The Best 78 Lift Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Lift jokes. There are some lift rise jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these lift face lift puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Lift Jokes and Puns
What do you call an Asian guy in a lift.
You shouldn't call him names.
It's Wong on so many levels.
How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A light bulb weighs about 50g and a single ant can lift about .2g, so it takes somewhere around 250 ants working together.
What did the Wonderbra say to the regular bra?
Do you even lift?
How can you tell if someone lifts?
Don't worry, they'll tell you.
Q: How Do You Tell 2 Scottsmen Apart?
A: You lift their kilts, and whichever one has a Quarter Pounder is a McDonald!!
Have you ever been in a Schindler's Lift?
If you have, then did you ever feel that it could have carried more people?
My dad eats lightbulbs
One day these three little boys were bragging about their dads. The first little boy said, "my daddy can lift 100lbs. over his head." The second little boy said, "thats nothing my daddy can lift 200lbs. over his head." The third little boy said, "Thats nothing my daddy can eat light bulbs!" The other two little boys were like really hows that? the boy said, "Yeah i heard my daddy tell my mommy in the bed room the other night you turn that light off and I'll eat that thang!
Legs in the Air
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Sore Paws
Little Johnny calls his dad, 'Dad those two dogs over there, why is the one at the front giving the one at the back a ride?'
'Errr, hmm, well son, the one at the back has saw front paws, so the one at the front is giving him a lift home'
'It's always the same innit dad'
'What's that son?'
'You try and help someone out, you end up getting fucked!'
What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift
Some good advice on how to pick up girls
Bend at the knees and lift slowly. Avoid turning or twisting your body.
You can explore lift elevator reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean lift lifter dad jokes. There are also lift puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside?
A Lift
(only a joke, my American friends)
Why is gravity so weak?
Because it doesn't lift
How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
I'm not saying my wife is fat...
but I struggle to lift her photograph
Man goes to a wizard
A man goes to see a wizard and says:
"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"
The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."
Why is gravity the weakest of the 4 fundamental forces?
Because it doesn't even lift.
A friend and I got into a fight on a ski lift.
It was an uphill battle.
After my surgery, the doctor told me I have to pee sitting down.
He told me not to lift anything that weighs more than 10 pounds.
What do ghosts do when they're sad?
They get in an elevator to lift their spirits.
Where is the lift?
American: You mean the elevator?
English: Yes, we call it a lift.
American: It's called an elevator. We invented it.
English: And we invented the language.
A man walks up to a woman in a bar.
He puts a lime next to her. The woman asks "what this"? The man says "its a lime". The woman says "can you move that lime somewhere else"? The man says "sure".The man tries to move the lime several times but cant seem to lift it. The woman says "is something wrong"? The man says "Sorry, I am bad at pick up limes".
I got a good piece of advice for picking up girls
Just keep your back straight and lift with your legs.
So a work colleague told me that Prince died and they found his body in a lift.
Well, he was obviously coming down with something.
Naked sunbathing....
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."
Strong people don't put others down.
They lift them up and body-slam them for maximum impact.
I hurt my shoulder and doctor told me i shouldn't lift anything heavy.
So i'm forced to sit down when i pee.
Why do Americans weight lift in tank tops?
Because they like to exercise their right to bare arms.
"Lift those weights, see if I care."
Said the impersonal trainer.
I'm sitting in a bar having a drink ...
... and I see man fall down. I go over and pick him up. "Bartender, do you know where this man lives? I'll give him a lift home." He tells me where he lives. I grab the guy, pull him down to the car, put him in the car, he falls into the backseat. I get to the address, pull the man out, he falls down three more times, I pick him up each time. I knock on the door, his wife answers. I say "I brought your husband home." She says "Where's his wheelchair?"
What bird can lift the most?
A crane
I just finished deadlifting 1000 pounds off the ground.
For you Americans, that's 1275 dollars. It's my most expensive lift to date.
Vin Diesel was riding his bike at the speed of light when a man asked him for a lift.
Vin Diesel stopped for him to hop on and continued riding at the speed of light.
After a while the man asked.
Man: "So what's your name?"
Vin: "Cin Diesel"
Man: "Don't you mean Vin Diesel?"
Vin: "No it's Cin Diesel"
Man: "But why?"
Vin: "Because at the speed of light c=v"
A nun asks another
What would you do if someone with bad intentions gets ahold of you?
Nun: I would lift up my dress
Other Nun: Oh my! What would you do then?
Nun: I would ask him to put his pants down
Other Nun: Wow. I didn't expect this from you. What would you do after?
Nun: I would run away. I bet I can run faster lifting my skirt than he can with his pants down.
Why did the ghost get in the elevator?
To lift his spirits.
A man was driving along the motorway
When all of a sudden, he sees two crisps (potato chips) walking along the side of the road.
Perplexed by this and concerned for their safety he leans out and shouts "Hey! You two want a lift anywhere?", to which the crisps stopped and replied "No thanks mate, we're Walkers".
Please, don't fart in the lift...
It's wrong on so many levels.
A roofer gets to choose how to get onto the roof. He can either use a scissor lift or a series of steps between two metal poles.
He chose the ladder.
Its getting a lot easier to un-lock phones these days
Now that they've added facial recognition you don't need to lift a finger!
A tongue has no bones but it is strong enough to break a heart and..
is also strong enough to lift the pelvic bone.
Why doesn't the Math professor use the lift?
He wants to prove all floors exist and are real.
Dog Poem
I am a dog And you are a flower. I lift my leg up And give you a shower.
A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.
She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.
The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling fart. Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a pound.
I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch.
Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.
What do you call lesbian sex in an elevator
A Scissor lift
The doctor said I can't lift anything heavy for the next two weeks
I guess I gotta sit down to pee now
My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.
It is driving him up the wall.
Your mums so fat
No amount of upvotes will lift her to the top of the trending list
A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his crotch
When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a sexy woman, the hat would lift by itself."
Don't wait until you're on your death bed to tell people how you feel
You might be too weak to lift your middle finger
Two packets of crisps are strolling down the street when a car pulls alongside them...
The driver asks if they would like a lift.
The crisps say, "No thanks, we're Walkers."
I offered to give my daughter a lift to school.
"Come on," said my wife, "she's big enough to take the bus by herself."
I said, "That's harsh. She's not *that* overweight."
What do you get when you put a lift kit on a supra
Suprised
I'll see myself out.
This American woman ran up to me and said, "Help, someone robbed me as I was leaving the elevator." I said, "That's not right!"
She said, "I know, right? What shall I do?"
I said, "Start calling it a lift like normal people do."
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?
One lives in the outback, and one is a Scotsman stuck in a lift.
Anyone know how to lift a house?
My girlfriend wants me to put foundation on her face.
Why couldnt Elon Musk lift the box?
Its was too falcon heavy
I'm sorry
A man is lying on a bench
Wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift by itself."
The American man and the British man
(Not sure where I learned this one)
Once there was an American man talking to a British man. The American man was lecturing the British man, saying he was saying things wrong. He said its not lift its elevator, its not Tele its TV and its not a boot its a trunk of a car. The British man calmly said back "its not a shooting range its a school
Young man fresh out of college gets a job at a factory
When he arrives he surprised that he is assigned as junior janitor. Shocked he asks for the manager who hired him. Didn't you read I have a double major in Social Science and Anthropology
Oh says the man, I must have missed that. OK let me explain. Lift the mop up and put in the bucket, then wipe the dirty floor with it.
What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head while I give these two a lift!
(Sorry if you've heard this one before. It made me chuckle.)
A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain but she didn't speak spanish. Each time she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt up & show her thighs to allow the seller to understand.This went on for some time.
One day she wanted to buy sausages, so she made her husband go to the store with her. He then asked for sausages as he spoke spanish.
A woman with hairy armpits enters a bar..
She sits at the end of the bar and raises her arm to call the bartender and a drunkard would say, "Hey, bartender.. give the ballerina a beer on me.."
This happened two more times and the bartender finally asks, "Tell me, I'm curious.. What makes you say that the woman at the end of the bar is a ballerina? "
The drunkard shrugs and says, "Any woman that could lift her leg that high must be a ballerina."
A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"
The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."
A meathead is counting loudly in the gym as he does bench press...
1! 3! 5! 7! 9!
Another meathead:
Do you even lift bro
Meathead: Nah I only odd lift bro
To our American cousins...
Its lift, not elevators.
Cash machine not ATM.
Hospital, not business.
My face lift has gone terribly wrong.
If anyone knows of a good surgeon, I'm all ears.
What do you call a pig in an elevator?
A pork lift
Yesterday I farted in a lift.
It was wrong on so many levels.
A man was trapped under a bench press
A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says "I need to get something off my chest"
So, a man goes to see a Wizard...
and asks "Can you lift a curse a Priest put on me years ago?"
Maybe, says the wizard. Can you remember the Priests exact words ?
Yes replied the man, they were "I now pronounce you Man and Wife"
Why is the forklift operator at the distillery you own always so nice to you?
Because it's his job to lift your spirits.
An exercise for people who are not in good shape.
Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
I was driving to work yesterday, when I spotted Usain Bolt on the sidewalk. I rolled the window down and offered him a lift.
He said 'No thanks, I'm in a rush.'
Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg
That way you will start off the new year on the right foot
Don't forget tonight, just before midnight, to lift your left foot, and don't put it back down until after the clock strikes midnight...
So you can start 2021 on the right foot!
Two guys are playing golf.
They're near a road.
One of the guys put a tee in the ground put his golfbal on it and takes his club.
He looks at his ball, begins to lift his club to make a swing when a funeral procession passes on the road.
The guy immediately stops what he's doing and takes a minute of silence untill the funeral procession has gone.
The other one is impressed and says to the guy:
"Damn that's some mark of respect you just showed there".
And the guy replies.
"That's normal. we were maried for 10 years after all."
Sorry for my english
Netflix's latest movie.
Netflix have released a powerful new film set in the 18th century about a princess who's cursed by non-stop menstruation . The witch who cursed her says she has before the age of 21 to lift the curse by falling in love.
Honestly, it's a fantastic period drama.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the lift boost jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working lift tenderly piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.