Lifeguard Jokes
72 lifeguard jokes and hilarious lifeguard puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lifeguard that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for funny lifeguard jokes to make you laugh? Then check out this collection of jokes about lifeguards, surfs,triathlons, lifejackets and more. Read on and enjoy our funny collection of jokes and humorous musings about lifeguards.
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Funniest Lifeguard Short Jokes
Short lifeguard jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lifeguard humour may include short life guard jokes also.
- I saw someone waving but didn't wave back because I wasn't sure if they were waving at me or the guy behind me. An hour later I got fired as a lifeguard
- I was having a quick wee in the deep end of the swimming pool when the lifeguard blew his whistle. It was so loud I nearly fell in.
- I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.
- I got caught peeing in the pool the other day The lifeguard yelled at me so loud that I almost fell in.
- I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.
"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.
"But not while standing on the diving board!" - I had to pee really bad at the swimming pool yesterday, so I tried to sneak it in at the deep end... But the lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.
- I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today...
The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I almost fell in. - I tried to sneak a quick pee in the public pool today but I think the lifeguard saw me. He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
- Some lifeguard kicked me out of the pool for peeing in it. I told him everyone does it. He told me not off the diving board
- Why did the lifeguard fail to rescue the hippie drowning in the ocean? Because he was too far out, man.
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Lifeguard One Liners
Which lifeguard one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lifeguard? I can suggest the ones about swimmer and security guard.
- The lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool. I was so startled, I almost fell in.
- Got caught peeing in the pool The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
- Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far-out.
- I used to be a lifeguard at a public pool.... Until this blue kid got me fired.
- I got caught peeing in a pool today. The lifeguard yelled so loud, I almost fell in!
- Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy from drowning? Because he was too far out, man.
- Why couldn't the lifeguard at the beach save the hippie? He was too far out
- What did the lifeguard say to the hippie? "Hey man, you're too far out!"
- Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out man
- Yo mama was so fat, Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
- So I was peeing in the pool yesterday. The lifeguard hollered so loud, I almost fell in!
- Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out, man!
- Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Cause he was too far out, man.
- I got caught peeing in a pool once The Lifeguard yelled so hard I almost fell in
- Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too faaaaar ouuut, man.
Humorous Lifeguard Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about lifeguard you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bodyguard jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lifeguard pranks.
The German Lifeguard
A group of friends were on a boat in Munich when the hull was breached.
They quickly called for the German Life Guard yelling "Help we're sinking!"
The Life Guard asked "Ja, vat are you sinking about?"
Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...
And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.
"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."
"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.
"Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!"
She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National Cemetery if ya can do that fer me."
"Why does a young woman like you want a burial plot at the cemetery?"
"Because" she said, "When my friends and family find out what I just did they'll kill me!"
Little Jimmy at the Pool
Jennifer the lifeguard tells Jimmy to stop peeing in the pool. Little 6 year old Jimmy replies that everbody pees in the pool. Jennifer says that yes people do, but not from the diving board...
I was on my way to becoming a lifeguard...
When some blue kid got me fired.
A lifeguard blows his whistle at a little boy and asks him to come over...
He says to the boy, "Hey, you're not allowed to pee in the pool."
"That's not fair!" says the boy, "There must be dozens of people peeing in the pool every day! Why do you gotta pick on me?"
The lifeguard says, "Well most people don't do it off the diving board."
I got fired from my new job as a lifeguard today...
Turns out the girls have to be drowning before you can kiss them.
So little jimmy was peeing in the pool.
And the lifeguard yells at him, hey little jimmy, your not allowed to pee in the pool.
And little jimmy says to the lifeguard, but, but all the little kids pee in the pool.
And the lifeguard replies, Yeah, but not from the diving board...
I got caught taking a pee in the Municipal swimming pool.
The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Why did the lifeguard have to rescue the hippy at the beach?
Beacause he was too "faaaaarrrrr oooouuuuttt, maaaaan!"
