Lightning Jokes

Following is our collection of tornadoes humor and impact one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Lightning puns for adults, dirty hail jokes or clean cody gags for kids.

There is an abundance of thunderstorm jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 83 funniest jokes on lightning. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any tornado witze you can hear about lightning.

The Best jokes about Lightning

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?"

Him: "No, I hit trees."

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.


One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"


The man says, "I should have taken the money."

Having sex is like being struck by lightning

It's never happened to me, and the odds are not in my favor

The Biggest Coward

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.

The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."

The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."


I was amazed

As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.

Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?

His entire wife flashed before his eyes.

Why does lightning strike in France so often?

Because it follows the path of least resistance.

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance

Why doesn't lightning only strike in France?

An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...

...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"

If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit?

The conductor.


My wife drives like lightning.

I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.

Why is their always lightning in France?

Obviously, since lightning takes the path of least resistance.

Thor

The god of thunder is riding through the sky on his mighty stallion. With lightning crashing all around, he triumphantly screams, "I'M THOR!" His horse looks up and says, "Of courthe you are, you forgot your thaddle thilly!"

If you wrote a book about Lightning McQueen...

Is it a biography or an autobiography?

I told her I had lightning quick reflexes...

Sounds better than premature ejaculator...

Jesus vs Satan

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

Flying Blind

A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning.

The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, "The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and tell me which city we are flying over judging by what you touch."

The Frenchman goes first. He opens the door, puts his hand outside of the door, and brings it in a minute later. "We're flying over Paris! I could feel the Eiffel Tower!"

The Englishman is next. He sticks his hand outside and draws it back in a minute later. "I just touched Big Ben! We are just over London!"

Finally, it is the American's turn. He shoves his hand outside the plane and brings it back in immediately. "We're flying over Detroit. I know because my watch just got stolen."


Three samurai warriors where discussing who was the master of the sword...

As the debate heated up a fly is flying around the room.

The first samurai quickly draws his sword and chops it in two, the other two are not impressed. Another fly enters the room. The second samurai even faster than the first swing his sword and chops the wings off and the fly continues on. A third fly unfortunately finds its way in the room. Quick as lightning the third samurai draws his sword and swings. The fly continues on its way as if nothing happened. The other samurais starts laughing. With quiet dignity he puts his sword away and turns to the and says.

"Laugh all you will, but that fly will never be a dad again."

An angel appears at a faculty meeting...

... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

Me and my girlfriend have nicknames for each other; I call her thunder and she calls me lightning.

I'm lightning because I always come first

A plane passes through a fierce storm...

In a transatlantic flight, the turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse whenone wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane, "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I am going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me feel like a woman! I've had it! Is there ANYONE on the plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?!"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare riveted at the desperate woman in front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous β€” tall, built with long, flowing balck hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers: "Iron this."

I was trying the figure out how lightning works.

Then it struck me.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 killed the headphone jack with lightning

Two men are painting a church.

They are painting it blue.

They get about 1/2 way done, and realize they are running out of paint. So they add a little thinner to make it stretch.

The job got 3/4 of the way done, and they are thinking that it's still not going to be enough paint. So they add more thinner.

They get the job done and stand back to look at their work. Not surprising though is that the church is one shade of blue on one end and another shade of blue on the other.

Suddenly, the skies darken and lightning strikes! A booming voice comes from the clouds and says, "REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"

A great storm is brewing....

I was at my neice's pool party last Saturday. She got an inflatable dolphin for her birthday. We were all having a great time, when the wind started blowing a bit harder and some clouds rolled in. Over the next 10 minutes it just started getting windier and windier and the skies turned dark. In the distance we saw a flash of lightning and decided to get the kids inside.
As we were running towards the house, my niece dropped the dolphin toy and the wind got ahold of it and blew it across the yard. Fearing it would blow away and be lost forever, i frantically chased after it, but to no avail, it jumped the fence but came to rest in the neighbors rosebush. Some of the thorns had punctured the thin plastic and, upon examination, i saw air escaping through 3 small holes in the side.
"Well, I guess that deflates the porpoise."

My dads nickname is lightning.

That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.

A girl is having a date with a guy and is asking the guy if he drives well

Guy : I drive like lightning.
Girl : You drive fast?
Guy : No, I hit the trees.

A man and a priest are playing golf...

