The Best 85 Lifetime Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Lifetime jokes. There are some lifetime frustrate jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these lifetime eternity puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Lifetime Jokes and Puns
I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays last week...
I won't be doing that again.
A Vampire died and was in the process of being reincarnated...
They asked him, "What would you like to have in your next lifetime?"
"Drinking blood is good but I don't like hunting, ideally I'd like to have a easy supply of fresh blood."
"Alright."
"I also like turning into a bat and flying, so let me retain wings.", he said.
"Noted."
"One last thing, my dark complexion seems to scare people too much, can I turn into something white?"
"Sure thing."
**Poof**
He became a maxi pad.
Give a man a fire and he is warm for a day
Set a man on fire and he is warm for a lifetime.
Did you hear about the man who won a lifetime supply of Marijuana Lotion.
He hit the jackpot.
Helium is a limited resource and we could run out of it in our lifetime...
Balloon prices are going to go sky high.
I've just been on a once in a lifetime holiday...
Never again.
Cr
Why don't old people like shopping at Costco?
Because anything they buy is likely to be a lifetime supply.
Dean of Women...
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation, she said, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?
How do you make a Welshman fall asleep?
Ask him how much sex he's had in his lifetime.
Skydiving without a parachute...
Is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I heard this on a spotify ad and it cracked me up. I thought I'd share it.:)
Why'd the farmer win the lifetime achievement award?
Because he was always out standing in his field.
You can explore lifetime greatness reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean lifetime achievement dad jokes. There are also lifetime puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A lifetime supply of McDonalds is actually pretty short
What do you get when you put human DNA in a monkey?
A lifetime ban from the Zoo
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway and that even if she didn't, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish....
And a Bass Pro Shop salesman will eat for a lifetime.
Tell a sad story in 4 words
Lifetime Cleveland Browns fan
Teach a man to build a fire and he'll be warm for a night.
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for a lifetime.
My gym just sold me a lifetime gym membership for our unborn baby.
I hope it works out.
My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't
The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.
Beethoven must've hated his music...
Sure he spent a lifetime composing, but so far he's spent centuries decomposing.
Programming is like sex
One mistake and you're providing support for a lifetime.
I have the eyes of a hawk, the ears of a fox…
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Have you ever tried sky diving without a parachute?
It's a once in a lifetime experience
After a lifetime of a clean-shaven face, I wasn't sure I'd like having a beard.
But it grew on me.
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime.
Give a man a monthly subscription of fish delivery right to his home, profit.
I have the heart of a saint
And a lifetime ban from Mother Teresa's grave.
how much is a life-time supply of fast food?
Not much.
What's the difference between a bot and a Trump supporter?
A bot has a chance of reacing self-awareness in our lifetime.
What do you call an Ethiopian's birthday?
A once in a lifetime opportunity.
Teach a human to fish and you'll feed them for a lifetime...
Teach a fish to human and you've got a scientific breakthrough.
Slavery is such an ugly word...
I prefer the term lifetime unpaid internship.
My father has the heart of a lion...
And also a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I recommend everyone to go swimming with piranhas.
It's a once in a lifetime experience.
I got the eye of the tiger
... and a lifetime ban from my local zoo.
Contest Emcee: Congratulations! You just won a lifetime supply of Ramen Noodles!
Me: Can I just take the $20 instead?
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime
Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
What's worse than getting 7 years of bad luck from breaking a mirror?
Getting a lifetime of bad luck from breaking a condom.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.
Teach a man to fish and he will have food for a lifetime.
Teach a feminist to fish and she will complain about how fishing is male-dominated.
When I went to Heavan...
I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him
Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan
Skydiving without a parachute
Is a once in a lifetime experience!
Give a man a program, and frustrate him for a day.
Teach a man to program, and frustrate him for a lifetime.
I wish my parents would have named me "Sale"
I'd have a lifetime supply of free homes & cars...
Motorcycle will last you a lifetime
if you ride it fast enough.
You've heard of "to teach a boy to fish... "
The old saying goes "you give a man a fish he eats for a day, but teach him to fish he eats for his lifetime." In the military they tell privates the same thing but a little differently.
It goes "you make a fire for a soldier, he's warm for the night. You light the soldier on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life."
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never. Again.
In case your parachute does not open
You have a lifetime ahead of you to fix it.
I've just had a once in a lifetime experience.
I won't be doing that again.
I have the heart of a lion
and a lifetime distrust towards my heart surgeon.
My mate bought a new suitcase
My mate bought a new suitcase advertised as 'indestructible!', with a lifetime guarantee.
One week later one of the wheels broke clean off and the case would fall over when being used.
He tried to return his broken suitcase but the company refused to deal with him.
'Im going to sue!' my friend said angrily
I told him I would too but I was afraid his case wouldn't stand up in court.
My friend decided to skydive without a parachute
I didn't hear from him after that, but someone told me he had a once in a lifetime experience.
my great great grandmother has eyes of a hawk
she also has a lifetime ban on the bird park
If you could save a child from a horrible disease and a lifetime of misery, or have a light saber...
what color would you pick?
Give a man a fish...
He eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime. Give the man some dynamite and there will be little chunks of fish all over the village.
I just got a lifetime ban for spreading my wife's remains around Disney World
Guess we should of had her cremated first
Teach a man to joke and he'll be funny for a lifetime,
tell a man a joke and he'll repost it every day.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
Last night I bought my friend a lifetime supply of Peach Ice Cream
He has cancer, in Hospice, and the Doctors have given him two weeks tops.
I remember once I was forced to choose between Dwayne Johnson and a lifetime supply of frozen fish.
I was stuck between a Rock and a hard plaice.
By then end of my lifetime, I will have cause tens of thousands of ejaculations.
Single-handedly.
I won a lifetime supply of calendars!
But so far they've only sent me two and a half.
When our little girl was sick in hospital we bought her a lifetime supply of crayons.
It cost $3.
What do you get when you insert huma DNA into a goat?
A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.
So, the make a wish foundation arrives at a hospital room
They talk to the child laying there,
are you ready for the surprise of a lifetime
The kid in a raspy voice replies, So a short one?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. ..
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Give a man a fish laced with potassium cyanide, and you feed him for a lifetime.
If 4 out of 5 people suffer with depression in their lifetime
Does that mean one actually enjoys it?
Lifetime Investment
This morning I heard someone shouting loudly on a megaphone outside my window. Saying "If you invest $15.00 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".
I went out onto the balcony with curiosity and saw the idiot, he was selling chairs..
Everyone should listen to talking heads
or at least once in a lifetime
My Grandad is a truly special man
He has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh Zoo.
Give a robot a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a robot to fish, feed him for a lifetime.
Teach a robot to teach other robots to fish, you're out of a job.
Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day
Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost for a lifetime
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
What do yo get if you're inducted into the serial killer hall of fame?
A lifetime dismembership.
I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
My grandfather has the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban on the zoo
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion,
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I met a vampire who has done terrible things throughout his lifetime.
How can even look at himself in the mirror ?
When Katy Perry has the eye of the tiger it's inspiring and motivational
But when I have it all of a sudden I'm endangering animals and have a lifetime ban from the zoo
A man is planning on taking a vacation but is afraid of flying
He is afraid of someone bombing the plane, so he asks a statistician what the odds are of a bomb being on a plane. He says the odds are one in a million and he shouldn't worry about it.
He asks what the odds of 2 bombs being on the same plane are, and the statistician says the odds are so low it will probably never happen to anyone in the mans lifetime.
A month later they run into each other and the statistician asks if the man ever took his vacation. He says yes. The statistician asks how he got over his fear of flying and the mans says, it was easy. Every time I board a plane, I bring a bomb with me.
I have the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban at the zoo
Give a Redditor an upvote and he'll be happy for a day.
Suspend a man's Reddit account and he'll be happy for a lifetime.
Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once
Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Teach 100 men to fish, you're the single biggest threat to our ecosystem.
Teach a man a joke and he will laugh for a day
Teach a redditor a joke and they will repost it for a lifetime!
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Its cake and y'all know the rules!
My dad has the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the lifetime humans jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working lifetime syphilis piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.