Literally Jokes
133 literally jokes and hilarious literally puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about literally that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is about how taking things literally can inspire your creativity and constantly challenge you to become better at making jokes. Get ready for a collection of "literally the worst" jokes that will have you laughing uncontrollably! Hannah will show you why taking things literally can always be a good thing.
Quick Jump To
- Short Literally Jokes
- Literally One Liners
- Taking Things Literally Jokes
- Literally Means Jokes
- Literally Translated Jokes
- Literally The Worst Jokes
- More Literally Jokes
Funniest Literally Short Jokes
Short literally jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The literally humour may include short essentially jokes also.
- A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example: *Ben is in a hurry.*
*Ben is in a coma.* - Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today? My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal.
Me: My truck. - I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon Like whoever created neptune literally read what Poseidon's main powers were and was like Ctrl C
- What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. - Why are there no transvestites in space? Because there is zero drag.
^^I ^^literally ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^one ^^2 ^^hours ^^ago.
- Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7? They just, like, literally can't even
- Why do white girls only travel in groups of 3, 5, and 7? Because they literally can't even.
- The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees. She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"
- What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink? I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW
- Someone asked me, since you have autism does that mean you take everything literally? I replied, no, that's a kleptomaniac.
Share These Literally Jokes With Friends
Literally One Liners
Which literally one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with literally? I can suggest the ones about basically and technically.
- What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea? A supreme liter
- Why do you always see teen girls in groups of three? Because they literally can't even.
- Leather armor is the best for sneaking because it's literally made of hide.
- Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3, 5 and 7? Because they literally can't even
- What does idk stand for? Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.
- Being a dog walker is so easy It's a literal walk in the park.
- A literalist takes things literally A kleptomaniac takes things, literally
- What do you call someone who take things literally A kleptomaniac!
- It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... Because they always take things literally.
- Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers? Because they literally can't even.
- Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in 3s and 5s? Because they literally can't even.
- Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist. I regretted it literally one minute later.
- Yo mama is so fat She is literally attractive
- Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac? Because they take things literally.
- Why don't Kleptomaniacs understand puns? They always take things literally
Taking Things Literally Jokes
Here is a list of funny taking things literally jokes and even better taking things literally puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I attended a meet called "How Stop Taking Things Literally". "What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.
I said, "My legs." - What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
- Why do kleptomaniacs hate puns? Because they take things literally.
- A man and his wife go to a therapist. Therapist: What brought you two here today?
Her: I hate how he takes things so literally.
Therapist: And you?
Him: A car. - Why don't kleptomaniacs like puns? Because there are always taking things... literally.
- Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding sarcasm? They take things literally
- Why don't thieves understand sarcasm? They take things literally
- It's almost impossible to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. Since they always take things literally.
- Do you know why kleptomaniacs have such a hard time understanding puns? Because they take things literally.
- Never explain puns to thieves. They take things literally.
Literally Means Jokes
Here is a list of funny literally means jokes and even better literally means puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- World's most masculine name: Guy Chapman
(It literally means "Man Manman") - A co-worker asked me "How's it going?" Me: "I can't complain."
Coworker: "Hey it's great you're having a good day!"
Me: "No I mean I literally can't complain. HR said it's affecting morale." - The American view of the world is too self-centered... I mean on maps they literally label their country "US."
- Why are people obese? I mean obesity is literally a problem u can run way from
- Why should you never marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
I read that joke in 1998 in an SI for Kids magazine and it literally is the only joke I can tell from memory. - Why does Noel have an L in it I mean, it literally say No L
- Inappropriately early decorations really annoy me I mean christmas is literally a year away, and all the houses on my street are decked out already!
- It's pretty awful how we treat horses in society... ... I mean they're literally the glue that holds our world together!
- I just got a Note 7. Honestly, I think it's pretty gay... I mean, it's literally flaming.
- Did you hear? The Rolling Stones are in Nepal! ... Oh you mean literally..Right.
Literally Translated Jokes
Here is a list of funny literally translated jokes and even better literally translated puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- In Japanese, they don't say "moon." They say "tsuki," which literally translates to "moon," and I think that's how language works.
- The Buddhist idea of Nirvana literally translates to "Blown Out" Typically in reference to something like a candle, but occasionally to Kurt Cobain's brains.
- German teens sometimes say Ich bin Griechenland when they're broke which literally translates to I am Greece.
- Non-native English speakers, try to literally translate jokes from your own language We might get some weird/funny stuff
Literally The Worst Jokes
Here is a list of funny literally the worst jokes and even better literally the worst puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans. Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe
- I hate hyperbole It's literally the worst thing in the world.
- What's the worst gift to give to a Jewish person on Christmas? Literally anything.
- I am literally the worst at self-deprecation I came up with it all by myself!
- "Grammar n**... are literally the worst." "No, actual n**... are literally the worst."
Hilarious Fun Literally Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about literally you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean precisely jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make literally pranks.
Why is it difficult to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
Because they take everything literally.
A man was arrested for having s**... inside a West Virginian olive Garden with an employee.
Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.
What do prime numbers and white girls have in common?
They literally can't even.
Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors?
Because they take everything, literally.
I have a superiority complex
It's literally my ONLY flaw.
My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"
I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."
Kevin fills a beaker of water and places it on the machine...
"One liter of water." it read.
Kevin gasped and sat back in his chair
"This speaks volumes..."
Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye
Use chemicals to remove the polish and you're literally h**....
So my dentist says to me...
So my dentist says to me, "you're the cleanest patient I've had all week!"
Then I respond, "Wow I deserve a plaque!"
This literally just happened. She lost it.
Why don't kleptomaniacs have a sense of humor?
Because they take everything, literally....
A farmer once successfully bred a three-legged chicken...
and bragged about it to his neighbors on how fast it was. A billionaire was passing by and took a liking to it. So he made a million dollar offer to the farmer for the chicken. Surprisingly, the farmer declined.
'Then, I'll give you five million for it,' said the billionaire.
'Sorry, I can't,' said the farmer.
'10 million dollars, I don't believe you'll turn down the offer'
'I'm truly sorry. I can't.'
The billionaire was stumped and asked, 'Is 10 million not enough?'
The farmer only sighed and reply, 'It's not that I don't want to sell it, that darned chicken is literally too fast for me to catch it.'
(ROGUE ONE SPOILER) So the nickname...
Throughout the movie, you see Galen calls Jyn his stardust, I thought it was pretty cute.
I just didn't expect it to be so literal though.
The pros and cons of being overly literal
PROS:
People who profit as a result of their occupation.
CONS:
People found guilty of a criminal offense.
How do you make a human corpse float?
Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.
My friend told me shes s**... attracted to horses and its tearing her up inside
Literally
Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest,
... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."
[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]
My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
How much soda does Kim Jung Un drink in a day?
A Supreme Liter.
An American boasts to a Soviet about the freedom of speech he has.
He says, "I can literally walk up to the oval office and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country' and I won't get into any problem at all!"
The Soviet replies, "I can do the exact same, too. I too can literally walk up to the Red Square and say, 'Comrade Brezhnev, I don't like the way President Reagan is running this country' and not get into any problem!"
My wife told me to grow up and stop believing everything I see on the internet
But I don't need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.
Did you hear of the guy who could literally master any craft, provided he m**... before learning it?
He was j**... all trades.
So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.
I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?
So much for privacy...
Google: We really value your privacy
Twitter: We'd never collect anything
Apple: We securely encrypt everything on-device
Facebook: Literally gives you an ad for something you dreamt about
It's not fair that procrastination gets such a bad rap.
It has literally kept me alive for years.
What is Kim Jong-Un's favorite beverage size?
A supreme liter.
When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady...
Literally. He can't catch.
Why did the high school girl only answer questions 1, 3, 5 and 7 on her exam?
Because she literally can't even.
Literally the guy you asked for
A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, Looking for a guy that won't beat me, won't run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.
Three days later, there's a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there's a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. Dear Amy, he says, I have no arms so I couldn't even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can't run away on you. I'm your guy.
That's very nice, says Amy, surprised, but how will you be able to satisfy me?
His smile widens, You did hear the knocking, didn't you?
Leather armor is perfect for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...
He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.
The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.
"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"
"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "I'M LITERALLY SOAKING!"
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 1,3,5 or 7?
Because they literally can't even.
Boneless children joke
c**... Is Literally Boneless Children.
You know why you can't tell puns to a kleptomaniac?
Because they take everything literally.
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
Note: saw it on 9gag but I had to share it because I literally was laughing out loud
Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.
Me: When the h**... did my resume learn to talk?
What is the only sized soft drink you can order in North Korea?
Supreme Liter.
A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door
Then struggles to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:
"You were really drunk last night weren't you?"
"Yeah, why? How do you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the pub."
Kick me out after this one
So if you go for a s**... at 11:59pm and you still on it at 12:01am does that literally mean it's same s**... different day?
Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, s**... and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times
Just like yo mamma
People who keep and look after chickens...
...are literally chicken tenders.
Can we ban yo momma jokes in this sub? They old, s**... and been done by like literally everyone a thousand times
Just like yo momma
o**... guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink
I'm literally shaking right now
What do you call 2 pirates that like each other?
a pirate ship
i know it s**... but i literally made this on the spot like a couple mins ago and thought to share it
The Special
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's the special tonight?" he asks the bartender. "It's our blue cheese bacon burger," the bartender replies. "Do you want to try one?" "Nah. I hate blue cheese," the guy replies. "I mean it's literally just cheese full of bacteria." "Hey," the bartender says, clearly offended. "You need to stop discriminating against other cultures."
Finally got my daughter to admit I can make good dad jokes... occasionally.
My 10 year old was putting away her laundry, and I noticed that she had a large pile of unfolded socks. I asked her why she hadn't put them away yet, and she said, "I can't because these are all single."
I said, "I know why they are single. They haven't found their sole mates yet."
She literally snorted, and told me that I finally made a good one.
I literally just last week realized there is no such thing as "the heavy end" 🤦
I am a 28 year old male, and for as long as I can remember every time me and my dad move something, such as a chair, or a couch, or a coffee table, he said "alright I'll get the heavy end" and idk why I always just assumed he was being nice and getting the heavier side.
And it literally just occurred to me within the last few weeks when we picked something up, there's no heavy end. They're both the same weight 😭😭😭
I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating politicians
I was literally in my office doing nothing...
I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims.
Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.
Never literally taking cooking instructions…
It said chill in the fridge for an hour
I nearly died
