Liquor Store Jokes
98 liquor store jokes and hilarious liquor store puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about liquor store that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Liquor Store Short Jokes
Short liquor store jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The liquor store humour may include short liquor jokes also.
- I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me Do you need help? I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.
- Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber "is this whiskey?" The other says "yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"
- Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do? So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine
- Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened? He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy
- Fellow redditors, I am pleased to announce that I am clean and sober. So I'm going to finish this shower and head to the liquor store
- My bank was worried My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday
- Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed
- They say "Eat before you go to the grocery store, you do not buy as much" That does NOT work with a liquor store....
- Two men are robbing a liquor store... The other one asks: "Isn't this whisky?"
The other answers: "Well, it's less whisky than a bank whobbewy." - It turns out the town drunk is an exorcist. Since his last visit, there are no more spirits in the liquor store.
Share These Liquor Store Jokes With Friends
Liquor Store One Liners
Which liquor store one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with liquor store? I can suggest the ones about bottle shop and grocery store.
- At the liquor store: "Hey, do you need help?"
"Yes, but I come here instead" - Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store? They would steal all the boos.
- Where's a lesbian's favorite place to shop? The Liquor store
- Why was the kleptomaniac clown visiting the liquor store? He was lifting their spirits
- I'm think my car needs an alignment It keeps drifting towards the liquor store..
- A straw man walks into a bar Bar tender asks "Why do you hate liquor stores?"
- Why are all liquor stores haunted? Because they're full of spirits.
- Why's it so hard to perform comedy in a liquor store? Because you always only get booze
- I hate going to liquor stores. Everyone wines about everything.
- What do you call ghosts that haunt liquor stores? Spirits
- I'm in a good place right now.... Not emotionally, just that I'm at the liquor store.
- Everyone has their own path, fortunately mine leads to the liquor store.
- I bought soup from the liquor store It was missing 23 letters.
- Getting carded at the liquor store is better than getting liquored at the card store.
- What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say to the guy at the liquor store? Only a Sith deals in Absolut.
Liquor Store Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about liquor store you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean convenience store jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make liquor store pranks.
It was at the end of the school year,
and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "
That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
Is it Scotch?
For Christmas, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked,"Champagne?
"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"
What is the difference between a Catholic and a baptist?
A catholic will say "hello" to you in the liquor store.
A woman is opening presents at her birthday party,
and the first present she picks up is from the local florist, Max. She looks at the box and says, "I bet these are flowers" and Max nods his head. Sure enough, inside the box are flowers.
The second present she picks up is from the local candy shop owner, Molly. She looks at the box and said, "I bet this is candy" and Molly nods her head. Sure enough, inside the box is candy.
The third present she picks up is from the local liquor store owner, Joe. She looks at the box, which is leaking. " I bet this is a bottle of liquor" she says.
"Nope" says Joe.
The woman dabs some of the liquid on her finger and tastes it. "Oh, I know what this is, it's champagne!"
"No" says Joe.
The woman, frustrated, puts the box to her mouth and slurps off as much liquid as she can. "I have no idea. What did you get me, Joe?"
"A puppy."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Catholics and Baptists have in common?
Neither acknowledge their fellow church-goers at the liquor store.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You Passionate
Guy I work with tells this story of working on the road, being hard up, and deciding to pick up this h**.... Of course she is not the classiest of broads and a little strung out. She gets in the car and they talk about going back to the motel room to party, but she wants to stop at the liquor store first. "Oh yeah, baby, no problem."
So they're driving down the road getting frisky and talking dirty and this girl is a freak. Squirming all around in her seat and rubbing her hands all up and down his leg and across his junk. She is n**.... She says, "Sugar, you passionate."
"Oh yeah! I'm passionate, alright. I am gonna do you so good, you're gonna have to pay me."
"No sugar! You passionate! You pash'n the liquor sto!"
Maybe it's scotch?
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit…She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"
"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"
Anything but Guinness...
A guy goes into a liquor store and the guy behind the counter asks if he needs any help. He says "I'll take a case of beer please. Anything but Guinness!"
Clerk: "Sure buddy, but what's wrong with Guinness? It's one of our top sellers!"
Guy: "I don't have anything bad to say about the taste or anything like that, it's just that the last time I drank a case of Guinness to myself, I blew chunks!"
Clerk: "I don't think Guinness is your issue... If you drink a case of any beer to yourself you will blow chunks!"
Guy: "No sir, you don't understand. See, Chunks is my dog!"
You know you're an alcoholic when...
...your local liquor store is moving and they come to your house for boxes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Liquor store r**... reported
A man called police on Tuesday regarding his wife being locked inside of his local liquor store. He had apparently been waiting in the car whilst his spouse went in for drinks. 39 minutes passed without her return. Suspicious, he went to the doors to find them locked. Panic set in and he called the local authorities. Upon arrival they opened the doors to a vacant business. Inspecting the location they entered the storage room to find his wife strapped to the storage shelf n**.... The employees on duty were found l**... her exposed form. Police released the woman and no charges could be pressed as they had their liquor license.
I didn't get the job at the liquor store today.
Why did the man who robbed the liquor store with a boomerang get caught?
Because he couldn't throw away the evidence
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
THREE RELIGIOUS TRUTHS IN AMERICA, WE CANNOT ESCAPE:
1) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists AND MORMONS do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at h**....
A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol
So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.
He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.
He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"
His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"
-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-
An alcoholic walks into a candy store...
The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"
The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"
"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"
"What is that?"
"It's liquor-ish"
A Lack of Recognition
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the spiritual leader of their churches.
Baptists do not recognize each other in liquor stores or gentlemen's clubs.
How to tell the difference between Jews, Baptists, and Protestants
Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the Church
-
Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah
-
Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.
SCOTCH ??
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked,
"Champagne ?"
"No," said the little boy...
"It's a puppy!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between Catholics and Baptists?
Catholics wave at each other in the liquor store.
Did you hear about the malfunctioning register at the liquor store?
Everything's coming up rosé's
How do you tell the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist?
Methodist will say hi in a liquor store.
Why don't programmers buy wine from 24 hour liquor stores?
They make too many sin tax errors
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are 3 things that all religions can agree on.
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah, Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the head of the Church and Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
What did the detective see when he responded to the string of crimes at local liquor stores?
A bunch of cold cases.
the fourth!
Remember - the liquor stores are closed tomorrow so buy your fifth for the fourth on the third right this second as your first priority!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man calls his local liquor store
"When dO yoU open" the man asks in a drunken voice.
"We don't open until 9AM" the liquor store manager replies
A couple of hours later, the man calls the liquor store again.
"WhEn do YoU opEn?" he asks, now even more drunk, and almost shouting.
"As I told you earlier, we do not open until 9AM" the manager replies, annoyed"
A few hours later, the man calls the liquor store once again
"WHeebn DO yOUu OpEN?" the man is now almost entirely incomprehensible.
"We don't open until 9AM, and besides, in your current state, you wouldn't even be let into the store!" the manager shouts
"I'M nOt goIng INn you IdiOT, i'm goiNgg ouT!" the man replied
Liquor store closed down and now a church moved into the building.
Seems like a different spirit around there!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bartering with Beer
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less self almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a s**... voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow,
would you be interested in trading s**... for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"Depends on what kind of beer you've got!"
There are three truths in religion:
1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
i went to the liquor store on my bike.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle v**... and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day
I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase v**... from a liquor store...
...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"
After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.
"No, he responds. That line was even longer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three hobos are talking about last night...
The first hobo says, I was digging around behind a McDonald's last night and someone threw away a whole meal! I had a feast.
The second hobo says, I was scavenging by the liquor store yesterday and I found a full bottle of whiskey! I got drunk out of my mind.
The third hobo says, That's nothing. I was walking by the tracks and I ran into this woman. We had s**... all night long!
The other two hobos, admitting the third's was the best, say, That's awesome! Did she give you head?
The third hobo says, No... I never found her head.
Two priests and a whale walk into subway
The first priest orders a turkey on italian, and also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine here, but since you're a priest I'll go run and get some for you." So he runs to the liquor store across the street to go buy some wine.
The second priest orders a meatball sub, and he also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine, but since I got the other priest some, I'll go run and get you some." So he runs across the street again to the liquor store.
Then the whale walks up to the counter and says, "Waoooaoooooaaooo."
On the first day of school,
.. the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit… She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked,
"Champagne ?"
"No," said the little boy...........
"It's a puppy!"
ME: We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.
HER: That's ok, I don't drink. ME: Ok, we have two problems.
This is a really nice place, roomy and comfortable. How much for rent?
Sir this is a liquor store
Everyone loves a place that spreads Christmas spirit!
That's why the liquor stores do so well
I recently admitted that I had a serious drinking problem...
But then a discount liquor store opened only a block from my house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where did the o**... s**... addict go as soon as he got out of rehab?
The liquor store.
Coronavirus Lyme disease joke
What goes with the coronavirus? ... Lyme disease! Ha!
What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?
A Catholic will make eye contact with you at the liquor store.
After enquiring about the rent on a beautiful new apartment I was considering, I was informed...
...that, Sir, this is a liquor store.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ran out of v**... and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store
Man that hurt.
The liquor store ripped me off.
They said they had dry wines, but they were just as wet as the other ones!
I work part time at a liquor store, and as a super-villain
They call me, *the menace to sobriety*
You know what would really lift my spirits these days?
If I integrated a gym into my liquor store.
Two Nuns
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer,
wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one,
but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said,
'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under
the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
'The curlers are on me.'
Two Mosquitoes go to a Liquor Store.
One buys O- Blood, and one buys AB- Blood.
Mosquito 1: You must have really good taste.
Mosquito 2: And you're just whippin' by for a drink?
Mosquito 1: Nah, this kind's just really easy to get 'round here.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Religions are so different. Jews do not recognize Christ. Anglicans do not recognize the Pope.
Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The staff of this liquor store called the cops on me for stealing Whisky and v**....
I don't understand. I was only lifting their spirits.
A guy walks into a liquor store and ask for a case of Heineken.
The gal behind the counter replies, "Sorry. We're out of Heineken."
The guy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Fine. Make it Rolling Rock."
The woman replies, "Sorry, but the only cold beer we have in stock is Budweiser."
The man says, "Nope. No way. Last time I drank a case of Bud, I ended up getting sick and blowing chunks."
The cashier replies, "You drink a case of any beer you're gonna get sick!"
The man retorts, "No, you don't understand. My dog's name is Chunks."
Me: Thanks for always being there for me. *leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: Sir, please just pay for your stuff and leave.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are three religious truths
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
I was recently made aware that I have a serious drinking problem...
For example, my local liquor store is has shut down, which is a serious problem.
I got carded at the liquor store and my blockbuster card accidentally fell out.
The cashier said never mind.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Priest: Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to h**....
Alcoholic - Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor? Priest - He will also go to h**.... Alcoholic - Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and put's out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store? Priest - She too will go to h**.... Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to h**....
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, This is for washing our hair.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. The curlers are on me. -