Lifetime Jokes
143 lifetime jokes and hilarious lifetime puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lifetime that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Just how long can lifetime jokes last? Whether we are talking about a Lifetime movie, a Lifetime Achievement Award, or the idea that greatness will outlive us all—unpaid—there are many hilarious musings on what it means to last a lifetime. Read on to learn more!
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Funniest Lifetime Short Jokes
Short lifetime jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lifetime humour may include short longevity jokes also.
- Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime
- I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
- Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
- Have you heard about that new fad of skydiving without a parachute? It's a once in a lifetime opportunity.
- My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.
- Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day. Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime.
It's cake and y'all know the rules! - Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime Teach a man to teach, and well, at least he knows how to fish
- Teach a human to fish and you'll feed them for a lifetime... Teach a fish to human and you've got a scientific breakthrough.
- What do you get when you cross a bat and a man? A ban. Specifically, a lifetime ban from the genetics labs, as well as a visit from the ethics committee.
- Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Teach 100 men to fish, you're the single biggest threat to our ecosystem.
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Lifetime One Liners
Which lifetime one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lifetime? I can suggest the ones about legacy and licence.
- I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle... ..and a lifetime ban from the zoo. 😕
- My grandfather has a heart of a tiger. He also has a lifetime ban at the zoo.
- Slavery is such an ugly word... I prefer the term lifetime unpaid internship.
- Tell a sad story in 4 words Lifetime Cleveland Browns fan
- I've just had a once in a lifetime experience. I won't be doing that again.
- A lifetime supply of mcdonalds is actually pretty short
- Eggs and bacon A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime's commitment for a pig.
- Skydiving without a parachute Is a once in a lifetime experience!
- How can i convince my Buddhist friend that he owes me money from 3 lifetimes ago?
- How long does it take for someone to die? A lifetime.
- how much is a life-time supply of fast food? Not much.
- Motorcycle will last you a lifetime if you ride it fast enough.
- I recommend everyone to go swimming with piranhas. It's a once in a lifetime experience.
- I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime distrust towards my heart surgeon.
- I have the heart of a saint And a lifetime ban from Mother Teresa's grave.
Lifetime Supply Jokes
Here is a list of funny lifetime supply jokes and even better lifetime supply puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When our little girl was sick in hospital we bought her a lifetime supply of crayons. It cost $3.
- Contest Emcee: Congratulations! You just won a lifetime supply of Ramen Noodles! Me: Can I just take the $20 instead?
- Last night I bought my friend a lifetime supply of peach Ice Cream He has cancer, in Hospice, and the Doctors have given him two weeks tops.
- I wish my parents would have named me "Sale" I'd have a lifetime supply of free homes & cars...
- I remember once I was forced to choose between Dwayne Johnson and a lifetime supply of frozen fish. I was stuck between a Rock and a hard plaice.
- Why don't old people like shopping at Costco? Because anything they buy is likely to be a lifetime supply.
- I won a lifetime supply of calendars! But so far they've only sent me two and a half.
- If you had to choose between having a love life, or a lifetime supply of pudding: How much chocolate pudding would you eat that first day?
- I won a lifetime supply of rope yesterday It's 10 feet long!
- Congradulations, you have won a lifetime-supply of batteries from He Man's new company: The Power of Greyskull
Lifetime Achievement Award Jokes
Here is a list of funny lifetime achievement award jokes and even better lifetime achievement award puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There should be an award show called "The Rapeys." Cosby would be up for Lifetime Achievement.
Great Lifetime Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about lifetime you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lifelong jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lifetime pranks.
A old woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.
“There is no hurry,” she told the clerk, “just so the package is delivered in my lifetime.”
He glanced at her and said, “That will be $3.95, please.”
It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I estimate I have enough energy to attend two more social events in my lifetime.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I showed my grandad how to use YouTube and he was blown away. He was like, "I never would've imagined seeing something like this in my lifetime"
It took everything in me not to show him Pornhub.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion...
...and a lifetime of pain from the surgery.
The bear and the rabbit
A rabbit is minding his own business when a random bear comes and treat ens to eat the rabbit. The bear chases the rabbit until they find a magic lamp and they decide to rub it together. The expected gene appears and let's them both have 3 wishes each. The bear goes first and says " I wish for all the other bears in the forest to be females" and it was done. The rabbit then wishes for a lifetime supply of carrots at his house and it is granted. The bear then says " I want all the other bears in the country to be female" and it is granted. The rabbit's second wish is for a rabbit sized motorcycle and it is granted. Now the bear very confused about why the rabbit is wishing for such small things says " And for my last wish, I want all the other bears in the world to be female!". The gene grants the wish. The rabbit then says with a smile on his face "I wish that bear was gay." then drives off in his motorcycle.
I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays last week...
I won't be doing that again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I took a job as a s**... bomber yesterday.
I guess you could say it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Vampire died and was in the process of being reincarnated...
They asked him, "What would you like to have in your next lifetime?"
"Drinking blood is good but I don't like hunting, ideally I'd like to have a easy supply of fresh blood."
"Alright."
"I also like turning into a bat and flying, so let me retain wings.", he said.
