limit Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious limit puns

Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?

"NASA: The Sky's The Limit"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

To the guy who's been tailgating me for the last half hour: Fuck you.

I'm already doing 20 mph over the speed limit.

 

Oh, and turn off those flashing lights on your roof, you look ridiculous.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the speed limit for sex?

Sixty-eight. At 69 you have to turn around.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the speed limit of sex?

68, because if you go 69 you'll flip over and eat it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid,

but my mom told me the sky is the limit.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was once driving down the road..

..where I read a sign which said,
Speed limit 30km
I slowed down to 30km/h
A little further, another one
Speed limit 20km
I had to slow down even more,
Moving on, I saw another one
Speed limit 10km
My speedometer had come down to 10km/h
Not long after that, there was another
Speed limit 1km
I pulled over and started pushing my car to a point where I finally saw the last sign,


Welcome to Speed Limit

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I heard that Fortnite put a limit of three outfits for players in Isreal.

Jews aren't allowed to have four skins.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cop pulls over a speeder

"Do you know how fast you were going?" the officer asks.

"130 km/h" the man answers

"why were you going 30 over the limit?" the cop asks, surprised the man admitted to speeding.

"I was keeping up with traffic!"

The officer looks up and down the road. "there's no other cars!"

"I know" says the man, "that's how far behind I am!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

They told me to drive it like I stole it

So I stayed at the speed limit, followed the road rules and paid attention to my surroundings

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My pubic hair trimming business will limit itself to female customers for the first few months.

I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the speed limit to sex?

68.

Once you go 69 you have to stop and turn around.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cop parks at the bottom of a bridge, waiting for a speeder. He pulls a man over for doing 40 over the speed limit, and says, "Son, I've been waiting for you all day."

The man quickly responds, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do they tell people who flunk out of astronaut academy?

"The sky's the limit for you".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?

There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Got pulled over while doing calculus in my car last night

Cop said I was deriving over the limit.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...

But graphing is where I draw the line!

 

 

 

 

 

Actually, graphing is fine, but calculus is my limit.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A warning to be careful about drunk driving..

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.

On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....

I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There were two men in a car going way over the speed limit...

A cop caught up with them and pulled them over. He walked up to the driver side window and asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The driver decided to play dumb and replied, "Gee, I was too busy concentrating on the road to check."

The cop, not in the mood for any attitude, slapped the driver hard across the head. He then moved around to the passenger side and gave the passenger a good hard slap across the head.

"Hey. What was that for? I didn`t do anything," exclaimed the passenger.

The cop replied,"I was just making your wish come true. You see, after you guys take off again, 500 metres down the road you would have said something like,"What an asshole. I wish he would have tried that with me" ".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway β€” Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"Speeding"

Tom is cruising down the highway way over the speed limit. Cop pulls him over.
"Sorry officer, guess the speedometer got away from me. Happens every time I get hammered and try to drive home."
"What?! You're intoxicated?"
"Well I needed a stiff drink after I shot that guy! It's okay though, I managed to fit the body in the trunk."
"Sir, keep your hands where I can see them. Give me your license and registration right now."
"Well I would but it's in the glove box where I threw the gun, it's still pretty bloody and I don't want it to fall out until it's dried."
"Do. Not. Move. I'm calling for back-up."
Back-up gets there. Second officer gets out, and says
"Sir, please open your trunk."
Tom opens it. Clean as a whistle.
"Please show me your glove box."
Tom opens it. Clean as a whistle, along with his license and registration.
"I'll need you to take a breathalyzer."
Tom blows a .00
"Well what's going on? This officer said you had a dead body in the trunk, a bloody gun in the glove box and were drunk."
Tom says,
"Ha, I bet he said I was speeding, too."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why was Game Of Thrones banned from twitter?

Because twitter has an 140 character limit.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cop pulls over 3 old ladies

A cop pulls over 3 old ladies doing 20 in a 65mph zone. The cop walks up to the window.

"How can I help you officer?"

"Did you realize you were doing 20 in a 65mph zone?"

"I thought we were doing the speed limit. It says so right there." The old woman pointed to a sign.

"Ma'am thats the sign saying you're on interstate 20." Just then the officer noticed the two women in back looked extremely frightened. "What's wrong with them?"

"Oh we must have just come off interstate 200."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man drives by a police camera and it flashes...

A man drives by a police camera and it flashes. Relatively sure that he was not speeding, he goes around and drives by the camera again, this time keeping an eye on his speed and going 10 mph under the limit and it still flashes.

Surprised, he goes around and drives by a 3rd time, this time going even slower while looking at the camera. As he passes by, it flashes a 3rd time.

Finding it hilarious, he goes around a 4th time, this time he goes at a crawling speed while making faces at the camera and indeed it flashes. He laughs his ass off and goes home, eager to tell his story to his wife.

2 weeks later he receives 4 infractions for not wearing his seat belt.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Surgery

After her fifth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them". "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"Ah, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".
"Brilliant!" said Jane." "And the third?".
"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse..............he just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I took a taxi the other night

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home

Sure enough i pass a police road block but because it was a taxi they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before, am not sure where i got it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A joke.

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Ditzy blondes...

A ditzy blonde is driving 80 mph down the highway, 20 miles over the speed limit. A ditzy blonde police officer pulls her over. The police officer asks to see her license, but the ditzy blonde driver has no idea what a license is. The officer tells her it is an identification card with her picture on it. The driver rummages in her purse and pulls out her makeup mirror, opens it up, sees herself in the mirror, and hands it to the police officer.

The police officer looks at the mirror and says, "Oh! You should have told me you were a police officer as well!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An officer pulls over a car with 5 elder women on the freeway.

Approaching the car he notices the women in the back of the car are pale white and wide eyed.

The women was visibly confused about being pulled over and asked, Why was I pulled over I was going exactly 22 mph?

The officer tells her she wasn't speeding but she was going a lot slower than the speed limit.

She responds I was going the exact speed limit 22 MPH.

He laughs and says the that was the route number and not the speed limit.

The women smiled out of embarrassment and thanked the officer.

Just before the officer walked off he asked if everyone is ok in the car.

The women responds, They will be in a minute. We just got off route 119.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cop pulls a driver over for speeding

The driver says, "C'mon, everyone on the road was breaking the speed limit."

The cop nods and says, "Tell me, have you ever been fishing?"

"Yeah... What's that got to do with it?"

"Did you catch *all* the fish?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde was driving faster than the speed limit in her new red car.

A blonde was driving faster than the speed limit in her new red car. A police officer, who was also a blonde, asked for the blondes license.

The blonde searches through her purse and gets more frustrated when she finally asks the officer "what does it look like?"

The officer says "it's a rectangle and it has your face on it".

Finally, the blonde takes out a small mirror and says "here you go". The officer looks at it and says "you can go, I didn't realise you were a cop".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man was driving through mexico..

While driving he saw a sign that said "Velocidad 85". He doesn't worry because he's driving well below the speed limit. He continues cruising down the highway for a while when he sees another sign that says "Velocidad 65". He slows down not wanting to get a ticket. A little while later he says yet another sign that says "Velocidad 40". Confused but not wanting to get pulled over, he slows down to 40. He continues and again he sees a sign that says "Velocidad 15". As he starts to slow down, other drivers are beeping, cutting him off, and just flying past him. He yells, "Fuck you, I'm not getting a ticket". After a while he sees a sign that says "Velocidad 5". Now he's confused and angry, but still insistent on not getting a ticket, he slows down.

After a few minutes, he sees a sign that says "Bienvenido a Velocidad"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

22 mph speed limit

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 136."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I want to share a recent experience about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have had brushes with authorities on our way home from late night "social sessions". A couple of nights ago I was out with some friends having a few drinks and let's just say I may have had a few too many. Knowing that I was "slightly" over the limit, I did something I had never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was, they waved it past. So I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not sure where I got it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Speeder

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for Driving without a seat belt.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Guy gets pulled over speeding across a bridge

Cop asks the guy what was so important that you decided to go 20 mph over the speed limit. The guy states "I'm late for work". The officer asks " What job is that important" The guy responds "I'm an asshole stretcher" "What the hell is an asshole stretcher" Well he goes on " First you put in a finger, then you work up to two then keep going, adding one fist then the other, until you're able to work the hole to be about 6ft" the cop looks confused, "what would you do with a 6' asshole" to which he replies "usually they put them at the end of a bridge with radar gun"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the most funny Limit jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Limit? Well, here are the best Limit dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Limit pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes