Life Saving Jokes
109 life saving jokes and hilarious life saving puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about life saving that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Life Saving Short Jokes
Short life saving jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The life saving humour may include short staying alive jokes also.
- Fox News actually saved my life. I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to fox and I had to get up to turn it off.
- After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means... ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
- I took a massive gamble and just sunk all my life savings into a Butcher shop on a blimp. The steaks have never been higher!
- Dear student loan, Thank you for saving my life. I can't think of how I can ever repay you.
- A soldier in wwii was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet. It was his life savings.
- Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me. Now all I have is pain.
- I have enough money saved up to last me for the rest of my life! all I have to do now is die before thursday.
- There I was, risking my life to save my girlfriend from a fire-breathing dragon!! And all she had to say was.. "You have a drug problem."
- Last week a young boy saved a priests life in the United States... ... he discovered the priest had early stage testicular cancer...
- Jesus saved my life... And before I could thank him he got in the car with Miguel and drove away.
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Life Saving One Liners
Which life saving one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with life saving? I can suggest the ones about life support and first aid.
- My gun saved my life today. It misfired.
- Why couldn't the life guard save the drowning hippie? He was too far out, man.
- A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say- -A E I O U
- How do you save a pirate's life? C P Arrr!
- Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter? He couldn't remove three nails to save his life
- I wasted all of my life savings on pasta... It was worth every Penne.
- I have a MASSIVE heroine problem... I'm addicted to fat women who save my life.
- What do you call it when a cow saves your life? Bovine intervention.
- I spent my entire life savings on pasta. It was worth every penne.
- A cow once saved my life. I guess you could call it Bovine Intervention.
- The R saved his life... his name was, Gary Pedro Crock.
- I have enough money saved to live happy for the rest of my life. If I die next Thursday
- When did a gut feeling save your life? When my appendix burst.
- Why can't life guards save hippies? Because they're too far out, man!
- How do you save a pirate's life? Sea pee ARGH!
Life Saving Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about life saving you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean saving jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make life saving pranks.
A man was drowning and asked God to help him.
A boat came by wanting to help the man.
The man refused and said that God would save him.
The man drowned and went to heaven.
He asked God why didn't you save me. God responded, "I sent a boat to get you and you did not get on."
Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help.
They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning.
The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore.
Bush asks the boys how he can repay them.
The first boy says, "I want a boat."
The second boy says, "I want a truck."
The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone."
Bush asks, "Why is that?"
The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."
Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.
Two mexicans are stranded in the desert for days....
... and they're at death's door....
They stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something, they suddenly spy through the heat haze a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with s**... after s**... of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre. "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree".......
"ees... a.... Hambush"
Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.
"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.
The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."
Three guys are aboard a jet as it's about to c**... and there are only two parachutes...
The first guy has the parachutes and gives both of them to the others, the second guy says thank you and jumps. The third guy before jumping asks "Wow, why would you do such a thing, why not save your own life?". The first guy then looks at him and says, "What are you crazy, I gave the second guy an empty backpack".
I called into a s**... hotline
And they tried to save my life, talk about misleading.
If a woman has to choose...
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
-Dave Barry
A snail decides to buy a car...
There's this snail. All his life, all he's ever wanted was a little red corvette, convertible, with a b**... "S" painted on the hood. He saves and saves and finally buys his life-long dream. He pulls out of the dealership and his driving down the street, proud as can be. Two guys, waiting at a crosswalk, spot the snail in his new car, and one says to the other, "hey man, look at that S car go!!!"
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "
A mugger approaches an Irish man
He points his gun and says, "Your money or your life!"
The Irishman replies, "Take me life. I'm saving me money for me old age."
Islamic joke I saw somewhere
A man walking in New York's Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.
A passing Fox News reporter says: You're a hero. Tonight's TV news bulletin will say: 'Brave New Yorker Saves Child.
The man replies: I'm a tourist from Saudi Arabia.
That night the news on Fox TV says: Islamic extremist kills New York dog.
Autoerrection has saved my life
Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.
The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."
Did you hear about the pig who saved a man's life?
There was this guy who was starving to death...
Why would I donate £2 to save a kid's life?
I'd rather spend that £2 on a c**... to prevent a kid's life.
I have a heroine addiction...
...because I can only sleep with a girl if she has saved somebody's life.
An Imperial Roman soldier was wounded on the battlefield. His life was saved when he was time traveled to the modern world to be hooked up to an IV.
He asked, "What is that for?"
"Dad, why couldn't the doctors save grandpa's life?
"Doesn't matter son, he would have suffocated in the coffin"
My friend gave me his epi-pen as he was dying
But I can't get it to sign my name to save my life either
A boy just saved Donald Trump's life.
And Trump says he can have anything he wants.
The boy asks for a wheelchair ramp for his family's van, and unlimited access to handicapped parking.
Trump asks the boy if this is for his mom or his dad.
The boy says that it's for him.
"But kid, you're not in a wheelchair." says Trump.
"I will be when my dad finds out what I've done."
My friend gave me his Epi Pen as his final wish
But I can't seem to get the thing to sign anything to save my life either
My parents have been saving embarrassing videos and stories of me for my entire life, hoping to one day show the person that chooses to marry me.
Jokes on them.
Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!
Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.
And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.
I'm a h**... addict...
I'll only sleep with women who save my life.
A man decided to visit a fortune teller...
After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:
You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions
Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helplessly.
Well, if millions of people are going to die because of me, I might at least save one life.
He jumps into the river and pulls the boy out. The shocked mother comes in tears and says:
Oh my dear god, thank you so much Mr., you are a saint. Adolf, you should thank this gentleman yourself.
I'm a heroine addict
I need to have s**... with women who have saved someone's life.
- Mitch Hedberg
What did the salmon say to the s**... whale after saving his life?
You're whalecum.
On the 11th of March I had the longest s**... of my life, 1 hour and 30 seconds.
Thank god for Daylight Saving Time
What did the optimistic singer say in a failed attempt to save a suicidal man's life?
Duet?
I'm a Latino nurse and while I was doing my rounds, one of the surgeons burst out of the operating room and told me to help finish the operation.
I cut the patient's o**... on the wrong spot but luckily I miscalculated and saved their life. No one thought I could do it and I shocked them all. Nobody expected the Spanish missed the incision.
A woman is lying dead in a field. One item could have saved her life. What is it?
I'll reply with the right answer if it's not guessed tomorrow.
I saved a life today
I asked a homeless guy how he would feel if I gave him $1000.
He replied, I'd die of happiness.
So I didn't give it to him.
Jesus was a carpenter
But, couldn't pull a nail to save his life
Parody of Jinga Bells
Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!
I visited my hometown to meet my favorite chef.
Unfortunately, he pasta away. I donated my entire millennial life savings of $13.42 to his Italian restaurant. Sometimes, one cannoli do so much. Just live and let Olive.
A man was looking for a space to park his car in the parking lot of a mall...
After a lot of effort of going round and round he couldn't find an empty space so he started praying, please God help me find a parking space, I will go to church everyday for the rest of my life and would even give half of my life savings to charity..
Suddenly he sees a car pulling out of a spot..
Man : OKAY, Nevermind I found one..!!
I opened my wallet and saw a piece of lint in there.
I said to myself "I don't remember putting my life savings here."
Randomly woke up this morning with that joke in my head.
After rounds of extensive life saving operations, I asked my nurse if she'd visit me when I finally get out.
She told me she doesn't like cemeteries.
PETA has done an incredible job in preserving marine life
They saved millions of fish from drowning
My friend asked me if I had to have s**... with my mother to save my father's life what would I do?
Apparently reverse c**... is the wrong answer.
That's a Jimmy Carr joke, btw. It's my go to at the moment. Happy Friday everyone!
A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.
They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.
The doctor exclaims Save the children! And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.
The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating Screw the children!
The priest says Do we have time?
This pandemic has exposed how unrealistic the movie The Martian is.
Not because of the space travel to Mars, but there is no way the US government would spend so much money and gather the resources to save just one life.
I just gave all my life savings to the San Andreas foundation.
You might say I'm generous to a fault.
911 - A Parody Of Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!
RIP uncle
My great uncle passed away last year when we couldn't remember his blood type in time for him to get a blood transfusion that would save his life.
As he was dying he kept yelling 'Be positive! Be positive!' but it's so hard without him.
Teacher asks students
\- "Did you ever save anybody's life?"
\- "I did." Steve raises his hand.
\- "Whose life did you save?"
\- "My nephew's."
\- "How?"
\- "I hid my sister's birth control pills."
I've just spent my life savings on a cannabis farm.
The estate agent assured me it's a growth industry.
My wife and I got married on the same day as the Kentucky Derby. I remember it because I was considering betting my life's savings on this one Filly.
...
I also considered putting money on the derby.
A woman drags her husband to the doctor,
He's been complaining for weeks about a sore stomach. The doc gives the man a full workover and deduces he is missing a vital enzyme mainly found in dog food. Reluctantly they agree to put him on the pet food diet to save his life.
A week later the doc sees her walking the street and asks how he's doing. "He's dead" She replies. The doc is understandably upset "How, dog food is not toxic?" She wipes a tear and says "He was hit by a car in the middle of the road l**... his g**..."
Please put on your mask. It saves lives.
Yesterday a friend of mine went out with his girlfriend and on the way to the mall he passed by his wife and she did not recognize him. The mask really saved his life.
A man entering a s**... club was shot in the chest today, but thankfully his front shirt pocket had a bunch of neatly folded one dollar bills..
Some say it was his life savings
A wife and husband were in a car talking to each other.
Wife : would you sleep with my best friend in order to save my life?
Husband : uhh, of course. I'd do anything to save your life, even if I had to sleep with Jessica.
Wife : what? Whose Jessica?
Husband : uhh, your best friend? Who is it? Lauren?
Wife : What??? No
Husband : Well i'd sleep with anyone if it meant I would be able to save your life. Who is your best friend anyways?
Wife : Jonathan
Husband: Do you love me?
Wife: Of course i love you, light of my life.
Husband: Would you love me even if i wronged you?
Wife: I will always love you, my darling.
Husband: But would you love me if i gambled away all our savings?
Wife: i would still love you, my precious husband.
Husband: what if i cheated on you, would you still love me?
Wife: of course. I will always love you, apple of my eye.
Husband: Ok. I forgot to turn on the dishwasher last night.
Wife: I HATE YOU, YOU LAZY, SELFISH IRRESPONSIBLE m**...!!
Learnt a horrible lesson last night
Don't keep your life savings under your pillow unless you hate money and love teeth
A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma
Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.
a Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day
When out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.
She drops to her knees and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"