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Entertaining Listen Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone

A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.

A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.

"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest penthouse suit."

"This is unfair!" cried the minister.

"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye

So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen

Ugly Faces

One fine day in a preschool....
Child: -makes ugly faces-
Teacher: Stop it
Child: Why?
Teacher: When I was your age, my teacher told me if I make ugly faces, it'll stay that way
Child: Oh, you didn't listen did you?

I walked in on my wife singing the other day.



Surprised, I said "Oh, I thought you were the radio."

Flattered, she asked "Did you come to listen?"

"No," I replied, "I came to turn it off."

jokes about listen

"You haven't listened to a word I've said."

Strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.

The elementary class was learning about addition...

The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"

Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."

The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."

Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."

The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"

Johnny says, "Six."

The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"

Johnny again says, "Seven."

The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"

Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"

"You haven't been listening to a word I've said, have you?"

It always felt like a strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation...

Listen joke, "You haven't been listening to a word I've said, have you?"

This is one of those gems thought up at 4 am, why does nobody listen to Neo-Nazis?

It's all just white noise.

Listen guys, I know this sub is all in good fun, but I don't think it's right to be making dumb jokes about obese people.

They already have enough on their plates.

My neighbors listen to awesome music

whether they like it or not.

Why is Def leppard the best band to listen to while driving?

Because you only need one arm to drum along..

You can explore listen music reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean listen shutup dad jokes. There are also listen puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Listening to your wife is like reading iTunes' user agreement...

... you don't understand anything, but you still agree with it.

caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend.

I caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend, whom I had known since preschool. I can't believe they'd do this to me.

Listen, I'm not a bad guy. I'll grant you that my wife was upset that I was always beating her, and my best friend? He was simply jealous of how much money and property I had.

At my wit's end, I was so angry that when I caught them, I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

A Hotel guest calls the front desk

and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.

You need to send someone to my room immediately.

I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot.



The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."

I noticed that my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered veeerrryyy slooowwwly, because she obviously doesn't listen.

Listen joke, I noticed that my waitress had a black eye...

My neighbours listen to good music

Whether they want to or not

I think I'll vote the NSA for president...

...because at least they'll listen to the voters even after the election.

I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?".

Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine".
The voice said "So what are you up to?".
I said, "Just doing the same as you - sitting here!
He said "Can I come over?".
Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now".
Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an i.d.i.o.t in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions".

My Girlfriend is always covered in bruises because she doesn't listen..

I'm always like "You're about to run into that lamp!"

It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.

The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"ο»Ώ

An old Hitler joke

Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.

"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".

"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.

"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"

My gay friend got stoned today.

I told him Saudi Arabia was not a good honeymoon destination but he didn't listen.

A judge is reprimanding the defendant in a trial: I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again!

Your Honor, the defendant says, that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen.

A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."

Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do.

Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf ... but he didn't listen.

Listen joke, Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do.

I told myself I should stop drinking...

But I'm not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

I tell myself I should cut back on my drinking

but I am not gonna listen to a drunk who talks to his self

My wife said I never listen to her,

or something like that.

Wife: You're shirtless?

(husband nods)

Wife: And covered in...oil?

-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?

Wife: Listen. You never listen.

-Oh

My wife says that I only have 2 major faults

I don't listen, and something else

An exasperated and weary Joseph asked the innkeeper, "Do you have any rooms?"

The innkeeper shook his head and replied, "No, we're all full."

Joseph pleaded, "Listen, my wife is pregnant..."

The innkeeper retorted, "Hey, that's not my fault!"

Joseph shouted, "It's not mine, either!!"

I listened to All Star so many times it gave me tinnitus.

Now, my ears start humming and they don't stop humming.

My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

Went to a Black Church to listen to gospel. The preacher came over and said "YOU WILL WALK TODAY!!"

I told him I wasn't paralyzed, but he said it again with even more enthusiasm.

After the service I went to leave. My car was gone.

My girlfriend tells me I have two main flaws

I don't listen, and something else

A man calls the hotel front desk

"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"

"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."

"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."

"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."

"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"

Plot Twist

A hotel receptionist gets a call*

Man: Hello, I'm in room 210, you need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window.

Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal problem. We cannnot help you with that.

Man: Listen you idiot. The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE problem.

My girlfriend hates it when I tap the brakes to make the car bounce when I listen to hiphop.

But when I think about it, she never did like brakedancing.

