The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
Because his father grounded him.
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"
... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
Him: "No, I hit trees."
Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."
It's never happened to me, and the odds are not in my favor
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.
The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."
The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."
As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.
the owner of Joe's Bar began construction on a new building to increase his business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
As the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing, he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
Because it follows the path of least resistance.
Why doesn't lightning only strike in France?
...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"
The monk throws his dart, and misses the board. "Oh shit, I missed" he says. The nun says, "Don't say that here, this is a holy place."
The monk assures her he will not, and throws his next dart. It misses the board. "Oh SHIT, I missed!"
The nun exclaims, "DO NOT SAY THAT HERE, THE LORD WILL SMITE YOU!" and as if to back up the claim, thunder rumbles in the distance.
"Okay, okay," says the monk, "I won't."
The monk throws the third dart, and again, misses the board. "OH SHIT, I missed!"
Lightning Strikes the nun. A rumbling voice from heaven booms out, "Oh shit, I missed."
Note: I have posted this elsewhere, and have know this joke since I was little... One of my favorites.
...have lived together in a modest home for years now. Every morning the man wakes up before sunrise to go fishing without fail. One morning he sees a storm has rolled in and the sea is violent, he decides for the first time in in years not to fish.
He makes his way back to home through the rain and lightning. He slowly slides back into bed with his wife. When he finally gets all tucked in, his wife whispers "I glad you're back" to which the fisherman replies "Me too". The peaceful silence that followed was interrupted by a loud crack of thunder. The wife whispers "Can you believe my husband is fishing in this shit?"
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
In a transatlantic flight, the turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse whenone wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane, "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I am going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me feel like a woman! I've had it! Is there ANYONE on the plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?!"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare riveted at the desperate woman in front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous — tall, built with long, flowing balck hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers: "Iron this."
... the man is putting and misses his shot. "God damnit, I missed," the man says.
The priest tells him to not take the Lord's name in vain, or God would strike him down.
The man swings and misses again.
"God damnit, I missed."
The priest, again, reminds him that God would strike him down, if he uses the Lord's name in vain.
The man swings and misses a third time. He says, "God damnit, I missed."
All of a sudden, there's thunder and dark clouds fill the sky over the golf course. A flash of lightning strikes down from the heavens and hits the priest. A deep voice coming from the clouds says, "God damnit, I missed."
The conductor.
Obviously, since lightning takes the path of least resistance.
Superman was flying over and he had the idea that "hey I'm quick as lightning, I could go down there and have sex with her really quick then be out of there in a second." So he flies down, gets the job done and flies off. Wonderwoman jumps up and goes "what the hell was that?" Invisible man replies "I don't know but my ass really hurts."
The god of thunder is riding through the sky on his mighty stallion. With lightning crashing all around, he triumphantly screams, "I'M THOR!" His horse looks up and says, "Of courthe you are, you forgot your thaddle thilly!"
A plane is passing through a storm when a wing is struck by lightning. One woman freaks out and screams, "I'm too young to die! I want my last minutes of life to be satisfying. I've had plenty of sex, but I've never been fulfilled. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
A gorgeous man stands up. "I can make you feel like a woman." He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. Muscles ripple across his chest as he extends his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers, "Iron this."
so sorry girls
Is it a biography or an autobiography?
Why doesn't lightning always strike in France?
Sounds better than premature ejaculator...
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
A sailor and a priest were playing golf.
The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed."
Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will punish you."
The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck'n missed again."
The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will punish you."
The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh fuck…"
The priest said, "That's it god will certainly punish you."
Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "FUCK, I Missed".
A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning.
The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, "The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and tell me which city we are flying over judging by what you touch."
The Frenchman goes first. He opens the door, puts his hand outside of the door, and brings it in a minute later. "We're flying over Paris! I could feel the Eiffel Tower!"
The Englishman is next. He sticks his hand outside and draws it back in a minute later. "I just touched Big Ben! We are just over London!"
Finally, it is the American's turn. He shoves his hand outside the plane and brings it back in immediately. "We're flying over Detroit. I know because my watch just got stolen."
As the debate heated up a fly is flying around the room.
The first samurai quickly draws his sword and chops it in two, the other two are not impressed. Another fly enters the room. The second samurai even faster than the first swing his sword and chops the wings off and the fly continues on. A third fly unfortunately finds its way in the room. Quick as lightning the third samurai draws his sword and swings. The fly continues on its way as if nothing happened. The other samurais starts laughing. With quiet dignity he puts his sword away and turns to the and says.
"Laugh all you will, but that fly will never be a dad again."
Because it follows the path of least resistance
I'm lightning because I always come first
Then it struck me.
They are painting it blue.
They get about 1/2 way done, and realize they are running out of paint. So they add a little thinner to make it stretch.
The job got 3/4 of the way done, and they are thinking that it's still not going to be enough paint. So they add more thinner.
They get the job done and stand back to look at their work. Not surprising though is that the church is one shade of blue on one end and another shade of blue on the other.
Suddenly, the skies darken and lightning strikes! A booming voice comes from the clouds and says, "REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"
I was at my neice's pool party last Saturday. She got an inflatable dolphin for her birthday. We were all having a great time, when the wind started blowing a bit harder and some clouds rolled in. Over the next 10 minutes it just started getting windier and windier and the skies turned dark. In the distance we saw a flash of lightning and decided to get the kids inside.
As we were running towards the house, my niece dropped the dolphin toy and the wind got ahold of it and blew it across the yard. Fearing it would blow away and be lost forever, i frantically chased after it, but to no avail, it jumped the fence but came to rest in the neighbors rosebush. Some of the thorns had punctured the thin plastic and, upon examination, i saw air escaping through 3 small holes in the side.
"Well, I guess that deflates the porpoise."
Because 7 killed the headphone jack with lightning
why doesn't lightning only strike the country of France?
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
Guy : I drive like lightning.
Girl : You drive fast?
Guy : No, I hit the trees.
The carpenter swings, and misses. He yells "God damn it!"
The priest rebukes him "Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord in vain!"
The carpenter just waves him off, and swings again. And misses. "God DAMN it! Missed again!"
The priest exclaims "The Lord might strike you down with lightning for that!"
The carpenter just laughs him off and swings a third time. "**GOD DAMN IT! MISSED AGAIN!**"
Suddenly, a bolt of lightning comes down from the clear blue sky and turns the priest into a puff of smoke. A deep, booming voice comes down from above.
"GOD DAMN! MISSED AGAIN!"
At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears and tells the head of the Physics department, I will grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beauty—or ten million dollars.
Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom.
There is a ash of lightning, and the professor appears transformed, but he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers, Say something.
The professor says, I should have taken the money.
Before she can say any more, he tells her to go into the other room, strip off and lay down on the bed. When he comes in, he's so taken with her beauty that he immediately starts to fondle her whole body.
Don't worry, this is quite normal, he says. I expect you know what I'm doing?
I suppose you're checking for anything unusual, she replies.
That's right, he responds, and then quick as lightning he strips off, lays on top of her and starts making love.
Do you know what I'm doing now? he asks.
Oh yes, she replies calmly. You're getting herpes. That's what I was trying to tell you earlier.
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves"
Two kids are arguing over whose father was the biggest scaredy cat. Tommy says, My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bead.
Peter replies, Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.
It was good, but there was a terrible electrical storm during the set
Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening...
A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing.
The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap.
He's so angry, he shouts "God dammit, I missed!".
The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again.
He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God dammit, I MISSED!".
The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again.
On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD DAMMIT I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly.
Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "God dammit, I missed".
Two guys are out golfing and a big thunderstorm rolls in. The first guy packs up his gear and starts running for the clubhouse when he sees his buddy take his 1-iron out of his bag and hold it above his head while casually walking in.
First guy says, "What are you doing?! Are you trying to get yourself killed? Don't you see all the lightning?"
"Don't worry," says the second guy, "even God can't hit a 1-iron."
He was conducting.
selfie sticks are also lightning rods.
Then it struck me
Thunder storms just *sound* better
A Bar Opened Opposite a Church!!!
The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.
Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.
Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.
The Church Denied all Responsibility!!!
So, the judge commented,
"It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it"
Superb one.
What an irony!!
A handicapacitor.
Hey! You stole my thunder.
Credit to my nine year old daughter on the 4th
Science teacher asks the kids, what is the fastest thing they know.
Timmy: Electricity!
Teacher: Why? Tell us?
