List Jokes
155 list jokes and hilarious list puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about list that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article provides a comprehensive list of jokes organized in alphabetical order. Whether you are looking for a bucket list, honey do list, Christmas list, or grocery list joke, this article has it all! Laughter is just a few clicks away with this list of jokes.
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Funniest List Short Jokes
Short list jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The list humour may include short items jokes also.
- I wrote the names of everyone I've unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.
- I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.
- List if 10 worst dog breeds 1. There
2. Are
3. No
4. Bad
5. Dog
6. Breeds
7. Only
8. Bad
9. Owners
10. Chihuahuas - The worst part about online dating is when the girl lists her weight as 115lbs, but when you're lifting her to put her in your trunk, she's obviously well over 140.
- I wrote down the names of everyone I dislike on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint. He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
- I should never have given my real email address to Rolex. Now I'm forever placed on some kind of watch list.
- My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes. He calls it my birth certificate.
- What is black and white and red all over? At this point, the shorter list would be "what *isn't* black and white and red all over".
- I finally crossed running a marathon off my bucket list No chance I was ever going to do it, glad it's gone.
- I am faced with a Christmas dilemma If I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I'll definitely be on the naughty list.
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List One Liners
Which list one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with list? I can suggest the ones about collection and array.
- My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can't read any of it.
- My friend used my todo list to roll a blunt He's high on my list of priorities
- Pink Panther's TODO list 1. TODO
2. TODO
3. TODO TODO TODO TODO TODOOO - Did you know the Mods on this sub are actually cows? Evidence listed below. [remooved]
- Things I hate: lists, Oxford commas, and irony.
- Everyone has these expansive bucket lists Mine is a little pail in comparison
- What do you call a book that lists the names of every drug on Earth? Addictionary
- How does a ghost plan his day? He makes a to-boo list
- Why did Ahmed Mohamed get delayed at the airport? he was on a watch list...
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you But it's still on the list
- A Spine surgeon's to-do list 1) Get back to work!
- Why are so many people getting on the Trump train? Because they're on a no fly list.
- A child with cancer goes skydiving for his bucket list He's now at terminal velocity.
- Wait, Cyber Monday is about shopping? Apologies to my friends on my chat list...
- I have compiled a list of the 10 worst things about my ADHD. 1.
Shopping List Jokes
Here is a list of funny shopping list jokes and even better shopping list puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did Melania Trump have on her Black Friday shopping list? A copy of everything Michelle Obama had on her list
- I put maple syrup on shopping list Now it's all sticky!
- "I can't find the shopping list." He said listlessly.
- Shopping for Melons My wife sent me to the supermarket with a grocery list, but when I unfolded and read it, all it said was "melons".
I guess it was the honey dew list. - My favorite part of grocery shopping is rushing home to look at the shopping list on my counter to see what I forgot to buy.
- What's worse than finding Astroglide on your Mom's shopping list? Finding an empty bottle in the trash.
- What has one egg, a lettuce leaf and an apple? A supermodel's monthly shopping list.
- I wanted to ask my girlfriend to buy a shopping list... But I had nowhere to write.
- I got my bucket list mixed up with my shopping list Swam with dolphin-safe tuna.
- What is both a short shopping list, and a potential Chinese luxury automobile? * Rolls
* Rice
Bucket List Jokes
Here is a list of funny bucket list jokes and even better bucket list puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I wrote down my bucket list on a piece of paper, and my crush decided to use it to roll up her joint. She is now high on the list of things I want to do before I die.
- I was surprised when a friend said he'll work at KFC right after graduation.. Out of curiosity, I asked him why.
All he said was, "It's in my bucket list." - My girlfriend asked me if I'd ever seen "The Bucket List." I said no, but I'd like to before I die.
- Why can't frogs ever complete their bucket lists? They croak before they even get started.
- I fetched a pail of water and ate a whole KFC family meal to myself... So that's two things I can cross off my bucket list.
- I've compiled my bucket list. I've compiled my bucket list.
4 drumsticks, 4 thighs, original recipe, 2 individual mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. - I just finished all 18 things on my bucket list
- My Scandinavian bucket list 1. Travel to Norway
2. Find a Swedish girl
3. Finnish in her - Bucket list More like fucket list
- Is your name bucket list? Cause I'd wanna do you before I die.
Grocery List Jokes
Here is a list of funny grocery list jokes and even better grocery list puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- He gazed listlessly at the grocery store shelves.. ..because he had forgot the list at home.
- Did you hear about the guy destroying snacks at the grocery store? He's on the registered Chex offender list now.
Christmas List Jokes
Here is a list of funny christmas list jokes and even better christmas list puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Dad! You can strike out the mountain bike on my wish list for christmas! Just found a brand new one in the basement!!!
- Screw the nice list, I've got you on my "nice and naughty list!
- Who do dyslexic kids address their Christmas list to? Satan.
- Why was Mrs. Claus on the naughty list this year? She opened Santa's package before Christmas.
- When I was young and was getting in trouble, I remember leading up to Christmas trying think of clever excuses to get off the naughty list. I guess you could say I was looking for the Santa *Clause*.
- According to my kids' Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
- You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
To Do List Jokes
Here is a list of funny to do list jokes and even better to do list puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done. Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
- Geez, there's a lot of people on this Ashley Madison list... It's a pretty bad state of affairs
- I'm trying to decide if I should become an athlete or a criminal So I made a list of pros and cons.
- The zipper on my jeans came off just before I was about to get on the plane to go on vacation and the airline wouldn't board me. They said I was on the no fly list.
- Joke my 9 year old daughter, Emma made up: What kind of list does Emma have a hard time with? List-ening!
(She has ADHD) - Santa Jingle… He's making a list.
He's checking it twice.
Gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
Santa Claus is in violation of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679 - I am undecided on whether should I be an athlete or a criminal so I made a list of pros and cons.
- Horrible joke I made up as a kid Why are frogs on the endangered species list?
Because they croak a lot! - I always give 100% in everything I do Donating blood now, can't wait to add this to the list of thi
- Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates. Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.
Share Hilarious List Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about list you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean schedule jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make list pranks.
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o**..., Ghaddafi, and Kim Jong Il?
Santa must be taking his naughty list a tad seriously this year.
The half-wit
A man owned a small farm in Norfolk.
The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
Famous Last Words
List your favorite ones. The one I liked the most when I was growing up:
Tarzan: "Who greased the vine?"
What did the cannibal ask for at the cruiseline buffet?
The passenger list.
The Montana Department of Employment
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
Help me find this joke
The joke is about a farmer returning from town and the sheriff meets him and gives him this list of constantly escalating inner connected bad news terminating with the revelation that the farmer needs to get a new dog.
"You haven't listened to a word I've said."
Strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
The police finally catch a notorious criminal,
so the chief himself decides to interrogate him.
Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to figure out my area of expertise."
Listen guys, I know this sub is all in good fun, but I don't think it's right to be making dumb jokes about obese people.
They already have enough on their plates.
Best listener
Girl: My boyfriend never listens to me.
Friend: You should date a blind mute.
Girl: why?
Friend: he's all ears
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did h**... not mind being on the naughty list?
He needed more coal anyway.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.
Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg r**... and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."
Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
Why are the Ninja Turtles on the No-Fly list?
Because they are members of an underground Splinter cell.
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I was asked to come up with a list of 10 s**... innuendo...
But I accidentally came up with 11, so I had to rub one out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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So apparently it's just a bit of lighthearted fun when people dress up to go and see Harry Potter at the cinema.........
but, when you do the same for Schindler's List, you're some kind of sick w**....
A man owned a small farm
A man owned a small farm near Maddock. The North Dakota Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my field hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I go into town and buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer sadly.
Home safety
I took my name off the Neighborhood Watch List.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, and multiple intelligence services are watching my house 24/7.
I've never felt safer in my entire Life!
I just read a list of 100 things to do before you die...
Surprisingly enough, yell for help wasn't anywhere on it.
they'll never listen to us
Wife: I lost my keys again
Me: Its in your jeans
Wife: Don't drag my family into this
Listening to your wife is like reading iTunes' user agreement...
... you don't understand anything, but you still agree with it.
I just added Princess Diana to my xbox friends list.
I don't think she has any games though, all she does is spend all day on the dashboard...
I can't listen to orchestral music anymore
Too much sax and violins.
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Today I m**... 8 times! A personal record for me...
In my defence Schindler's list was a long film
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He's making a list, he's checking it twice.
He's gonna find out who's Muslim or nice.
Donald Trump is coming to town ! 🎶
Movies are always more fun if you dress up like the characters.
Like the time I didn't eat for 3 weeks and then saw Schindler's List.
I was clearing out my loft today when I found a catalogued list of paedophiles
Naturally I was baffled to find such a thing in my loft, so I did a double take, and realised it was a TV guide from 1973.
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If you listen to Nicki Minaj backwards, you'll hear the illuminati's plans
What's worse, if you listen to it forward, it's Nicki Minaj
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I can finally scratch "murdering an anonymous vagrant" off my bucket list.
I didn't do it, it just doesn't seem all that appealing anymore I guess.
What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits?
Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
So there were a lot of celebrities at the DNC including Alicia Keys and Katy Perry. Hillary was excited because they are on her iPod.
Bill was excited because they were on his to-do list.
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Even if they all unite against Trump, those seven countries won't get off the list
A seven nation army couldn't hold Trump back.
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Buzzfeeds top 10 list of t**... methods
Number 7 will shock you
Buzzfeed did a top 10 list of power measurements
You'll never believe Watt's number 6
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Did you hear about the man who was taken off the o**... transplant list?
He was so disheartened
I was listening to some music with my friend and he told me "you should turn the bass down on your speaker".
It was sound advice.
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A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, p**..., keg, barrel, and bowl.
I needed to make a bucket list before I die.
I can't listen to my Vivaldi records.
They're all baroque.
I don't always listen to heavy metal, but when I do...
...so do the neighbors.
I listen to Justin Bieber when working...
White noise helps me focus.
I listened to All Star so many times it gave me tinnitus.
Now, my ears start humming and they don't stop humming.
The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now
So I thought I'd check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.
She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I put together a list of 288 dead baby jokes to post.
I decided not to post them because it would be two g**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What do you call the list of most grossly obese people in the world?
Four-chin 500
To do list-
(1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seed. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for reaction.
Eggs have recently been added to the endangered species list
Due to excessive poaching.
A List of Forts.
A Fort.
B Fort.
C Fort.
D Fort.
E Fort.
G Fort.
H Fort.
I Fort.
J Fort.
K Fort.
L Fort.
M Fort.
N Fort.
O Fort.
P Fort.
Q Fort.
R Fort.
S Fort.
T Fort.
U Fort.
V Fort.
W Fort.
X Fort.
Y Fort.
Z Fort.
I didn't put any F Fort into this joke.
My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with...
She read hers out: 'One, George Clooney; two, Brad Pitt; three, Justin Timberlake; four, Jake Gyllenhaal; five, Johnny Depp.' I thought, I've got the better deal here: 'One, your sister... That's where our conversation ended..
I don't always listen to Metallica
But when I do, nothing else matters.
The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines!
- Old age
- grey hair
- General decrease of diseases
A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven
The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.
After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.
Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.
St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.
The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!
St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...
When he drove, people prayed.
There is a huge debate about letting NFL teams play against prison inmates as part of their rehabilitation program.
Understandable, it has a big list of pros and cons.
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar.""Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?""My babysitter's boyfriend."
My wife insisted that I list every woman I'd ever been with...
so I started with the woman I lost my virginity to, all the way up to her. And that is where I should have stopped.
~Jimmy Carr
A man calls the National Security Agency...
Man: Hello, I heard you record all our phone conversations, is that correct?
Agent: No sir, we don't do that
Man: Oh shoot. I was just talking to my wife and she gave me a list of things to do and I can't remember! I thought I would check with you rather than call her back and let her know I wasn't listening!
Agent: I'm sorry to hear that sir, but as I said, we don't listen to civilian conversations. However, you should:
1. Pick up a gallon of milk
2. 2 dozen eggs
3. 4 Macintosh apples
4. Help Sofia with her math homework
....
Why don't you want to listen to a dragon's story?
Because they tend to drag-on
The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"
Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.
The day on which the paper announced the contest winner finally arrived! I scanned, and then carefully read the full-page of submissions, but the truth stared me in the face. Of my submissions that should have won, no pun in ten did.