Everyone told Beethoven he can't compose because he was deaf

But he didn't listen

They told Beethoven he couldn't make music because he was deaf

but he didn't listen

My neighbours listen to great music

Whether they like it or not

Racism

Sometimes if I wanna get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with "I'm not racist,
"I'm not racist, but you look great today."

And they say, "that wasn't racist at all."

And I say, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

Wife: Listen hubby, who do you like better, an intelligent woman or a beautiful woman?

Husband: I don't like either. I only like you.

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, You're shirtless and also covered in… oil?! I chuckled proudly, Well, you're always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"

She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.

A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.

The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."

The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so I laid down on the railroad track. The train did not come. Wanted to hang myself - the rope teared. Wanted to shot myself - I ran out of ammo.

From my remaining money I brought a beer, tipped some poison into it, and now you drank it."

Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...

There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:

\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...

The small man:

\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank account is empty, my house is empty! I even got fired from my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so i tried to kill myself. I lay down on the rails - they changed the train route! i tried to hang myself - the rope broke! I tried to shoot myself - the gun broke! And now, i'm buying a beer with my last money, i'm pouring poison inside and you're drinking it!

Some people just moved into the flat next to mine. Apparently, they listen to Metallica!

Whether they like it or not

Today I found out that you can hear the blood flowing through your veins.

You just have to listen varicosely.

Mama and Papa did not let me listen to classical or jazz music as a kid.

Too much sax and violins, apparently.

After he became deaf, many people told Beethoven that his career as a composer was over.

But did he listen?

I gave my Marine buddy a gag gift.

I thought it would be funny to give him a 30 piece wooden jigsaw puzzle, intended for toddlers, as a birthday gift, but it backfired on me. Now, every time I see him, I have to listen to him brag about his puzzle skills.

"The box says 2-4 years, but I finished it in only a week and a half!"

Bill Belichick was in my store earlier and whilst I was serving him he said listen, I need a quarterback. Think you could do that for me son?

I said wow, really?! You want me to play in the NFL?

He said No moron, this drink costs 75c and I gave you a dollar

I was walking past a mental asylum and heard chanting coming from behind the fence.

I stopped to listen and they were chanting "eight, eight, eight eight".

I found a hole in the fence to see through and a finger poked me right in the eye.

Then they began chanting "nine, nine, nine, nine".

My therapist told me to listen to classical music before work to help with my anger management issues.

This morning I woke up and chose violins.

I found a vinyl record of Wasp Sounds at a charity shop...

...when I got home I put it on to listen to it - it was all wrong - the buzzing noises was nothing like wasp sounds.

Then I realised - I was playing the Bee side!

Many people told Beethoven that he would never be a musician because he was deaf, but

Did he listen?

Why does no one listen to rap music in Korea?

Because it sounds like krap

I don't always listen to metal, but when I do...

so do the neighbors.

A Chinese doctor has a Jewish patient.

"Listen," says the patient, "I didn't think we were going to get along so good together."

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean! Pearl Harbor, that's what I mean!"

"What are you talking about, Pearl Harbor? I'm Chinese!"

"Yeah, well...Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same thing."

"What do you mean, all the same thing? The Jews sunk the Titanic!"

"The Jews sunk the Titanic?"

"Sure. Greenberg, Goldberg, Iceburg, all the same to me!"

Pearl Jam tried to warn us about Ticketmaster in the Nineties. We didn't listen.

Probably because we couldn't understand what Eddie Vedder was saying.

A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient

"When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?" asked the lawyer.

"I didn't" said the doctor.

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.

"No, I did not" the doctor said.

"So in other words" the lawyer said "When you signed the death certificate you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead."

"Well, let me put it this way," said the doctor- "At that point, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk. But for all I know I guess he could've been out practicing law somewhere!"

Meanwhile in the restroom

I was in Walmart using the restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said,

\- Hi! How are you?

Embarrassed... I said,

\- I'm all right!!"

The voice said,

\- "So what are you up to?

I said,

\- Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!

Then I hear,

\- Can I come over?

Annoyed... I said,

\- Excuse me?!?!."

Then the voice said,

\- Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot in the next stall answering all my questions!"

Why did Jesus change St Peter's name?

Because otherwise everyone would listen to what Simon says, and not what Jesus says.

Hearing aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.

A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.

The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the listen audible puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working listen listen some piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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