Timmy: Whenever I press the light switch in my room, it takes less than a second to be on.
Teacher: Good example Timmy.
Fred: A lightning!
Teacher: Why? Freddie?
Fred: Because it appears super fast! covering big distances in no time.
Teacher: Good example Freddie.
Johnny: Diarrhea!
Teacher: Diarrhea? why?
Johnny: Last night my stomach ached, I woke up like a lightning, turned on the lights, and I was already covered in shit.
One of them is checking out his buddy's clubs.
"Looks like a decent set-up you have there," he says. "But just one question-- why one earth do you carry a 1-iron?"
"Well, I bring that with me just in case there's a thunderstorm," the friend replies.
"What do you mean?"
"Whenever I see lightning overhead, I immediately grab my bag, run out to the center of the fairway, and hold that club straight up in the air."
Taken aback, the first guy asks, "Why would you do that!?"
"Because," his friend says, "Even God can't hit a 1-iron!"
They are the path of leaf resistance.
It was a revolting scene.
He grounded him.
It turns out he was a bad conductor
why doesn't it always strike France?
When they notice thunder and lighting in the distance. The French exchange student throws his hands in the air, screams, and runs away. One student asks the other, "Why did he run away like that?" To which the other replies "He knows lightning always strikes the point of least resistance."
True story, changed setting for simplicity.
Lag
He asked for racing stripes, flames, lightning bolts…you name it.
But there was one thing about the paint job the body shop owner just couldn't understand.
The snail wanted a big S on the driver's and passenger's doors.
When asked about them the snail said:
When I drive by someone at high speed I want them to say 'Look at that S-car go.'
The kitchen must be a very safe place
A plane is struck by lightning. A woman screams, "I'm too young to die! I want my last minutes of life to be meaningful. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up and says. "I can make you feel like a woman." He starts to walk up the aisle, slowly unbuttoning his shirt, and whispers, "Iron this."
"Mr. Spark, I don't reel so good"
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
Two priests, one young and one old, were playing golf. The younger priest swung at the ball and shouted, "Damn it, I missed!" The older one reminded him, "Watch your language or God will punish you." The younger one had another swing and exclaimed, "Bloody hell!" The older one said again, "Watch your language or God will punish you." The younger priest tried again and shouted, "Shit! Not again!"
Before the old priest could say anything, a lightning bolt descended from the skies and struck the older priest. Immediately after, a rumbling voice echoed, "Fuck! I missed!"
I take the path of least resistance.
Does Lightning McQueen get car insurance or life insurance?
Either way I hit the jackpot.
He had to be honorably discharged.
Bolts of lightning.
I never thought it would happen, but when it did, it was shocking and left me a huge scar.
i survived
He saw with his x-ray vision Wonder Woman in her apartment lying on her back on her bed, naked, with her legs apart.
In a flash, he swooped down through an open window, made love to her, and quicker than lightning flew off.
What was that? asked Wonder Woman.
I don't know , said Invisible Man on top of her, but my ass hurts like hell...
Because lightning always follows the path of least resistance
Three women are getting executed by firing squad for committing a crime. One is a brunette, one is a redhead, and one is blonde. First the brunette is brought up onto the stage, with the squad assembled in front of her. She is asked for her last words, and she points behind the crowd and yells, "Tornado!" Everybody turns to look, and the brunette escapes.
The next day, the redhead is brought up onto the stage to be executed, with the same setup. When asked for her last words, she yells, "Lightning!" Everybody turns to look, and the redhead escapes.
The day after that, the blonde is brought up onto the stage. She is asked for her last words, and the blonde looks behind the firing squad, and yells, "Fire!
Because lighting is 1/3 as likely to strike in the kitchen
The bad guys have captured the Lone Ranger, have him naked on the ground, and are about to shoot him. "Do you have any last wishes??", one of them asks, "Bring my horse, Silver, over here.", the Lone Ranger replies.
They grant his wish and over comes Silver. The Lone Ranger whispers for a moment into Silver's ear. Then Silver disappears over the horizon like lightning. He returns in just a few seconds with a big, beautiful woman in the saddle. She hops off Silver, strips naked and in short order she and the Lone Ranger enjoy themselves to the utmost, much to the delight of the bad guys.
When they've finished, another bad guy says, "That looked like good fun. Do you have any other last wishes??"