... the man is putting and misses his shot. "God damnit, I missed," the man says.
The priest tells him to not take the Lord's name in vain, or God would strike him down.
The man swings and misses again.
"God damnit, I missed."
The priest, again, reminds him that God would strike him down, if he uses the Lord's name in vain.
The man swings and misses a third time. He says, "God damnit, I missed."
All of a sudden, there's thunder and dark clouds fill the sky over the golf course. A flash of lightning strikes down from the heavens and hits the priest. A deep voice coming from the clouds says, "God damnit, I missed."

Wisdom, Beauty, or Money

At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears and tells the head of the Physics department, I will grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beautyβ€”or ten million dollars.

Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom.

There is a ash of lightning, and the professor appears transformed, but he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers, Say something.

The professor says, I should have taken the money.

I had to go to my Grandmother's funeral yesterday...

...just as the graveside service had ended, there was an almighty rumble of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning.

My Grandfather turned to the Priest and said, "well, she's there and now it's His problem!"

A woman goes to a sleazy doctor complaining that she doesn't feel very well...

Before she can say any more, he tells her to go into the other room, strip off and lay down on the bed. When he comes in, he's so taken with her beauty that he immediately starts to fondle her whole body.
Don't worry, this is quite normal, he says. I expect you know what I'm doing?
I suppose you're checking for anything unusual, she replies.
That's right, he responds, and then quick as lightning he strips off, lays on top of her and starts making love.
Do you know what I'm doing now? he asks.
Oh yes, she replies calmly. You're getting herpes. That's what I was trying to tell you earlier.

In a small Texas town,

the owner of Joe's Bar began construction on a new building to increase his business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing, he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

Jesus VS Satan

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves"

Two scared dads

Two kids are arguing over whose father was the biggest scaredy cat. Tommy says, My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bead.

Peter replies, Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.

I once went to an open air Queen concert.

It was good, but there was a terrible electrical storm during the set

Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening...

A nun and a priest

A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing.
The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap.
He's so angry, he shouts "God dammit, I missed!".
The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again.
He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God dammit, I MISSED!".
The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again.
On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD DAMMIT I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly.
Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "God dammit, I missed".

My favorite golf joke

Two guys are out golfing and a big thunderstorm rolls in. The first guy packs up his gear and starts running for the clubhouse when he sees his buddy take his 1-iron out of his bag and hold it above his head while casually walking in.

First guy says, "What are you doing?! Are you trying to get yourself killed? Don't you see all the lightning?"

"Don't worry," says the second guy, "even God can't hit a 1-iron."

What was the musician doing when he was struck by lightning?

He was conducting.

On the bright side

selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

Why do they call them thunder storms and not lightning storms?

Thunder storms just *sound* better

Bar vs Church

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church!!!

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsibility!!!

So, the judge commented,

"It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it"

Superb one.
What an irony!!

What did the lightning say to the fireworks?

Hey! You stole my thunder.

Credit to my nine year old daughter on the 4th

What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?

A handicapacitor.

The Thunder God astride his horse came riding from the sky.

A majestic sight for all to see, a Marvel for the eye!
He held aloft his hammer great, lightning flashed and thunder boomed!
"I AM THOR!" he cried.
His horse replied, "Well you forgot your thaddle, thilly."

Two friends are out playing golf...

One of them is checking out his buddy's clubs.

"Looks like a decent set-up you have there," he says. "But just one question-- why one earth do you carry a 1-iron?"

"Well, I bring that with me just in case there's a thunderstorm," the friend replies.

"What do you mean?"

"Whenever I see lightning overhead, I immediately grab my bag, run out to the center of the fairway, and hold that club straight up in the air."

Taken aback, the first guy asks, "Why would you do that!?"

"Because," his friend says, "Even God can't hit a 1-iron!"

Why does lightning always strike trees?

They are the path of leaf resistance.

I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.

It was a revolting scene.

What did the father lightning bolt do to his son when he miabehaved?

He grounded him.

A train conductor was struck by lightning 15 times and miraculously survived

It turns out he was a bad conductor

Three high school students are standing outside the school...

When they notice thunder and lighting in the distance. The French exchange student throws his hands in the air, screams, and runs away. One student asks the other, "Why did he run away like that?" To which the other replies "He knows lightning always strikes the point of least resistance."

True story, changed setting for simplicity.

What is a gamers explanation for first seeing the lightning and then hearing thunder

Lag

If lightning always takes the path of least resistance...

why doesn't it always strike France?

