Listen Some Jokes
115 listen some jokes and hilarious listen some puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about listen some that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Listen Some Short Jokes
Short listen some jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The listen some humour may include short jokes also.
- My grandfather warned people that the titanic would sink No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
- My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
- How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music? They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.
- I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
- Why is Metallica the safest band to listen to in an airport? Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1989.
- What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself? Your ear listening for foot steps.
- My girlfriend said to me "Are you even listening to me?!" Strange way to start a conversation.
- My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened. He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
- Wife: You're shirtless? (husband nods)
Wife: And covered in...oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh - Pearl jam tried to warn us about Ticketmaster in the Nineties. We didn't listen. Probably because we couldn't understand what Eddie Vedder was saying.
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Listen Some One Liners
Which listen some one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with listen some? I can suggest the ones about and .
- My wife asked me if "I was listening to her?!" Strange way to start a conversation....
- My neighbors listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.
- My wife is weird... She begins every conversation with "Were you even listening to me?"
- My wife says that I only have 2 major faults I don't listen, and something else
- A father asks his child, "Could you please stop listening to Korean music?" "K, pop."
- My dad told me I was listening to way too much Korean Music. I told him, "K pop"
- My neighbours are always listening to loud music whether they want to or not.
- The NSA The only part of the government that actually listens
- I accidentally deleted an audiobook I was listening to Now I'll never hear the end of it
- My wife yells at me "are you even listening?!" Strange way to start a conversation.....
- My wife said I never listen to her, or something like that.
- I like the NSA They're the only government agency that listens
- They told beethoven he couldn't make music because he was deaf but he didn't listen
- Everyone told Beethoven he can't compose because he was deaf But he didn't listen
- My girlfriend tells me I have two main flaws I don't listen, and something else
Listen Some Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about listen some you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make listen some pranks.
A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.
A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest p**... suit."
"This is unfair!" cried the minister.
"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."
I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye
So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen
I walked in on my wife singing the other day.
Surprised, I said "Oh, I thought you were the radio."
Flattered, she asked "Did you come to listen?"
"No," I replied, "I came to turn it off."
"You haven't listened to a word I've said."
Strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Old couple in church...
An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent f**.... What should I do?"
Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Listen guys, I know this sub is all in good fun, but I don't think it's right to be making dumb jokes about obese people.
They already have enough on their plates.
I'm leaving you for an NSA officer
"I'm leaving you for an NSA officer," she said.
"But why? What does he have that I don't?"
"He listens to me."
A woman and a man are lying in bed
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
My girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!"
Thanks, I'll be here all week.
caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend.
I caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend, whom I had known since preschool. I can't believe they'd do this to me.
Listen, I'm not a bad guy. I'll grant you that my wife was upset that I was always beating her, and my best friend? He was simply jealous of how much money and property I had.
At my wit's end, I was so angry that when I caught them, I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.
They've left those kids a loan.
I'm starting to hate the U.S. government
The NSA appears to be the only department which listens
My wife has an odd way of starting conversations.
She always begin by saying "Hey, are you even listening?"
I think I'll vote the NSA for president...
...because at least they'll listen to the voters even after the election.
I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?".
Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine".
The voice said "So what are you up to?".
I said, "Just doing the same as you - sitting here!
He said "Can I come over?".
Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now".
Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an i.d.i.o.t in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions".
My Girlfriend is always covered in bruises because she doesn't listen..
I'm always like "You're about to run into that lamp!"
It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.
The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"
An old h**... joke
Some time ago, a medium contacted h**...'s spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what h**... had to say.
"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".
"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.
"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"
My gay friend got s**... today.
I told him Saudi Arabia was not a good honeymoon destination but he didn't listen.
A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."
Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do.
Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf ... but he didn't listen.
A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
"But wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well? Won't they find out?"
"And who's gonna tell?"
I told myself I should stop drinking...
But I'm not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
"Thank you for calling the NSA..."
"The only government organization that **actually** listens to you!"
Wife has strange ways of starting a conversation..
... out of nowhere she'll ask me: are you even listening at all?
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"
What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
Me: "I'd say my biggest weakness is listening"
An exasperated and weary Joseph asked the innkeeper, "Do you have any rooms?"
The innkeeper shook his head and replied, "No, we're all full."
Joseph pleaded, "Listen, my wife is pregnant..."
The innkeeper retorted, "Hey, that's not my fault!"
Joseph shouted, "It's not mine, either!!"
I listened to All Star so many times it gave me tinnitus.
Now, my ears start humming and they don't stop humming.
Job interviewer: And where would you see yourself in five years' time Mr. Jeffries?"
Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.
He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.
My wife was like: "Are you even listening to what I'm saying?!?"
And I was like... that's a strange way to start a conversation.
Went to a Black Church to listen to gospel. The preacher came over and said "YOU WILL WALK TODAY!!"
I told him I wasn't paralyzed, but he said it again with even more enthusiasm.
After the service I went to leave. My car was gone.
My wife just stopped and said, "you weren't even listening were you"...
I thought, that's a funny way to start a conversation
A woman is sitting at her husband's f**... listening to the eulogies being read...
A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his t**....
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."
A man calls the hotel front desk
"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"
"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."
"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"
"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."
"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."
"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"
Plot Twist
A hotel receptionist gets a call*
Man: Hello, I'm in room 210, you need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window.
Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal problem. We cannnot help you with that.
Man: Listen you idiot. The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE problem.
My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh
If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.
I hate when my wife asks if I'm listening to her
It's such a weird way to start a conversation.
Racism
Sometimes if I wanna get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with "I'm not racist,
"I'm not racist, but you look great today."
And they say, "that wasn't racist at all."
And I say, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."
Wife: Listen hubby, who do you like better, an intelligent woman or a beautiful woman?
Husband: I don't like either. I only like you.
Yesterday at the dinner table my dad asked me, "are you even listening to me?"
weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, You're shirtless and also covered in… oil?! I chuckled proudly, Well, you're always saying..."
"...I never glisten!"
She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**
My wife asked me "Are you even listening?!"
My wife asked me "Are you even listening?!"
What a strange way to start a conversation.
A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.
A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.
The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."
The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so I laid down on the railroad track. The train did not come. Wanted to hang myself - the rope teared. Wanted to shot myself - I ran out of ammo.
From my remaining money I brought a beer, tipped some poison into it, and now you drank it."
A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...
There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:
\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...
The small man:
\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank account is empty, my house is empty! I even got fired from my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so i tried to kill myself. I lay down on the rails - they changed the train route! i tried to hang myself - the rope broke! I tried to shoot myself - the gun broke! And now, i'm buying a beer with my last money, i'm pouring poison inside and you're drinking it!
Some people just moved into the flat next to mine. Apparently, they listen to Metallica!
Whether they like it or not
My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"
What a weird way to start a conversation..
So I did some research...
and Chinese people like listening to music on their phones with earbuds, black people like portable speakers, Mexicans prefer cheaper systems in their home with big speakers and white people like higher end but compact systems...
Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be discussing racial stereo types.
A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. Dad, what music did you like growing up?
I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin, the father replies.
Who? the son asks.
Yeah, the dad responds, I liked them too.
The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, I stole a can of peaches.
The judge then asked, how many peaches were in the can?
Six, replied the woman.
After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.
At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn't know what to do.
And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, your honor, wait!
The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.
She also stole a can of peas!
A Comedian in Russia.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
My neighbour banged on the wall at 430am this morning!!!!
Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.
They banged and shouted "Can we have a little respect please?"
I shouted back "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this ones for you"
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
The phone bill was exceptionally high...
.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.
Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.
Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??
As Steven Weinberg was finishing the presentation of his contributions to the Standard Model, a colleague asks:
"This work is incredible. Do you understand the gravity of what you've done?"
Weinberg: "No, weren't you listening? That's the only force we don't understand."
(I'm sorry for this terrible and obscure joke, feel free to downvote.)
My wife yelled at me "are you even listening to me"
I said "that's a funny way to start a conversation"
In an interview I was asked where I see myself in five years
I replied with "I'd have to say my greatest weakness is listening."
A man marches to H.R. to complain that his paycheque is $50 short.
He arrives in the H.R. office and slams his paycheque on the desk.
"This is an outrage!"
The rep apologizes for the error, then begins to investigate the issue on her computer. Suddenly, she's smirking.
"Oh, I see. You're coming here to complain that we underpaid you by $50 this week. But you certainly didn't complain when we **over**paid you by $50 last week."
The man points his finger at the woman:
"Listen, one mistake I can forgive. But enough is enough!"
My wife just shouted at me YOU'RE NOT EVEN LISTENING TO ME, ARE YOU!!???
What a strange way to start a conversation.
I almost lost my job as a DJ at a country music station
I accidentally played the same three songs for five hours. Fortunately, our listeners didn't seem to notice.
My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"
I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.
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