Lightning Jokes
142 lightning jokes and hilarious lightning puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lightning that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Lightning may be a scary force of nature, but you can still have a good laugh about it. Check out this collection of jokes about lightning, thunderstorms, hurricanes, tornadoes, and more. Have fun and lightning up your life with these punny jokes!
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Funniest Lightning Short Jokes
Short lightning jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lightning humour may include short thunder jokes also.
- Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning? His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
- Why does lightning strike in France so often? Because it follows the path of least resistance.
- If electricity always follows the path of least resistance Why doesn't lightning only strike in France?
- My dad drives like the lightning! Wow, he's that good, yeah?
Well I don't know. He drives really fast and from time to time he hits a tree. - My local church had troubles getting their insurance to pay for the lightning damage The insurance claimed it was deliberate damage by the owner.
- Why is their always lightning in France? Obviously, since lightning takes the path of least resistance.
- Me and my girlfriend have nicknames for each other; I call her thunder and she calls me lightning. I'm lightning because I always come first
- My dads nickname is lightning. That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
- A girl is having a date with a guy and is asking the guy if he drives well Guy : I drive like lightning.
Girl : You drive fast?
Guy : No, I hit the trees. - I once went to an open air Queen concert. It was good, but there was a terrible electrical storm during the set
Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening...
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Lightning One Liners
Which lightning one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lightning? I can suggest the ones about flashlight and bolts.
- Why did Thor lose his lightning powers? Because his father grounded him.
- How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning? Medium rare.
- Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?" Him: "No, I hit trees."
- If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit? The conductor.
- My wife drives like lightning. I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
- If you wrote a book about Lightning McQueen... Is it a biography or an autobiography?
- I was trying the figure out how lightning works. Then it struck me.
- Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 killed the headphone jack with lightning
- The electrons couldn't wait to become lightning When it happened, they were ex-static
- Why did Thor lose his lightning powers? His father grounded him.
- I used to wonder how lightning worked. Then it struck me.
- What is Lightning McQueen's favourite chocolate snack? CACAO!
- Why couldn't the lightning rod go play with its friends? Because it was grounded.
- Lightning striking a cow isn't a rare event It's medium rare
- What was the musician doing when he was struck by lightning? He was conducting.
Lightning Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny lightning up jokes and even better lightning up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Heard about the insurance that refused to pay for the lightning damage of the church? It was judged to be an Act of God, and thus deliberate damage by owner.
- Local Man Killed After Being Struck By Lightning Statement from police: he would have been fine if he had stopped resisting
- On the bright side selfie sticks are also lightning rods.
- Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.
- Why do they call them thunder storms and not lightning storms? Thunder storms just *sound* better
- An ode to my ex He really was the lightning to my thunder...
He always came first - When lightnings struck the church, the insurance company refused to pay Reason: Act of God, in other words, deliberate destruction by owner.
- What did the lightning say to the fireworks? Hey! You stole my thunder.
Credit to my nine year old daughter on the 4th - What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning? A handicapacitor.
- They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, and I believed that all my life. So when I got struck by lightning for the 2nd time on the hill, I was shocked
Struck By Lightning Jokes
Here is a list of funny struck by lightning jokes and even better struck by lightning puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning? A zapling.
- I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice. It was a revolting scene.
- A train conductor was struck by lightning 15 times and miraculously survived It turns out he was a bad conductor
- It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm. You probably won't get struck by lightning.
- TIL that people who've crashed a train before are impervious to being struck by lightning. Because they're bad conductors.
- Q: What is brown, small, and smells of caramel?
A: A diabetic who's been struck by lightning. - Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning? He had to be honorably discharged.
- I was having trouble finding the answer on a question about lightning But then it struck me
- Outside my school there is an unfortunate tree It has been hit by a car, struck by lightning, and now infested with termites.
What a poor sap - What's the difference between the Denver Broncos and a lottery ticket One has a better chance of getting struck by lightning than winning, the other is a lottery ticket
Struck Lightning Jokes
Here is a list of funny struck lightning jokes and even better struck lightning puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- They say men are 3 times as likely to be struck by lightning than women Because lighting is 1/3 as likely to strike in the kitchen
- I was out in the wild looking for lightnings and didn't know why I couldn't find any and then it struck me
- What do you call a cow struck by lightning? Ground Beef
- What happened to the guy who got struck by lightning He was shocked
- How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning? He was a good conductor.
- I got struck by lightning And charged with resisting cardiac arrest.
- When I worked construction back in the day, they used to call me "Lightning." Never struck twice in the same place. (True story...)
- Did you hear about the railroad employee who was struck by lightning? They say he was a great conductor.
- Did you hear about the man who got struck by lightning? It's a shocking story
- As I was finishing a round of golf during a lightning storm, I was suddenly struck ...by how peaceful my game was with no one else on the course. I should do this more often!
Lightning Strikes Jokes
Here is a list of funny lightning strikes jokes and even better lightning strikes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why does lightning always strike trees? They are the path of leaf resistance.
- If lightning always takes the path of least resistance... why doesn't it always strike France?
- Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery. Either way I hit the jackpot.
- What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed? "It was shockingly powerful... Like, it really Hertz."
- What happens when lightning strikes an animal shelter? Shock and Awwwww
- This news just in: The worlds tallest man has lost a fight with a storm. In my opinion he shouldn't have let the lightning strike first.
- What's one thing the guy who survived seven lightning strikes couldn't survive? A bullet.
- Lightning never strikes twice... But the electric fence worked on my mother in law.
- My Dad always said I hammer like lightning I never strike in the same place twice.
- If lightning strikes in the forest Does it hit the ground?
Lightning Mcqueen Jokes
Here is a list of funny lightning mcqueen jokes and even better lightning mcqueen puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Serious question here... Does Lightning McQueen get car insurance or life insurance?
- What does an Italian Lightning McQueen say? Ka-ciao
- What kind of food does Lightning McQueen feed his cat? Cat Chow
- Lightning McQueen was saying goodbye to some of his South American friends Kay, Tchau!
- If Lightning McQueen had a son, what would his name be? cody, because he's a Carson
Comical Lightning Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about lightning you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean electricity jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lightning pranks.
Why shouldn't you smoke w**... during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
Flying Blind
A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning.
The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, "The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and tell me which city we are flying over judging by what you touch."
The Frenchman goes first. He opens the door, puts his hand outside of the door, and brings it in a minute later. "We're flying over Paris! I could feel the Eiffel Tower!"
The Englishman is next. He sticks his hand outside and draws it back in a minute later. "I just touched Big Ben! We are just over London!"
Finally, it is the American's turn. He shoves his hand outside the plane and brings it back in immediately. "We're flying over Detroit. I know because my watch just got stolen."
An angel appears at a faculty meeting...
... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
My favorite golf joke
Two guys are out golfing and a big thunderstorm rolls in. The first guy packs up his gear and starts running for the clubhouse when he sees his buddy take his 1-iron out of his bag and hold it above his head while casually walking in.
First guy says, "What are you doing?! Are you trying to get yourself killed? Don't you see all the lightning?"
"Don't worry," says the second guy, "even God can't hit a 1-iron."
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
Have you heard men get hit by lightning 6x more often than women?
The kitchen must be a very safe place
A priest and a farmer are playing a round of golf.
On the first hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots a hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and the ball ends up in the woods.
The farmer is furious and screams: "g**... I missed".
The priest tells him "If you curse one more time, god will punish you".
On the second hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots another hole-in-one.
When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and this ball also ends up in the woods.
He screams "g**... I missed"
A loud rumble is heard and lightning strikes the *priest*.
Shortly after, a voice is heard from above the clouds saying "g**... I missed"
Thor
The god of thunder is riding through the sky on his mighty stallion. With lightning crashing all around, he triumphantly screams, "I'M THOR!" His horse looks up and says, "Of courthe you are, you forgot your thaddle thilly!"
Three legged pig
A man is driving through the country to see a farmer about a sale.
after awhile he turns into the front gate of the property.. before he can get out of the car to open the gate.. a three legged pig leaps up and undoes the latch - opens the gate for him.
He is amazed as he stops to close the gate again but notices the three legged pig quickly close and latch the gate behind him.
As he drives on to the next gate the pig runs at speed past his car - by the time he gets there the gate is wide open - the pig closes it behind him again.
He arrives at the homestead and the pig has already sped past him and in sitting on the lower step.
He asks the farmer 'what's the story with this three legged pig? he opened the gates and ran like lightning to get in front of me - it's only got three legs - amazing!'
Farmer replies - 'Good pig like that.., you would be mad to eat 'im all at once'
What did the father lightning bolt do to his son when he miabehaved?
He grounded him.
A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.
First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"
Three high school students are standing outside the school...
When they notice thunder and lighting in the distance. The French exchange student throws his hands in the air, screams, and runs away. One student asks the other, "Why did he run away like that?" To which the other replies "He knows lightning always strikes the point of least resistance."
True story, changed setting for simplicity.
An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."
An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...
...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"
I was amazed
As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.
There was a snail who took his brand new sports car into the body shop and got a custom paint job.
He asked for racing stripes, flames, lightning bolts…you name it.
But there was one thing about the paint job the body shop owner just couldn't understand.
The snail wanted a big S on the driver's and passenger's doors.
When asked about them the snail said:
When I drive by someone at high speed I want them to say 'Look at that S-car go.'
Two scared dads
Two kids are arguing over whose father was the biggest scaredy cat. Tommy says, My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bead.
Peter replies, Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.
Wisdom, Beauty, or Money
At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears and tells the head of the Physics department, I will grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beauty—or ten million dollars.
Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom.
There is a ash of lightning, and the professor appears transformed, but he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers, Say something.
The professor says, I should have taken the money.
Having s**... is like being struck by lightning
It's never happened to me, and the odds are not in my favor
The Biggest Coward
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.
The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."
The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."
A plane gets struck by lightning
A plane is struck by lightning. A woman screams, "I'm too young to die! I want my last minutes of life to be meaningful. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up and says. "I can make you feel like a woman." He starts to walk up the aisle, slowly unbuttoning his shirt, and whispers, "Iron this."
What is a gamers explanation for first seeing the lightning and then hearing thunder
Lag
What did the fisherman say to the lightning bolt?
"Mr. Spark, I don't reel so good"
The Thunder God astride his horse came riding from the sky.
A majestic sight for all to see, a Marvel for the eye!
He held aloft his hammer great, lightning flashed and thunder boomed!
"I AM THOR!" he cried.
His horse replied, "Well you forgot your thaddle, thilly."
I had to go to my Grandmother's f**... yesterday...
...just as the graveside service had ended, there was an almighty rumble of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning.
My Grandfather turned to the Priest and said, "well, she's there and now it's His problem!"
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...
"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.
"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ok, so what about the third body?"
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the r**... from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...
"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.
Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all his money on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Sean, the Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
*My grandfather told me this one as a kid so I hope you enjoyed!*
A blonde and her boyfriend went to the movies
In the film, the main character is running through the storm so she says, "I bet you £20, that they don't get struck by lightning."
And her boyfriend agrees.
20 seconds later the main character is stuck by lightning and the blonde looks confused and gets £20 to give.
Her boyfriend said "I can't take this, I have seen the movie before."
She replies, "So have I but I didn't think lightning would strike twice in the same place!"
A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!
The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....
Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire .
The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...
The Mosque denied all responsibility!
So, the judge commented:
It's difficult to decide the case because we have a Bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire group of Mosque congregants that does not believe in it !!!
The case is hereby dismissed!
A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.
Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.
**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.
The man stood, shocked, before gathering his wits and muttering, "Well dam".
Moses, Jesus and an old man are playing golf together.
Moses swings and the ball rolls towards a river. The river splits and the ball goes through. Jesus shrugs, and hits the ball straight onto the river. It rolls straight over. The old man smiles and hits the ball into the river. A fish swallows the ball, an eagle swoops down, grabs the fish and flies off. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, it drops the fish, the ball falls into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus "I hate playing with your dad."
The Right Choice
An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise."
The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money."
Sensei, I've been training for years, and I'm not getting any stronger. What's going on?
Have you seen the flock of cranes fly over the old mountain at sunrise?
Yes.
Have you seen the great lightning storms crack the sky before making way for a rainbow?
Yes.
Have you seen the fabled tiger as it hunts prey in the forest, quicker than the eye can see?
Yes, Sensei.
That's the problem. You keep watching s**... s**... instead of practicing!
John is playing golf with the vicar
He misses a three foot putt, and says "d**..., missed the buggar."
The vicar warns him "keep talking like that and God will open up the heavens and strike you dead with lightning."
John then misses a two foot putt, and repeats "d**..., missed the buggar."
Sure enough, God opens the heavens and sends down a lightning bolt, but it strikes the vicar and he falls over dead.
"d**..., missed the buggar." God says.
A Chemist, Biologist, and Physicist were captured by n**...
The n**... had taken all three scientists to the woods and lined them up on their knees with their hands on their head. They were about to be executed.
The n**... aim their guns, and the biologist screams "bear". The n**... turn around expecting a bear, but none was there. The biologist had escaped the n**....
So they aim their guns again and the physicist yells "lightning". Again, the n**... turn around to look for lightning but don't see any. The physicist had now escaped.
With just the chemist left, the n**... aim their guns and the chemist yells "fire!".
An old one: A rabbi and a priest go golfing, but the rabbi keeps missing his shots.
Whenever this happens, he angrily exclaims, g**..., I missed! At each hole, the rabbi swears, and at each hole, the priest shakes his head. Finally, on the final hole, the exasperated priest declares, Rabbi, if you continue with this disrespect for the Lord's name, so help me, may He strike you down right here on the green. The rabbi swings, misses, and swears. Suddenly, a lightning bolt descends and incinerates the priest. A heavenly voice then cries out, g**..., I missed!
I'm Lightning McQueen. My buddy Mater told me if I like the Piston Cup, I could work here and get dozens a day. As it turns out...
That's not what he meant, and I hate working in a drug-screening lab.
A rookie carpenter is on his first day of a new job...
The foreman greets him at the job site and tells him his first task will be to nail some sheathing on a roof. The rookie grabs a hammer and nails and gets to work.
The foreman watches the rookie work for a while, and when he's finished he calls him over. The foreman says, "I think your nickname in this jobsite will be 'lightning'." The rookies face lit up, and he asked, "Why's that? Am I faster than everybody else?"
The foreman shakes his head and says, "No, it's because you never strike twice in the same place ."
What do you call thunder and lightning in a tea cup
A storm brewing
In memory of recently passed Benedict XVI
WW2. Young german soldier captures pole. At the moment he aiming to shoot him lightning crack the sky and they hear God's voice:
- Don't shoot him, he is a future Pope
- Wow what about me?
- Ok, fine, you too
