Lifeguard Jokes
72 lifeguard jokes and hilarious lifeguard puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lifeguard that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for funny lifeguard jokes to make you laugh? Then check out this collection of jokes about lifeguards, surfs,triathlons, lifejackets and more. Read on and enjoy our funny collection of jokes and humorous musings about lifeguards.
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Funniest Lifeguard Short Jokes
Short lifeguard jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lifeguard humour may include short life guard jokes also.
- I saw someone waving but didn't wave back because I wasn't sure if they were waving at me or the guy behind me. An hour later I got fired as a lifeguard
- I was having a quick wee in the deep end of the swimming pool when the lifeguard blew his whistle. It was so loud I nearly fell in.
- I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.
- I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.
"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.
"But not while standing on the diving board!" - A few minutes ago while I was lifeguarding, an old lady told me that I looked like a lion pacing back and forth. Now I'm nervous for my dentist appointment on Thursday.
- What did the sadistic lifeguard with a lisp say to the genius who couldn't swim? I like the way you think!
- I'm in Ocean Beach and a homeless man just told me this joke. Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?
He was too far out. - The new pool lifeguard was talking to his boss about his experience so far "There's an exceptional amount of friendly people here. It's been at least seven who has waved at me."
- I was taking a dip in the local pool, and the lifeguard said "Hey! What have you got"? "Hummus".
- Local Drowning A hippie drowned at the local beach last night. When asked why the free spirit was unable to be save before his tragic death, a lifeguard commented "He was too far out, man."
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Lifeguard One Liners
Which lifeguard one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lifeguard? I can suggest the ones about swimmer and security guard.
- The lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool. I was so startled, I almost fell in.
- Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far-out.
- I used to be a lifeguard at a public pool.... Until this blue kid got me fired.
- Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out, man!
- What do Lifeguards and Rick and Morty's Space cruiser have in common? Keep Summer Safe
- On what day of the year are lifeguards the busiest? MAY DAY!
- What's a lifeguards favorite game Pool.
- What does a lifeguard and a manager of a Curves have in common? They both watch whales.
- Irony moment in sports When you see lifeguards in Olympic swimming competition
- What do you call a fort made out of famous lifeguards David castlehoff
- Why couldn't the lifeguard save the philosopher from drowning? He was too deep.
- What do you get when you cross a computer with a lifeguard? A screensaver.
- I was going to drop the kids off at the pool But I didn't see a lifeguard on doodie.
- Why'd the lifeguard quit his job? He got burnt out
- Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning? Cause he was too faar out maan.
Humorous Lifeguard Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about lifeguard you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bodyguard jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lifeguard pranks.
A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming "lifesaver! lifesaver!"
The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks "cherry or grape?"
If Men Ruled the World... Laws:
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Car rental agencies would rent tanks.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car as long as you returned it within 24 hours with a full tank of gas.
Get Out of Jail Free cards would be considered legal documents.
Impressing Chicks On The Beach
A scrawy guy has a hard time attracting women on the beach....so he goes to the life guard and asks for advice and the lifeguard tells him "Next time...wear a speedo 2 sizes small and drop a potato inside" the guy decides to follow the advice
The next day...the scrawny guy comes back and all the women run away in horror except for the lifeguard. The guy asks the lifeguard "You told me this would work!"
The lifeguard shook his head and said "The potato...goes in the front"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Racist Lifeguard Jokes
Racist joke time
**How many black people can you fit in a pool?**
Depends, how deep is the pool?
**How many mexicans can you fit in a pool?**
Well I tried to count but the water got too murky.
**How many Russians can you fit in a pool?**
Zero, the pool froze over.
**How many Irishmen can you fit in a pool?**
The real question is how much liquor can you fit in a pool?
**How many North Koreans can you fit in a pool?**
It doesn't matter, they'll never get out.
**How many Israelis can you fit in a pool?**
We lost count. We gave them one pool, and they just took another and another and another...
**How many Sardines can you fit in a pool?**
A lot, you just pack them in like chinese people.
**How many Arabs can you fit in a pool?**
They have water down there?
**How many white people can you fit in a pool?**
Only 1, white people don't share too well.
**How many Germans can you fit in a pool?**
After the first few they just start complaining about each other.
**How many Brazilians can you fit in a pool?**
Wait, how many is a Brazilian again?
**How many Canadians can you fit in a pool?**
I'm sorry, I don't know.
**How many Australians can you fit in a pool?**
Just mind the crocs.
**How many Native Americans can you fit in a pool?**
Depends, do you include burial ground white man build pool over?
All my upvotes to the person who can think up a good cuban version.
The German Lifeguard
A group of friends were on a boat in Munich when the hull was breached.
They quickly called for the German Life Guard yelling "Help we're sinking!"
The Life Guard asked "Ja, vat are you sinking about?"
Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...
And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.
"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."
"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.
"Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!"
She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National Cemetery if ya can do that fer me."
"Why does a young woman like you want a burial plot at the cemetery?"
"Because" she said, "When my friends and family find out what I just did they'll kill me!"
Little Jimmy at the Pool
Jennifer the lifeguard tells Jimmy to stop peeing in the pool. Little 6 year old Jimmy replies that everbody pees in the pool. Jennifer says that yes people do, but not from the diving board...
A lifeguard blows his whistle at a little boy and asks him to come over...
