Just like yo momma.
*Ben is in a hurry.*
*Ben is in a coma.*
Because they literally can't even.
Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.
Because there is zero drag.
^^I ^^literally ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^one ^^2 ^^hours ^^ago.
They just, like, literally can't even
Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.
Because they literally can't even.
A kleptomaniac!
Because they always take things literally.
She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"
I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW
Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.
I literally traded a homeless guy a cigarette for that joke. Worth it.
Because they literally can't even.
Literally. He can't catch.
He was jack off all trades.
I regretted it literally one minute later.
I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."
Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe
Because they take things literally.
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
But use chemicals to remove Polish and you're literally Hitler.
Its literally made of hide.
Because she literally can't even.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?
But I don't need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.
Therapist: What brought you two here today?
Her: I hate how he takes things so literally.
Therapist: And you?
Him: A car.
Because it's literally made of hide.
*Ba Dum Tsss
It really makes sense in hind-sight
He says, "I can literally walk up to the oval office and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country' and I won't get into any problem at all!"
The Soviet replies, "I can do the exact same, too. I too can literally walk up to the Red Square and say, 'Comrade Brezhnev, I don't like the way President Reagan is running this country' and not get into any problem!"
Because they take everything, literally.
It's disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in today's society.
One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! "A fucking sandwich!" Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot; she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.
Fucking Subway!
One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.
Fucking Subway...
Because they take everything, literally....
It has literally kept me alive for years.
She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man."
So my dentist says to me, "you're the cleanest patient I've had all week!"
Then I respond, "Wow I deserve a plaque!"
This literally just happened. She lost it.
Because they literally can't even.
Literally
The place was literally crawling with pussies.
(Heard Willie Nelson tell it).
They take things literally
Because they take everything literally.
It's literally my ONLY flaw.
"What is wrong, my child?" asked God.
"Lord, I am lonely," relplied Adam, "I wish I had a companion."
"Well, I've got just the one for you," said God. "She's perfect! She is lithe and youthful, and shall always remain so. She utters beauty when she speaks, and she listens with attention and compassion. She will desire you as much as you desire her. Adam, she's literally made for you."
"Wow, God, she sounds amazing! But what will this cost me?" Adam asked.
"An arm and a leg, Adam," replied God, "an arm and a leg."
Adam though for a moment and said, "Well, what can I get for just a rib?"
Since they always take things literally.
Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.
Google: We really value your privacy
Twitter: We'd never collect anything
Apple: We securely encrypt everything on-device
Facebook: Literally gives you an ad for something you dreamt about
They literally can't even.
That place was literally crawling with pussy.
I literally don't give a fuck...
Because they take things literally.
He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.
The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.
"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"
"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "I'M LITERALLY SOAKING!"
They take things literally.
Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep cracks in the Earth's crust. Of course, skeptics accused the cult of being merely generous to a fault.
I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
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