Liquor Jokes

Following is our collection of beverage humor and martini one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Liquor puns for adults, dirty brandy jokes or clean ketchup liquor gags for kids.

There is an abundance of schnapps jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 72 funniest jokes on liquor. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any bourbon witze you can hear about liquor.

The Best jokes about Liquor

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me Do you need help?

I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?

Nun : "Mother Superior told me."

Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"

Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."

Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."

Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."

The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.

The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home


I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

A duck walks into a bar...

And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.

The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"

The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."

A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"

The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."

I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day

I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.

Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..

At the liquor store:

"Hey, do you need help?"
"Yes, but I come here instead"

Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened?

He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy


A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

There are three truths in religion:

1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.


2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.


3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

An alcoholic walks into a candy store...

The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"

The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.

I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike

I meant to buy a bottle of whisky

On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky

So I decided to drink it all at once right there

It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.

I went to the liquor store on my bike the other day to get some vodka

But I was afraid that I would fall of my bike on my way home and break the bottle, so I drank the entire bottle before I went home. Which ended up being a good thing since I fell of my bike 7 times on my way home

Liquor probably won't fix your problems...

but it's worth a shot.

I went drinking with a human centipede

The first guy could hold his liquor.

The rest if them got completely shitfaced.


A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol

So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.

He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.

He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"

His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"

-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-

Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?

They would steal all the boos.

What do you call an Irishman who can't hold his liquor?

A quadriplegic.

My bank was worried

My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday 

What do you call a closet full of lesbians?

A liquor cabinet!

heh.

I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle.

I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.

I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the JD before I rode back.

Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

I went to the liquor store and the guy working there asked me, Do you need help?

I said, Yes, but I'll get whiskey instead.

Here's a joke for you.

Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

This last bit translates into some practical advice. If you go fishing, don't bring a Baptist; he'll drink all the beer. But if you bring two of them, you'll have it all to yourself.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces

For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"

After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.

"No, he responds. That line was even longer."

A liquor store employee asked a customer if he needed any help

''Yes, but I come here instead''

A Mormon was seated next to a Irishman on a plane..

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
 

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

The gift.

Knowing that the minister had a very sore throat, an elderly woman presented him with a bottle of cherry brandy.

"This is quite soothing, the woman said, "but please don't tell anyone I gave you liquor. Everyone thinks I am teetotaler."

"I understand," replied the good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later, the congregant skimmed the "With Appreciation" column. There she read: "The minister extends his thanks to Mrs. Alice Rodgers for her gift of fruit and the spirit in which it was given."

What do you call a closet filled with lesbians?

A liquor cabinet.

Bartering with Beer

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

With her bra-less self almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow,
would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"Depends on what kind of beer you've got!"

A guy asks a bartender for a shot

After drinking it, the guys looks into his pocket and says, "Hit me again."

The bartender pours more liquor into the mans shot glass. The man takes the shot, looks into his pocket, and says, "Hit me again."

5 shots laters, the bartender asks the man, "Sir, why do you keep looking into your pocket?"

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have a picture of my wife in here. And when she looks good to me, I'll go home."

Religion is all about who you DON'T recognize.....

Jews don't recognize Jesus as the son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope, and Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

If gays come out of the closet, where do lesbians come from?

The liquor cabinet

Where's a lesbian's favorite place to shop?

The Liquor store

A Lack of Recognition

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the spiritual leader of their churches.

Baptists do not recognize each other in liquor stores or gentlemen's clubs.

What does a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back

They say "Eat before you go to the grocery store, you do not buy as much"

That does NOT work with a liquor store....

Two men are robbing a liquor store...

The other one asks: "Isn't this whisky?"

The other answers: "Well, it's less whisky than a bank whobbewy."

Why was the kleptomaniac clown visiting the liquor store?

He was lifting their spirits

What is a lesbian's favorite alcohol?

It doesn't matter. They just like a good hard liquor.

A lesbian walks into a bar

She takes a seat, and the bartender asks, "Would you like to try our new liquor?"

"Sure!" she says, "I'd love to meet her."

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can resist complaints and excessively loud people,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...

If you can do all of these things, then you are probably a dog

Two priests and a whale walk into subway

The first priest orders a turkey on italian, and also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine here, but since you're a priest I'll go run and get some for you." So he runs to the liquor store across the street to go buy some wine.

The second priest orders a meatball sub, and he also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine, but since I got the other priest some, I'll go run and get you some." So he runs across the street again to the liquor store.

Then the whale walks up to the counter and says, "Waoooaoooooaaooo."

It turns out the town drunk is an exorcist.

Since his last visit, there are no more spirits in the liquor store.

Racist Lifeguard Jokes

Racist joke time

**How many black people can you fit in a pool?**

Depends, how deep is the pool?

**How many mexicans can you fit in a pool?**

Well I tried to count but the water got too murky.

**How many Russians can you fit in a pool?**

Zero, the pool froze over.

**How many Irishmen can you fit in a pool?**

The real question is how much liquor can you fit in a pool?

**How many North Koreans can you fit in a pool?**

It doesn't matter, they'll never get out.

**How many Israelis can you fit in a pool?**

We lost count. We gave them one pool, and they just took another and another and another...

**How many Sardines can you fit in a pool?**

A lot, you just pack them in like chinese people.

**How many Arabs can you fit in a pool?**

They have water down there?

**How many white people can you fit in a pool?**

Only 1, white people don't share too well.

**How many Germans can you fit in a pool?**

After the first few they just start complaining about each other.

**How many Brazilians can you fit in a pool?**

Wait, how many is a Brazilian again?

**How many Canadians can you fit in a pool?**

I'm sorry, I don't know.

**How many Australians can you fit in a pool?**

Just mind the crocs.

**How many Native Americans can you fit in a pool?**

Depends, do you include burial ground white man build pool over?


All my upvotes to the person who can think up a good cuban version.

Three wives were talking to each other about their husbands and comparing them to drinks.

The first said, "My husband is like 7-Up. Because he's got 7 inches, and it's always up."
The second said, "Well my husband is like Mountain Dew. Because when he gets home from work, he likes to 'mount and do me.'"
The third says, "My husband is like Jack Daniels."
The first responds, "Girl, that's a hard liquor."
And she responds, "Yeup, that's my Leroy!"

My dad told it to me over the weekend, so credit to him. Don't know where it originated from.

My Last 3 Boyfriends gossip

Two female co-workers are chatting it up, and they are discussing the boyfriends they've had in the last year.


One girl says "The last 3 boyfriends I've had, I've named after soda pops. The first one I called 7 Up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up.


The second one I called mountain dew, because when it came to mounting he knew what to do.


The third I called Jack Daniels. Then the other girl interrupts saying "Hold on a minute. Isn't Jack Daniels hard liquor?"


The girl smiles and says "Yes it is"

A woman is opening presents at her birthday party,

and the first present she picks up is from the local florist, Max. She looks at the box and says, "I bet these are flowers" and Max nods his head. Sure enough, inside the box are flowers.

The second present she picks up is from the local candy shop owner, Molly. She looks at the box and said, "I bet this is candy" and Molly nods her head. Sure enough, inside the box is candy.

The third present she picks up is from the local liquor store owner, Joe. She looks at the box, which is leaking. " I bet this is a bottle of liquor" she says.

"Nope" says Joe.

The woman dabs some of the liquid on her finger and tastes it. "Oh, I know what this is, it's champagne!"

"No" says Joe.

The woman, frustrated, puts the box to her mouth and slurps off as much liquid as she can. "I have no idea. What did you get me, Joe?"







"A puppy."

I'm think my car needs an alignment

It keeps drifting towards the liquor store..

3 old ladies go to a baseball game with a bottle of liquor. They finish the bottle...what inning is it and what are the circumstances on the field?

Bottom of the fifth and all the bags are loaded.

I went to a big liquor store and they asked me if I needed any help.

I responded: Yes, but I come here instead

So yet another snake walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender,


"Gimme a shot of Jack!"


"No sir."


"Well why not?" The snake said.


"You can't hold your liquor!"

Who's got Liquor?

Someone at a party asks if anyone has any liquor.
"Who's got liquor?"
Someone hands him a twizzler.
"That's not liquor!".

"It's liquor-ish."

You know you're an alcoholic when...

...your local liquor store is moving and they come to your house for boxes.

How to tell the difference between Jews, Baptists, and Protestants

Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the Church

-

Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah

-

Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.

I asked a group of women to describe their husbands using a soft drink [possibly NSFW]

The first said, "Mtn Dew, because he's always ready to mount 'n' do me"

The second said, "7up, because it may only be seven inches but it's always up"

The third said, "Jack Daniels"
I said, "But that's a hard liquor"
She relied, "Yes, and so is he"

Joke translated from Romanian

A police officer goes to a Romanian town and asks one of the residents:
"So, where do you brew the liquor?"
The man replies:
"See that church over there? Everywhere except there."

I would rather have Parkinson's than Alzheimer's

Because it's better to spill half the glass than forget where you put the liquor.

The best sex is like an old saloon.

Liquor in the front and poker in the rear.

Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope.

Southern Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.

A joke from my 84yo patient earlier today...

When a man and a woman get married, they apply for a marriage license. When two lesbians tie the knot, what do they get?


A liquor license! (read it out loud)

Why are all liquor stores haunted?

Because they're full of spirits.

Why did the man with no hands get kicked out of the bar?

Couldn't hold his liquor.

A man calls his local liquor store

"When dO yoU open" the man asks in a drunken voice.
"We don't open until 9AM" the liquor store manager replies

A couple of hours later, the man calls the liquor store again.

"WhEn do YoU opEn?" he asks, now even more drunk, and almost shouting.

"As I told you earlier, we do not open until 9AM" the manager replies, annoyed"

A few hours later, the man calls the liquor store once again
"WHeebn DO yOUu OpEN?" the man is now almost entirely incomprehensible.

"We don't open until 9AM, and besides, in your current state, you wouldn't even be let into the store!" the manager shouts

"I'M nOt goIng INn you IdiOT, i'm goiNgg ouT!" the man replied

the fourth!

Remember - the liquor stores are closed tomorrow so buy your fifth for the fourth on the third right this second as your first priority!

Why's it so hard to perform comedy in a liquor store?

Because you always only get booze

Two lesbians walk into a bar...

One of them orders vodka, and the other one asks why.
She says she likes a hard liquor.

How are women like bars?

Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes