Following is our collection of funniest Liquor jokes. There are some liquor martini jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these liquor ketchup liquor puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
Jews don't recognize Jesus as the son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope, and Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
The other one asks: "Isn't this whisky?"
The other answers: "Well, it's less whisky than a bank whobbewy."
Knowing that the minister had a very sore throat, an elderly woman presented him with a bottle of cherry brandy.
"This is quite soothing, the woman said, "but please don't tell anyone I gave you liquor. Everyone thinks I am teetotaler."
"I understand," replied the good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days later, the congregant skimmed the "With Appreciation" column. There she read: "The minister extends his thanks to Mrs. Alice Rodgers for her gift of fruit and the spirit in which it was given."
Bottom of the fifth and all the bags are loaded.
A quadriplegic.
When a man and a woman get married, they apply for a marriage license. When two lesbians tie the knot, what do they get?
A liquor license! (read it out loud)
A liquor cabinet!
heh.
You can explore liquor beverage reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean liquor brandy dad jokes. There are also liquor puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
...your local liquor store is moving and they come to your house for boxes.
My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday
Liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
Someone at a party asks if anyone has any liquor.
"Who's got liquor?"
Someone hands him a twizzler.
"That's not liquor!".
"It's liquor-ish."
Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
This last bit translates into some practical advice. If you go fishing, don't bring a Baptist; he'll drink all the beer. But if you bring two of them, you'll have it all to yourself.
So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.
He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.
He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"
His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"
-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-
Because it's better to spill half the glass than forget where you put the liquor.
The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"
The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"
"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"
"What is that?"
"It's liquor-ish"
The Liquor store
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the spiritual leader of their churches.
Baptists do not recognize each other in liquor stores or gentlemen's clubs.
Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the Church
-
Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah
-
Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.
He asks the bartender,
"Gimme a shot of Jack!"
"No sir."
"Well why not?" The snake said.
"You can't hold your liquor!"
but it's worth a shot.
They would steal all the boos.
Since his last visit, there are no more spirits in the liquor store.
Southern Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.
After drinking it, the guys looks into his pocket and says, "Hit me again."
The bartender pours more liquor into the mans shot glass. The man takes the shot, looks into his pocket, and says, "Hit me again."
5 shots laters, the bartender asks the man, "Sir, why do you keep looking into your pocket?"
The man replies, "Well, you see, I have a picture of my wife in here. And when she looks good to me, I'll go home."
"Hey, do you need help?"
"Yes, but I come here instead"
Because they're full of spirits.
A liquor cabinet.
But I was afraid that I would fall of my bike on my way home and break the bottle, so I drank the entire bottle before I went home. Which ended up being a good thing since I fell of my bike 7 times on my way home
One of them orders vodka, and the other one asks why.
She says she likes a hard liquor.
Liquor in the front, poker in the back
Remember - the liquor stores are closed tomorrow so buy your fifth for the fourth on the third right this second as your first priority!
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less self almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow,
would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"Depends on what kind of beer you've got!"
I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home
Couldn't hold his liquor.
1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
The liquor cabinet
And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.
The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."
A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"
The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."
I responded: Yes, but I come here instead
I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..
He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy
Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear.
She takes a seat, and the bartender asks, "Would you like to try our new liquor?"
"Sure!" she says, "I'd love to meet her."
...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"
After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.
"No, he responds. That line was even longer."
The first said, "Mtn Dew, because he's always ready to mount 'n' do me"
The second said, "7up, because it may only be seven inches but it's always up"
The third said, "Jack Daniels"
I said, "But that's a hard liquor"
She relied, "Yes, and so is he"
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can resist complaints and excessively loud people,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...
If you can do all of these things, then you are probably a dog
He was lifting their spirits
For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed
...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...
The first guy could hold his liquor.
The rest if them got completely shitfaced.
That does NOT work with a liquor store....
I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.
I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the JD before I rode back.
Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
It keeps drifting towards the liquor store..
''Yes, but I come here instead''
... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.
And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.
It doesn't matter. They just like a good hard liquor.
In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?
I said, Yes, but I'll get whiskey instead.
I meant to buy a bottle of whisky
On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky
So I decided to drink it all at once right there
It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.
A police officer goes to a Romanian town and asks one of the residents:
"So, where do you brew the liquor?"
The man replies:
"See that church over there? Everywhere except there."
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
I said, Yes, but I'll get whiskey instead.
Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank."
That does not work in a liquor store.
I don't understand. I was only lifting their spirits.
"Hey, do you need any help ?"
"YES, but I come here instead."
She walks in and sees a table with three bowls of porridge and three bottles of liquor. She's hungry so she eats the big bowl of porridge. She's thirsty so she drinks the medium bottle of liquor. She gets tired so she goes to sleep in the little bed. The bears get back home and the big bear exclaims: "Hey someone ate my porridge!" To which the medium bear responds: "Who cares about your porridge - someone drank my liquor!" The little bear turns to the two and says calmly: "Let's all just relax and call it a day."
The gal behind the counter replies, "Sorry. We're out of Heineken."
The guy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Fine. Make it Rolling Rock."
The woman replies, "Sorry, but the only cold beer we have in stock is Budweiser."
The man says, "Nope. No way. Last time I drank a case of Bud, I ended up getting sick and blowing chunks."
The cashier replies, "You drink a case of any beer you're gonna get sick!"
The man retorts, "No, you don't understand. My dog's name is Chunks."
I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.
Liquor store clerk: Sir, please just pay for your stuff and leave.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the liquor schnapps jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working liquor bourbon piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.