Lit Jokes

What are some Lit jokes?

How many fuq bois does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None it's always lit fam

How many "sup dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's already lit fam.

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

ā€Ž...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

Oxygen and potassium went on a date...

...it went ok.

Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

The other chemicals were like 'omg'!

Two noble gases went on a date.

There was no reaction.

Two protons went on a date.

There was no attraction.

Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.

They felt a little sour after it.

Hydrogen and nitrogen went on a date.

They had a basic night out.

Sodium and chlorine went on a date.

There was assault.

Potassium and water went on a date.

It was lit.

Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...

...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.

"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.

Stalin lit his pipe and replied:

"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."

Why did Gollum leave the room every time Sam and Frodo lit their pipes?

He couldn't stand being around such filthy habitses.

How many suh dudes does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It's already lit fam

I bought my mom a fridge as birthday present

Her face really lit up when she opened it.

The wife

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.Ā 


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment! Ā 


My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day! Ā 


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.Ā 


Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.Ā 


Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"Ā 


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Egg timer

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.Ā 


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment! Ā 


My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day! Ā 


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.Ā 


Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.Ā 


Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"Ā 


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

A beautiful black woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn't paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.

As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a couple pumps away, so she ran out of her car and ran at him, waving her burning arm at him for help.

The cop was completely caught off guard and, in his confusion, he shot her.

I wasn't that surprised though... it was her fault for running at him with a firearm.

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast and as I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all and I gave her a banging right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She chuckled, "The egg timer's broken."

Today I decided to burn some calories..

So I lit a fat kid on fire.

There was once a poetry competition...

and it was down to the final two contestants. The first was an English Lit professor from Harvard while the second was a country boy from the back woods of Alabama who had somehow made it that far.

For the finals the moderator says "Gentleman, I will now ask each of you to create a poem using the word 'Timbuctu.' Good luck and may the best man win. Harvard, you may go first."

The professor takes the stage, stands there for a second, clears his throat and says -

"Across the burning desert sands, winds a lonely caravan.
Camels traveling two by two, destination Timbuctu"

The audience is thoroughly impressed and considers the competition practically over, but Alabama still gets his shot.

He slowly takes the stage and scratches his head for a minute before beginning-

"A camping me and Tim we went,
Met three girls in a pop-up tent,
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two"

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the tee shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks', and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, What was that all about?"

She explained, The egg timer's broken."

Morning Sex....

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Stopped by the police

I spilled some gas on my sleeve while gassing up one day. Got back on the highway and lit up a smoke and started my sleeve on fire. I put my arm out the window but the flames did not go away. I sped up to 70 then 80 when I noticed the flashing lights behind me. The cop says "looks like I'm going to have to write you a couple of tickets " I said I know I was speeding but what else?"
"Possession of a firearm sir "

WWII fighter pilot speaks to the class...

When I was in sixth grade, on Veterans' Day, they had an old RAF fighter pilot from WWII come in to speak to the class. He was a sweet little old man with white hair and it was hard to imagine him flying a fighter plane and shooting down enemy aircraft. But when he started to tell his stories his eyes lit up and he became animated, swooping his hand gracefully through the air to simulate the various paths his plane took.

Speaking with a slight Cockney accent he explained, Then I seen this fokker comin' right at me from one o'clock, so I dives and turns right and comes up right behind him. I fired my guns and blew that fokker right out of the air! Then I sees two more of them fokkers comin' up from below, at seven o'clock, so's Iā€¦.

Just then, the teacher, Mrs. Johnson, interrupts with, I think we should explain to the sixth graders that Fokker was a type of German aircraft.

Oh no Miss. They waz flyin' Messerschmitts.

Police Shooting

A lady was filling up the gas tank in her car and lit a cigarette to pass the time. After which a piece of ash fell onto her arm and started a fire. As she's flailing about trying to put the fire out, a police cruiser pulls into the station. Instinctively, she starts running towards the officer in an effort to get help. The police officer sees the lady running at him and shoots her, killing her

I guess you shouldn't run towards police officers if you have a firearm

Did you hear about the guy who lit his pants on fire?

He made an ash of himself!

^^how ^^ember ^^assing...

This year, I tried to smoke a turkey.

But I rolled it too tight and couldn't get the end lit.

A place got lit on fire

But the firefighters were too late to reach and put it out. Media arrived as well to which one of the firefighter giving report said, "I've got a good news and a bad news, the bad news is, 41 children died in that fire. But the good news is it was an orphanage, so I have no parents to notify"

Morning sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "you've got to make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this us going to be my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave her my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "thanx," and return to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzle, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, *"the eggs timer's broken"*

The chicken and the egg were lying in bed after having sex...

The chicken sighed happily, fluffed the pillows, and lit up a cigarette. The egg frowned and then rolled over in bed. "Well I guess that answers *that* question." he muttered.

Doesn't matter how lit you are...

Rubbish is litter.

So I was at a conference for experimental philosophy...

and it was getting a bit dull so I turned to the guy next to me and asked

"So, what do you do?"

He lit up, eager to tell all.
"Well, I'm studying the effects of introducing rodents to Nihilistic thinking through an intricate series of signals and experiments. Nice to meet cha!"

Ah, I replied.....


Mice to Nietszche.

I just read Fahrenheit 451.

That book is lit.

Have you ever been to a store that only sells lamps?

I've heard it's pretty lit.

What did the egg say when it turned up?

Om lit

Today at the church, the lady next to me lit a cigarette and started smoking it...

I almost dropped my beer in shock.

How many trap producers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, but it's lit

How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None because it's already lit fam
^I'm^^so^^^sorry

Little Johnny and the Salesman

A salesman knocks on a door. A few seconds later the door opens. Little Johnny is standing there with a bourbon and Coke in one hand and lit cigar in the other hand.

The salesman looks at him for a second and then asks "Little boy, is your mommy here?"

Johnny flicks some cigar ash on the carpet, rubs it into the carpet with his shoe. Then he looks at the salesman and asks "What do you think?"

I swear to god, people these days have no morals whatsoever

I was at church today and some scumbag lit a cigarette with an alter candle, I was so shocked I almost dropped my beer

Little Timothy comes from school...

"How was school?" Asked the mom

"It was a blast! We got to make huge fires!"

"Oh that sounds scary! Are you going to do that again tomorrow at school?"

"Well there's no more school, so I can't say mom."

"Well why not?"

"It got pretty lit in there."

"You kids must've been all fired up!"

"It was blazing."

A man who always smokes two cigarettes..

There was this rumor that a man always lit two cigarettes when ever he was smoking. So one day a guy sees this man just when he is about to light up. He asks him, "excuse me sir I couldn't help to notice that you are smoking two cigarettes simultaneously" the man answers him "yes one is for me and the other one is for my brother who is in prison" the guy replies "sorry to hear that, hope he will be out soon"
Sometime passes and the same guy sees this man again, but only this time he is only smoking one cigarette. So he goes up to the man and says "Only one? So I guess your brother is out of jail now huh? " and the man replied "no it's just that I quit smoking a week ago"

How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's already LIT!

(Bonus:
-What do you call a stoner who recently broke up with his girlfriend?

-Homeless)

You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.

Rome was pretty lit at the time.

Luigi the Fisherman

No one in this town could catch any fish except this one little old Italian man. The game warden asked Luigi how he did it.
Luigi said, "Comma down tomorrow...we go fish"

Once they got to the middle of the lake Luigi took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water He took out a net and started picking up the best ones.

"Luigi!" said the game warden, "You know that's illegal!" "I'm going to have to arrest you now."

Luigi took out another stick of dynamite, lit it and handed it to the game warden and said,

"Hey! are you gonna talk or fish?"

How many light bulbs do you need to light up a room full of milennials?

None. They're already lit.

As a young man, I used to love my birthday parties

, but now anytime my birthday candles are lit state law requires that a fire extinguisher be present.

What did Bill Cosby say when he was in a bar and he accidentally slipped a pill into one of those drinks you light on fire and then the bartender lit it on fire?

The roof', the roof', the roofies on fire!

Some words look lit when read upside down

Like " sapnu puaS "

Did you hear about the party at the English department?

It was Lit af

What's the best thing to bring to your holiday party?

A Christmas tree. Because they're lit.

How many, "Suhhh Dudes", does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, it's already lit, Fam!


(Seagull laugh) | opinional

So I bought a fragrant candle the other day, but when I lit it nothing happened...

It just didn't make scents.

My six year olds joke: What happened when the joke came out of the man's head?

Me: What happened?
Kiddo: He lit on fire and turned into a joke ghost.

How many people at a Music Festival does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero, its already lit

Did you hear what happened to the dark side of the moon today?

It was pretty lit!

I found some cheap old paint and used it to decorate my beadroom. That night, the whole room lit up...

Turned out to be LED based paint.

Beer was lit

An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar and shaken awake. The firemen frantically ask him, 'How did the fire start?!'

'Beats me.' He says, 'It was already burning when I got here.'

Went to my local bookstore today and took a look at the classics section...

It was lit

Reading in French

it's pretty *lit*.

I found a "Fresh Baked Bread" scented candle

I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread. But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.

I assassinated my friend...

I gave Miguel a cigar and lit the end. When it began to fizzle, he looked at me, puzzled.

"What brand of cigar does this?" he asked.

I answered, "Red Herring, of course."

And his chair exploded.

Did you know Michael Jacksons curtains lit on fire?

He was shades lighter after that...

Doctor : Your X-rays show you swallowed a light bulb.

Me: I guess you could say that I'm..

Doctor: please don't do...

Me: Lit AF

Doctor: get out!

I went to a candle sale event last night.

It was lit.

How to make Lit jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Lit to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Lit? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Lit pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes