The Best 41 Linguist Jokes

I shared a shuttle ride today with a linguist heading to Turkey to study Tuva throat singers. (No joke!) I was reminded of this joke: Two linguists were walking down the street. Which one was the expert in contextually-indicated deixis and anaphoric reference resolution strategies?

The other one.

A linguistics professor is giving a lecture...

She says "Only in few languages, like Russian do two negatives make a positive, but there is not a single language known where two positives make a negative"
A witty student shouts back "yeah right! "

What's the best way to get a Punjab in India?

Hire a cunning linguist.

I took a girl home last night after telling her I was good with my mouth...

We stayed up all night chatting, she eventually stormed off and I'm not sure why, maybe she doesn't think I'm the cunning linguist I claimed after all?

A feminist and a linguist walk into a bar

They sit down and begin a conversation.

The linguist asks, "Do you have any siblings?"

The feminist replies, "Yes, I have a sister. I'm very close with she."

The linguist, confused, tries to correct her. "Don't you mean 'with her'?"

The feminist is outraged and screams, "Stop objectifying women!"

A philosopher, a linguist, and a physicist were asked, "Which of your three fields is the most useful?"

The philosopher said, "What do we mean when we use the word 'useful'?"

The linguist said, "What do *you* mean when you use the word 'useful'?"

The physicist laughed and said, "The answer can be inferred by the uselessness of the other answers."

What do you call an American linguist, philosopher, cognitive scientist, logician, political commentator, social justice activist, and anarcho-syndicalist advocate who doesn't eat ham?

NO-HAM CHOMPSKY

What do you call someone who is skilled with their mouth?

A cunning linguist.

Linguistics Student: "What's a glottal fricative?"

"*Heavy sigh*"

The silver-tongued lover can always make a woman blush...

... because they're a practiced, cunning linguist.

What do you call the UN translator who quit his job to pursue his dream of becoming a hot dog eating champion?

A cunning linguist who became a professional masticator.

A linguistics professor is lecturing his class

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

What is the linguistic description of sentences like 'ho ho ho' and 'merry Christmas'?

They are both santa clauses.

I've only ever met one genius writer who could please a woman.

He was a real cunning linguist.

I became a Musician instead of a Linguist because

I prefer G strings to Dipthongs.

Why should you date a guy who speaks multiple languages?

Because he's a cunning linguist.

I'm no linguist, but all Germans really appreciate memes.

They always say 'feeling dank'

Where does a linguist keep their belongings?

In their genitive case

What do you call a world renowned linguist?

A figure of speech.

A philosopher says to a linguist...

A philosopher says to a linguist What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes? The linguist replied, They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.

I was hit on by a linguist the other day

She asked me to conjugate, but I had to decline.

Have you heard that the juridprodence fetisist got off on a technicallity?

He was defending a case belonging to the estate of a New York Times Award Winning author, he really was a cunning linguist.

If Danny Rand learned Chinese at the monastery...

Does that make him a K'un-Lun Linguist?

Teach a man to fish, and he will have food for a lifetime...

but teach a man to ghoti, and he will end up becoming a linguist.

You hear about the new super hero that is also a politician?

He can communicate in every language..

He is..

The Cunning Linguist

How did the linguistics professor punish the late student?

He gave him a harsh sentence.

My friend is a huge hit with the ladies, he is very well spoken.

I this it's because he's a cunning linguist.

How many linguists does it take to screw in a light blub?

Eating your family is wrong, but eating your wife isn't.

This sounds wrong, but I'm no cunning linguist.

What do you call a man that can blow a woman's mind with just his tongue?

A cunning linguist

What did the Japanese linguist say when he had pumped and dumped a girl?

Here-a-Gone-a

What is a linguists favorite cereal?

Synonym toast crunch.

If you have ever heard Trump's grammar while he speaks

You'd know that he's no cunning linguist.

A linguistics professor says

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

I asked a linguist, "I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?"

"For starters," she said, "the h is silent."

I wasted my life

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

A linguistics professor says during a lecture...

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

You may be a master debater...

But I'm a cunning linguist.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."