listen Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious listen puns

A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

'Nurse', he mumbles. 'Are my testicles black?' Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says 'there nothing wrong with them sir'. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ' Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully, ' are-my-tests-re-sults-back?'

👍🏼

Wife: You're shirtless?

(husband nods)

Wife: And covered in...oil?

-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?

Wife: Listen. You never listen.

-Oh

👍🏼

My neighbors listen to awesome music

whether they like it or not.

👍🏼

I told myself I should stop drinking...

But I'm not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

👍🏼

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

👍🏼

Wife: You're shirtless?

Me: Yes


Wife: And also covered in.. oil?


Me: Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?


Wife: Listen! you never listen.


Me: Ohhh

👍🏼

My neighbours listen to awesome music

whether they like it or not.

👍🏼

A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."

👍🏼

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye

So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen

👍🏼

I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.

👍🏼

My gay friend got stoned today.

I told him Saudi Arabia was not a good honeymoon destination but he didn't listen.

👍🏼

Apple announced a breast implant that plays music...

The iTit is considered a major social break through since women have always complained that men stare at their breasts but never listen to them.

👍🏼

A man calls to the hotel's receptionist and he says........"Hello..........

..."Hello, I'm in room 420, please send someone here immediately! I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window!!"
_

The receptionist says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's your personal problem"
To which the man gets angry and he yells, "Listen you dumb bitch! The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE PROBLEM!"

👍🏼

My wife says that I only have 2 major faults

I don't listen, and something else

👍🏼

I think I'll vote the NSA for president...

...because at least they'll listen to the voters even after the election.

👍🏼

My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

👍🏼

Listen guys, I know this sub is all in good fun, but I don't think it's right to be making dumb jokes about obese people.

They already have enough on their plates.

👍🏼

A man calls the hotel front desk

"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"

"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."

"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."

"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."

"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"

👍🏼

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye

so I ordered reallllyy slow, because she obviously doesn't listen.

👍🏼

Plot Twist

A hotel receptionist gets a call*

Man: Hello, I'm in room 210, you need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window.

Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal problem. We cannnot help you with that.

Man: Listen you idiot. The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE problem.

👍🏼

I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?".

Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine".
The voice said "So what are you up to?".
I said, "Just doing the same as you - sitting here!
He said "Can I come over?".
Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now".
Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an i.d.i.o.t in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions".

👍🏼

"You haven't listened to a word I've said."

Strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.

👍🏼

My Girlfriend is always covered in bruises because she doesn't listen..

I'm always like "You're about to run into that lamp!"

👍🏼

I walked in on my wife singing the other day.



Surprised, I said "Oh, I thought you were the radio."

Flattered, she asked "Did you come to listen?"

"No," I replied, "I came to turn it off."

👍🏼

It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.

The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"

👍🏼

I told myself I should stop drinking ..

.. but I'm not about to listen to some weirdo that talks to himself

👍🏼

An old Hitler joke

Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.

"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".

"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.

"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"

👍🏼

Went to a Black Church to listen to gospel. The preacher came over and said "YOU WILL WALK TODAY!!"

I told him I wasn't paralyzed, but he said it again with even more enthusiasm.

After the service I went to leave. My car was gone.

👍🏼

I listened to All Star so many times it gave me tinnitus.

Now, my ears start humming and they don't stop humming.

👍🏼

A Rabbi, Lawyer, and Priest are on an airplane...

along with a troupe of boyscouts. The airplane is going down FAST. There are parachuts, but only enough for a few people.

The Rabbi says, "Listen. We need to give the parachuts to the boyscouts. It's the right thing to do."

The Lawyer then responds, "What are you crazy!? Fuck the boyscouts!"

The Priest quickly glances at his watch and says, "DO WE HAVE TIME!?"

👍🏼

What kind of music do wind turbines listen to?

They're huge metal fans.

👍🏼

caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend.

I caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend, whom I had known since preschool. I can't believe they'd do this to me.

Listen, I'm not a bad guy. I'll grant you that my wife was upset that I was always beating her, and my best friend? He was simply jealous of how much money and property I had.

At my wit's end, I was so angry that when I caught them, I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

👍🏼

Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do.

Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf ... but he didn't listen.

👍🏼

An exasperated and weary Joseph asked the innkeeper, "Do you have any rooms?"

The innkeeper shook his head and replied, "No, we're all full."

Joseph pleaded, "Listen, my wife is pregnant..."

The innkeeper retorted, "Hey, that's not my fault!"

Joseph shouted, "It's not mine, either!!"

👍🏼

My wife said I never listen to her,

or something like that.

👍🏼

What are the most funny Listen jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Listen? Well, here are the best Listen dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Listen pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes