The Best 82 Life Jokes

Following is our collection of Life jokes which are very funny. There are some life halflife jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these life life of luxury puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Life Jokes and Puns

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!

If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...

Then plug me back in, see if that works.

An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide.

She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.

The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.

The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.


Life is like chess...

We can't all be white.

Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder


They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:

"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"

and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"

A girl was about to jump off a cliff...

A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have sex with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."

Here's a great life hack!

When you're cold stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees!

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

You can explore life lifestyle reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean life a woman thoughts on life dad jokes. There are also life puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I wish I was poor one day in my life...

Because being poor everyday sucks...

My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology.

Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy?

He was too far-out.

Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today.

The category was "Describe your sex life with a Spongebob quote"

and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.

Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.


why was the 6 month old African baby crying?

It was having a mid life crisis

My love life is like Santa Claus.

It exists thanks to gullible six year olds

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.

Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

The three unwritten rules of life

1.

2.

3.

My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time,

But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity

Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?

Because his whole life he's Ben Solo

If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry..

You have the rest of your life to fix it.

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.



Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

Why does Kylo Ren never get girls?

Because for most of his life he's Ben Solo

Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening

Many men have died after having a stroke

What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

The lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool.

I was so startled, I almost fell in.

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

Some say Steve Jobs died too young.

Others say it was simply an homage to Apple's attitude towards battery life.

My wife thinks our sex life is boring and I get distracted easily..........

Well I Better get back to it....

My doctor told me to start killing people.

Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.

See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.

*

Life is like a hardcore drug.

I've taken several.

A day in the life of an IT guy...

Customer: Hi, my computer isn't working.

IT guy: OK, what happens when you try to turn it on?

Customer: Nothing.

IT guy: Can you check to see if it's plugged into the outlet?

Customer: Uhhhh I dunno it's pretty dark back there...

IT guy: ...Can you turn on a light?

Customer: Nope. The power's out.

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

Why did the African 3 year old cry?

He was having a mid life crisis

Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance?

Neither because they live in America.

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week.

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!

Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!

Two aliens are flying near earth

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."

The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

Pro Life Tip

Don't get an abortion.

My girlfriend's a pornstar.

But for the life of me, I don't know how to tell her.

My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!"

He did heroin

Leave a man on a plane and he flies for a day.

Throw a man off a plane and he flies for the rest of his life.

I was clinging for dear life on the edge of the cliff...

As the rescue team approached, one of the guys shouted, "Whatever you do, don't look down!"

So I started smiling...

Women are discussing their sex life.

- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it's going to be when it's ready.

I had a tough conversation with my parents

Dad: knock knock

Me: who's there?

Dad: water

Me: water who?

Dad: water you even doing with your life? I ask you this in the form of a joke because it seems this best relates to the course of your life thus far.

Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last as long for the obese.

I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

In space, two aliens are talking to each other very closely

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn't need to eat.

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?

Nun : "Mother Superior told me."

Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"

Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."

Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."

Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."

The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.

The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?

Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.

Ive never worked so hard before in my life.

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

Then I realized my whole life was a joke.

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife

Happy Mother's Day!

After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

It's my Cakeday! 8 Years on Reddit!

My life is the joke.

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"

"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc"

"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"

Trump might finally get what he wants the most

He might get to be president for the rest of his life.

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.

But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The patrons at the bar are amazed and even the Jedi has to admit it's a nice ride. They both end up saying it's a Good Car. The Mandalorian walks around the corner and after a few minutes comes screaming back on his jet pack and blows up the other cars. He has the Beskar.

Why was the cow scared

Because its life was at steak!

How's life in China?

Oh, I can't complain.

When life gives you melons

You're most likely dyslexic

Life is like a game of chess

I cant play chess

"Give a poor man a fish and you will feed him for a day

Give a poor man a poisoned fish and you will feed him for the rest of his life"

Life is short, so tell someone that you love them.

But shout it at them in German, because life is also scary and confusing.

When you wake up and think life sucks.

But at least my name is not North Kardashian West

A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a loss as to how to combat them.

These humans appear to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information, and yet, somehow, they have developed defenses that, for all intents and purposes, have rendered those faculties totally inactive."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the life marriage jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working life hard knock life piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes