The Best 63 Literally Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Literally jokes. There are some literally suddenly jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these literally deny puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Literally Jokes and Puns
A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example:
*Ben is in a hurry.*
*Ben is in a coma.*
Careful what you wish for!
I don't think I ever got over
my grandmother's death when I was a kid.
My grandmother died from a heart attack
during my ninth birthday party.
Literally while she was eating cake.
And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit.
I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But now I'm just careful what I wish for.
—Anthony Jeselnik
Why is it difficult to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
Because they take everything literally.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...
Because they always take things literally.
Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?
Because they take things literally.
A man was arrested for having sex inside a West Virginian Olive Garden with an employee.
Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.
What do prime numbers and white girls have in common?
They literally can't even.
What do you need to have to do the dishes when you don't want to?
Dishcipline
This is literally a joke I told in a dream and I remembered it when waking up.
Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors?
Because they take everything, literally.
I have a superiority complex
It's literally my ONLY flaw.
Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding sarcasm?
They take things literally
You can explore literally hannah reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean literally drastically dad jokes. There are also literally puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What does idk stand for?
Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.
Why are there no transvestites in space?
Because there is zero drag.
^^I ^^literally ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^one ^^2 ^^hours ^^ago.
What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink?
I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW
Leather armor is the best for sneaking because it's literally made of hide.
My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"
I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."
Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye
Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.
So my dentist says to me...
So my dentist says to me, "you're the cleanest patient I've had all week!"
Then I respond, "Wow I deserve a plaque!"
This literally just happened. She lost it.
Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in 3s and 5s?
Because they literally can't even.
Why don't kleptomaniacs have a sense of humor?
Because they take everything, literally....
What do you call someone who take things literally
A kleptomaniac!
Why do white girls only travel in groups of 3, 5, and 7?
Because they literally can't even.
Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist.
I regretted it literally one minute later.
Do you know why kleptomaniacs have such a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally.
My friend told me shes sexually attracted to horses and its tearing her up inside
Literally
My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
World's most masculine name:
Guy Chapman
(It literally means "Man Manman")
Why do you always see teen girls in groups of three?
Because they literally can't even.
Louis C.K. is the hardest working comedian in the business
He literally built and ended his own career with his bare hands.
An American boasts to a Soviet about the freedom of speech he has.
He says, "I can literally walk up to the oval office and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country' and I won't get into any problem at all!"
The Soviet replies, "I can do the exact same, too. I too can literally walk up to the Red Square and say, 'Comrade Brezhnev, I don't like the way President Reagan is running this country' and not get into any problem!"
California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.
Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep cracks in the Earth's crust. Of course, skeptics accused the cult of being merely generous to a fault.
My wife told me to grow up and stop believing everything I see on the internet
But I don't need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.
Did you hear of the guy who could literally master any craft, provided he masturbated before learning it?
He was jack off all trades.
So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.
I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?
So much for privacy...
Google: We really value your privacy
Twitter: We'd never collect anything
Apple: We securely encrypt everything on-device
Facebook: Literally gives you an ad for something you dreamt about
It's not fair that procrastination gets such a bad rap.
It has literally kept me alive for years.
When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady...
Literally. He can't catch.
Why did the high school girl only answer questions 1, 3, 5 and 7 on her exam?
Because she literally can't even.
Literally the guy you asked for
A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, Looking for a guy that won't beat me, won't run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.
Three days later, there's a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there's a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. Dear Amy, he says, I have no arms so I couldn't even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can't run away on you. I'm your guy.
That's very nice, says Amy, surprised, but how will you be able to satisfy me?
His smile widens, You did hear the knocking, didn't you?
My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans.
Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe
The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.
She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"
Never explain puns to thieves.
They take things literally.
What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
Leather armor is perfect for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
It's almost impossible to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.
Since they always take things literally.
A man and his wife go to a therapist.
Therapist: What brought you two here today?
Her: I hate how he takes things so literally.
Therapist: And you?
Him: A car.
A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...
He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.
The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.
"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"
"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "I'M LITERALLY SOAKING!"
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 1,3,5 or 7?
Because they literally can't even.
Why don't kleptomaniacs get jokes?
They take everything literally
Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?
They just, like, literally can't even
Why don't kleptomaniacs like puns?
Because there are always taking things... literally.
You know why you can't tell puns to a kleptomaniac?
Because they take everything literally.
Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?
Because they literally can't even.
Why cant you tell a Kleptomaniac a joke?
Because they take things, Literally
What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
Marvel should use the Hulk in more of its advertising.
He's literally a giant Banner.
Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3, 5 and 7?
Because they literally can't even
I got sick of being an assasin; so I hired myself to off me.
Now my work is literally killing me.
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
Note: saw it on 9gag but I had to share it because I literally was laughing out loud
Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.
Me: When the hell did my resume learn to talk?
This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.
Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?
Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.
Always have a sadistic person light your grill
After all, they're literally pro-pain...
A co-worker asked me "How's it going?"
Me: "I can't complain."
Coworker: "Hey it's great you're having a good day!"
Me: "No I mean I literally can't complain. HR said it's affecting morale."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the literally priceless jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working literally essentially piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.