Lifetime Jokes

I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays last week...

I won't be doing that again.

I took a job as a s**... bomber yesterday.

I guess you could say it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Give a man a fire and he is warm for a day

Set a man on fire and he is warm for a lifetime.

Did you hear about the man who won a lifetime supply of m**... Lotion.

He hit the jackpot.

Helium is a limited resource and we could run out of it in our lifetime...

Balloon prices are going to go sky high.

I've just been on a once in a lifetime holiday...

Never again.
Cr

Dean of Women...

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on s**... morality.
We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation, she said, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?

How can i convince my Buddhist friend that he owes me money from 3 lifetimes ago?

How do you make a Welshman fall asleep?

Ask him how much s**... he's had in his lifetime.

Skydiving without a parachute...

Is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I heard this on a spotify ad and it cracked me up. I thought I'd share it.:)

I don't know why people get so upset about the death penalty

It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, after all.

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish....

And a Bass Pro Shop salesman will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a man to build a fire and he'll be warm for a night.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for a lifetime.

My gym just sold me a lifetime gym membership for our unborn baby.

I hope it works out.

Beethoven must've hated his music...

Sure he spent a lifetime composing, but so far he's spent centuries decomposing.

Programming is like s**...

One mistake and you're providing support for a lifetime.

Have you ever tried sky diving without a parachute?

It's a once in a lifetime experience

After a lifetime of a clean-shaven face, I wasn't sure I'd like having a beard.

But it grew on me.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime.

Give a man a monthly subscription of fish delivery right to his home, profit.

I have the heart of a saint

And a lifetime ban from Mother Teresa's grave.

What's the difference between a bot and a Trump supporter?

A bot has a chance of reacing self-awareness in our lifetime.

What do you call an Ethiopian's birthday?

A once in a lifetime opportunity.

I recommend everyone to go swimming with piranhas.

It's a once in a lifetime experience.

I got the eye of the tiger

... and a lifetime ban from my local zoo.

Doing a s**... attack is...

...a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

What's worse than getting 7 years of bad luck from breaking a mirror?

Getting a lifetime of bad luck from breaking a c**....

Teach a man to fish and he will have food for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will complain about how fishing is male-dominated.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday ...

I'll tell you what, never again.

Give a man a program, and frustrate him for a day.

Teach a man to program, and frustrate him for a lifetime.

Motorcycle will last you a lifetime

if you ride it fast enough.

You've heard of "to teach a boy to fish... "

The old saying goes "you give a man a fish he eats for a day, but teach him to fish he eats for his lifetime." In the military they tell privates the same thing but a little differently.
It goes "you make a fire for a soldier, he's warm for the night. You light the soldier on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life."

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.

Never. Again.

I have the heart of a lion

and a lifetime distrust towards my heart surgeon.

Don't worry, you can trust my parachutes.

They've got a lifetime guarantee.

My mate bought a new suitcase

My mate bought a new suitcase advertised as 'indestructible!', with a lifetime guarantee.
One week later one of the wheels broke clean off and the case would fall over when being used.
He tried to return his broken suitcase but the company refused to deal with him.
'Im going to sue!' my friend said angrily
I told him I would too but I was afraid his case wouldn't stand up in court.

My friend decided to skydive without a parachute

I didn't hear from him after that, but someone told me he had a once in a lifetime experience.

my great great grandmother has eyes of a hawk

she also has a lifetime ban on the bird park

Teach a man to fish, and he will have food for a lifetime...

but teach a man to ghoti, and he will end up becoming a linguist.

If you could save a child from a horrible disease and a lifetime of misery, or have a light saber...

what color would you pick?

Give a man a fish...

He eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime. Give the man some dynamite and there will be little chunks of fish all over the village.

I just got a lifetime ban for spreading my wife's remains around Disney World

Guess we should of had her cremated first

Teach a man to joke and he'll be funny for a lifetime,

tell a man a joke and he'll repost it every day.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.

I was arrested for not believing in reincarnation.

I got three lifetime sentences.

My friend went skydiving with a secondhand parachute.

It was a once in a lifetime experience.

By then end of my lifetime, I will have cause tens of thousands of ejaculations.

Single-handedly.

What do you get when you insert huma DNA into a goat?

A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.

So, the make a wish foundation arrives at a hospital room

They talk to the child laying there,
are you ready for the surprise of a lifetime
The kid in a raspy voice replies, So a short one?

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. ..

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Give a man a fish laced with potassium cyanide, and you feed him for a lifetime.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer with depression in their lifetime

Does that mean one actually enjoys it?

Lifetime Investment

This morning I heard someone shouting loudly on a megaphone outside my window. Saying "If you invest $15.00 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".
I went out onto the balcony with curiosity and saw the idiot, he was selling chairs..

Everyone should listen to talking heads

or at least once in a lifetime

My Grandad is a truly special man

He has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh Zoo.

Give a robot a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a robot to fish, feed him for a lifetime.
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Teach a robot to teach other robots to fish, you're out of a job.

Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost for a lifetime

What do yo get if you're inducted into the serial killer hall of fame?

A lifetime dismembership.