Listens Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Listens puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Listens

"Thank you for calling the NSA..."

"The only government organization that **actually** listens to you!"

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

I'm leaving you for an NSA officer

"I'm leaving you for an NSA officer," she said.

"But why? What does he have that I don't?"

"He listens to me."

I'm starting to hate the U.S. government

The NSA appears to be the only department which listens

The NSA

The only part of the government that actually listens

The NSA isn't all that bad

It's the only part of the American government that listens to its citizens!

I like the NSA

They're the only government agency that listens

Old Soviet joke - Children in the USSR

Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.'
Misha listens with bright eyes.
'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.'
Little Misha opens his eyes even wider.
'In the USSR, every child drinks hot cocoa for breakfast.'
Little Misha starts crying his eyes out, bawling:
'I want to go to the USSR!'

Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....

...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound.

Then out of NOWHERE, Harry sees a goat charging at him full speed from behind. Harry dives out of the way, then watches as the goat charges strait down the hole.

Harry is sitting there, perplexed, when a farmer approaches Harry and asks

Farmer: "Hey son, you haven't seen a goat around here have you?"

Harry: "Actually, Yes I did! It was the strangest thing, a goat just charged me full speed! I was just able to get out of the way. THEN the goat ran strait down that hole over there" as Harry points to the hole.

Farmer: "That's impossible, I tied that goat to a railroad tie"

Tonto and the Lone Ranger

Chased by Injuns, the lone ranger and Tonto are galloping along when suddenly, Tonto stops, jumps down off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and listens. After a bit, he sits up and says 'BUFFALO COME!'

'how can you tell?' replies the lone ranger.

Tonto says 'Ear Sticky!'

Little Tommy gets asked to stay after class...

so little boy tommy isnt very good at math so his teacher kindly asks him to stay after class so she can help him.He agrees and listens to the teacher as she gives an example.She starts off by saying that if there are 10 birds on a telephone pole and you shoot one off, how many are left? he quickly answers "none". she says "no tommy, there would be 9". he then looks at her and says "thats impossible, obviously if you shoot one off, they would all fly away". she tells him that she likes the way he thinks. he follows up by saying "can i ask you a question miss, if there are 3 ladies holding a lollipop, 1 sucking it, 1 licking it, and 1 biting it...which one is married? the teacher quickly replies with "the one sucking it". he looks at her and says "no, the one with the ring on her finger, **but** i like the way you think

A man is walking through a forest and sees a huge hole

The whole is really deep. It's huge and dark and seems bottomless, so the man decides to see how deep.

He throws in a pebble and listens, but it doesn't make a sound.

He throws in a big stick; still no sound

He throws in a huge tree stump he prised up out of the ground; nothing


Suddenly, a dog comes running by and jumps straight into the hole at alarming speed.

The man stares into the hole, dumbfounded, when another man walks by and asks "have you seen my dog?"

"Yeah" he replies, "he just jumped in this hole"

"That's funny" the other man replies, "I had him tied to a tree stump"

Adam felt sad and lonely in the Garden of Eden

"What is wrong, my child?" asked God.

"Lord, I am lonely," relplied Adam, "I wish I had a companion."

"Well, I've got just the one for you," said God. "She's perfect! She is lithe and youthful, and shall always remain so. She utters beauty when she speaks, and she listens with attention and compassion. She will desire you as much as you desire her. Adam, she's literally made for you."

"Wow, God, she sounds amazing! But what will this cost me?" Adam asked.

"An arm and a leg, Adam," replied God, "an arm and a leg."

Adam though for a moment and said, "Well, what can I get for just a rib?"

Swish and swash the green tea.

A woman goes to the doctor looking all black and blue and says to the doctor: "Doctor! Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me black and blue!"

The doctor tells the lady: "Okay, I have the perfect solution! Take this green tea and whenever your husband comes home drunk, just put the green tea in your mouth and swish and swash it around until he is in bed and asleep."

The woman listens to the doctor and does exactly what he says.

Few weeks later, the woman returns to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says to the doctor, "Doctor! Your solution worked! How did you know it would work so well?"

The doctor replies, "See how much it helps when you shut your mouth?!"

So a woman goes to the doctor with a busted lip and a black eye...

...and the doctor says, "Oh my, what happened?"
To which the woman replies, "Well my husband always goes to the bar after work, he then proceeds to come home and beat me. I've tried everything to get him to stop but nothing works." The doc listens to her story and after a few minutes, he responds with "Hmmm, welp, I think I may be able to help you. From now on, the second your husband walks through that door I want you to drink some water but keep some of that water in your mouth and swoosh through your teeth until he goes to bed. Do that and I promise he'll never lay a hand on you, ever." The woman, although slightly confused, thanks the doc and leaves.
Later on that night the husband arrives reeking of alcohol. Taking the doctors advice, she guzzles some water and starts swooshing it between her teeth until he goes to bed. To her amazement, it works so she repeats the process for a few weeks. Completely baffled, she returns to the doctors office to quiz him on this "cure". He then says to the woman, "that's called keeping your mouth shut."

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."

The second boy says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about speed. My father works in the Govt department. He stops working at 5:00 and he is home by 3:45!!"

What's the only branch of the government that actually listens to its people?

NSA

A man visits his doctor, complaining of hearing voices in his leg.

The doctor asks if the man has seen his psychiatrist, but the man insisted, "You are the family doctor, you are the only one that I trust with this."

The doctor uses his stethoscope on his patient's knee. He hears "Hey, hey doc, can you lend me 5 dollars?"

The doctor is alarmed, but continues to check. He next listens to the ankle and hears, "Doctor, do you think you could spare me 10 dollars? I'm good for it!"

