limbs Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious limbs puns

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

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I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I?

A liar.

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What do you call a kid with an eyepatch and no limbs?

Names.

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I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

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An armless and legless woman was lying down at a beach.

An armless and legless woman was lying down at a beach. A man happens to walk by and she gets his attention.

"Excuse me, honey. All my life I've been without limbs and nobody wants to be with me. The only thing I want is to be fucked. Would you be willing to help?"

So the man picks up the woman and throws her into the ocean. He calls out, "Guess you're fucked now!"

Credit goes to my dad.

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Why are prosthetic limbs so in fashion?

Anyone can pull them off

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Why did the knight stop fighting after all his limbs had been chopped of?

He'd been unarmed and defeated

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So a man loses an arm and a leg in an accident...

And he's talking to a friend. The friend points out to him an advertisement for incredibly realistic prosthetic limbs.
"Oh boy, those seem great! I can't wait to buy them!" He says, and he goes off to get them. The next day, he's talking to his friend, but he's still missing his limbs! "What happened, I thought you were going to buy them!" His friend said, confused. "Oh, I did," He replied, "But they cost me an arm and a leg."

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it seems Oscar Pistorious jokes still have legs..

Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't ever sneak up on Oscar Pistorius.

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for murder.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

Surely Oscar Pistorius cant be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!

I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party... or... An Oscar Pistorius St Valentine's Day Massacre

Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name - Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

A young woman is dead, the life of up‑and‑coming athlete, Oscar Pistorius, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.

I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.



Oscar Pistorious' lawyer is trying to claim mistaken identity
Personally I don`t think he has a leg to stand on


And the Oscar goes to ... Prison.

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A serious car accident takes place...

and a 6 year old boy is seriously hurt. He is rushed to the hospital, and is quickly examined by doctors. The doctors decide that the severity of the boys injuries are very high, so they decide that he will have to have his limbs amputated.

Upon waking up from the surgery, the boy looks around and sees the doctor, the doctor says "Hello, little man. How are you feeling?"

The boy says "My. My legs. I can't feel my legs"

The doctor replies, "Yes, that's because we amputated your arms!"

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Have you heard of this bad doctor?

When people's limbs get cut off he replaces them, but with other animals' limbs.

One of his patients was really angry at this, and decided to call the doctor. After multiple profanities the patient said that if he finds the doctor he will kill him with his bear hands.

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I got thrown out of the amputee club for having all of my limbs

In my opinion that was an unfair dismemberment

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What do you call...

What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?

A small arms dealer.

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21st birthday

A little boy is born with a terrible birth defect - he has only a head, no torso, no limbs.

On his 21st birthday, his friends take him to the bar to celebrate. One of them pours his first beer down his throat - and poof! All of a sudden, a neck and torso pop out of his head.

His friends are stunned. "Quick, get him another one!" So one of them helps him drink another beer - and poof! Two arms pop out of the torso.

Amazed, they order another beer, which the boy (now having arms) proudly drinks all by himself. Poof! Two legs pop out of the torso. All his friends cheer as the guy gets up to take a few steps. But he's unsteady on his new legs - not helped by three beers in rapid succession - and after a few steps he stumbles through the front door and into the street, and gets flattened by a bus.

"Bummer," says one of the guys in the bar. "He should have quit while he was ahead."

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What do you call the deaf man with no limbs?

Whatever you want.

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What do you call a person who sells prosthetic limbs for kids?

a small arms dealer.

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Oscar

β€’ Roses are red,

Violets are glorious,

Don't try to surprise

Oscar Pistorius


β€’ She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

β€’ Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

β€’ When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

β€’ Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for murder.

β€’ Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

β€’ I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

β€’ What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.

β€’ Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name. Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

β€’ A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.

β€’ I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.

β€’ Police have found a list of 20 other women that Pistorius planned to kill, they are calling it shinless list.

β€’ And the Oscar goes to....... Prison.

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Scientists have now made cybernetic limbs available to the public!

Unfortunately, they'll cost you an arm and a leg.

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A dark riddle.

What has four limbs in the morning, two limbs in the afternoon, and is dead by evening?


A disobedient slave.

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At the community swimming pool I met a fellow swimming that had no arms or legs.

I said, " Excuse me sir, but I think it's amazing what you're doing there! Do you mind telling me how you lost all your limbs?"

