Life Saving Jokes
109 life saving jokes and hilarious life saving puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about life saving that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Life Saving Short Jokes
Short life saving jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The life saving humour may include short staying alive jokes also.
- Fox News actually saved my life. I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to fox and I had to get up to turn it off.
- After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means... ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
- I took a massive gamble and just sunk all my life savings into a Butcher shop on a blimp. The steaks have never been higher!
- A soldier in wwii was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet. It was his life savings.
- Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me. Now all I have is pain.
- There I was, risking my life to save my girlfriend from a fire-breathing dragon!! And all she had to say was.. "You have a drug problem."
- Last week a young boy saved a priests life in the United States... ... he discovered the priest had early stage testicular cancer...
- Jesus saved my life... And before I could thank him he got in the car with Miguel and drove away.
- After rounds of extensive life saving operations, I asked my nurse if she'd visit me when I finally get out. She told me she doesn't like cemeteries.
- Everyone seems to hate inflation, but today it saved my friend's life. He was suicidal and all the money he had been saving to buy those cyanide pills was suddenly not enough.
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Life Saving One Liners
Which life saving one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with life saving? I can suggest the ones about life support and first aid.
- My gun saved my life today. It misfired.
- A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say- -A E I O U
- Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter? He couldn't remove three nails to save his life
- I wasted all of my life savings on pasta... It was worth every Penne.
- I have a MASSIVE heroine problem... I'm addicted to fat women who save my life.
- What do you call it when a cow saves your life? Bovine intervention.
- The R saved his life... his name was, Gary Pedro Crock.
- When did a gut feeling save your life? When my appendix burst.
- How do you save a pirate's life? Sea pee ARGH!
- Autoerrection has saved my life
- Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.
- I Saved A Life Today. It looks great in my cereal box collection.
- Lucky Charms could save your Life from a cereal killer
- What did 'b' say to his friend 'e' after 'e' saved his life? AY E! I O U
- Why did the awful tailor die? He just couldn't seam to save his life.
Life Saving Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about life saving you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean life guard jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make life saving pranks.
Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help.
They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning.
The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore.
Bush asks the boys how he can repay them.
The first boy says, "I want a boat."
The second boy says, "I want a truck."
The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone."
Bush asks, "Why is that?"
The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."
A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.
She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back."
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
Patient: "I have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors."
Doctor: "Why didn’t you come to me earlier?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two mexicans are stranded in the desert for days....
... and they're at death's door....
They stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something, they suddenly spy through the heat haze a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with s**... after s**... of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre. "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree".......
"ees... a.... Hambush"
Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
Jim and Mary.
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... and the Jew
My grandfather gave me this book when I was younger, It is called The Book of Jewish Humor (or something similar). Here is one of my favorite jokes:
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During WW2, in Germany, a Jewish man was walking down the street. As ordered by the n**...'s, he was forced to wear a star on his lapel, to signify that he was a Jew.
Meanwhile, h**... had recently bought a new Mercedes, and was cruising around in his sleek new car. As he went down the street he decided to put his new car through its paces, and pushed the pedal to the floor. He was going faster than any other car on the road, and his protection detail had given up trying to follow him. All of a sudden, his car hit a puddle, and h**... lost control. As he careened off the road, he narrowly missed hitting the Jewish man, and instead ran into a building.
The Jewish man, seeing the car c**... ran to the scene, and quickly freed h**..., who had been trapped under his car. The instant he saw who it was, he gasped, and took a step back.
h**..., seeing the man who rescued him quickly went over and said
"Thank you so much for saving my life! I don't care if you are a Jew, you have rescued me and can have anything that you want, just name it!"
The man thought for a little while, and after a long pause said "Please, don't tell anyone..."
A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.
"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.
The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three guys are aboard a jet as it's about to c**... and there are only two parachutes...
The first guy has the parachutes and gives both of them to the others, the second guy says thank you and jumps. The third guy before jumping asks "Wow, why would you do such a thing, why not save your own life?". The first guy then looks at him and says, "What are you crazy, I gave the second guy an empty backpack".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I called into a s**... hotline
And they tried to save my life, talk about misleading.
If a woman has to choose...
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
-Dave Barry
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mugger approaches an Irish man
He points his gun and says, "Your money or your life!"
The Irishman replies, "Take me life. I'm saving me money for me old age."
Islamic joke I saw somewhere
A man walking in New York's Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.
A passing Fox News reporter says: You're a hero. Tonight's TV news bulletin will say: 'Brave New Yorker Saves Child.
The man replies: I'm a tourist from Saudi Arabia.
That night the news on Fox TV says: Islamic extremist kills New York dog.
Friendship. (A bit of a dark humour)
Friend: I need to save money...
Me: Get a life vest
Me: And some rope.
Friend: Why do I need the life vest?
Me: If you have to ask, you might not need one.
Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.
The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."
Did you hear about the pig who saved a man's life?
There was this guy who was starving to death...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why would I donate £2 to save a kid's life?
I'd rather spend that £2 on a c**... to prevent a kid's life.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I learned CPR so I could save a life one day... Maybe I went too far...
Either way, I don't think I'm going to be invited to another f**... any time soon.
I have a heroine addiction...
...because I can only sleep with a girl if she has saved somebody's life.
An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV.
He asked, "What is that for?"
"Dad, why couldn't the doctors save grandpa's life?
"Doesn't matter son, he would have suffocated in the coffin"
A boy just saved Donald Trump's life.
And Trump says he can have anything he wants.
The boy asks for a wheelchair ramp for his family's van, and unlimited access to handicapped parking.
Trump asks the boy if this is for his mom or his dad.
The boy says that it's for him.
"But kid, you're not in a wheelchair." says Trump.
"I will be when my dad finds out what I've done."
My friend gave me his Epi Pen as his final wish
But I can't seem to get the thing to sign anything to save my life either
My parents have been saving embarrassing videos and stories of me for my entire life, hoping to one day show the person that chooses to marry me.
Jokes on them.
Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!
Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.
And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.
Life saving home remedies: if you ever find yourself choking on an ice cube.......
Quick drink a cup of boiling water
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm a h**... addict...
I'll only sleep with women who save my life.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can't life guards save hippies?
Because they're too far out, man!
A man decided to visit a fortune teller...
After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:
You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions
Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helplessly.
Well, if millions of people are going to die because of me, I might at least save one life.
He jumps into the river and pulls the boy out. The shocked mother comes in tears and says:
Oh my dear god, thank you so much Mr., you are a saint. Adolf, you should thank this gentleman yourself.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm a heroine addict
I need to have s**... with women who have saved someone's life.
- Mitch Hedberg
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the salmon say to the s**... whale after saving his life?
You're whalecum.
[OC]. Thiiis is Jeopardy. I"ll take "It's an honor to take a bullet to save the life of the President of our country".
Alex, what is nostalgia?
What did the optimistic singer say in a failed attempt to save a suicidal man's life?
Duet?
Why don't Americans like it when paramedics save them from what could've been life ending accident?
A life ending bill.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm a Latino nurse and while I was doing my rounds, one of the surgeons burst out of the operating room and told me to help finish the operation.
I cut the patient's o**... on the wrong spot but luckily I miscalculated and saved their life. No one thought I could do it and I shocked them all. Nobody expected the Spanish missed the incision.
A woman is lying dead in a field. One item could have saved her life. What is it?
I'll reply with the right answer if it's not guessed tomorrow.
I saved a life today
I asked a homeless guy how he would feel if I gave him $1000.
He replied, I'd die of happiness.
So I didn't give it to him.
After living on paycheck to paycheck and almost no savings...
I turned my life around by saving enough money to upgrade my data plan and being able to post this
I know a guy from North Carolina who spent 200 million on the lotto.
He said that if he doesn't win, his life savings are gonna go south.
Thinking of buying a gaming laptop for Half Life 3
I should have enough saved up in 10 years.
Life is a lot like playing video games
You can save yourself plenty of embarrassment by unplugging the cable.
Girlfriend: What is the greatest thing you'd do for me?
Me: Stand in front of a car to save your life.
Girlfriend: You'd do that for me?
Me: As long as the car isn't moving!
I visited my hometown to meet my favorite chef.
Unfortunately, he pasta away. I donated my entire millennial life savings of $13.42 to his Italian restaurant. Sometimes, one cannoli do so much. Just live and let Olive.
I opened my wallet and saw a piece of lint in there.
I said to myself "I don't remember putting my life savings here."
Randomly woke up this morning with that joke in my head.
If you are a homeopathy practitioner and someone make an emergency call, how would you save the patient's life?
By not giving him/her any medicine.
PETA has done an incredible job in preserving marine life
They saved millions of fish from drowning
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend asked me if I had to have s**... with my mother to save my father's life what would I do?
Apparently reverse c**... is the wrong answer.
That's a Jimmy Carr joke, btw. It's my go to at the moment. Happy Friday everyone!
A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.
They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.
The doctor exclaims Save the children! And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.
The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating Screw the children!
The priest says Do we have time?
This pandemic has exposed how unrealistic the movie The Martian is.
Not because of the space travel to Mars, but there is no way the US government would spend so much money and gather the resources to save just one life.
I just gave all my life savings to the San Andreas foundation.
You might say I'm generous to a fault.
911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!
Teacher asks students
\- "Did you ever save anybody's life?"
\- "I did." Steve raises his hand.
\- "Whose life did you save?"
\- "My nephew's."
\- "How?"
\- "I hid my sister's birth control pills."
I've just spent my life savings on a cannabis farm.
The estate agent assured me it's a growth industry.
My wife and I got married on the same day as the Kentucky Derby. I remember it because I was considering betting my life's savings on this one Filly.
...
I also considered putting money on the derby.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman drags her husband to the doctor,
He's been complaining for weeks about a sore stomach. The doc gives the man a full workover and deduces he is missing a vital enzyme mainly found in dog food. Reluctantly they agree to put him on the pet food diet to save his life.
A week later the doc sees her walking the street and asks how he's doing. "He's dead" She replies. The doc is understandably upset "How, dog food is not toxic?" She wipes a tear and says "He was hit by a car in the middle of the road l**... his g**..."
Please put on your mask. It saves lives.
Yesterday a friend of mine went out with his girlfriend and on the way to the mall he passed by his wife and she did not recognize him. The mask really saved his life.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man entering a s**... club was shot in the chest today, but thankfully his front shirt pocket had a bunch of neatly folded one dollar bills..
Some say it was his life savings
A wife and husband were in a car talking to each other.
Wife : would you sleep with my best friend in order to save my life?
Husband : uhh, of course. I'd do anything to save your life, even if I had to sleep with Jessica.
Wife : what? Whose Jessica?
Husband : uhh, your best friend? Who is it? Lauren?
Wife : What??? No
Husband : Well i'd sleep with anyone if it meant I would be able to save your life. Who is your best friend anyways?
Wife : Jonathan
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband: Do you love me?
Wife: Of course i love you, light of my life.
Husband: Would you love me even if i wronged you?
Wife: I will always love you, my darling.
Husband: But would you love me if i gambled away all our savings?
Wife: i would still love you, my precious husband.
Husband: what if i cheated on you, would you still love me?
Wife: of course. I will always love you, apple of my eye.
Husband: Ok. I forgot to turn on the dishwasher last night.
Wife: I HATE YOU, YOU LAZY, SELFISH IRRESPONSIBLE m**...!!