Listen Jokes
129 listen jokes and hilarious listen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about listen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Listen Short Jokes
Short listen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The listen humour may include short sound jokes also.
- My grandfather warned people that the titanic would sink No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
- My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
- How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music? They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.
- I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
- Why is Metallica the safest band to listen to in an airport? Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1989.
- Wife: You're shirtless? (husband nods)
Wife: And covered in...oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh - Pearl jam tried to warn us about Ticketmaster in the Nineties. We didn't listen. Probably because we couldn't understand what Eddie Vedder was saying.
- Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years? Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
- This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.
- My wife yelled at me "are you even listening to me" I said "that's a funny way to start a conversation"
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Listen One Liners
Which listen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with listen? I can suggest the ones about observe and attend.
- My neighbors listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.
- My wife is weird... She begins every conversation with "Were you even listening to me?"
- My wife says that I only have 2 major faults I don't listen, and something else
- A father asks his child, "Could you please stop listening to Korean music?" "K, pop."
- My dad told me I was listening to way too much Korean Music. I told him, "K pop"
- The NSA The only part of the government that actually listens
- I accidentally deleted an audiobook I was listening to Now I'll never hear the end of it
- My wife said I never listen to her, or something like that.
- I like the NSA They're the only government agency that listens
- I can control sheep by just listening to them It's true, I heard them with my own ears
- I said 'no' to drugs But I don't think they're listening
- I just listened to a michael jackson album It was Bad to be honest
- My girlfriend likes it when I am silent. She thinks I am listening.
- "So, what are your qualifications?" "I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills"
- I say no to alcohol every day. It just doesn't listen.
Listen Some Jokes
Here is a list of funny listen some jokes and even better listen some puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife asked why I was whispering. I told her that Mark Zuckerburg might be listening.
Then she laughed, and Siri laughed, and Alexa laughed. - Alexa, tell me a joke Alexa, tell me a joke. ...Alexa? Alexa?
Sorry, I wasn't listening. I thought you deserved some privacy.
Really? Well, that's nic-
Would you like to hear another joke? - I told myself I should stop drinking... But I'm not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
- The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd. They've left those kids a loan.
- My girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!" Thanks, I'll be here all week.
- My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.
- I almost lost my job as a DJ at a country music station I accidentally played the same three songs for five hours. Fortunately, our listeners didn't seem to notice.
- I'm leaving you for an NSA officer "I'm leaving you for an NSA officer," she said.
"But why? What does he have that I don't?"
"He listens to me." - I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen
- Yesterday at the dinner table my dad asked me, "are you even listening to me?" weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
Entertaining Listen Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about listen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sense jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make listen pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.
A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest p**... suit."
"This is unfair!" cried the minister.
"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."
Ugly Faces
One fine day in a preschool....
Child: -makes ugly faces-
Teacher: Stop it
Child: Why?
Teacher: When I was your age, my teacher told me if I make ugly faces, it'll stay that way
Child: Oh, you didn't listen did you?
What does Santa and his elves listen to in their Christmas workshop?
WRAP MUSIC!
My parents told me not to listen to my iPod too loud...
It was sound advice.
I walked in on my wife singing the other day.
Surprised, I said "Oh, I thought you were the radio."
Flattered, she asked "Did you come to listen?"
"No," I replied, "I came to turn it off."
penny scales
A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.
"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Observation
There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch the guy do this day after day for months.
Finally the doctor decided to see what this man was listening to, so one day he approached the wall and put his own ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
He turned the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything!"
The mental patient replied, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
"You haven't listened to a word I've said."
Strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
So Adam was lonely.
God asked Adam, "What's wrong?"
Adam replied, "I'm lonely."
So God said, "Adam, I will make you a partner. She will wash and cook and clean for you; she will listen to what you have to say and never interrupt you. She won't nag you about your actions and she will even bear your children. She will stay loyal to you and never be influenced by other men."
So Adam asked, "Well, what's his gonna cost me?"
"An arm and a leg," God replied.
Then Adam asked, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
The elementary class was learning about addition...
The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."
Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."
The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"
Johnny again says, "Seven."
The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"
Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"
What music do chickens listen to?
Bach
One I just heard.
Part of me says "I can't keep drinking like this." The other part of me says "Don't listen to that guy. He's drunk."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This is one of those gems thought up at 4 am, why does nobody listen to Neo-n**...?
It's all just white noise.
Listen guys, I know this sub is all in good fun, but I don't think it's right to be making dumb jokes about obese people.
They already have enough on their plates.
Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...
And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.
"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."
"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.
"Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!"
She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National Cemetery if ya can do that fer me."
"Why does a young woman like you want a burial plot at the cemetery?"
"Because" she said, "When my friends and family find out what I just did they'll kill me!"
A blonde calls her boyfriend...
One day a man gets a call from his blond girlfriend.
"Hey Babe!"
"Listen, I need you to come over right now! I'm doing a puzzle and I think it's supposed to be a tiger but I just can't figure it out, I've been doing it for hours..."
The boyfriend was a little confused, as she didn't seem the type to buy a puzzle... But it was clear she was upset, so he made the trip over. He walked in to her apartment and saw her sitting on the floor, a blue box overturned and all the pieces arranged in random circles on the floor.
He looked at her for a while without saying anything, then just sighed and said, "Sweetie, lets get all these frosted flakes back in the box..."
Obedient husband
Little boy was curious why did his father do everything his mother asked, so one day he asked his dad: "Dad, why are you so obedient. None of other dads listen to their wife's like you."
Dad said: "Well, you see son, when you were born, your mother and I made a deal. If she would allow me to give you your name I would do anything she asks for the rest of our lives"
"Was it worth it, dad."
"It sure was, Goku."
What kid of music do old people listen to?
Hip-Pop
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Facebook..in real life...
Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works.
I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.
A priest walks into a movie theater
...and finds that most of the seats are taken. He looks around for a while, and finally sees an empty seat. The priest asks the man sitting next to the open seat, "Excuse me, is this seat saved?"
The man looks the priest up and down and replies to him, "No, but it's willing to listen."
Why is Def leppard the best band to listen to while driving?
Because you only need one arm to drum along..
Listening to your wife is like reading iTunes' user agreement...
... you don't understand anything, but you still agree with it.
The First 3 Years of Marriage.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Hotel guest calls the front desk
and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.
The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: **"Anyone know whose phone this is?"**
I can't listen to orchestral music anymore
Too much sax and violins.
A blonde boards a plane to Miami...
A blonde boards a plane to Miami and takes a seat in first class even though she has an economy ticket. A flight attendant tells her several times to move to economy class, but the blonde doesn't listen. Exasperated, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit. Seconds later the pilot steps out and whispers something in the blonde's ear. Immediately, she gets up from her seat and goes to economy class. Intrigued, the flight attendant asks the pilot how he managed to convince her to relinquish her seat.
"Easy" says the pilot, "I told her first class doesn't go to Miami"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you listen to Nicki Minaj backwards, you'll hear the illuminati's plans
What's worse, if you listen to it forward, it's Nicki Minaj
I think I'll vote the NSA for president...
...because at least they'll listen to the voters even after the election.
A guy goes to the doctor with a sore leg....
The doctor runs the normal tests and takes some x-rays. Unable to find the problem he finally decides to listen to the leg with his stethoscope, at the knee he hears "hey give me $5" at the calf he hears "hey give me $10" at the ankle he hears "hey give me$15". He takes off the stethoscope, looks up the patient and says " I have some bad news, your leg is broke in three places"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?".
Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine".
The voice said "So what are you up to?".
I said, "Just doing the same as you - sitting here!
He said "Can I come over?".
Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now".
Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an i.d.i.o.t in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions".
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
My Girlfriend is always covered in bruises because she doesn't listen..
I'm always like "You're about to run into that lamp!"
Mommy, how come computers are so smart..
That's because they listen to their Motherboards.
It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.
The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Brainless Lawyers
In a m**... trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old h**... joke
Some time ago, a medium contacted h**...'s spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what h**... had to say.
"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".
"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.
"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My gay friend got s**... today.
I told him Saudi Arabia was not a good honeymoon destination but he didn't listen.
A judge is reprimanding the defendant in a trial: I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again!
Your Honor, the defendant says, that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."
SCHOOL JOKES,Teacher and student
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do.
Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf ... but he didn't listen.
What band does Santa listen to while delivering presents?
Slayer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar..
...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, n**... or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-a**... love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
A rabbit walks into a men's clothing store...
And the clerk says,"May I help you, sir?"
"Yes", says the rabbit. "I'd like a BLT with some coleslaw please."
"I'm sorry sir", says the clerk," but we don't have that here."
"Oh, ok.", says the slightly deflated rabbit. "I guess I'll have a house salad."
"Sir," replies the slightly annoyed clerk," we don't have that. Is there something else I can help you with?"
"Well," says the rabbit," in that case I'll just have a bowl of tomato soup."
The clerk is now incensed. "Sir, we don't have food! The sign outside clearly says 'men's clothing store'! Can't you read?"
"Listen, buddy", says the rabbit,"if I could read, I would have asked you for a menu!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A devout Muslim entered a cab in London
He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio, because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music, because in the time of the prophet there was no music especially western music, which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door. The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered,
"In the time of the prophet, there were no taxis, so get off and wait for a camel!"
Never let anyone put you down. Take my mate Jim for example. He was told just because he's deaf he can't play in an orchestra...
But did he listen...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday"
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great s**..., anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
I finally saved up enough money that I could afford to listen to my heart.
It turns out that's just a metaphor.
Anyway, I have a stethoscope for sale.
How many cats?
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
I was listening to some music with my friend and he told me "you should turn the bass down on your speaker".
It was sound advice.
Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
I tell myself I should cut back on my drinking
but I am not gonna listen to a drunk who talks to his self
I gave a deaf blind child my seat in the taxi
After he ran over several people I began to contemplate my decision, I told him to stop but he just wouldn't listen
Someone told me I couldn't be a musician because I'm deaf.
But I didn't listen to them.
Why did Beethoven's girlfriend break up with him?
He would never listen to her.
An exasperated and weary Joseph asked the innkeeper, "Do you have any rooms?"
The innkeeper shook his head and replied, "No, we're all full."
Joseph pleaded, "Listen, my wife is pregnant..."
The innkeeper retorted, "Hey, that's not my fault!"
Joseph shouted, "It's not mine, either!!"
I listened to All Star so many times it gave me tinnitus.
Now, my ears start humming and they don't stop humming.
My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.
He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.
Went to a Black Church to listen to gospel. The preacher came over and said "YOU WILL WALK TODAY!!"
I told him I wasn't paralyzed, but he said it again with even more enthusiasm.
After the service I went to leave. My car was gone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Plot Twist
A hotel receptionist gets a call*
Man: Hello, I'm in room 210, you need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window.
Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal problem. We cannnot help you with that.
Man: Listen you idiot. The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE problem.
My girlfriend hates it when I tap the brakes to make the car bounce when I listen to hiphop.
But when I think about it, she never did like brakedancing.
A man is yelling "People, listen to me! I am the son of Satan!" out of the window of a mental asylum.
Another one sticks his head out and yells:
"Don't listen to him, he's a maniac! I don't have a son!"
A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff
Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.
"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch can't hold all our weight. You're all so beautiful and talented, so I'm going to let go in hopes that it's enough to save your lives. Tell my family I love them."
The blondes were so moved by her selfless sacrifice that they gave her a round of applause.
A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver
"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"
The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".
His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."
Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't going to go far with a stolen car..."
A voice comes out of the trunk "Did we pass the border yet ?"
Blind man walks into a bar
And says to the bartender: hey wanna hear a blonde joke?
Bartender says: listen pal, I'm blonde, the two marines next to you are blonde, the pianist is blonde, and the bouncer is blonde. Now, are you sure you want to make a blonde joke?
Blind man: nah, not if I have to explain it 5 times!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Racism
Sometimes if I wanna get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with "I'm not racist,
"I'm not racist, but you look great today."
And they say, "that wasn't racist at all."
And I say, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."
What kind of music should you listen to when you're fishing?
Something catchy!
Wife: Listen hubby, who do you like better, an intelligent woman or a beautiful woman?
Husband: I don't like either. I only like you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I *almost* got that...
My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, Why are you standing n**... in the kitchen and also covered in… olive oil?!
I chuckled proudly, Well, you're always saying..."
"...I never glisten!"
She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**
Where do whales go to listen to music?
The orca-stra
"Man, if I had listened my father when I was 8, I could've been rich today"
Friend: What did he say?
Me: I dunno, I didn't listen.
Heard that on the radio today
Some people just moved into the flat next to mine. Apparently, they listen to Metallica!
Whether they like it or not