"Noted."
"One last thing, my dark complexion seems to scare people too much, can I turn into something white?"
"Sure thing."
**p**...**
He became a m**... pad.
Give a man a fire and he is warm for a day
Set a man on fire and he is warm for a lifetime.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the man who won a lifetime supply of m**... Lotion.
He hit the jackpot.
Helium is a limited resource and we could run out of it in our lifetime...
Balloon prices are going to go sky high.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dean of Women...
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on s**... morality.
We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation, she said, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?
it took the farmer a lifetime to find another cow to love...
but he couldn't find an udder
The female praying mantis devours her male within minutes of mating, whereas ...
the female human stretches it out over a lifetime!
Skydiving without a parachute...
Is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I heard this on a spotify ad and it cracked me up. I thought I'd share it.:)
I don't know why people get so upset about the death penalty
It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, after all.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Teach a man to build a fire and he'll be warm for a night.
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for a lifetime.
My gym just sold me a lifetime gym membership for our unborn baby.
I hope it works out.
Beethoven must've hated his music...
Sure he spent a lifetime composing, but so far he's spent centuries decomposing.
I Just Bought A New 9MM With A Lifetime Warranty!
It's a Craftsman!
Cooking is great
You create something that only lasts a few seconds, but the memory last a lifetime.
Like a stillbirth
After a lifetime of a clean-shaven face, I wasn't sure I'd like having a beard.
But it grew on me.
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime.
Give a man a monthly subscription of fish delivery right to his home, profit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Teach a man to fish...
and he'll eat for a lifetime. Teach a fish to man and he'll never fit in.
What's the difference between a bot and a Trump supporter?
A bot has a chance of reacing self-awareness in our lifetime.
What do you call an Ethiopian's birthday?
A once in a lifetime opportunity.
I got the eye of the tiger
... and a lifetime ban from my local zoo.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doing a s**... attack is...
...a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Teach a man to fish and he will have food for a lifetime.
Teach a feminist to fish and she will complain about how fishing is male-dominated.
When I went to Heavan...
I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him
Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan
Give a man a program, and frustrate him for a day.
Teach a man to program, and frustrate him for a lifetime.
Once in a lifetime opportunity…
Unknown: Define once in a lifetime opportunity.
Unknown: A mosquito, landing on your wife's face.
Once in a lifetime
What is once in a lifetime opportunity?
A mosquito sitting on your wife's face.:😛
miss piggy
What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig? A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You've heard of "to teach a boy to fish... "
The old saying goes "you give a man a fish he eats for a day, but teach him to fish he eats for his lifetime." In the military they tell privates the same thing but a little differently.
It goes "you make a fire for a soldier, he's warm for the night. You light the soldier on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dryer kidnapped my socks and held them for ransom
But I refused to comply, and the poor little b**... were forced to reproduce for months. I now have a lifetime supply.
Don't worry, you can trust my parachutes.
They've got a lifetime guarantee.
My mate bought a new suitcase
My mate bought a new suitcase advertised as 'indestructible!', with a lifetime guarantee.
One week later one of the wheels broke clean off and the case would fall over when being used.
He tried to return his broken suitcase but the company refused to deal with him.
'Im going to sue!' my friend said angrily
I told him I would too but I was afraid his case wouldn't stand up in court.
How long will it take to lose your mind?
A lifetime
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I received an email from an Egyptian prince about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
He offered me a position doing construction on Egyptian tombs. Turned out it was just a pyramid scheme.
My friend decided to skydive without a parachute
I didn't hear from him after that, but someone told me he had a once in a lifetime experience.
Give a man a stick of gum and he'll chew for a day.
Teach him how to scrape gum off things and he'll chew for a lifetime.
my great great grandmother has eyes of a hawk
she also has a lifetime ban on the bird park
I was at a wedding and told the groom this is a BIG day, a once in a lifetime thing... He replies, I hope so...
Teach a man to fish, and he will have food for a lifetime...
but teach a man to ghoti, and he will end up becoming a linguist.
Fact: You eat 28 Spiders in your lifetime
Always 28. If you're about to die and you've only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Give a man a fish...
He eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime. Give the man some dynamite and there will be little chunks of fish all over the village.
I just got a lifetime ban for spreading my wife's remains around Disney World
Guess we should of had her cremated first
Teach a man to joke and he'll be funny for a lifetime,
tell a man a joke and he'll repost it every day.
What do you get when you cross a forest with an AK-47?
A lifetime ban from Yosemite.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
I was arrested for not believing in reincarnation.
I got three lifetime sentences.
Today I found out that I'm a fantastic butcher,
but I still don't get why I was arrested and then giving a lifetime ban from the pet store.
You know what's great about a noose?
It lasts a lifetime.
Whats the similarity between between a cow and 9/11?
Americans can milk them for a lifetime
Mark Zuckerberg says that people should read these 23 books during their lifetime
\#1 A Robots Guide to Acting Human
Had a job interview with The Alliance for Lifetime Income...
Forgot to ask about the retirement plan
I'm not playing the lottery in my lifetime.
The only time I've got several numbers is at a Valentine's Day night out.