There was a snail who took his brand new sports car into the body shop and got a custom paint job.

He asked for racing stripes, flames, lightning bolts…you name it.
But there was one thing about the paint job the body shop owner just couldn't understand.
The snail wanted a big S on the driver's and passenger's doors.
When asked about them the snail said:
When I drive by someone at high speed I want them to say 'Look at that S-car go.'

Have you heard men get hit by lightning 6x more often than women?

The kitchen must be a very safe place

A plane gets struck by lightning

A plane is struck by lightning. A woman screams, "I'm too young to die! I want my last minutes of life to be meaningful. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up and says. "I can make you feel like a woman." He starts to walk up the aisle, slowly unbuttoning his shirt, and whispers, "Iron this."

What did the fisherman say to the lightning bolt?

"Mr. Spark, I don't reel so good"

My mind works like lightning.

One brilliant flash and it's gone.

When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.

I take the path of least resistance.

Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery.

Either way I hit the jackpot.

Serious question here...

Does Lightning McQueen get car insurance or life insurance?

Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?

He had to be honorably discharged.

What holds clouds together?

Bolts of lightning.

My sex life is like being struck by lightning.

I never thought it would happen, but when it did, it was shocking and left me a huge scar.

feeling like a woman

A plane is passing through a storm when a wing is struck by lightning. One woman freaks out and screams, "I'm too young to die! I want my last minutes of life to be satisfying. I've had plenty of sex, but I've never been fulfilled. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

A gorgeous man stands up. "I can make you feel like a woman." He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. Muscles ripple across his chest as he extends his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers, "Iron this."

so sorry girls

i caught the most incredible lightning with my camera last night, i was lucky

i survived

Blonde Execution

Three women are getting executed by firing squad for committing a crime. One is a brunette, one is a redhead, and one is blonde. First the brunette is brought up onto the stage, with the squad assembled in front of her. She is asked for her last words, and she points behind the crowd and yells, "Tornado!" Everybody turns to look, and the brunette escapes.
The next day, the redhead is brought up onto the stage to be executed, with the same setup. When asked for her last words, she yells, "Lightning!" Everybody turns to look, and the redhead escapes.
The day after that, the blonde is brought up onto the stage. She is asked for her last words, and the blonde looks behind the firing squad, and yells, "Fire!

They say men are 3 times as likely to be struck by lightning than women

Because lighting is 1/3 as likely to strike in the kitchen

Outside my school there is an unfortunate tree

It has been hit by a car, struck by lightning, and now infested with termites.

What a poor sap

What's the difference between the Denver Broncos and a lottery ticket

One has a better chance of getting struck by lightning than winning, the other is a lottery ticket

Why did Blitzkrieg work so well in France?

Because lightning always follows the path of least resistance

What did they rename the Norse god of lightning after he turned into gold and began writing books?

Author

What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?

"It was shockingly powerful... Like, it really Hertz."

So there was this king in Hawaii living in a straw thatch style palace whose hobby was collecting thrones...

Anytime some local carpenter created a new ornate chair, he had to have it for his collection. The guy was wild about them, it was his one true passion in life.

Well one day, lightning strikes during a thunderstorm and his palace burns down including his entire collection. He was crushed, never the same afterwards.

Well, you know what they say. People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Why are native South African Tribesman immune to lightning?

'cause you can't Shaka Zulu.

forever alone

Having alcohol by yourself at home is considered a problem, but social drinking is acceptable.

So now, whenever I open a crate of White Lightning, I always log on to Facebook.

You simply cannot make a dark, lengthy, joke about lightning.

It'll be over in a flash.

What happens when lightning strikes an animal shelter?

Shock and Awwwww

What does an Italian Lightning McQueen say?

Ka-ciao

In the unlikely event you have a 1 iron

and are caught golfing during a lightning storm, hold it up. Because even God himself cannot hit a 1 iron.

Disclaimer: a friend of mine told me this one on the golf course today. Neither I nor he wrote this joke, just thought it was really funny.

In class room . Russia , after the war .

Russia , 1951 . school teacher asked the children. Who were your fathers ? the first boy said, " driver " , the second "The Postman ." I ask a question about the third . He said, " electrician. He was wearing a helmet and helmet were two lightning . (P.s - sorry for my english :) )

What do you call a cow struck by lightning?

Ground Beef

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes