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Life Questioning Jokes

98 life questioning jokes and hilarious life questioning puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about life questioning that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Life Questioning Short Jokes

Short life questioning jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The life questioning humour may include short life experience jokes also.

  1. Went out last night dressed as a chicken and got with a girl dressed as an egg A life long question was answered. It was the chicken
  2. I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken, and hooked up with a girl dressed as an egg. Things happened but in the end, we answered a life-long question... The chicken came first.
  3. Would you trade a Politician's life to end the Covid-19 outbreak? If the answer is 'Yes', please provide answer the following questions:
    Which one would be your choice?
    And why Trump?
  4. A man pointed his gun at me and asked if I had lived a good life Sounded like a loaded question to me
  5. My hairdresser answered life's most important question for me.. Now I know what happens when you dye.
  6. I like my coffee how I like my life Once thrilling, but now a mundane daily ritual that has me questioning what I ever found enjoyable about it to begin with.
  7. Why do so many tyrants try to seize power? Because when they heard: "Watt is the meaning of life", they didn't think it was a question.
  8. Wasp meets bee A wasp discusses the meaning of life with a bee.
    Wasp:
    "So, what do you think of the issue?"
    Bee:
    "Well... it all boils down to a simple question: To bee or not to bee."
  9. A golf ball and G spot Question: What's the difference between a golf ball and G spot?
    Answer: there is no man in the world, who wouldn't devote 30 minutes of his life, looking for a golf ball.
  10. Google is setting up a new search engine to answer life's difficult and most complex questions with the response always being the same... Chuck Norris.

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Life Questioning One Liners

Which life questioning one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with life questioning? I can suggest the ones about meaning of life and love life.

  1. Serious question here... Does Lightning McQueen get car insurance or life insurance?
  2. Cake: the answer, no matter the question.
  3. Half-Life 3 is finally out ...of the question getting released in 2016.
  4. If the answer to all questions is yes, so why not?
  5. To the question ‘What are you doing here?' 72% answered negative.
  6. To be or not to be?
    That is the question.
    The answer?
    Chuck Norris.
  7. Chuck Norris has never used a question mark in his life.

Life Questioning Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about life questioning you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean life advice jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make life questioning pranks.

In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time.
They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter.
When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven.
Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't feel worried by this.
The first nun steps forward and tells the saint that she's ready.
"Who was the first woman?" Peter asks.
"That's easy!" exclaims the nun. "Eve!"
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The second nun, encouraged by her colleagues easy pass, steps forwards and tells Peter that she's ready, as well. "Who was the first man?" Peter asks.
"Easy! That's Adam!" says the nun, excitedly.
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The third nun is now confident that she won't have any trouble, and steps up to face Peter's question. "What were Eve's first words to Adam?" he asks.
"My, that's a hard one," the nun replies worriedly, but Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open...

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.
After answering all the questions, there is a tie.
So both are given one final assignment.
It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu".
It is city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory.
But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher..
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge... Show him your badge!"

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have
really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under
your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
Ҭ"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

On the day of my big job interview I woke up late.
Frantically I threw on a suit.
"OH NO!" I thought. "MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn't there to help me, and for the life of me, I did not know how to tie a tie!"
I grabbed a tie and ran out the door.
"Excuse me sir," I said to the crossing guard, "I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!"
"Sure," said the guard, "just lie down on this bench."
Well if someone was going to help me I wasn't going to ask any questions.
After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down.
"Well in my previous job I learned how to tie ties on other people when they were lying down." he replied.
"What was your previous job?" I asked incredulously.
"I ran a morgue." was the reply.

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.
The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."
"Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our s**... first-timer questions.
o**... asked, "If our c**... doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

A news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.

The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about how it felt to be marrying again at 80, and about her spouse.
The lady mentions hat her new husband is a f**... director.
Then the reporter asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands.
She pauses for a few moments, needing some time to reflect on all of those years. After a short time, she shares some details about her first husbands.
The first, she says, was a banker, whom she married in her 20s. In her 40s, she married a circus ringmaster. In her 60s, she married a preacher, and now, in her 80s, she's marrying a f**... director.
The reporter asks her why, if there was any reason, did she choose to marry those specific people.
She responds, "Well, I married one for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready, and four to go!"

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had s**.... "Tarzan not know s**...." he replied.


Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his l**... cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the c**...!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

A man went to confession.

"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."
"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest
"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."
"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."
"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"
"Of course, my son."
"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"

Zebra dies and goes to heaven...

As he approaches the pearly gates of heaven St Peter approaches the zebra and asks Welcome to heaven, do you have any questions before you enter?
The zebra replies Yes I do, something has been bothering me my whole life.
Peter replies What is it? Ask me anything!
Am I black or white? Peter looks at the zebra confused and doesn't know how to answer the zebra. That's a good question. Matter of fact that's good enough to ask god!
So Peter walks the zebra to god and god asks the troubled zebra What bothers you zebra?
God I need to know, am I black or white?
God thinks for a second and replies You are what you are. The zebra repeats what god says still confused You are what your are. Thanks god, I guess.
Peter waiting patiently asks the zebra I have to know. What did God say?
God said you are what you are.
Peter thinks for a minute and realizes that he knows the answer. I know what you are! You are white!
How do you know I'm white!
Because if you were black, you is whatcha is.

A DEA agent and a rancher

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him b**... his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the **R**!
We missed the **R**!
*We missed the* **R***!'*
His forehead is all bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...
CELEB**R**ATE !!!'

The Zebra in Heaven.

My mom told me this awhile back, it made me laugh so I thought I would share.
A zebra had died and when he got to the pearly white gates of heaven, he was greeted by Saint Peter.
"Welcome to Heaven." said Saint peter.
"Wow, so this is Heaven huh? Its beautiful!" said the zebra.
"Yes it is, now enter and live the rest of your life happy." Peter told him.
"Well before I go Saint Pete, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"
"Hhhmmm, I honestly am not sure, that is a question for God himself to answer, why don't you go ask him." Peter said.
"Alright." Said the Zebra.
So the Zebra goes to the Lord and ask,
"God am I a white horse with black strips or a black horse with white stripes?"
"You are what you are." God answered.
The Zebra more confused now then ever goes back to saint peter.
"Well, what did he say?" asked Peter.
"He told me, I am what I am?"
"Oh, that's an easy one, you're a white horse with black stripes!" Peter told him.
" How do you figure that?" The Zebra asked.
" Because" Peter said "If you were a black horse with white stripes he would have said, You is what you is."

I never remember silly things

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time.
One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.
Really? ,
one of the men said, what's it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, what are those good smelling flowers called again?
Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned.
Yes that's it, he exclaimed.
Looking over at his wife he said, Rose what's that restaurant we went to the other night?

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas...

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . . On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull . . . . . .
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored
before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . . . . "Your Badge, show him your Badge!"

A zebra meets God.

All his life the zebra always wondered whether he was a black zebra with white stripes, or a white zebra with black stripes. He thought about this often but never came to an answer.
Well, one day while he was out and about, he was shot by a hunter. When he arrived to heaven, he was face to face with Saint Peter.
Realizing where he was, the zebra asked Saint Peter if he could as God a question.
Before he knew it, the zebra was face to face with God. "What is the question you wish to ask?"
The zebra then said, "All my life I have been wondering this, my Lord, am I a black zebra with white stripes? or a white zebra with black stripes?"
Without hesitation, God replied "You are what you are." Before he knew it, the zebra was back with Saint Peter.
"Did he answer your question?" asked Peter.
"Not exactly..."
"Well, what did you ask him?"
"I asked whether I was a black zebra with white stripes or a white zebra with black stripes."
"What was his answer?"
"All he said was, 'You are what you are.'"
"Oh!" exclaimed Saint Peter, "that means you're a white zebra with back stripes."
The zebra was confused as to how Saint Peter knew this and asked him, "How do you know that?"
"Because," said Saint Peter, "if you were a black zebra with white stripes, he would've said, 'You iz what you iz.'"

A muslim in Heaven

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffee !!!!"

An old man an his grandson are taking a walk one crisp fall afternoon...

When the old man asks his grandson what he wanted to be when he grrw up.
"I wanna be rich like you granpa!" , responded the boy
Now the old man had worked hard all his life. Started off as an employee at a small company and ended up owning it. He almost never spent his hard earned money on luxuries. He was a smart consumer, invested wisely, yadda, yadda, yadda.
The old man smiled quitely at his grandson's remark.
"Now how do you plan on doing that, sport?"
"Well," said the little boy, "It's gonna take a lot of hard work and patience."
"Oh really?" ,the old man questioned
"Uh-huh! It's going to be a while before I get my inheritance!"

