Lighten Up Jokes
60 lighten up jokes and hilarious lighten up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lighten up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Lighten Up Short Jokes
Short lighten up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lighten up humour may include short lighten jokes also.
- My girlfriend is always complaining that I make fun of her weight all the time. I just wish she'd just lighten up a little.
- My granddad always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing". I say "used to', he got hit by lightening.
- Whenever my mate Dave starts stuttering, I always try and lighten the mood. By pretending to scratch invisible turntables.
- I was feeling down the other day, so I threw some bleach over my Muslim friend... I thought it'd lighten Mahmood.
- When your wife is complaining about looking overweight... It's probably best to steer clear of saying, oh honey, lighten up.
- I wake up happy, slowly get angrier, then eventually start lightening up and by bedtime I've come full circle and am happy one again I've got pi-polar disorder
- I've never understood people who don't drink because it's "bad for you" Honestly, I think they should lighten up and liver little.
- Why did 2pac go to the gym? So he could become 8pac.
To clarify, my 11 year old niece told me this. Thought this sub needed to lighten up a bit. - Pyongyang launches nuclear missile following end of US election Just kidding, thought I should lighten the mood a little.
- A comment on police killing young black men. Things would get better if everyone lightened up.
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Lighten Up One Liners
Which lighten up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lighten up? I can suggest the ones about brighten up and relax.
- My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes... ...I told him to lighten up.
- To everybody that takes black jokes so seriously... Maybe you should lighten up a little.
- My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight... She needs to lighten up.
- Did you hear about the lightening bug that ran into the bug zapper? He was delighted.
- My wife hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.
- What does a cow think when it sees another cow get struck by lightening? Moo
- Why do blondes smile during lightening storms? They think their picture is being taken.
- Why did the boy want to see a thunder storm in Greece? Because Greece lightening
- What did the guy say to the offended, overweight, man? Lighten up.
- What do you call it when thunderstorms refuse to go to work? A lightening strike.
- Lightening is too slow to strike Chuck Norris.
- Why did the blonde like lightening? She thought someone was taking a picture of her.
- How do depressed people lighten' up? They drink bleach.
- What did the flashlight say to the darkness? **"Lighten up."**
Lighten Up Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about lighten up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean be more chill jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lighten up pranks.
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a
gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma´am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said:
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma´am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tired of trying to start up a conversation, said:
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said:
"You know, I hope you don´t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had s**...?"
"1955, ma´am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no s**... since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him a few times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said:
"Wow, you sure didn´t forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice:
"I hope not, it´s only 2130 now."
A priest and a nun are playing golf...
The priest is on the putting green and is an avid golfer. He lines up his shot and swings...and the ball goes far left.
"GOD d**...!" shouted the priest.
The nun, horrified, says "Father, you can't do that, that's offensive". And the priest, looking down, apologizes and asks for her forgiveness.
Once again, he walks up to the ball, lines up his shot, swings, and once again the ball misses the hole. "GOD....d**...!" screamed the priest as he threw his putter on the ground.
"Father!" said the nun, "You are taking the lords name in vain, that is a sin. You are a representative of the church you musn't do that.
And once again the priest says "Sorry. Forgive me".
"Well just try to let it not happen again" said the nun
The priest grabs his putter, lines up his next shot, misses, and screams "GOD d**...!"
The nun cries out "Father! That is enough! You are commiting a sin you are personally offending me, you are taking the lords name in vain. Never do that again"
The priest says "You're right, if I say that again, may the lord strike me dead"
And after a nod of approval from the nun, the priest takes another swing, misses once again, and screams "GOD d**...!"
Just as he says it clouds swell overhead and a powerful bolt of lightening comes down and strikes the nun dead. And the priest heard this big booming voice say....
"OH, GOD d**...!"
A priest, an Army Man, and a Teacher
A priest, an army man, and a teacher are all in a helicopter. The helicopter starts to go down, so the pilot says quick everybody through anything you have on you to lighten the chopper! So the teacher throws her apple, the priest throws his bible, and the army man throws his grenade.
The helicopter lands safely, and the army man starts walking around when he sees a little girl crying. "Little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" The little girl answers, "an apple fell out of no where and hit me in the head!"
The army man continues walking until he stumbles upon another crying girl. " little girl, little girl, why are you crying?"
The girl responds, "a bible came out of no where and hit me in the head!"
The army man is walking again and sees a little boy rolling around laughing. He walks up to the boy and asks, "little boy, little boy, why are you laughing so hard?"
The boy laughs and says, "my grandpa f**..., and the house behind him blew up!"
So yesterday I was getting a mole removed...
The dermatologist explained that since it grew back looking cancerous, they'd have to cut a bigger section out, which would require a few stitches. Anyways, the procedure is underway, and I'm laying face down as they're cutting into me. It's a little quiet so I try to lighten the atmosphere with a joke.
"You guys know that this mole spoke to me. It could actually talk!" The nurse was a little confused by this and responded, weakly "oh, really?". I said "Yeah, he used to talk to me all the time. He said I could never tell anyone that he was on my back, because 'Snitches... Get Stitches.'"
