Lightning Strikes Jokes
51 lightning strikes jokes and hilarious lightning strikes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lightning strikes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Lightning Strikes Short Jokes
Short lightning strikes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lightning strikes humour may include short lightning storm jokes also.
- Why does lightning strike in France so often? Because it follows the path of least resistance.
- If electricity always follows the path of least resistance Why doesn't lightning only strike in France?
- They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, and I believed that all my life. So when I got struck by lightning for the 2nd time on the hill, I was shocked
- If lightning always takes the path of least resistance... why doesn't it always strike France?
- Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery. Either way I hit the jackpot.
- They say men are 3 times as likely to be struck by lightning than women Because lighting is 1/3 as likely to strike in the kitchen
- What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed? "It was shockingly powerful... Like, it really Hertz."
- This news just in: The worlds tallest man has lost a fight with a storm. In my opinion he shouldn't have let the lightning strike first.
- What's similar between a violist and lightning? A violist's fingers never strike in the same place.
- Why shouldn't you smoke w**... during a thunder storm? Because lightning strikes the highest object.
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Lightning Strikes One Liners
Which lightning strikes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lightning strikes? I can suggest the ones about struck by lightning and struck lightning.
- If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit? The conductor.
- Lightning striking a cow isn't a rare event It's medium rare
- Why does lightning always strike trees? They are the path of leaf resistance.
- What happens when lightning strikes an animal shelter? Shock and Awwwww
- What's one thing the guy who survived seven lightning strikes couldn't survive? A bullet.
- Lightning never strikes twice... But the electric fence worked on my mother in law.
- My Dad always said I hammer like lightning I never strike in the same place twice.
- If lightning strikes in the forest Does it hit the ground?
- Chuck Norris can strike the same lightning twice.
- Lightning doesn't strike Chuck Norris, chuck norris strikes lightning!
- Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form. Only when it's ground.
Hilarious Lightning Strikes Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about lightning strikes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lightning jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lightning strikes pranks.
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"
A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing.
The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap.
He's so angry, he shouts "God d**..., I missed!".
The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again.
He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God d**..., I MISSED!".
The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again.
On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD d**... I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly.
Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "God d**..., I missed".
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
A priest and a farmer are playing a round of golf.
On the first hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots a hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and the ball ends up in the woods.
The farmer is furious and screams: "g**... I missed".
The priest tells him "If you curse one more time, god will punish you".
On the second hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots another hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and this ball also ends up in the woods.
He screams "g**... I missed"
A loud rumble is heard and lightning strikes the *priest*.
Shortly after, a voice is heard from above the clouds saying "g**... I missed"
Jesus VS Satan
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves"
Jesus and Satan are having an argument about who is the better computer programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.
Very well, says God, let us see if Jesus has fared any better.
Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?
God chuckles, Everybody knows… Jesus saves.
Priest and nun playing golf.
A priest and a nun are playing golf. The nun, on the first course, swing and hit the ball, right in the hole at the first strike. The priest hit the ball and threw it around. "Fxxx! I've missed!" said the priest. The nun glance at him and disagrees, moving the head. On the second hole, same scene: the nun succeded at the first strike, the priest threw it in the woods and started yelling: "Fxxx! I've missed!". The nun started complaining. Third hole, and following same exact scene. The priest shouts: "Fxxx! I've missed!" louder and louder. After another couple of holes, the nun said: "Enough! Stop dirty talking! If I hear you once more, may the sky strike you with a lightning!". The priest is very sorry and keep playing in silence. On the last hole, the nun scores in one strike. The priest threw the ball in a sand bunker and yelled: "Fxxx! I've missed!". The sky open itself and a enormous lightning strikes... the nun! From above the priest heard a voice: "Fxxx! I've missed!"
Two men are painting a church.
They are painting it blue.
They get about 1/2 way done, and realize they are running out of paint. So they add a little thinner to make it stretch.
The job got 3/4 of the way done, and they are thinking that it's still not going to be enough paint. So they add more thinner.
They get the job done and stand back to look at their work. Not surprising though is that the church is one shade of blue on one end and another shade of blue on the other.