Guys get p**... too...

Post m**... Syndrome. It's the 15 minutes after m**... where you question what life is and what you just did.

Where did I come from?

"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son. When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."

A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder


They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:
"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"
and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"

A girl was about to jump off a cliff...

A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have s**... with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."

Random Drug search

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

A Dolphin meets the Buddha...

The Buddha says you may ask me any question young dolphin and I shall answer for you.
The Dolphin thinks about what he should ask and after several minutes of soul searching he ask the Buddha "What is my Porpoise in life?"

Deputy Investigation goes Wrong.

WASHINGTON COUNTY SHERIFF 'S DEPT. Investigation
A Deputy stops at a dairy farm and talks with the old farmer who's the owner.
He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your property for i**... grown m**....'
The old Farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me"!! Pointing to the badge on his chest he proudly says,
"See this badge"!? "This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…on any land". "No questions asked or answers given". "Have I made myself clear!!??" "Do you understand!!??"
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old guy hears loud screams and spies the deputy running for his life and close behind is the a huge breeder bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The old farmer immediately throws down his **** fork, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge! Show him your F**king badge!"

A rancher and his family have a milk cow...

A rancher and his family have a milk cow, and not much else to their name. The milk is the sweetest, toppest grade dairy around.
One day, the rancher wakes up and finds his milk cow dead. Unable to face life with his sole source of income gone, he sets up a noose in the barn and takes his life.
The rancher's wife wakes up that same day, and goes to find her husband. When she sees the cow dead, and her husband hanging beside it, she goes to the nearby river and drowns herself.
The rancher's eldest son wakes up, finds the cow, his dad, and his mother all dead. He is approached by a beautiful woman who says that if he can make love to her 10 times in a row, that she will revive his parents and the cow. If he failed, she would kill him.
The eldest son, of course eager, immediately agrees. He doesn't make it, and she kills him on the spot.
The second eldest son wakes up, finds his family dead along with the cow, and is approached by this same mysterious beautiful woman, who proposes the same arrangement. This son, also eager, quickly jumps at the opportunity.
Again, the son falls short and is killed.
The third and youngest son wakes up and finds his family and cow dead, and is approached by the woman.
"Rough day, huh?" She said, offering him the same deal as her brothers.
"So I make love to you 10 times without stopping... and you bring everyone back... What if I make love to you 15 times?"
"Well... I'll bring everyone back, even the cow, and put a mansion where your little ranch is."
"Ok... well what if I make love to you 20 times without stopping?"
Laughing, the mysterious woman says, "Well, I'll give you a great big bag of gold, jewels, and money. So much that you and your family will be set for life."
"Fine, fine... but last question. If I make love to you 20 times without stopping, what's to stop you from dying from it? The milk cow did."

A zebra dies and goes to heaven

He meets Peter at the pearly gates, and decided to ask him a question that had been nagging him his whole life. "Peter, am I a white horse with black stripes, or am I a black horse with white stripes?" Peter is stumped, so he tells the zebra to ask the big man himself. So the zebra clip clops into heaven, and one day meets God. He finally gets enough courage to approach him and asks the same question he asked at the gates. God immediately replies "You are what you are, son." The zebra is even more confused than ever. After a few days, the zebra runs into Peter once again, and tells him what God told him.
"Oh, you're a white horse with black stripes!"
The zebra asks Peter how he could have possibly deduced that from Gods answer. "Well, if you were a black horse with white stripes, he would have told you 'You is what you is'"

What rhymes with Timbuktu?

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are!

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. It'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he says. 'You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you?'
The lawyer looks down in horror.
'FUCKING h**...!' he screams........'My Rolex!!!'

So I have this friend Jonathan...

Jon's been on a bit of a dry spell with the ladies lately. I suppose I should tell you a bit about Jonathan. He's a bit hard of hearing, but the ladies still love him despite that and his slightly diminutive stature, probably because he's usually the life of the party, buying drinks, etc. Anyway, back to the problem at hand.
We went to lunch the other day at a nice, quiet cafe. We started chatting about the usual, work, sports, whatever, but it came clear that Jon actually had invited me to give him some advice. He told me about his dry spell and of course I wanted to get to the root of the problem. A few minutes pass in silence. Finally, I ask, "Can I ask you a question?"
"WHAT?"
(Oh right, the hearing thing) "I said, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?"
"OK!"
"WHY DO YOU KEEP GETTING TURNED DOWN?"
"TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT!?"

