JokoJokes

Light Jokes

143 light jokes and hilarious light puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about light that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Light Short Jokes

Short light jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The light humour may include short lamp jokes also.

  1. How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
    One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
  2. 3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do? They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
  3. I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home. My lighthouse, my rules.
  4. How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They're happy living in the dark
  5. If light travels faster than the speed of sound... how come I can hear the guy in the bmw behind me honk before the light turns green?
  6. How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb? All of them. Never split the party.
  7. In the beginning there was nothing. God said "Let there be light!" There was still nothing, but now you could see it.
  8. I bought my wife a fridge as an anniversary present. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
  9. A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel
    A REALIST sees a freight train
    The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks
  10. How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb? One. Because we are efficient and not very funny.

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Light One Liners

Which light one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with light? I can suggest the ones about bright and shadow.

  1. How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb? Why must it be a group activity?
  2. Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies... Delivered by crane.
  3. How many optometrist does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1... or 2?? Or 1? Or 2?
  4. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? THAT IS NOT FUNNY!
  5. How much does a rainbow weigh? Not much, they're pretty light.
  6. Bud light has always been trans... It's water that identifies as beer.
  7. how many alziemers patients does it take to change a light bulb? to get to the other side
  8. How many dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb?
  9. How did communists light their homes before candle? with light bulbs
  10. What did Britons use to light their homes before candles? Electricity.
  11. How much does a rainbow weigh? Not much, they're actually pretty light.
  12. What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
  13. How many fuq bois does it take to screw in a light bulb? None it's always lit fam
  14. How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? That's not funny
  15. Dad joke: What's blue and doesn't weigh very much? Light blue.

How Many Light Bulb Jokes

Here is a list of funny how many light bulb jokes and even better how many light bulb puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb? How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
  • How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. We are efficient and dont have humour.
  • How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb? Find out next time, on dragon Ball Z!
  • How many Karen's does it take to change a light bulb? Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness
  • How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.
  • How Many Jews Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? Who needs a light bulb when you have eight candles? Happy Chanukah, y'all.
  • How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one... But it takes 4 episodes and Krillin dies...
  • How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light has to really want to change.
    Give me your best lightbulb joke.
  • How many Excel users does it take to screw in a light bulb? Monday January 01, 1900
  • How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb? Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

Light Bulb Jokes

Here is a list of funny light bulb jokes and even better light bulb puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? Narcissists don't use light bulbs. They use gaslighting.
  • How many prepubescent teen boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? He said "screw" lolol
  • How many Congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
    Better buy a flashlight
  • How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb? We may never know the truth.
  • How many ladybugs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
  • How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
  • How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One or two?
    One....or two?
    One?........or two?
  • How many Black Lives Matters protesters does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be silly, Black Lives Matters protesters can't change anything.
  • How many minimalists does it take to change a light bulb? One
  • How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they'll all resist change even if it makes the world a brighter place.
Light joke, How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

Change Light Bulb Jokes

Here is a list of funny change light bulb jokes and even better change light bulb puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.
  • How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? None. Feminists don't change anything.
  • How many bros does it take to change a light bulb? None. They prefer Natural Light.
  • How many IT people does it take to change a light bulb? Do you have a ticket for that?
  • How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, or two? Three, or four?
  • How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? Depends. Sometimes it takes one. Sometimes it takes a Zildjian.
  • How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb? 5 days. & I'm pretty proud of myself.
  • How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't, they just shoot the room for being black.
  • How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb? 1 and 12 people to say how inspiring it was
  • How many Republicans does it take to change a light-bulb? None.
    Trump lies, tells them it was changed and they sit in the dark.

Changing Light Bulb Jokes

Here is a list of funny changing light bulb jokes and even better changing light bulb puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How many graphic designers does it take to change a light bulb? Does it have to be a light bulb? 'Cause I had this other idea...
  • How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? None. Thats what grad students are for
  • How many people with OCD does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. It *has* to be seven.
  • How man nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? It doesn't matter.
  • How many developers does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a hardware problem.
  • How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? The fact that you think that it's not society, but the light bulb that should change is problematic.
  • How many PETA memebers does it take to change a light bulb? None. PETA can't change anything.
  • How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. They just hold the bulb in place and the world revolves around them.
  • How many cops does it need to change a broken light bulb? No idea, but they beat up the room for being black and the bulb for being broke
  • How many protesters does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. Protesters never change anything.
Light joke, How many protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

Hilarious Fun Light Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter

What funny jokes about light you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dark jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make light pranks.

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"


I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."


He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?
He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."

Where do naughty rays of light go?

Prism
(Note: I made this joke up. Sorry if this little note refracts from the humour.)

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.

I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?

Q: Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?
A: The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

Click here for spoilers

Microorganisms
Humidity
Light
Heat

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).
Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.
GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

How many dead h**... does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently not three. It's still dark in my basement.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday

I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day...

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary...

I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.

A Russian goes to a watchmaker.

He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."

I tried to look up lighters in Amazon.

All they had was 13,749 matches.

A day in the life of an IT guy...

Customer: Hi, my computer isn't working.
IT guy: OK, what happens when you try to turn it on?
Customer: Nothing.
IT guy: Can you check to see if it's plugged into the outlet?
Customer: Uhhhh I dunno it's pretty dark back there...
IT guy: ...Can you turn on a light?
Customer: Nope. The power's out.

The First Rule of Fight Club...

... Is to not talk about fight club.
The second rule of fight club...
Please keep your seat belt on at all times when the light is on.

Did Santa get you that?

Cop on horse says to little g**... bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*c**... goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

What do hamsters and cigarettes have in common?

They're both perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire

Light travels faster than sound!

That's why some people appear bright until they talk.

I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm s**...".

Some days I just stay at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.

No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends.

Thoughts and prayers.

Deep.

Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel.
Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees light from incoming train.
Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track.

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

How many grammar n**... does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

A photon walks into a hotel and orders a room. The bellhop asks, Can I carry your baggage to your room for you?

The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:
"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

What not to put in one's mouth

One day, the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.
Little Johnny says, It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth.
The teacher says, That is correct, but why?
Little Johnny answers, I don't know, but my mom always tells my dad, 'Turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!'

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."
PS: it was a beam of light.
PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.

A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, Change your course, 10 degrees west.
The light signals back, Change yours, 10 degrees east.
The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, I'm a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.
The light signals back, I'm a s**... First Class. You must change your course, sir.
Now the captain is mad. He signals, I'm an aircraft carrier. I'm not changing my course.
The light signals back a final message: I'm a lighthouse. Your call.

I always take 40 or 50 lighters with me in a bag...

Not because I'll need them, but you can always use a lighter bag when hiking.
And I make sure it's not an odd number so that way it's even lighter.

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.
The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.
Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. "We kinda expected you to give out free Guiness, being from Ireland and all"
The Irish President replied: "Well, if you guys aren't giving out beer, then neither am I."

A man and a woman are talking in the office.

The man says: "I'm so tired from working, I wish I could get a day off."
The woman replies: "Don't worry, I have a way of doing that. Just watch me."
The woman proceeds to hang from a pipe.
Suddenly, the boss walks in a says: "What in the world are you doing?"
The woman replies: "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says: "You must've gone crazy from all that working, you can take the day off."
The woman leaves. The man follows.
The boss asks the man: "Where are you going?"
The man then replies: "I'm going home. I can't work in the dark."

What's green and not heavy?

Light green.
Credit to my 10 year old for this one.

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike...

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, Did Santa get you that?
Yes, replies the little girl.
Well, says the policeman, tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year, and fines her $5.
The girl looks up at the policeman and says, Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that? The policeman chuckles and replies, He sure did!
Well, says the little girl, next year, tell Santa the a**... goes on the back of the horse and not on top of it.

Cop on horse says to little g**... bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d\*c**... goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

My s**...-life is like Coca Cola....

...first it was normal, then it was light and now it's zero!

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.

This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.







*I'll fetch my coat of arms*

Why does Morrissey have trouble sleeping?

Because there's a light that never goes out.

Light joke, Why does Morrissey have trouble sleeping?

jokes about light