Cheerful Fun Life Jokes for Lovely Laughter
So Tekashi69 could face life in prison
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...
Then plug me back in, see if that works.
Here's a great life hack!
When you're cold stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees!
The secret to a long life
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology.
Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.
Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."
5 advices to men for a happy life
1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
why was the 6 month old African baby crying?
It was having a mid life crisis
My love life is like Santa Claus.
It exists thanks to gullible six year olds
You can explore life lifestyle reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean life a woman thoughts on life dad jokes. There are also life puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.
Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
The three unwritten rules of life
1.
2.
3.
My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time,
But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity
Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?
Because his whole life he's Ben Solo
If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry..
You have the rest of your life to fix it.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
Why does Kylo Ren never get girls?
Because for most of his life he's Ben Solo
What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?
Fred and George Weasley.
The lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool.
I was so startled, I almost fell in.
A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...
...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".
My wife thinks our s**... life is boring and I get distracted easily..........
Well I Better get back to it....
My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.
You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.
*
I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...
... as long as I die on Thursday.
Why did the African 3 year old cry?
He was having a mid life crisis
Jesus' life told by the bible
1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet
Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance?
Neither because they live in America.
Just got back from a friends f**... who drowned last week.
I got a lot of a**... from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"
Wife: Stop pretending your life is a youtube video!! It's ruining our marriage!
Me: Do you guys think it's ruining our marriage? Let me know in the comments below!
Two aliens are flying near earth
The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."
The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."
Pro Life Tip
Don't get an abortion.
Leave a man on a plane and he flies for a day.
Throw a man off a plane and he flies for the rest of his life.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last as long for the obese.
I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...
In space, two aliens are talking to each other very closely
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me
What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?
A lot of food you probably didn't need to eat.
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of v**... but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife
Happy Mother's Day!
After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...
...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
It's my Cakeday! 8 Years on Reddit!
My life is the joke.
A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...
"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't believe in that astrology c**..., doc"
"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"
Trump might finally get what he wants the most
He might get to be president for the rest of his life.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...
They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The patrons at the bar are amazed and even the Jedi has to admit it's a nice ride. They both end up saying it's a Good Car. The Mandalorian walks around the corner and after a few minutes comes screaming back on his jet pack and blows up the other cars. He has the Beskar.
My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.
I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.
Barbies promote unrealistic expectations of women's bodies.
Women's heads are much harder to put back on in real life.
Satan arrives to welcome a new d**... soul to h**....
"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"
"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."
A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.
My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I'm as jittery as a cat.
Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the Labrador.
* I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch. *
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, everything in my life has changed.
My phone number, my address, my name. Everything.
Fox News actually saved my life.
I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to Fox and I had to get up to turn it off.
I witnessed an actual m**... in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.
Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.
One alien says to another, The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.
The second alien replies, Are they an emerging intelligence?
The first alien says, I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves.
A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven
When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"
St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."
The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?"
St. Peter responds, "We added up your client billing time sheets."
I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ''I could marry you!'', I couldn't believe it
You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return
A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma
Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.
My friend decided to become an archeologist
...now his life is in ruins.
A creationist told me that evolution must be wrong because it violates the second law of thermodynamics
His claim was that in order for simple organisms like bacteria to evolve into much more complex life like fish and mice and horses and gorillas and people, an enormous input of energy would be required, therefore it must be impossible.
I stayed up all night trying to think of something that would refute his claim, and then it dawned on me.
What do you call a little boy made of pasta who comes to life?
Pi-gnocchi-o
(I really wish you could hear how hard I'm laughing to myself)
My final work dad joke
I always include a dad joke on the schedule for my employees (which this sub helps out with when I can't think of one, thank you). Next Friday is my last day, and this is the last schedule I'm sending to them. We work in a bookstore, and my final, cringe inducing joke to them is:
After careful consideration, I've decided to leave my job at the bookstore.
_It's time to turn the page to a new chapter in my life_
Pretty bad even by my standards, but it felt right.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish,
and you feed him for the rest of his life.
When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!
So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife
Thanks, Mom! Happy Mothers' Day!
Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it
Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life
My gun saved my life today.
It misfired.
Really enjoying my new life aboard the giant space station designed to solve Earth's overpopulation problem .
Just a bit weird how the sun gets slightly bigger in my cabin window every day.
On her deathbed, Morton's wife had one last wish.
"Dearest Morton, when I'm gone I want you to go on and live your life to the fullest and meet someone new. I want you to give her my jewellry, my wedding ring, and my Parisian dresses."
"I can't do that.." says Morton. His wife insists, "Oh, but you must! You must!"
He replies, "No, I really can't - You're a size 17 and she wears a size 10."
I asked old Maud how she lost her husband. She told me her sad story…
"Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.
Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was.
Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, "Be positive, be positive!"
That was my Norman! Always thinking of others."
3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It's 5050.
An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.
The Devil made him an offer. I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife's soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends. The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, But what's the catch?
i think the story of Noah's life was a bit boring
But it did have a nice arc
I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.
I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.
Saw Mill Accident
Two coworkers at the saw mill witness a horrible accident that claims the life of their friend Earl. They decide their first course of action would be to inform Earl's wife, who neither of them have ever met. Ultimately, the first worker says he'll go.
About ten minutes later, he returns with a six pack of beer that he claims to have gotten from Earl's wife. In order to explain this, he describes what happened at Earl's house.
"Are you Earl's widow?"
"I'm not a widow."
"Really? You wanna bet a six pack of beer on that?"
I live life on the edge...
Of poverty.
If you buy a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a day…
If you push a man out of a plane, he will fly for the rest of his life
I like to live my life in the edge.
But still, some people might prefer to use Chrome.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart beat fast, and changes your life forever.
We call those people cops around here.
Two women were chatting in the airport lounge…
The younger one says I must be jet lagged, I went to get my ticket to Pittsburgh and asked for a picket to dicksburgh
The older one replies and says I know what you mean, I called my husband to remind him to take out the trash and instead said 'you ruined my life you drunken bastard'
Woman asks an old man rocking on his porch...
What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day. I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six."