Bongo!

A Torphy Hunter and his two aides were captured on a safari. The Tarolupa tribe took them in a caravan of a 100 hunters in wooden cages to their village.
In the village was the Chief. The Chief approached the cages as the hunters lined up in two lines of 50 men. The chief shook his spear at the three men and pointed to the second aide..."Death or Bongo?" The aide fearing for his life chose "Bongo."
He was pulled from the cage and sodomized by each of the hunters and ran away screaming into the jungle.
The Chief approached the second aid thrusting his spear and ask the same question. The response was the same and the man was sodomized and ran screaming into the jungle.
The Chief approached the Trophy Hunter and repeated the question "Death or Bongo?" The Hunter shook his head grimly and said "Death."
The Chief looked confused and then said "Death?" "Death by Bongo!" and the 100 men cheered
Another classic from DeepSpaghetti.org

Lord is my Savior

Father Jones was barely alive, clinging to the remaining wooden flanks of the sinking ship he was on. Rescue boats were busy rescuing other survivors in the ocean as soon as possible, but Father Jones wouldn't want any of that for himself. Being an ardent believer, he insisted *''Lord is my savior!''*, when a lifeboat came to rescue him. After almost an hour, another rescue boat came to search for anyone remaining alive, and they spotted Father Jones, who, as usual, insisted *''Lord is my savior!''*. The rescue boat finally went reluctantly.
Finally, after two hours, Father Jones managed to reach the Pearly Gates of Heaven. He prostrated before Jesus and said *"Lord my God, thank you for bestowing this grace upon me by showing yourself to me. I just have one question. All my life, I have firmly believed that you would always be there save me. Why did you not save me?"*
And Jesus spoke *"Well, my child, what do you think I was sending those rescue boats for?"*

A music teacher is facing the judge in court

After a few minutes, the judge recognises the man and asks him a question. "Hey, wasn't it you who taught my son to play the drums?"
"Uhh... yeah?" he replied.
"Life in prison for you!"

Pete and Repeat

Pete and Repeat were in a boat, Pete fell out and Repeat jumped in the water and saved Pete's life. Pete then asked Repeat to be the best man at his wedding. Pete's friends and family asked Pete what the name of his best man was to which he replied, Repeat. The family then repeated their question thinking Pete misheard them, to which Pete quickly caught on to the situation and informed him that his best man's name was in fact, Repeat. Then some noob created a joke about them. The noob was some distance cousin that nobody liked.

Three deceased appeared before st. peter in heaven...

Peter asked one of the deceased what he made in his previous life. The soul replied, "$300,000, I was a lawyer." Peter questioned the second deceased with the same question. "$75,000" the second man replied, "I was a salesman." Peter finally asked the third deceased how much he made to which the third man sheepishly replied, "Around $6000, I..." Peter interrupted the man, exclaiming, "OOOOOOH, what instrument did you play?!" (I heard this prairie home companion many years ago)

Timbuktu...

A priest and an Australian shepherd got a tie in a quiz show so they have to solve the last question: find a rhyme on the word Timbuktu.
After five minutes the priest returns and says:
"I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu..."
The crowd was cheering him and thought he would win as the shepherd returns:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went, we met three ladies cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, so I booked one and Tim booked two..."

A Job Interview... "What is your biggest weakness? What is your biggest strength?"

In my job interview, the interviewer told me I had done very well, and he had two final questions for me...
1) what is your biggest weakness?
2)what is your biggest strength?
I said "Well my biggest weakness is that i have trouble discerning between real life and fantasy"
The interview said "okay then, and what is your biggest strength then?"
I replied " Hmm, either that I can fly, or that I can turn invisible."

Tarzan learns about s**...

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him.
And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had s**...?
Tarzan not know s**... he replied.
Jane explained to him what s**... was.
Tarzan said ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.
Horrified Jane said,Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
Here she said, pointing to her privates,you must put it in here.
Tarzan removed his l**... cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the c**...!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed What did you do that for?
Tarzan replied, Check for squirrel.

Football in Heaven

Two die-hard football friends ( Jim and Pete ) were sitting after a game one talking abut life.
Jim: do people play football in heaven?
Pete: good question, never thought of it
Jim: Lets make a deal, the first on there check on that and bring the news.
(unfortunately Jim dies and experience his first game in heaven. A week later, he appears in Pete dream.
Jim: Ehh buddy, how is earth ?
Pete: good. Do they play football in heaven?
Jim: Well, i have a good news and a bad news. Good news is , I had my second game yesterday. Bad news, you are selected for the next one.

Many times when I am troubled or confused...

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a v**... Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."

A priest and a shepherd...

... from Australia participate in a gameshow on TV. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It's a city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his poem:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three ladies cheap to rent.
But they were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

Two retired gentlemen meet while on the beach in Florida

They sit down and strike up a conversation.
"So you moved down here after you retired. What did you do before?"
"I was in the sporting goods business. I started out selling socks from a cart. Before long I had a little store. The business grew, slowly at first, but after thirty years I owned the biggest sporting goods store for fifty miles. I wanted to slow down a little and enjoy my success, but none of the kids were interested in the business, and I had a hard time finding a buyer. Then, tragically, the store burned to the ground. Luckily, I had good insurance. It paid off more than enough to retire on, so here I am! What about you?"
"My story is much the same. I spent my life in the shoe business, until a flood wiped me out. Insurance saved me as well. I decided not to rebuild, just moved down here to relax."
"Wow, that's something. I have one question, though."
"What's that?"
"How do you start a flood?"

So Holmes and Watson go camping...

After a long trek through the woods they pitch their tent and turn in. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up and asks him "Look up in the sky. What do you see?"
To that, Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars"
Holmes followed up with another question: "What do you deduce from that?" to which Watson answered "If there are millions of stars, and even a few of them are planets, it means that there should be planets out there like Earth out there and if there are, that means that there is indeed other life outside of Earth"
Holmes looked him square in the face and said "Watson you idiot it means someone stole our tent!"

Went to the party dressed as a chicken last night.

Went to a party dressed as a chicken last night, and got with a girl who was dressed as an egg - a life long question was answered. It was the chicken.

A boy asks him mom about his name

Son: "Mom, why is my sister called Diamond?"
Mom: "That's easy, I named her after one of the two things I love the most in life."
Son: "What about my name?"
Mom: "That's enough questions for one day, Richard!"

In school, we had an assembly on bullying

The teacher spoke about a young gay boy, being bullied because of his sexuality. She spoke in length about his life, and the verbal a**... he suffers. She then asked a question, 'How do you think he takes it?' Apparently, 'Up the a**...!' wasn't a suitable answer.

A zebra dies and goes to heaven

The zebra meets God and asks him the one true question that he's been wondering his whole life.
"God, am I a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes?"
God responds, "You are who you are."
It was then that the zebra knew he was white with black stripes. If he was black with white stripes, God would have told him, "You is who you is."

The beard or me. You must choose.

A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.
He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who gets the apartment?"

A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...

"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."
The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal s**... life again?"
The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.
The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?! I will be OK, won't I!?"
The surgeon smiles and replies, "Yes, yes you'll be fine, it's just that no one has ever asked me that question after having their tonsils out."

Long life

A old friend of mine passed the other day, she was 107 years old, I asked her once what her secret to living so long was, she told me that when she was a child she asked her great grandfather the same question and he told her to sprinkle a teaspoon of gunpowder on top of her oatmeal every morning, and she and all her family has followed that advice, it worked apparently, she left behind 7 children, 17 grandchildren, 29 great grandchildren, 42 great great grandchildren, and a 40 foot crater where the crematorium used to be...

After he fell off the wall, Humpty Dumpty fell on hard times....

He couldn't get his life together. Humpty didn't remember eggsactly what happened. He was diagnosed with amnesia and his memories were scrambled from that moment. Humpty walked out of the hospital he was all yolked up and crying. He fell to drugs and became a crack head. Humpty became a true shell of himself before he went to rehab. It was difficult for him since people were hard boiling him with questions about his state of mind. Humpty couldn't take all this stress and he started to mentally break fast. But, with help from a doctor, went back to normal and everything became sunny side up.

A man went to the doctor asking what he could do to live longer.

