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Lincoln Jokes

171 lincoln jokes and hilarious lincoln puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lincoln that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Get a laugh out of some of the best jokes featuring influential figures like Lincoln, Nixon, Kennedy, and the Lincoln car, theater, log, and movie. Dive in and explore the world of presidential humor with these classic gags and the famous Lincoln Douglas debate.

Funniest Lincoln Short Jokes

Short lincoln jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lincoln humour may include short president jokes also.

  1. Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
  2. My dad's joke was you know, I was named after Abraham Lincoln. (person is confused since his name was Jim.) He then responds, We'll, I wasn't named before him!
  3. Civil War spoilers Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.
  4. NBC is planning a sitcom about the life of Abe Lincoln. Shot in front of a live studio audience.
  5. If Abraham Lincoln was alive today... He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.
  6. I was named after Abraham Lincoln. People get confused because my name is Kyle Blankinship.
    But like I said, I was named after Abraham Lincoln; Not before..
  7. What do Abraham Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common? Both were shot before a live audience.
  8. Netflix is coming up with a new series about Abraham Lincoln. The finale…will be shot before a live audience.
  9. My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, "What would the world be like without theater?" One of her students replied, "Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer."
  10. Did you hear about the new Abraham Lincoln sitcom on ABC? Shot in front of a live studio audience.

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Lincoln One Liners

Which lincoln one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lincoln? I can suggest the ones about assassination and abraham lincoln.

  1. Which president is least guilty? Abraham Lincoln. He is in a cent
  2. If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for? Old age
  3. JFK, Ab. lincoln, & martin luther king jr walks into a bar They get a few shots
  4. Do you know which president has the cleanest record Lincoln, he was in a cent
  5. Why were Lincoln and kennedy such good presidents? They were open-minded
  6. What did Abraham Lincoln say after a three-day drinking spree? "I freed the what?"
  7. Did you know 50% of Asians in America have cataracts? The other half drive Lincolns
  8. What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was falesly accused of a crime? "I'm in a cent"
  9. Why was Abraham Lincoln never impeached? Because he is in-a-cent.
  10. Why are there not many films about Abraham Lincoln? He doesn't do well in theaters.
  11. I heard Lincoln is doing well in theaters Traditionally, this has not been true.
  12. "Never trust an actor with a gun" said Abraham Lincoln
  13. Which president was the most logical? Lincoln. He made the most cents.
  14. An oldie for my first cakeday. Aside from that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
  15. Who were the two most open minded presidents? Abraham Lincoln and JFK...

Abraham Lincoln Jokes

Here is a list of funny abraham lincoln jokes and even better abraham lincoln puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What would Abraham Lincoln say if he found out there was a movie about him slaying vampires? What's a movie?
  • The police break into Abraham Lincolns house... When they find him, he says "Don't arrest me, I'm in a cent!"
  • I think if Abraham Lincoln were alive today... He would probably look around, scream, and then desperately claw at the inside of his coffin.
  • All of these presidents are so corrupted Except for Abraham Lincoln, he was in a cent.
  • A week before Abraham Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland... A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.
  • Why didn't the cops ever charge Abraham Lincoln? Because he was always in a cent.
  • NBC is making a new documentary series on the life of Abraham Lincoln. The finale will be shot in front of a live audience.
  • When I was 22 I lived a life of crime. I'm 29 now, but back then I would dress up as Abraham Lincoln and rob convenience stores.
    I robbed four stores seven years ago.
  • Who has freed more black people than Abraham Lincoln? Maury
  • If Abraham Lincoln were alive right now, he'd probably say... ...why is it so dark in here?

Abe Lincoln Jokes

Here is a list of funny abe lincoln jokes and even better abe lincoln puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I have a spreadsheet of all the Abe Lincoln reposts. I call them my Lincoln logs.
  • JFK and Abe Lincoln were two of the greatest president of all history. I think it's because they were so Open Minded.
  • why did abe lincoln get released from prison? because he's in a cent
  • What did Abe Lincoln say after a night of drinking? "I set WHO free?"
  • What did Abe Lincoln say when he was arrested? I'm-in-a-cent!
  • I heard Abe Lincoln was having a fine old time at Ford's Theater... that is until he asked John Wilkes Booth for a headshot.
  • Why did Abe Lincoln and Stephen Douglas get thrown out of the church? Because they were caught mass debating in the bathroom.
  • What did the cherry tree say to Abe Lincoln? Don't axe me!
    I read that on a bubble gum wrapper.
  • How do you Abe Lincoln never committed a crime Because he's In-a-cent
  • What do Maple Leaf players have in common with Abe Lincoln? They can't finish a play.
Lincoln joke, What do Maple Leaf players have in common with Abe Lincoln?

Lincoln Theater Jokes

Here is a list of funny lincoln theater jokes and even better lincoln theater puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • "Lincoln" grossed $275,000,000 in movie theaters Which is ironic since historically Lincoln doesn't do too well in theaters
  • What did Lincoln say about his experience at Ford theater? He said it was mind blowing.
  • I visited ford's theater on vacation Is it wrong that I got a Lincoln shot glass from the gift shop?
  • Two guys famous for having been shot in theaters . . . . . . Abraham Lincoln, and the guy sitting in front of Peewee Herman
  • "The Theater must always be a safe and special place" - Abe Lincoln

Lincoln Log Jokes

Here is a list of funny lincoln log jokes and even better lincoln log puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you know that the 16th presidency had the best records kept? I think they were called the Lincoln Logs.
  • I keep a spreadsheet of every time Abraham Lincoln is mentioned on Reddit. I call it my Lincoln Logs
  • What did Abraham Lincoln names his wiener? The Lincoln Log!
  • Who doesn't like lincoln logs john wilkes blocks
  • When Chuck Norris was a kid he didn't play with Lincoln Logs, he built real houses.
  • When Chuck Norris was a child, he would play with real logs instead of Lincoln logs.
  • Did you know the Smithsonian is trying to open a new exhibit on preserved presidential f**...? They are still looking for the famed Lincoln log.
  • What do you call the Asian version of Lincoln logs c**...-en logs

Lincoln Car Jokes

Here is a list of funny lincoln car jokes and even better lincoln car puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What octane gas would Abraham Lincoln put in a car? Four Score and Seven
  • Why can't Abraham Lincoln drive a car? ...cause he's dead.
Lincoln joke, Why can't Abraham Lincoln drive a car?

Playful Lincoln Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group

What funny jokes about lincoln you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lincoln theater jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lincoln pranks.

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."


He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

My two favorite presidents are Jefferson and Lincoln

The respective "Hit it and Quit it" of American slavery

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he heard there's a movie about him hunting vampires?

"What the f**...'s a movie..."

My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln

As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."

What do Abraham Lincoln and Ryan Fitzpatrick have in common?

Neither of them can finish a play

The Costume Party

The local pub once held a costume party. The bartender announced to the patrons that they must all come dressed up as their "love life". Sure enough, the day of the party arrives and the bartender spots some old g**... dressed as Abraham Lincoln. He says "Oi, mate. You were supposed to come dressed up as your love life!"
With a shrug and a sly grin the other man says "Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."

There was one similarity between Lincoln and Kennedy's assassination that everyone overlooked...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe

What do Abraham Lincoln and Peyton Manning have in common?

Neither can finish a play.

So a c**... goes to the eye doctor

and after giving a check up, the doctor says, "I see what the problem is: you have a cataract."
"No I don't," the c**... responds, "I drive a Lincoln Continental."

Blonde interviews to be a policeman

A blonde goes to an interview to be a police officer. The interview goes well until the interviewer asks some general knowledge questions. She does ok on the first few, until she is asked, " who shot Abraham Lincoln?"
She tells the interviewer she doesn't know, and he tells her to go home and work on the answer. Her mom calls her later and asks how the interview went.
She tells her mom, "great, they already have me working on a case"

What do George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln have in common?

They were the last three white guys with those last names.

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.

---
Credit goes to the play: The Complete History of America: Abridged

"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"

Abraham Lincoln was better at finishing plays than the Seahawks.

Internet Explorer is actually my favorite browser..

To download other browsers with
Abraham Lincoln, 1863
-Morgan Freeman

Which US president is most responsible for unemployment in the US today?

Abraham Lincoln.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

-Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Thomas Jefferson

Why didn't Abraham Lincoln go to jail?

Because he was in-a-cent!

So a teacher was lecturing his student...

Teacher: Billy! You have failed your tests again, When Lincoln was your age he was the top student in his class!
Billy: Yeah, but when he was your age he was President of the US already.

Matthew McMonaughey's Lincoln doesn't make left turns...

It just goes all right, all right, all right.

Abraham Lincoln.

The reason I now have to hire a dishwasher instead of buying one.

[SPOILER] Ending of Civil War.

Lincoln gets killed at the end.

I'm a huge fan of politically incorrect jokes.

Listen to this absolute classic: Abraham Lincoln was never president !

I saw a guy wearing a stovepipe hat the other day...

...so I said, "Hey! Abraham Lincoln called and he wants..." Then I realized, they didn't have phones in the mid 1800s.

I'm a little sick and tired of people always saying that at one time or another, every single American president is guilty of something...

I mean, what about Lincoln?! After all, he's in a cent...

A new source of electricity is found!

Lincoln is is infinitely rolling in his grave right now.
We can use that somehow.

So I was talking to Abrham Lincoln

And I asked him, "what are you doing tonight?".
He said, "My wife's dragging me to a play somebody please kill me."

Dad: When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked miles to school, uphill, in the snow, every day.

Son: Yeah?! Well when Abraham Lincoln was your age, Dad, he was president!

How come Abraham Lincoln never went to jail?

Because he was in a cent

Apparently Abraham Lincoln kept extremely detailed records of every single tree he cut down, detailing the type of tree, dimensions, even the location where it was cut, and more.

They're called the Lincoln Logs.

TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime

Because he's innocent.

In an effort to inspire his young son who did not want to go to school, his father told him :

"When Abraham Lincoln was your age he used to walk miles for the privilege of going to school."
The young boy thought for a moment and responded,
"Yes, but when he was your age he was President of the United States."

A man is invited to a costume party...

where the theme is to come as something or someone that represents your s**... life. After thinking a little, he finally comes up with the perfect costume!
As he enters the party, the host comes up to ask him about his costume.
"I'm curious, how does Abraham Lincoln represent your s**... life?"
"Easy," he replies. "My last four scores were seven years ago!"

Abraham Lincoln walks out in his garden in heaven and sees his neighbor in his own garden

Abraham: "Your grass is getting long, shouldn't you cut it?"
Neighbor: "Yeah... You know, I used to have people for that..."

Donald Trump went to sleep.

He was dreaming and he saw Abraham Lincoln. He asked him what is the best way for him to serve the country. Abraham Lincoln then said "go see a play".

A man dies and goes to heaven...

He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

A Chinese man goes to an optometrist complaining of blurriness in one eye

The optometrist examines him and says "You have a cataract."
To which the Chinese man replies "Noh, I drive Lincoln Coninenal."

Lincoln Navigator

I watched a guy in a Lincoln Navigator attempt to park in a busy restaurant parking lot. It took a friend to get out and direct him in order to wiggle into a spot. Afterwards he said to me, "now I know why they call it a navigator. It fu@*ing takes one to park it".

Did you know Abraham Lincoln was jewish?

He was shot in the temple

Doctors are reporting a new disease affecting commuters in New York.

It only appears to be affecting drivers traveling in groups through the Lincoln Holland Tunnels. The symptoms are pain in the hands and wrists.
Doctors are calling it Car Pool Tunnel syndrome.

Who is the most innocent president?

Lincoln, as he was in a cent.

What did the feminist s**... say to Lincoln?

I don't need you to MANcipate me.

Abraham Lincoln could never call himself a republican today.

Because he was murdered while watching a play in 1865.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Son: "I don't want to walk to school tomorrow, dad!" Dad: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age son, he had to walk 12 miles each day to get to school!" Son: "Well dad..."

"...when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president!"

Who is my dog's favorite president?

Bark Obam—
NO. THAT IS NOT EVEN A PRESIDENT, STEVE. MY FAVORITE IS ABRAHAM LINCOLN. TELL THEM.
But then it won't be funny.
STEVE.
...my dog's favorite president is Abraham Lincoln.

A teacher asked in a class full of blondes who killed Abraham Lincoln

A student said It wasn't me
Second blonde said I was absent yesterday
Another blonde I couldn't kill a fly and you ask me if I killed a human being
The teacher frustratingly left the classroom and head to the principal,whose happen to be blonde.
She heard the story and went to the class.
She left the classroom and asked the teacher are you sure the killer in this class?

So, Mr Lincoln, what do you have to say about your drunken spree?

Well, four shots and seven beers ago...

Racist joke I heard from The Sopranos

A Chinese man walks into the eye doctors
The doctor said I know why you have trouble seeing, you have a cataract.
The Chinese man said No, I drive a Lincoln.

What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?

The Spaghetties-burg Address.

Don't believe everything you see on internet just because there is a famous person's name next to it.

-Abraham Lincoln

I often like to think that if Abraham Lincoln was around today...

He'd probably be the oldest person alive.

Lincoln joke, I often like to think that if Abraham Lincoln was around today...

jokes about lincoln