The Best 71 Lips Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Lips jokes. There are some lips labia jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these lips smoothest puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Lips Jokes and Puns

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Young love... sort of...

Once when I was at kindergarten, there was this girl I really liked. When she came in the next day, I kissed her on the cheek.
The next day, I kissed her on the lips. The next day, I put my hand under her shirt. And the next day, I put both my hands up her shirt.
Eventually she told her parents.Needless to say, that was the end of my teaching career.

Lips joke, Young love... sort of...

A middle school in Oregon

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and scrubbed the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Joey the altar boy goes to confession and says...

‎'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'


How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

Lips joke, Irish and Muslim on a plane

Lipstick Girls

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

A kid goes to church to confess...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

Did you hear about the terrorist who was sent to blow up a car?

Well, he burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

A misunderstanding

A girl is driving down the highway listening to the radio when a song comes on that she really, really likes. The DJ says the name of that song was "Hot lips and tender kisses." The girl says to herself I've got to buy that record. She pulls over and looks up the phone number for the nearest record store. She dials the number but makes a mistake while dialing and instead of calling a record store she has called an auto mechanic. The phone rings and the mechanic picks up the phone. The girl says, excitedly, "Do you have hot lips and tender kisses?" The mechanic is a little confused, but responds, "No, but I've got hot pants and seven inches." The girl responds, "Is that a record?" The mechanic says, "No, but it's better than average."

You can explore lips brows reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean lips gently dad jokes. There are also lips puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why can't you hear a dog whistle?

Because they have a hard time puckering their lips the right way.

Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline?

Because their lips have so many chaps on them!

Kiss The Mirror

A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.

The problem with kissing a perfect 10

Is how cold the mirror feels on your lips.

What goes "Ooooooooooo!"?

A cow with no lips.

Lips joke, What goes "Ooooooooooo!"?

Two vampires...

Two vampires are sitting on a bench. On a given moment, one of them says "I gotta go! Time to get some blood!"

Only 30 seconds later he's back with blood hanging all over his lips and teeth so his friend asks "That was fast! What'd you do?"

"Well, do you see that lamppost over there?"

"Yes...?"

"I didn't!"

I went to see a topless ventriloquist last night.

She was amazing, I never saw her lips moving once.

What's better than roses on your piano?

Two lips on your organ.


Being kissed by a llama isn't the end of the world

The way some people go on about it, you'd think they were talking about the alpaca lips

I think I'm about to be molested by an alpaca...

Today some guy on the street kept screaming at me to "be ready for the alpaca lips"

I went to see a Topless Ventriloquist last weekend.

She was awesome. I didn't see her lips move once.

The Priest and the Altar Boy

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body

One guy said, "18."

A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"

Another guy said, "12."

The French guy piped up again, "119!"

A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"

The French guy shouted, "120!"

How can you tell when Clinton is lying?

Her lips are moving.

Yeah, it's an old joke but then again, so is she.

How did Helen Keller discover masturbation?

Trying to read her own lips.

What's the worst part about making out with a perfect 10?

The cold feeling on your lips when you realize you're kissing the mirror

What profession is it important to know how to read lips?

A gynecologist.

Why do hipsters burn their lips when they drink tea?

Because they drink it before it's cool.

New Sex Position called Raging bull... [NSFW]

1st get your girl in doggy style and slide in real deep.
Now lean forward and wrap your arms around her real deep.
Now here's the bull part, bring your lips near her ear and whisper another girl's name and see how long you can stay on. Good luck.

What happened to the Irishman who tried to blow up a school bus?

He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

Ever heard of the blind gynecologist?

He could read lips

My mate told me yesterday that he's started dating twins!

I asked how he could tell which one is which.

He said, 'Well, Andrea is really, really attractive - she has long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and plump red lips. Plus she's got a really nice body. Pretty much a perfect ten.

And Brian has a cock.'

How do skeletons kiss

Skeletons don't have lips, they just bone.

A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.

"What?" says the woman.

Wife was in ICU

Doctor: She is in a coma.

Husband: Please save her. She's just 30.

*Just then, ECG starts beeping. Fingers move. Her lips mumbled...

And she spoke:
I'm 29

Q: Why don't women wear dresses in the winter?

A: They could get chapped lips!

What does a cow with no lips say?

OOOOOOOOO

Wanna know the best part about making out with a perfect 10?

The cold feel of the mirror on your lips.

Why do girls never wear skirts when it's cold?

Because their lips get chapped.

This kid walked up to me and called me gay..

I couldn't believe it. I wanted to punch this kid directly in the mouth. With my lips. Softly.

Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?

Chapped lips

An Irish man and a Mormon sat next to each other on a plane.

The flight attendant comes and asks the Irish man if he wants a drink. He asks for a whiskey and the drink is promptly placed in front of him.

The flight attendant asks the Mormon:

"Do you want an alcoholic drink too?"

The Mormon responds:

"I would rather be assaulted by a dozen whores than have alcohol touch my lips."

The Irish man interrupts saying:

"In that case take my drink back. I didn't know we had a choice."

Some people enjoy roses on their piano....

.... but I prefer two lips on my organ.

What crime is committed when you drink a glass of ice water, but use your lips to keep the ice from leaving the glass, only to let the water through?

Obstruction of just ice.

My first time bungee jumping.

*Licks lips nervously*

Me: This is my first time bungee jumping.

Instructor: Can you please stop licking my lips.

I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife. Get your lips off my wife,

I snapped pulling him off her. But sir, I'm not kissing her! He pleaded. She's stopped breathing.

Do I need to repeat myself?

What happened to the man who tried to blow up a bus?

What happened to the man who tried to blow up a bus? He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

The problem with kissing a perfect 10 is that

Sometimes it's cold when your lips touch the mirror

How do you make a gingerbread man's bed?

With a cookie sheet.

Direct from the lips of my 4yo daughter. I almost died laughing. I was expecting something ridiculous.

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.

Did you hear about the deaf gynecologist?

He had to read lips.

My wife tried to be sexy by biting her lips at me...

...I didn't have the heart to tell her that you're supposed to bite your *bottom* lips

Why do deaf people make the best gynecologists?

Because they're good at reading lips.

First time bungee jumping...

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.

INSTRUCTOR: Don't lick my lips again.

Did you know:

Men think a lot because they have two heads

And women talk a lot because they have four lips

Even though my girlfriend is addicted to meth, I still love her.

She's so beautiful. Those lips, those eyes, that tooth.

How do you know if a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

An Irishman and a mormon sat next to each other on a plane.

The irishman immediately asked the stewardess for a whiskey. The stewardess served him his whiskey and asked the mormon if he would like a drink too.
The mormon replied that he would rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch his lips.
The irishman hurriedly handed back his whiskey and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.

Instructor: don't lick my lips again.

What does a deaf gynecologist do?

Read lips.

Burned my lips kissing my vehicle on a hot summer day.

Kar-muah is a bitch.

How did the hipster burn his lips?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

I feel so bad for the deaf people who need to read lips to communicate, because of all of the face masks right now.

Let's give them all a moment of silence.

Why do deaf guys like upskirt??

Because they can read lips.

I once met a girl who confused a tube of KY Jelly with super glue

I asked her how it happened, but sadly her lips were sealed.

What has 4 legs and goes AAaaah?

A sheep with no lips

Can you beat my top 3 Polish jokes?

>What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name

>Did you hear about the Polish carpool?

They meet at work in the morning

>Did you heal about the Polish terrorist that tried to blow up the bus?

He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe

An Irishman and a Mormon are seated next to each other on a plane...

The flight attendant asks if they'd like anything to drink. The Irishman says I'll have a double shot of Jameson, and one for my new friend here.

No no no, says the Mormon. I would rather be sodomized by a dozen disease-infested whores than to let alcohol touch my lips.

The flight attendant blushes and turns away before the Irishman interjects, forget the whiskey—I didn't realize that was an option.

If I'm reading their lips correctly,

my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

You know why ladies don't wear mini skirts in the winter?

Cause they'll get chapped lips

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the lips caress jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working lips lip piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes