Life jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Life of all time along with the funniest life gags ever told.
So Tekashi69 could face life in prison
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...
Then plug me back in, see if that works.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...
Happy Mother's Day!
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday
I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"
Tarzan learns about sex
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him.
And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
Tarzan not know sex he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.
Horrified Jane said,Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
Here she said, pointing to her privates,you must put it in here.
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed What did you do that for?
Tarzan replied, Check for squirrel.
"Don't knock masturbation..."
"It's sex with someone you love."... Woody Allen.
Moar...
'Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good.'
And lastly...
'My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.'
What technology are old people better at using than young people?
Life support.
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "
During our First Dance at our Wedding
My new wife looked into my eyes and said "Where have you been my whole life?" I said "SOBER"
What is a gift you could give to your S/O on valentines day that will live on with them their entire life?
Herpes, The gift that keeps on giving.
Humor
Time to put a little humor in your life. In today's blog, read all about being funny and how you can become a successful humorist. In other wordsβhow to become a wit rather than a nitwit. Have some fun and exercise your funny bone.
Did I tell you about my Viagra addiction?
It was the hardest 6 months of my life.
My father told me...
One day you'll leave this world behind
So live a life you will remember !
That he is a Huge Avicii Fan !
what happens when the world stops existing,when all the stars and planets don't exist anymore?
Half life 3 will go into early development.
This one weird trick guaranteed to get you an active sex life!
masturbation!
This one simple trick which will get you a guaranteed sex life...
masturbation
I had a Viagra addiction...
and it was the hardest time of my life.
When life gives you melons...
...make demon ale.
Did you hear the one about the atheist who died and went to heaven but was brought back to life.
At an Irish wedding...
...the bride stood to make a toast. She asked, "Would all the married men here stand next to the person that has made your life worth living..."
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Life is like huffing butane...
first you huff the butane, then you die
Did you know that the guy who invented Tic Tacs never had to work another day in his life?
He made a mint.
Based off of a meme
My wife and I were talking about the challenges we face in life, and the difficulties we had. She told me to see things from her point of view.
So, I looked out the kitchen window.
No Brain.
American:Hey you brainless
Asian:What?
American:Who are you anyway?
Asian: No Brain
Life is exciting in philippines you'll see their fails and hatedness also if your house is tall and can still be tresspassed i can see to have alot of Farters everywhere and the polices were faLife is exciting in philippines you'll see their fails and hatedness also if your house is tall a
Conversation between a girl and a boy
Girl: I Love You.
Boy: LoL
Girl: I Miss You I Miss You.
Boy: LoL LoL LoL...
Girl: I can give my life for you
Boy: LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL ...
Girl: I cant live without you.
Boy: LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL ....
Girl: My parents are out for 1 week, I will be alone at home.
Boy: When???
Girl: LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL .... LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL ... LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL .... LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL .... LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL ... LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL ...
Boy: When Sweetheart ??
Girl: LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL .... LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL ... LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL ....
Boy: Tell me when??
Girl: LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL .... LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL ... LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL .... LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL .... LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL ... LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL LoL ...
Browse all life jokes or go to table of contents
Life jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.
Short jokes about life, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.
So Tekashi69 could face life in prison
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...
Then plug me back in, see if that works.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...
Happy Mother's Day!
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday
I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"
I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.
She rang my room and said,
What the fuck are you doing
with your life?
Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.
Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..
I overdosed on Viagra once.
It was the hardest day of my life.
Best of the political jokes. Funny jokes about politicans, political parties, government
They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning.
The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore.
Bush asks the boys how he can repay them.
The first boy says, "I want a boat."
The second boy says, "I want a truck."
The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone."
Bush asks, "Why is that?"
The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
"Because it would be hilarious," is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
Staged by the government to discredit an entire religion.
Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.
When asked why, he replied, has anyone ran a race with a Kenyan and won?
Best jokes about Islam, Christianity, Hinduism religions along with atheist jokes.
Praying For Nothing?
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above:
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
Staged by the government to discredit an entire religion.
Woman: Really? How?
Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.
The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.
A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."
I said I'm just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
I then he sat down and I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before!"
if you give me ten euros, I will pray for your black soul."
I gave her the ten euros, became suspicious, didn't believe her and told her: "ok, but pray for me right now, not in the evening."
The woman has begun: "guardian angel, please, take care of my soul, forgive me all my sins and give me everything I need in my life."
I have asked her only: "for my money?"
A Jewish Grandmother is with her 3 y.o. grandson at the beach
The grandson is playing in the sand when a huge wave comes in and sweeps him out to sea. The grandmother panic-stricken drops to her knees in the sand, "Dear Lord, please save my grandson, I have been a religious woman and I have given generously to charity and to the synagogue. If you would spare my grandson, I will devote my life even further to you."
Upon her final words, the clouds part and a huge wind carries the grandson across the water dropping him gently and unharmed at his grandmother's feet.
At this, the grandmother drops again to her knees and says, "Dear Lord ....... he was wearing a hat."
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
Some of the dirtiest jokes about life.
Dirty Joke
My sex life with my wife has started degrading.
Guess it's time to Bury her corpse
A joke about Viagra my grandfather told me. Slightly dirty.
A woman walks into a pharmacy and goes directly to the pharmacist.
Woman: Excuse me sir, my husband is having trouble getting hard and it's really affecting our sex life. Is there anything you'd recommend?
Pharmacist: Yes, I would recommend Viagra. It helps increase the blood flow to the penis, therefore it will be easier to get an erection.
Woman: Oh I see! And this is an expensive drug?
Pharmacist: Not at all, it only costs $10.00 a pill.
Woman: Very good! Can you get it over the counter?
He looks down or a few seconds...
Pharmacist: Well if I took a couple of them I probably could
Dirty old man
An old man was sitting on a bench when a teenager with a rainbow mohawk walked by. The old man stared at him. Seeing him star, the teenager said "What's the matter old-timer, never done anything crazy in your life?" The old man replied "Many years ago, I got drunk at a wild party and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering whether you were my son."
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
Success is like pregnancy.
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
More dirty jokes or go to table of contents
Life is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about life.
Are Life jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring life joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read life jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with life jokes on YouTube.
Jokes about life of celebrities like the Pope, Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs, Gordon Ramsey and many more about famous presidents, actors, athletes and music stars.
Friend: That's Ludacris. How Kanye West your money like that?
They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning.
The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore.
Bush asks the boys how he can repay them.
The first boy says, "I want a boat."
The second boy says, "I want a truck."
The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone."
Bush asks, "Why is that?"
The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."
How did Nicki Minaj know what Lil Wayne is giving her for Christmas?
Lil Wayne isn't very good at wrapping.
He died cause Chuck Norris decided to not let him live anymore.
.. but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".
..
So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.
At the grammy awards Beyonce said to Justin Bieber, "What song would u sing of mine justin?"
Justin said, "If I were a boy."
Every time you're sad, just remember that somewhere out there a tree grew for years and years, but was then destroyed and became material for a Justin Bieber notebook.
Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.
"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce.
"I'll play him."
"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.
"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.
"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.
Talk to me when Lebron saves the looney tunes from an alien race.
Growing up, Samuel L. Jackson didn't have a mother and a father.
He had a mother and a motherf*cker.
I watched Justin Bieber get shot in CSI and my brother asked "Why are you crying?"
I said "Because he didn't die in real life"
Everytime a someone tells me my jokes are funny, I say, "Thanks! I got more lines than Whitney Huston's coffee table.".
Friendly reminder that Adele and Taylor Swift are the same age, yet one is pregnant and another stuck in middle school.
Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?
They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die.
Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn't have a Flash player installed!
That's just 3 random words.
I'm going to try now.
Jockstrap squirrel potatoes.
Apparently Neil Armstrong use to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and followed them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there."
..
Wait, is this Connor, Patrick, Joe, Luca, Taylor, John, Cory, Toby, Jake, Garret, Eddie, or Harry?
Peter wouldnβt let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.
And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, βHow do I know youβre Picasso?β
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces.
St. Peter was convinced and let him in.
When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates.
βHow can you prove to me youβre George W. Bush?β Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, βWell heck, I donβt know.β
St. Peter says, βWell, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove youβre George W. Bush?β
Bush replies, βWho are Albert Einstein and Picasso?β
St. Peter says, βIt must be you, George, cβmon on in.β
There was a big problem among the saints because the half of them wanted him to hell and the other half in Paradise.
Then they asked God, who of course tells them to go to Hell.
After a week of being in hell, devil visited St. Peter and complained: "This Lenin will destroy me. One week in Hell only and he has already started their courses and demonstrations."
St. Peter much forced agrees to accept Lenin in Paradise.
From that day and then there was a disturbing silence.
After two months St. Peter goes to heaven and he sees what?
Everyone sitting around and Lenin standing in the middle and talking.
Among the distinguished listeners the Saint recognises Jesus Christ.
He calls him and says: "God will punish you"
And he answers: "Who? God? But God does not exist."
The Pope leaned towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped her.
There's a rumor that Steve Jobs, has been a Buddhist, has been reincarnated as a factory worker on a sweatshop assembly line in China.
I thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 minutes before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a pigeon.
.
*Kanye grabs mic*
Kanye: She do.
Q: If Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton participated in a spelling contest, who would win?
A: Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that "harass" is one word.
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: βThe Scottish guy must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.β
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: βThe English guy must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.β
And the Scotsman was thinking: βThis is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel Iβll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.'
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton and Representative Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.
They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
"
Bill Clinton storms into his office and demaned to know who did it.
So his two body guards run out to find out who it was.
Five hours later the two gaurds come back in, they told Bill, "We have some bad news, and we have worse news."
"What is the bad news?" asked Bill.
"Well, the bad news is, we took a urine test, and it was his vice-president, Al Gore."
"Whats the worst news?" asked Bill.
"The worst news is that it is Hillary's hand writing!"
She needs to go live with her Aunty and Uncle in Bel-Air.
Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction...
Jokes about best and worst food you can eat.
Food has replaced sex in my life.
I can't even get into my own pants.
My Life Sucks...
...I'm 22 years old and the only job I've had so far was working in fast food. My co-worker hates me and has tried to kill me. Also I have no friends except a southern girl I like and my other friend who only hangs out with me because he is mental. I have to ride my bike everywhere because I can never get my drivers license. And the worst part is, I live in a pineapple.ο»Ώ
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
No.
The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
No.
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.
Guy goes every day to the same diner, looks over the menu, and always orders the same thing: ham and eggs.
Every day, the same thing: ham and eggs.
Waitress decides to play a trick on him and scratches it from the menu.
He comes in, she says, "You know that thing you like so much? I scratched it."
"Well, wash off your hand and get me some ham and eggs."
Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
The police thought it was a cereal killer.
An airplane crashes on a deserted island and only 2 men and a woman survive.
The three wait and survive for a few weeks before they realize that they aren't going to be rescued. They decide to accept their fate and start enjoying life on the island. They have plenty of food, water, and other supplies that they found around the island. Naturally they start to have urges, and they decide that the guys will take turns for when the girl is in the mood.
So life is good for a few weeks until the girl becomes fatally ill. The girl dies a week later. So the two men think about what they should do now.
Man 1: "I have an idea... But I've never done it before."
Man 2: "I know what you're thinking. I'm willing to try it..."
So every night for about 3 weeks after the girl died, the men attempt the idea and each morning both men are sore and disgusted. Finally one night:
Man 1: "STOP! We can't do this anymore! It isn't right! It's not natural!"
Man 2: "Yes, I agree... We'll bury her body in the morning."
The turkey's been in the oven for two hours, and it's still running around!
Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky.
Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
With them, his little 5year-old daughter was there.
"Donβt you want to say the prayers before lunch, so Our Holly Father give us his blessings?," asks the father.
"But... I donβt know what to say...," the little girl admits.
"Just say what you heard your mommy say last time inside the kitchen!," said her mother to help her.
And the girl: "Oh, God! Why in this life, my husband must invite all these people for lunch?"
I'll make us an omelet" and "We're having scrambled eggs.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
Customer: "Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?"
Waiter: "Canβt you tell the difference by taste?"
Customer: "No, I canβt."
Waiter: "Then does it really matter?"
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
I'll be back in a minute."
Five minutes later, the the female egg walked out in a slinky "egg"lige, rubbing her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.
"What are you doing?," the female egg asked.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon."
Why It Sucks to Be an Egg...
You only get laid once, you only get hard once, and when you DO finally get hard, it takes under three minutes and you're already in hot water.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."
Customer: "Waiter, whatβs the meaning of this fly in my tea up?"
Waiter: "I wouldnβt know sir, Iβm a waiter, not a fortune teller."
He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one.
The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.
The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?"
He says, "Soup and ice cream!"
An Amish Woman Discovers An Elevator
There was this elderly, Amish woman who went with her family to a mall for the first time in their lives. The whole family was mesmerized by the hundreds of stores, the lights, the food court. And then, for the first time in her life, the Amish woman saw an elevator. She watched as an elderly man approached the elevator doors and entered. The doors closed. A minute later, the doors opened and a guy looking like George Clooney stepped out. She saw another old guy get on, and, a minute later, out came a Matt Damon look-alike. A third old man went in and out came a Ryan Gosling-type man. She called to her daughter, "Quick, go get your father."
The waiter tells them, "Excuse me if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
I hate my life...
I'm 22 years old that works at a fast food restraunt.
My coworker makes fun of me and my boss is really cheap and cuts my pay.
I can't drive to work so I walk because I fail my driver test every time.
My only friend is retarted.
And what worse is that...
I live in a pineapple under the sea.
My life sucks
Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint. What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates. I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken. I'm socially awkward, even my only other co-worker fucking hates my guts. I have repressed lust for one of my best friends too; she's athletic, smart and a gorgeous southern bell. I love her. You know what it's like; I've been friend zoned real hard. She's my only real friend, besides this one kid, who I'm pretty sure is only hanging around me because he is mentally challenged. I guess he's the only one that can tolerate me. And what makes this all worse is that I live in a fucking pineapple under the sea.
life of a guy that sucks... the story of bob
bob: my life sucks!
me: don't say that.
bob: i recently got a job at a fast food restaurant
bob: my co-worker and my boss think i'm retarded
bob: i have to walk across town because i don't have a driver's license
me: poor you
bob: my only friend is stupid and we just do retarded shit together
bob: i only live with my cat
bob: and you know what's the worst thing?!
me: what?
bob: i live in a pineapple under the sea
me: OH YOU GOT ME HAHAHA
bob: yeah ;D
We actually talked to each other.
It was awful!
I'm so mad, I don't know what to do with my life anymore....
Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint. What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates. I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken. I'm socially awkward, even my only other co-worker fucking hates my guts. I have repressed lust for one of my best friends too; she's athletic, smart and a gorgeous southern bell. I love her. You know what it's like; I've been friend zoned real hard. She's my only real friend, besides this one kid, who I'm pretty sure is only hanging around me because he is mentally challenged. I guess he's the only one that can tolerate me. And what makes this all worse is that I live in a fucking pineapple under the sea.ο»Ώ
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
The butcher asks if she'd like to try some damn ham.
The preacher's wife is shocked.
The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo.
That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?"
His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher.
The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home.
She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo.
At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham."
The son replies, "I'll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."
A sheik emerges, followed by a harem of women and a rooster.
After ordering for himself and his harem, the sheik requests a basket of apples for the rooster.
The rooster proceeds to eats three baskets of apples.
The waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.
The sheik explains, "A genie granted me three wishes. My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beautiful women. And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock."
I used to have a problem choking on my food all the time
Now I only eat cheerios and life savers
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.
He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsenβs Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsenβs Laundry?'"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'
He say, 'Hans Olaffsen.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
I can't wait for Valentine's Day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.
The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen.
While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza.
The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt.
As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.
Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger.
The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit.
Shocked an bewildered, the health inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.
"That's nothing," replied the manager, "You should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me...
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie.
As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it.
The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie.
The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied.
"He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
Have you heard of the new Obama happy meal at Mcdonalds?
It comes with a promise that you'll get a toy someday.
To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. βHowβs your sex life?β asked the doctor.
βPretty good,β the man said, to the doctorβs obvious relief.
But then the patient added, βIβve had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems.β
βWhatβs that?β the doctor asked anxiously.
βWell, every time I urinate, my eyes water.β
βHmm,β said the doctor, thoughtfully.
βThatβs not all,β continued the patient. βWhen my wife does me orally, she gets heartburn.β
βHmm,β said the doctor, as his face reddened.
βIt gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger standβ¦.I get an erection!β
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."
She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" came the reply
A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast.
On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister.
She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on.
She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed."
The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great so she decides to go and see mother superior.
She asks mother superior, "Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed when I feel great and mother superior says,"That is because you have brother Johns shoes on."
An aging man lived alone in Ireland.
His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.
"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words.
"I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say.
"You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Old man in the mall
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? The old man did not bat an eye in his response, Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
Los Angeles Homeless...
Homeless people here are different.
You ever notice that?
Our homeless people are serious, man.
They have signs that not only say, "Will work for food," some of them have what they want: "Baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet potato pie, sour chives."
"
Doctor: "Really, your condition is very serious. Wait a bit."
(After sometime, the doctor holds out some medicines).
Doctor: "Take these pills. You take one pill after your sleep and another one before you get-up."
"
Patient: "Doctor, weβve only 3 spoons at home."
They've broken in my house so many times, they leave notes complaining about things: "The salt was low."
"Pick up bread. We be back."
Grease all over my stove they cooked and left the best chicken and dressing you ever want to lay your lips on.
Woman Goes Doctor Latvia
Woman go to see doctor. Doctor shake head and say, "Six more days life then die." Woman is feel sad. Woman asks, "Is no thing I can take?" Doctor say, "Food."
More food jokes or go to table of contents
Funny jokes about death as inevitable part of life. They can be about funeral, life after death, heaven or hell.
My grandpa told me this one.
So an older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same house?" And the husband says, "Well, I suppose, I mean, it's already paid for." The wife, getting a little protective, asks, "And what about my car? Will she drive my car?" The husband says again, "Well, it's already paid for..."
The wife, annoyed at this point, shoots, "What about my golf clubs?!?" And the husband says, "Oh, no. She's left handed."
A girl was about to jump off a cliff...
A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have sex with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."
At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled...
"Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.
But I think his death was a fitting metaphor for apples attitude to battery life.
At an Irish wedding...
...the bride stood to make a toast. She asked, "Would all the married men here stand next to the person that has made your life worth living..."
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Irish Wedding Reception
At an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who made your life worth living..."
The bartender was nearly crushed to death
A priest and a nun were riding a camel through the desert.
Suddenly, the camel keels over and dies. They're lying there contemplating their certain death, when the priest says,
"You know, I've never seen a naked woman before..."
The nun decides to take off her clothes. Then she says,
"I've never seen a naked man before."
The priest takes off his clothes. The nun looks down at his crotch and asks the priest "What's that?"
"It's a gift that god gave me to create life," he said.
"Great!" said the nun. "Now shove it up that camel's ass and lets get outta here!"
At an Irish wedding, someone said,
"Would all the married men stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living?" The bartender was almost crushed to death.
One last request...
An inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One last thing I would really like to do is sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."
really old joke based off a video game from the 90's
What are the three certainties in life? ( Thank you for spellcheck on google chrome ) 1. death 2. taxes. 3. you'll hear this joke sooner or later
There are only two things certain in life
death, taxes, and people who can't count.
A man faced with death will have his life spared if he can explain the song being visually represented by a flock of naked women.
The man is led to an empty concert hall where 8 naked women are being led in.
They were placed so that the first one was facing him, the second
with her back to him, the third facing him, the fourth with her back to him, the fifth facing him, and the last three with their backs to him.
"Guess that song!" his oppressor demanded.
"Ah, that one's easy!," he exclaimed, triumphantly.
"It's William Tell Overture...
titty rump titty rump titty rump rump rump."
A man dies before being resuscitated
And ends up going to hell for a few minutes before coming back to life. His friend asks him what death was like, and he had only positive things to say about hell: "Oh man, it was great. There were beautiful women, all you could drink, basically a free for all party down there. The only thing is, you are up to your knees in shit!" After hearing what hell was like, the friend realizes that he could look past the "shitty" part of hell and actually enjoy it, so he convinces himself and his pal to kill themselves so they can start partying without wasting any time!
The men get down to hell and are having a great time. All the sudden, 5:00 p.m. rolls around. The devil comes out and asks every how they are doing, and all the newcomers exclaim how much they love hell. The devil sounds: "Great! Well its 5:00 p.m., time to bow down"
They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning.
The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore.
Bush asks the boys how he can repay them.
The first boy says, "I want a boat."
The second boy says, "I want a truck."
The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone."
Bush asks, "Why is that?"
The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."
My doctor advised me to kill people. Not in such words of course, he just said that I must diminish the amount of stress in my life.
Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shit Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they need to.
I'll never forget how my grandfather died...
Every one in our family remembers it - he didn't hesitate, he looked calmly, then pushed forward, charging into the face of death, and managed to kill 5 of em' before a piece of shrapnel ended his life...
Meanwhile my grandma was shouting "IT'S A RED LIGHT!"
Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
The police thought it was a cereal killer.
He died cause Chuck Norris decided to not let him live anymore.
Did you hear about the pig that saved a man's life?
There was this guy who was starving to death...
There is a brouhaha.
Sherlock Holmes asks St. Peter what seems to be the problem.
Apparently, Adam has gone 'walkabout' among all the souls.
It will take ages to find him. Holmes tracks down Adam, very quickly.
The Lord asks Holmes how he recognized Adam among the millions of souls, without ever having met him.
"Elementary, my dear God, he has no navel."
Excuse me I had forgotten to tell you that yesterday."
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
These are also Chuck Norris' initials.
This is not a coincidence.
Are you scared of water?
Well you should be.
400,000 people drown per year.
What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.
Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky.
Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
At an Irish wedding...
At an Irish wedding, someone yelled:
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living".
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
"
Doctor: "Donβt worry. I have another patient near here. So I can Kill two birds with one stone."
You can break a girl's head with a simple stone, and with a precious stone, you can break a girl's heart. But the wise say it is better with a simple one.
Certainty
Fewer things in life are certain than death, taxes and if you name your son Chester he will touch children
Thirty years ago I murdered my wife and children...
.....I then stabbed to death her parents, my parents and all our friends. It was an episode in my life I regret terribly, now.
I get released tomorrow and there's no-one to pick me up now.
Why is the Angel of Death so socially awkward?
Because he sucks at life.
I have always been called a poor bastard.
Well, I hope my death makes more cents than my life.
This is from Joker (2019)
Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction...
Chuck Norris ran up to the goat and beard rubbed it back to life.
There was a big problem among the saints because the half of them wanted him to hell and the other half in Paradise.
Then they asked God, who of course tells them to go to Hell.
After a week of being in hell, devil visited St. Peter and complained: "This Lenin will destroy me. One week in Hell only and he has already started their courses and demonstrations."
St. Peter much forced agrees to accept Lenin in Paradise.
From that day and then there was a disturbing silence.
After two months St. Peter goes to heaven and he sees what?
Everyone sitting around and Lenin standing in the middle and talking.
Among the distinguished listeners the Saint recognises Jesus Christ.
He calls him and says: "God will punish you"
And he answers: "Who? God? But God does not exist."
There were two brothers.
One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.
His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didnβt care who he hurt.
The bad brother died.
The good brother missed him despite his ways.
Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven.
Everything was beautiful and wonderful there and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadnβt seen him there.
God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.
The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.
So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother.
He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with You. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I donβt understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment."
God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."
Chuck Norris can strum your pain with his fingers, tell your whole life with his words β but mainly just kill you softly with his song.
Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down.
There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it... and the blonde doesn't."
Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?
They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die.
Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn't have a Flash player installed!
You in there with mass murderers and everybody.
"What you in here for?"
"I killed six people. What you in here for?"
"Comedy Central."
Because if that was the case, the song "Achy Breaky Heart" would have made me kill somebody about a year ago.
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill:
"One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".
The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from:
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill.
Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought...
Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There's two of them."
"Killed it" is a figure of speech implying someone stopped the banter.
To Chuck Norris that's just the motto of his life.
Two Reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder:
Firstly, the DNA all matches and secondly, there are no dental records.
The only difference is, then he kills people.
Ahead of him is a guy whoβs dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "Iβm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and itβs the ministerβs turn.
He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years."
St Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Shakespeare's The Life and Death of King Richard III
Spoiler Alert:
Richard III dies in the end.
The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book.
He then asked the Pope for his name and looked it up in his book also.
"Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter.
They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings.
St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house.
The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.
St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack.
St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.
The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute!"
That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion.
I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?"
St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.
First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"
After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead.
She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"
The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
A politican dies
But just as in life so in death, and the divine powers don't really know where to put the guy, is he a good guy or bad guy?
So St. Pete and Lucifer decide to show the deceased what they can offer him in the afterlife.
First it is downstairs, the gates of Hell open, and there's booze, naked chicks, in short sex, drugs 'n rock & roll, all over the place and everyone is happy having a super time.
"Impressive, is it like this all the time?" asks the Politican
"All the time" Promises Lucifer
"Ok, let's see what Pete has to offer"
The elevator goes upstairs, and St. Peter opens the pearly gates, and gives him the tour, people are being handed out wings, haloo and a harp at the gates and continue flying up in the skies playing the most wonderful music, but beside that, there's not much happening.
"Hmm this all seems nice and such, but I think it would become kinda boring in the long run, so I'll take my chances with the party downstairs."
And down the elevator goes again, the gates of Hell open again, but this time people are standing on their heads in knee deep shit, while their feet get grilled by small dæmons. People get get put through all kinds of torment without the suffering ending, and there are screams of pain and misery all over the place.
Slightly shocked the politican asks Lucifer
"what happend to the party and all that nice life?"
"Oh that was just my sales pitch to get elected"
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said, βI canβt take this, Iβm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!β
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
βWhat happened?β asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, βThey were twins and mine died!β
Sex After Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion .... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The Irishman replied, "These are Carol's"
A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic ocean.
Starving to death they found a can of roastbeef.
They start debating how to open the can without can-opener.
Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it.
Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire.
Economist: "Let's suppose the can is opened...."
He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.
The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl"
"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says.
"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother.
"But I'm not an American," the man says.
"What are you then?" asks the mother.
"I'm an Iranian," the man says.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.
They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
We won't be needing cryogenics cos Chuck's already frozen.
My dotor told me: "I've tow news for U; one good and the other one bad, which one do U prefer to hear first?"
I replied I prefer the good one.
Doctor: "U will die after next 24 hours!"
I told: "Then what is the bad newsrnDoctor: "I forgot to tell U yesterday!"
The secret to a long life
Avoid death
Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I donβt want to tell you how to do somethingβ¦ but I can tell you that itβs much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers wonβt dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but weβre getting farther from the truck," the other added.
Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
"You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."
From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge.
"You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"
A guy dies and is sent to hell.
Extremely frightened because of that, he is very surprised when he arrives; beach, palm trees, sun is shining, happy people around in shorts and bikinis.
Behind the next corner there are people eating great food and there's some cool music playing.
After some time of wondering, a man in an expensive suit approaches him and says: "Hi, you must be the new one. Welcome to hell, I'm the devil. As you're gonna spend eternity here, make yourself comfortable and have a drink. If anything bothers you, always feel free to ask me."
The guy still doesn't really understand what's going on, this is not what he expected.
But finally he decides to inspect the area.
Everywhere he goes, there are people laughing and having a great time, there's games, party and fun all around.
Then he arrives at a steep cliff that divides the paradise hell from an area underneath, and there is hell as we know it: demons torturing the doomed, there's fire and the smell of brimstone.
Shocked, he runs to the devil and says "Devil, how can that be? Here, we have the sweet eternity and down there people are tortured and burned! How can that be?!"
The devil laughs and says "Oh, that. That's the Catholics - they want it that way."
An alien lord lands in the middle of the desert and demands to see the ruler of all this planet and make it bow to his will, except he made two grave mistakes, first he landed in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night and second he didn't know anything about the inhabitants.
So he approaches the first life form he finds which was a gas pump and demands it to take him to the leader.
Well it's a gas pump so it doesn't say anything obviously, getting aggravated he demands again but this time pulls his laser pistol and says
"This is the last time I ask earthling!"
Just then his general whispers to him "Hey calm down buddy don't mess with this guy, he's a badass motherfucker".
Shrugging off his comrade he furiously demands a response and after brief moments of silence, he blasts the pump and BOOM!
A huge explosion occurs and they land a mile away.
As they sit there dusting themselves off the alien lord looks at the general and asks "We have conquered the cosmos and all sorts of life forms, I've never seen you sweat in the face of an adversary, how did you know this guy was such a badass motherfucker?"
The general looks over and says "Man if you could wrap your dick around your body 3 times and then plug it in your ear, you are a badass motherfucker."
A cat died and went to Heaven.
God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, "You have been a good cat for these 40 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more."
Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together.
God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again."
God said, "It is done!"
All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat.
He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.
God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over here are delicious!"
Riddle me this.
What do mortal men love more than life? Fear more than death, or mortal strife? What do rich men need, that the poor have, which the content desire.
Would you rather be cursed with scenario 1 or 2?
Scenario 1:
When you reach the most enjoyable point in your life. A crane like machine will bust through the wall and erotic asphyxiate you to death. It will happen during a public event such as a wedding, birthday party etc. And when you are just about to finish the device will jerk your penis in the direction of your closest relative as you ejaculate and it snuffs out your life.
Scenario 2:
For the rest of your life Justin Beiber appears like a genie when you disagree with anyone. He appears quicker than you can recoil and punches you in the face. He is wearing brass knuckles so it will actually hurt. He than quickly calls you a "little bitch" and just as quickly disappears before you can do anything about it.
Jenna, Jessica and ariana die.
They all go to heaven and GOD says, "You can do whatever you want, just don't step on a pink cloud".
The first day, Jenna goes out and comes back with a ugly guy.
Jessica and Ariana ask, "what happen?".
Jenna says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".
The next day, Jessica goes out, she comes back with a ugly guy.
Jenna and Ariana ask, "what happen?".
Jessica says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".
The following day Araina goes out and comes back with a HOTT guy, blue eyes, thin and tall.
Jenna and jessica ask, "What happen?"
The guy says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".
Jake and Bill raped a princes..
Long time ago Jake and Bill raped a princes. The King was so angry for what they did that he ordered them to be captured and sentence to death. Jake and Bill beg for their life saying "we will do anything just spare our lives". The king with a grin on his face had other plans.
so the king said "Bring me fruit and maybe ill spare your lives". After hearing the request Jake ran as quick as he could and returned back with two pieces of grape saying "is my life spared now my king?", the king said "not yet...shove them up in your ass" Jake without no choice shoved the grapes up in his ass.
Bill on the other hand brought back two watermelons.
Reincarnation.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, breakfast and then it's off to the golf course then I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun, then have sex a couple of more times."
"Then I have lunch (You'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon."
"After supper it's back to the golf course again, then it's more sex until late at night, where I catch some much needed sleep, and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...! I'm a rabbit in Arizona!"
The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn.
The first man said:
"Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't having a shower so I search the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started bashing away at them. When he fell god must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a heart attack."
That's horrific said the gate keeper, he asked the second man how he died and he said.
"Well imagine this I was riding one of those stationary bike on the top of our apartment building but it went wrong I feel down and grabbed some ones window sill. Then some idiot started bashing ar my fingers then I fell but god must have loved me because i lived then -SHANNOOOWWWW- a refrigerator plunged down at me"
That is to horrific.
He asked the third man how he died and he said.
"Well imagine that I was naked in a refrigerator..."
The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.
"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."
"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
Bob and Jim.
Bob and Jim have always been bestfriends and grew up together playing baseball. They both loved baseball their whole lives and had always had a passion for the game. In the end of their life Jim is with bob on his death bed. Jim says to Bob, "After you go, can you send me a sign to tell me if there is baseball in heaven or not?" Bob agrees and passes soon after. A week goes by and Jim wakes up in the middle of the night with Bobs ghost standing in front of him. Bob says, "Jim, I have some good news and some bad news." Jim replies, "What's the good news? Is there baseball in heaven?" "Yes." says Bob. "So then what could be the bad news?!" asks Jim. Bob answers, "You're pitching Tuesday."
I watched Justin Bieber get shot in CSI and my brother asked "Why are you crying?"
I said "Because he didn't die in real life"
More death jokes or go to table of contents
Funniest jokes about life of animals.
An old guy sitting on the bus stares at him, and the punk says, "What's the matter, old man, didn't you ever do anything wild in your life?"
And the old man says, "Yeah, one time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."
I have asked my mamma: "Mamma, why do we have 10 cock birds but only 1 hen?"
Mama has said to me: "Because I want that she has a better life than I had."
The turkey's been in the oven for two hours, and it's still running around!
Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky.
Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
What do you call a semiaquatic, furry little animal than never amounted to anything in it's life?
An *otter* failure (I'll see myself out)
The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."
"Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
I was burning a giant pile of his toys.
We all want to be strong like a bear, we want to have a sharp sight like a falcon, the intelligence like an owl, the endurance like a horse, we want to sing like a skylark, we want to be running like a fox and of course we all want to have the salivas like a dragon lizard.
Me: "Hey did you buy '100 Count Tennis Balls' from Amazon?"
Wife: "No."
Dog: Pretending to read newspaper.
Mohan (to the doctor): "Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?"
Doctor: "Your eyesight seems to be poor."
Mohan: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
Doctor: "You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital."
.. to get hit by a reindeer."
Customer: "Waiter, whatβs the meaning of this fly in my tea up?"
Waiter: "I wouldnβt know sir, Iβm a waiter, not a fortune teller."
Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"
A Mom goes to the store shopping. She tells to the children,
"Your father will return very drunk. Undress him down to the waist and put him to sleep."
"Why to the waist", the children interested.
"Because your father has a large snake below and it can bite you."
The mother returned and her children met her at the door,
"Mom! Mom! Dad came home! We undress him all and put him to sleep."
"Are you undressed him the entire", mother worried? "What happened with the snake?"
"Don't worry, Mom!" proudly answered the children. "The snake was strangled with dad's belt, her eggs were trampled and the nest was burnt."
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story.
"Once upon a time there was a white bunny..."
"Jeez..dad it's boring,what about science fiction?"
"Ok,Ok" Mr Brown said.
"Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...."
"Dad, a little more grown up!"
"Do you promise me not to tell your mom?" asked Mr Brown.
" I swear!"
"Ok", "Once upon a time there was a naked bunny..."
It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
The Captains Dinghy!
Dogs are easily amused", then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.
Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I donβt want to tell you how to do somethingβ¦ but I can tell you that itβs much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers wonβt dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but weβre getting farther from the truck," the other added.
An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
The statues came to life and smiled at each other.
They ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Giggling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
A rich 40 year-old American woman decided to get married, but she wanted her husband to be a virgin and to never had been with a woman all of his life.
After some years of pointless searching, she didnβt found anyone with this description and forced to give an ad to the paper.
A month later, she met with an Australian man who had never been with a woman before in his life and she married him immediately.
On the first night of their wedding and before they lay down, she went for a quick fresh up and then went back to the bedroom, happy.
When she entered the room she stood steal...
She saw her husband naked to the center of the room and all the furniture on the corner of the room.
"But.. What happened?" asked the woman obviously shocked.
"Look.. Iβve never been with a woman, but if itβs the same as with the kangaroo, then Iβll need the whole room to catch you!"
There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck.
Some time went by, and the case got to court.
The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"
The man replied. "Well sir, it was like this. We was driving down the road, minding our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pulling up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was most dead, so he shot them. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him."
Then he came over to me and he said, "How you feeling?"
I said, "I never felt better in my life."
An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket.
The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew.
After some time, one said to the other, "If you donβt mind my saying so, you donβt look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck."
"Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee."
His friend agreed that was bad luck.
The other one continued. "You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off."
"My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?"
"Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye."
"My, My,(not real sailor talk) did that take your eye out?"
"No, that was the first day I had my hook."
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.Β
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."Β
Just then the Indian looks up.
"Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"Β
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
"Hmm," said the madam. "I'm not sure. Try the first door on the right."
So the guy went inside, stuck it in, and immediately heard screams.
"It's too big! Take it out!" So he went to the madam.
"No, really. I need someone who can handle 16 inches."
"Hmm," said the madam. "Try the last door."
So the guy went inside, stuck it in, and had the time of his life, surprised that there was no scream at all.
In fact, he heard no sounds at all.
Puzzled, he finished up and pulled out.
"Talk to me, baby."
"Moo."
A cat died and went to Heaven.
God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, "You have been a good cat for these 40 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more."
Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together.
God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again."
God said, "It is done!"
All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat.
He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.
God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over here are delicious!"
They both got out of the car and stood over the poor creature.
The blonde and her husband just stood their, when she said "Oh I know."
So she when in the car and rumaged through her purse and came out with what looked a bottle.
She poured it on the rabit and they both got in the car.