The doctor asked him some preliminary questions.
"Do you drink much?"
"No, Doctor."
"Do you smoke?"
"No, Doctor."
"Do you stay up late or go to wild parties?"
"No, Doctor."
"Do you eat fatty or sugary foods?"
"No, Doctor."
"Do you consume milk or dairy products?"
"No, Doctor."
"Do you eat meat?"
"No, Doctor."
The doctor continued to ask the man about his lifestyle, and found that the man was leading a very healthy life. At this, the doctor was perplexed.
"So is there a way I can live longer?" The man asked.
The doctor replied, "Perhaps - but why would you want to?" :P

Travel to Mars

After years of work and billions of dollars, we can send a single astronaut to Mars and back. Jimmy is chosen to go on the mission with zero possibility of communication until he returns 10 years later. With a huge celebration, the shuttle takes off and the wait begins. After 10 years, Jimmy returns. Everyone is ecstatic, scientists, politicians and reporters all ask the same question: "Is there life on Mars?"
"It's a dead, s**... planet" answers Jimmy, shrugging. Everybody is sad, disappointed, accepting defeat.
When he's back at his house, his kid asks again "Dad, is there really no life on Mars?"
"Okay, so all the stores close at 2pm and they don't have whiskey, would you call it a life?"

Wedding day and birthday

This married couple have a wedding day that is on the same day as the wife's birthday. When asked about it, the wife said:
"It's because he convinced me to. He said it's to make the most important day of my life twice as important as any other normal wedding day. I'm happy that he's the one I'm married to."
The husband, when asked the same question:
"It's easier to remember the date that way."

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.
I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.
Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,
there is a stairway to heaven.

So there comes a time in every married couple's life where the big question is asked.

So the husband turns to his wife and asks "Honey, do you want kids?"
The wife responds with "I'm not sure?"
After an hour of careful consideration and thought, the two came to a decision.
"So, we don't want kids." Said the husband. The wife agreed.
So they turned to their son and daughter, picked them up and kicked them out the door.

Disappointed, Sarah the egg pushed Chris the chicken off her after the shortest s**... of her life.

I guess we answered that question, she said.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were on horseback across the prairies...

Every now and then Tonto would dismount his horse and put his ear to the group to check for while life or followers.
Each and every time the Lone Ranger was amazed by Tonto's talent. He never questioned his predictions. When he said cowboys were up ahead, there were. When he said wild life was near by, sure enough there was. Enough for pelts, food whatever...
Finally curiosity got the better of the Lone Ranger. When Tonto got off his horse but his ear to the ground and pronounced 'Buffalo come!' He had to ask how Tonto knew this...
Tonto simply replied 'Ear stuck to ground!'

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe as his boss lectured and answered difficult questions about the nature of things and the meaning of life.

Then, one day, the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for just one evening. The philosopher agreed, and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.
However, when the time came for questions, someone at the back of the room asked him, "Is the epistemological meta-narrative that you seem to espouse compatible with a teleological account of the universe?"
"That's an extremely simple question," he replied. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer it."

So a furry is fairly confused

A furry walks into an algebra class, one of the questions puzzle him
He asked the teacher "Hey, how is this supposed to help us in life?"
The teacher replied "It isn't in a physical sense, but more requires a mathematical perspective"
And thus the Furry replied "OwOK"

Life Support

After the birth of their first child Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order. They went to a lawyer and outlined for him their ideas about how their estate should be handled.
The lawyer then asked them questions about what medical means should be employed should they become severely injured.
Tom spoke up, "I don't want my life regulated by some machine. I just can't stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle."
Sarah took Tom's words to heart. When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom's beer.

A woman visits a monastery

She asks the head monk a few questions about improving her concentration in her daily life, but the monk says the answer is too long. He offers to e-mail her later, which leads her to ask, "Are monks allowed to use e-mail?" to which the monk replies, "Sure, as long as they don't have any attachments."

At an ecumenical round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question "When does life start?"

"At conception," said the Catholic priest.
"No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "It begins at birth."
"It's in between," said the Baptist. "Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."
"I disagree with all of you," said the rabbi. "Life begins when your last child leaves home and takes the dog with him."

A guy gets to Heaven and meets God for the first time...

God says, welcome my child. For living an exemplary life and following in my footsteps, I welcome you to Heaven and will answer one question for you. The answer to any of your life's mysteries that you desire.
The man ponders. He hurriedly thinks back on his life, wondering which answer he wants the most and not wanting to waste God's time, but he can't decide. He stares back at Him, unsure of what to say.
God says, don't worry my child, I am all knowing, so I already know what question you will ask.
The man, visibly relieved, exclaimed oh thank you! What is it?
That one. Enjoy eternity!