It was pretty silent after that. The doctor let out a snort/cough/chuckle after thinking about it. But I'm still not sure if the joke was worth the awkwardness.
So a rich Blonde is...
Flying over the Everglades when her private jet has a malfunction and crashes.
Having survived the c**... she graps her designer bag, puts on her $1000 shoes and stumbles over to the exit where the captain is opening the door.
taking one look over the wild swamp outside she first looks desidedly unhappy but to the captains surprise she then lightens up, turns to him and smiles.
"Oh, Well. at least they got rescue boats from LaCoste"
A priest wants to know how he can become a better priest..
.. so he asks the bishop. The bishop had only two points to make.
"Eat healthy and exorcise daily"
(Just thought of this on the can, is there any ways I can improve on it? Or do you know of any similar jokes to lighten up my day?)
If Knowledge is power..
Why cant I strike some one down with lightening after reading a book?
Best Joke
What is the best joke you've been told?
I often have patients at the hospital who ask me to tell them a joke to lighten the situation, let's here the best ones!
One last time
On a flight from London to New York, a lightening strike takes out an engine.
The pilot calmly announces "Ladies and gentleman, due to storm conditions we have lost an engine. Please dont worry, the remaining engine is fine and we will be landing at JFK in about 90 minutes."
20 minutes later another bolt of listening takes out the remaining engine and the powerless aircraft is losing altitude.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, we have lost our remaining engine, it doesn't look good, we are losing altitude and will fall into the Atlantic in approximately 10 minutes. May God have mercy on us all."
Upon hearing this, the chief stewardess bursts into the cockpit "Captain is it true?!" She says.
"Afraid so Cindy." He says.
She looks at him and tears off her blouse "Captain, before we die, make me feel like a woman one last time."
The pilot rips off his shirt, gives it to the stewardess and says to her "Here you go, iron this."
A black friend of mine...
...said he's thinking of bleaching his skin. Said our society is tilted in favor of the white man. He's tired of being downtrodden. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
I told him to lighten up.
When we get married,
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'That's very kind of you darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
Plane Trip
A plane is crashing, carrying a Mexican, A Frenchman, and an American, and the pilots need to lighten up the load. So they ask the passengers to toss unimportant items out of the aircraft. The frenchman picks up a croissant and says "we have to many of these in our country, " and throws it out the window. the Mexican picks up a Burrito and says " we have to many of these in our country," and throws it out the window. The American picks up the Mexican and says "Here, we have to many of these in our country," and throws him out the window.
A man goes on vacation...
And has his brother watch his beloved cat while he's away.
He calls his brother when he lands and asks about the cat his brother says "oh the cat died."
Devastated the man says "well next time couldn't you lighten the blow a bit?"
His brother asks how
He says "well maybe the first day I call you could say the cat got on the roof. Then the second day you could say like the fire fighters couldn't get him down. And then on the third day you could tell me."
The brother says "okay I'll keep that in mind."
The man asks" so how's mom?"
"She's on the roof"
A German, a Russian, and a Syrian are in a life raft ...
The raft is slowly sinking and the 3 castaways are afraid it will sink before they are rescued, so they start looking around for things they can dispose of to lighten the load.
The Russian takes a case of fine v**..., throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty of that in my country."
Seeing the Russian's generous gesture, the Syrian takes a bag of fine hibiscus tea, throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty in my country."
Finally, the German, seeing that it is his turn, throws the Syrian overboard and says, "We have plenty of those in my country."
I was checking out at Tesco...
I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!".
Need a joke about a refrigerator for work
I work in a refrigerator manufacturing plant and am giving a presentation next week. I would like to start out the presentation with a joke to lighten the mood. Anyone have any short, clean jokes about refrigerators?
It's often when you misjudge the situation and people's feelings and make an inappropriate joke.
I remember one winter my wife slipped on the ice outside and fell over. She came into the house with her mother and she was sat on the couch crying, more through embarrassment than the fact she was hurt (she was fine physically).
After a short time, she stopped crying and my mother-in-law said, "Is everything okay now?"
In an attempt to lighten the mood I jokingly said, "Well, has anyone checked the pavement's okay?"
There was a stony silence as tumbleweed drifted across ...
I've been banned because of drunk driving.
The workers at the go kart centre need to lighten up.
I was complaining to my friend about the racism I face every day being a person of color.
He said, Just lighten up, will you?
I was at a hospital, talking to some patients.
I tried to lighten the mood with a coronavirus joke. Barely anyone reacted at first, but eventually everyone got it. However, the Chinese guy got it right off the bat. Some people have called my joke tasteless, however. It really killed the mood. But I bet the British variation of this joke will spread much quicker!
My smart a**... mouth always gets me in trouble.
I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, who was a dwarf, approached
aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy."
I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered,
"OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?"
That's when the fight started.
An airplane joke
The pilot comes on the speaker
Pilot: "Now that we are in the air I figured I'd lighten it up with a joke. Knock knock"
Passengers "Whose there?"
Pilot: "Superman"
Passengers: "Superman who?"
Pilot: "You're at forty thousand feet, it's either me, or a really unlucky baggage handler, now open up"