Suddenly the rabit got up hopped a little bit and waved, hopped a little and waved, hopped to the top of the hill and waved.
Then dissapered over it.
The husband just stared at his wife and said "Honey, what did you pour on that rabit?"
His wife just said "Hair Restorer with a permanent wave."
"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks.
The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old man mutters, "Ain't my dog."
Two rednecks are out hunting in the woods (nsfw)
One of them finds a weird animal, and for the life of him can't figure out what it is, so he calls his buddy over
"Hey Jimbo! Get over here and look at this thing"
Jimbo comes over, but is no help, he can't make heads or tails of it either
"You got any idea what in the hell that there thing is?" he asked Jimbo
He replies "I reckon I ain't got no clue...but I'm gunna fuck it"
I thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 minutes before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a pigeon.
"
Customer: "Donβt tell me your problems. Give the menu card."
I was on the fourth hole, when I discovered a small frog sitting on the green.
I paid it no attention until I heard, "Ribbit. 9-iron."
That's curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog.
I pulled out a 9-iron and sunk a hole-in-one.
Amazed, I picked up the frog and asked where we should go next.
"Ribbit. Vegas."
We went to Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first.
"Ribbit. Roulette."
We went up to the roulette table, and I won big.
I took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel.
I asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it.
"Ribbit. Kiss me."
I figured, what the hell, and I kissed the frog.
It turned into a 15-year-old girl.
That's how she ended up in my room, your Honor, and if I'm lying, my name's not R. Kelly.
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He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge... Show him your badge!"
1 dollar for dirty joke."
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?"
Me: "John"
Homeless man: "So Johny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have."
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?"
Me: "I don't know? A lot?"
Homeless man: "Well Johny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy."
A zebra has wondered his whole life whether he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes.
When he dies and goes to heaven he asks God the question "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?"
God responds, "You are what you are"
The zebra goes to his friends and tells them what God had said and that he still doesn't know the answer to his question.
One of his friends says, "Well, that means you are a white zebra with black stripes"
The zebra asks him why and the friend says, "Because otherwise God would have said 'You is what you is'"
The Bear and the Rabbitt
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay." and rode off as fast as he could.
He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.
The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl"
"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says.
"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother.
"But I'm not an American," the man says.
"What are you then?" asks the mother.
"I'm an Iranian," the man says.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."
She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
Chuck Norris ran up to the goat and beard rubbed it back to life.
On landing, the pilot says, "Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear."
The hunters go out and return with two bears.
So the pilot says, "I told you ONE bear!"
But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had let them put two bears on board.
After long discussion centering on the impossibility of the thing and the disgraceful degree of inflation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and with much pushing and shoving the hunters get aboard with the two bears.
After struggling into the air and fitfully flying for about two hours, the plane gives up and plummets to the earth in a snowbank.
Climbing out from under the snow and the bears, the hunters ask the pilot where he thinks they are.
The pilot says, "About the same place where we crashed last year."
More animal jokes or go to table of contents
Funny jokes about labor, office and business activites, money and work in general as essential part of life.
I haven't worked out since...
I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of the bed and did a sit-up by mistake.
That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.
If I'm ever on life support, I want you to pull up he plug...
Then wait 10 seconds and plug it back in, maybe that'll work.
Super Pussy!
A middle aged woman decides it's time to spice up her sex life, so she decides to surprise her husband. After he gets home from work, she strips down naked, dawns a red cape, runs in the room, jumps in front of the TV and yells "Super-Pussy!"
After thinking about it for a second, her husband replies "Well, I think I'll have the soup."
Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...
The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving."
After sitting in the dark for a while, Gorbachev breaks the silence and says "Hey, any of you guys wanna pick up some McDonalds?"
Lenny is a righteous man who devotes his life to charity work ...
Every week, he prays to god that he should win the lottery. "god, I don't desire much and I do your work on this earth, but I've never enjoyed the material things--a large house, fast car, steak dinners, that deep down I want to enjoy.
Finally one week Lenny breaks down and says during his weekly prayer, "god, I've been your loyal servant for 50 years committing myself to your work--feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, and providing work to the poor! Please the lottery is at an all time high and I've never won so much as 100 dollars!"
All of a sudden the heavens open and a booming voice echoes, LENNNY... HELP ME OUT... BUY A FUCKIN' TICKET...
A wife wants to spice up her sex life...
So she goes decides to try crotchless panties. Her husband gets home from work and she's on the couch waiting for him. He walks by, looks at her, then goes in the kitchen and gets a beer. He comes back and sits down like nothing happened.
Finally, the frustrated wife yells "Don't you want some of this?"
And he says "Fuck no, look what it did to your underwear."
A Russian one (slightly NSFW)
In fact it's not a joke, it's what we call 'baika' here, a funny story from someone's life. So here it goes
A company of friends goes to Finnland. They move into a cottage village and one of them has to take a shit after this really long way 'train - ferryboat - bus'. And it turns out to be a big-big shit. He presses the button to flush and the thing doesn't work.
So the guy realizes he doesn't speak Finnish and chambermaids presumably don't speak Russian. But Soviet education system is the best in the world, and finally he finds two words in English that could help him. He goes out, finds a chambermaid and says to her:
β Come!
She follows him to the WC, he shows this really big pile of shit and says:
β Look!
He presses the button, and... it works!
*sorry for my English*
Bill can't get the song "What's New, Pussycat?" out of his head.
Bill goes to the doctor, and says "Doctor, doctor, you've gotta help me! I can't get the song "What's New, Pussycat?" out of my head."
Doctor says "Well, that's not really a medical condition, is it?"
Bill says "You don't understand, it's been in my head for three or four months, constantly, morning to night, I can't work, I can't concentrate, it's affecting my relationships, my career, it's ruining my life"
"Ah," the doctor says, "sounds like you have Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Tom Jones Syndrome?" Bill asks. "I've never heard of that, is it rare?"
"Oh," the doc replies, "it's not unusual."
I want to live my next life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous, and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day,and then, you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case!!
Bartender Joke
Johnny the bartender really hated his job. He had to work 12 hour shifts 7 days a week serving the same type of shithead customers everyday. At this point in his life he hated everything about bars especially the customers and the bar culture.
So one day he lost it. A customer had been bothering him all day so Johnny threw himself over the bar and beat the guy to death. Johnny was promptly arrested and told he was to spend the rest of his life in jail.
He was sent to a maximum security penitentiary. Sitting in his cell at the end of his first day, he had some time to reflect about his actions and he thought to himself, "Well, I guess this isn't so bad. At least I'm no longer behind bars!"
They said "Do something you love, and you'll never work a day in your life."
It's true. I love masturbating, and I've never been able to find a goddamn job.
Did you know that the guy who invented Tic Tacs never had to work another day in his life?
He made a mint.
A: Take These tablets and if they don't work give me a ring in the morning.
I didn't know what to do
Man I was in trouble. I didn't know what to do. I didnt even know where to start. Or even if I had the energy to start much less complete it. So I spoke to a friend of mine and he told me ask Jesus for Help.
So I did, I asked Jesus to come help me. Ever since then he's been a part of my life
Look seriously if you want your yard looking the best it can call my buddy Jesus. His pricing is reasonable he does good work and even brings all his own equipment and cleans up after himself.
Success is like pregnancy.
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
Sometimes late at night in bed, I wonder what life choices do I have to make to be the guy who says 'yeah' in the background of hip-hop songs.
"
"Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong,everybody said I was responsible."
I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
You see, Rita's husband has been jobless for quite a while.
She tells her friends, "I appreciate the fact that at last he's found a new job, but I don't like him taking his work home and finishing it in our bedroom."
"Why, what's his new job?"
"He's an embalmer."
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Guy goes every day to the same diner, looks over the menu, and always orders the same thing: ham and eggs.
Every day, the same thing: ham and eggs.
Waitress decides to play a trick on him and scratches it from the menu.
He comes in, she says, "You know that thing you like so much? I scratched it."
"Well, wash off your hand and get me some ham and eggs."
His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."
I'm still employed. I just can't remember where.
"
"What are you making?"
"A bomb."
"Can I help?"
"Impossible. It's a nuclear one..."
So I'm a male nurse, and I work in hospice. It's a great company, and sad sometimes, but it has taught me some great life lessons.
1) Pull your skeletons out of your closet now, or they'll come out while you're dying.
2) Love the one you're with.
3) I don't need to worry about finding true love. All the demented women seem to love me like it's the first day we met.
Suicide Bombers must get a huge paycheck.
They do their job once and never return to work for life.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.
My life sucks,
I have a shitty job with an asshole boss who treats me like shit.
It sucks even more because I work at a burger shack flipping burgers all day.
Its so bad because I cant even drive and I have to walk to work every day.
Also my only friend is retarded so I don't have much of a social life
And the worst of it all
I live in a pineapple under the sea
After WWII, a German soldier...
After WWII, a German soldier left the tenets of Nazism behind and decided to change his path in life. He went to school, got a medical degree, and went to work doctoring sick animals. He was a veterinarian.
Big inspection on a build site/yard.
The boss tells the workers : what ever happens just act as usual.
The inspection committee were inspecting when a wall just colapses.
-(Worker looking at his watch) : 10:15, just on time
There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday β eight hours.
He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one.
The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.
The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?"
He says, "Soup and ice cream!"
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
I'm so mad, I don't know what to do with my life anymore....
Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint. What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates. I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken. I'm socially awkward, even my only other co-worker fucking hates my guts. I have repressed lust for one of my best friends too; she's athletic, smart and a gorgeous southern bell. I love her. You know what it's like; I've been friend zoned real hard. She's my only real friend, besides this one kid, who I'm pretty sure is only hanging around me because he is mentally challenged. I guess he's the only one that can tolerate me. And what makes this all worse is that I live in a fucking pineapple under the sea.ο»Ώ
My real life unhelpful comeback
So i work in a big stadium so sometimes the different areas need to be brought change. Well it was very busy last Saturday when the cafe woman came on the radio to say she needed change. The cash office then radioed back, "what kind of change do you want" so i had to pick up the radio a shout "world peace!". They were not amused.
A man from Baltimore dies and goes to hell...
He had been a bad man his entire life and therefore the devil made sure to give him extra work in the hottest fiery pit of hell. After a week goes by, the devil stops by to see how miserable the man is, but instead finds the man happily going about his work. He asks the man:
"Why are you so damn happy? Shouldn't this be miserable for you?"
The man replies "This isn't any worse than May in Baltimore. I'm used to this."
The devil, enraged that his attempt to punish the man were for naught, decided to increase the temperature. Another week goes by, and he checks in again, only to find the guy merrily whistling while tending a garden. The Devil again asks him.
"Why are you so damn happy? It's hotter than hell in here."
The guy again replies "Summer in Baltimore is much worse. This is nothing."
The devil tries a different tactic, lowers the temperature to just above freezing and makes it rain. Still the guy doesn't seem fazed. Finally, he lowers the temperature to about 15 degree Fahrenheit. Suddenly, the guy starts jumping for joy.
The devil asks "Why are you celebrating, it's colder than hell in here?"
The man replies "Hell has frozen over, the Orioles have won the World Series!"
Man takes the gallon tequila challenge.
A man after work stops by a pub for a drink. After sitting down he notices a sign saying "Finish the gallon tequila challenge and win free drinks for life." When the bartender approached, the man inquired and the bar tender explained, "nobody has ever finished it as of yet. First you must finish a gallon of tequila. After completing that you must pull a broken tooth from our Rotwieler in the back. If you complete that, the last challenge is to bring to orgasm the 90 year old original owner of the bar who still lives upstairs. Do all that and you get free drinks from here for life."
The man was shocked and said it was a ridiculous challenge. However, after a couple of pints and encouragement from fellow patrons he signed the liability waiver and finished the gallon of tequila. The bartender led the man out back where the dog was kept.
Over 5 minutes had passed and the dog could be heard yelping, growling and finally quiet. The man re-entered the bar covered in cuts, bruises and breathing heavily. He looked at the bartender and said triumphantly, "ok, so where is that old lady with the broken tooth?!"
No worries
After losing her virginity to a much more experienced man a young lady starts to worry and asks what would happen if she found out she is pregnant. The man tells her that she needn't worry that Plan A: he will stop living a carefree lifestyle, they will marry, and he would work day and night to assure a life of leisure for her and their child. She then asked what is Plan B? He then told her that the pharmacist will explain everything in the morning.
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?
Cheers
So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden...
... and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, my son, I shall return to you in a week's time."
God labors for a week as only a being of such incredible omnipotence can labor, and after much exhausting work, he returns to Adam after a week has passed and reveals to him his creation.
Adam is speechless. After much gaping, he finally finds the words to say "God, she is beautiful, she is truly your most perfect creation. I must ask though, what will this cost me, for surely this cannot be free."
God says soberly "My son. I confess, to have a being of such beauty and grace, you must give me an arm and a leg. I can accept no other payment."
Adam weighs this for a moment, and then says, "How much can I get for a rib?"
When the bank gives my kid a lollipop I take it and eat it because I want him to understand how banks really work.
Jim and his sex life...
A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.
You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his sex life has suffered because of it.
Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.
Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"
His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"
So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.
On the 30th day his doctor phones.
Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"
Jim: "Yeah I did doc."
Doc: "Well how's your sex life? Did it improve?"
Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"
Told to me by my grandmother
I changed a man's life
I was on my way home from work and I passed by an apartment block. At the top of that 10 story apartment block there was a man, legs perched over the edge, about to do the unthinkable.
I knew I couldn't stand idly by and watch on in morbid curiosity, so I sprinted down the footpath and up the stairs and when I got to the roof I sat beside the man.
In less than a minute I had convinced him to get off that ledge, through the power of speech and connection with a fellow human being, I changed a mans life. And all I said was "Jump."
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says.
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."
They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words.
"I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say.
"You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket.
The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs.
The minister got a brilliant idea.
He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover.
At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.
He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate."
They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again.
Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate."
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money."
He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more."
He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled:
"S**t!"
It took him two weeks to air out the church.
A large construction company sent a party in charge of finding workers all over the world in the very rural areas.
They sucessfully obtained a dozen men and decided to fly them back to the construction site immidately.
The men were very excited and could only speak of doin the job.
Suddenly the piolot flying the plane encountered some difficulties and very safely landed the plane in the desert.
Unknowingly to the men they thought they reached on the site, so they opened the door and all they could see was sand all around.
Then one of the men shouted out in fear, "Let`s get the f**k out of here before the cement comes."
A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.
He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp.
"This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.
"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now."
He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."
Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish.
"I wish I'd never have to work again."
Instantly, he was back in his government office.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge.
I was on the fourth hole, when I discovered a small frog sitting on the green.
I paid it no attention until I heard, "Ribbit. 9-iron."
That's curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog.
I pulled out a 9-iron and sunk a hole-in-one.
Amazed, I picked up the frog and asked where we should go next.
"Ribbit. Vegas."
We went to Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first.
"Ribbit. Roulette."
We went up to the roulette table, and I won big.
I took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel.
I asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it.
"Ribbit. Kiss me."
I figured, what the hell, and I kissed the frog.
It turned into a 15-year-old girl.
That's how she ended up in my room, your Honor, and if I'm lying, my name's not R. Kelly.
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Ahead of him is a guy whoβs dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "Iβm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and itβs the ministerβs turn.
He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years."
St Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house
The talking dog.
Harry goes to the pet shop, and buys a talking dog. Amazed, he gets home and rings Jim, telling him to come see it. However, by the time Jim gets there, Harry is looking glum, and then tells him he's putting the dog down.
Harry decides to have a chat with the dog, and asks him what he has done with his life.
"Well, I was brought up to work for the police. I was so successful sniffing out drugs, they trained my to fight, and so I started taking down criminals. I was brilliant at that too, so They drafted me over to the military. I fought for years, saving lives and catching terrorists. When I got older however, things got harder and I left the army, and decided to work as a guide dog, helping the blind. I left eventually though, and campaigned for peace among cats and dogs. I succeeded. After many long years of that, I turned to the church, and now I am a full time vicar, offering moral advice to anyone who needs it.
"Wow! This dogs amazing! Why the hell would anybody want to put him down!?" Exclaims Jim.
"Well" says Harry "He's a lying bastard."
Everyday at work I sit and I watch the car park barrier outside of my window...
It's been there for 15 years, and through all the ups and downs of life it perseveres.
A woman's husband had recently bought a computer and was having trouble using it
A woman's husband had recently bought a new Windows 8 laptop, and was booting it up while the woman was cooking breakfast in the kitchen.
He couldn't for the life of him figure out how to work the damned software.
He called to his wife, "Honey, come into the living room and help me configure this thing!"
The woman then left the kitchen.
Professional liars
Haven't done an honest days work in their life
Little man dancing with no arms
A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.
He thought, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.
He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.
"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."
"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly ... "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"
The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other.
All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt.
Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again.
The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money.
He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician.Β
Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible.
The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a screw.
The technician took a screwdriver and turned the screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong.
The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company.Β
The technician answered, "$100,000.00".
The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemised bill."Β
The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:Β
-Turning of one screw: $1.00.Β
-Knowing which screw to turn: $99,999.00.
Who has the best punch line for this real life FB Status Post I saw today?
"Work travel really sucks sometimes. This week I found a strap-on in the hotel room closet and then my flight home was delayed. There's no place like home."
Los Angeles Homeless...
Homeless people here are different.
You ever notice that?
Our homeless people are serious, man.
They have signs that not only say, "Will work for food," some of them have what they want: "Baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet potato pie, sour chives."
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
special skills" section just says: "pronounces Massachusetts towns" and "can nap on planes."
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
More work jokes or go to table of contents
Best jokes about time wheter it is past, present or future. Some of the are bout events in history, anniversaries and old people, while others are hilarious aboutr blondes, couples and marriage.
A man arrives at the gates of heaven...
...St. Peter looks through his book and tells him "I don't see any reason why we should let you in. You don't seem to have done anything worthy in your life."
The guy replies: "what about the time I was driving and saw a woman with a flat tire beside the road? A bunch of bikers had surrounded her and were giving her a hard time. I stopped and got out; they turned on me so I grabbed a tire iron and told them to back off."
St. Peter: "You really did that? When did this happen?"
The guy: "About 5 minutes ago!"
Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.
The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."
The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling down."
The third guy pulls out a box of tampons.
"What the hell are we supposed to do with those!?" ask the first two.
"Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, *and* play tennis with these."
a man goes to confess after 25 years
So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"
But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"
Three guys in a cell are just starting life sentences...
The first guy pulls out a deck of cards and says, "We're going to be here a long time, so when we get bored we can play poker."
The second guy says, "Great idea. I brought a harmonica, so when we get sad I can play a song to cheer us up."
The third guy pulls out a box of tampons. "What the hell are they for?" ask the first two guys.
"Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, *and* play tennis with these."
I haven't worked out since...
I haven't worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of the bed and did a sit-up by mistake.
That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.
a hobo finds a woman on the ledge of a bridge crossing a deep valley
Hobo: "hey, are you going to jump?"
Woman: "Yes I am going to jump. I can't go on with life"
H: "well, before you do that, don't you want to have sex a last time? like, say, with me?"
W: "ha, definitely not. You'll understand that if I'm about to commit suicide, I'm not really in the mood for sex. Plus, you're ugly and disgusting, so there's no way I will have sex with you"
The hobo sighs, then starts to walk away.
W (shouting at the hobo):"hey! why are you leaving??? aren't you going to try and prevent me from doing this? Tell me that I shouldn't jump?? that suicide isn't a solution? that life is worth living or some shit like that? ANYTHING???"
H: "well, normally I would, but now I gotta hurry so that you're still a bit warm when I reach the foot of the bridge"
How is Valve like Uranium-238?
By the time they get to the third Half Life 13.5 Billion years will have passed.
Who's the most 'merican...
Shortly after 9/11, Achmed and Abdul were terrified with what Muslim men had done to their adopted country.
The shaved their beards, changed into western clothes, and made a pact to meet in a years time, and see who had the most "american life".
So a year goes by, and the two men meet at a bar, and they began to discuss the events of the past year.
"I married a white woman, bought a Ram pick up truck, joined a softball team, and converted to Christianity... do you think you can be more American than that?" Abdul challenged.
"Fuck you, towel head!" Achmed responded.
Super Pussy!
A middle aged woman decides it's time to spice up her sex life, so she decides to surprise her husband. After he gets home from work, she strips down naked, dawns a red cape, runs in the room, jumps in front of the TV and yells "Super-Pussy!"
After thinking about it for a second, her husband replies "Well, I think I'll have the soup."
So two people are about to have sex for the first time
and the lady says, "Unfortunately I have small boobs, is that alright with you?"
To which the male replies, "Yea it's alright, I have a dick like a baby."
After the sex the lady exclaims, "You have the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life, Why did you say it was like a baby?"
"It is. 9 pounds 6 ounces and a foot in height."
Time of weakness
Rosy had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely.
Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Robert, a gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.
He picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic.
Robert had also been divorced for quite some time and found himself very attracted to Rosy.
Despite her initial resistance to his advances, he finally suceeded in making love to her.
Rosy was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, "I don't know how I'm going to face my daughter, knowing that in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"
"What do you mean, twice?" he asked. "We only did it once."
"Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?" Rosy asked.
A priest, a lawyer, and a little kid are on a crashing plane...
There's only one parachute onboard. The priest says to the lawyer, "we've have lived our lives. This young boy has his whole life ahead of him. It only makes sense to give him the parachute." The lawyer responds, "Fuck the kid!" To which the priest replies, "You think we have time?"
Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not find out about each other.
Irish Philosophy
There are only two things you need to worry about in life;
Either you are well, or you are sick.
If you are well, then there's nothing to worry about. But if you are sick, then there's two things to worry about;
Either you will get better, or you will get worse.
If you will get better, then there's nothing to worry about. But if you get worse, then there's two things to worry about;
Either you will live, or you will die.
If you are going to live, then there's nothing to worry about. But if you are going to die, then there's two things to worry about;
Either you will go to heaven, or you will go to hell.
If you go to heaven then there's nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell...
You'll be so damn busy shaking all your friends' hands you won't have time to worry, so why worry?
A redneck family was visiting the city...
...and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuthin'like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma."
A man and his wife have four beautiful daughters
They decide they want one more child. Sure enough, nine months later they have a fifth. Overjoyed when he can finally see it, the man looks at it in the nursery of the hospital, and it is the ugliest child he has ever seen in his life. He talks to his wife and says, "There is no way that child is mine! We have four beautiful daughters! Have you been cheating on me?"
She says "Not this time, honey."
Good Mother in Law
A daughter was talking to her mom about married life, she told her mom that she wanted to divorce her husband because he liked anal sex. She told her mom that when she married her husband her asshole was the size of a dime and now it was the size of a quarter. Her mom said honey, he is a millionaire, he gives you $10,000 a week for clothes, you travel all the time, you have houses all over the world, you get a new Mercedes every 6 months and you are bitching about 15 cents?
Dirty Joke
My sex life with my wife has started degrading.
Guess it's time to Bury her corpse
A beatiful woman wants to commit suicide...
She wants to jump off a tall bridge in a park. As she is about to jump a stranger appears and asks:"What are you doing there?" "I end my life! It's just miserable." she replies.
"Okay, but...if you end your life anyways would you mind to fuck with me one last time in your life?" "Hell no! You look ugly and smell like fish!"
He just says:"Alright then. I'll just wait 'till you are finished."
How's your sex life?
3 women are having a conversation about their sex lives. The first woman has been married 1 year. "My husband and I have 'house sex' because we do it anywhere in the house, any time." The second woman has been married 10 years. "We have 'bedroom sex' which is only in the bedroom after the kids have gone to sleep." The third woman has been married 30 years. "My husband and I have 'hallway sex'... We pass each other in the hallway and say 'screw you!'"
I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life creating wacky sci-fi inventions...
The time machine alone set me back 15 years.
Pearly Gates
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them torturing this girl. Infuriated, I got out
of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
A old man goes into confession
"Father, all my life I've been faithful, but last night, I met two beautiful blonde 21-year-old girls and I slept with them, twice each!"
"Well, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Oh, never Father, I'm Jewish!"
"Well, why are you telling me then??"
"Are you kidding? I'm telling everyone!!"
So this guy goes to a Chinese restaurant on his own for a meal...
...and he is served by the most beautiful Chinese woman he has ever seen in is life. She's gorgeous, funny, and they really get on. When he's finished his meal she suggests he has a couple of drinks and hangs around til the end of her shift, then they go on to a club. They talk & talk & laugh & have a great time & eventually they kiss & she asks him if he'd like to accomapnay him back to her apartment, to which he agrees.
They get in the door & BOOM, hands everywhere & clothes richocheting off the walls, & she says, "What's it going to be, then. I'll do anything you want?"
He mutters, "I do so love a 69"
....and she says, "If you think I'm cooking at this time of night , you can FUCK OFF"
A priest, a kid and a lawyer are on a plane with one parachute when it starts to crash
The Priest says "we should give the kid the parachute because he has a long life to look forward too"
The Lawyer says "fuck the kid"
The Priest says "do you think we have time?"
A boy has sex for the first time...
he comes home and tells his father the exciting news. "Oh son, that is great! You're a man now, I'll go and grab some beers."
The father returns and hands his son a beer and says "now, do you have any questions about your experience of sex? It's an important part of your life."
The boy says "Yes I do. How long until my bum stops hurting?"
One last request...
An inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One last thing I would really like to do is sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."
A carrot and a celery are walking down the street.
A car comes by and runs over the celery. The carrot picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. After waiting a long time the doctor comes out of the emergency room and the carrot jumps up and asks "Is he going to be okay?"
The doctor replies "Well... he's going to live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
I had a Viagra addiction...
and it was the hardest time of my life.
The last time I stayed in a hotel I asked for a wake up call.
So the next morning the front desk called me and asked "What are you doing with your life?"
"I'm up."
A man becomes suspicious that his wife is cheating on him
So he confronts her and she admits that there have been three points of time that she has been unfaithful.
He asks her what the first time was, and she says, "remember when you had your heart attack but couldn't figure out how we paid the doctor?"
He says, "I guess you saved my life, I have to forgive you for that. What was the second time?"
"Well, do you remember when you lost your job, and couldn't figure out how we made house payments?"
"I guess I can't fault you for that time. You saved our house. But what was the third time?"
"Well, do you remember when you were running for president of your golf league and needed 79 more votes?"
Life is like a Penis
It's simple, relaxed and hanging free most of the time.
It's women who make it hard.
A guy meets an old friend in the street
**Guy:** Hi ! It's been what... 30 years ?? How are you ? What happened in your life during all this time ?
**Old friend:** Well, I've been married four times, but all my wives died...
**Guy:** Oh my god, that's terrible ! Sorry to hear that. What happened to the first one ?
**Old friend:** Poisonous mushrooms...
**Guy:** Aww that's so sad. What happened to the second ?
**Old friend:** Poisonous mushrooms...
**Guy:** Again ! What happened to the third ?
**Old friend:** Poisonous mushrooms...
**Guy:** Are you kidding me ?
**Old friend:** I swear I'm not.
**Guy:** Ok, what happened to the fourth ?
**Old friend:** She got punched in the head, with a baseball bat.
**Guy:** Whaaaat ? Why ?
**Old friend:** She didn't want to eat her poisonous mushrooms...
So my best friend is a priest...
...but he's still really cool. Like, this one time I walked up to him and said "Dude, I just took the biggest shit of my life!"
He didn't even make a big deal out of it. He just calmly said "Steve, please get out of the confession booth."
Two Jewish banker escaped from that sinking Italian cruise ship
They were both clinging to a life preserver. One guy, knowing the other can't swim, says, " I'm going to try to swim to shore to get some help. Can you float alone?"
The second Jewish banker says, "how could you talk business at a time like this?"
Three legged pig...
A man sees a farmer walking a three-legged pig down the road. He stops him and asks what happened to the pig.
The farmer says, "This isn't any ordinary pig. This pig saved my life twice. One time, I fell off my tractor into a ditch and was hurt pretty bad and this pig went and got help. Another time, the house caught fire in the middle of the night and this pig woke me and my wife up. Saved our lives."
The man exclaimed, "That is amazing! But it doesn't explain how the pig lost it's leg."
The farmer replied, "Well, a pig like that you don't eat all at once."
the most awkward time in my life
Was when I locked my keys in my car and had to walk into the nearby abortion clinic to ask to borrow a coat hanger.
A man is sitting at a bar...
after a few minutes another man comes in, gives the bartender $20, the bar tender hands him a box and he leaves. After a few more minutes another man enters and the same exchange happens. After this happens for a third time in less than a half hour the mans curiosity gets the best of him. He asks the bartender "What's the deal with the boxes?" The bartender replies "We sell frogs that give the best blowjob of your life." The man hands the bartender $20, takes the box and goes home. At four in the morning the mans wife wakes up to the sound of pots and pans banging all over the place. She gets to the kitchen and asks "What the hell is going on down hear?" The man replies "If this frog can cook you're outta hear."
A real man can feel embarrassed only two times in his life...
the first time when he can't manage the second time, and the second time when he can't manage the first time.
A doctor, lawyer, and a priest are on a plane...
Along with them are three children. The plane begins to go under a great amount of turbulence, and begins to drop out of the air. The doctor, lawyer, and priest go to the front of plane and find three parachutes. The doctor says "Let the children have the parachutes, let them live a full life." The Lawyer exclaims "FUCK THE KIDS!" The priest replies "Now? Do you think we still have time?"
Why did Heisenberg have a miserable sex life?
Because when he found the correct position, he didn't have the momentum, and when he finally found the time, he didn't have the energy.
A person checks into a hotel...
for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"
The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."
Three Pastors go fishing...
Three pastors go on a fishing trip. One pastor pipes up and says,
"Hey, I trust you fellas, what do you say to sharing our biggest fault and try to help each other? I'll go first, I'm really addicted to masturbating. I do it all I can every time I can and it's starting to hinder my love life with my wife."
The second pastor says, "Awe, ya know, that's too bad, but hey buddy, I got a real big problem with porn. Sometimes I'll even watch it during services or right after prayer"
The Third pastor says, "I've got a real problem with gossiping and I can't wait to get off this boat."
NASA discovers a planet with 2 life forms
They named the one of em Babbits, and the other Trids.
They noticed a peculiar thing about these lifeforms. Every time a Babbit was next to a Trid, the Babbit would KICK the shit out of the Trid.
One day an astronaut is on the planets surface gathering rocks, you know for science. Right about then, a Babbit walks up to the astronaut and kicks him.
You know what the astronaut said?
*Silly Babbit, kicks are for Trids*
My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
A man comes into jail the first time in life...
On the first day in the shower a huge hairy guy full of muscles comes out of the fog right to him :"You're my new wife now. Let's get it on."
The man looks all around but theres nobody who'll help him and he surrenders in fear of what might come.
"With or without spit?" asks the big hairy man. The first-timer answered "When I have to: with spit" The big man turns around and yells into the showers: "Yo Spit, he says you can come too."
The doctor gave me one year to live.
So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.
And the judge gave me 15 years.
Problem solved.
Women...
are like hardwood floors. Lay 'em right the first time, and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a bald eagle
A life time ban from the zoo and a felony...apparently
A man and a woman are having sex for the first time
The man climaxes, but is still mounted on top of the woman.
He says to her, "Y'know ... I gotta level with you. This was some of the worst sex of my life. Your hair won't get out of your face, your breasts are small and almost boney, and you seem to have no natural lubrication whatsoever."
The woman replies, "Jesus, dude, get off my fucking back."
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Excuse me I had forgotten to tell you that yesterday."
Once upon a time..
There was a man who had a stutter. He particularly stuttered on his "S's" . Unfortunately, he also had a poor family, so his life wasn't very easy.
A few days before Christmas, he went to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner on the holiday. He noticed that the steaks were 50% off. He was very happy, as his family could have a great Christmas dinner this year. He walked over to the butcher and said, "I'll have five s-s-s-s-s, I'll have five s-s-s..." The man took a deep breath and tried again. "I'll have five s-s-s-s-s, I'll have five s-s-s. Fuck it, I'll take the bologna."
Staged by the government to discredit an entire religion.
The Air plane
Once upon a time, there were four people on an air plane. the pilot announces that the plane is going to crash. the four people on the plane are, the richest man in the world, a little boy, the smartest man in the world and the pope. the plane only has three parachutes, the richest man in the world stands up and says "I'm the richest man in the world! I need to live." he grabs a parachute and jumps out. the smartest man in the world says "I'm the smartest man in the world! I need to live." he takes a parachute and jumps out. the pope turns to the young boy and says "Child, you have so much more life then I do, take the last parachute" the boy, totally oblivious to the situation, turns to the pope and says "oh, no need to worry. the smartest man in the world took my backpack"
2012" and tell them I survived that.
One day, this could be you." I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.
An old man tells his psychiatrist that he is already very old and he has committed during his life many sins.
The psychiatrist wanted to help him, so he has asked him: "And how long are you with your wife?"
The man answered: "45 years."
The psychiatrist said: "DonΒ΄t have the fear, because after your death you will be surely added to the sufferers, sleep well."
Humor
Time to put a little humor in your life. In today's blog, read all about being funny and how you can become a successful humorist. In other wordsβhow to become a wit rather than a nitwit. Have some fun and exercise your funny bone.
What is The Fifth Element's opinion regarding American news magazines?
Time not important only Life important.
You know when you're getting older by remembering the past embarrassment of not zipping up your fly but now hoping you remember when to unzip.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a bald eagle?
A life time ban from the zoo and a felony...apparently
A sweet treat.
I find my sex life is a lot like Nutella. Everyone loves it and has it all the time, and I'm just sitting in bed alone with a box of Ritz crackers.
I came up with a joke about omegle
I have seen more dicks on here in an hour than most prostitutes see in a life time.
Only a matter of time
A science teacher was teaching her class about the sun. In 5 billion years, she said, our sun is going to expand and become a red giant, and all life on earth will die out from the intense heat. All of a sudden a little boy starts crying. What's wrong? she asked, It's not for another five billion years!
Oh, replied the boy, wiping the tears from his eyes, I thought you said million.
An Amish Woman Discovers An Elevator
There was this elderly, Amish woman who went with her family to a mall for the first time in their lives. The whole family was mesmerized by the hundreds of stores, the lights, the food court. And then, for the first time in her life, the Amish woman saw an elevator. She watched as an elderly man approached the elevator doors and entered. The doors closed. A minute later, the doors opened and a guy looking like George Clooney stepped out. She saw another old guy get on, and, a minute later, out came a Matt Damon look-alike. A third old man went in and out came a Ryan Gosling-type man. She called to her daughter, "Quick, go get your father."
Life Mini-game "Tip the Janitor"
So I play a game and I'm pretty sure it's original and no one else plays it yet. You could be next! This is how it works;
Every time I go out to a bar, or a club or something even a restaurant and there is a urinal, I drop a quarter into the urinal every time I use it.
I have amassed almost $2.50 as my highest while at an all night drinking session with friends. Sometimes the quarters are gone when I know no one cleaned the urinal and it makes me laugh my ass off to think of some customer fishing my pee-soaked quarter out of the urinal.
Well that's it, remember to always have fun no matter where you are.
Big inspection on a build site/yard.
The boss tells the workers : what ever happens just act as usual.
The inspection committee were inspecting when a wall just colapses.
-(Worker looking at his watch) : 10:15, just on time
They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.
Doc says, "Joe, I got some bad news for you. You've got six months to live."
Joe says, "Six months? Doc, I can't pay your bill in six months, I can't do it!"
Doc says, "OK, I give you a year..."
I'll be back in a minute."
Five minutes later, the the female egg walked out in a slinky "egg"lige, rubbing her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.
"What are you doing?," the female egg asked.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon."
Easy way to farm
A man robbed a bank and hid out for a year before getting caught by the police but they still don't know where the money is.
When he gets caught he's sentenced to 25 years in prison.
While in prison he gets a call so he calls his wife and after a little conversation about life she asks,
"I don't know when to plant the potatoes, when is a good time to plant the potatoes and should I hire someone to till the garden?"
He replies "I'll have the rototilling done by tomorrow, you can plant them right afterwards."
Confused she just says "ok." And hangs up the phone.
Afterwards while the man is sitting in his cell he tells one of the guards " I can't hold it in any longer, I buried the money in my garden."
Praying and Sleeping
Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.
The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.
St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O'Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.
Father O'Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O'Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!
"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."
"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say, should we get naked?"
The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"
Life Time Savings
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"
One time I fucked this chick so hard...
she almost came back to life.
Chunks..
I told my friend, "man I've never been so drunk in my life I actually blew chunks last night". He replied "So what? I vomit all the time from over drinking". I said "No you don't understand chunks is my dog's name".
More time jokes or go to table of contents
Best of 619 Funniest Life Jokes. Hilarious life jokes, really funny clean jokes & life lessons. Some life jokes are political, religious and dirty, some are about celebrity, food, animal, work and time.
You've read some of the best life jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of puns about life. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty life gags to your kids.
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