A receding heir line...
A receding hare line.
Me: You pick.
Her: You pick.
Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.
Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells "FIRE!"
There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.
The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11
For the watch
Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting.
- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.
She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.
but April identifying as January is crossing the line.
Only a fraction of you will get this
Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
the line at KFC
People would wait days in line for a single piece
"Hello."
His poems weren't always first rate,
His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,
Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.
Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.
A man at a party wants to grab some punch, so he walks to the punch line.
In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.
The mechanical engineer says: "lets check the carborator, it's probably the carborator"
The chemical engineer says: "its most likely the gas line, lets check that"
The electrical engineer says: "no, it has to be the car's circuts"
The computer scientist thinks for a minute and says: "lets all get out of the car and get back in"
...a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, very serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctors there already."
A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:
C Z Y N Q S T A S Z
The Optometrist asks „Can you read this?
„Read it? , the Pole replies, „I know the guy!
The punch line
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
People would stand in line for days just to get a piece of it.
He arrives at the Pearly Gates and he sees two signs. The first sign reads, "MEN WHO CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". The old man looks and sees that this line is about 10 miles long. So the old man looks at the second sign. It reads "MEN WHO WERE NOT CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". There's only one guy in this line. Slowly the old man walks over to him, "Tell me, why are you standing over here?". The guy looks at him and says "I don't know, my wife told me to."
After looking at the syllabus for their next lesson on graphing, Jimmy approached his teacher with a stern look on his face and said, I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!
When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.
So here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.
Pasteurization.
Only a fraction of people will think this is funny, though.
Yesterday, a hot girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie
She asked, "What would you like to see?"
I said, "You pick".
She said, "You pick".
I said, "I don't care, you pick".
She said, "Sir, there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets."
And the old woman in front of me asked me to help her check her balance..
So I pushed her over
Who won the first Tour de France?
The 6th Panzer division.
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
To see the front line.
How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows.
..and she says yes. Overexcited, he is told he must show up with a limo and a tuxedo. So he goes to the limo rental and waits in the limo line, and he gets the limo. Then, he goes to the tuxedo rental and waits in the tuxedo line. Finally, the big day comes, and he brings his date to prom. She asks him to get some punch. He goes over to get some punch, and realizes there is no punch line.
My girlfriend is so smart. I called her from my friends phone and she said "what's up honey?". She already knew I was on the other side of the line ;)
"May I push your stool in."
I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.
"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.
I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:
"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."
During their get together ,the host ask the other two :
- How do you split your money with the Lord ?
"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.
The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .
"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.
I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
The guy sitting next to him says, Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967.
I'm sorry to hear that, says the first man. Couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?
Nope, replies the second guy. Everyone's at the funeral.
I've got to make every second count
The bartender says, "Pal, If you want punch, you'll have to go stand in line."
The guys looks around, but there is no punch line.
Before he died, he scribbled me a note. They were his last words. I decided not to open it till I was ready. A year later, I opened it and this is what is said, "You are stepping on my oxygen line".
They start at the Norwegian line and end up at the Finnish line.
I asked him: "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"
He said: "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee.
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".
Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?"
I said, "Sem Ting".
She slams her hand down on the counter and demands the teller's attention.
"My stock," she says, "yesterday was worth one hundred dollar a share! Now is ninety five! Why? You try to rip me off?"
The teller smiles and says "No ma'am. Fluctuations."
The lady's face turns a bright shade of crimson and she screams "We'll fluc you white people too!"
It connected me to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I felt suicidal and they asked if I could drive a truck.
Because you made me rock hard
Cleaning the gene pool since 2017.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples
I'm not offended by taco jokes or fiesta jokes. But Immigration jokes?
They cross the line.
Whose Line is it Anyway
It bothers me more than it should when people put the first line of the joke in the title then repeat it in the body of the post.
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
Terminal Illness
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