He says to the boy, "Hey, you're not allowed to pee in the pool."
"That's not fair!" says the boy, "There must be dozens of people peeing in the pool every day! Why do you gotta pick on me?"
The lifeguard says, "Well most people don't do it off the diving board."
I got fired from my new job as a lifeguard today...
Turns out the girls have to be drowning before you can kiss them.
So little jimmy was peeing in the pool.
And the lifeguard yells at him, hey little jimmy, your not allowed to pee in the pool.
And little jimmy says to the lifeguard, but, but all the little kids pee in the pool.
And the lifeguard replies, Yeah, but not from the diving board...
I got caught taking a pee in the Municipal swimming pool.
The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
A Catholic priest is drowning in the Ocean.
A Catholic priest is drowning in the Ocean. A lifeguard swims past and asks the priest: "Do you need help?"
Priest replies: "Don't worry. God will save me."
A few minutes go by and another life guard swims past. He says: "Here, grab my hand I can help you get back to shore"
Priest replies: "Never fear, God will save me."
A few more minutes go past and the Priest is really struggling. A fishing boat comes along and they ask: "Do you need help? Climb aboard we can help you."
Again the priest replies: "I have faith, God will save me."
Priest drowns and goes to heaven. He meets God and asks "Why God? I have been a devout Catholic why did you not save me?!" God replies "What are you talking about I sent you two lifeguards and a boat!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lifeguards wouldn't let Obama in the pool
because he had weeping *legions*
A tourist tried to visit a nudist beach only to discover it was blocked off. He asked the local lisping lifeguard of the beach, "You open?"
The lifeguard responded,
"Sorry, we're clothed."
One thing wrong with the gene pool
The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
I've been watching you urinate in the pool..
Lifeguard: I've been watching you, Mr. Jones, and you'll have to stop urinating in the pool.
Mr. Jones: But everybody urinates in the pool.
Lifeguard: From the diving board?
I had a job interview for a lifeguard position and they asked me what my biggest strength was. So I took a deep breath...
Held it for four minutes and they gave me the job.
Today I saw someone waving.
It was i nice gesture, so I waved back. It's fun to be a lifeguard.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are female lifeguards so s**...?
Getting wet is their business.
A man decided to go to the pool.
A man decided to go to the pool. Just after getting there, he was ready to take a dive right in. Before he could do anything though, the lifeguard ran over to him urging him to stop.
"Sir, what on Earth do you think you are doing? There's no water in the pool!" He exclaimed.
"Oh, that's okay." The man replied." I can't swim!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The lifeguard at my local pool is racist...
How I know?
When he said I should leave, I asked why and he said, "European in the pool!"
I took a dip in the pool yesterday
The lifeguard yelled at me and told me that i'm not allowed to bring ketchup into the swimming pool.
One day John decided to go swimming.
He's at the pool, enjoying himself, when the lifeguard approaches and says "John, it's time for you to leave the swimming pool".
John: "Why, I just got here a little while ago, I'm enjoying myself, why do I have to leave?".
Lifeguard: "Because you're peeing in the swimming pool".
John: "So what! Everybody pees in the swimming pool!"
Lifeguard: "BUT FROM THE HIGH DIVING BOARD!?"
The local mental asylum is running out of space
So the asylum director concocted a way to release the least crazy residents back into the population.
He drained the swimming pool and observed which residents went in to swim. Those who jumped into the empty swimming pool were obviously not ready to be discharged.
After about 15 min he noted all the residents except one were "swimming" in the empty pool. The director came up to this gentleman, "Congratulations! You didn't jump in the pool and so are ready to go back home." To which the resident replied, "Of course I wouldn't jump in the pool! Someone needs to be the lifeguard!"
The Ool
Lifeguard: welcome to the Ool.
Kid: why's it called the Ool?
Lifeguard: because there is no P in the pool.
(Sorry if this is unoriginal, my friend told this to me)
If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember
There are lifeguards at olympic swimming competitions
What do a lifeguard and a sub moderator have in common?
Most of them are 16 and mad with power.
Grown-ups fooled us by making us think we would be superheroes on adulthood
Firefighter, Broker, Waterboy, Machinist, Driller, Embalmer, Goldsmith, Hydrologist, Lifeguard, Naturopath
Jacob was at his neighbourhood community swimming pool.
Lifeguard: Jacob! Stop Peeing in the pool!
Jacob: But everyone does it!?
Lifeguard: Yes, but not when on the DIVING BOARD.
Mr. Green is reading a newspaper by the pool.
A lifeguard walks up and quietly says "Mr. Green there have been some complaints by the other guests."
Mr. Green puts down his paper. "Well I'm sure there isn't much of an issue."
The lifeguard continues, "it appears someone has been peeing in the pool."
"Everyone pees in the pool." Mr. Green stated plainly.
The lifeguard shouts "from the high dive Mr. Green?!?"
My dad was arrested for persistently stealing the equipment of beach lifeguards...
I blame myself that I didn't see it sooner; after all, the last time I'd gone to see him there were plenty of red flags...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was desperate for a p**... at the pool....
I was at the swimming pool last week, and you know when you're absolutely bursting for a p**... but the toilets are way over there?
I thought: "weeelllll..... everyone else does it..."
So I decided just to let one slip out in the pool.
The lifeguard must have spotted me though. He shouted at me so loud I nearly fell off the diving board.
