The Best 95 Light Jokes

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?

Why must it be a group activity?

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Feminists don't change anything.

A photon checks into a hotel.

The bellhop says "can I take your bags?"

"No," she answers, "I'm traveling light."

*(I'm new to the community, this is best I've got, I'm sorry)*

How many ladybugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

How many Congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Better buy a flashlight

Where do naughty rays of light go?

Prism

(Note: I made this joke up. Sorry if this little note refracts from the humour.)

How many bros does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They prefer Natural Light.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

That's not funny

Nerd joke

A photon walks up to an airline counter to buy a ticket and the clerk asks "any baggage to check?" The photon replies "No, I'm traveling light."

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.

I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?

Q: Why are New Yorkers always so depressed?
A: The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one... But it takes 4 episodes and Krillin dies...

How many prepubescent teen boys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

He said "screw" lolol

Just lasted over an hour in bed...

Thank you day light savings

Click here for spoilers

Microorganisms
Humidity
Light
Heat

How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. But the light bulb has to want to change.

How many dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb?

I accidentally rear ended someone at a stop light while not paying attention..

We get out to exchange information, and I notice the guy is a midget. The first thing he says is, "I'm not happy." To which I replied, "Well which one are you then?"

What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

How many dead hookers do you need to change a light bulb?

Dunno. Seven's not the answer though, my basement is still dark

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).

Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.

GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently not three. It's still dark in my basement.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

How many Black Lives Matters protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't be silly, Black Lives Matters protesters can't change anything.

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday

I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day...

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary...

I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.

what does god light his cigarettes with?

a match made in heaven .-.

How many optometrist does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1... or 2?? Or 1? Or 2?

A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."

The guy replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."

The dentist asks, "Well, then what are you doing here?"

The guy says, "Your light was on."

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We may never know the truth.

How many fuq bois does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None it's always lit fam

A Russian goes to a watchmaker.

He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."

If light travels faster than the speed of sound...

how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

In the beginning there was nothing. God said "Let there be light!"

There was still nothing, but now you could see it.

I tried to look up lighters in Amazon.

All they had was 13,749 matches.

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel...

The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel
... and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

Cigarettes are just like squirrels.

They aren't dangerous until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.

How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to tell you they are vegans.
.......
Well apparently the correct answer is three. The extra one is needed to post whiny replies when they all get triggered by this joke.

When I was a little kid, I was afraid of the dark.

But then I grew up and saw the electricity bill.

I'm now afraid of light.

The First Rule of Fight Club...

... Is to not talk about fight club.
The second rule of fight club...
Please keep your seat belt on at all times when the light is on.

Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies...

Delivered by crane.

Did Santa get you that?

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

What do hamsters and cigarettes have in common?

They're both perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire

Light travels faster than sound!

That's why some people appear bright until they talk.

I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy".

Some days I just stay at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.

How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. Because we are efficient and not very funny.

No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

If your urine looks like beer, you are likely dehydrated.

But if it looks like bud light, you're good.

In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends.

Thoughts and prayers.

Deep.

Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel.

Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.

Realist sees light from incoming train.

Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track.

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.

"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.

The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.

Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

I hate it when women turn off the light before having sex...

It makes it really difficult for me to see them through the window...

Did you know that light travels faster than sound?

That's why some people look bright until they start talking.

How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

A photon walks into a hotel and orders a room. The bellhop asks, Can I carry your baggage to your room for you?

The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday,

I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.

She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.

At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."

He ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

Why are people in New York always so sad?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is *New Jersey*

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. Never split the party.

Dad joke: What's blue and doesn't weigh very much?

Light blue.

Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs.

What not to put in one's mouth

One day, the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

Little Johnny says, It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth.

The teacher says, That is correct, but why?

Little Johnny answers, I don't know, but my mom always tells my dad, 'Turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!'

My grandpa's so cheap...

When he dies, he'll probably walk towards the light - and turn it off.

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."

PS: it was a beam of light.

PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.

For my wife's birthday I bought her the fancy new fridge that she wanted

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it

How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll all resist change even if it makes the world a brighter place.

A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, Change your course, 10 degrees west.

The light signals back, Change yours, 10 degrees east.

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, I'm a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.

The light signals back, I'm a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir.

Now the captain is mad. He signals, I'm an aircraft carrier. I'm not changing my course.

The light signals back a final message: I'm a lighthouse. Your call.

Why do most programmers use dark mode?

Because the light attracts too many bugs

What's the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire?

A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

I always take 40 or 50 lighters with me in a bag...

Not because I'll need them, but you can always use a lighter bag when hiking.

And I make sure it's not an odd number so that way it's even lighter.

How many Lithuanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, unless their arms got ripped off in some sort of horrifying accident, in which case it still only takes one, just a different one.

Why do plants use photosynthesis?

So they can have a light snack

A traffic policeman was patrolling at a signal.

A woman ran a red light, and he pulled her over.

The woman said, Please let me go! I'm a teacher.

The policeman laughed and said, Time for payback.

He hands her a notebook and a pen tells her, Write: I'll never break traffic rules again 100 times.

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

It doesn't matter how many, the light bulb has to want to change on its own

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke

The only thing that travels faster than light is...

....
...
..
.
Your weekend.

The studio is thinking of producing a remake for Green Lantern

They are waiting for the green light

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. "We kinda expected you to give out free Guiness, being from Ireland and all"

The Irish President replied: "Well, if you guys aren't giving out beer, then neither am I."