"Yes ..bring my horse, Silver, over here one more time.", the Lone Ranger replies.
Silver approaches, and the Lone Ranger whispers into his ear, "You arse! I said bring the "POSSE" fer-pete's-sake... The Possie! -- not the pussy!!"
edit : spelling (lone/long)
One has a better chance of getting struck by lightning than winning, the other is a lottery ticket
Having alcohol by yourself at home is considered a problem, but social drinking is acceptable.
So now, whenever I open a crate of White Lightning, I always log on to Facebook.
'cause you can't Shaka Zulu.
Yo mama so fat chain lightning hit her twice.
Yo mama so fat, when she logged in for first time she got the World Explorer achievement.
Yo mama so fat, she caused the Cataclysm by running to a buffet sale.
Yo mama so fat, she's immune to Death Knight's Death Grip.
Yo mama's so fat, it takes a 10 man raid of warlocks to summon her.
and are caught golfing during a lightning storm, hold it up. Because even God himself cannot hit a 1 iron.
Disclaimer: a friend of mine told me this one on the golf course today. Neither I nor he wrote this joke, just thought it was really funny.
Russia , 1951 . school teacher asked the children. Who were your fathers ? the first boy said, " driver " , the second "The Postman ." I ask a question about the third . He said, " electrician. He was wearing a helmet and helmet were two lightning . (P.s - sorry for my english :) )
Ka-ciao
Englishman says "I call mine Thunder, because she's black and roars down the road.
Scotsman says "I call mine Lightning, because she's white and streaks down the road.
Irishman says "I call mine Clitoris"
"What?" Shout the other two men
Irishman continues "yeah, she's fucking red and every cunts got one"
Shock and Awwwww
It'll be over in a flash.
Ground Beef
Cat Chow
Him "No I drive at trees"
...they'd still be operating out of a garage.
It never strikes the same place twice
Why doesn't lightning only strike in France?
It was a quick and painful discharge
He was a good conductor.
A diabetic who has been struck by lightning
I'm Thor
They say he was a great conductor.
Greeced Lightning
Never struck twice in the same place. (True story...)
Because your eyes are in front of your ears.
And charged with resisting cardiac arrest.
It was a quick and painful discharge
Lucky man is farmed 3 potato. Soon man has hit by lightning and die. Is true some have all luck, struggle finally over.
Fulgur's in his cup,
So theres an airplane flying along in a big storm with a pilot, a priest, a nun, a rabbi and a bunch of children.
Suddenly lightning strikes the engine and the plane begins to crash.
The pilot takes a parachute and jumps immediately. Leaving only three parachutes.
The nun starts screaming "The children, The Children"
The rabbi says "Fuck the children"
The Priest says "think, we got time?"
sorry if this has been posted before
Greased lightning?
...by how peaceful my game was with no one else on the course. I should do this more often!
I don't think people would have celebrated him as much for having 2 lightning bolt shaped scars on his forehead
No wonder blitzkrieg worked so well against the French
He would never thought about inventing the lightning rod.
Today's youth are getting worse. I was in a church yesterday, when i saw a guy lightning a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that i dropped my beer bottle.
Every time I see lightning I wanna know who put the clouds in charge.
You ride the lightning.
Greece Lightning.
cody, because he's a Carson
Sometimes you get zapped by lightning
The one on the bottom because he already has his shit packed and ready to go.
they think they are getting their picture taken.
Benjamin Franklinstein
Shocking, I know.
He hits into trees and large buildings very often.
...so she grounded me.
He always told me he wanted to be a conductor.
He was an excellent conductor
Being struck by an iMac.
Greece Lightning.
she can't even attract lightning.
Using a flash-light called lightning.
They never strike the same place twice.
The scientists were brainstorming.
You can just move your lightning bolt up a few inches for the funeral and fit right in.
A diabetic who's been struck by lightning.
My doctor told me I had iron deficiency
I have to bolt.
Because electricity always follows the path of least resistance
Because they're the highest things out there
Because it's made of Electreecity!
A violist's fingers never strike in the same place.
Because I follow the path of least resistance
...it gives a new meaning to "greased lightning."
I was charged with resisting cardiac arrest.
Does it hit the ground?
Is it called a Thorgasm?
Only when it's ground.
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Lightning? Well, here are the best jokes about Lightning to have fun with.