Suddenly, the skies darken and lightning strikes! A booming voice comes from the clouds and says, "REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"
Smiting
A construction worker was hammering in a nail, and hit his hand as a priest walks by. "g**..., I missed," he says. The priest tells him to not take the Lords name in vain.
The next day he walks by the same construction worker again, and this time the construction worker hits his other hand. "g**..., I missed," he says once again. The priest tells him he has one more strike before God punishes him.
The third day, the construction worker hits his beer, resting next to him. As the bottle breaks, he says "g**... I missed." The priest is walking by as a lightning bolt hits the priest, disintegrating him. A voice booms from the heavens, "g**... I MISSED."
Three high school students are standing outside the school...
When they notice thunder and lighting in the distance. The French exchange student throws his hands in the air, screams, and runs away. One student asks the other, "Why did he run away like that?" To which the other replies "He knows lightning always strikes the point of least resistance."
True story, changed setting for simplicity.
Two scared dads
Two kids are arguing over whose father was the biggest scaredy cat. Tommy says, My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bead.
Peter replies, Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.
The Biggest Coward
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.
The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."
The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."
So there was this king in Hawaii living in a straw thatch style palace whose hobby was collecting thrones...
Anytime some local carpenter created a new ornate chair, he had to have it for his collection. The guy was wild about them, it was his one true passion in life.
Well one day, lightning strikes during a thunderstorm and his palace burns down including his entire collection. He was crushed, never the same afterwards.
Well, you know what they say. People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
A blonde and her boyfriend went to the movies
In the film, the main character is running through the storm so she says, "I bet you £20, that they don't get struck by lightning."
And her boyfriend agrees.
20 seconds later the main character is stuck by lightning and the blonde looks confused and gets £20 to give.
Her boyfriend said "I can't take this, I have seen the movie before."
She replies, "So have I but I didn't think lightning would strike twice in the same place!"
Moses, Jesus and an old man are playing golf together.
Moses swings and the ball rolls towards a river. The river splits and the ball goes through. Jesus shrugs, and hits the ball straight onto the river. It rolls straight over. The old man smiles and hits the ball into the river. A fish swallows the ball, an eagle swoops down, grabs the fish and flies off. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, it drops the fish, the ball falls into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus "I hate playing with your dad."
Moses, Jesus and an old man were playing golf.
Moses swings and the ball rolls towards a river. The river splits and the ball goes through. Hole in one.
Jesus shrugs, and hits the ball straight onto the river. It rolls straight over. Hole in one.
The old man smiles and hits the ball into the river. A fish swallows the ball, an eagle swoops down, grabs the fish and flies off. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, it drops the fish, the ball falls into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says
"I hate playing with your dad."
John is playing golf with the vicar
He misses a three foot putt, and says "d**..., missed the buggar."
The vicar warns him "keep talking like that and God will open up the heavens and strike you dead with lightning."
John then misses a two foot putt, and repeats "d**..., missed the buggar."
Sure enough, God opens the heavens and sends down a lightning bolt, but it strikes the vicar and he falls over dead.
"d**..., missed the buggar." God says.
An old one: A rabbi and a priest go golfing, but the rabbi keeps missing his shots.
Whenever this happens, he angrily exclaims, g**..., I missed! At each hole, the rabbi swears, and at each hole, the priest shakes his head. Finally, on the final hole, the exasperated priest declares, Rabbi, if you continue with this disrespect for the Lord's name, so help me, may He strike you down right here on the green. The rabbi swings, misses, and swears. Suddenly, a lightning bolt descends and incinerates the priest. A heavenly voice then cries out, g**..., I missed!
A rookie carpenter is on his first day of a new job...
The foreman greets him at the job site and tells him his first task will be to nail some sheathing on a roof. The rookie grabs a hammer and nails and gets to work.
The foreman watches the rookie work for a while, and when he's finished he calls him over. The foreman says, "I think your nickname in this jobsite will be 'lightning'." The rookies face lit up, and he asked, "Why's that? Am I faster than everybody else?"
The foreman shakes his head and says, "No, it's because you never strike twice in the same place ."