JokoJokes

Lips Jokes

160 lips jokes and hilarious lips puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lips that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Need a laugh? Check out our compilation of jokes about lips! From the cringe-worthy two-tulip lips to the quacky duck lips, we have it all. Learn more about the most popular lip jokes, including some about dry lips, big lips, no lips, and botox lips. With these jokes about mouths and brows, you’ll be sure to have a smile on your face.

Funniest Lips Short Jokes

Short lips jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lips humour may include short hair lip jokes also.

  1. If I'm reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
  2. The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live and breed inside the mouths of Alpacas. The survivors now live in a post Alpaca lip tick wasteland.
  3. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter
  4. My wife thinks it's seductive to bite her lip. I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.
  5. The problem with kissing a perfect 10 is that Sometimes it's cold when your lips touch the mirror
  6. Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline? Because their lips have so many chaps on them!
  7. Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december? The specific ocean.
  8. At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.
  9. Lip Balm To My Wife Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She's still not talking to me.
  10. What's black and white and goes "Oooooo"? A cow with no lips.
    (Credit goes to my 8-yr-old.)

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Lips One Liners

Which lips one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lips? I can suggest the ones about lip balm and licks.

  1. The problem with kissing a perfect 10 Is how cold the mirror feels on your lips.
  2. What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader.
  3. Why don't women wear skirts in the winter? chapped lips
  4. How did the hipster burn his lips? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
  5. What goes "Ooooooooooo!"? A cow with no lips.
  6. My friend Phillip got his lip removed yesterday.. we call him Phil now
  7. Did you hear about the deaf gynecologist? He had to read lips.
  8. Why do deaf people make the best gynecologists? Because they're good at reading lips.
  9. How do skeletons kiss Skeletons don't have lips, they just bone.
  10. Why do girls never wear skirts when it's cold? Because their lips get chapped.
  11. What does a cow with no lips say? OOOOOOOOO
  12. Ever heard of the blind gynecologist? He could read lips
  13. What has 4 legs and goes AAaaah? A sheep with no lips
  14. What does a deaf gynecologist do? Read lips.
  15. Q: Why don't women wear dresses in the winter? A: They could get chapped lips!

No Lips Jokes

Here is a list of funny no lips jokes and even better no lips puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you know: Men think a lot because they have two heads
    And women talk a lot because they have four lips
  • My 6 year olds just told me this at breakfast. What does a cow with no lips say? Oooooooooo
  • Wife was in ICU Doctor: She is in a coma.
    Husband: Please save her. She's just 30.
    *Just then, ECG starts beeping. Fingers move. Her lips mumbled...
    And she spoke:
    I'm 29
  • I feel so bad for the deaf people who need to read lips to communicate, because of all of the face masks right now. Let's give them all a moment of silence.
  • A cyclops was doing a crossword puzzle and asked his wife, "Hun, how do you spell Hawaii?" Biting her lip, she replied, "I think you need 2 'i's."
  • What crime is committed when you drink a glass of ice water, but use your lips to keep the ice from leaving the glass, only to let the water through? Obstruction of just ice.
  • I think I'm about to be molested by an alpaca... Today some guy on the street kept screaming at me to "be ready for the alpaca lips"
  • How can you tell when Clinton is lying? Her lips are moving.
    Yeah, it's an old joke but then again, so is she.
  • My wife holds grudges over the smallest things. She asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. Even after a few weeks, she's still not speaking to me
  • This kid walked up to me and called me gay.. I couldn't believe it. I wanted to punch this kid directly in the mouth. With my lips. Softly.

Chapped Lips Jokes

Here is a list of funny chapped lips jokes and even better chapped lips puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • You know why ladies don't wear mini skirts in the winter? Cause they'll get chapped lips
  • Why don't girls wear skirts in the winter time? Cuz they'll get chapped lips. Brr.
  • What does Joan Jett use when her lips are chapped? Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry balm!
  • Q: Why shouldn't girls wear skirts in winter?
    A: Because their lips will get chapped!
  • Chap sticks for police use stolen. Where found to be replaced by glue sticks. Police remain tight lipped on the incident.
  • Someone replaced the police issued chap sticks with glue sticks. Police remain tight lipped about the incident.
  • Your lips are so chapped, I can hear you smile.
  • What do you call a woman wearing a skirt in winter? Chapped lips.
  • Saw somebody rubbing some Chapstick on their lips today. Lucky chap.
  • What did the t**... say to the man with chapped lips? "I have a balm!"
Lips joke, What did the t**... say to the man with chapped lips?

Your Lips So Big Jokes

Here is a list of funny your lips so big jokes and even better your lips so big puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Today, I got to kiss my crush. I leaned in, ready for the big moment, with the suspense building up... Then my lips hit the mirror
  • All your mom wants this mother's day is something big and between her lips A smile.
  • Yo mama's lips are so big when you smile you wet your hair.
  • I have a hair lip, a big belly, and a lazy eye. What am I? Ugly.
Lips joke, I have a hair lip, a big belly, and a lazy eye. What am I?

Fun-Filled Lips Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle

What funny jokes about lips you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tongue jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lips pranks.

A m**... was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
 
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

What should you do when you meet a beautiful woman with sparkling eyes, wet lips, pink cheeks, shivering body....

Keep going! She has flu symptoms!

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Young love... sort of...

Once when I was at kindergarten, there was this girl I really liked. When she came in the next day, I kissed her on the cheek.
The next day, I kissed her on the lips. The next day, I put my hand under her shirt. And the next day, I put both my hands up her shirt.
Eventually she told her parents.Needless to say, that was the end of my teaching career.

A middle school in Oregon

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and scrubbed the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Did you hear about the Irish man who tried to blow up a bus?

He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

Joey the altar boy goes to confession and says...

‎'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

Three Guys Are Getting Ready For Their Dates

The first guy pops a breath mint for his date so his breath smells good. Then the second guy starts chewing some gum so his breath smells good. Then the last guy starts eating onions and garlic. The others say "Don't you want to have nice smelling breath for your date?"
"Nah" he says, "The lips I'm kissing tonight already stink."

Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to p**... on a plane.
p**... ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips!"
p**... handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

Lipstick Girls

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

Why do girls talk so much?

They have four lips

what's better than 1 rose on a piano?

2 lips on an o**...

A kid goes to church to confess...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

Did you hear about the t**... who was sent to blow up a car?

Well, he burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

A misunderstanding

A girl is driving down the highway listening to the radio when a song comes on that she really, really likes. The DJ says the name of that song was "Hot lips and tender kisses." The girl says to herself I've got to buy that record. She pulls over and looks up the phone number for the nearest record store. She dials the number but makes a mistake while dialing and instead of calling a record store she has called an auto mechanic. The phone rings and the mechanic picks up the phone. The girl says, excitedly, "Do you have hot lips and tender kisses?" The mechanic is a little confused, but responds, "No, but I've got hot pants and seven inches." The girl responds, "Is that a record?" The mechanic says, "No, but it's better than average."

Did you hear about the Polish assassin that blew up cars for a living?

He burns his lips on the tail pipes.

I couldn't take my eyes off her

I kissed her parted lips, our tongues touched. One hand passionately kneaded her breast, tweaking her hardened n**....
As the other hand delved deep between her thighs I couldn't help but think, "This'll probably be the last open casket f**... I get invited to".

Why can't you hear a dog whistle?

Because they have a hard time puckering their lips the right way.

Kiss The Mirror

A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.

What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs?

Cuntswaylow
Bonus: what do you call an Asian woman with no legs?
Dragon lips

A blonde is about to solve a crossword...

... but still misses some answers.
She asks for a help her best friend,
"Jane, could you help me solving this pls. - the clue says 'Feminine i**... part' - with 4 letters.."
"Across or down?" asks her friend.
"It's across"
"Then it should be lips"

Why did the blonde give up on trying to blow up a car?

She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe

Two vampires...

Two vampires are sitting on a bench. On a given moment, one of them says "I gotta go! Time to get some blood!"
Only 30 seconds later he's back with blood hanging all over his lips and teeth so his friend asks "That was fast! What'd you do?"
"Well, do you see that lamppost over there?"
"Yes...?"
"I didn't!"

A boy goes into confession...

The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."
"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"
"Oh I can't say."
"Was it Mary Jane?"
"No Father."
"Adalina Mozarelli?"
"My lips are sealed."
"How about Cindy King"
"I can never say."
"Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?"
"No."
"It has to be Tracy Cummings though!"
"Father I will never tell you."
"Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months."
"Ok, Father"
The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?"
The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"

I went to see a t**... ventriloquist last night.

She was amazing, I never saw her lips moving once.

What's better than roses on your piano?

Two lips on your o**....

Being kissed by a llama isn't the end of the world

The way some people go on about it, you'd think they were talking about the alpaca lips

I walked into my bosses office and yelled, "Three to five cellular layers of skin."

"What?" he laughed.
"I'm just saying what's on everyone's lips."

I went to see a t**... Ventriloquist last weekend.

She was awesome. I didn't see her lips move once.

How do you pick Dolly Parton's Kids out of a crowd?

They're the ones with stretch marks around their lips.

The Priest and the Altar Boy

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body

o**... said, "18."
A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"
Another guy said, "12."
The French guy piped up again, "119!"
A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"
The French guy shouted, "120!"

How did Helen Keller discover m**...?

Trying to read her own lips.

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

What's the worst part about making out with a perfect 10?

The cold feeling on your lips when you realize you're kissing the mirror

Why do deaf women wear tight jeans?

So you can read their lips.

What profession is it important to know how to read lips?

A gynecologist.

Why do hipsters burn their lips when they drink tea?

Because they drink it before it's cool.

Why does the Avon lady walk funny?

Because her lips stick

A woman accidently used glue for lubricant...

After she told her best friend about the mix up, the friend said: "This story stays between us, the less people that know about this the better."
The woman nodded in agreement... "Yeah that's right, my lips are sealed."

What happened to the Irishman who tried to blow up a school bus?

He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

My mate told me yesterday that he's started dating twins!

I asked how he could tell which one is which.
He said, 'Well, Andrea is really, really attractive - she has long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and plump red lips. Plus she's got a really nice body. Pretty much a perfect ten.
And Brian has a c**....'

Why do women talk so much?

Because they have 4 lips.

A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.
"What?" says the woman.

A couple of ten years is in bed

They haven't had s**... in months. The man unexpectedly starts caressing her knees, then her tighs. She starts breathing heavily. He caresses her waist, her belly. She closes her eyes and starts biting her lips. He caresses her breast, her shoulders. She's getting there.
"Found the remote!"

Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans?

So people can read her lips.

A man is served whiskey on a flight

A man is served whiskey on a flight.
The flight attendant asks the priest seated next to him, whether he would like a drink too?
Priest: I would rather be r**... by a dozen prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips
The man returns the drink saying: Me too, I didn't know we had a choice...

Which flower is the pinkest?

Two lips

Wanna know the best part about making out with a perfect 10?

The cold feel of the mirror on your lips.

Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic.

But the cop didn't think so.

An Irish man and a m**... sat next to each other on a plane.

The flight attendant comes and asks the Irish man if he wants a drink. He asks for a whiskey and the drink is promptly placed in front of him.
The flight attendant asks the m**...:
"Do you want an alcoholic drink too?"
The m**... responds:
"I would rather be assaulted by a dozen w**... than have alcohol touch my lips."
The Irish man interrupts saying:
"In that case take my drink back. I didn't know we had a choice."

Me: *licks lips in anticipation*

I'm nervous, I've never bungee jumped before.
Instructor: Please stop l**... my lips.

Some people enjoy roses on their piano....

.... but I prefer two lips on my o**....

My first time bungee jumping.

*Licks lips nervously*
Me: This is my first time bungee jumping.
Instructor: Can you please stop l**... my lips.

I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife. Get your lips off my wife,

I snapped pulling him off her. But sir, I'm not kissing her! He pleaded. She's stopped breathing.
Do I need to repeat myself?

What happened to the man who tried to blow up a bus?

What happened to the man who tried to blow up a bus? He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

How can you tell if a Russian politician is lying?

Their lips are moving.

What do narcos use for dry lips?

El chapostick

My wife tried to be s**... by biting her lips at me...

...I didn't have the heart to tell her that you're supposed to bite your *bottom* lips

First time bungee jumping...

ME: [l**... lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: Don't lick my lips again.

Lips joke, First time bungee jumping...

jokes about lips