He said, "Oh, I lost them in the war. I was a Sergeant and I jumped on an IED to save my squad. My body armor saved my life but it didn't cover everything."

I said, "Oh wow, you're a true hero Sergeant...."

He said, "Thanks, but you don't have to call me Sergeant anymore, now it's just Bob."

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In the future, if technology makes it possible to replace human limbs

And its common enough that you can buy them in stores, will midgets go to small arms dealers?

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A Lame Date

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.

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Still not wanting to be policitally incorrect, she decided that its just dinner and it couldn't hurt.

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Much to her surprise the guy was a great conversationalist and really interesting and they just clicked.

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They got back to her house and things get hot and heavy.

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As the clothes start to come of the guy hesitates a bit and asks that the lights to be turned off because he doesn't want to be so vulnerable on a first date.

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She understandably agrees and the lights are turned off and she experiences the most intense love making of her life. The orgasms were intense.

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In the morning she told him that he was the greatest lover he ever had. He thanked her for a great nights and for her kind words. He then confessed "I didn't want you to find out right away, but I also lost my penis in the war."

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She was flabergasted. But how then? He couldn't finger her, or use hands, and it was certainly not a tongue she felt last night.

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She was stumped.

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A dad and a son walk into the bar the kids 21st birthday.

The son is only a head however. The dad places him on the bar and asks the bartender for 2 drinks. After the son finishes the first his torso magically appears. Astonished the dad asks for another round. The sons arms appear. Again and his legs appear until the son has all his limbs. The son is so estactic that he runs around the bar for the first time in his life until he falls and hits his head and dies. The bartender turns to the father and says he should've stopped while he was a head.

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Did you hear about the new store where you can plug in robotic limbs?

It's great even though they charge an arm and a leg.

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Did you hear about how much those new prosthetic limbs cost?

An arm and a leg.

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A lady on the beach

There was a lady lying on the beach one day who had no arms and legs. Whenever a handsome fellow would walk by her though she would start crying, and eventually one stopped and asked her "what is wrong?"

She replied with "Since I have no limbs, nobody has ever hugged me before."

The man feeling bad picks her up and gives her a long and very satisfying hug. As he sets her down and starts to leave, she starts crying again. So he asks her again "Lady, what is wrong?"

She replied with "Since I have no limbs nobody has ever kissed me before."

The man then kisses her very romantically and loving. Though as soon as he gets up and leaves she starts to cry again, and he asks her "Lady, what is wrong now?"

She replies "I have never been screwed before."

So the man picks her up and carries her into the ocean and tosses her as far as he can. Then he says "Well, you are now."

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So what do you do?

*I sell prosthetic limbs to various countries.*

So you're like a med rep, but for amputees?

*I prefer international arms dealer.*

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Now that robots move

their limbs smoothly and with grace, i wonder how we're supposed to imitate them on the dance floor?

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What do you call a gang of people paralyzed in all four limbs?

Squadriplegic.

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Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?

He didn't have a leg to stand on

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An Experiment Was Done on a Frog

An experiment was done on a frog.

One limb was cut off from the frog.

"Jump," said the scientist. And frog leaped across the table.

"One limb gone: the frog was still able to jump," the scientist wrote on his paper.

Then he cut off another limb.
"Jump," he commanded.

The frog still jumped.

"Two limbs gone: the frog was still able to jump," the scientist added to his paper.

Then once again he cut off another limb and comanded, "Jump!"

Again, the frog was still able to jump.

"Three limbs gone: the frog was still able to jump," he wrote on the paper.

Then he proceeded on cutting off the final limb.

"Jump," he commanded. The frog didn't move.
He tried again. "Jump!" he commanded with a louder tone. Still no response from the frog.

"All limbs gone: the frog went deaf," he added on his paper.

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Did you hear about the soldier with 8 limbs?

He was army

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I heard about this place that replaces your limbs with prosthetics...

But it'll cost you an arm and a leg!

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I have at last fulfilled my dream of becoming arms dealer...

... by selling 3D printed prosthetic limbs for the needy.

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What do you call a bird with no limbs?

A chicken nugget

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What are the most funny Limbs jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Limbs? Well, here are the best Limbs dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Limbs pick up lines to share with friends.

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