The Best 67 Lines Jokes

Following is our collection of Lines jokes which are very funny. There are some lines break up lines jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these lines queue puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Lines Jokes and Puns

Why do North Koreans draw lines so well?

They have a Supreme Ruler.

Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)

Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied Ya, well I sew women's underpants. He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.

Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied Diesel fitter. He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.

After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole's check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole's was. The manager told him, Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.

Sven's anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says Ya, diesel fitter. What has that got to do with engines?

The man says to the bartender...

"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"

Lines joke, The man says to the bartender...

A Fishing Tale


On the shore of the Indian Ocean a raggedy Indian fisherman lay dozing with a hat over his face. Beside him two fishing lines were stuck into the sand.

Up comes an American.

'What are you sleeping for?' says the American. 'You'd be better off catching fish.'

'What for?' asks the fisherman.

'What do you mean, what for? You'd catch some fish, you'd sell them and with the money you'd buy yourself a trawler.

The trawler would catch even more fish. You'd sell it and buy yourself an even bigger boat. You'd catch still more fish. You'd sell it.

Then you'd build yourself a fish processing factory . . . and get rich.

And then you could lie on the beach and sleep.'

The fisherman pulled his hat even further down over his face.

'But that's what I'm doing now.'

Jesus vs Satan

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."


Apple employee pick-up lines.

"Are you a play button? Because I'd zero-length swipe that."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...

The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.

The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."

The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"

The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette then unties her bondage and escapes. The redhead spy sees this and comes up with her own plan. The firing squad returns to kill the remaining two spies.

The general orders again, "Ready. Aim."

The redhead spy then shouts, "EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE!"

The enemy takes cover from the earthquake. The redhead spy then unties her bondage and escapes. The blonde spy is no dumby she gets an idea of her own. The firing squad returns to kill the last remaining spy.

The general orders once more, "Ready. Aim."

The blonde spy ready to run yells, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"

Lines joke, A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...

So a guy walks into a bar...

and says to the bartender "Give me 12 shots of your most expensive Tequila!" The bartender pours the shots and lines them up. The guy starts shooting them back wicked fast, one right after another. The bartender says in shock "Why are you drinking those so fast?!" The guy stops long enough to get out a few words "you would drink these fast too, if you had what I have" Confused, the bartender asks "why? what do you have?"
The guy says "About four dollars"

I want to work for YouTube.

It sounds so easy! All you have to do is remove a few lines of code everyday!

I'm dressing up as a (dead) hooker for Halloween...what are some lines you NEVER want to hear a hooker say?

For example, "I just need to put some ointment on my herpes, and then we are good to go."

I know, I'm terrible at this! Please help!

Dumb joke I thought of while bored at work.

Why is working at Amazon warehouse like being a coke addict?

You spend 10 hours a day doing nothing but clearing lines.

You can explore lines chat up lines reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean lines fairway dad jokes. There are also lines puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Have you heard about the corduroy pillows?

They're making head lines.

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...

The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving."

After sitting in the dark for a while, Gorbachev breaks the silence and says "Hey, any of you guys wanna pick up some McDonalds?"

Who was the naughtiest character in Star Wars?

R2D2. All of his lines are bleeped out.

They say it's inoperable...

A guy walks into a bar and orders seven shots of whiskey. The bartender lines up the seven shots and the man starts slamming them one after another. The bartender says "You sure are drinking those awfully fast."

The man responds "You'd be drinking them this fast if you had what I have."

In an empathetic tone the bartender asks "What do you have?"

"Fifteen cents"

As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed...

As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

"Is that how many men you've slept with?", I asked.

"Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven."

Lines joke, As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed...

Why do french tanks have rear mirrors?

So they can also see the front lines.

Parallel lines have got so much in common.

It's a shame they'll never get to meet.

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.


All Men Go to Heaven...

...and upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells the recently departed to form two lines: one for the 'man of the house'; and a second for those obedient and dutiful to their wives. The first line had only 1 man standing in it, while the second line was miles long.

St. Peter turns to the one man standing in the first line and asks, "Man, how did you end up in this line?!"

To which the man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Yo mama so fat....

pickup lines don't work on her.

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
"Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said.
"I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great."
"Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stuff appeared. They both had a great party but suddenly the effect of these drugs ended.
"What is your second wish?" - genie asked
"I want another two lines of the best stuff on the world."
Another two lines appeared and they both were on high again. When the effect ended, Genie asked: "And your third wish?".
"Two lines of the best stuff on the world again."
Two lines appeared again and they were on high. When the effect ended, the genie appeared again:
"So, my friend, what is your fourth wish?"

(Since bad pickup lines seem to be the trend right now) Do you want to play barbies?

I'll be Ken, and you be the box he came in

Best lines when dealing with telemarketers

Some of the better ones

* City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
* Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
* Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
* Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
* Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you rape 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us

Anyone have more?

Two parallel lines match on tinder

But they never meet!

I'm into perpendicular lines.

I'm a bisectual

A vulture carrying two dead squirrels lines up to board a plane

And the flight attendant says to him, "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we only allow one carrion."

ilove my family...

For his birthday, I gave my son an iPhone.

My daughter received an iPod for hers.

For my birthday, I was pleased to receive an iPad.

My mother was given an iMac for her birthday.

Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon. And that's when the fight started…

An old man is dying..

His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

A man walks into a bar...

And he immediately orders 7 shots and a beer for a chaser. The bartender lines up the seven shots and goes to get the beer. When the bartender returned, all 7 shots were gone!

The bartender says, "Wow, you sure drank those shots fast!"

The man says, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."

"What do you have?" Asks the bartender.

Then man reaches in his pocket and slaps his hand on the bar and exclaims, "Fifty cents!"

There once was a man from Peru

Whose limerick was three lines too few.

My true love and I are like parallel lines.

We will never meet and I will die alone.

I like my pick-up lines how I like my cheetos

Dangerously Cheesy

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

Punch lines are extremely one-dimensional

Punch areas and punch volumes have more depth.

There was three pilots...

Three WW2 pilots were shot down behind enemy lines and captured. They were sent to a POW camp to be executed. They were lined up and the firing squad said "Ready, aim" and then the first pilot screamd
"Tornado" then the soldiers ran for cover. When thay found no tornado they lined back up.
"Ready aim" Then the second screeched "Bombing run" then the soldiers ran for cover. They then lined up again. "Ready aim" Then the third pilot knew what to do and screamed "FIRE".

I was always told to "think outside the box" and to "color inside the lines."

Now I'm a gay racist.

A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.

What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

A rook moves in straight lines and a bishop has sex with young boys.

In limerick's a neat way to write...

In limerick's a neat way to write.

One can enjoy it most all day and night.

It's easy and fun,

a few lines and you're done.

I hope I can learn how to write one some day.

An Irishman walks into a bar.....

Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.

The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.

When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.

The barman says: Wow! You sure drank those fast.

Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.

The barman asks: What do you have?

The guy reaches into his pocket and says: Fifty cents!

A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...

After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.

Out of soup. says the officer in charge and waves him aside.

The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.

The officer motions to the guards and they wrestle the ranting man away. As they shove him outside, one says to the man:

Back then we could've shot you in the snow, comrade.

The man goes back home to his wife. She sees him looking glum as he walks in and asks:

Ran out of soup again?

Even worse, he replied. They ran out of bullets.

8 year old boy came home excitedly, telling his dad that a school play is gonna be held next month

Dad: that's great! What role did you get?

Son: I'll be the husband!

Dad: (*sigh*) tell your teacher tomorrow to give you a different role with more lines.

Two men are standing in line in Russia

One says to the other "What is this line for?"

"Toilet paper" his friend replies.

"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."

He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"

"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"

I can't place iron objects next to each other...

I'm allergic to Fe lines.

A parachutist is plummeting to Earth

Because her ripcord malfunctioned.

As she frantically pulls at the defective cord, she passes a man atop a stove traveling the opposite way.

She yells out to him, Hey, do you know how to fix a parachute!?

He replies back No! Do you know anything about repairing gas lines??

Mafia Boss: I want the brake lines of this guy's car to be rusting.

Chemist: I'm listening.

Mafia Boss: But make sure..it looks like an oxidant.

I was reading a book on cocaine addiction the other day

After the first few lines I was hooked.

Why did The White Stripes chose that name?

Because calling themselves Cocaine Lines was too on the nose.

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler

If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it "Auto-Correct".

Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines...

The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.

I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?

Yes, she replied, but I wasn't willing to pay.

Spy

A spy is getting instructions for his mission: You will parachute in a field behind the enemy lines. By the field there is a shack by a road. Behind the shack there is bicycle. Ride the bicycle 10 miles north and you will be in a village where you will meet your contact at the local tavern. He will give further information.

That evening the spy is dropped from the airplane. The parachute doesn't open. The spy complains: I bet there is no bicycle either .

Do you know why there weren't any jokes at Jonestown?

.....the punch lines were too long.

Did you hear about the new Disney FastPass?

Skip the lines, go straight to the ICU

Dave: I'm making a documentary about my life.

Dave: And, I think you should play the role of my father.

Friend: I don't want to be your father.

Dave: Perfect, you already know your lines.

Why do French military vehicles have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the front lines

Two friends were in jail

The first started writing lines on the wall so they know for how long they've been there. The other one says: Hey, don't write on the wall, they'll kick us out

I forgot to take my phone to the toilet

There are 1325 vertical and 975 horizontal lines on the tiles.

You and your soulmate are like two parallel lines.

You have so much in common.

It's a shame you'll never meet.

What happens when you park your car 6.28 feet over the lines?

It gets tau'd.

Failed Pick-Up Lines:

I wish you were my big toe.

Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house..

I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays.

He's got sweet carol lines.

Why are lines in North Korea so straight?

Because they have a supreme ruler

A tesseract tells itself a joke

Have you heard the one about the dot walking into a bar and telling 2 lines about a plane? ... It went right over their heads.

As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

Is that how many men you've slept with? , I asked.

Yes , she replied, One thousand, one hundred and eleven.

Since COVID, dating has been difficult

and the pickup lines have only gotten longer

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the lines liners jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working lines hotlines piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes