Liquor Jokes
109 liquor jokes and hilarious liquor puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about liquor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article provides witty way to make light of the limitations of the current liquor store environment. Read on to get your fix of humorous jokes related to whiskey, drinks and other beverages. Discover the funny side to the liquor ban and laugh away.
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Funniest Liquor Short Jokes
Short liquor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The liquor humour may include short booze jokes also.
- I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me Do you need help? I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.
- Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber "is this whiskey?" The other says "yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"
- Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do? So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine
- Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened? He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy
- Fellow redditors, I am pleased to announce that I am clean and sober. So I'm going to finish this shower and head to the liquor store
- My bank was worried My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday
- Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed
- They say "Eat before you go to the grocery store, you do not buy as much" That does NOT work with a liquor store....
- Two men are robbing a liquor store... The other one asks: "Isn't this whisky?"
The other answers: "Well, it's less whisky than a bank whobbewy." - What is a lesbian's favorite alcohol? It doesn't matter. They just like a good hard liquor.
Share These Liquor Jokes With Friends
Liquor One Liners
Which liquor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with liquor? I can suggest the ones about whiskey and vodka.
- At the liquor store: "Hey, do you need help?"
"Yes, but I come here instead" - Liquor probably won't fix your problems... but it's worth a shot.
- Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store? They would steal all the boos.
- Where's a lesbian's favorite place to shop? The Liquor store
- What does a woman and a bar have in common? Liquor in the front, poker in the back
- Why was the kleptomaniac clown visiting the liquor store? He was lifting their spirits
- I'm think my car needs an alignment It keeps drifting towards the liquor store..
- You can't get drunk on Twizzlers They're only liquor*ish*
- I asked for 1.5 ounces of free liquor, but the bartender said no. It was worth a shot.
- A straw man walks into a bar Bar tender asks "Why do you hate liquor stores?"
- Why are all liquor stores haunted? Because they're full of spirits.
- Why did the man with no hands get kicked out of the bar? Couldn't hold his liquor.
- Why's it so hard to perform comedy in a liquor store? Because you always only get booze
- Gin is the Ionian mode of liquors... it will always resolve with tonic.
- What's the fastest way to get a female Officer to arrest you? Liquor.
Liquor Store Jokes
Here is a list of funny liquor store jokes and even better liquor store puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It turns out the town drunk is an exorcist. Since his last visit, there are no more spirits in the liquor store.
- Me: Thanks for always being there for me. *leans in for a kiss* Liquor store clerk: Sir, please just pay for your stuff and leave.
- What is the difference between a Catholic and a baptist? A catholic will say "hello" to you in the liquor store.
- You know you're an alcoholic when... ...your local liquor store is moving and they come to your house for boxes.
- I was recently made aware that I have a serious drinking problem... For example, my local liquor store is has shut down, which is a serious problem.
- the fourth! Remember - the liquor stores are closed tomorrow so buy your fifth for the fourth on the third right this second as your first priority!
- What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist? A Catholic will make eye contact with you at the liquor store.
- I work part time at a liquor store, and as a super-villain They call me, *the menace to sobriety*
- After enquiring about the rent on a beautiful new apartment I was considering, I was informed... ...that, Sir, this is a liquor store.
- How do you tell the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist? Methodist will say hi in a liquor store.
Ketchup Liquor Jokes
Here is a list of funny ketchup liquor jokes and even better ketchup liquor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What would you do if you saw a fat lady crossing the street? Ketchup and liquor
Share Hilarious Liquor Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about liquor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean alcoholic beverages jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make liquor pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A m**... was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish and Muslim on a plane
A Muslim was sitting next to p**... on a plane.
p**... ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips!"
p**... handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The gift.
Knowing that the minister had a very sore t**..., an elderly woman presented him with a bottle of cherry brandy.
"This is quite soothing, the woman said, "but please don't tell anyone I gave you liquor. Everyone thinks I am teetotaler."
"I understand," replied the good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days later, the congregant skimmed the "With Appreciation" column. There she read: "The minister extends his thanks to Mrs. Alice Rodgers for her gift of fruit and the spirit in which it was given."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Catholics and Baptists have in common?
Neither acknowledge their fellow church-goers at the liquor store.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke from my 84yo patient earlier today...
When a man and a woman get married, they apply for a marriage license. When two l**... tie the knot, what do they get?
A liquor license! (read it out loud)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a closet full of l**...?
A liquor cabinet!
heh.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What got him?
Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night.
"My grandfather lived to be 96."
"Ninety-six? What finally got him?"
"Liquor and women."
"Well, that just goes to show ya," snickered the o**..., "both will get you in the end."
"Well actually, no, it's not what ya think. Towards the end, Grandpa couldn't get either, so he just laid down and died."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The best s**... is like an old saloon.
Liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
THREE RELIGIOUS TRUTHS IN AMERICA, WE CANNOT ESCAPE:
1) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists AND MORMONS do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at h**....
Who's got Liquor?
Someone at a party asks if anyone has any liquor.
"Who's got liquor?"
Someone hands him a twizzler.
"That's not liquor!".
"It's liquor-ish."
A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol
So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.
He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.
He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"
His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"
-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-
An alcoholic walks into a candy store...
The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"
The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"
"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"
"What is that?"
"It's liquor-ish"
A Lack of Recognition
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the spiritual leader of their churches.
Baptists do not recognize each other in liquor stores or gentlemen's clubs.
How to tell the difference between Jews, Baptists, and Protestants
Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the Church
-
Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah
-
Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.
So yet another snake walks into a bar...
He asks the bartender,
"Gimme a shot of Jack!"
"No sir."
"Well why not?" The snake said.
"You can't hold your liquor!"
What do you call mixing hard liquor into coffee?
Getting ready for work
A guy asks a bartender for a shot
After drinking it, the guys looks into his pocket and says, "Hit me again."
The bartender pours more liquor into the mans shot glass. The man takes the shot, looks into his pocket, and says, "Hit me again."
5 shots laters, the bartender asks the man, "Sir, why do you keep looking into your pocket?"
The man replies, "Well, you see, I have a picture of my wife in here. And when she looks good to me, I'll go home."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two l**... walk into a bar...
One of them orders v**..., and the other one asks why.
She says she likes a hard liquor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bartering with Beer
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less self almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a s**... voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow,
would you be interested in trading s**... for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"Depends on what kind of beer you've got!"
There are three truths in religion:
1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
i went to the liquor store on my bike.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle v**... and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If g**... come out of the closet, where do l**... come from?
The liquor cabinet
A duck walks into a bar...
And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.
The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."
A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"
The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."
I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day
I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..
A liquor salesman, a food salesman and a mattress salesman were sitting in hotel lobby chatting
The liquor salesman spoke first,"Y'know, I hate to see a woman drink alone."
The food salesman countered with,"I hate to see a woman eat alone."
The mattress salesman said,"Say, what do you fellows think of the cold weather we've been having?"
A lesbian walks into a bar
She takes a seat, and the bartender asks, "Would you like to try our new liquor?"
"Sure!" she says, "I'd love to meet her."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase v**... from a liquor store...
...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"
After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.
"No, he responds. That line was even longer."
Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can resist complaints and excessively loud people,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...
If you can do all of these things, then you are probably a dog
Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!
The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, How's that now?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went drinking with a human centipede
The first guy could hold his liquor.
The rest if them got completely s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of v**... but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?
My sister came in my room and said this
Ok, so say ketchup and liquor after each sentence ok?
What did you eat for breakfast?
ketchup and liquor
What did you eat for dinner?
ketchup and liquor
What do you do when a girl runs
...
Nice
Joke translated from Romanian
A police officer goes to a Romanian town and asks one of the residents:
"So, where do you brew the liquor?"
The man replies:
"See that church over there? Everywhere except there."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Religions are so different. Jews do not recognize Christ. Anglicans do not recognize the Pope.
Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The staff of this liquor store called the cops on me for stealing Whisky and v**....
I don't understand. I was only lifting their spirits.
A Lady was conducting her Anti-Drinking campaign outside a bar......
A man came out of the Bar exuding alcohol fumes.
The Lady asked him :"Tell me. If you arrive at the Gates of Heaven with your breath smelling of liquor, do you think the Lord will let you in?"
"My good woman" passionately holding her hand, said the man, "When I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, a m**... and an Irishman are on a plane
They were seated next to each other on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are three religious truths
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
An anti-vaxxer is sitting at a bar.
He is a couple beers deep when the bartender shouts Free shots for the bar! On that man over there! And he points to a man the anti-vaxxer can't see.
The bartender then proceeds to walk down the bar pouring shots for each patron. When he gets to the anti-vaxxer, the man stops him from pouring the shot and says:
I have had quite a few beers tonight and I need to work tomorrow. I don't want to be hungover. How strong is the liquor?
Bartender: It's 100 proof.
Anti-vaxxer: That's too much proof for me. I'll skip the shot.
A Russian worker standing in a liquor line says: I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.
Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line.
His friends ask, Did you get him?
No, the line there was even longer than the line here.
A woman smelling strongly of hard liquor wakes up in a police station, dazed and confused.
She asks the first police officer she sees, "Why am I here?"
"For drinking," replies the officer.
=====
"That's great," says the woman, "when do we start?"
90% of the money I have made....
...has been spent on hard liquor, loose women, and other pleasures of the flesh.
The rest I squandered.
Why did they kick the skeleton out of the bar?
He couldn't hold his liquor.
Doc and Marty mcfly find a mysterious bottle of purple liquor.
Marty opens it and takes a whiff. "Smells kinda like wine, Doc"
Doc grabs the bottle, exclaiming "I don't think it's wine, Marty". Doc takes a sip and spits it into Marty's face. "Grape Scotch!?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Priest: Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to h**....
Alcoholic - Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor? Priest - He will also go to h**.... Alcoholic - Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and put's out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store? Priest - She too will go to h**.... Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to h**....
Drink dont drive
Liquor is cheaper than gas
If something doesn't exist, it isn't. if someone fails to do something, they didn't. if liquor isnt the solution to anything, what does that make it?
A solven't.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours….
He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him That's it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin. They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.
Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him Well, did you do it? The worker says, No, the line there was much longer than the line here.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, This is for washing our hair.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. The curlers are on me. -
I threw away a bottle of gin, but it kept showing back up in my liquor cabinet.
Turns out it's 86-proof.
So a horse walks into a bar.
He sits down and notices that the bartender is a very large lion who's having trouble picking up his comparatively tiny liquor bottles because he doesn't have fingers.
The lion bartender says "Hi," then stares at the horse for an entire minute.
The lion bartender finally continues,
"Why the long face?"
The horse laughs and replies,
"Why the big pause?"
What do short people hate drinking?
Top-shelf liquor.
