Lifelong Jokes
34 lifelong jokes and hilarious lifelong puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lifelong that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article introduces the concept of lifelong jokes – jokes that stay with us throughout our lifetime, even from when we were embryos. Find out why they may be an important part of maintaining friendships and how to use them as a tool for lifelong learning.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Lifelong Short Jokes
Short lifelong jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lifelong humour may include short longtime jokes also.
- My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party.. I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.
- Yul Brynner was a lifelong liverpool fan who didn't wear aftershave Yul never wore cologne
- On her wedding day... Your soon-to-be wife is focused on three things: the aisle, the altar, and you. That then becomes her lifelong mantra.
Aisle altar you. - Jeff Bezos worked long, difficult hours for little pay to fulfill his lifelong dream... ...of making other people work long, difficult hours for little pay.
- What do you call two life-long best friends that also happen to be food critics? Taste buds.
- I've finally achieved my lifelong dream of becoming a stand-up comedian Thank you prosthetic legs!
- After five years of living in utter despair, a young man finally found the key to lifelong happiness. It was Prozac.
- My grandmother, a life-long abstract artist, has dementia. For the longest the family couldn't be sure of her mental illness, but eventually we all saw the landscape.
- It's impossible to rekindle an old flame... ... the restraining order and lifelong lighter ban saw to that.
- A life-long politician and an orange are on stage in front of millions of Americans. What do they do? They start insulting each other.
Share These Lifelong Jokes With Friends
Lifelong One Liners
Which lifelong one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lifelong? I can suggest the ones about long term and everlasting.
- My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving! This is a new low...
- What plant bears fruit & is afraid of lifelong commitment? Cantaloupe
- Google can result in a lifelong addiction I guess you could call it a chromic disease
- If I was to ever fulfil my life-long dream and become an astronaut I'd be over the moon!
- What's the shortest lifelong sentence? I do.
- What do you call a lifelong drag queen? Tuck Everlasting
Witty Lifelong Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about lifelong you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean longevity jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lifelong pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The guys go to the f**... of their life-long pal...
After a long eulogy and some beautiful music, the guys are overcome with emotion. The first guy walks up to the casket of his buddy.
"I know it's just a small token, but for everything you've ever done for me, buddy, all the times you helped me out. This is the least I could do."
He tucks a $50 bill into his buddy's tuxedo pocket, and he staggers away sobbing.
The second man, inspired by the gesture, walks up and places his own $50 bill in his buddy's pocket. "For all the beers you bought me, that I never had a chance to pay you back for." And he staggers away sobbing.
The third man, a lawyer, not to be out-done, says, "I know it's just a small gesture, but for all the times you've been there for me when I needed you, here's a token of my gratitude."
And he writes a check for $150, and takes the two fifties in change.
On His Deathbed
On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats. I can't believe you're doing this. said his friend. For your entire life you're been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now? Because I'd rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.
A couple are having marital difficulties,
...and the wife suggests they see a marriage counsellor.
At their first session the counsellor asks the couple to explain to each other how they feel about their marriage.
The wife says: We are at a crossroads. To the left is bitterness, resentment, divorce and a life of unhappiness. To the right is reconciliation, love and lifelong happiness.
The husband says: I think you'll find that's a T-junction.
My close friend Elaine went to a party
dressed as an Egg and made out with a guy who was dressed as a Chicken.
She told me later that a lifelong question was answered that night. It was the chicken.
Relationships are a progression of 4 rings.
First is the "Friendship" ring, when dating is exclusive, but there's no more commitment
Second is the Engagement ring, when two people are so in love that they want to get married.
Third is the Wedding ring, worn when two people make a life-long commitment to each other during a ceremory attended by their friends.
Fourth and finally - is the Suffering. Starts about a year after Step 3.
I used to think I was smart, a life-long learner.
Turns out I'm just confused all the time.
Day in court
In the traffic court of a large city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to the judge that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judge's eye.
You're a schoolteacher, hum? he said. Ma'am, today I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Sit down at the table and write 'I went through a red light' 500 times!
The impossible wish
A guy saves a frog from a forest fire. The frog turns out to be a magical frog, and is very grateful to the man for having saved its life. So the frog offers to grant him three wishes. The man says, Great. So I want: 1. Lifelong access to any cinema, 2. I want to be 10 years younger and 3. I want a highway that goes straight from here to Hawaii. I'm happy to help you but the third wish is really difficult. You'll have to wish for something else instead of that third wish, says the frog. OK, agrees the man reluctantly, in that case I'd like to finally understand women. - The frog looks at him for a while: And should the highway be a three-lane or a four-lane one?
There are really much easier ways to secure a lifelong appointment.
Like signing up with Comcast.
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks him why he ordered three shots.
"My life-long friends and I have a tradition. We grew up together but have since gone our separate ways. One is in England and one in the USA, but we each go into a bar on the same day every year and order three shots of whiskey. It's as if we are drinking them together."
He then drinks the shots and leaves the bar. The next couple years, he returns and does the same.
Then, one year the man returns but only orders two shots. He drinks them both.
"I can't help but notice you only ordered two shots," the bartender said. "It appears you must have lost one of your friends. My condolences."
"Oh no," the Irishman said. "Those chaps are doing fine. I just quit drinking, that's all."
"You won't be able to stop me this time, Captain Food Saver,"
shouted The Moldy Bread at his arch nemesis, who was very tightly bound.
"Ah ha! But there's where you're wrong, Moldy! I brought along an old weapon that you've forgotten about..."
The Moldy Bread ignored the Captain, stating, "It's too late! I've already started up my Mold Machine! My lifelong purpose will finally be fulfilled when all of the world's bread is moldy! Muahahahaha!"
The great sci-fi-looking cannon started whirring and humming. At the last possible moment before the machine fired, Captain Food Saver burst through his bonds and threw a small and very thin sheet of metal in front of the cannon. The blast reflected off the surface of the metal, and back into the cannon, making it collapse in on itself into a rotten and damp pile.
Devastated, The Moldy Bread shouted, "Curse you Captain Food Saver! My plan was foiled again!"
A catholic comedian was a big fan of John Paul II when he was pope...
and it was his lifelong dream to make the pope laugh with one of his jokes.
It's not easy to get an audience with the pope, but the man becomes successful and his admiration for the pope becomes known, and eventually he does it. He get's an audience.
He's so excited. He kisses the ring and everything and then decides to go right for his best joke. "Ok, your holiness... See, there was this Polish guy and--"
John Paul II cut him off there, and gently says, "Son, you must know. I'm Polish."
The man is horrified and embarrassed and stutters out apologies.
The pope is very gracious and just tells him to start again.
So the comedian takes a deep breath and slowly says, "Okay... There... Was... This... Polish... Guy..."
