Lights Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Lights puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Lights

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.















































My lighthouse, my rules.

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

If you ever feel lonely...

just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

I have a bumper sticker that says...

"Honk if you think I'm sexy."

Then I wait at green lights till I feel better about myself.

There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35...

...and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.

It's 364 days until christmas.

And people already have their lights up!

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel...

The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel
... and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

Lenin in Warsaw

A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opensβ€”on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.

Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.

First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, butβ€”where was Lenin?

The director answers: In Warsaw.

Too Shy!!!

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine.

My daughter always said she wanted to see her name up in lights...

You should've seen the smile on her face when she turned to look at me and say:

"Daddy, what's an 'Amber Alert'?"

A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap...

and spots a speeder.

He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."

The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."

I put a bumper sticker on my car that says "honk if I'm pretty"

Sometimes when I'm sad I go park at green lights

Met a Dwarf Today....

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

A police officer turned on his lights, pulled me over, walked to my window and said "papers?"

I looked at him with a smile and said "Scissors, I win." and drove off.
I think he wants to do best out of 3 because he's been chasing me for an hour.

If someone broke into my house and stole all the lights...

I'd be absolutely delighted

Chicken and an egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg, with a dissatisfied look on it's face, rolls over and remarks, "Well, I guess we answered that question."

I crashed into a dwarf at some traffic lights

He got out of his car and said "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

Sir you don't need to be tailgating me I'm already going 55mph in a 35mph zone

And the lights on top of your car look ridiculous

Why do stop lights turn red?

You would turn red too if you had to change in front of everybody.

Why hasn't Peru adopted LED lights yet?

Because they are proud of their incan descent.

So I came home from work yesterday ....

.......To find that someone broke into my apartment. Looking around, it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV was still there, my PS4, and my legos were fine. But the apartment was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps...I was delighted.

A man on fire

A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.

A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.

He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'm a computer programmer. I don't care about warnings. I only care about errors."

Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...

The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.

Firetruck game

Boy: Lets play the firetruck game.

Girl: How do you play?

Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say, "red light" when you want me to stop.

Girl: Okay :)

*Few seconds later*

Girl: RED LIGHT!!

Boy: Firetrucks don't stop for red lights ;)

What do Chinese restaurants do when their lights are too bright?

Dim sum

An Australian is visiting England...

He is from a small rural town and he does not know anything about traffic laws and street lights. He crosses a street and almost gets hit by a car. A police officer sees him and screams: "Oi! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies with: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed...

When the chicken sits up, lights a cigar and says " Well I guess that answers that question."

Why do Boston police cars have blue lights?

Because Boston drivers don't stop for red lights.

Crashed in to the back of a car today at a set of lights, while I wasn't really paying attention. The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said "I'm not happy" so I replied "well, which one are you then?"

A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...

He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.

The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.

"You were going a little fast there," the officer says "but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over for beers and cards, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself."

The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied "Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a state trooper. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the rearview, I could have sworn you were bringing her back."

The officer paused for a moment and said "Have a nice day and drive safe."

Laughing Dog

A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it.
When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said:
" I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing all through the film.
"So was I" replied the man, " He hated the book!"

Excuse for speeding

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red BMW. So he decided to take his new BMW on a test drive down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new BMW would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over.

The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."

So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."

The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."

Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner.

Next the pot is placed on the floor with the same instructions. The physicist once again picks it up, places it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematician picks it up and puts it on the table, thus reducing it to a problem that's already been solved.

A man is spending his first night in prison...

He's laying in his bunk when the lights go out. After a few minutes, he hears someone shout, "13!" followed by a chorus of laughter.
Another few minutes go by and he hears, "27!" followed by more laughter.
"What's going on?" he asks his cell mate.
"Well, we've heard the same jokes so many times, we just gave them all numbers so we don't have to waste time repeating them."
A little more time passes and then someone erupts, "34!" to a few guffaws.
The man decides to try and join in by yelling, "19!"
He is greeted by silence. He asks his bunkmate, "Why didn't they laugh?"
His bunkmate replies, "You didn't tell it right."

My epileptic son loves our new Christmas tree.

You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!" she exclaims, "This is a surprise! But I'll get the vaseline and see what I can do."

The Trap

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.

One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.

When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.

"Absolutely not!", said her son.

What type of lights were on Noah's Ark?

You'd think it would be floodlights, but in reality it was the Israelites!

How to win an argument with a deaf girl?

Turn off the lights.

So the pope is SUPER EARLY for his flight


He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

Christmas lights remind me of my friends.

They all hang together, half of them don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.

I'm bored

Think I will go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with my reverse lights on.

The Nun at Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?'

A German, an Austrian, a nun and a young attractive woman on a train

A German, an Austrian, a nun and a attractive woman sit on a train. The lights in their car are broken so in every tunnel it gets really dark.

The train drives through a tunnel, it gets dark and suddenly you hear a slap and someone cries out in pain. When it gets bright again its obvious that the Austrian was slapped in the face.

The nun thinks: Well he tried to grope the young woman, so she slapped him.

The young woman thinks: He tried to grope me but messed up and touched the nun, who slapped him.

The Austrian thinks: That german guy tried to grope the woman and she tried to slap him, missed and hit me.

The German thinks: In the next tunnel ill hit him again.

I noticed a car following me on my drive home

I don't know why they thought they'd get away with it, the flashing lights made it really obvious.

In the hands of an expert..

A tourist takes a taxi in a foreign town. The taxi driver speeds through a red light. The tourist, frightened, asks

"What are you doing?"

The driver answers:

"Dont worry, I am an expert."

He speeds through more red lights, and the tourist, on the verge of hysteria, complains again, more urgently. The driver replies

"Relax, relax, you are in the hands of an expert."

Suddenly, the light turns green, the driver slams on the brakes, and the taxi skids to a halt. The tourist picks himself off the floor of the taxi and asks

"For crying out loud, why stop now that the light is finally green?"

The driver answers

"Too dangerous, could be another expert crossing."

Traffic Lights..

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business
patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no
on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American
Slogans, with a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the side of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, " Allahu Akbar!, Allahu Akbar!, " and
took off before the lights changed.

Out of nowhere, an 18-wheeler came speeding through
the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car stunned, thinking to myself,
"man...that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

A man gets pulled over for speeding...

The office saunters up to his car and he rolls down the window.

"I've heard every excuse for speeding in the book. I bet you can't give me one I haven't heard. But if you do, I'll let you off with a warning."

The man replies.

"Well you see officer, few years back my wife went and ran off with a state trooper."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well, when I saw your lights turn on I was afraid you fellas was coming to give her back!"

A son asks his dad

Son: Is it true that a father will always be more knowledgeable than his son?

Dad: Of course!

Son: Who invented the light bulb?

Dad: Thomas Edison.

Son: If the father know so much more, why didn't he invented the light bulb instead?

Dad: Son, when it was lights out and dark, he was busy inventing Edison!

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running from the police....

.... they run into a barn to hide. The brunette hides behind a stall of cows, the redhead hides in the goat pen, and the blonde hides behind bags full of potatoes. The police come in and shine their flashlights on the cows. The brunette says "MOO!" and the police shine their lights on the goats. The redhead says "BAHH!", so the police move on to the potatoes. They shine their lights on them and the blonde says "POTATOES!!!"

Why do traffic lights turn red?

You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.


It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

"Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks" reminded me of this one.

A man and his wife were driving from New York to California. Along the way the wife would find every little thing wrong with her husband's driving.
"You're driving too fast." "You missed that exit." "You're tailgating."
This went on throughout the trip. As their car crossed the border into Colorado, a cop flashed his lights and the man pulled over. The cop walks up to the driver's side and the man rolls down his window.
"Hey, Buddy, didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car about a quarter-mile back?"
The man said to the cop: "Thank God, I thought I went deaf."

Hearing problems

So a guy is going down the express way, and sees a lot of flashing lights, pulls over. The officer motions him to roll down his window and he says:

-Sir, do you realize that your wife fell out of the car, a mile back?

And he says:

-Oh thank god! I thought I was going deaf!

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."

Ok, ok, calm down, I'll call a plumber...

An old Jewish couple, Motti and Sara are going to bed. They get undressed and turn off the lights when Sara quickly pops to the bathroom. Suddenly, ten seconds later Motti hears Sara screaming, he jumps out of bed and rushes to the bathroom only to find a distressed Sara stuck arse-first in the toilet.

"Motti, I slipped and fell in and now the suction means I can't get out!"

After some pulling and shoving Motti gives in says he will have to call a plumber, which he promptly does.

"Honey, you can relax, the plumber will be here in a half hour."

"But Motti, look at me, I'm butt-naked, I can't have him see me like this!"

Quick thinking, Motti takes off his yarmulke (kippa, skullcap, whatever) and carefully places it over Sara's crotch, thus protecting her dignity. With excitingly accurate timing, the plumber does indeed arrive thirty minutes later, Motti takes him upstairs and shows him his wife's predicament, the plumber says he will need a few minutes to assess the situation during which time Motti should go make him a coffee. Motti returns:

"Well? Whaddya reckon, can you get her out?"

"Yeah I can free your wife. But the Rabbi: he's a goner."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes