The Best 74 Liquor Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Liquor jokes. There are some liquor martini jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these liquor ketchup liquor puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Liquor Jokes and Puns
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me Do you need help?
I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Irish and Muslim on a plane
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
Religion is all about who you DON'T recognize.....
Jews don't recognize Jesus as the son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope, and Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
Two men are robbing a liquor store...
The other one asks: "Isn't this whisky?"
The other answers: "Well, it's less whisky than a bank whobbewy."
The gift.
Knowing that the minister had a very sore throat, an elderly woman presented him with a bottle of cherry brandy.
"This is quite soothing, the woman said, "but please don't tell anyone I gave you liquor. Everyone thinks I am teetotaler."
"I understand," replied the good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days later, the congregant skimmed the "With Appreciation" column. There she read: "The minister extends his thanks to Mrs. Alice Rodgers for her gift of fruit and the spirit in which it was given."
3 old ladies go to a baseball game with a bottle of liquor. They finish the bottle...what inning is it and what are the circumstances on the field?
Bottom of the fifth and all the bags are loaded.
What do you call an Irishman who can't hold his liquor?
A quadriplegic.
A joke from my 84yo patient earlier today...
When a man and a woman get married, they apply for a marriage license. When two lesbians tie the knot, what do they get?
A liquor license! (read it out loud)
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet!
heh.
You can explore liquor beverage reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean liquor brandy dad jokes. There are also liquor puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
You know you're an alcoholic when...
...your local liquor store is moving and they come to your house for boxes.
My bank was worried
My bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since last friday
Who's got Liquor?
Someone at a party asks if anyone has any liquor.
"Who's got liquor?"
Someone hands him a twizzler.
"That's not liquor!".
"It's liquor-ish."
Here's a joke for you.
Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
This last bit translates into some practical advice. If you go fishing, don't bring a Baptist; he'll drink all the beer. But if you bring two of them, you'll have it all to yourself.
A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol
So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.
He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.
He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"
His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"
-my dad tells this one to at least one person every time he goes into a liquor store-
I would rather have Parkinson's than Alzheimer's
Because it's better to spill half the glass than forget where you put the liquor.
An alcoholic walks into a candy store...
The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"
The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"
"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"
"What is that?"
"It's liquor-ish"
Where's a lesbian's favorite place to shop?
The Liquor store
A Lack of Recognition
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the spiritual leader of their churches.
Baptists do not recognize each other in liquor stores or gentlemen's clubs.
So yet another snake walks into a bar...
He asks the bartender,
"Gimme a shot of Jack!"
"No sir."
"Well why not?" The snake said.
"You can't hold your liquor!"
Liquor probably won't fix your problems...
but it's worth a shot.
Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store?
They would steal all the boos.
It turns out the town drunk is an exorcist.
Since his last visit, there are no more spirits in the liquor store.
A guy asks a bartender for a shot
After drinking it, the guys looks into his pocket and says, "Hit me again."
The bartender pours more liquor into the mans shot glass. The man takes the shot, looks into his pocket, and says, "Hit me again."
5 shots laters, the bartender asks the man, "Sir, why do you keep looking into your pocket?"
The man replies, "Well, you see, I have a picture of my wife in here. And when she looks good to me, I'll go home."
At the liquor store:
"Hey, do you need help?"
"Yes, but I come here instead"
What do you call a closet filled with lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
I went to the liquor store on my bike the other day to get some vodka
But I was afraid that I would fall of my bike on my way home and break the bottle, so I drank the entire bottle before I went home. Which ended up being a good thing since I fell of my bike 7 times on my way home
What does a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back
Bartering with Beer
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less self almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow,
would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"Depends on what kind of beer you've got!"
I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...
I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home
There are three truths in religion:
1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
i went to the liquor store on my bike.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry
If gays come out of the closet, where do lesbians come from?
The liquor cabinet
A duck walks into a bar...
And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.
The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."
A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"
The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."
I went to a big liquor store and they asked me if I needed any help.
I responded: Yes, but I come here instead
I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day
I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.
Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..
Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened?
He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy
A lesbian walks into a bar
She takes a seat, and the bartender asks, "Would you like to try our new liquor?"
"Sure!" she says, "I'd love to meet her."
A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store...
...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"
After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.
"No, he responds. That line was even longer."
I asked a group of women to describe their husbands using a soft drink [possibly NSFW]
The first said, "Mtn Dew, because he's always ready to mount 'n' do me"
The second said, "7up, because it may only be seven inches but it's always up"
The third said, "Jack Daniels"
I said, "But that's a hard liquor"
She relied, "Yes, and so is he"
Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can resist complaints and excessively loud people,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...
If you can do all of these things, then you are probably a dog
Why was the kleptomaniac clown visiting the liquor store?
He was lifting their spirits
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces
For example, I am going to the liquor store and I'm afraid that it's closed
I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...
...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...
I went drinking with a human centipede
The first guy could hold his liquor.
The rest if them got completely shitfaced.
They say "Eat before you go to the grocery store, you do not buy as much"
That does NOT work with a liquor store....
I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle.
I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.
I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the JD before I rode back.
Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
I'm think my car needs an alignment
It keeps drifting towards the liquor store..
A liquor store employee asked a customer if he needed any help
''Yes, but I come here instead''
Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store
... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.
And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.
What is a lesbian's favorite alcohol?
It doesn't matter. They just like a good hard liquor.
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?
I went to the liquor store and the guy working there asked me, Do you need help?
I said, Yes, but I'll get whiskey instead.
I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike
I meant to buy a bottle of whisky
On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky
So I decided to drink it all at once right there
It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.
Joke translated from Romanian
A police officer goes to a Romanian town and asks one of the residents:
"So, where do you brew the liquor?"
The man replies:
"See that church over there? Everywhere except there."
I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
I was browsing in a liquor store, and the guy there asked me, Do you need any help?
I said, Yes, but I'll get whiskey instead.
Religions are so different. Jews do not recognize Christ. Anglicans do not recognize the Pope.
Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
Two burglars are robbing a liquor store.
One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank."
Scientists say, "Eat before you go into a grocery store, so you don't buy as much."
That does not work in a liquor store.
At the liquor store...
"Hey, do you need any help ?"
"YES, but I come here instead."
I walked into the liquor store and a guy working there asked me, Do you need help?
I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.
Me: Thanks for always being there for me. *leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: Sir, please just pay for your stuff and leave.
What's a lesbians favorite drink?
Liquor
So, a Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane
They were seated next to each other on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
There are three religious truths
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
An anti-vaxxer is sitting at a bar.
He is a couple beers deep when the bartender shouts Free shots for the bar! On that man over there! And he points to a man the anti-vaxxer can't see.
The bartender then proceeds to walk down the bar pouring shots for each patron. When he gets to the anti-vaxxer, the man stops him from pouring the shot and says:
I have had quite a few beers tonight and I need to work tomorrow. I don't want to be hungover. How strong is the liquor?
Bartender: It's 100 proof.
Anti-vaxxer: That's too much proof for me. I'll skip the shot.
Two men are robbing a liquor store…
One says, 'Is this whisky?'
'Yes', the other replies, 'but not as whisky as wobbing a bank'
A Russian worker standing in a liquor line says: I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.
Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line.
His friends ask, Did you get him?
No, the line there was even longer than the line here.
i went to the liquor store on my bike.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occurred to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
Pulled Over
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew the breathalyzer and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
A woman smelling strongly of hard liquor wakes up in a police station, dazed and confused.
She asks the first police officer she sees, "Why am I here?"
"For drinking," replies the officer.
=====
"That's great," says the woman, "when do we start?"
What do alcoholic insects drink?
Molt liquor
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