A few minutes ago while I was lifeguarding, an old lady told me that I looked like a lion pacing back and forth.
Now I'm nervous for my dentist appointment on Thursday.
Local Drowning
A hippie drowned at the local beach last night. When asked why the free spirit was unable to be save before his tragic death, a lifeguard commented "He was too far out, man."
I've been watching you urinate in the pool..
Lifeguard: I've been watching you, Mr. Jones, and you'll have to stop urinating in the pool.
Mr. Jones: But everybody urinates in the pool.
Lifeguard: From the diving board?
The new pool lifeguard was talking to his boss about his experience so far
"There's an exceptional amount of friendly people here. It's been at least seven who has waved at me."
I had a job interview for a lifeguard position and they asked me what my biggest strength was. So I took a deep breath...
Held it for four minutes and they gave me the job.
The lifeguard at my local pool is racist...
How I know?
When he said I should leave, I asked why and he said, "European in the pool!"
I'm in Ocean Beach and a homeless man just told me this joke.
Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?
He was too far out.
One day John decided to go swimming.
He's at the pool, enjoying himself, when the lifeguard approaches and says "John, it's time for you to leave the swimming pool".
John: "Why, I just got here a little while ago, I'm enjoying myself, why do I have to leave?".
Lifeguard: "Because you're peeing in the swimming pool".
John: "So what! Everybody pees in the swimming pool!"
Lifeguard: "BUT FROM THE HIGH DIVING BOARD!?"
The Ool
Lifeguard: welcome to the Ool.
Kid: why's it called the Ool?
Lifeguard: because there is no P in the pool.
(Sorry if this is unoriginal, my friend told this to me)
What do Lifeguards and Rick and Morty's Space cruiser have in common?
Keep Summer Safe
Today I saw someone waving but I wasn't sure whether they were waving at me or someone behind me.
I got fired from my job as a lifeguard.
Why didnt the lifeguard save the drowning hippy?
Because he was to far out man
Grown-ups fooled us by making us think we would be superheroes on adulthood
Firefighter, Broker, Waterboy, Machinist, Driller, Embalmer, Goldsmith, Hydrologist, Lifeguard, Naturopath
I was taking a dip in the local pool, and the lifeguard said "Hey! What have you got"?
"Hummus".
On what day of the year are lifeguards the busiest?
MAY DAY!
What do you call a dog lifeguard?
A good buoy
I Used to be a Lifeguard
until some blue kid got me fired.
Mr. Green is reading a newspaper by the pool.
A lifeguard walks up and quietly says "Mr. Green there have been some complaints by the other guests."
Mr. Green puts down his paper. "Well I'm sure there isn't much of an issue."
The lifeguard continues, "it appears someone has been peeing in the pool."
"Everyone pees in the pool." Mr. Green stated plainly.
The lifeguard shouts "from the high dive Mr. Green?!?"
My dad was arrested for persistently stealing the equipment of beach lifeguards...
I blame myself that I didn't see it sooner; after all, the last time I'd gone to see him there were plenty of red flags...
I was desperate for a p**... at the pool....
I was at the swimming pool last week, and you know when you're absolutely bursting for a p**... but the toilets are way over there?
I thought: "weeelllll..... everyone else does it..."
So I decided just to let one slip out in the pool.
The lifeguard must have spotted me though. He shouted at me so loud I nearly fell off the diving board.
Once, when I was a lifeguard years ago,
someone was swimming and suddenly started yelling, help, shark! Help, shark! I just had to laugh. I knew that shark wasn't going to help them.
I took my kids to the local pool the other day..
We were down the shallow end when I had the sudden urge to pee. I slowly and inconspicuously made my way up to the deep end to relieve myself. As I'm about halfway through the lifeguard noticed what I was doing. He blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.
What did the sadistic lifeguard with a lisp say to the genius who couldn't swim?
I like the way you think!
