inspire your creativity and constantly challenge you to become better at making jokes. Get ready for a collection of "literally the worst" jokes that will have you laughing uncontrollably! Hannah will show you why taking things literally can always be a good thing.
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Funniest Literally Short Jokes
Short literally jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The literally humour may include short essentially jokes also.
- A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example: *Ben is in a hurry.*
*Ben is in a coma.* - Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today? My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal.
Me: My truck. - I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon Like whoever created neptune literally read what Poseidon's main powers were and was like Ctrl C
- What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. - Why are there no transvestites in space? Because there is zero drag.
^^I ^^literally ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^one ^^2 ^^hours ^^ago.
- The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees. She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"
- What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink? I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW
- Someone asked me, since you have autism does that mean you take everything literally? I replied, no, that's a kleptomaniac.
- Never literally taking cooking instructions… It said chill in the fridge for an hour
I nearly died - When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady... Literally. He can't catch.
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Literally One Liners
Which literally one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with literally? I can suggest the ones about basically and technically.
- What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea? A supreme liter
- Leather armor is the best for sneaking because it's literally made of hide.
- Being a dog walker is so easy It's a literal walk in the park.
- It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... Because they always take things literally.
- Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist. I regretted it literally one minute later.
- Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac? Because they take things literally.
- How much soda does Kim Jung Un drink in a day? A Supreme Liter.
- Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding sarcasm? They take things literally
- I have a superiority complex It's literally my ONLY flaw.
- Never explain puns to thieves. They take things literally.
- World's most masculine name: Guy Chapman
(It literally means "Man Manman") - Using Homeopathy is really easy There's literally nothing to it.
- I know a burglar who doesn't understand figurative language He takes things literally
- It's crazy that they only have one unit of measurement in North Korea. A supreme liter
- once you use mac you never go back. there's literally no escape
Taking Things Literally Jokes
Here is a list of funny taking things literally jokes and even better taking things literally puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I attended a meet called "How Stop Taking Things Literally". "What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.
I said, "My legs." - Therapist: So what brought you two here? Her: I just hate how he takes things so literate
Therapist: What about you?
Him: A car - I tried telling a pun to a group of kleptomaniacs.. ..but they kept taking things literally
- I have a problem with taking things literally. My attorney advises me that it's called 'theft'.
- It's hard to explain why theft is wrong to a burglar... Because they tend to take things literally.
- My problem is I take things too literally. Like when my wife said she'd give an arm and a leg to lose weight.
- The Real Problem With Kleptomaniacs... Is That They Take Things Literally
- Doctor, doctor... I keep taking things literally. Doctor: try not to be so serious all the time.
Me: no, you don't understand, I'm a Kleptomaniac - I have a hard time talking to kleptomaniacs. They're always taking things literally.
- The stop taking things literally course Huggo: Hi, is this the stop taking things literally course?
Teacher: Yes, please take a seat
Huggo: Ok sure! *Takes a seat and walks out of the class*
Teacher:
Literally Means Jokes
Here is a list of funny literally means jokes and even better literally means puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A co-worker asked me "How's it going?" Me: "I can't complain."
Coworker: "Hey it's great you're having a good day!"
Me: "No I mean I literally can't complain. HR said it's affecting morale." - The American view of the world is too self-centered... I mean on maps they literally label their country "US."
- Why are people obese? I mean obesity is literally a problem u can run way from
- Why should you never marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
I read that joke in 1998 in an SI for Kids magazine and it literally is the only joke I can tell from memory. - Why does Noel have an L in it I mean, it literally say No L
- Inappropriately early decorations really annoy me I mean christmas is literally a year away, and all the houses on my street are decked out already!
- It's pretty awful how we treat horses in society... ... I mean they're literally the glue that holds our world together!
- Did you hear? The Rolling Stones are in Nepal! ... Oh you mean literally..Right.
Literally Translates Jokes
Here is a list of funny literally translates jokes and even better literally translates puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- In Japanese, they don't say "moon." They say "tsuki," which literally translates to "moon," and I think that's how language works.
- The Buddhist idea of Nirvana literally translates to "Blown Out" Typically in reference to something like a candle, but occasionally to Kurt Cobain's brains.
- German teens sometimes say Ich bin Griechenland when they're broke which literally translates to I am Greece.
- Non-native English speakers, try to literally translate jokes from your own language We might get some weird/funny stuff
Literally The Worst Jokes
Here is a list of funny literally the worst jokes and even better literally the worst puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I hate hyperbole It's literally the worst thing in the world.
- I am literally the worst at self-deprecation I came up with it all by myself!
Hilarious Fun Literally Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about literally you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean precisely jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make literally pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Careful what you wish for!
I don't think I ever got over
my grandmother's death when I was a kid.
My grandmother died from a heart attack
during my ninth birthday party.
Literally while she was eating cake.
And I guess that must have s**... me up a little bit.
I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But now I'm just careful what I wish for.
—Anthony Jeselnik
A man finds a genie who claims to be all-knowing...
The genie says the man may ask him one question, about anything he could possibly imagine, and he will answer truthfully.
The man, amazed, replies, "wow, and you'll know the correct answer to literally any question I ask?"
The genie answers, "yes." And disappears.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was arrested for having s**... inside a West Virginian olive Garden with an employee.
Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.
What do you need to have to do the dishes when you don't want to?
Dishcipline
This is literally a joke I told in a dream and I remembered it when waking up.
My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"
I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."
Kevin fills a beaker of water and places it on the machine...
"One liter of water." it read.
Kevin gasped and sat back in his chair
"This speaks volumes..."
So my dentist says to me...
So my dentist says to me, "you're the cleanest patient I've had all week!"
Then I respond, "Wow I deserve a plaque!"
This literally just happened. She lost it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in 3s and 5s?
Because they literally can't even.
A coworker just asked me if I was voted most likely to take a joke literally by my high school yearbook committee...
That wasn't even a real superlative. I swear, this guy...
What did the pavement smoother say after he lost his hands?
"I literally can't even."
A farmer once successfully bred a three-legged chicken...
and bragged about it to his neighbors on how fast it was. A billionaire was passing by and took a liking to it. So he made a million dollar offer to the farmer for the chicken. Surprisingly, the farmer declined.
'Then, I'll give you five million for it,' said the billionaire.
'Sorry, I can't,' said the farmer.
'10 million dollars, I don't believe you'll turn down the offer'
'I'm truly sorry. I can't.'
The billionaire was stumped and asked, 'Is 10 million not enough?'
The farmer only sighed and reply, 'It's not that I don't want to sell it, that darned chicken is literally too fast for me to catch it.'
(ROGUE ONE SPOILER) So the nickname...
Throughout the movie, you see Galen calls Jyn his stardust, I thought it was pretty cute.
I just didn't expect it to be so literal though.
I love hyperbole
It is literally the best thing ever!
The pros and cons of being overly literal
PROS:
People who profit as a result of their occupation.
CONS:
People found guilty of a criminal offense.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make a human corpse float?
Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.
Why don't Millenial barbers ever get sideburns right?
They literally can't even.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend told me shes s**... attracted to horses and its tearing her up inside
Literally
Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest,
... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."
[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]
My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've invented a new brand of c**... that will literally blow your head off.
I call it Kurt c**....
ESPN literally hired a potato for one of its broadcasts
When asked why they responded that they needed a common tater.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do you always see teen girls in groups of three?
Because they literally can't even.
What did the blonde say when the classroom bully stole her pencil?
I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW
Louis C.K. is the hardest working comedian in the business
He literally built and ended his own career with his bare hands.
California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.
Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep cracks in the Earth's crust. Of course, skeptics accused the cult of being merely generous to a fault.
My wife told me to grow up and stop believing everything I see on the internet
But I don't need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear of the guy who could literally master any craft, provided he m**... before learning it?
He was j**... all trades.
So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.
I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?
So much for privacy...
Google: We really value your privacy
Twitter: We'd never collect anything
Apple: We securely encrypt everything on-device
Facebook: Literally gives you an ad for something you dreamt about
It's not fair that procrastination gets such a bad rap.
It has literally kept me alive for years.
Why were all the big bottles following the little bottle?
The little bottle was a liter.
Why did the high school girl only answer questions 1, 3, 5 and 7 on her exam?
Because she literally can't even.
Literally the guy you asked for
A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, Looking for a guy that won't beat me, won't run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.
Three days later, there's a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there's a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. Dear Amy, he says, I have no arms so I couldn't even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can't run away on you. I'm your guy.
That's very nice, says Amy, surprised, but how will you be able to satisfy me?
His smile widens, You did hear the knocking, didn't you?
Adding a PERIOD to a sentence can literally change everything, too. For example...
*I heard Jane was riding on her bike.*
Becomes...
*I heard Jane was riding on her period.*
What did the alien say to the glass of water?
Take me to your liter.
The other day I found this literal fossil of a PC...
It had about a trilobyte of storage on it!
A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...
He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.
The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.
"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"
"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "I'M LITERALLY SOAKING!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 1,3,5 or 7?
Because they literally can't even.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?
They just, like, literally can't even
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Boneless children joke
c**... Is Literally Boneless Children.
I literally just wrote a song about the Coronavirus, but I will never let anyone hear it.
It's too catchy. It'll be with you for weeks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You heard about the guys breaking into stores and having s**... with all the fruit?
They always come in Pears...
(Was literally just watching a live stream as I thought of this hopefully it hasn't been done before lol)
I have an Asian friend who never says anything untrue.
Literal Lee.
i went to go tell my best friend about the new schizophrenia meds i got today...
i literally cannot find him anywhere.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3, 5 and 7?
Because they literally can't even
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
Note: saw it on 9gag but I had to share it because I literally was laughing out loud
I came home from work to see a note from my girlfriend taped to the refrigerator. It said, "You're too literal. This isn't working, so I'm leaving you."
I don't understand. The light came on when I opened the door, and all the food was still cold.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kick me out after this one
So if you go for a s**... at 11:59pm and you still on it at 12:01am does that literally mean it's same s**... different day?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, s**... and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of time
Just like yo mamma
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
o**... guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink
I'm literally shaking right now
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call 2 pirates that like each other?
a pirate ship
i know it s**... but i literally made this on the spot like a couple mins ago and thought to share it
Books about earthquakes are extremely popular.
They're literally flying off the shelves.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man is driving a car on a busy freeway
He receives a call from his concerned daughter.
"Dad, please be careful! I just saw on the news some idiot is driving the freeway on the wrong side of the road."
"One idiot? There are literally hundreds of them!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Special
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's the special tonight?" he asks the bartender. "It's our blue cheese bacon burger," the bartender replies. "Do you want to try one?" "Nah. I hate blue cheese," the guy replies. "I mean it's literally just cheese full of bacteria." "Hey," the bartender says, clearly offended. "You need to stop discriminating against other cultures."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Every s**...-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
**Every** s**...-Doo **episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.**
Finally got my daughter to admit I can make good dad jokes... occasionally.
My 10 year old was putting away her laundry, and I noticed that she had a large pile of unfolded socks. I asked her why she hadn't put them away yet, and she said, "I can't because these are all single."
I said, "I know why they are single. They haven't found their sole mates yet."
She literally snorted, and told me that I finally made a good one.
I literally just last week realized there is no such thing as "the heavy end" 🤦
I am a 28 year old male, and for as long as I can remember every time me and my dad move something, such as a chair, or a couch, or a coffee table, he said "alright I'll get the heavy end" and idk why I always just assumed he was being nice and getting the heavier side.
And it literally just occurred to me within the last few weeks when we picked something up, there's no heavy end. They're both the same weight 😭😭😭
I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating politicians
I was literally in my office doing nothing...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Grammar n**... are literally the worst."
"No, actual n**... are literally the worst."
Never literally taking cooking instructions…
After my first attempt to make a cake, the fireman told me that when it says to grease the bottom of the pan, they meant to say the inside of the pan . . .