Finally, the doctor listens to the patient's shin and hears, "You look like the reliable type, do you think you could spot me 20 dollars?"

The doctor sighs, and tells his patient the bad news. "Well, it seems your leg is broke in three places."

The Husband's Best Friend

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

A 96 year old man goes to an addictions therapy meeting...

He listens as each person explains their addiction and then its his turn.

"Hello, my name is Bob and I have a sex addiction," he says. "I have sex at least once a day, sometimes two or three times."

"Hello Bob," says the therapist. "Glad you are here. Never too old to get help."

"Help?" says Bob, "I ain't here to get help. I just came to brag!"

My favorite joke since I was a kid

Two guys are walking down the side of the road in a rural area somewhere. All of a sudden, in the middle of the road, a huge hole appears. Curious, the two men peer down inside to see how deep it goes, but can't see the bottom. One saunters to the side of the road to find a pebble, throws it in, and listens; they don't hear it hit bottom. The other goes to the side to find a larger rock, throws it in, and listens; they still don't hear it hit bottom. They look at each other, and go find a log off to the side of the road, roll it in, and wait for it to hit bottom. All of a sudden, a goat runs out of the woods at high speed, and jumps down the hole. They look at each other quizzically, shrug, and keep walking. A few minutes later, an exasperated farmer steps onto the road out of the brush. He looks at the men and asks "Have either of you seen a goat around here?" The men look at the farmer and say "Yes, actually. A goat came out of the woods back there and jumped into this giant hole." The farmer replies "That couldn't have been my goat; my goat was tied to a log."

Why isn't NSA mass surveillance a hot topic in the US elections?

Because it's the only part of the govt that listens to the American people.

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm... so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Trophy Wife

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.

She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin are all sitting in a restaurant discussing their plans for World War 3.

A waitress approaches the table and listens to their talk. Hitler opens by saying:

"Okay guys, I've got a great idea. I already talked to Stalin about it, but I figure I should get your input. He didn't believe me."

Mussolini responds "believe you about what?"

"Okay this time, the plan is to kill ten million jews and one mexican."

The waitress at this point is intrigued and confused, decides to chime in. "One Mexican? Why do you want to kill the mexican?"

Hitler turns to Stalin and says "HA! I told you nobody would care about the jews!

The First 3 Years of Marriage.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Best listener

Girl: My boyfriend never listens to me.
Friend: You should date a blind mute.
Girl: why?
Friend: he's all ears

John and Mary are having in an argument.

John and Mary are in the middle of an argument as to whether or not it'll rain later that day. Two hours of bickering and John suggests they go ask their Russian neighbour, Rudolf.
Rudolf listens to their story and replies that it'll definitely rain by 6 pm that evening. Lo and behold! Dot at 6, the first drops of rain patter across the window. Mary is amazed and asks John how he knew to ask their neighbour and how in the world was he so accurate?
"Well", said John, "Rudolf, the Red knows rain, dear."

What do you call a microorganism that listens to Classical music?

Bach-teria

A guy is sitting in the living room with his wife when the phone rings.

He picks it up, listens for a moment then says, "I don't know, maybe you should call the coast guard." "Who was that?," his wife asks when he hangs up.. "I'm not sure but they wanted to know if the coast is clear."

You know what the problem with the school for the deaf is

Nobody listens.

How does Lil Wayne get inspiration for his new music?

He listens to his old music.

Phone Call Joke

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

"Sir, you've gone mad with power!"

Of course I have! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring, no one listens to you.

Two med students are walking down the street...

When they see an older gentleman limping in front of them. Every time he took a step his right foot would shake.
"I bet it is a degenerative nerve damage issue" says the first one.
"It looks more like a hip joint issue" says the second.
They argue for a while and then decide to ask the man what his problem is.
The gentleman listens to them and then he says:
"I thought it was only a fart"

What type of engine listens the best?

An engineer

Gone Fishin

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

When Snoop Dogg fries bacon, he listens closely...

... fo' sizzle.

The clear coast

A married couple is in bed asleep when the phone rings at 2AM.

The blonde wife answers and listens for a second and then shouts into the phone, "How should I know that's 150 miles from here!!!"

At that the husband rolls over and asks "who was that?"

The wife replied, "I don't know, some dumb woman wanting to know if the coast is clear!"

My husband is so weird

He always listens to me for an hour and a half, but then he turns off the tv, and leaves, telling me the match ended.

Buddies

This guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, and the dishes aren't done. I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas?? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid idiot?"

Because he's thinking of getting married..."

6 ideas for finding girlfriend

1. find the one makes you happy
2. find the one keeps home clean
3. find the one who listens
4. find the one who's honest
5. find the one who's sexy
6. most important, don't let any girl knows other 4 girls ever exist!

Man listens to lecturer who says we should carry our burdens ourselves...

goes home and gives his wife a piggyback

I'm proud of the NSA!

They are the only government organization that listens to its citizens.

When a man and a woman...

When a man and a woman first engage in a relationship it's the woman that speaks and the man that listens.
When they are becoming engaged, it's the man that speaks and the woman that listens.
When they are married it's both the man and the woman speaking and the neighbours that are listening.

Indian Instincts

There was an Indian chief who wanted to show his son the way of the woods. He gets on the ground and hears a noise.
"Buffalo come."
"How do you know?"
"Ground shaky."
The boy wanted to try. He gets on the ground, listens.
"Man come."
"Is there a vibration?"
"No."
"Then how do you know?"
"Ground sticky."

My 98 year old grandpa is reading the newspaper and talking loudly to himself or whomever listens:

Grandpa: I beat you, you, you and you!
Me: Have you been taking up sports lately?
Grandpa: No, I am reading the death announcements.

My dog only listens to commands in Spanish.

He's Espanyol.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes